Letters November 2004

I've been dating a man who is about 10 years younger than me (I'm 43) and I am puzzled. Every so often he will look into my eyes and ask me, "What are you thinking?" I don't know what to say. Is this some sensitive-man, came-of-age-in-the-late-80s behavior? Is he fishing for compliments? Or does he really want to know what I am thinking? Sometimes what I am thinking is totally out of context, like "I've got to get that check for the lawn service in the mail tonight" or "I can't wait to get these shoes off; my feet are killing me!" I never ask people what they are thinking, because I figure that if it was something they wanted me to know they would tell me. Why am I so clueless about human behavior at this late stage of my life? Usually I say something inane like, "I'm not thinking at all right now, I'm just basking in the moment." Is this a good answer? If not, can you suggest a few more suitable options?

There are many reasons why a younger man is attracted to an older woman. One of those reasons is that older women are more mature and have wisdom as well as life experience. Of course there are older women like Edna and Gind who are have difficulty standing on two limbs, but that's never been you Judi. It sounds to me like this guy is looking for more that sexual intimacy. I know it may be hard to believe that in this day and age, there is a guy out there looking for someone with brain activity but every once in a while it happens. Is it possible that this guy is actually interested in your brain activity?

If he is Judi, you have stuff to offer him. In case you may have forgotten, you are a pretty smart lady who does have more thoughts in her head than, "my feet are killing me." You don't have to respond to that question with the immediate thought that is in your head at the time. I'm sure there are a number of concerns that rattle around in your head on any given day. I know you have strong political thoughts, moral values and are interested in social justice. Let this guy know what Judiblueye is about. Let him know what values are important to you. What kind of world you would like to live in.

Of course, a number of things can happen as a result of this. He may fall in love with you, he may pack his bags and move to another State, or he may just say,
"Jeeze! I'm not going to ask that question anymore." I can't tell you what result you can expect or what result might be desired. What I can tell you Judi is that this guy wants a piece of your mind and I think you should give it to him. If he survives, then maybe he's worthy of a mature and wise 43 year old woman like yourself.

The diagnosis is schizoid effective disorder? What would you suggest A. wait for the drugs to turn her in to the walking dead and bring her home to keep the laundry folded...B. .wait to get the drugs "adjusted" and move her to a live in center for an indefinite time period till she can cope and go into day therapy...C.. same as B.. but go directly to day therapy and pass on the live in thing and deal with her at home at night. I have a wonderful 2 year old son that thinks I'm the bees knees . I think the same of him but in a fathering type of way. I know this is written in a joke style but this is real, and hurts like hell. After 7 years of a good marriage, with small outbursts of this stuff ( paranoid things ) [that went away quickly] I never thought any thing of it { the tip off was the haldol she took every day for anxiety???!!???} but I need to know what an outsider thinks and what the potential time lines will or could be because I believe the state will not be picking this tab up! AND I want My love and life partner back...It sound a little slobbery but with all our faults we are a good match through the LORD:)

Dear toosoontobebrokeanddepresseddad,

Having your wife being diagnosed with a significant mental illness is very devastating and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. On the bright side, this condition didn't start 13 days ago and it is finally being treated properly. I can't tell you the severity of your wife's disorder nor can I tell you how well her condition can be managed. I can tell you that there are many people with your wife's diagnosis that live quality lives and are productive.

Right now there is a lot of burden on you to keep things going while her condition is unstable. Hopefully, new medication and other therapies will enable your wife to resume her role as spouse and mother. I don't know who was prescribing Haldol to your wife for anxiety but it is usually not the medication of choice for Schizo-Affective Disorder (The proper spelling of her diagnosis). I am sure that the psychiatrist treating her will find a better medication or combination of medications to stabilize her mood.

It sounds to me like you have been in the dark about your wife's situation for too long. Perhaps it was unconsciously intentional, but now that you know that it's more than anxiety, you need to educate yourself about your wife's condition. In rare cases, people can take medication for many years and be symptom free. More likely, your wife will have mood swings that require modifications in her meds. Your understanding of your wife's condition as well as being able to spot signs of decompensation, mood swings, etc. will go a long way in your being able to share your lives together. I would also suggest you speak to someone in the hospital about support groups for spouses of people with Schizo-Affective Disorder. Meeting others and finding out ways that they have coped with this illness may be more helpful to you than anything a professional can tell you.

Lastly, toosoontobebrokeanddepresseddad I urge you to hang in and be hopeful. Please feel free to write again and let me know how your wife's condition is progressing. Good luck.

happy(andhopeful)shrink

I was wondering if you know anyone at the trailer park who has a house like this. LOL

Dear Happyshrink,

I'm a young adult on the antidepressant Effexor (venlafaxine) and the pill Loette, I was wondering the rate of absorption of these drugs. I take them in the morning 150 mg EffexorXR (slow release); because sometimes I forget to have them after food and get a stomach ache and sometimes diarrhea. Also there have been some times when I have consumed alcohol the night before and vomited some time the next day, I know that alcohol and drugs don't mix but I've been on antidepressants since I was thirteen and recovered from a major depression bout 3 years later, so I'm also focused on trying to live a regular life and have some fun. Can you please tell me a rough time frame so that I know if I vomit or have diarrhea whether the drugs have been absorbed or not.

