Can you please help me adjust to the fact that my boys are getting older {12,15} and seek to be more autonomous. As a divorced Dad, my time with them is limited enough and while I know that what they are doing is quite healthy, it remains a tough one for me. What suggestions can you offer ?

Regards,
Manorhaven Mike

Dear Manorhaven Mike,

As the divorced Dad of a 17 year old son, I can certainly empathize with what you are going through. There are no easy answers. One thing that is critical for your sense of well being is to have other things going on in your own life besides your kids. Flexibility is also important. They might not be able to give up a weekend for you and you need to settle for a day or an afternoon together.

Even though it may not seem that way anymore, your approval and advice is still very important to them. You may not like the music they listen to or the clothes they wear, but when push comes to shove, your ideas about morality and values are still the most influential. Another thing you can do to bond with them is ask their advice on what's going on in your life. They are old enough to give you some good ideas, and it will ease the transition from parent to friend. You will always be their father Manorhaven Mike, but if you become friends with them, you will have something truly special forever.

happy(lookingforwardtospoilingmygrandchildren)shrink

Hi happy,

...and hi all my women friends out there .... put this list together ... what men say and what they REALLY MEAN ... this will take all the guessing out of meeting a new guy and where the relationship is headed.

Here it is ... WHAT THEY SAY and what they really mean.

10. I think of you as a sister = (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our age = (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way = (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now = (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend = (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work = (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me = (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career = (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate = (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends = (You're ugly.)

That is about as OPTIMISTIC as I can be today.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I'm going to pass on making any comments!

happy(No!thatdoesn'tmeanyou'reugly)shrink

I have a question that I was too embarrassed to ask my shrink when I was seeing her. When my husband and I don't have as much sex as I would like, I usually have
orgasms in my sleep. I feel weird because I've never heard of this happening to women. Or maybe I am being visited by an incubus?

Sex and sleep-deprived,
CK

Dear CK,

Where's the problem? Ok, I couldn't resist but everyone on Tuesday night chat would be asking the same thing. If JeWitch or Edna had orgasms in their sleep, they would never even look at another man again. (...and the world would be a safer place).

On a more serious note, it's somewhat rare but not abnormal. If you think about it, it's the female counter part of a "wet dream." If it is distressful to you or interrupting your sleep patterns, get up some courage and speak to your therapist about it. If not, just enjoy it.

happy(andalittlejealous)shrink

Happy:

How come snow comes down so light and fluffy but when you go to shovel it, the stuff must weigh a ton?

Also, why is it when I wear boots and TWO pairs of socks, I still end up with cold feet?

RU4-69-2NITE (keepingitniceandcleansothenewbiescangetusedtome)

Dear RU4-69-2NITE,

The answer is simple. It's so women who find out that they can have orgasms without men will still need them for something......to shovel snow and warm their feet.

happy(RU,meetCK...CK,meetRU)shrink

Dear Happy,

.... OH MY GOD . I just went through another EFFING BIRTHDAY .. and am I
any closer to a NORMAL LIFE ????? NO I AM NOT !!!!!

I am over the hill .. all these apply to me !!

  You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  Your back goes out more than you do.
  You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  You are proud of your lawn mower.
  Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
  You take a metal detector to the beach.
  You wear black socks with sandals.
  You know what the word "equity" means.
  You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  You can go bowling without drinking.
  You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize.

Je ..... Edna

Dear Je ..... Edna,

You left out one more:

You can't remember which alter ego you are.

happy(inthebeginningstagesofAlzheimer's)shrink

Just wanted to let you know I am still around.  I've been quiet lately, probably because I'm doing well.  My longtime friend came for her visit, I practiced putting a lid on my anxiety, and we had a good time.  I was happy to have my space back when she left, but also very happy that I didn't ask her not to come.  I am still volunteering at the community greenhouse and have started taking background classes so I can volunteer at the zoo. It is a very progressive zoo, very into conservation and returning stuff to the wild when possible.  Imagine - they are going to let me help care for and handle all sorts of cool animals!

I am a little scared that the bottom will drop out of this, but I try not to go there and I just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Have even started going to a "real life" depression support group.

I still check your web site everyday.  Please pass along a "hello" from me to the chat room regulars.

  happypatient,

     Avalon

Dear Avalon,

It's great to hear from you and I am glad that things worked out with your friend's visit. It sounds like you are doing some really good things with your time. Frankly, the key to anyone's success is putting one foot in front of the other. Some people do that faster than others, but I'm not sure that they are any happier or more fulfilled.

I will send your regards to the chat gang. Maybe you can stop by and say hello one of these weeks. I know everyone will be happy to see you.

happy(toseeAvalon)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,
 

Please tell JeWitch there are some women that God made backwards, and she should be glad that she isn't one of them!

Meaning......that every 28 days, my other half's former wife is actually civil to me and the rest of the world, the rest of the time, she is just an outright bitch!

RU4-69-2NITE (whoneversufferedfromPMSbutbutknowstheotherhalfsuffersfrom
assholesyndromeonoccassion).

Dear RU4-69-2NITE,

I will pass this information on to JeWitch, just as soon as she is mellow enough to be let out of her shackles.

happy(knowswhentoavoidaPMSer)shrink

Hi HAppy,

Today Witchy gave me this list .. .said to keep it close to me in case I
get caught sleeping on the job ... She really cares about me ya know.

