Postings from March 1-31, 2005

Date: Mar 26-27, 2005  

j responds: (see March 12-13, 2005)

hi again happyshrink,

2 weeks ago I wrote you about my therapist blushing and canceling appointments. she finally called and left a 2 minute message while I was out. She said she was calling my phone the day before and it was busy. She said she tried for awhile. She said to leave a message with the secretary at her office, or to leave on message on "my voicemail".

Then she went on to explain why she wasn't there for 2 weeks. She was ill, the first one, then the second was the snow (which wasn't bad that day)

Our sessions are on Tuesdays. I went last week, and all we spoke about was my family issues. I never brought up any of the feelings. It was an emotional session, and there was none of that. It seemed distant. it was snowing really hard outside, and I said the roads were slippery. She stopped our session to go call her mother and tell her to go home, because the roads were bad. then she called clients up to cancel while I was sitting there.

Do you think I should still bring up the feelings, or should I just keep talking about my issues.

thanks,

j  

Dear j,

The feelings you are having are your issue. If these feelings are not worked through, they can impact on the depth and effectiveness of your treatment. You are sharing the most intimate feelings with your therapist. Being able to share your feelings about her is not unusual or unreasonable. It happens more often than you think. If you have concerns that she is feeling uncomfortable too, then it is worthy of talking about. 

I should warn you though that there are risks involved. I don't know your therapist and I don't know how well she is able to handle issues of transference and counter-transference. More than anything else, handling this issue effectively is the hallmark of a skilled therapist. If your therapist is uncomfortable with this issue and becomes distant as a result of it, you could find yourself looking for a new therapist. 

I can't tell you the outcome of this scenario, but I can tell  you that withholding such intense feelings from your therapist will be an obstacle in your treatment. Ultimately though, the choice is yours. Let me know what it is and how it works out.

happy(canonlygiveoptions)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

My son is 33 years old and has had mental problems since he was given a high dosage of steroids for a allergic reaction to something. He already had a learning disability but now since age 16 has delusions that people are making nasty faces at him and he wants revenge by giving them an obscene gesture while he is driving...he even sees these faces when it is too dark to see anything I can not convince him that it is his mind telling him that. He has taken all kinds of medications and nothing seems to help he suffers a lot and has panic two to three times a day. Any suggestions?

G

Dear G,

I'm wondering if your son has ever received a complete psychiatric evaluation. I'm not talking about testing for learning disabilities but a full work up on his paranoid thoughts, panic issues and anger. Something is going on with him G. I can't give you a diagnosis but my suggestion is to have him be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Let the psychiatrist know all the different medications he has been given that didn't work. Let him also know as much detail about your son's life since the onset of his problems. Let me know what the psychiatrist comes up with.

happy(foragoodevaluation)shrink

 

 

DEAR HAPPYSHRINK, 

OUR DIVORCE IS NOW FINAL!   AS PER MY COPY OF THE COURT ORDER, WHICH SAYS THAT EDNA WAS AWARDED THE DOUBLE WIDE MOBILE HOME AND THE PICKUP TRUCK, PLEASE NOTE THAT I PROMPTLY DELIVERED THE TRUCK ON OR ABOUT  2 P.M.  YESTERDAY!

BUBBA

Dear Bubba,

You could have at the very least had the car washed and simonized before you returned it.

happy(andfarfaraway)shrink

 

Date: Mar 19-20, 2005  

Dear Happyshrink,

 

My father is 73 years old and in a good health. Just today and suddenly he has had problem to recognize some places that he is familiar with. For example, he went walking to a grocery store as usual but he did not realize the street and other stores, so he could not come back until asking people about the location of his home. Another example is that he is sometime cannot know where the stairs or other rooms are. Any consultation or suggestion please.

 

A

 

Dear A,

 

I would urge your father to see his family physician and ask for a referral to a neurologist. What you are describing can be early signs of Alzheimer's disease, dementia or an organic brain dysfunction. It can also be dozens of other conditions that are much less severe. Even if it is something like Alzheimer's disease or dementia, there are some medications available that can significantly slow down the degenerative process. The important thing is to act quickly and get whatever is wrong with your father treated properly. Let me know what you find out. Good luck.

