Postings from August 1-31, 2005
Date: August 27-28, 2005
This week's edition of "ask happyshrink" is dedicated to JeWitch (AKA Diane) and her family. Last Thursday, her 4 year-old grandson David lost his battle with cancer. He was a brave little boy who fought hard against unbelievable odds. In the end, his body was not as strong as his spirit. His parents got him the best care and were relentless in their making sure that everything that could be done was done for him. They brought him from Florida to Sloan-Kettering Hospital in New York and stayed for more than a month so that David could get the best care and have the best chance of survival. Good news was followed by bad news and then good news and then bad news again. It is hard to imagine how people can endure such stress. Based on everything that JeWitch shared with me, her son and daughter are true heros who gave everything they could for their son and would not give up until the end. So now David has left them and there is great pain and sorrow. I can't even imagine what it must feel like. Only someone who has experienced such tragedy can understand. All too sadly, JeWitch has experience such tragedy before when she lost her daughter. You might think that life would give her an exemption from further pain. It hasn't. What does this all mean? I wish I had more wisdom to explain why a child so alive and so innocent is taken from his family. Different people have different ways of finding meaning in such tragedies and I am sure each of David's family members will find their own way to understand why he was taken from them. I can say that David will always be alive in the hearts and minds of his parents, his sister and his grandmother. He made a difference in their lives. When it comes down to it, that's all anyone can hope for no matter how long or how short their lifetime is. David's life had meaning and purpose and death can never destroy that.
Forever Young Happyshrink is going away for the Labor Day weekend. He'll be back the following week....and due to gas prices, he'll be staying close to home for awhile. JS reponds: Thank you so much for answering my question. It seemed so silly at the time to ask it but just your answering it made me feel so much better! I really need to talk with someone before the worst happens. She is very good but trust was broken some time ago when I desperately needed to see her twice a week and was refused. I still don't have an answer from her only that most people would have thought that was a terrible thing. My sessions have run out now and still no reply. I cry most of the time because it hurt me more than just outright killing me on the spot. I'm sure that would have been better than this rejection. Maybe sometime we can talk about it. If it wouldn't be too much trouble for you to listen. I know that it would really help me to understand it. The whole thing has left me feeling empty and bad. I wouldn't have asked if it hadn't been very important and have never asked again you know the type-low maintenance- don't worry about me-in the background-quiet but hurting all the same. THANK YOU!!!!! JS Dear JS, If you would like to write a letter to happyshrink that I can post here, I would be happy to give you feedback and advice. It does sound to me like you need more than an on-line shrink. I realize that most insurance plans make it difficult for long term therapy even once a week let alone twice a week. There are therapists out there that will modify their pay structure to accommodate the needs of their patients. Perhaps you need to see if you can find a therapist that will work with you on a lower payment plan until your insurance kicks back in. I don't know how your therapist betrayed your trust. I can tell you that ethically, therapists are bound to confidentiality unless their patient is suicidal, homicidal, involved in child abuse, or a minor with serious problems that must be shared with their parents in order for parent to take necessary action on behalf of their child. The courts could also subpoena a therapist, but aside from those instances, your information should be kept confidential. If you would like to share more about what's going on with you, please write me again. Good luck. happy(confidentiallyspeaking)shrink
T responds: Dear Happy Shrink, Thank
you so much for your kind thoughts. I believe that the last note I
wrote you was about 3 weeks ago. I am glad to report that I have
actually been doing a little better. About a couple of weeks before
my last note I had a major fall out at work. Basically - I got
waylaid before I saw it coming. That is pretty much what took me
down the drain. However, I have actually found myself the last few
days beginning to hum silly little tunes occasionally. That is a
good thing for me. I don't know how long it will last, but hey -
enjoy it while I can, right? Dear T, I am glad you are doing better and getting tested. Keep up the good work! happy(forT'skindthoughtstoo)shrink
