Postings from May 1-31, 2005

Date: May 21-22, 2005    

Hey, just stopping by to let you know how cool I think your website is. It's nice to meet someone who can effectively answer questions concerning mental health with both seriousness and humor.

Okay, here's my question: how does one know if one should voluntarily seek help? The dilemma started when I was 12 years old, when I became depressed. It wasn't diagnosed until I was about 14, when I had a major mental breakdown, and had to be taken to the emergency room. There, they decided a) My hyper-active episode wasn't the result of drugs, and b) I needed to see a therapist. I eventually set up a regular schedule where I would visit a nearby psychotherapist twice a week. This lasted for about two months, with in-between intervals where I also visited a psychologist and a psychiatrist. My therapist said I had clinical depression and/or seasonal affective disorder (as I did become noticeably more depressed during the winter months). The psychologist that I visited one time said I probably had some type of anxiety disorder (my mom says I worried too much and I had the habit of biting my thumb--sometimes to the point of bleeding, ever since I was 5). Then the psychiatrist my therapist referred me to immediately labeled me as depressive, and in the first visit, suggested putting me on Prozac. This, along with her rather cold approach of questioning me (she asked me embarrassing questions in front of my dad...and I rocked back in forth like an autistic child to ease the anguish), caused me to swear to never seek help for treatment again.

It's been a couple of years, and so far I am still doing okay without any therapy or drugs, but sometimes I am worried that I just left behind a problem that was never truly solved. I've suffered from 2 panic attacks in the past 4 months due to confrontations with my mother, I occasionally self-mutilate to relieve stress (never deeply), and I find that sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts (when I was 12 and really depressed, I would think about suicide everyday for hours), though I will never carry them out. I tend to be repressive with my emotions, especially if I view them as negative, so they either build up inside of me, or I attempt to alleviate them through constructive means. I also am aware that sometimes I tend to be a pessimist, and may have feelings of low self-worth, and all that psychobabble concerning self-image.

It's scary how much I know about psychology (the subject intrigues me; the psychiatrists repel me), but how lost I feel about what to do. The thing is, I know that if my parents ever found out, or if I was ever re-committed to an outpatient therapy, my education, as well as my overall life would be ruined, however temporarily. To put it in less polished terms (as my internal voice always berates me): "now is not the time to f*ck up." I used to have a manic-depressive friend when went through the worst years of his life during junior year of high school, and it ruined his grades, and now he has to go to a community college. There is pressure (not extreme pressure, but pressure nonetheless) for me to enter a good college, and not mess up these crucial years in high school. I want to be a productive student and live a productive life, which, in my opinion, means no anti-depressants or any type of medication unless there is absolutely no other choice.

Part of my fear is that there will be extreme side-effects in medication (I am very sensitive to whatever medicines I take in--even Claritin non-drowsy makes me drowsy). Am I going to become a vegetable, or explode into a manic episode, or even worse, kill myself in the throes of a drug-induced psychosis? Is there any alternatives, such as holistic medicines, or natural therapies, that can be utilized instead of paying a ridiculous amount of money to have old ladies talk to you, trying to convince you that the answer to your problems lie in a little pill? I try to eat healthy, exercise, journal, and draw to regulate my moods and control my stress, but sometimes I just feel the lack of motivation to do anything but waste my time.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long e-mail...hope this wasn't too trivial or annoying to you. I know that I may never be probably diagnosed--I could be manic-depressive, just plain depressed, obsessive-compulsive, borderline, passive-aggressive, anxious, a million things according to all those specialists out there--but I don't want to be labeled; I just want to find a way to start healing and understanding the root of the problem and searching for effective solutions that last for the rest of my life. Even if you don't reply, I guess it's just nice to kind of organize my thoughts and feelings on the past years. Thanks again.