Thanx.

P***

Dear P***,

Loette, as I am sure you are aware is a birth control pill. I looked it up on the Internet for some information regarding absorption and I found this information that should be useful to you.

If you vomit or have diarrhea after taking Loette

If you have vomiting or diarrhea within 3 to 4 hours after taking a pink tablet, you must use an additional non-hormonal method of contraception (such as condoms or a diaphragm, but not the rhythm or temperature methods) until a pink tablet has been taken daily for 7 days without a break. If you come to the end of the pink tablets during these 7 days, start the next pack straight away. Skip the 7 green tablets. The tablet may not have time to be absorbed properly and may not protect you from becoming pregnant. If you have vomiting or diarrhea after taking a green tablet, do not worry.

I also want to add that Loette as well as other oral contraceptives may increase your level of depression. I hope you are being seen by a psychiatrist who can advise you if oral contraception is the best means of birth control for you, given your level of depression. It may or may not be a factor, but it's worth checking out.

Effexor is an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication that does have nausea and vomiting as common side effects. It is usually absorbed by the body about 2 hours after it is taken. I would strongly advise moderation when it comes to drinking alcohol even if you were on no medication. (I don't think its all that normal or healthy to get drunk and throw up often even for young adults.) If you do intend to drink, I suggest you wait several hours after taking Effexor before consuming alcohol.

While I hope this information is helpful to you P***, I would urge you to speak with your psychiatrist about it. I am particularly concerned about the use of oral contraceptives while you suffer from depression. I don't know the history or severity of your condition, but that is an issue you should discuss with your psychiatrist. Let me know what he/she says.

happy(doingasmuchashecaninmoderation)shrink

This behavior is probably normal but there is a slight chance that it can be signs of a problem. The best thing to do is to have your baby seen by her pediatrician. Describe in detail the movements and eye positions if the baby does not duplicate the behavior in front of her doctor. Your baby's doctor is the best able to assess the situation. As far as your "thinking crazy" is concerned, good mothers look out for their children. If something doesn't feel right to you, never hesitate to get it checked out. That's being a good mom; not a crazy one.

I have to have this major surgery in a few weeks. I'm becoming really hard to live with because I'm just stressed all the time and have bitten the heads off of all the members of my family. They are now headless. What are some things I can do to de=stress in the next couple of weeks so that I'm not a completely intolerable B****? I would appreciate any help and advise.

Your being aware of the situation is a good start. I am sure your family is very concerned about you and already understands that you are on edge. They too are probably feeling stressed out and experience frustration at their own fears as well as their inability to make you feel better. The best thing that all of you can do is to talk openly about all your feelings. Everyone in the family needs to share. Your kids may be less able to express themselves. The thought of you having a serious operation can be overwhelming for kids of any age, but it would be helpful to talk about it with them and go over the logistics of when the surgery will be, how long you will be in the hospital, how long you will be at home recovering, etc. Friends and family can be a tremendous source of strength. Use them that way and you will find you level of stress will be decreased. Please keep me up to date on your situation.

Yes, I have returned with yet another question.

Can you tell me your opinion on self-injury? Yes, it is something I have a problem with, but I have also found out recently that a lot of other people do also. Are there any medications that specifically help with this problem? Most of mine seems to be from scratching my skin until it bleeds. The last time I did it left a pretty nasty place on my wrist. The few people who noticed, like who really cares right, make such a big deal about it that I decided that from now on I would just do it some place where I can hide it. I don't like that idea because it's like being a closet alcoholic -- if people don't know then it seems to get worse. At least that is my logic on it.

As usual, I always appreciate your very helpful information. I would also be open to any website information that you might have. Thanks so much.

T.

This subject has been discussed many times on this web-site. The most common type of self-injury is cutting however, scratching until one's skin bleeds is up there as well. It is a common symptom for people who are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and may also be linked to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). There are no medications that can manage such behaviors, but there are forms of therapy that have been helpful in managing the symptoms of BPD such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). You can look that up on the Internet and find a lot of information there.

With regard to self injury, I would refer you to a Self Injury Bulletin Board. It is a moderated board so you will not only get information from those who have a similar problem, but with professionals who work with individuals who self-injure. To link to this Bulletin Board, click here. Let me know if this is helpful T. Good luck and keep writing.