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just
in time!"

"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Edna

Dear Edna,

Maybe we better leave those shackles on a few more days.

happy(checkingoutthatwhiteoutsniffsniff)shrink

Re: Serzone and St. John's wort....Wondering if I would experience any ill effects from using these two drugs concurrently.  Or would there be no difference?

Thanks!

CB

Dear CB,

Serzone is a relatively new anti-depressant that can only be purchased by prescription. Like all anti-depressants, one should be aware of interactions with other medications including over-the-counter ones. St. John's Wort is an herbal formulation that can be purchased over-the-counter and is available at most health food/nutrition stores. While I have heard anecdotal reports of St. John's Wort reducing the symptoms of depression, I have net seen and clinical testing on it. As far as it's interaction with Serzone, speak to your psychiatrist about that.

happy(over-the-counter)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

Edna ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME ... ALL THE TIME ... Listed here are some of the things she does on a REGULAR basis that are making me NUTS.

Sings the Batman theme incessantly.
She starts each meal by licking all her food, and announces that this is so no one
    will "swipe her grub."
Named her dog "Dog."
Forgets the punch line to all her jokes, but assures me it was a "real hoot."
Wears a special hip holster for her remote control.
Signals that a conversation is over by clamping her hands over her ears.
Adjusted the tint on her TV so that all the people are green, and insists she "likes it
    that way."
Drums on every available surface.
Orders a side of pork rinds with her filet mignon.
Changes the channel five minutes before the end of every show.
Declines to be seated in restaurants, and then eats their complimentary mints by the
    cash register.
Begins all her sentences with "ooh la la!"
Pays for her dinners with pennies.
Informs everyone she meets of her personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/
    O.J.Simpson conspiracy theories.
Wanders around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
As much as possible, she skips rather than walks.
Stands over my shoulder, mumbling, as I read.
Pretends her computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talks to it.
Tries playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of her chin. When
    nearly done, she announces "no, wait, I messed it up," and then repeats it.
Asks people what gender they are.
Licks the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Deliberately hums songs that will remain lodged in my  brain, such as "Feliz
    Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Lies obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Chews on pens that she has borrowed from me.
Wears a LOT of cologne.
At a golf tournament, she chanted "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
I can't take it any more .. what do you suggest ???

JeWitch

(That is a SHORTENED LIST)

Dear JeWitch,

I suggest that you learn to Singa, about the moona and the Juna and the Springa.

happy(lickingallhisfoodsonoonewillswipeit)shrink

I know that you remember me - (sigh) after all, we've been through a lot together in the past two years with this crazy relationship I've been in.  You know, at 49 you would think a woman would know better.  I should say I hope you remember me - the 49 year old who moved, changed jobs, colored her hair, converted to Catholicism, lost 50 lbs, gave up laxatives and tylenol with codeine etc. in the "name of love".

You know I anguished over this relationship with my 53-year old (maybe he's 54
by now) significant other who didn't touch me for 13 months because "I was
converting and was a walking miracle" - you know - the one who told me 2 years
ago that I was 98% of everything he ever looked for in a woman - and the 2%
(my weight) he knew I was working on.  Well - I worked on it - dropped from a size 22 to a size 13/14 - and now look normal. You know what?  It wasn't the weight!!!  I haven't bothered to ask him what it is now - but it wasn't that after all.

I wanted to share with you and your readers a wonderful book that really, truly helped to put things into perspective for me - and helped me over the hump to what I hope is a new start in life for me.

Actually-  two things happened around February 14th - (1st) my former husband
of 24 years called me to tell me that he was tired of fooling around, that he missed me, and loved me (said he was as serious as a heart attack - and you know how serious that can be) - he wanted me to quit my "piddling job" (his first mistake!) and move back down South.  He wanted me to go "trailer trucking" across the country with him into the sunset!

Secondly - my significant other of almost 3 years - who has been well aware of my love for him for 2 1/2 years came over for Valentine's Day - no card, no flowers, nothing - stayed to watch the Nascar Race - and got up and left the minute it was over - paying no concern for me or the standing rib roast that he knew was in the oven.

I agonized over the irony of my not loving a man who was swearing his undying
love for me - and loving a man who wouldn't even pledge eternal friendship to
me!  Ironically, I haven't heard another word from my ex-husband who wanted to pay for me to fly down for a week to be with him (so I'll never know if I would
have gone or not) - and at the same time I decided (finally) that it was time to "give up the ghost" with my s/o.

It's been 3 weeks now - 2 since I've seen him - and almost two since I talked to him.  I screened my phone calls and intentionally did not pick up when he called.  On the one occasion that I had no choice but to talk to him - I chose to talk to his answering machine, leaving a brief, non descript message ending with "take care of yourself".

And then - I picked up the book "He's Scared - She's Scared" - probably one of
the best self-help books I've ever been led to that deals with the issue of
COMMITMENTPHOBIA.  Here, all this time, I thought it was my s/o that was
terrified of commitment - (which he is - classically) - but I also found out that one of the reasons I'm attracted to the type of men that I am attracted to is that I am probably also afraid of commitment.

