Background ten years ago I made a decision that I did not want to make, I called the college I had attended for my freshman year and told them that I was not going to be returning for my sophomore year, I have no recollection of why I called the college, I only called the college after one of my parents told me that if I had definitely decided that I was not going to be returning to the college I should call the college and tell them that I was not going to be returning.  A few days passed between one of my parents giving me advice and the actual phone call.  Nothing happened in the few days following that advice one of my parents gave me which caused me to want to call the college and tell them that I was not going to returning. For a month prior to this phone call I vacillated between returning and not returning to college.

My question is it possible to make a decision and not know why you made it, is it possible that one of the reasons are person does not know why they made a decision is because there is no reason behind it?  What would cause a person to make a decision that they did not want to make even though no one was forcing them to do it?

ph

Dear ph,

I believe that there is a reason why we do everything in life. Most of what we do is part of our conscious thought process. However, some of our behavior is part of our unconscious thought process. The "unconscious" is a mental process that enables us to repress thoughts and feelings. When the mind becomes filled with too much anxiety or conflict, it uses a number of "defense mechanisms" that protects itself from extreme stress or even trauma.

My guess is that something was going on that made you decide to not go back to college. I can't tell you what the reason is, but possibilities may have been anger at your parents, fear of failure, ambivalence about what you wanted to do with your life, etc. The problem about the unconscious is just that. It is unconscious. You may tell me that you weren't angry at your parents, but you may have not been "consciously" angry at them.

So enough with the Psychoanalysis 101 lesson. The real issue ph is, why are you thinking about this now after 10 years? What is going on in your life now that makes this an important issue for you? There may be something going on that may have an unconscious process here as well. So how do you get the unconscious thoughts into consciousness? Well analytically oriented psychotherapy is one way. But even talking to friends and family about what is going on in your life can increase your self awareness. Another key to the unconscious is in our dreams. Got any good ones lately ph ? Write me a dream and I will try and interpret it for you!

happy(unconsciousandlovingit)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

Since I have been working so many things have changed.. the best thing is this computer I bought.. I can't sneak and use the one at the food stamp office any more. they cut me off... making too much money at Walmart.  So I am on my own now with this computer.. The Internet is really confusing  but I am getting the hand of it. Gonna share with you my diary. I have come a long way!

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America On-line. I've heard it is the best on-line service I can get.  They even included a free disk!  I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one!  I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get on-line.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America On-line for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy.  But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid.  He's so smart and he does these services for people.  Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one?  And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall?  I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb!  But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the Internet?  I thought I was on America On-line. Not this Internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America On-line stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me.  Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today.  I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America On-line not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that?  I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 -  I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY.  WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKEABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
 
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES
.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. I'M NOT SHOUTING! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file.  Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.AOL.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that AOL should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an AOL is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
 
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

Love and Kisses,

Edna

Dear Edna,

Never change! I love you just the way you are!

happy(wildaboutedna)shrink

Do you thnk it's stupid to send pics of yourself to people you don't even know?  I'm a 48 F who thinks it might be fun.

Love,

DEERnHDLIT

Dear DeernHDLIT,

It sounds like fun to me too. I have posted pictures of myself and my chat buddies on the webpage from time to time. It does make the person you are chatting with or corresponding with more real. Just remember that there are a few wackos out there, so you get to know the person a little bit before you sent the pic. There is always some risk DeernHDLIT, but if you are bold enough to take the next step of getting to know people on line, then go for it!

happy(showmeyourpic)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I moved far away from my home state last year.  I had previously had some pretty nasty trauma and just needed a new start.  I thought that coming here would improve my outlook and help me think more positively about things. Well, to some degree that's true, but I became so mistrustful and suspicious of people where I was that I find that I really become fearful now in social situations.

So I have been here less than a year and I don't have friends.  I sort of talk to some people at work, but I can't imagine having anyone in my house, or going out with any one.  I do really well, too, until people start asking questions, then I just don't talk to them any more.  I don't want to be like this.  People here are nice and there's no reason to not just get out there and try.  Any suggestions?

Timid.

Dear Timid,

So when people start asking personal questions about yourself, you withdraw? What is it you are afraid to tell them? I don't know what your trauma was Timid, but it sounds like you still have not gotten over it. Moving may have lessened some of your anxiety, but it hasn't enabled you to trust people and open yourself up again.