Dear Happy, I have written to you previously about my fear of my step-dad. I haven't the courage to ask if what I saw was real and even if I did I wouldn't believe them yes or no. Meanwhile I am experiencing "normal" teen troubles. All teen rebel against parents either to prove that they can or just to experience what is referred to as 'growing-up'. I have always tried to compromise with my mother A.K.A. I don't express any opinion. Her word is law no matter how ridiculous she sounds. Due to my steadily growing desire to tell her how I feel I have come to realize she hates the person I have become. While she was running my life I was developing my own secret personality, which has been oppressed for many years. This personality isn't what normal society would consider acceptable. And my mom refuses to accept this. I try to earn her approval by expressing myself in Art and Poetry but she shows little to no interest. I do the chores I am assigned and work hard in school but in honesty I don't enjoy these unnatural habitats and I shan't go another day pretending that I do. So I give up my mothers love or I give up ME. Modern society controls children's lives by forcing an education upon them that will consume their childhood. They enforce strict rules concerning fashion. Any form of verbal or none verbal expression of negativity is forbidden. From Pre-school through college we are judged and changed to fit in to society. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the fact that I am able to learn so much about the world but I wish it wasn't made mandatory. I follow the rules most of the time and when I don't no one knows. because I am one student who can go unseen or heard the entire year so my presence is as apparent as my absence. The only thing I ask of society is to have the right to express myself. to do thing as small as use a curse word in a creative writing story; to sit on the floor for a class period; to come home and be able to speak; to dye my hair green; to chose my science fair project! Why should the world go so terrible wrong if I or any other oppressed Teen were to be allowed to do this harmless things? seasick Dear seasick, I can understand how life seems so oppressive to you and to any teenager. Your mother seems to have all power and that may not be fair but one of the things that growing up is all about is that life isn't always fair. Some people are born into wealth, have great physical or mental gifts and have loving and understanding parents. Unfortunately, I have just described the Cosby kids. Everyone else I know has had to grow up in a less than perfect world. You too suffer this affliction. I don 't want to be patronizing or humor your feelings by just telling you that things will get better when you are older. They may, but they may not. There are no guarantees. I do think that you can keep your integrity and remain the YOU that you want to be. Yes, you may have to put on some acts of civility and you may have to abide by rules and ideas you think are stupid. Lucky for you and all of us that we become adults soon enough so that we can begin to make our own decisions about life. This will happen to you seasick, however adulthood does not guarantee an end to your oppression. You live in a world were you are expected to work, be productive, support yourself and take responsibility for your actions. Some people get free rides but most of us have to pay the fare and keep paying. Here's my advice to you seasick. Find ways to express yourself now that gets you into as little trouble as possible. You can always dye your hair green when you are older. It sounds to me like your mother may control a lot of things but she doesn't control your mind. That is free to dream big dreams and think great thoughts. No one can stop you from that seasick. In time, if you are as bold as you sound in your letters to me, you will act on those dreams and be the person you want to be. Keep that fire buring. happy(stillonfirebutabitcoolerthesedays)shrink
Date: August 20-21, 2005
Hello Happyshrink,
I’m
writing because I’m feeling more depressed than usual and think I need
to get help before things get out of hand. They certainly feel out of
MY hands now and I’m scared. I found your forum and liked your
caring yet professional answers and hope you can help me. I
will try to be concise but when explaining things I find that some
details might be important. I apologize in advance if this bores you to
death. I
was very happy growing up, especially in my relationship with my
grandfather who was so very loving, taught me so much about life and made
me feel special - he is my role model to the date because he started
with nothing and made himself from scratch without losing his integrity. When
I turned 10 I started putting on weight and becoming more and more
reluctant to go out with friends. Adolescence was even worse, I hated
school yet I was a straight A student. I became obese and very depressed
even hurt myself at times. Every day I would wake up with the firm purpose
to eat healthy, exercise and be normal but later during the day something
would upset the plan and I would eat compulsively. This was so
frustrating! I felt that I was a spoiled brat who had everything in life
and could not do anything good with it, letting it waste. Like
most teenagers (I was now 16) I wrote my feelings in a diary, until my
grandmother read it and told my mom about what it said- I was not mad at
the time but later felt enraged by this. My mom deceitfully took me to see
a psychiatrist (she told me he was a doctor who would help me lose
weight). When I got there my entire family was sitting in a circle. The
doctor asked them what the problem was and they all said it was me. Then
at the end of the meeting he said something like this: "The problem
is that your dad killed himself and nobody told you about it". This
came as a shock to me and I never wanted to go back to his office.