--PushingOnNoMatterHowItLooks

Dear PushingOnNoMatterHowItLooks,

It looks to me like you have been doing a great job keeping your sanity and pushing on. It may be difficult at times but you have managed to survive and do it your way. I think it took a lot of courage challenging the notion that you needed to be on medication and this may have been a motivating factor for your pushing on and finding ways to overcome your depression.

It is also understandable that  your parents did what most parents would do if they had a 14 year old who was having a 'breakdown." They tried to get you professional help. Given that you were a minor and just 14, they would be more involved in what was going on clinically than if you were an adult. Often, that can be a problem, especially if some of the issues you are struggling with involve your parents. 

A therapist who would ask you embarrassing questions in front of your father and not pick up on your discomfort did both you and your father a disservice. Parents need to know if you are a danger to yourself or to others. Legally they need to know about any behaviors that have serious consequences, but a good therapist would preserve confidentiality and ask you private questions once there was a connection made between the two of you. That was clearly not the case. 

I have a couple of thoughts about your situation I would like to share with you. Firstly, the things you describe about yourself are very typical of many adolescents with or without a diagnosis of clinical depression. This is a difficult time in your life with a lot of pressure for you to succeed. Some of that pressure comes from your parents, but I would bet that a lot of it comes from you own desire for success. 

This is a time in your life where you define who and what you are. I appreciate the fact that you don't want medication or a diagnosis to define you. I can also understand the why you would be mistrustful of psychotherapy since your first encounter with it was not very productive. However, there is unfinished business that you do need to face and getting some help doing it is not a bad idea. Seeing a counselor or psychotherapist is not something that should jeopardize your getting into a good college or label you as defective. All it means is that you need help and getting it from the right person is critical. Your parents may need to be involved because there are financial matters to consider when you seek counseling, however at this point in your life, you are old enough to be part of the process of choosing the right therapist. 

I would strongly suggest you discuss the prospects of seeing someone with your family, but also insist that you be the one to seek out and find the right therapist. I would hope that your parents would agree to this within the parameters that the therapist is covered in part by your medical insurance. They should also respect your privacy so long as your condition is stable and you are not harmful to yourself or others. 

As far as medication is concerned, I would try to avoid it if possible, but if your depression and\or anxiety does increase to the point where you are doing poorly in school and in other areas of your life, you may have to consider that as well. Right now though, I would just try to find a good person to talk to. Let me know what you think.

happy(togiveyoualittlepush)shrink 

Dear Happy Shrink,

My boyfriend and I of almost five years broke up two weeks ago.  I couldn't take all of his drinking and abusiveness.  I moved in with my parents and he is still staying at our apartment.  My ex kept calling me and trying to get back together for about the first four days we were apart. He threatened suicide and everything else, but I remained strong with my decision.  It's not that I didn't want him back, I do, I just want him to get the proper help that he needs before I jump back into things. Then my ex told me he had a new girlfriend, which he became friends with after we broke up.  That really hurt my feelings that he could just replace me like that so fast. So she's been staying with him at our apartment and they've been together for about a week and a half.

Even though he's with her, he's still been calling me when she's not around.  Our conversations consist of him trying to make me jealous about her and me purposely trying to act like I don't care.  After he's done telling me how much prettier and smarter she is than me, he told me that he's in love with her and that they're going to get married.  I still try to act like I don't care but once I get off the phone, I ball my eyes out.  He continues to call me when she's not around and then he'll tell me how she's just a rebound and that he still loves and misses me.  I just don't understand what is going through his mind.  

A number of times he's told me that he misses me and wants to be with me, and then when I don't beg for him to take me back, he says he's over me.  This past weekend I Told him finally that I still loved him and wanted to work things out maybe.  We ended the conversation with him saying he didn't know what to do or who he wanted.  Later on that night when I got home from going out with my friends, I found out that he called about five times.  I returned his call and of course he was drunk.  He told me that he called so that we could go out to a movie and dinner and try to work things out.  