Post Traumatic Stress can often be a hidden problem Timid. Being "timid" can appear to be a personality trait. There are lots of shy and quiet people in the world. I really think you need to work out your past trauma with a therapist. You wouldn't be writing me if you didn't realize that friends and intimacy are very important parts of life. But they also involve risk. Perhaps you took some risks in the past that ended up hurting you. No one can assure you that things like that won't happen again, but seeing a therapist can help you to desensitize your past traumatic fears and perhaps over time, increase your self esteem.

A social life is a terrible thing to waste Timid. You sound like a fairly young person and this should be a time for excitement and self discovery. Don't face alone. Get the help you need. Good luck and keep me informed about your progress.

happy(sometimesfeelsshyandtimidtoo)shrink

This is my first chat online.  I found you by entering humor chat on my search.  Since going online much of our web searching has been in the medical realm.  What a year this has been!  We have become full time parents of a 14 year old in the grips of full blown adolescent meltdown.  My husbands ex-wife was diagnosed with brain cancer; has had surgery, radiation and is now in the process of receiving chemotherapy.

Then I started feeling less than wonderful; headaches (daily) fatigue, itching weight loss.  Now this could all be stress driven however the fact that my lymph nodes were all swollen (neck, throat, groin) worried me some.  The next thing I new I was having a needle biopsy, not good says the doctor symptoms and biopsy all point to lymphoma, we need to do a full blown biopsy.  Okay says I, this is just an out patient thing and we need to get to the bottom of this, go for it, and so  we did.  After the surgery I woke up (not completely) to the doctor telling me that there had been a little complication and he had accidentally cut into my esophagus, oops accidents do happen.

After a four a 4 day hospital stay for my outpatient surgery we had the biopsy results back, no lymphoma.....sorry we don't know what is wrong with you. However, I would go back to my primary care physician and have him look at the large lump on the back of your neck because I don't think that it is an enlarged lymph node like we had originally thought it seems to be a growth on your spine.  That was last Thursday, I just haven't had the strength or is it nerve or is it a complete lack of mental wherewithal to make that phone call.

Last weekend we realized that both the t.v. and the fridge were going to pass away before any of us did so we went shopping for a new bright shinny appliance, which was to be delivered today.  Upon returning home from work this evening and of course being excited to see the new refrigerator in place I was informed by my husband that they had brought the wrong one and they would have to reorder, however he had some news to take my mind off of my disappointment about the fridge. It seems that his eight year old, my stepson had been to the doctor today and had been diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome and so ends another week in our lives.  Now I have left out many of the other more mundane problems that had sprung up along the way.  There was the joy riding in a stolen car incident with the 14 year old just to name one.  The bottom line is that the only way we have survived any of this is that we both have a great sense of humor....do you think that Prozac might be something to look into, can doctors write family prescriptions...do you get a group rate at the pharmacy?

cv

Dear cv,

A good sense of humor, is even better than a group rate for Prozac. The fact that you can laugh at adversity and find a humor in some very serious problems is as good or better a remedy for stress as anything a Dr. can prescribe. Let's face it. Sometimes life can really suck, and just when you think that it can't get any worse, it usually does. You have had more than your share of problems, disappointments and heartaches but you are still smiling and hanging in there. Here's just a few suggestions on how to cope with your current and future stressors.

1.    Use adversity as a means of rallying your family together. Supporting one another during tough times can not only help all of you; it can make you stronger and enhance your relationships. Have regular family meetings to talk about problems and come up with group strategies.

2.    Talk about what's going on. Talk to your husband, your kids, your friends, family, relatives, clergyperson and if necessary, a therapist. Anyone who will listen, and not tell you how to fix things (you need support and not advice) can be helpful in sharing some of your stress.

3.    Keep a daily diary or log of everything that has happened. Perhaps not in the present, but in the future, it will put all of what you have been through in perspective. I would bet that just writing to me had some therapeutic benefits!

4.    Let me know how things turn out. This may or may not be helpful to you but I'm a big Yenta (Yiddish for busybody) as most therapist are and I like to know what's going on.

happy(havethreegoodlaughs-oneshortcry-andcallmeinthemorning)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I am a little confused about the whole situation involving Paula Jones. What exactly is she accusing the president of doing to her? Do you believe that cheap trailer park floozy?