Ok, some points of clarification: The woman I was writing about has a website (Thewritersnotebook) which listed her and my ex as "co-editors" on it by name back in August, which is how I came across it. She had an Instant Message link for a Yahoo IM ID on it as well, which I used to send her an instant message: this is what I meant by an IM addy. She also had information about her "Weblog" (or "Blog" for short), which is a sort of public diary. I am sure you have heard about Blogging, most often in the case of semi-public political personalities who use them to spread their op-ed pieces, or detail their doings on the campaign trail, etc. In the case I referred to, the woman's Blog was on a site where people join (pay money) to post their Blogs, and then are reimbursed money based on how popular their Blogs are. The woman in question considers herself a free-lance writer, and her Blog was about Christian BDSM in general, and her "Master" and his trip from Washington State to Florida to be with her, in particular. You can read an exerpt on:

So, yes, it was a "public" blog,: all blogs are by definition public, because otherwise they would just be a journal or a diary. I guess the woman may have been embarrassed by what I wrote in the "Comments" section, although considering the type of things she has written publicly about herself, I find this hard to believe. (For example, one piece is a "fantasy description of her and her Master's first sexual encounter", written in poetry format.) Anyway, thanks for the advice. I will take my considerable talents and put them to better use than trying to protect the desperate women of this world from my ex. After all, I don't owe them a thing. So much for the good Samaritan pose. At least I got out before I was morally, emotionally and financially bankrupt.

Thanks for explaining Blogs to me. You know, I really don't have a problem with BDSM (Bondage & Dominance Sado-masochism) between two adult individuals who are consensual and make sure that they keep this information safely away from their under aged kids. I do find it rather disturbing that people share and celebrate such acts on the Internet not to mention it's ties with Christianity. Having said that, I do defend free speech even when it is uttered by creeps, demons and assholes.

This brings me back to what I have told you all along Judi. Be thankful that your Ex is out of your life. The women he manages to hook up with will either wise up to him, or perhaps they may just deserve what they get. Leave well enough alone and make the law work for you and not against you.

I have a 32 year old son who is living with his 82 year old grandmother and 84 year old grandfather. According to them, he goes out all night and sometimes doesn't get in until the next day. He is not gainfully employed. My mother and father are loving grandparents, however, my son has stressed them almost to the end of their ropes. I'd let him live with me and my husband, however, my son and I do not get along and he would rather not live with me. We are total opposites in personalities. Also, he has acquaintances who are not conducive to my lifestyle.

He has a beautiful 6 year old son. My mother and father helped him and his girlfriend to rent a lovely 2-bedroom apartment right after the baby was born. He and his girlfriend and the baby only lived there approximately 3 months, then I heard from their neighbors there were loud parties with beer and smoking. His girlfriend took the baby and returned to live with her mother. I brought toys, clothes, food, and whatever I could afford to give to them.

I love my grandson. I still love my son even though I don't know why he behaves like a monster. He barely knew the mother of his son, before I heard that he was having a baby. When I first met her, we got along. Over time, I find that she is not the person she came across as when we first met. She seemed friendly and needed my attentions, at first, and I thought she really cared for my son. But, over time she has proven to be a difficult person---leaving her child with strange people and, instead of letting me care for my grandson, she leaves him with others.

I've reported abuse 3 times. However, the governmental agency informed them that I was the informant. She would not allow me to visit my grandson. She is very vindictive. I have worked very hard to get back in her good graces. Now, I've grown to accept this girl because she is the mother of my beautiful grandson. I thank God for my grandson. I wish my son would be employed at a responsible job and accept the mother of his child and be a father for his son. I cannot support my son. I can barely afford to support myself and my home. My husband is doing his best.

My son has too many problems for me to help him with. I have tried to "talk" to him without any success, in fact, he becomes almost violent around me. I am afraid for his child and for his future. What can I do? Please help. My son needs somebody to help him, but I can't even get near enough to him to start a conversation.

Dear KM,

There is no conversation to start with him. Your son is a 32 year old man who needs take control of his own life. You can't do it for him. All you can do at this point is protect yourself and perhaps your parents. They are currently serving as his enabler. While giving him food and shelter, they just perpetuate his being dependent on others and taking advantage of people's kindness. He is 32 years old and has obviously been doing this for some time. I don't know if you can change him but you can talk to your parents. Their kindness is only making your son more dependent and irresponsible. I don't know if your family is strong enough to do this but your parents need to give him notice that he must find his own place to live with his own money and take responsibility for his own life.

If there is any hope for your son it will have to come from "tough love." I can't guarantee success and there is a good chance he could end up homeless, in jail or even worse. Right now all you can do is save yourself and try to save your parents. It may not be the answer you are looking for but in your heart you probably know that it's the right one. Good luck and let me know what happens.

happy(It'shardertogrowupat32thanitisat18)shrink

Now that the election is over, were can return to really important stuff like Sports! Compliments of my mother-in-law, here is a top ten list:

The top ten comments made by sports commentators, that they would like to take back:

1: Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing."

