Daily Questions and Answers

Thought(s) of the day(s)

Woman, or more precisely put, perhaps, marriage, is the representative of life with which you are meant to come to terms.

--Franz Kafka

Hmmmm....... It's hard to come to terms with marriage because the terms change. If they don't then marriage is terminal.

Cartoon of the Week

Rich or Poor; everyone can have "Mother" issues:

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Date: October 15, 2006

Well, I'm back after a month. Haven't got any serious letters but I did get a good story from JeWitch.

I was driving to the work on Friday when I saw this woman cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently made the guy mad enough, that he hung out his window and flipped her off. "That guy is stupid" I thought to myself. Guys, you should ALWAYS smile nicelyand wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to you in traffic and here's why.

Let's say you drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes you are not in, that means you pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure you pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars you pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, you drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, if I were you, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

JeWitch

I know better! Get those letters to happyshrink.

Date: September 17, 2006

Dear Happyshrink,

My ex sent me his new e-mail address. I googled his new nickname and discovered the "blog" of his current girlfriend. I know it is hers because her picture is posted along side. Apparently these two are involved in a "Master/slave" relationship where my ex is the "master" and his girlfriend is the "slave". I won't go into details about their activities...just to say that they are disturbing to me (and I'm not a prude by any sense of the word!) My teen-aged kids spent 2 weeks with this couple last December. I asked my oldest (16) if anything strange went on while they were there and she said, "Oh, you mean like the sound of him whipping her in the next room? It kept me awake at night. Their bedroom was right next to ours." What do I do?" I want my kids to spend time with their dad, but I don't want them to be exposed to this sadistic lifestyle. There was no visit this summer because the ex claimed he was paying so much child support to us that he could not afford a place for them to stay: he is renting a room in someone else's home. If he were a reasonable individual I could just ask him to refrain from these activities when the kids are with them, but he has demonstrated many times that he is unreasonable (such as refusing to give me his address). The Master/slave lifestyle he has chosen is testimony to his narcissistic view of the world.

Judi(nowhipspleaseI'mamethodist)blueye

Dear Judi,

I am not a great fan of S & M either but the fact is, there are may adults who are into that sort of thing. It is definitely something that needs to be kept away from children, however, traditional sexual activities should be kept away from children as well. Most people who are into S & M are discreet about it and make sure their children are not exposed to it. Your daughter's response to staying with her father is enough to get you a supervised visitation order from family court. I would urge you to do so. Having said that, you are way too involved in finding out about his activities. Your daughter's report of what went on is enough information for you to take appropriate action. You don't need to Google. In fact, Googling is detrimental to your mental health. Your previous letters along with this one has convince me of what a sick f*** your ex-husband is. Why do you seem to need more confirmation of this fact? That's a topic for you and a face-to-face therapist to work out. I hope you do. Your deserve better than holding on to the bitterness you feel.

happy(Googlingalong)shrink

Dear Happy,

It's been a long time. Time flies when you are having fun ... My fun comes from being friends with Bubba and Edna. Let me give you an example of some great fun !!!

Bubba, Edna and I were walking down the street near where they used to live, the Circle K trailer park [Remember, they moved to the NoName Trailer Park a few years ago.] and Bubba sees a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to Edna, "We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to the NoName Trailer Park community yard sale and sell 'em. We will make a fortune! Then he said, "Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if you open your mouth, they might think we are ignorant or they might just have a community yard sale and make their own fortune..

So inside the store they go and Bubba says , "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from the NoName Trailer Park, ain't ya?" Bubba said ...."How come you knowed that?"

The man said, "Cause this is a dry-cleaners."

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

It's great hearing from you! Somehow your newest email address ended up on my spam list and I was just lucky to catch it. I could imagine what happened when the man told Bubba that it was a dry-cleaners. He probably asked him if they could treat his alcoholism. I really miss you and Edna! Now that you are both off my spam list I hope to hear from you more often.

happy(lookingforaqualitysuitforunder25bucks)shrink

Date: September 10, 2006

Hello Happy. Glad to see you are taking some time off for yourself. Hope you are staying cooler than it is here in the deep south. It's hot enough to fry potatoes on the sidewalk I promise.