I guess the best part of the book - after you get over the shock of recognizing that you are involved with someone who is a phobic - is learning to work through the steps - and getting out of the relationship. I'm doing a little better now - it really does take time - although I had a set back yesterday when I found out that he'd been sick for 9 days and probably didn't even realize that I wasn't talking to him.  I knew I was in a little trouble when I ran out and bought a chicken to make chicken soup (yes, I converted to Catholicism) but you can't take the Jewish Mother out of the
girl, you know.  Whether or not I'll make the chicken soup is undecided.

I never thought I would cope without this guy in my life.  First of all - I didn't want to fail for yet the third time in a relationship.  Secondly - the thought of putting as much time and effort into another relationship was depressing.  I prayed every night for the last 3 years that God would see fit to let my s/o know that he did love me.  I prayed to God, to Jesus, to Mary, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and to anyone else who might possibly be listening.  I agreed that whatever God's will was, would be okay with me.  I tried to change God's mind.

For the past two weekends, I have gone out with a girlfriend to single's dances - although I hate them - I am enjoying her friendship and the dances, and met a guy at one last week who has actually called me twice already.  I have to remind myself every day that I won't be cheating on anyone if I go out with him.  But you know the old expression, "You can dress them up but you can't take them out?" or something like that?  I couldn't believe that after three hours of talking to each other that I was telling him about the little "outfits" I like to wear and asking him if he liked sex!!!!  I'm very forward - but this was a little ridiculous.  I have chastised myself all week about it - because now if I do go out with him I will feel like I have put "the wrong foot forward."

I know that I'm still running - I am back to work full time now (after 5 months off because of surgery) - I go to physical therapy two nights a week, work extra hours two nights a week, and am going to start country line dancing one night a week.  That gives me Friday night to crash - Saturday for shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc., and Sunday for Church and Nascar. I know that I am avoiding going home and spending any time at home because I'll be watching and waiting for the phone to ring.

BUT - I have taken what I hope is the first step.  Now I'm really concerned that because I'm so vulnerable - that I'll fall into this new guys arms - just looking for someone to tell me that I'm funny, attractive, sexy, etc. - all the things that the last 25 years of my life have not given me.

As usual - I waited for a crisis to write to you!

SNOWING IN CONNECTICUT

Dear Snowing in Connecticut,

Yes, I certainly do remember you. I am not surprised that your significant other has continued to avoid commitment. I am also pleased that you are "beginning" to realize that you can't be dependent on another's love and commitment for your own happiness. It is nice to have someone tell you how funny, attractive and sexy you are, but it's more important to believe it yourself. If you truly believe in your own self worth, you look at relationships in terms of what you have to offer the other person as well as what they have to give to you. Relationships work best when they are based on strengths and not neediness. Once you can stop "waiting for the phone to ring" your chances of this kind of relationship will be enhanced.

It sounds to me like you are very busy right now and perhaps too busy. You know some people never appreciate the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone and spending time with yourself may be better than you think. Especially if you are spending your alone time with a funny, attractive and sexy person. Think about that Snowing in Connecticut.

happy(spendslotsoftimealonewithareallycoolguy)shrink

Dear Happy,

I do NOT have PMS ... I know when I do ... I just look for THESE signs.

 1. Everyone around me has an attitude problem.
 2. I add chocolate chips to my cheese omelet.
 3. The dryer shrinks every pair of my jeans.
 4. My boyfriend suddenly starts agreeing with everything I say.
 5. I use my cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says,
        "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
 7. I am convinced there's a God and it's a MALE.
 8. I start counting down the days until menopause.
 9. I am sure that everyone is scheming to drive me crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle I bought yesterday is empty.

So DON'T tell me I have PMS .... OK ????

JeWItch

Dear JeWitch,

ok.

happy(canusesomeibuprofenrightnow)shrink

I am a junior at Pfeiffer University in North Carolina.  my major is special education. Upon graduation I will be certified to teach k-12 learning disabilities and behavior disorders.  For my behavior disorders class we are required to do a topical intervention paper on the topic of our choice. My choice being phobia's. My question to you is in what ways do you suggest teaching a child with any sort of phobia?  I am looking for anything. Instructional strategies, classroom modifications, etc... anything will help.

thank you - KD

Dear KD,

To help children with phobia's it is important to understand why they have occurred. Some phobias are a direct result of trauma. (i.e. If a child was in a car accident, they may develop a fear of cars.) Other phobias are a function of family culture and what children have been taught by their parents and siblings. (i.e. If a mom has a fear of water, she may knowingly or even unknowingly pass this fear onto her child.) Lastly, some kids are just born fearful and overly cautious.

In all three cases, being patient and supportive is critical. There are a variety of behavioral strategies for helping children to overcome phobias. One on one interventions are preferable. The following is an example of how you might work with a child and his/her phobia:

If a child has a fear of climbing up the ladder of a slide, a teacher might work with the child to first stand near the slide and watch other children. After a few visits to the park watching other children, the teacher might suggest that the child put one foot on the first rung of the ladder. The next trip to the park, the teacher might have the child put the second foot on the first rung and just stand there for a few seconds. The process continues until the child is at the top of the ladder and ready to go down the slide. The steps I described might take several sessions and should not be pushed. It's better to progress slowly than move too fast.