Edna

Dear Edna,

I'm not sure what Bill Clinton supposedly did. I'm not sure if Bill Clinton actually did what Paula Jones says he did. But I do know that even cheap trailer park floozies can tell the truth and there have been more than a few President's who have told some lies. So what does all this Paula Jones stuff mean to most people? Absolutely nothing, but it  does makes for good reading while waiting on line at the Walmart checkout counter. Hope the job is going well Edna.

happy(lovesthemfloozies)shrink

Do you know anything about hypnosis or hypnotherapy?  I've heard it's "suggestion."  Is it real, does it work, and have you or anyone you know ever had it?  And what about those hypnotists "for entertainment" - can that be for real?

  Zaral (alwayswondered&neverhadastraightansweraboutthis)

Dear Zaral,

Hypnotherapy does exist and has been shown to be an effective intervention for the reduction of phobic reactions as well as habits and addictions. I don't have any statistics with regard to how effective these interventions are. But, if you think it will help Zaral, why not give it a try. You just never know.

Happy(alwaysgivingitatry)shrink

Hi There Happy,

I have a rather serious question concerning 7 & 8 year old granddaughters that are coming to live with me. They come from an undetermined background (drugs, abuse etc). The girls have numerous problems including a diagnosis of anorexia & bulemia. Do you have any suggestions. Have you ever heard of children with this diagnosis that were this young? Is it possible for you to email your answer? Thanks so much,

frantic gramma

Dear frantic gramma,

Seven & Eight are very young ages to be diagnosed with anorexia & bulimia. The only thing I can tell you is that for children this young to display these kinds of symptoms, their trauma had to be extremely severe. Your grandchildren would probably benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in working with children. Child psychotherapists often employ "play therapy" as a means of helping young children to overcome some of their inner conflicts. Your task of providing a safe, loving and nurturing environment as well as serving as a good role model will also help. The earlier the intervention, the better frantic.  Don't delay!

happy(triesnottodelay)shrink

How are you? I'm not so great. I have a phobia and I was wondering if there is anything I can do about it.  My ex-boyfriend shot heroin and, although I never did it myself, I can not allow anyone to draw blood from the crook of my arm.  Needles do not bother me.  Vaccines and blood samples taken from my thumb are no problem.  However, when a needle, or someone's hand for that matter, touches the inside of my arm, I begin to panic and sometimes hyperventilate.  I try to relax when getting blood drawn to prove to myself that it isn't a big deal but I cannot do it.  My arm jerks away involuntarily.  This presents a problem at my yearly check-up when I must get blood drawn.  If you know of any method of treating this, please let me know.  I would certainly appreciate it. Thanks.

HS

Dear HS,

The most common treatment for phobias like the one you described involve the use of desensitization techniques. You might want to call a behavioral therapist and describe your symptoms. While desensitization may help this phobia, I have a hunch that there are other problems from your experiences with your boyfriend that may require some insight oriented therapy. Phobic symptoms are easy to spot while other symptoms caused by dysfunctional relationships may not be as apparent. In any event, seeing a therapist is not a bad idea HS. Let me know how it goes.

happy(tryingtocomeupwithgoodideas)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

Why do they call them "apartments" when they’re all stuck together? If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Edna

Dear Edna,

Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me. I guess they should really be called compartments. As far as bars having parking lots, wasn't it Charleston Heston that said that beer is enjoyed by 80 million responsible Americans? Should they be penalized because of 40 million irresponsible Americans? Just ask Bubba his opinion on that! (You may need to explain to Bubba what an opinion is.)

happy(alwaysresponsibleandalwayslovesthatEdna)shrink

This may not seem like a big deal but believe me it is. How often should a 44 year old son talk on the phone to his 79 year old mom. She is in good health and lives alone. I would prefer once a week and have told her that but if she had her way it would be 2 or 3 times a week ( and she believes she can pick up the phone and call any time she wants). I told her I need more space and that what I can see normal is once a week. Does this sound right to you and what can I tell her. Thanks

DT

Dear DT,

There are really no rules that govern how often grown children communicate with their parents. I know many grown children who talk to their mothers every day and feel good about it. I know others that talk to their mothers once a month and wish it were once a year. One doesn't have to be a shrink to figure out that your 79 year old mother who lives alone and is in perfect health is also lonely. I am sure the phone calls are reassurances to her that she is still a "mother" and that she still matters.