Anyway ~ I've been off work for a few weeks due to illness so I have been watching Court TV a lot. There was some show that I was watching where they were talking about socio-paths and psycho-paths. So like what the heck is the difference? I figure I wouldn't want to meet either in a dark alley. I'm just curious.

By the way ~ if all your friends keep talking to their bartenders you shrinky type folks may be out of business. Sounds like a pretty smart bartender to me. Just kidding.

Take care and keep cool.

T**** (staying cool while watching crime TV)

Dear T****

Psychopath and Sociopath are somewhat obsolete terms but get used a lot on Court TV and as my wife would say, "yelling TV." Those are the shows that debate politics, crime, religion, etc. Here would be my distinction between a psychopath and a sociopath. A psychopath (originally meaning someone with a mental disorder from it's Greek origins) would be a person who is willing to harm, rape or even kill someone to gratify his or her immediate needs. They have no remorse for their behavior and are only sorry if they have been caught but not for the deeds. They are not insane as they understand right from wrong. They just don't care that they are doing something wrong and only care about themselves. There are some states with legal definitions of a psychopath but they vary and are downright confusing.

Sociopath is more of a psychological term that refers to someone with a personality disorder whereby they fail to conform to social norms. The behavior of socio-paths can include lying, cheating, stealing, cruelty, using illegal drugs, aggression, rudeness, thoughtlessness, etc. While it sounds somewhat the same, it is not usually as severe as a psychopath who is very, very dangerous. Luckily for me, bartenders usually don't explain things as well as "I think" I do.

happy(quenchingthethirstforknowledge)shrink

And some humor from Judiblueye:

A guy goes to a supermarket, whereupon a beautiful blonde woman waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." The guy’s mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party who I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?!"

She calmly replies, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.”

Until next week, may your celery be nice and crisp!

Date: August 13, 2006

There are no serious questions but there is another letter from Edna.

Dear Happy,

I think you shrinks are in real trouble. Bubba found a way to cure himself without having to spend so much money on therapy. Here is his story:

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

You see happy; if Bubba can figure out how to cure himself, there is hope for just about anybody considering how stupid he is. What are you going to do?

Dear Edna,

I'm just going to have to find smarter patients.

happy(hasbubbaconcideredthatsomeonemightbeinthecloset?)shrink

Date: July 30, 2006

There are no serious questions again this week. But here's a letter from Edna.

Dear Happyshrink,

My niece Ophelia, the over-achiever in the family has finally gotten married at the ripe old age of 24. We were real worried about her and thought that she was going to be an old maid, especially when she decided to go to college to become a teacher. No one in our family stays single that long and she's the first Hoppenstadder to get past 10th grade so you can understand our concern. Turns out she married this real high society rich guy who paid for the whole wedding and had the ceremony right on the beach. Ophelia didn't want any of her relatives to attend because she thought we would not fit in with "high society." Well I'm happy to say that we crashed the wedding anyway and it was a huge success. Nobody seem to notice that all of Ophelia's family were trailer park people. Here is my favorite picture at the wedding. I kinda sneaked into it if you know what I mean. I just don't know why my niece has avoided me since then. She hasn't even written me a thank you card for the wedding gift I gave her. Maybe she didn't like the 24 piece Anchor-Hocking glassware set that I got at Wal-Mart. Even though it was on sale, I still shelled out $9.78 for it. You would think she would be more grateful.

Edna

Dear Edna,

It is true that all brides look beautiful on their wedding day and Ophelia was no exception, but she might have been "upstaged" if you know what I mean. Maybe next time you go to a wedding you can make sure that all eyes remain on the bride and not you.

happy(bringsouttheAnchor-HockingwareeveryChristmas)shrink

Date: July 23, 2006

There are no serious questions to Happyshrink this week so I will share a contribution from Judiblueye which might be called "A revised version and commentary of the Book of Genesis":

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10."