I hope this is helpful to you KD. Let me know if you have the opportunity to work with a phobic child. Good luck.

happy(phobicontheInternetforgoodreason)shrink

Dr Happy,

Please tell JeWitch that not all chocolate taste great.  On Saturday night I had dinner at the Ritz.  On three separate occasions the menu read truffles. I thought cool, chocolate right in the middle of a seven course French meal!

According to the very sexy French waiter their truffles are a delicacy!  I finally had to tell him that I think they are forgetting to scrape all the shit off!

Sincerely,
Not so Oouu-LA-LA!!

Dear Not so Oouu-LA-LA,

I never had a problem like that at Denny's! But then, I never saw a sexy waiter or waitress at Denny's either.

happy(thinkschocolateisverysexy)shrink

Long time no cybergabfest! RU4-69-2NITE is BACK! Did I scare anyone out there? Really though, I haven't been gone. I have been online for quite some time now, but working has kept me REALLY busy.

As some of you know, I moved to Iowa to be with my significant other. I worked for a company locally for a few months but one of the partners and I just didn't see eye to eye. So, it came down to either move, change or get the hell out of my way. Well, I decided to remove myself from the company, changed my income level and got told them to get the hell out of my way.

After about six months of starving we finally began to get into the black. Business is doing very well for me, and now I have the time to get back online and spend some "fun time" with the computers since all work and no play, makes RU a very boring girl.

Well, Iowa is cold as hell! The S.O. (significant other)  was kind enough to get me out of this hell hole and take me to Florida for three weeks. During that three weeks I worked thanks to the laptop and the cellular phone. Thank God my profits could cover the trip and the bills.

We got home and it took us six hours to get to the door of the house! I'm not kidding! Ten foot snow drifts wouldn't allow us to put the motor home in its driveway, and we couldn't get the car off the car tote. Took us forever just to get the garage door unfrozen!

Well, it got cold again, and it was time to warm up in Dallas. Had a blast there, but it was only for a three day weekend. Long enough to wear shorts and decide that Iowa really sucks and someday the S.O. IS going to move to Texas or someplace warmer for me.

So I see Edna and JeWitch is still here having all kinds of fun, and there are new cyber friends to make.

Hap, I PROMISE to log in regularly and play, so long as you forgive me for my absence and play nice with me like you always have. <VBG>

Edna, I went to WalMart the other day and swore I saw you there. You do wear red hair still with that fugly beehive thing, right? Or did you change and go for the punk look and wear that bight pink hair with those black seventies platform shoes I saw in the mall while I was in Dallas?

I see the cooking recipes are still being swapped. Guess the S.O. will enjoy a new diet, his cholesterol level was at 400! I'll do ANYTHING to make him fall to about 160! The tasty choices added here look like winners!

Well, I'm off to work. Gotta slave to make the pay. Hugs to old friends and a wave to the new ones I have yet to meet.....

RU4-69-2NITE

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, is not an ACT, but a habit.

Dear RU4-69-2NITE,

As one of the first regulars of Ask Happyshrink and one of my oldest chat buddies, I am delighted that you are back! Please join us on Tuesday nights at #askhappyshrink on the Dalnet IRC network. Don't scare some of the newbies! It took them a while to get used to Edna and JeWitch. I'm not sure they are completely ready for you!

happy(I'mreadyforyou)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

You are SO right.  JeWitch, er, I mean Edna, really didn't pay any attention in Sunday school!  Everyone knows that there are two stories of how the resurrection took place.  The first was that it was originally scheduled for late Friday afternoon, but when Jesus rolled the rock aside he saw his shadow and had to go back in for 3 more days.

I also heard that he was telling his disciples the story - "Wow, those Roman's really killed me.  But dad gave me just 2 little Nuprin and I was fine 3 days later....." (of course it was a bit difficult for him to hold on to them because they kept slipping through his hands)

So which is it?

Love,
Wind(IPAIDATTENTION)NWillows

Dear Wind,

As a member of the Jewish persuasion, I do not feel qualified to participate in this conversation.

happy(taking2nuprinandhopingthatIdon'tgotohell)shrink

It's me again...not so typical teen, aka Lis. Things have been fairly good for me since I last wrote you. I've been slightly more decisive, and eating hasn't been a problem because I joined water polo. I never got tested for hypoglycimia (spelling?), because I got scared and decided not to go through with it. Right now, I have a tendency to fight with them more, I have become easily irritated. There was also a week where I went through the entire week feeling basically emotionless.

Nothing bothered me, but nothing made me happy. I got really scared during that week, and haven't felt that way since. (It was two weeks ago.) I'm just not sure what caused that, and i'm not sure if it will happen again. I just wanted to give you an update, and ask for some input on my "emotionless" week.
~Lis

Dear Lis,

Your emotionless week sounds a bit like depression. While sadness often accompanies depression, it can be repressed and the feelings can take the form of "non-feelings." Once again, it's hard to figure out what's causing all of this unless you get a good physical examination and rule out all medical possibilities such as hypo glycemia. I know it's very scary Lis, but it's what you don't know that can harm you. If something is found, it can be treated. If nothing is found, then perhaps it is psychological and seeing a psychiatrist (another scary but not as bad as it seems word) might be in order. I hope you consider my advice. I really want you to join the ranks of "not so typical but happy and healthy teenagers" Thanks for the update Lis. Keep in touch.