However, it must have been good to finally know the truth about my dad
because I later remembered reading a death certificate and seeing the gun
wrapped in a cloth in my mom's closet. I had probably known for quite a
while but didn’t want to admit it. We had never talked much about my
father before that and we didn’t talk much after that either. I don’t
dare ask about the details because this would be too painful for my mom
but I wish I knew. About
a year an a half later I finished high school and everything started to
change. I felt better, started going out and taking tennis lessons, made
some friends, lost weight and become pretty attractive. It took an
enormous amount of effort but it was well worth it. I was happy for
the first time in such a long time. I did great in college, was president
of the student’s center, fell in love for the first time and had great
fun with my friends. I
fell in love with a man who was quite older. I was so flattered that
he would even look at me. Maybe it was not so much the age but the
experience that made the difference: he was almost 30, had dated hundreds
of women and had no intentions of getting serious just yet. I was not yet
20, barely starting to live my life due to my fat adolescence, had no
experience with men whatsoever and desperately needed his love and
approval. The relation became complicated when he wanted to have sex and I
was not quite ready yet. He insisted every day, and I got very worried
that I would lose him if I didn’t accept. I was crazy about him so with
a little patience I would have come through. Sometimes he would masturbate
while touching me, I wish he would have cared about what that felt
like - at the time it was humiliating and lonely, like I ! didn’t exist
or matter, maybe now I understand him better. After a couple
of months, I guess he had enough of those games and forced me. It was
awfully painful and it messed up the entire relationship for good. On top
of that, my mom hated him and made my life a living hell- she is so
controlling. I was finally able to leave him but he became aggressive and
started following me everywhere I went. I had to resort to the police and
an attorney to finally end it. I
then met another guy who was very sweet and considerate, we dated for
about a year and a half and although we did have sexual contact, there was
never intercourse. It made me too nervous, I would start trembling and
crying when we tried. He was very patient and I’m thankful. We drifted
apart for other reasons. Two
and a half years ago I started working at a top-notch foreign company
and at the same time started dating a guy who is a bit older
than me (6 years). With this guy I was determined to do things
the right way and tell him the truth so the first time we tried to
have sex I told him about my bad experience and he was very understanding.
We made love and it was great. I thought it was all over and for a few
months we had a great sex life, a great relationship and I was very happy
again. He
then started getting headaches and being too tired for sex. When I asked
why we were not making love as often he became verbally aggressive and
said that what we did was disgusting, that I always picked the wrong
places and the wrong time and made him uncomfortable, and that
he preferred to go sleep or go out with friends. At first I thought he
might be right and stopped trying to initiate sex. He would occasionally
start it himself but always on a bed, always in the same position, very
quick and leaving me unsatisfied. I felt inadequate, I tried to get him to
talk about what he likes, about his fantasies but it only made him
uncomfortable. I tried to ask him to "wait" for me before he had
his orgasm or keep stimulating me afterwards so that I could enjoy it too
but he didn’t. After numerous failures to talk or do something about !
it, I felt awful, unattractive, rejected, humiliated. I asked him to get
help, we could both see a doctor or counselor but he just wouldn’t. He
says that nothing gets solved by talking, that there are so many things in
life that are more important than sex, etc, etc. I guess I turned to my
work in order to forget about these problems, I worked 12 hours a day in
front of a computer, and did so well that I earned more money than ever
before, created a whole new department within the company that made one
third of the overall profit. I turned to food for comfort and put on a lot
of weight after years of enjoying a healthy life. I’ve tried to leave
him, but he comes to me saying that we can work it out, that he loves me
and that if I love him I should accept him the way he is. We haven’t had
sex for 6 months or so and I think I’ve lost my desire too. Near
the end of last year, my grandfather died, he was the most important
person in my life and I didn’t even see him the last two weeks before he
died because I was so self absorbed, working, trying to fix my
relationship, trying to lose weight. I feel so guilty about this, so
selfish, and I miss him so much. By
the end of the year my boss and I were making big plans to open new
offices exclusively for my department because we had grown so much. The
estimated profit for this year was huge and we were planning on hiring
more people. Unexpectedly, on January 4th he told me that I was fired. The
reason: his local contact was afraid I would replace him and had given him
ultimatum "either she leaves or I leave with the rest of the
company". Just like that, everything I had worked for was gone. I
tried to be strong and I started working from home, building my own
company from scratch. I got things back on track and the business is
stable now but it was so much work that I practically didn’t get any
sleep for months. I got very depressed again and here I am now. I
think that I lost way too much valuable time working for the previous
company and begging for physical love when I should have spent it with my
grandfather, caring for him, making him happy like he made me happy when I
was a kid. I promised I would and I failed. I
feel that I have achieved a lot and should be grateful but I’m so
unhappy, so sad, so hopeless. I am back to the cycle of waking up
determined to get back in shape and lose my path along the day. I can’t
stop eating because it is the only pleasant thing in my life right now. It
makes me numb, it fills the void and stops the pain. I feel frustrated, I
feel stupid, ungrateful. I am ashamed of myself. I
have started wanting to hurt myself again and fantasizing about suicide.