 

happy(andtreatedproperly)shrink

 

Methos responds (see Feb 5-6, 2005):

Happy,

Thank you for your reply to the email about my therapist, I have thought about what you said and have been trying to heal from what has happened since.  After I emailed you, I had an appointment to meet with him and my new therapist to talk about closure and healing for his inability to be a strong therapist at this time. He never showed up.  no call, no nothing.  I of course did my usual start to lose it routine and called his office to ask why, with no response.  About four days later he had still not called, however this time his answering service said he was out of town.  I went through a few more days of confusion and finally my new therapist and my husband left messages on his service saying He really needed to contact me to at least say he was alright and give some reason as to why he never showed up. He finally did call, letting me know he had broken down emotionally and was in-patient in another state.  OK, I understand that.  He said I could call him if I needed to, and I did a couple of times, just asking how he was and giving support.  He never called me again and oddly, never called to let me know he was back in town.  One day I just drove past his office and his car was there, I felt angry and so I went upstairs and knocked on his door.  Their he was, and I asked him why he had not called to let me know he was back.  his explanation was that he had just gotten back, so he said he would talk to me the following day.

I did meet with him, but I brought my husband and a friend as witnesses.  I found out that he had actually been back a week, and as he sat their visibly shaking, he said little else. I had written down questions asking why he had not called, why he had missed appointments, did he know how much emotional damage he was doing, did he understand that he had become a perp.  Basically he just sat and looked at me and played with his shoe string.  After this lack of feedback, I asked to speak with him in private.  I told him he should stop seeing individual clients, and that he was doing more harm than good. He said ok, as he repeatedly tapped himself on the forehead.  Then he asked me, if it would be ok if we met for coffee sometime.

Malpractice attorneys tell me I have nothing unless sex was involved, even though under malpractice they list emotional abuse.  So what now?  My husband and I agree that he is more than likely going right back into seeing individuals, and he is not stable. I am afraid I am going to read about one of his clients committing suicide because of his actions.  By the way, the attorney's tell me that's not my problem.

I want to help, but no one is listening.  it seems as though he will walk away to damage another day, because no attorney wants to touch it unless they are going to get big bucks. I hate this system, and I really hate THERAPY, and I don't trust and I think I wasted all of those years trying to reach out like they told me only to be squashed.

I choose not to return to therapy, I find it empty.  My moods and emotions are all over the place, however I am going to take my chances on my own. Is this what it comes down to?  Is this what becomes of eight plus years of work?

I'm just sick inside.

Methos(hangingmyheadlowandnotknowingwhattofeel)  

 

Dear Methos,

 

The eight years of work was real and 99% of the credit for that work goes to you. Yes, there was a time that this man was a facilitator and not a perpetrator, but those days are past. I understand your frustration with him, but as someone entering the helping profession, you should know that the vast majority of mental health professionals are individuals who don't misuse their position and don't abuse patients.

 

There is something you can do about his practice. I don't know if it will stop him but it will certain make sure that people will be watching. I don't know who the licensing body is in your state but you can contact them and file a complaint of inappropriate behavior. The should investigate this allegation. There might not be enough to revoke his license but you never know. Even if they don't investigate as thoroughly as they should or they don't  find enough evidence to revoke his license (his rights are also protected including the confidentiality of his hospitalization), the charge will remain as part of his record and any future complaints will be looked at with great detail. 

 

I know you are looking for closure and perhaps the best way is not through taking to your therapist, but though filing a complaint with the state licensing department. At least then you will know that you did the proper thing to try and prevent his abuse of other patients. 

 

Lastly Methos, I would urge you to continue in treatment, now perhaps more than ever. You world has been shaken by an unlikely source and you need to internalize that it is not the mental health profession that is to blame. It certainly isn't without its problems and I make no excuses for cover-ups and lack of enforcement. But I do think that many therapists have helped many people live happier and less tortured lives. Don't let the bad part of your 8 years negate all the good stuff. There's been a lot of good stuff and there's more to come if you let it. Let me know what you think.

 

happy(tryingtobepartofthegoodstuff)shrink

 

 

Dear Happy,

 

The Circle K has it's own home shopping network and the newest and most popular item is the new "paperless" toilet bowl. I ordered two for my family but they're going fast do you want me to order one for you?

 

 

Love,

 

Edna

 

Dear Edna,

 

How much did you say one of them paperless toilets cost?

 

happy(forreasearchpurposesonly)shrink

 

Date: Mar 12-13, 2005  

Hi happyshrink,

I've been in therapy for a year and a half, and had the same therapist 7 years ago for 2 and a half years. it's a total of 4 years and of course I feel close to her. I'm a 49 year old lesbian, and she's 38 and married with 2  toddlers. I told her a couple of months ago I had feelings for her starting last summer, and I know this happens in this setting. My question is, when I mentioned my feelings 6 months ago, all she said is it's normal to get feelings after so many years, but about a month ago I told her I had a dream about her, not that kind, btw, and she immediately blushed. then 2 weeks ago, I wasn't saying anything at all about my feelings, all I was doing was looking in her eyes and talking about general topics, and she blushed again.