happy(stillnotsotypicaleither)shrink

Dear Happy,

"The Rules of Chocolate"

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

You are one hell of a temptation. Love you.

happy(canresistchocolatebutcan'tresistJeWitch)shrink

I don't really know where to start this letter, but I definitely need advice...so I guess I'll just start in.  I'm 19 years old, female, and I've been raped twice. The first time was last 4th of July by a man I was dating at the time.  It was also my first time having sex and also the last time I saw or spoke with this boyfriend.  Apparently all he wanted was a naive girl to have sex with and then leave...and I was naive and I fell for him completely.  Then I thought that I was past all of this because I went away to college and met a good boyfriend...or so I thought.  We went out, but we weren't really boyfriend/girlfriend...we had an agreement that we could probably only get together on weekends because he was so busy with work + school, but he didn't call or come over unless he wanted "something" but I fell for it because he was better than the previous guy.  We ended up breaking up a couple of
sundays ago because he knew that I would end up hurt if we stayed together...I'm still friends with him, because he wasn't exactly bad for me...and he was nothing but honest about how "we" were.  But...bad luck doesn't end there...a few days after we broke up, I went to a party...and I was the only available female there.  I should never have gone to this party because one thing led to another and I got slightly
drunk and a guy went home with me.  I told him no and tried to push him away, but I apparently had already let things go too far.

So, there's rape #2...I guess you would probably call these aquaintance rapes, and I don't even know if they really are rapes because I somehow still feel responsible...if I had only tried harder to keep them away or been a little less flirty...I don't know, except that it has definitely affected me.  The first one made it almost impossible for me to trust my 2nd boyfriend sexually...and I even ended up crying in his arms one night because I was so frustrated and sad and upset about what had happened to me.  The second is starting to make me second guess everything I feel about all men...I'm not sure what I can do to get through this, and I want to be able to meet a good guy + fall in love + trust him emotionally and sexually without getting hurt again.  Any advice would be great.  Sorry this was so long...I tried to keep it short and to the point.  Oh yea, by the way...how do you get to the tuesday night thing so I can talk to all the other dysfunctional people...keep in mind that I'm pretty new at all this computer stuff.

Thanks!

SP :)

Dear SP,

Before I say anything else, you need to know emphatically that:

1- BOTH the situations you described were rapes.
2- NEITHER were your fault.
3- Rape is not an act of sex or passion; it is an act of violence.

It's one thing telling you these facts and it's another thing having you believe it. Many rape victims feel that they are responsible where nothing could be further from the truth. In some way, your thinking that perhaps these incidents are not rapes make it easier to cope. But in the bigger picture, your trust in people (particularly men) have been shattered and your self esteem has been damaged. You even apologized to me for writing such a long letter.

I would urge you to see a counselor or therapist SP. You need to work though these awful experiences and put them in perspective. Someday you will have a truly intimate experience with some who cares for you and is worthy of your trust. I want you to be ready for that SP. Seeing a therapist now can help that process. Your college may have a counseling department and that might be a good place to start.

As far as Tuesday night, you need to access IRC Chat. There are a number of programs you can download on the Internet (most popular are called PIRCH and MIRC) then you log onto one of  the servers of the Dalnet Network (IRC has over a dozen different Networks) that are listed on your server list. You must choose an original nickname and once you are connected, you can type:
/join #askhappyshrink.

Another way you can access Dalnet and IRC chat is by going to www.dalnet.com and joining #askhappyshrink there. PIRCH and MIRC have more features and if you really want to chat regularly, I would suggest you download one of those programs.

Note for AOL users: People using AOL as their ISP can not use the PIRCH or MIRC programs because of AOL's firewall. AOL has its own software programs that their technical support staff can help you install.

I hope you can get on line and say hello SP. But I hope even more you get the help you need. Please let me know.

happy(onlinebutneveroutofline)shrink

Dear Happy,

Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is....DESSERTS! So, get some!
"Diet For Every Day Stress"

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that you've been building up.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from
the freezer)

Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are
    canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more
    than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy,
    toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the
    entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds,
    buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cause calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of
    preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are:
    spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes with gravy.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.
This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories
    rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL
    know how calories like to cling!)

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I believe you shared this "diet" with me last year. That's why I'm on Weight Watcher's this year.

happy(lost22lbsandcounting)shrink

Let's say i have this friend and a long time ago lets say around 1990 she became involved with a man 14 years older than her. As it turns out it was just a teen crush for her, But he dominated over her and expected her to leave home when she became 18, and also insisted she lose her virginity with him. She did lose it to him but not in a way it should have been taken from her. It was always what she never did right and therefore she verbally punished by him to where she was afraid he might
hit her one day. Instead of hitting her he would hit other things (cars or trees). Her parents tried to keep him away. She told him to leave her alone forever.

But he would show up at her school and she found out he started looking in her window at night. He even followed her family out of town when they took a vacation. My friend was always looking over her shoulder from there on out. Today, she's happily married with a beautiful son. She and her husband have together for 5 years. But she gets real real BAD anxiety attacks when they travel out of town. She told me she has had bad nightmares of this pervert trying run her and her son off the road to kill them. Another dream is that he tries to kill her parents
or just her. What should she do . This maniac still lives in the same town. She's always afraid he might just be there one day when she turns around, or has he gone on with his life. She said that she would go to his funeral if he died (to make sure he was gone for good) I feel very bad for her. He also made her do sexual acts as a young girl to satisfy himself or he'd get mad. How can I help her cope with what she still holds inside? Some people have told her to go to him and let out all her
anger, since she was so young then. But I don't think she should. Please
reply thank you.