The problem I have with your question is figuring out what other "baggage" comes into play here. Is there a history of conflict and bad feelings between the two of you? Do you feel she tries to pry into your life and control you? Are there other demands she makes of you that cause you to want to avoid her? If this is the case, you have every right to set limits on her intrusiveness, but don't expect her to change after 79 years.

It's not what you tell her that will change the situation, it's what you will do to change it. If you have an answering machine, it is not hard to monitor your phone calls and limit your conversations with her to once a week. You can always do the "Can't talk now mom, I am in the middle of something, speak to you later" approach and limit the amount of real conversations to once a week. Yes, this will piss her off but you will eventually take control of the situation.

Frankly though, if you can get over whatever baggage you do have with your mother, and get to the point that her 2-3 calls per week is something that you can put up with to make her feel needed, I might think about doing that DT. Even though she is healthy, its just a matter of time that she will be calling you no times a week. I know, that's a bit of a guilt trip I'm throwing on you, but it's one all of us go through. You yourself may look forward to speaking with family members as you get on in years and feel more isolated. Think about what you really want to do about this situation that will make you feel that you are doing the right thing in the long run DT.

Happy(doingtherightthinginthelongrun)shrink
 

Dear Happyshrink,

I was sitting here drinking my 10th pot of coffee...and was thinking...

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck,
divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

and ... If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Or something like that.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

If Miyoshi Umeki (Academy Award winning actress in the movie "Sayonara") had a brother named Hau Mosh Moni would his name be: Hau Mosh Moni Umeki?

happy(wisheshecouldMekimoreMoni)shrink

I'm happily married with 2 teenagers at home and have recently developed a flirting / fantasy type relationship with a woman my own age in another state some 600 miles away.  I get extremely excited when we get on line and "chat" with occasional cyber hugs and kisses.  This cyber relationship has increased my desire for my wife of 20 years.  My cyber-girlfriend is also married and enjoys the fantasy relationship. She wants to leave things as non-real for now too e.g. no telephone or flower deliveries or anything tangible.  Is there any harm in this type of relationship?  We have each other's telephone numbers but as of yet we have not spoken to one another "live".  We have been "chatting" for about 1 month now.

Secret Chat.

Dear Secret Chat,

I have to warn you that there are very real dangers to an on-line romance. I have seen literally hundreds of marriages end in separation and divorce after a spouse got involved in a cyber relationship with another person. In most cases, the marriage had serious problems to begin with. You may not see these problems yet, but look at what is going on in your marriage already. You are keeping this secret from your wife. The thought of taking the relationship a step further is out there too even if it's not in the present scheme of things.

It is easy to get involved in a cyber relationship in a very short time Secret Chat. Intimacy occurs very quickly with an anonymous partner who doesn't have to deal with your kids, the laundry, the bills, house work, etc. Cyber partners become idealized individuals who seem to understand us better than our spouses and without the business of marriage to bring us to reality, they are a hell of a lot more fun too.

As I have said on my Web Page many times, chat can be very addictive. And like all addictions, you can hurt yourself as well as your family if you are not careful. It would be hypocritical for me to tell you to stop chatting Secret Chat, given the fact that I chat on-line almost every day. But beware of the dangers and think about why this cyber relation is happening to you now? What is cyber romance giving you that your marriage isn't? If you really want to protect your marriage, I would seriously think about the issues I have raised and would seriously think twice about continuing this cyber romance. Good luck Secret Chat.

happy(alwaysthinkingtwiceandeventhreetimes)shrink

My husband works all the time, evenings and weekends at his own company. This leaves very little time for us and when we are together he is always very tired. He gets up and is gone before I am up, works all day then goes to sleep as soon as he comes home. I am consequently home alone all the time. The problem is I have discovered my husband is going out to dinner, with his friends without me, and spending late nights at the office with another man, supposedly working. I came into the office yesterday and found a porno site saved on my computer. When I asked about it, my husband was embarrassed and didn't know what to say, then he said his friend had been looking at it the night before while they were working. Do you think it is abnormal for two married men to go to dinner and work late several times a week and look at porno (male/female) together? Do you think this is appropriate behavior for men in their 30's? Do you think I have a bigger problem to worry about? Your input would be greatly appreciated as I am concerned and unable to trust my husband since I have found this out.