Last week she cancelled (which she never does), and yesterday, too. My question, is do you think she's canceling because there's some underlying feelings and she needs to pull away? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

thanks, 

j

Dear j,

All patients have feelings about their therapists and all therapists have feelings about their patients. Much of what is learned as a therapist are those two concepts (transference and counter-transference). These feelings can either be great opportunities for growth and learning, or they can be roadblocks that inhibit growth and learning. I guess that right now it appears to you as a roadblock.

I can't tell you what is going on in your therapist's mind just as I can't really interpret your feelings. What I can suggest is that the next time you see your therapist (she can't cancel appointments forever) is to raise these issues and be persistent in exploring them. If your therapist is resistant to working with your feelings as to what is going on, it may be time to see a new therapist. Hopefully though, your therapist will facilitate a meaningful discussion that will be valuable to the therapeutic process.

Please let me know how your next session goes. I hope it helps you to understand what is going on with your therapist as well as with you. Good luck.

happy(whenyouassumeyoumakeanassofmeandu)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Someone suggested that I have A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

Because this is how my day usually begins and ends:

Yesterday I planned to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at the bus and thought "gotta wash my bus." So I head towards the garage when I noticed that there was some mail on the porch table that I took out of the mail box earlier.

I decided to go through the mail before I washed the bus. I laid my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash basket under the table, and noticed that it was full. So, I put the bills back on the table so I could take out the garbage first.

But then I thought, "since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay a few bills first." I got my check book from the table and notice there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the computer room, I go to my desk where I find a can of Coke that I had been drinking.  I'm going to look for my checks, I better push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I feel the Coke is getting warm, better put it in the refrigerator.  As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I will put them back on my desk, after I water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and when I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. Tonight when I want to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I better put it back on the coffee table where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the vase but my aim is off and most of it ended up on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. As I headed down the hall I am trying to remember what  it was that I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really confused because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I need to askhappyshrink what to do about it, but first I gotta check my e-mail.

Have I already told you about this ???? I really can't remember ...

JeWitch

PS ... As bad as I may sound, the person below sounds MUCH MUCH WORSE !!!

Dear JeWitch,

I have a very good suggestion how you and people like you can organize your time better and get things accomplished rather than go from task to task and never get things done.

The first thing you should do every morning is to write up a list of things that you need to do. I would use a piece of lined paper because I have found when I use unlined paper I tend to write on a slant and instead of being able to put about 25 items on my list I can only fit about 17 or 18 and then I have to find another piece of paper to complete my list......OK now that you have your lined paper which should be 8½ x 11 size because even though legal paper is longer and you may be able to get more tasks on it, you may find that if  you don't complete your list, you will have to store your list in a folder which is not long enough to accommodate legal size paper. Of course if you have legal size folders, then you can use legal size paper although I don't particularly like to purchase legal size paper because it costs about $8.00 a ream where letter size paper costs $3.00 per ream. Even though legal size paper is more paper, it is only about 27% more paper and the cost of it is about 2.66 times as much. Clearly you can see that this is not an economical consideration. Of course if you work in a legal office and get your paper for free, then you might want to use legal paper, except for the fact that legal paper in legal offices is yellow and that can be a distraction to someone like yourself. I don't have a problem staying on one task so I could use yellow paper but I have issues with yellow stemming back to my childhood because I was a bed wetter. This isn't easy for me to talk about so I will change the subject if you don't mind.

What were we talking about again?... Oh yeah, how you can be more efficient with your time by making a list.  Let's talk about the writing implement you should use. I recommend a pencil rather than a pen. If you make a mistake you can erase it rather than cross it out. It may seem like a small think but if you are able to write everything without crossing out, you will have a more organized and efficient list. Of course it is preferred to use an #2 pencil because it is sufficiently dark enough to read effectively yet it will not break that often causing you to go to the pencil sharpener and sharpen the pencil. If you do have to sharpen the pencil please make sure you have emptied the sharpener after you finish using it so that the pencil shavings don't collect around the blades and reduce the efficiency of the sharpening process. When I was a little boy I didn't empty my pencil sharpener and I ended up with poorly sharpened pencils which made my teachers upset with my neatness and they humiliated me by showing my sloppy work to the entire class. I think I may have wet the bed that night but I would rather not talk about this if you don't mind....

Gee...where did all the time go? I have an appointment so I won't be able to finish explaining to you how you can work more efficiently like me. I guess you'll just have to struggle with it yourself. I have to get another cup of coffee now because my first cup is now cold and I will probably have to make a new pot because I hate old coffee. Did I ever tell you that I grind my own beans? It's much fresher doing it that way...OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WindNWillows just smacked me on the back of my head. Gotta go.

happy(sharpasatackthathasn'tbeenusedonahardsurfacesothepoint hasn'tbeenmadedullorslightlybentastheysometimesdo)shrink

 

Date: Mar 5-6, 2005  

Dear HappyShrink,

I realize this is not really a serious question like many on your website, it is more like "Dear Abby". But, if you don't have any more pressing to answer, I would be interested in your advice.