WL
 :)

Dear WL,

Your friend is probably suffering from a condition known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is very a common for people who have been in abusive relationships. Among the symptoms are nightmares, anxiety or panic attacks, sleep disorders, low self esteem and hypervigilence. While the trauma occurred years ago, it can haunt your friend for the rest of her life if she doesn't do something about it.  I suggest that she work out some of these issues in therapy. A good therapist who is skilled in working with trauma victims can help your friend get to the point where her trauma does not interfere with her everyday life even though the memories will always be there. You can't erase the past. You can only look at it with a fresh perspective.

I don't think there is anything that you can do to help your friend other than urge her to see a counselor or psychotherapist. If there has been no contact with this man for a very long time, it is likely that he has gotten over her and has perhaps he has moved on to stalking someone else. If he has been harassing her recently, she should get an "order of protection" to keep him away. There are no guarantees about meeting up with this guy again. If the fear of having him enter her life again is that paralyzing, she might have to consider moving however, I would try the therapy first to see if that can reduce her anxiety and make her life more bearable.

happy(makinglifemorebearable)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

You know .. Easter is coming and I plan on hiding eggs for the kids down at the
water treatment facility .. it is a family tradition that I am going to keep going for
as long as I can without getting arrested ... but this year I want to put a little religion
into the day .....

People seem to forget the TRUE MEANING of Easter and I want to explain it so
this the TRUE MEANING doesn't get lost in all the fun and games. I am sure that many of your readers don't know what it is either so maybe if you  print this we can all start this Easter holiday with the TRUE MEANING in our hearts.

Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was
deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his own disciples.  The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.

He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed of by a large boulder.  So, every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out......and if he sees his
shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Let's all pray for NO SHADOW THIS YEAR.

Love ya,

Edna

Dear Edna,

I guess I know one little girl who didn't pay much attention in Sunday School!

happy(hopingforanearlyspring)shrink

I assume 'normal' people have days when they feel sad or down.  But do they wish they were dead then?
cnot

Dear cnot,

I really don't know how you define "normal" people. If they are people without stress, tragedy, problems or hang-ups they are certainly not in the  "norm." I have met a few "healthy" people who are generally happy, have intimate relationships and feel productive and competent. But even those healthy people go through things like divorce, job loss, personal tragedy, self doubt and "down" periods. Yes cnot, some of them even wish they were dead!

So what makes them healthy even when they might wish they were dead? They can fight the feelings, deal with their problems, talk to people and never give up. Faith is a good tool for healthy people and so is a good sense of humor. Think about it cnot; you may be healthier than you think.

happy(healthierthanhethinks)shrink

Dear Happy,

I understand that Edna had her children outside the trailer with a little cardboard stand and a sign that said "Pennies, 5 cents each."  What's her problem?  Doesn't she know how to make lemonade?

love,

st(can'tbelievehowdumbthatEdnais)theresa

Dear St. Theresa,

Do you really want to have Edna and her kids sell lemonade that they "made" at the circle K Trailer Park to the public? No thank you. I'll take 5 pennies; here's my quarter!

happy(soakingthepenniesinalcohol)shrink

Dear Happy,

I hear ALL THE TIME about Domestic Violence this and Domestic Violence that
... Sheesh .. PEOPLE, STOP THAT... Good help is hard to come by ... I would
NEVER lay a hand on my maid ..   After all ... who would do the windows and
change the paper in the cupboards ?  Who would iron sheets ???  Think about
that people before you go getting violent with your domestic.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Are you for real about ironing your sheets and changing the paper in the cupboards? I suggest you look into no-iron sheets and Contact Paper. I also suggest you spend less time with Edna.

happy(onlychangesthepaperinthebathroon)shrink

Hello Dr. Happy,

I have a little question for you.  Recently I've found it hard to get out of bed.  I don't go to any of my classes or do any of my readings. I'm basically not participating in life.  But I don't in anyway feel depressed. I used to get weird mood swings, but not anymore. Am I messed?
Sincerely,

the plug

Dear plug,

I can relate to your situation. When I was in college, I did the very same thing and had no clue that I was depressed. I almost flunked out of school before I woke up and smelled the roses. Feeling sad is only one symptom of depression and some people are better at repressing these feelings than others. Your having difficulty getting up in the morning and being productive as well as isolating yourself indicates to me that you may very well be depressed. If your school has a counseling department, I would urge you to go there and speak to someone. If not, you might want to find a mental health clinic in your area.

This is an important and stressful time in your life plug. Don't let it slip away from you. Get the help you need. Let me know how things work out.

happy(lettomanythingsslipawayinhislife)shrink

In response to WD....Wind writes:

Dear Happyshrink,

I read WD's letter and have one thing to say - she might not have this guy, but she CAN have this guys money and while it will not make her hurt go away, it will be nice to know that the SOB has to live up to HIS responsibilities, too.  He didn't have a problem creating his child, now let him be responsible for his child for the next 18 years.

