Postings from July 1-31, 2005

Hello HappyShrink,

 My girlfriend and I recently had a discussion about how she deals with life. Apparently, she has suicidal thoughts regularly, and gets though her days by waking up, and saying she chose not to take her life that day. She also proceeded to tell me that she has tried to commit suicide twice in her life time(she is 25). She tells me that she deals with her feelings by wanting to be everything for everyone. She is always super-accommodating to me and others, she often feels that if she is not needed, she feels little to no self worth.

A little family background, her Dad was very loving, but only around 6 months a year due to his job. Her mother raised her, but was quite cold-hearted, teaching her how to be manipulative, telling her she wasn't perfect enough, etc. All of this came to a head in one afternoon. She recently switched jobs, from being in charge of a lot of college girls, to being a 9 to 5er in a "regular" job. She suddenly isn't getting phone calls constantly, and is greatly bothered by her sudden lack of things to do during the day.

Anyway, long story short, I betrayed her trust by saying a guy thing while we were getting all of this out in the open (my ex g/f was bi-polar). I asked her why she didn't tell me about her problems before. She immediately said great, now my boyfriend thinks I have mental problems. I know, I put my foot in my mouth, and probably made her not want to tell me anything. I apologized, but in my heart I know all of the things she told me indicated some sort of mental illness/problem/disorder/whatever word. I am strictly worried for her wellbeing, and want only for her to feel good about life again. Is there anything I can do for this woman? I love her with all of my heart, I have never loved another as much. I'm just scared for her now, when I wasn't before. Any advice would be extremely appreciated.

Sincerely,

A concerned boyfriend

Dear concerned boyfriend,

You can start off by telling her what you told me; that you love her with all your heart and you have never loved another as much. Make it clear to her that you are concerned for her well being and as a significant person in her life you want to be part of her journey to becoming healthier. 

Many women who suffer from the symptoms you have described your girl friend as having are often worried about how sharing their most intimate secrets will scare people away. Your statement of "Why haven't you told me about your problems before?" could have been interpreted as, "Why didn't you warned me about your problems before we got so involved?" Perhaps there is a bit of that in your "guy" comment.

So my advice to you is to first look deep into your own heart and decide if you really want to go further with this relationship. If you do, then you need to tell her that and then you need to ask for her help in letting you know more about her condition and what you can do to be supportive. I would hope that your girlfriend is in therapy and if your participation will help, then offer to participate. Even just offering to drive her to and from her appointments may be all she needs to feel your love and support. Ask her to help you to give her what she needs. She has more answers than I do concerned boyfriend. All you need to do is ask.

happy(itneverhurtstoask)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

             

I have been seeing various therapist since the age of six. I suffer from depression, insomnia, paranoia, and extreme emotions. I suppress until it explodes. My dad called one night when I was six ending my parent’s marriage. My brother has always been my main father figure, and the only man I trust. When my mother remarried I silently shrieked in terror. My step-dad (Monty) seems to be a good man. Then again, most strangers seem good at first. Through their six-year marriage they had two major fights, which lead to Monty driving away for the night and mom rambling about divorce both of which disappeared within weeks without so much as an apology.

 

My main problem with Monty is my mistrust of him, along with the majority of males. Even after living in the same house as him, I avoid being in the same room as him or speaking to him. This has given me the title “stealth girl”. It is not that men scare me. I just feel awkward around them. Monty, however, does scare me.

 

My fear of him stems from a memory, which might or might not have been a dream. One night, when I was ten, my blood sugar went super-low (FYI- I have juvenile diabetes). I often have bad lows and become disoriented and cannot distinguish reality from dreams. During these lows, I have often hit and thrown thing at my mom and brother hurting them badly.  This particular night I could feel my body going shaky and the usual symptoms, so I dragged myself to Mom and Monty’s room. I heard yelling from inside so cautiously cracked open the door. This is the part I hope my mind was playing tricks on me. I saw Monty hitting my mom slapping her and pushing her. I thought he might kill her then me. I quickly shut the door and returned to my room to fall on the floor. By this time, I was unable to speak or think, but I needed attention before I went into a comma. I was too scared of my step-dad to try to yell or open their door. Instead, I tapped on the wall that was sided by my stepsister’s room. It didn’t work and I went in to a comma. When I came back the next morning Mom told me my stepsister had found me. Other than some bruises on her wrist (probably from me), she appeared unharmed.

 

Ever since that night, I have built up nightmares about Monty. Sometimes I go and listen by their door. I haven’t heard yelling since. Sometimes my mom jokes about him slapping her. She says it as if she is teasing not like it's true. I do not know what is true. If there is any way, please help. 

 

Grateful,

                                    

Seasick

Dear Seasick,

I can't tell you for sure what kind of guy Monty is, nor can I tell you what kind of marriage he and your mother have. It's pretty normal for husbands and wives to fight and it's not always possible to conceal those fights from children, especially if there is yelling or someone leaves the house in anger. I can understand your mistrust of Monty even if your recollection is faulty. He came into your life because your mom married him. You didn't have any say in the matter even though it has affected your life so much. It's unfair but then, life is sometimes unfair.

It's not easy becoming part of a reconstituted family Seasick. I can tell you this as the parent of a 14 year old step-daughter and a 16 year old step-son. It's always a struggle to know how hard you should try to show your love as well as not make your step children feel you are trying too hard. It's impossible not to make mistakes. I have worked  hard on being a good parent and I succeed most of the time. Sometimes I make mistakes but it's never out of malice.

As far as seeking the truth about what you thought you saw, the best thing to do is speak to your mom. Tell her what you think you saw and see how she reacts. I can't guarantee you will get the truth, but her reaction will tell you something. Another option is trying to work things out in family therapy. If you are already seeing a therapist, it might be a good idea to have some sessions with your mom and your step-father. Perhaps this would give you the opportunity to get to know Monty better in a safe environment. I don't know your exact age but it sounds to me like you will be at home for at least a few more years. Don't spend that time in fear or uncertainty. Work out your differences so you can feel better. Let me know what you think Seasick. Good luck.

happy(andsometimesalittledizzyfromparenting)shrink