On the Second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I will give you a 20 year life span." The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have the 20 and I will give you back the other 40." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said that, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. I"ll give you 20 years. "Man said, "What? Only 20 years?! Tell you what God, I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, and the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back...... that makes it 80 years, okay?" "Okay", said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do the monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has been explained to you.

Yes it has. I've got three years left before I start acting like a monkey and 13 years before I start urinating just about everywhere besides the toilet.

Date: July 9, 2006

Dear Happyshrink,

In May I passed the point at which I've now been divorced longer than I was married (10 years). So I finally succumbed to the relentless media blitz and filled out an E-Harmony personality test, only to be rejected for membership! I bet you didn't know (they claimed in their rejection notice, anyway) that 20% of the people who test at their site are told no thanks because they can't guarantee a reasonable match!! I knew I was unique but Sheesh! What message should I take from this rejection? I am really bummed out now because E-Harmony has rejected me on behalf of all their male members and they haven't even met me yet!!! Should I give up?

Sincerely,

Judi(bluerthan)blueye

Dear Judi(bluerthan)blueye,

Psychological compatibility tests have been around before there was an Internet. They have many uses beyond finding a mate. Are they infallible? Not by a long shot. Should the results of E-Harmony's test make you give up on relationships? I don't think so. Should it be totally ignored? Hmmmm...... nope; there is something in the findings that may be valid to some extent. I think you might already know what that is. You are not an easy match Judi. You are smart, opinionated, headstrong, cynical, sarcastic and judgmental. Sometimes you are very funny and likeable; other times you can be argumentative and firmly set in your ways. Over the years I have come to know your personality through your letters to me. E-Harmony showed some integrity in that they didn't want to take your money and not deliver. Did they give you the results of the personality test? Did you think it was it on the mark? Are there things the test showed that you think might get in the way of a successful relationship? Are there things about you that you might want to work on changing? If the test gave you some information about yourself, it may have some value even if it didn't get you a date.

I know that having someone to share you life with is very important to you Judi. Perhaps it has become too important. Living your life as a single person doesn't have to be a prison sentence. You need to like yourself and feel good about who you are. You are not good for someone else if you are not good for yourself first. If someone does comes along that is compatible, then that's great but it shouldn't be your "raison d'etre" (I know that you know what that means, too.). So I would just keep trying to be happy and live your life with that goal. Meeting new people is just one of the activities of being happy. Do them all!

happy(tryingtoliveahappylife)shrink

Dear Happy,

My neighbor has lost her puppy and is desperate to find him. Yesterday, she was sitting on her couch watching TV when she realized she hadn't seen him in a while and couldn't remember where she last saw him. She searched all over her house, to no avail. She's been putting up signs everywhere with a picture of the dog (see below).

If you have seen her puppy, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help will be greatly appreciated.....

Reverand_Al

Dear Reverend_Al,

I appreciate your concern and I hope that your neighbor's dog is not just another lost loved one that "falls through the cracks." I will keep my eyes wide open! Your neighbor should keep her ass... I mean eyes wide open too. Wish her luck for me.

happy(eyeswideshut)shrink

Date: June 25, 2006

No serious letters this week but here is something to chuckle about compliments of Judiblueye:

Deep thoughts by Stephen Wright

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Date: June 18, 2006 HAPPY FATHERS DAY

No serious letters to Happyshrink today but here is a not so serious letter and a joke dedicated to my fellow Jersey guys!

Dear Happyshrink,

What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

Jesus and Klondike bar lover.

Dear Jesus and Klondike bar lover,

Jesus has done so much for you and everyone else, I just thought it would be nice to give something back to him. So I sent him a Klondike bar myself. Just look at how pleased he is!

happy(cuckooforcocoapuffs)shrink

....and here is why just about everything costs more in New Jersey:

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey,
another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White
House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

happy(I'dratherdoitmyself)shrink

Date: June 11, 2006

Dear Happyshrink,

This may seem like a stupid question but how can you tell if you are in love?