I compulsively scratch my head until it bleeds and pinch my skin so much
that I have scars all over my face. When I think that my dad also had it
all (a family, a raising career, money, looks, health) when he killed
himself, I’m afraid I will end up just like him. I
try to be reasonable and think of a way to get things back to normal but I
get overwhelmed by this feeling of hopelessness, feel that there's nothing
good in store for me, a strong feeling of heartbreak and despair. It is
very shameful to admit that I cannot do it by myself, to admit that my
best resolutions last a week or two and then I fall back to my vicious
circle. Am I just weak and stupid? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Do I need to kick myself in the butt and learn to deal with the consequences of my own mistakes? Please help me see things clearly. Thanks.
LL
Dear LL,
What do you think your grandfather would say to you if he were alive today? Would he say you were weak and stupid, or would he say you were still very special and overcame many obstacles to accomplish all you have. I would bet he would be very proud of you. Your attraction to older men is understandable given your not having a father at home and your grandfather filling that void. Unfortunately, the older men that you got involved with each have had flaws that made you feel inadequate.
Happiness in life involves two basic components; work and love. Sometimes people who are lacking in love use work to fill up the voids. I don't think you were thoughtlessly ignoring your grandfather in his last few weeks of life. I think you were trying to fill voids in your life. It sounds like you are still doing that and not succeeding.
I don't have a formula for your personal happiness LL but I do think that you need to seek professional help to work out what you want in life and develop a plan to get it. You shouldn't have to settle. You need to find a love relationship that is compatible both sexually and emotionally. You need to have career goals that balance your love life and make you feel competent. You can have it all LL. But it takes work and right now, perhaps some professional help to develop some insight and get you moving in the right direction. Please feel free to respond to my comments and keep me informed about what you are doing. Good luck.
happy(lovingworkandworkingonlove)shrink
Hello happyshrink, I really don't know why I always have to be the one who gets hurt. Growing up I was abused mentally, physically & sexually. My parents were divorced and mom was a heroin addict when things were too much for her I got dumped on dad who didn't have a clue on showing affection. Then when dad's wife felt the need she would put me down anyway she seen fit then send me back to mom who would either slap me around just because or put in her own set of put me downs. Then there was grandmas husband who got his jollies from putting his hands where he felt like putting them on me touching me and making me watch him do things to himself then after he was finished came his put downs. And because I never felt I could express my feelings without getting it one way or another I kept everything inside. Now at 45 yrs old I still hold everything inside. My husband has been doing something strange at night when he falls asleep and! it bothers me for a lot of different reasons. It's as thought he is having sex in his sleep. I mean he starts with touching himself with I guess is normal theses days. Then he will start moving his pelvic area in a up & down motion then comes the moaning and smiles on his face, then if that's not enough his breathing accelerates and his face get distorted like he's about to orgasm but then he will jump as if to stop himself. And when I told him about his behavior he got offensive and accused me of making it up and lying. He knows how I am and how I grew up and yet instead of being there for me he hurts me more with his words and actions. And when I have had it and the stupidest thing sets me off then he says I am crazy. I ask myself everyday why God put me on this earth to have to have such a miserable life. What to you think? RD Dear RD, It sounds like you have had more than a lifetime of misery in your childhood alone. I am sure that you still carry scars from your childhood that impact on your life today. I can't explain your husband's behavior but I don't think that you are hallucinating. Something is going on there and it needs to be dealt with. Holding things inside just makes you feel more victimized. I would urge you to seek couples counseling to understand what is going on. If your husband isn't willing to go along with that plan, I would talk to a therapist yourself. There is nothing you can do to prevent yourself from being victimized but you can prevent yourself from being a victim. Get the help for your marriage that it needs and get the help that you need to have the life you want to have. It may hurt before it feels better but you need to stop holding things in and start letting things out. Get the help you need RD. Please feel free to write me again. Good