Sincerely,

Kim

Dear Kim,

I know that this may not be a popular stand to take about pornography, but it is something that men just do! If you have a man, a computer and the Internet, pornography is likely to happen. If you told me that you found pictures of child pornography or mutilation saved on his website, I would be concerned. Eventually (even out of curiosity sometimes) even good, loyal, trustworthy and faithful men do find their way to a porno site on the Internet. Just as men don't understand why women can spend hours in Bloomingdales (or whatever the trendy department store is in your neck of the woods), it is hard for women to understand men's obsession with pornography. This is a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" phenomenon that doesn't get talked about too much because it's not politically correct,

While I can reassure you that your husbands interest in pornography on the Internet is not a cause for alarm Kim, that doesn't mean that he's not having an affair nor am I suggesting that you don't have a potentially serious problem. The fact that he's out late at night and hardly spends time with you is worrisome and I think you need to talk to him about it. Even if he is just working hard, it is still important for him to make time for you. Marriages often fail because men and women become so locked in to the roles of income provider and father/mother, they forget about the roll of husband and wife.

The situation you described of him working days evenings and weekends, Kim puts your marriage in the category of  "an accident waiting to happen" (if it hasn't already). See if you can convince him that it is still important to make time for the two of you (without kids!). If he is unresponsive to that idea or tells you something like, "I need to work out some things in my head first," then your problems may be much more serious and your worst fears may have already occurred. Marriage counseling may be something to consider too if there seems to be differences in how you both see the marriage and assess the situation. From his point of view, he may feel that you spend plenty of time together.

I'm sorry I can't be more reassuring to you about your husband's fidelity Kim. Unfortunately, like pornography,  affairs are something that men do too.....but then, so do women. Good luck Kim. I hope you can work things out.

happy(alwaystryingtoworkthingsout)shrink

My name is Deb (AKA Scarecrow). I live in Maine. We have some good HealthCare, but we are very rural, so it is very far away. I have some issues. Doesn't everyone? I have been suicidal, probably most of my life, only I only remember it being for last three years. I have a terrible memory. But anyway, there are lots of issues like sexual/physical/and emotional abuse as a child. I only just recently revealed some of this. I am now 42. Then I have been very ill, the past
(going on) 4 years.

The Doctor was dismissing my illness as being stress. Then psychosomatic. And more recently as being in my head. This is even as symptoms became worse and more things began to go wrong. Then I was told
I was bi-polar.

Well I finally had to refuse medical treatment until the Doctor's did a skin biopsy, on this terrible rash I would get, along with edema of the legs and feet, lung infection, low grade fever, and horrible headaches. I almost died this time, but they did the biopsy. It came back positive for systemic lupus  ?/SLE.

Okay, so what. I suffered for four years. My Doctor does not want any part of validating my illness, or I guess admitting she made a mistake. Like I said.... we are very, very rural. I am limited to care. Well I guess what I am saying is.... my whole life is screwed up. Relationships, illness, and just "me". I want to feel good. I thought with the diagnosis, I'd be on my way to feeling better. I am always feeling that it is unfair for others to have to put up with me and my illness. I am now in a gay relationship, because, I don't know why. I have married and divorced 3 times. I do have 2 wonderful children. And an extended family with 4 wonderful kids ages 7-12. Why do I feel so much doom and gloom? Why do I think I am sooooooo awful, when others try to convince me I'm not? I am presently, having learned the hard way, trying to act cheerful and happy-go-lucky. I want everyone else to be happy, feel good and not worry about me. I am even hiding a lot of the physical pain I am in, because I feel it doesn't matter, besides no one should be worrying about me. I am not too bad about the pain thing, cause I have always had a high tolerance. But, I can't hide the rashes, bloating, swelling, eyes swelling shut, and
lung problems. And since my Doc has labeled me, more or less, and since
I am a problem(I guess), medical treatment is withheld, as Lupus patient. I am afraid of getting my Doctor mad, because whatever she says or records, is what other docs will listen too. So what do I do? Wait till I die? Kill myself so no one else has to put up with me? Just sit here and take it? I'm carrying a lot of baggage. I know this. But, I don't want others to deal with me and my "stuff".

Any advice?
Thanks
Deb AKA Scarecrow

Dear Deb,

I first want to address the issue of your AKA: Scarecrow. It almost seems like it's a name to scare people off....as if to say. "Warning!....You don't want to get too close to me. I'm way too much trouble. Buyer beware!" And from what you have told me about your history of physical, sexual and emotional abuse as well as a serious illness, I can certainly understand where you are coming from.