Then he told me that I blew it, since I wasn't home and that he was going to meet up with his girlfriend now.  We hung up and I didn't hear from him until two days later.  He said he just called about bills, but of course the conversation got heated again.  He told me that he still loves me but he really cares about her and how much she helped him when I left him. He told me that he didn't know what he wanted and that I loss my chance from the other day. Finally the conversation got so heated that he hung up on me and called me back just to say that he was going to leave her for me , he just didn't want to give me a big head.  I was so mad and hurt from everything that he said that I called back and left a message saying that I'm tired of all the mind games and that maybe he should tell his new girlfriend everything that he's been saying to me about her just being a rebound and how he was going to leave her for me.  I knew that she was going to hear the message because it is her cell phone that he's been calling me from.  I just wanted all of the games he was playing to stop and for him to maybe have to make a decision.  

Well she did hear the message and she supposedly left him. That's the message that he left on my machine and that I ruined his life and to never call him again.  Meanwhile he's been the one calling me first.  Well today is the day after this whole big mess and he hasn't called me at all yet. I don't know for sure but I have a feeling that he talked to her and she went back to him. I think the girl is pretty dumb if she did.  I didn't lie about anything that I said, I don't know why she would fall for him.  

Well that is my tangled web of love, and I desperately need some advice.  I know I'm dumb for even trying to be with him, but I really do love him and all I want him to do is get some help so we can get on with our lives.  What should I do?  Why is he playing these games with me?  Does he still love me? Why is he trying to constantly hurt me and make me jealous? Is she just a rebound?  Would it be stupid and foolish of me to write him a letter or meet him in person (alone) to tell him everything I feel, since whenever we're on the phone together it seems like we're always trying to hurt the other and protect our self?  All I wanted was to be apart for a little while so he could get his act together, but it seems to have slapped me in the face now that he has someone new.  Please help!

Thanks,
Daisy

P.S. One thing that I forgot to say was that about two years into our relationship, I broke up with him, and he immediately replaced me.  He did the same mind games going back and forth between me and another girl.  Finally I broke down and reluctantly begged him to come back and for him to finally choose.  He chose me and we continued our relationship from where it left off.  I don't know if this means anything but it's ironic how history repeats itself. 

Dear Daisy,

When are you going to wise up? This guy is really bad news. He is an alcoholic who will do what he needs to do to find an enabler whether it's you or any other woman vulnerable and naive enough to believe that he loves anyone other than himself. It is not a surprise at all that he found another girl friend now or a couple of years ago. It won't be a surprise that he will find another one when this new girl friend leaves. Guys like these are great at finding vulnerable women who are needy and naive enough to believe that he is going to change his ways. He won't as long as he can find someone out there to put up with his abuse and manipulation. Unfortunately the world is filled with women who will. Why do you even continue to engage him on the phone? It's clear to you that it is all manipulation but you still fall for it Daisy. 

My advice to you is that you don't accept any more phone calls from your ex and stop all communication for you own mental health and well being. Get on with your life. If you don't feel you are ready to start dating and having a social life, then maybe you need to seek some counseling. I know you think that you love this guy, but there is a difference between love and neediness. Loving someone who can only love himself is neediness Daisy. You deserve better than that. There are guys out there who are capable of loving and caring for you but you may need some help believing you are worthy of such men. Get whatever help you need. Don't  become a Daisy that gets all her petals picked before her time. Please feel free to respond.

happy(thankfulhe'snotpushingupdaisies)shrink
 

Here is some humor from your friend and mine, JeWitch:

• Sag, you're It.
• Hide and go pee.
• 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
• Kick the bucket
• Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
• Musical recliners.
• Simon says something incoherent.
• Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

• You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
• You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
• You change your underwear after a sneeze.

• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
• Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Have a great  2 weeks! Going away for Memorial Day Weekend.