I have recently moved to a new city and moved in with a male roommate who I knew from college. He has a girlfriend in another city, and I never had any intentions of being anything except friendly. However, over the past few months, it seems like we have just been drawn together. We get along very well, and we have started hanging out together as much as we can, and we have fun no matter what we are doing. Even though at this point in my life I don't really feel ready for a boyfriend, and I knew that he was not single, I didn't really do anything to fight the hold of our attraction to each other. I also didn't overtly do anything to encourage it.

It used to be that we would just flirt or hold hands after a night out drinking, but when we were sober, we acted normal. Now, things have progressed to the point that even when we're sober, we'll cuddle on the couch. 

This is great in and of itself. If we could just cuddle on the couch whenever we were bored and not have to worry about anything else, this would be fine. However, he has now confessed his crush on me, and it seems like he wants to get serious. I really do like him, but I can also tell that because of our personality types, things will not work out in the end. I am also not crazy in love with him, but I just really like him as a person and am attracted to him somewhat. Basically, things are not so overwhelming that I want to jeopardize our domestic harmony and his relationship with his current girlfriend. I feel like it's his responsibility to stay faithful to her. Everything we've done has been initiated by him, and nothing we've done has been that bad. But, he has really not been true to her like he should. Despite all this, I am really drawn to him even though I do not want a relationship.

So, what should I say to him? Should I date him when he becomes single? Maybe I am wrong and we will work out. Maybe he is the one for me. I really do like him. I don't want to hurt him if we don't date though, because he is such a nice person, and because we have to live together. Most importantly, how are either of us going to deal with his current girlfriend when she comes to visit? I really just want to go away for that period of time and not ever see her. Good idea? Or not?

Thanks for your input, Happyshrink!   

D

Dear D,

There are a number of decisions that need to be made here. Your first decision is to decide if you are really interested in a relationship with this man. If you are and he is responsive to that idea, he needs to break up with his girlfriend. There can't be any indecisiveness about this and he has to do it a soon as possible. If he's not interested, then I think you need to find a new roommate. Your current relationship is unhealthy for the both of you and it must change one way or the other. At this point there is no plutonic relationship possible and perhaps there never was. Losing him as a friend is a much smaller loss than what you would lose if you were to continue as the "other woman."

If you decide that you are not ready for a relationship or that he's not compatible (that was your sensibility talking and that is seldom wrong), then here again you must find a new roommate so that he can move on too. Perhaps he and his girlfriend are not destined to be together either. His interest in you may be an indication of that, but he needs to work that out for himself without you as a distraction. You need to move on as well and find the right relationship at the right time. 

So what might be the lesson in all of this? Perhaps your next roommate should be a woman or if you can swing it financially, get your own place. The fact that your roommate initiated the cuddling doesn't mean you don't have any responsibility here. You need to be able to make the right choices even when there is some short term gratification involved.

In your heart, you know what is right. Do the right thing D.

happy(hasn'talwaysdonetherightthingbuttriesto)shrink 

 

Dear Happyshrink,

To the surprise of none of the family, my 81 year old mother was finally diagnosed and hospitalized for bipolar disorder. Now I fear she is lost within a corrupt world of shrinks and dangerous meds. What can we do? I have her on fish oil caps and thyroid meds. They have her on questionable anti-psychotics and antidepressants. I am profoundly grieved and profoundly depressed.

P****

Dear P,

It is unfortunate that your mom had not received treatment earlier in her life. The only real treatment options now is medication. As far as that "corrupt world" you are referring to, it's a world that's certainly imperfect and with many unknown variables. If you think that your mom is on the wrong medications, bring in another psychiatrist (preferably one who specializes in bipolar disorders) and get a second opinion. 

I don't know the details of your mothers mental health history or her present state of mind but medication can help if she is diagnosed properly and medicated properly. That doesn't mean there's a cure for her condition but it does mean that her disorder can be managed and controlled to some extent. Your family's support and advocacy can make a difference as to how well it's managed P****. I understand you are depressed and grieving but this is a time you need to be proactive. Make sure your mother is getting the right medication and the right care. Good luck and let me know how things work out.

happy(proactiveandproadvocacy)shrink

 

Since I don't have any letters from some of my wacky friends I will end with a top 10 list.

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

I know I can think of a few more, just give me some more time.

happy(untilnextweekIhope)shrink

  

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