Sometimes you can check with the family court in your area and they will probably be very helpful and let you know what you need to do in order to collect child support.  Just a thought.......

Wind

Thanks Wind, It sounds like WD can use some support right now! Got any other thoughts?....

Dear Happyshrink,

Last night I wanted to make a special dinner for my kids.  You know, we've been on the go so much lately that we haven't really had time to share a family meal.  Anyway, I was all out of ideas, so I called Edna.  She wasn't home, but fortunately for me, Bubba was!  He was so kind - he gave me his recipe for "Bubba Stroganoff."  It was really good and the kids have mostly stopped crying now.  I just want to share it, because I know how much you like new food recipes, and there's a LOW FAT version.

RECIPE FOR BUBBA STROGANOFF

This simple, yet elegant meal can serve a family of five, mainly because at least four of them will refuse to eat it. The leftovers can be kept in the refrigerator for a long time, though no one I know has ever actually eaten them except the dog, so I can't speak to how well they keep.

The ingredients are as follows:

One frozen loaf of bread dough.  One bag of the noodles that are thick and curly.  One onion.  One six pack of beer.  One and a half pounds of frozen ground meat.  A tub of sour cream.  Two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup.  (A low fat version can be made by substituting water for any of the above.)

Though the instructions on the frozen bread suggest four to six hours of gentle thawing, I recommend you show it who is boss around here and don't pull it out of the freezer until about an hour before you're going to eat.  Grease the thing with butter until it feels like a slippery brick and stick it in a bread pan.  Put a towel over the top because you have seen other people do this.  Preheat the oven--the more frozen the loaf, the hotter you re going to want the oven to be. I usually shoot for between four and six hundred degrees.

Chop up the onion until you are sobbing and dump it into a pan.  Heat the pan on medium until you get impatient, then flip it to high.  Open your first beer.

Gradually, a sizzling sound will attract your attention.  This is the noise onions make as they adhere themselves to the bottom of the pan. Don't overreact: Scraping the onions and flipping them over just means they will wind up being burned on BOTH sides.  When the smoke alarm begins blaring, it is time to add the frozen block of ground beef.

There is no reason why, at this point, you shouldn't have another beer.

You know the meat is done when it is black on all sides and still hard in the middle.  Break it into chunks with a spatula or a screwdriver. Stir it around a few times, if it makes you feel better.  Most people recommend draining the grease from the pan, but I have discovered this is completely impossible without dumping the meat into the sink (although the onions will remain in place on the bottom of the pan, no matter what you do.) Once the meat is in the sink it mixes with the debris in the drain trap and becomes Something Other Than Bubba Stroganoff.  Perhaps the resulting mixture is best labeled "The Recipe formally known as Bubba."

Open the cream of mushroom soup and the sour cream and pour them on top of the meat.  You don't want to look too closely at the result. Set a large kettle of water on top of the stove, stick the bread in the oven, and open a beer.  And you thought this was going to be tough!

Eventually the meat mixture will begin burping like a Yellowstone geyser. Large clumps of steaming Bubba Stroganoff will eject into the air and land with a satisfying plop on the stove top, which will make you very popular with your wife later.  Pour the noodles into the kettle and let  em boil.  Check the bread, which should be forming a tough, callous-like skin on the surface.  When the kettle overflows, remain calm--the cascading water will cool the burner and cause the
boiling the subside, maintaining a safe and harmonious balance. Occasionally, pick a noodle out with a fork and throw it against the wall.

1.  Throw the noodle, not the fork.
2.  If the noodle sticks to the wall, it is because
    (a)your dinner is ready, or
    (b) the wall is so tacky from cooking noodles in the past that an oil slick
        would stick to it.
3.  If the noodle ricochets off the wall and breaks dishes, you might
        want to let them boil a little longer.

By now the delicious smell of the bread is filling your house, and your children are calling their friends in a desperate attempt to be invited somewhere else for dinner.  Pull the bread out and extinguish the flames by pouring water on it.  Dump the noodles in the sink where, interestingly enough, they will all be stuck together in one large, starchy mass.  Chop this up with the screw driver, toss on a hunk of bread, and pour the sauce liberally over the top.  Serve.  Enjoy!

Doesn't that sound yummy?

Wind(I'dlikeapieceofbreadmayIhavethechainsaw)NWillows

Dear Wind,

I will test out this fabulous recipe just as soon as I complete Weight Watchers! (lost 22lbs so far).

happy(discoveringthejoysofanorexia)shrink

I'm not!!!  I am very upset because this guy used me for 6 months, got me pregnant, then deserted me because he said I was going to ruin his life. Then 5 months later he gets a bartender pregnant and married her.  He is happy with his new wife and baby and me and my child are left in the cold.  I am so angry and want him to pay.  Why does God punish me so?? What have I ever done to deserve to be treated this way??  He said he wasn't going to let someone like me ruin his life and that me and my bastard child were on our own then he's all nice to this other girl and takes care of her. How can I get through this??

WD

Dear WD,

The way you get over this is to change your focus from being angry and feeling victimized to getting on with your life. I know this isn't easy. Anger is a very strong emotion and it replaces the love and passion that you once had for this guy. Having been rejected and betrayed is an all to common occurrence and it is not a punishment from God. There is an opportunity to learn from this experience, but you have to get passed the bitterness. You may want to consider counseling if you can't do it by yourself. You have a young child to raise as well as the opportunity to pursue your dreams. There is still a lot of life left to live WD.  It's your choice how you live it.