Dear MC,

Before you can be in love, you have to experience infatuation. While being in love is an experience that happens to us rarely and for some of us never, infatuation happens a lot. It can happen to us when we are children, it can happen when we are elderly and it can happen in-between those times. It can happen when we are married and love someone else and it can happen when we are unattached. It is important to remember that very few infatuations lead to being in-love. Infatuations can't really be explained or analyzed. They are a form of obsession that can at times feel very good and at other times feel very bad. Most infatuations though are short lived and thank goodness for that because they can be exhausting.

As far as being in love is concerned once you have experienced infatuation, you will know the difference between that and being in love. It's not easy to define what that difference is, but being in love happens over a period of time and involves going though both good and bad times, recognizing that neither of you are perfect and that your relationship is always evolving. Being in love isn't always forever either and that can be the most painful realization in life; when you find that the person you are in love with no longer is in love with you or vice versa.

I hope this is helpful but love is experiential and all the advice in the world may not really do the job. Good luck on your journey to love.

happy(andinlove)shrink

and now some humor from Judiblueye:

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, Where would you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes, sir. What size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 double E." "Wow, that's really big! "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked. "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked. "Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat." "Yes, sir. What size? and style?" "Eight and five-eighths. Stetson." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?" "Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches." Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied........

(You're going to love this one!)

(Guys....you'll be using this line.......)

"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

And now that I've managed to get off the floor, have a good week!

Date: June 4, 2006

Hi there Happy.

It makes me sad that you had to do away with your Tawk site. Somebody always has to ruin the fun don't they? Darn it all.

I do have a question or two? Can you explain to me what body memories are and if my body remembers why the heck can't my brain? My therapist says that the extreme physical feelings that I have sometimes are body memories and I just don't understand.

Also, can you explain to me what causes panic attacks? I have had them occasionally in the past but for the last couple of weeks it is like almost nonstop. My heart feels like it is pounding and I can't seem to catch my breath. I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and he's not concerned because of no chest pains to speak of. I will see my shrink in a couple of days and talk to her about it.

I would just like your input as you always make it so easy to understand. Maybe not easy to deal with but easy to understand. Thanks so much.

T****

Dear T****,

"Body memories" are most commonly associated with traumatic events. While the mind may repress the actual memories of the event, it may send out sensory signals to other parts of the body. Such symptoms as stomach pains, headaches, dizziness, hot and cold flashes, irritable bowel, tremors, muscles spasms, blurred vision, shortness of breath and heart palpitations just to name the more common symptoms. Very often, individuals who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD) and have such symptoms are often labeled as attention seeking or neurotic because there is no evidence of a medical condition associated with the symptom. These symptoms though are very real and not just "In your head."

Panic attacks are often a form of body memories. Some of the above symptoms I mentioned for body memories are the symptoms of panic attacks. Panic attacks are not just limited to people suffering from PTSD although they encompass a large portion. Panic attacks and anxiety disorders can be due to a chemical imbalance and may also be an outgrowth of a medical condition. Questions you might want to think about when you discuss these symptoms with your psychiatrist are:

Have these attacks increased during the same time of each year? Are they cyclical (every 3, 6, 9 months, etc.)? Is there any additional stressors that are affecting you during this time? Has your diet or exercise regimen changed during this time? Has your medication regimen changed?

I'm glad you emailed me again when I didn't respond to your first email. My computer back up to speed but I did lose a lot of emails. Let me know what happens when you visit your psychiatrist.

happy(inapanicwhenhiscomputercrashes)shrink

And from Reverend Al this bit a humor:

THE RETIRED HUSBAND

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our
stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed
below.

Mr. Wally, President and CEO

Wal-Mart Complaint Department

------------------------------------------------------- ------------------

MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton
has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it
as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

I don't know about you but I just can't wait to retire! Being somewhat more sophisticated than Mr. Fenton I intend to do all those things at Bloomingdales, Sachs Fifth Avenue and Tiffany's.

Date: May 14, 2006 Happy Mother's Day

Dear Happyshrink,

This is a followup to the letter you posted on May 7th.