Despite the fact that you have had a number of unsuccessful marriages Deb, it seems like you have some very significant relationships in your life. It also sounds like you have been successful as a mother. The fact that you are still here after all the stuff you have been through and all the pain you have endured tells me that you are one tough lady.

So why am I telling you all this? Am I trying to tell you that every cloud has a silver lining and you should be thankful with what you have? Nope, you can always read Dear Abby or sister Ann Landers for that kind of crap. What I am saying is, that despite that fact that life can be pretty shitty and may even get shittier, you have some strengths that you can build on if you choose to. Like it or not, you do matter to a lot of people and sometimes it may actually feel better to be the Scarecrow and scare them off. My guess is that most of them won't go away and "Deb" doesn't want them to even though "Scarecrow" does.

Your list of problems are pretty overwhelming and I would suggest you try to tackle one thing at a time. I do have three concrete suggestions.

1.    Get a new Medical Doctor! I know it may be tough where you live. You may have to travel further than you like but it will be worth having someone who listens to you and treats you with respect.

2.    See a Psychiatrist in conjunction with a new Medical Doctor. The psychiatrist can evaluate if you need medication for your emotional stress. I'm not big on medication for quick fixes but it may be helpful and its worth looking into.

3.    More important than even 1. or 2. See a Psychotherapist so that you can begin to deal with your past and work out some of trauma that you have experienced. This will take time and sacrifice but it will be worth it in the long run. Believe it or not, all of us need to have people deal with our stuff!

Good Luck Deb. Next time I hear from you, I hope the Scarecrow is relocated in someone else's pasture.

happy(notafraidofscarecrows)shrink

I am not in a real good mood today cause people call us Trailer Trash...we're here and there's not a whole heckuvalot you can do about it.  Most times, one family will become a clan of about 10-20 soon as their drunk, homeless friends and relatives move in.  If we're real lucky we'll find a trailer somewheres, pull it up next to our's and cut holes in the walls to make us a fine double-wide home.  See, we do like nice things, we just don't like workin' for 'em.  So we find things to bring home.  Like
the time Big Dave brought home a big ol' pink cadilac. We was all kiddin'
him that he musta stole that caddie from a Mary Kay lady.

Anyways.  Now, for some reason we ain't too keen on bathin' or washin' our clothes and most of us don't have too many visits left from the tooth-fairy (if ya know what I mean)..  Our youngin's are perty cute from a distance, but don't get too close, they bite and there ain't too many of 'em had their shots.  Once a month the whole trailer trash town will have a big ol' party.  This is a telltale sign that our welfare checks have come in.  These parties alway turn into drunken brawls.  But soon as the kegs is drained we'll pass out and the next mornin' you can find us draped over the various lawn decorations in our yards (junk cars, washing machines, toilets, etc.). Well, that's about it for now.

Edna

Dear Edna,

There will always be people who make fun of you and your kids. People have been doing that to other people before there were trailers Edna. Maybe you and your family drink a bit too much and party a bit too loud, but everyone is entitled to their dignity. At least you care enough about friends and family to help them out when they are down and out. Be proud who you are Edna. I'm proud to know you! OK, I'll admit it. I am kind of ashamed knowing Bubba, but I never said I was perfect Edna.

happy(lovethatedna)shrink

I just broke up with my girlfriend. We were very involved and now I don't know how to get over it. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do with all my emotions. how can somebody get rid of all the love they have for a person all of a sudden. I'm very depressed and confused. Please help!

JB

Dear JB,

First, the bad news: If breaking up wasn't hard, Neil Sedaka and about a thousand other song writers would not be cashing in big time. It's one of the most written about, sung about and talked about life processes. It is a pain that all of us go through. No matter how many times it happens, it always hurts big time. You are not alone JB.

Now the good news: There are two things that can help you get over a break up. One is time. That's the easy one. When love dies, (even if only one of the parties stop loving) there is a mourning process not all that different from the death of a loved one. We need time to accept it, grieve over it, and put our memories in proper prospective.

