Thanks again Happy, you are batting 1.000  Your advice is always good,
but it is the humor that keeps me coming back.

BTW, now I am calling it "Rt. 666"

Avalon

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Mr. Shrink,

Hmmm. Read this as if this were the last day, you would ever be able to read. What I really need is someone to answer all of my questions. They are basically all based on philosophy. I do hope you can quote or answer them. Here is my first question. Well I'll put this in a "you" situation Have you ever thought of doing something while you were somewhere or while you were with a friend you felt you should have said something you had in mind. Then when the situation is over you think to yourself. Oh I should have sung my friend that song I heard, but I forgot to. Well why do we think like this. I hope you understood. Why do we do and not do the things we do?. I've heard the saying "Dreams do come true" sure they do if you want them bad enough.

Listen to this about 1 week ago. I had a dream that I saw a sweater with a duck on it, on top of a washing machine. Two days ago I went to my friend's cousin's house and I saw, on her washing machine a green sweater with a duck on it the exact same one in my dream. Was this a message? I could care less about a duck sweater
and I have not wished for one. One more. Even though I am alone in my room why do I feel like I'm being watched? Thank you for your time, I remain your attentive student(hopefully)

ND (aged 18)

Dear ND,

You are at an age where you are doing a lot of thinking and a lot of choosing. The choices you make as an 18 year old are much more important than the choice you made at an earlier age. You are also developing sensitivity and intuition. That may explain why you might feel you are being watched. Even when we are alone, the thoughts we have and the actions we take may have a profound impact on our lives.

This new awareness can be very burdensome. If you are feeling sad or anxious about the feelings you have, you might want to consider speaking to a counselor at school. I can't tell you what the dream means or if it is significant. Dreams are a gateway to our unconscious but not all of them have a profound meaning.

happy(lookingforwardtoanotherdayofreading)shrink

I am just home from the worst trip of my life, maybe the worst episode of my life aside from family deaths or illnesses. One of my closest longtime friends (three of us were best friends thru grade, junior high, and high school) has what I think is a personality disorder, like borderline or dependent or histrionic or something.  She
is currently involved with her boss, a horse trainer, who is "still married although he and his wife don't get along" and has another girlfriend on the side.  My friend, in a Herculean effort to make herself indispensable to him and "make him love her", has assigned herself the role of his personal assistant, to the point of neglecting taking care of her own life, ignoring her friends except when she needs something, not paying her bills, not cleaning AT ALL, etc.

My part in this came about because the boss is moving his stable from LA back East.  My friend wanted to travel with the horses so she could oversee every detail of the trip (not that he even invited her to move back with him, and he in fact was going back to another city to visit his wife for this period of time) and so she had no way to get her truck to the East Coast. I, in a display of monumental stupidity not exhibited since my youth, volunteered to drive her truck cross country for her, just for expenses paid. I used my own frequent flyer reward miles to cover my flight to LA and home from NY.  This was not an act of altruism, since I love to drive and have always wanted to do a cross county driving trip.

From the moment I arrived, with the stated understanding that I was to hit the road almost immediately, it was clear that no amount of time was going to be enough for her to get ready since she spent all her time taking care of the boss and no time taking care of the pressing details of her own life - including not getting the truck checked out when the guy at the oil change place told her there was some problem with the transmission fluid.  You can guess the consequences of that oversight.
Every single day there was a new crisis that required her immediate and complete attention, while my own anxiety levels were climbing. I did vocalize this repeatedly, to no avail.

By the time I finally got on my way I was totally frazzled and anxious.  On the first day out, passing thru some barren desert lands of eastern AZ/western MN, I got really freaked out.  I was convinced there was some huge evil force of energy there that was  trying to get me.  I can't describe how terrified I was, crying, moaning, pulling my hair, picking my face.  I almost couldn't drive but I knew I couldn't stop,
not there.  After miles of static on the radio, the first thing I heard was news reports of the Colorado high school shooting.  If that is not evil, I don't know what is.  I was finally able to stop in Gallup NM that night, but could not shake the notion of evil.  That feeling stayed with me, to some degree, for the whole trip.