2: Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience, since I once mounted her mother."

3: Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4: Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5: Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6: Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7: Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8: At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9: Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10: US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh, my God, what have I just said?!"

Dear HappyShrink,

I am a 23 year old psychology student and am planning to become a psychotherapist. Like everybody else I do have some problems myself, however. In my case it's mainly insecurities and related social phobic tendencies as well as sometimes a little depressed mood [especially after filling out some of those scales and questionnaires that we study and figuring that my life really sucks ;o) ]. But I checked the likely categories in both DSM-IV and ICD-10 and found that I don't qualify for any disorder. The symptoms are never strong or persistent enough.

I have been wondering whether I should try psychotherapy, especially since a friend keeps bugging me about how every therapist should know what it feels like. There is going to be self-exploration as part of the therapist-training of course, but that's not the real thing. I'm actually curious and would like to have a therapist who listens, likes/accepts me the way I am and tells me that everything is going to be alright (sounds like god, I know). But on the other hand I am terrified to look for one. I fear he/she wont like/accept me after I told her everything about myself and will tell me that I shouldn't become a shrink. Also I would need a diagnosis since the insurance wont pay for self-exploration. I'm scared of trouble getting a job/getting accepted in the therapist-training program because of that diagnosis. And I'm scared of what other people might think/say when they find out. I have this voice in my ear (just figuratively speaking!) that tells me I have to be strong and able to help myself or I'm not worthy and can't be a therapist.

So what do you think? Should every shrink have experienced therapy for themselves? Should I? Any Advice?

Thanks for your time,

Psycho(logy)Student

The answer to your question about going into therapy is a resounding YES! You should go into therapy. Confidentiality that is federally mandated (look up HIPAA) will protect you from not getting a job in health and human services based on being treated for an Axis I diagnosis. If any field is understanding about such things, it's health and human services. As long as you avoid felonies and misdemeanors, you can be a little psycho and still be a competent therapist (Just look at me!!!).

You have issues in your life that are making you unhappy. It is very telling that you are someone that wants to be in the "helping" profession but don't have much confidence that someone in that profession can help you. Having problems and even having a diagnosis does not usually eliminate you from being a competent psychotherapist. But if you had a serious enough problem that could get in the way of your being a psychotherapist, it's much better to find out now than after years of study, emotional stress and financial investment.

If your life really sucks right now Psycho Student, get the help you need to make it better. Work on overcoming those social phobias, because I can tell you that they don't go away by themselves. Have faith in the profession you are looking to enter. Let me know what you think

I discovered that my ex had moved to Florida by reading the Weblog that his new girlfriend had written. When I contacted her by the IM addy on her website (which, by the way, also included her name, address, phone number, e-mail addresses etc.) to warn her about the loser she was about to hook up with, she accused ME of being a cyber-stalker. I made no threats of any kind, just pointed out that the man was still married to his second wife, had been unemployed for 2 years and that he owed 21,000+ in child support to his children.

My question: if someone has a Weblog on which they give intimate details about their life, haven't they voluntarily given up their right to privacy regarding the issues that they've discussed? If someone contacts them and voices an opinion about the content of their Web log, how is that person a stalker?

If someone has delusions of writer-hood, doesn't that mean they have to face the Critics of this world with at least some semblance of good humor about it?

PS I understand that she has since dumped the "lameass" (as she put it). She is still calling me names, despite the fact that I warned her in good faith.

First let me apologize for not getting to this sooner. I did eventually find it and pieced together the several letters you sent regarding this issue.

You know what they say about love being blind. Your husband seems to be able to attract some pretty smart women who have made some really stupid choices. I guess this ex-girlfriend of his resents the pot calling the kettle black even when the kettle gets all the dirt off of her. Clearly, you did not stalk her nor threaten her, but you did point out some dirty spots. I think that any threats made to you about stalking or slander is a lot of posturing and hot air.

When you post your name and address on the Internet, you still have a right against people harassing you just like you do when your name and address is posted in the telephone book. Since you only "IM addyed" her once, about truthful information, it's hard to claim harassment from such a message. If this was a public posting (I'm not sure what IM addying is or what a Weblog is) it may have been embarrassing for her and I can understand her being upset. Perhaps you can clarify that for me and I'll post it (with your permission) next week.

I can certainly understand how upsetting this situation is for you though. With all your struggling to raise your daughters and make ends meet in spite of a dead-beat dad who has given you a lot more aggravation than withholding child support, you don't need this kind of grief. There is a lesson to be learned from all of this Judi. Maybe next time you should let your husband's female companions figure it out for themselves. You did. So did wife #2. So did girlfriends #'s ???

Does George Bush have any message for me about how I am going to put up with him for the next 4 years?

Postings from November 1-30, 2004