I report good news from the rink! The Norsemen earned their first victory of the season last Friday night, by the score of 6-3. Everyone played really well; it certainly wasn't just me. A true team effort finally led to success in our eighth game of the season.

I also might add that our opponent was the same team from the "nervous breakdown" game a few weeks back. I'm not big on abstract concepts such as "sweet revenge" or "poetic justice," so I won't chalk that up to anything more than coincidence. I tell you though, we didn't beat a bunch of sissies. These guys improved since we last saw them, and their overall record was 4-2 going into this game.

Thank you for your kind reply, by the way. It sure makes a lot of sense that I would be relaxed when my team is overmatched, and nervous when my team has a chance to win. And a little more belief in my own abilities was surely part of the cure for my hockey ailment.

Enough storytelling, onto the mental-health / brain related stuff... I offer you three things that I learned/did/experienced since that lousy game a few weeks ago.

1. Focus, as opposed to thinking. I did WAY too much thinking about technique, geometry, and exact muscle movements in games up until now. That crap is for practice. When it's game time, all you can do is rely on is your instincts, and hope that your previous practice provided you with the proper muscle memory. Before, I would say to myself, "Stick on the ice, glove up, stay square to the puck, keep your skate on the post for the wraparound," and a hundred other mind-boggling thoughts. Nowadays, I engage in this strange ritual which could perhaps best be described as meditating. Whereas a master of Yoga might say "ohm" repeatedly to achieve relaxation, I say "watch the puck, watch the puck, watch the puck" over and over again for the ENTIRE game... It keeps me focused, it keeps me relaxed, and above all, it STOPS me from THINKING... and yes, that's a good thing.

2. Over time, my teammates and I had to "learn how to win," so to speak. We've been improving every game this season; getting closer and closer to victory with each match-up, until we finally got over the hump in this last game. With about seven minutes to go, we scored our final goal, and led 6-1. I think at that point, everyone including myself started believing in themselves. Now I was a nervous wreck, of course... the last seven minutes felt like seven hours. But I didn't stop "meditating", or believing in my abilities to stop anything I could see. Again, I was nervous, but there was no breakdown.

3. It still isn't about winning. But you and I both know that. "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game, blah blah blah, cliché cliché cliché." I'll tell you what it was about though: celebrating success with my teammates after a long string of failures and close calls. Equally important: earning respect from those around me. A freshly taped stick and a shiny new set of pads couldn't equal the compliments I received on Friday at the bar after the game. "You were the difference," "Your glove was awesome," "I had a front row seat to some of your best saves." It was a night of free confidence boosters, and a few free drinks, not to mention :).

Again, thank you for your kind words. I'm sure the Norsemen will lose again, perhaps in embarrassing fashion, perhaps in our very next game. But at the very least, I'm now also sure that the Norsemen will win again... And all I can do is hold up my end of the bargain to the best of my ability.

"Hello?!?!? You play to WIN the game!"

I kid, I kid,

The Norsemen, Goalie, #34

Dear Happyshrink,

Maybe it is "just a game" but it sounds like you learned a great deal about yourself both in losing as well as winning. Your insights were right on the money. Who knows; perhaps someday you could become "Happyshrink Jr." I kid too kiddo!

happy(andstillrootingfortheNorsemen)shrink

Why you should we pajamas to bed:

BTW...that's not me! I would never wear a red helmet.

Date: May 7, 2006

Dear Happyshrink,

I play goalkeeper for a local men's league ice hockey team. It's nothing serious at all; the skill level is very low and everyone is out there to have fun, and above all, the results of the games really don't matter. I know this as well as everyone else. But still, the competitive spirit unquestionably lingers when the players take the ice. Just as Herman Edwards proclaimed, "Hello?!?!? You play to WIN the game!"

Anyway, moving on to tonight's events. Myself and my team were matched up against a very similarly-skilled opponent. It was a real opportunity to show our stuff and get our first win of the season. As you might expect, the game was very close after two periods, tied at 2 goals apiece. Additionally, my team had scored a goal early in the third (and final) period, putting us up 3-2 with about 13 minutes to play.