The ongoing crises revolving around my friend and dragging me into them continued, too.  The credit card she gave me for gas, hotels, food, was no good.  Yes, the truck broke down ('99 Ford POS).  By the time I got myself, sans the freaking truck, to another friend's house I was wound up so tight, couldn't stop crying thru normal conversation, couldn't eat or sleep. I wouldn't let a friend pick me up as I was convinced she would be killed in an accident on the way. I had my first ever bout of claustrophobia on the flight home, gulping for air, crying.

I am so NOT into spiritual stuff, do not believe in god or the devil, am pragmatic, cynical, or just blase' about this stuff.  I had just switched from Effexor and Buspar to Serzone and Buspar.  I guess my question is, should I be wondering if the meds are not working (if that was working, I can't imagine what it would have been like if they weren't!).  Should I chalk it up to getting caught up in my friend's ridiculously crisis driven lifestyle - which, by the way, WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN - at a time when I was especially unable to protect myself?  Why would I do such a stupid thing?  Was the leap from hermit to cross country traveler too much to tackle in one shot (I already know the answer to that one!)?  Am I delusional??  Or could my perception of evil have been accurate?

This has also reinforced my own policy of isolationism, but, Oh Happy, it is so good to be safe and home again!

Avalon

Dear Avalon,

I am glad that you are home safe and relatively sound. I don't think you can draw any conclusions about the medication change because of the real trauma that you experienced while on your "adventure."  I don't believe that there was any "evil" following around, but considering how poorly, your friend planned this trip (giving you a defective motor vehicle and an invalid credit card) it was not abnormal for you to worry about when the next crisis would occur.

So maybe you did bite off more than you could handle Avalon. You know what? You survived!!! You got to write me a terrific letter and I even think that somewhere you have a sense of humor about the whole situation. Better than Buspar, Serzone or Effexor, humor is the best medication. In a way, that's what this web page and my Tuesday night group are all about. I don't know if I have solved people's problems here, but if I have brought a few smiles to their faces, I am doing my part as a Mental Health Professional. I hope you keep trying and smiling Avalon. Some of life's best memories may have started out with adversity. It's our triumph over these trials and tribulations that makes life worth while.

happy(survivinglife'strialsandtribulationswithasmile)shrink
 

Dear Happy,

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

So you're the SOB that's stealing my newspaper!  Maybe it's time to invite Edna and Bubba over your house this Friday for an all weekend slumber party!

happy(willtellbubbatobringafewcasesofOldMilwalkee)shrink

I have a friend who needs help . She is a foster parent of a 5 yr. old. His family life was traumatic. Anyway after he talks to any of his family members he starts urinating all over the house. After a couple of weeks he goes back to using the bathroom. She has tried to talk to the case manager but you know them; they hate the paper work. They do not realize how much this little boy is suffering by staying in contact with his family. My heart goes out to both of them especially the little boy he has no chance of leading a happy life as long as his family is in the picture.

BB

Dear BB,

While it may seem obvious to you that the child is reacting to trauma from his biological family, it could be a number of other factors. It could just be that he misses his family and contact with them makes him feel upset that he is not with them. Millions of children over the age of 5 are regular bed wetters. Trauma is not the cause in most of these cases. There is an adjustment period that all kids placed in foster care go through. A five year old kid wetting the bed when having contact with his biological family can be part of this process.