You also might want to find out what legal rights you have with regard to getting child support. This effort should not be to get back at your ex-lover, but to take care of your baby. Good luck WD. Let me know how things work out.

happy(stillhasalotoflifeaheadtoo)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

Heard the BEST all time pick up line tonight when Edna was introducing me to
some of her FRIENDS at the trailer park.  I believe it was Lurlene's husband
who looked me "up and down" and said ... "Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?"

I think I'm in love.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I noticed those shoes too!

happy(wanna......ohnevermind)shrink

Later this year, I will turn 50. How do I cope with this potentially traumatic event ?
I have mixed feelings at this time amid much confusion in my life. While I have my health, I fret over what the number 50 means. I don't feel or act like 50 , but can I deny the calendar ? What impact will societal forces have over my reaching  this questionable milestone ? I could really use your help prior to November, 9, 1999.

Regards,

Manorhaven Mike

Dear Manorhaven Mike,

Given the fact that we were in the same cub scout den, I'm sure it has occurred to you that I will be reaching the same milestone in a few months. Last week I bought a pair of roller blades. Earlier in January, I joined Weight Watchers and hope to weigh what I did at age 35 by the time the big 50 arrives. Another road to the fountain of youth has been getting together with my childhood friends for lunch. We talk about things like ringalevio, Johnny on a pony, punch ball and what ever happened to some of the really cute girls in Mrs. Portnoy's fifth grade class. Before you know it, I'm a kid again back in the Bronx thinking of going to the movies at the Loew's Paradise and then having a hot fudge sundae at Krum's Candy Shop or the best hot dogs ever at Gorman's (even better than Nathan's Famous).

These activities don't change the reality of your age or the fact that the world we grew up in is long gone. But feeling young is attainable to everyone and more important than being young. It's only fair that we can go back to some of the good things in our childhood. God knows I've spend enough time in the past on my own therapist's couch remembering the bad things. Looking forward to our next lunch.

happy(ringalevio123123123)shrink

Dear Happy,

It really grates on me when the midwestern sow who gave birth to a litter of, like, eighteen premature piglets attributes it to "God's will" when she's been guzzling biochemical slurpees for the past two years - or when a crack mother in Detroit ejects a snot-gurgling retard with three eyes and harelip and uses the same excuse.  God's Will My Ass. It's not divine influence ...
 ... it's poetic justice.

Granted, the part of their brain that could fathom the mechanics of offspring went south instead, but is it really all that difficult? Just whistle a happy tune, grunt a couple of times, and aim for something soft. ....and if it has two heads, leave it in the woods.

That's all the sentimental stuff I can come up with this morning after becoming
a Grand .... errrrrrr....... Auntie !!!

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Try cutting down on that caffeine in the morning! And don't forget your mantra!

happy(calmblueocean,calmblueocean)shrink

Hi I'm thirty-five and have been taking Xanex and an array of other medications for panic attacks. When I first started taking Xanex I was told from the get go not to just stop taking it, but after three years of the drug I started to cut down on the dosage and then I just quit taking it all together. Well about two months later I had come back home and was found on my bed shaking, drooling and digging my nails into the cheeks of my face.....I told my doctor that I had stopped taking the medication and that I had a seizure. She told me it was called a pseudo seizure and that is one of the reactions that sometimes happens when the Xanex is stopped... Well I've been taking it as ordered and still I have seizures and not as often as before but still have them none the less......They usually occur when I'm real tired or when a real stressful situations comes up.....So could you tell me if lack of sleep and stress can cause these type of seizures.....Or could you please give me a list of situations that can cause them......Thank you for your time and trouble.

W

Dear W,

These "pseudo seizures" are a form of panic attack. Fatigue and stress can cause them. If you are dieting or have poor eating habits, that too can bring about these pseudo seizures. Skipping meals or not getting a good balance of protein, carbohydrates and fat in your diet can cause physical as well as psychological symptoms.

I would strongly urge you to follow your psychiatrists instructions W, as well as try to get enough sleep, exercise and healthy nutrition. There is stress in everyone's life and that may not be something you have control of but the eating, sleeping and taking your meds are things you can do to enable you to cope with stress more effectively. Let me know how things progress.

happy(copingwithstresseveryday)shrink

Dear Happy,

Edna has been learning to speak up and "defend herself" against people who call her "trailer trash" ... "MAROON ... etc. .... I was GOING TO SAY that she was doing pretty well ... that is until yesterday ...

We were at the mall and walked into a shop and she asks the clerk "Do you
have any Polish sausage?" The clerk said ... "Are you Polish ?"

That's when Edna decides to really let him have it .... She begins..."What difference does that make?"  "If I asked for Brotwurst would you ask me if I'm German?  If I asked for champagne would you ask me if I'm French?  How about tacos?  Would you then ask me if I am Mexican ??  It just so happens that I AM Polish!  Why do you ask?"

The man says ... "Because this is a clothing store."

NEED I SAY MORE ????

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Gee I didn't know Edna was Polish. So..... did she get a good buy on the sausage?

happy(playingwithmykilbasa)shrink