The other thing that can help you is talking about your feelings to your friends. This is very important to actively initiate. There can be a tendency to become depressed and shut yourself off from people during times like these. Right now, having people in your life (even if its not the person you broke up with) can be very reassuring and uplifting. Stay active even if you have to force yourself to. Love is a very hard thing to lose JB, but if you still have a lot of love to give, there will be others to give it to. Good luck.

happy(alwayshaslovetogive)shrink

When you have justified anger over so much more than your share of life dumping on you and there is no legal outlet for this buildup of anger, and it gets to the point that you seriously want to die because of it, what do you do?

Niki

Dear Niki,

Unfortunately for many of us, life isn't fair and just when we think that it couldn't get any worse.....well, s*** happens. I don't know any details of your situation Niki but it sounds to me like you need to get some professional help. Anger can be a terrible thing if there is no way to express it. It either turns outward to the point where we hurt others or it turns inward to the point where we hurt ourselves. I would hope that you do neither of that Niki.

Speaking to a therapist may help you just by getting some of the anger out and sharing it with someone. You may also be able to work on figuring out what you can do to not feel so victimized. No matter how bad your situation is Niki, there is a way to move on with your life. Finding that path may be difficult, but its worth trying. A good therapist can't take you there but he/she can be your "guide." Don't give up! Don't let the bad guys win Niki!

happy(stillbelievesingoodguys)shrink
 

Dear Happyshrink,

Edna told me this story today.. thought you would enjoy it as much as I did.

Bubba took one of their coon dogs for a walk and after awhile he got thirsty so he tied the dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and went in for a  couple of beers. After he was in there for an hour or so a policeman came in the bar and said,  "Whose dog is tied up out front?"  Bubba said, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"   " Well,  she's in heat," the cop said.   So Bubba said,  "Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there." "That's not what I mean... Your dog needs bred"  the cop said to Bubba.  So Bubba told him, "I gave her a half of a loaf this morning.
She's fine."    Now the cop started getting a little upset and said, "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed." Bubba told him, "Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

JeWitch

OK... it's a joke..... but it COULD BE TRUE !!!

Dear JeWitch,

Does this mean that story about Bubba getting bitten by a gator that lived in Edna's the septic tank was not true either?

happy(startingtonotbelieveinfairies)shrink

I’m a 34 year old, and suffer from hearing voices and have depression. My opinion is that it’s from the past (childhood) with all the abuse. The Doctors keep pushing meds. Do you think that there is another way to go instead of taking the meds? Which I hate to do! I would really like your thoughts on this. Be free.

DC

 Dear DC,

I suspect that your childhood experiences which have included abuse was a large contributing factor in your condition. Unfortunately DC, symptoms like hearing voices are not effectively treated without medication. I don't blame you for hating to take the meds. There are usually some unpleasant side effects from these medications, including involuntary movements, lethargy and dry mouth to mention a few. However, if you can cooperate with a Psychiatrist who can find the right combination of medications to give you, the side effects can eventually be minimized.

As far as learning to live with your illness and deal with some of its causes DC, I recommend that you find a support group of people who have also been abused as children. The number of individuals who have this history is enormous and these types of groups are fairly commonplace today. Speak to your Psychiatrist, or if you go to a Clinic that has a social worker, find out where there are support groups near you. I can't promise you that it will eventually eliminate your need for medication, but it can make you feel better about yourself and lessen your negative feelings about having to take the meds. Good luck DC.

happy(feelingbetterabouthimselflately)shrink
 

I am only 14 years old, to start this question.  Last year there was this girl I "picked on" because when I did it the "cool" guys thought I was the greatest, so I did it.  She always gave me funny looks and insulted me back but I am far to witty to take a verbal attack.  This all got me in the end, this year I am finding I have feelings for her, and she is talking to me again, but that is not what I have in mind. How should I work up to asking her out, after I have initiated the small talk on occasions what should the next step be?  I will appreciate any answers.

E

 Dear E,

It takes a pretty mature guy to admit to being wrong and also have the insight to understand why he did the wrong thing. It's great that you were able to tell me about what you did  E, but have you told this girl? She may be talking to you and she's probably happy you are not picking on her anymore, but I'll bet she still remembers how you picked on her last year. Why not apologize to her for your past deeds E. Tell her as you did me why you did it. I think she will probably be as impressed with your honesty as I was!

So what do you do after that? Ask her to have a soda after school, or do homework together, or whatever things kids your age do when they "go out." If you come across to her as honest and sincere E, I would bet that she will give you a chance. Good luck and let me know how you do.

happy(neverrunsoutofchances)shrink