Your friend should work with the foster care agency regarding this issue but it is not a crisis unless there are other more severe behaviors being observed. If your friend feels that the case manager is not doing his/her job competently, then she should ask to speak with a supervisor. If she feels the agency is not listening to her after that, she has the recourse to contact The child welfare agency in her state.  I don't think this situation indicates such drastic action at this time. Foster children like all kids require patience and understanding. The positive environment that your friend can provide for this little boy will go a long way to reduce his bedwetting and enable him to become a well adjusted individual.

happy(stillworkingonbeingwelladjusted)shrink

Dear Happy,

Here is a handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.  That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I guess that satisfies both the sadist as well as the masochist in you.

happy(wearinghisearplugs)shrink

Love your web site. I’ve been seeing a therapist for months now, but I feel like I’m not getting that much out of it. I’ve been taking meds for depression for about a year now. I relapsed twice while on the meds but got better when they were adjusted.  I was hospitalized during one of these times for being suicidal.

In my therapy sessions, I’m never sure what to talk about and just kind of ramble on about things happening in my life, past or present. There’s no follow-up or continuity from session to session and no goals were set. I don’t have much to talk about in it now since I’m feeling OK on the meds and what also helped is taking a 1 year break from work. My therapist says I look and sound great and reduced my sessions from once-per-week to once-per-2-weeks and now to once-per-3-weeks. And I guess I’ll stop soon. My shrink says I can get off meds when I have been
depression free for about 6 months which will be at the end of July.

In the past, I probably had two bouts of depression during a previous abusive marriage but was not diagnosed or treated at that time. I feel some concern about the depression recurring especially since I think a lot about suicide when I find myself in the “black pit”.  And when I’m in that state, I feel strongly that I don’t want to fail at doing “it” and have a well thought out plan.

Do you have any advice for dealing with recurrent depression, suicidal thoughts and for how to get more out of therapy before I quit? How do you deal with clients who don't know what to talk about and people who get suicidal when depressed? Thanks for any advice, happy.

Trying to fight a killer

Dear Trying to fight a killer,

You can start off by telling your therapist what you told me. Therapists are guides and not leaders in the journey that is psychotherapy. If you are unhappy with what is going on in the treatment, you have to talk about it. The fact that your therapist has told you that you sound great and has reduced the frequency of your therapy indicates to me that he/she is unaware of what is going on inside of you. Maybe you can talk about the killer you are fighting and describe that black pit. What you have shared with me in this letter is enough to fill a bunch of therapy sessions. I know that opening up on the Internet is a lot easier than face to face therapy, but if you don't take some chances you will miss out on the opportunity to beat this killer once and for all.

If you can't find the words to tell you therapist what's on your mind, perhaps you can read him/her your letter to me. It's a start. Let me know what happens and feel free to write me again.

happy(guidingandnotleading)shrink

Happy,

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.   It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

There's got to be something you can do with that talent. Ever try whistling in front of your old friend Airborne?

happy(whistlingahappytune)shrink

Words to live by:  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either.  Just leave me alone.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Not a problem!

happy(walkingsomeplaceelse)shrink

Dear Happy,

Sometimes I get the menstrual cramps .... REAL BAD !!!!

Edna

Dear Edna,

When that happens, just go for a walk with JeWitch.

happy(don'tdothisadvicestuffathomekids)shrink

I am a sailor. My parents live in a trailer, and one of my sisters, who lives in North Carolina is married to a Jew.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held without bond on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in a BIG CITY and indeed is still a part time "working girl", however, her time is limited as she has recently been infected with an VD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own whore house with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.  Should I tell that I used to date Edna ??

Roy Bob

Dear Roy Bob,

Not if you don't want to scare the poor girl away!

happy(IknowyouarepullingmylegJeWitch)shrink

My daughter has been diagnosed with body dysmorphic.  It all began four months ago.  At that time she began hanging with a particular boy and smoking marijuana.  Since then she has been hospitalized three times for depression and one suicide attempt.  At this time it seems the marijuana use has stopped.  Each time she comes out of the hospital she seems to be doing better.  Then she sees this boy, and all the depression and ugliness issues begin.  She sleeps all day and sees only him (no one else) at night.  She is currently on Luvox and Zyprexa.  Could this boy be presenting a negative influence that is adding to her problems?