Date: May 14-15, 2005    

Dear Happy Shrink,

I have an older sister who is a compulsive liar. Both of us are middle-aged but my sister has held a grudge against me since I was born. She is convinced that she was neglected by my parents because of the attention my parents spent on me and my twin. The lying sister is the middle child since we all have an older sister. I always thought her problems lay with being the middle child. Something has gone very wrong. 

About 30 years ago, she married a man and moved to Texas where she immediately sported a Texas drawl. Most of the family (Except my sister and me) thought it was adorable. She has to be the center of attention at all times. If her cuteness doesn't get her the attention, she comes up with exaggerated stories usually with her being a martyr. She is now older and is loosing her "cute-appeal". She now is telling the family that she's being abused by the husband. My family listens to her but shrugs it off. I'm worried there is abuse. Could all this lying be a cover-up? 

Honestly, I've disliked her for many years. She has hurt my reputation. She is extremely jealous of my family and my children. She makes up stuff. With my family, she lives closer to all of them. I live so far away from everyone that I have a hard time doing damage-control. One of the lies I did catch was about my dead grandfather. She convinced my twin that he had molested all of us girls. My twin had a severe depression problem and was talking suicide. I told my parents and stopped this business. The lying sister now has pictures of my grandfather everywhere. She goes to his grave with all the family watching and mourns and kisses his grave. Suddenly, I am the "bad one" in everyone's eyes. My mother made me promise that the relatives would never hear about my lying sister's accusations. They haven't. But, now, my relationship with everyone has been shaken. 

I don't know what's going on. I am the last to get news. People don't call me on holidays any more. I am so hurt. I defended an innocent man and the liar is the martyr. Is this something that happens a lot? My family does realize my sister has a problem with lying. They tell me that if she believes it, then it's true in her mind. I pray for her but, does her lying have to include damaging other people's relationships? Damaging other people's reputations? I'm hurt that my family would allow her to damage my relationships. Am I the whistle-blower that everyone resents? Should I be doing something proactive for my sister even though I resent her so much?

I would never want her to hurt. I would never want her to feel alone. If I wouldn't have been proactive about my grandfather though, our family would have been shaken to its very core. As a sane sister, is there something I should be doing for this liar? What if there is no abuse and she ruins her 30 year marriage? Where do you draw the line with lying? Do you think she really perceives all these lies as true? If so, her world must be pretty terrible.

Thanks,

The Whistle Blower

Dear Whistle Blower,

Maybe it's time to retire your whistle. The thing that I have found about most liars is that they usually cook their own gooses. Perhaps your sister has gotten away with a lot of false accusations and has caused turmoil in the family. She has also had from your description, a very sad and unfulfilling life. This is not surprising for compulsive liars. 

Just like the letter I answered before yours, you have to first face the reality that you are not going to change your sister. She is who she is and only she can decide that she wants to change. It's unlikely that this will happen, but you can't really do anything about her lying or her situation with her husband. If in fact your sister is being abused by her husband she has options wherever she lives. Only she can decide to exercise them. 

As far as her demeaning your reputation with the family; don't blame your sister. If your family is in such denial over her lies and her manipulation, then shame on them. It may not feel good to be the outcast, but if your family is as dysfunctional as you are describing, perhaps it's better that you hear from them less often. 

At this point in your own life, you need to think about your immediate family and their needs. The jealousy and resentments of others are things you can't control. You can only control your reaction to them. I would suggest you let others in your family worry about all the dysfunctional goings on. You can be above it if you choose to. Let me know what you think.

happy(risingaboveit)shrink

Dear Gind,

I see that the kiddy is rooting for the right teams! Maybe they can get the kitty a New Jersey shirt too!

happy(GoYankeesMetsJetsGiantsRangersIslandersDevilsKnicksNets)shrink

Date: May 8, 2005    

No postings this week: Happyshrink is attending his son Tanghigh's college graduation. He'll be back next week

Happy Mother's Day to all my favorite moms. You know who you are.