My skaters did their job: they stepped up and responded in what was a really close game at the time. This was the first time all season that our team had the lead, and a real opportunity to win a game. And that's when it all went downhill. Something happened to me at that moment that has never happened before. Mind you, this is certainly not the first time that I've played in a close game. I've been playing goal for eight years, and I know what it's like to be "locked up in a tight one." But this time, whereas my teammates responded to the situation at hand, I decided to roll over and play dead, so-to-speak...

I always get a LITTLE nervous at the end of tight games. Who doesn't? But tonight, with 13 minutes to go, my usual slight nervousness turned into literally paralyzing fear. I basically had what could be called an "on-ice nervous breakdown." Instead of going about my business confidently like I had for the first 32 minutes, I responded by hardly being able to move at all. I played in constant fear of making a mistake, which turned my legs into jell-o, and caused me to play downright foolishly and lazily for the remainder of the game.

Long story short: the other team rattled off FIVE goals in the last 13 minutes, so we lost 7-3. And all five were just absolute crap. These were shots that any reasonably skilled goaltender like myself should have been able to stop. It's hard to describe the dynamics of ice hockey with words alone, so I must ask for your trust when I say that giving up these five goals was truly the result of awful play on my part, and my part alone.

I've never been so embarrassed at the rink.

To put my humiliation in perspective, we lost our first two games by the humorously-brutal scores of 8-1 and 11-1. And you know what? I didn't get down on myself so much. Those games were against much better teams, and I know that I played my best for 45 minutes in each game. But this time, when it was truly crucial for me to be at my best, I mentally collapsed.

"It's just a game" is not going to help me here. I have already expressed the knowledge that the results of these games don't matter. I just can't understand my reaction to the pressure tonight. Above all, I feel real bad for my teammates, who played well enough to win. I, unfortunately, played to lose, and my poor play alone cost us the game.

Any advice on what I can do to shake the cobwebs next time, or to just help me understand what happened tonight would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

The Norsemen, Goalie, #34

Dear Norsemen, Goalie, #34,

Ok so you blew it. You feel like crap. You let your team down. Join the club. I could give you the speech that while Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs, he struck out almost twice as many times as home runs he hit. You probably know that already and as you said, you know all the logical reasons why you shouldn't feel so bad.

The end of any athletic sport is often called "crunch time." It's the time when you are supposed to summon up all your abilities and play at your optimum level. That doesn't always work though. Sometimes you can get nervous and even panic. That's what happened at your last game. It's not surprising if you think about your first two games. They were laughers. Clearly everyone was outmatched. In this game you guys played well enough to lead with 13 minutes to go. So all of the sudden you had the pressure of playing really well so you might actually win. It go to you. It happens.

My guess is that you will get over it once you have another game or two under your belt. You are still learning how to play as a team and as your team improves, so will you. Self-confidence is an issue for everyone. (Except for maybe a few cocky narcissistic bastards; I'm sure you've met someone like that). Self confidence issues could involve work, dating, parenting, sports, and other life activities. While having self-confidence is a good thing, it is importance that it never becomes arrogance. There is always room to be better at any endeavor. It is counter productive to blame misfortune on others and it is equally counter productive to blame misfortune all on yourself. Build your self-confidence by working to improve your skills. Set goals that help you to become better. That's not just a suggestion for goaltending. It's a suggestion for liviing. Good luck Goalie #34.

happy(GoNorsement)shrink

Dear Happy,

They are pickin' on Andie again. He failed his Geometry test even though he answered all the questions perfectly. I don't know why they have it in for him. I am showin' you just one example of a question they marked wrong.

Maybe Andie aint cut out for school just like his brothers and sisters. Is there anything you think he might be good at?

Edna (a cuncurned parent)

Dear Edna,

Andie may not be so great in geometry but he is probably really good when it comes to "Where's Waldo?"

happy(disappearingforawhile)shrink