FG

Dear FG,

Body dysmorphic disorder is a condition that usually has it's onset in adolescence. Individuals diagnosed with this disorder have a preoccupation with their appearance. This is also accompanied by a distorted view that their appearance or a particular physical feature is defective, ugly, inferior, etc. It is a condition that is under diagnosed and is fueled by our culture that seems to devalue anyone who is overweight, is too tall or too short, has blemishes, a long nose, crooked teeth, etc.

Your daughter's reclusive behavior is in line with this condition. She may feel very self conscious in front of other people, or her depression may also prevent her from having other relationships at this time. I don't know enough about this boy or the nature of their relationship to answer your question about whether or not he's a bad influence. Clearly, they shouldn't be smoking marijuana together, however you did mention that this has stopped. What do you know about his feelings about your daughter's appearance. Is he telling her that her appearance is problematic or is he supportive and caring? If he is supportive and caring, that could be a good thing for her. Perhaps you can talk to this boy and get a sense of how he perceives the relationship. Other than that, I would encourage you to be supportive of your daughters continuing her treatment and taking her medication. Let me know what you find out.

happy(wisheshecaredlessaboutappearancetoo)shrink

Dear Happy,

I know I am always poking fun at Bubba and Edna.  But they kinda grow on you
... ya know what I mean ??

Bubba is the kind of guy who eats 'possum - as in oh-possum - marsupial tree-rat, state bird of Georgia. Hit it with the truck, mix it with some collards, and warsh it back with corn squeezin's. Now we eat rabbit and other rodents .... I just guess that those of us who eat it from a plate tend to look down on those who eat it off the asphalt.

Maybe today I will try to be nice to them ...... I doubt it, but maybe .....

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

At least you are trying to understand Edna and Bubba. That's more than a lot of people do when they sit in judgment of others. The world can use a little bit more tolerance; don't you think?

happy(intolerantofintolerance)shrink

I would like to have your thoughts on the shootings in Colorado. There has been a lot of people on TV talking about what causes this sort of thing and I would like to know what you think. Is there anything that anyone can do to prevent this from happening? How can you tell if your kid has these kind of tendencies?

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

The tragedy that occurred in Littleton Colorado is every parent's nightmare and I can certainly understand your worry and concern. Even though several similar events have happened over the last several years, the risks of your child being killed by a drunk driver or dying as a result of an accident are much greater than the danger of school shootings. This may not be a consolation to you that children have even worse dangers to contend with, but it is very important to put this incident in perspective in light of the media frenzy that predictably occurs after these tragedies.

Whenever something like this happens, it tends to give people and interest groups a soap box to point fingers. Over the past few days, I have heard blame being directed towards, video games, Jerry Springer, violent movies, Marilyn Manson, the NRA, the absence of prayer in public schools, shock jocks, rock music and last but not least; the Internet. I am not a big fan of the Jerry Springer show and I despise the NRA's politics, but none of the above can be held responsible for this tragedy. If you would eliminate all of the above, there would still be war, genocide, injustice, bigotry, violence, hatred and ignorance. Our society has produced these conditions; not the movies or video games or rock music. What occurs on the Internet, on TV and in the movies is a reflection of our society. If you don't like the way you look, you can try to change your appearance or you can break all the mirrors. It seems to me that we are trying to break the mirrors and not change ourselves.

Adolescence is a very stormy period of life for everyone. Schools need to do a better job identifying kids with problems, educating parents in identifying unusual or deviant behavior and above all, teaching tolerance and acceptance of diversity. These issues were there 30 years ago when I was in school and long before that. Our high tech society has made tools of violence more sophisticated, but these issues were always there and are not unique to Generation X.

So what can you do Worried Mom? Get involved in your child's school PTA. Lobby for more school psychologists and social workers who currently have caseloads in the hundreds and even thousands. Make sure that your school has programs to teach tolerance and acceptance of diversity. Lastly, be a good role model for your kids. Show love to others; give of yourself; demonstrate righteousness through deeds and not just words. This won't guarantee the safety of your child, but it will make our reflection in that mirror look a little bit better.

happy(tryingtolookalittlebitbetter)shrink

What is your take on ADD/ADHD? Is it real or just something that doctors
have made up?  If it is real what treatments do you suggest? From a student who wants to know.