luck. happy(lettingitallhangout)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I am 23 years old, and consider myself a good communicator, most of the time. However, recently, I'm having a great deal of trouble communicating with Red Sox fans. I simply cannot hold an intelligent conversation with one. Though I do my best to be affable, one look at an interlocking "NY" symbol on my clothing sends them into a spiraling tirade of prejudiced nonsense. Though I often just want to talk baseball, a Red Sox fan can only be found bragging about how "Manny hit the bawl wicked haad ova da mawnsta," and how "da Sawx rule, eat my chowda." It is in my nature to want to fight fire with fire, and give them a taste of their own medicine. But I know I am bigger than this. Please tell me how I can reach out to this often contentious and recently-egotistical group of people. Tang(Igot26reasonswhyyoushouldshutyourmouth)high
Dear Tang,
Reconciling the differences between Red Sox and Yankees are more difficult than resolving the conflicts in the Middle East. There are some striking similarities too. Let's remember that just like Abraham begat both Ishmael and Isaac, the Yankees and Red Sox both begat the Babe. OK, maybe the Babe was associated with being a Yankee more than a Red Sox, and Abraham favored Isaac over Ishmael, but they were both his sons.
So biblically speaking I say, He who is without a World Series ring should cast the first stone. Now that the Red Sox have a World Series ring, maybe they can stop casting stones and be more humble....on the other hand, maybe they are just a bunch of Wuss Asses!
happy(GOYANKEES)shrink
Date: August 6-7, 2005
Dear Happy Shrink, I have a girlfriend who just seems to be utterly rude and insensitive to my feelings. We have been friends for about a year. She constantly voices her annoyance because I like to dress up. I certainly think I dress appropriate for the occasion (ie: I'm not in a formal to go out to eat!), but I'm not a jeans type person. In addition, she constantly makes plans and then that day will call up and say "Do you still want to go out?" or complain that she doesn't want to go because it's raining (I live in Florida where it rains a lot). I was very ill with a viral infection, followed by bronchitis and laryngitis and she made comments like "You're lucky you don't have to get up at five thirty in the morning" and "Maybe you're just depressed because you don't have a boyfriend." and "I had strep throat and was better in three days!" I did respond that they don't usually give you a shot of cortisone and a week's worth of antibiotics for depression. Also, she tells everyone I only eat salad when I have repeatedly told her that's not true. I have always been thin (I weigh 101 and I'm five foot two. She recently joined Weight Watchers, although she was only about 12 or so pounds overweight. I have not said nasty or sarcastic things to this woman and feel these comments are unnecessary. I think the final blow was that for my birthday, which is one week before hers, we were suppose to have plans. She called me up earlier in the week and said "Do you still want to go out on your birthday or would you just like to come over on mine when my kids and friends are there and we'll celebrate?" I would like your advice. My initial reaction would be to cut her off. After all I've already mentioned I felt hurt how she treated me when I was ill and she said I was "too sensitive". Am I too sensitive or do you think I need to find better friends? Sincerely, G**** Dear G**** It sounds to me like you need to find a better friend. Perhaps she may have her side of the story which may be different from yours. At the very least it is clear that the two of you are not very compatible. She doesn't like the way you dress and she's insensitive to things that are important to you. That is enough for me to say, "this friendship is not for me." Perhaps there are people who she is more compatible with. I hope so. As far as your needs are concerned, find a friend who shares your interests, sensitivities and values. That doesn't mean that friends always agree or never have arguments. Healthy relationships have ups and downs as well as gives and takes. Just as in finances, the benefits need to outweigh the liabilities. If you don't think that is the case with your friend, cut your losses and reinvest in a more compatible friendship. Good luck and let me know how things work out. happy(managingfriendshipportfoliosforover30years)shrink
Happy Shrink I
know that it has been a while since I have written. I hope that you