Dear Student who wants to know,

ADD/ADHD is very real and can affect both children and adults. The DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) identifies three different subgroups of ADD/ADHD in children and they can be broken down even further.  Each child with ADD/ADHD is different with regard to behavior and severity of the disorder. Common treatments and interventions include, medication therapy, diet/nutrition and special behavioral learning techniques to keep the child focused. The appropriate disciplining of "normal" kids may not work for ADHD kids. It is very important for moms and dads of ADD/ADHD kids to learn about their child's condition and get professional advice about dealing with the challenges of parenting their children.

There is a lot of ignorance about ADHD. A lot of old time family doctors and teachers are not up on current literature and often view it as a parenting issue. If you know a child who might have ADD/ADHD, I would recommend that you suggest they be evaluated in a Child Guidance Clinic or their school. Schools tend to provide testing and evaluation only in severe cases or when parents aggressively advocate for their kids. Early diagnosis is critical and parents should not take no for an answer if they feel that something is not right with their kids. There is a lot of literature on the web about ADHD. For more detailed information, click here.

happy(andtryingmybesttoconcentrate)shrink

Dear Happy ....

WORD TO YOUR MOMMA <grin>  Never .... I mean NEVER ... tow your car with panty hose and duct tape.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

With a little polish, that could have qualified for the thought of the day.

happy(alwaysusespanthoseappropriately)shrink

I have symptoms of both ADD & GAD ... but I don't know what came first. I think my main problem results from racing thoughts and anxieties. I tend to ruminate over small probs or decisions. I carry a lot of stress and am physically tight (especially in the shoulders) I spend  to much time "adjusting" & tinkering & planning than on getting things done.  My doc prescribed Dexedrine - though lack of focus, weak memory are probs I'm not sold on ADD. I'm scared that a stimulant med might not be good for someone who's high strung Though I've only been on it for a week - It doesn't seem to help with my cog skills or anxiety. I have found some results in St John's Wort. Do you think any antidepressants might help? Thank you greatly !

RS

Dear RS,

I suggest you see a psychiatrist and not a family doctor for an accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment. Your family doctor can see if there might be a medical explanation for your behavior, and perhaps he can refer you to a psychiatrist. I would be hesitant to recommend any medications until you had a thorough psychiatric evaluation. Your symptoms could also indicate an obsessive compulsive disorder, an adjustment disorder, or several mood disorders. Treatment would depend upon your diagnosis as well as other factors. Let me know what you find out. Good luck.

happy(haveyouhuggedyourpsychiatristtoday?)shrink

Mr Happyshrink,

Settle this argument for me if you don't mind ... Do you think it was too much for me to ask Edna to bring me back a beer, hell, she was ALREADY headed down to the store with the gas can.

Bubba

Dear Bubba,

It all depends on whether you asked for a can or a case.

happy(howmuchdidyousayOldMilwalkeecosts?)shrink

In your practice what course of action do you take if after taking a patient's history, interviewing the patient, administering psychological tests and talking to his or her family you still don't understand the patient?  How do you treat someone you simply don't understand?  Do you consult with other mental health professionals?  Aren't there cases that even with all of your experience your clinical background fails you in figuring out a patient?  If after a reasonable period of time you can't figure out a client what do you tell the patient?

ph

Dear ph,

It is not a therapist's goal to "understand" what a patient is all about. It is the therapist's goal to help a patient understand  themselves. No therapist will always be successful in this effort. Sometimes it is necessary to tell a patient that the treatment is not going anywhere, and perhaps another therapist should be considered. This is not necessarily because of the therapist's skills. The patient must feel comfortable with a therapist in order to open up to him/her. Chemistry is as much a factor as anything else. If the chemistry is not right, the patient may never feel comfortable enough to open up to even a good therapist.

Sometimes it takes going to several therapists before you find one that you feel comfortable enough to open up to. If you have made numerous attempts at seeing therapists and have not found one that can help you, then you have to look within yourself. Being in therapy involves being open to new ideas and being motivated to change. Not everyone is a good candidate for therapy.

Some people go to therapy with the goal of proving that they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. If that is their goal, they won't have too much success in therapy no matter how skilled and supportive the therapist is. But then, they really don't want help. They just want someone to tell them that they don't need help or can't be helped. People who fall into this category often fail in real life but succeed in their obsessive-compulsive world. It's a lonely world though without much joy and without intimacy. I hope you find a ticket out of that world ph. There are better places to explore and plenty of good therapists to explore it with you.

happy(takingonemorerideonph'smerry-go-round)shrink

Why do men have this strange affinity with remote controls? Is it a power trip thing or is it because anything slightly intellectual makes them twitch, therefore they need something in their hands to expend that nervous energy? At this stage in the game I would rather see him pick his nose than change the channels so fast he makes me dizzy.

questions,questionsandmorequestions

Dear questionsquestionsandmorequestions,

Men and women process information differently. Men make decisions faster as well as solve problems in a more simplified manner. Women have greater sensitivity, intuition and loyalty. A man will make a decision in seconds that he doesn't want to see a TV program, where a woman will invest some time in seeing if there is anything worthwhile before changing the channel. Men like to have control over the clicker basically because.....well, they are men. Blame it on the penis. It's responsible for everything else men do that women hate; even picking our noses.

happy(pickpickpick)shrink

I am wondering if there is a psychological recovery process similar to a grieving process.  My 62 year old husband was badly injured when hit head-on by a drunk driver last summer.  He spent a month in the hospital and underwent six surgeries.  Then he spent two more months in a hospital bed at home.   It is becoming apparent to us that the leg that was broken in six places is going to be shorter than the other, requiring a special shoe or shoe insert.  There is also permanent partial loss of vision in one eye due to sudden loss of blood pressure in accident.  His recovery from those and other injuries has been remarkable, however.  He uses a cane only for long jaunts and is able to golf with a cart. Since he is retired, missing work was not a problem.

 About two months ago, however, he has been having trouble controlling his emotions.  He has become jealous over me and possessive of me.  We have been married over forty years and I have never given him reason to be jealous.  Yet even something so small as a male friend complimenting me on my Easter outfit made him angry and jealous.  He also has fits of anger, mainly directed at me, or at least revealed only to me.

I am sure he is very angry at the drunk driver.  However, since the driver died, and since, although we did not know this young man, he was from the family of some of our oldest friends, it is difficult for him to express that anger.

Also, I have noticed, looking back, that our relationship became more of a parent-child during his incapacitation.  He has been  gradually assuming independence which is almost complete.  His progress pleases me.

My husband recognizes he has these problems and talks freely about them to me.  By his own admission, he knows he is "controlling, jealous, possessive" and he is "working" on it, whatever that means.  He is a fine, educated man so I know he is sincere.

Is this behavior part of a predictable pattern?  What do you suggest?

Best regards,

Mommalu

Dear Mommalu,

There is a recovery process when one undergoes emotional as well as physical trauma. Despite the miraculous recovery that your husband has made over the past year, he may still see himself as being limited in his capacities. The fact that you have had to be a caregiver has also changed the way he has had to relate to you. All of these factors contribute to his behavior. I would think that your relationship will improve over time, however it might be a good idea for him to seek counseling. While it is good that he can speak to you about his feelings, it would be better if he talked to someone other than yourself. If he has feelings about you, he really can't discuss them the way he might with a counselor.