are doing well. OK - here I go... T Dear T, While I do know your history from previous letters and I have some sense of your diagnosis, I am not in a position to judge why your psychiatrist chose to dismiss your suicidal thoughts that included a plan on how to accomplish it. I do know that you are doing two things that can exacerbate your depression. Not taking your anti-depression meds regularly can actually be worse than not taking them at all. Sporadic use of anti-depressants can trick your body into producing less Serotonin because it expects that your medication will prevent it's absorption. Keep in mind that the body produces Serotonin and Dopamine and medications serve to augment them. When you are taking these meds, the body will reduce it's output and that is why medication is adjusted from a lower dosage to a higher one when you begin an anti-depressant medication. By taking meds inconsistently, you may end up producing less Serotonin and/or Dopamine than your body would normally produce without any medication. If your problem is one of remembering to take your meds or forgetting if you did or didn't, I would suggest that you use a "medi-set" pill container. They are sold at all drug stores and are inexpensive. If you take your pills once a day, then you require a simple Sunday through Saturday medi-set. If you take pills twice or three times a day, they have medi-sets that have compartments for all those times as well. What is really good about them is that you fill them once a week and then you can always tell if you took the pills or not by looking in the corresponding compartment. I can't stress enough that you need to take your meds! The second thing that may be contributing to your depression is the amount of sleep you are getting. Sleeping too much may increase your depression. If you are tired, you may have a physical issue that is making you that way. I suggest you see your medical doctor for that. I strongly urge you to get into a consistent sleep pattern where you sleep about 8 hours each night during the same time periods, and cut out your naptimes during the day. Lastly T, if you really feel you are in danger of harming yourself, don't hesitate to call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room. A suicidal ideation with plans of taking pills will be taken seriously at most hospital emergency rooms and keep you safe from harming yourself. Please think about my suggestions and let me know if they help. happy(takingTveryseriously)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, My question is what does a therapist usually do with letters that you send to them Not e-mail but regular mail? Are they put in your file or thrown away? Thank you, JS Dear JS First I would like to say that I am sorry that your first email to me was deleted. Just like everyone on the Internet, I get tons of spam and have an anti-spam program that intercepts about 400 spam emails a day. Unfortunately, if some legitimate emails have advertisements attached to them, they too can be intercepted. While I do scan my intercepted email I do miss a few legitimate letters like yours. Thank you for emailing again and this time I got your email. As for your question, there is not real pattern to how psychotherapists deal with written correspondences. As a rule, I would keep any correspondence that would have clinical implications or have legal implications. A letter asking to change an appointment from Tuesday at 8pm to Thursday at 7pm would not be something worth keeping. While I tend to be conservative about keeping correspondences, some of my colleagues are not. Therapists working in a mental health clinic are required to write very specific treatment oriented notes as well as have treatment goals and objectives. Therapists in these settings are more likely to keep all correspondences and even make notations with regard to phone calls. Individuals in private practice have less demands on them with regard to record keeping (although most insurance companies required diagnoses and progress reports). Therapist in private practice are less likely to have extensive files of their patients and thusly would be less likely to keep correspondences. If you are concerned about a correspondence that you sent your therapist, my suggestion is that you talk to him/her about it. That's what I would do. If you have concerns about the correspondence, that good material for therapy. It deals with trust, intimacy, transference and counter-transference. If you need to know more about those two last words, you can always write me another letter. In any event, I hope I answered your question JS. Please feel free to write again using the email that worked! happy(Igotyouremail)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I went to JeWitch's house last Sunday... I stop by EVERY SUNDAY, thinking maybe she will go to church with me... JUST ONCE. Did she ever tell you about her parrot ?? He says everything ... So I walk up to his cage and he says ""Hey Edna, you are really ugly." DAMN HIM !!! About a half hour later, I go over to the cage again and he says, "Hey Edna, you are really ugly." Before I left for church, I went to the cage one last time to tell Bama good-bye and he said "You are really ugly." I told JeWitch if he says that to me again, I'll have Andy shoot him with his BB gun ... This morning I stopped by on my way to church and the parrot is going "Psst .... pssst .. "So I walked up to his cage and he said "Hey Edna." I said, " Yes?" And that DAMN PARROT SAID said, "You know." SO .. my question is .. CAN ANDY SHOOT HIM ??? Edna
........You know. happy(wannacracker)shrink
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