My guess is that things will probably get better on their own Mammalu, but it might speed up the process if your husband had someone to talk to. Why not suggest it to him? He's sounds like a very bright man and he obviously has a very bright and loving wife. Speaking openly and honestly about how you both feel will go a long way in his full emotional recovery. Let me know how things go.

happy(notquitefullyrecoveredfromrollerblading)shrink

I am writing to ask a question about a problem with my personality that has been brought to my attention and that I am having trouble understanding.  I would greatly appreciate any feedback on this peculiarity of my personality or any references that would be helpful. My personal research has yielded no results.

First, You may need some background information.  I am a 19 year old college student with a steady part-time job in my field of study.  I have a fiancé who is also 19 and works full time. He is the person who brought this trait to my attention.  He works full time . We hope to be married this fall.  He and I have a wonderful relationship based on friendship. Here is the problem about myself that he has presented before me:

He says that when I am with him, I am fun to be around and sweet and kind and funny. But when we are with a group of people or sometimes even just one more person, I change completely. It is as if I seem to watch and observe the other person carefully and mold my responses and actions to fit with that person. He thinks I compromise my opinions, but I try not to say I agree or like something just because someone else does; that is juvenile.  He also says I become cold and almost emotionless when I am with other people, and definitely treat him differently.

The mystery of this matter is that I do not intentionally or knowingly do any of these things.  I have tried to watch myself in situations to understand what he is talking about. The only thing I do differently in mixed company is I am not as gushy and mushy toward him, yet I am to a degree.  I don't know if he is overly sensitive to my slight changes or if I am superficially trying to fit in to people around me.  It seems to be something deeper.

It is a disturbing aspect of myself, because I absolutely do not notice this in anything that I do, but to my fiancé I seem to be completely another person. I have not always been this way, but that it has occurred only in recent months. I am not the kind of person to be overly concerned with other's opinions of me (even though I can worry a little like any normal person) and I am not a brown noser. If you can shed any light on the causes of my annoying trait or guide me to any resources it would be appreciated very much.

Sincerely,

Em

Dear Em,

It certainly sounds as if this is a very confusing issue for you and your fiancé.  Being told that you exhibit a behavior in public when you aren't aware of it must also be very frustrating for you. How much of this is true and how much of this is your fiancé's own issues about being with you and other people is not something that I can answer. If I were you, I would ask friends and relatives who you are close to for feedback. If you are changing your behavior around him, you are probably doing it with other people in your life as well.

The other issue here is that you are both 19 years old.  It is not only possible, but likely that both of you have changed and are continuing to change.  During your teens and into your 20's, you experiment with a lot of new ideas and behaviors.  You are away from home (perhaps), in college and learning about new things every day.  It's not surprising then, that your feelings and expectations about relationships are also changing.  One good thing that the both of you are doing is talking about your feelings.  Sharing your feelings with him and asking him to share his feelings with you about your relationship will help both of you during this time.  Don't assume that it is only your problem and that you need to change what you are doing to suit him.  Relationships are a two-way street and if you are going to be married, you have a long road of change and compromise ahead of you.  Let me know how things work out.

happy(changingandcompromising)shrink

Shalom, question- I have been a procrastinator all of my life, sometimes I do a little better and then I retreat to my old habits, one of which is "Being Late"  Help!

JF

Dear JF,

Years ago I conducted seminars on overcoming procrastination so I consider myself an expert both as a therapist and as long time procrastinator. There are four basic reason's why people put things off. They are: fear of success, fear of failure, issues about authority and issues about making choices. All of these reason's have their roots in childhood. I think you need to analyze why you procrastinate to get a better understanding of the dynamics. Change comes about when you have understanding, motivation, will and a plan.

As far as lateness is concerned, that has it's own special dynamic. People are chronically late for several reasons. One is procrastination and the desire to avoid actual going to where they have to go. Another is testing how late they can be without getting into trouble. Still another reason is the "Grand Entrance."  People who are late get themselves noticed. Here again, you need to figure out why you are chronically late and then decide if you have the will to change. Perhaps you can give me more information about your situation and I will be able to help you further along.

happy(puttingofftomorrow)shrink

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