Postings from August 1-31, 2004
Date: Aug 28-29, 2004
Hi Happyshrink, I'm C***** and I'm 17. I don't know if this is anything to worry about but I wanted to ask someone and I have been searching for something like this for the past half an hour. Well, I have a superstition problem, if that's what it's called. I have a tendency to always choose to do something or not by picking something out and if one thing happens, I do it. But, if another thing happens I don't. For example, I have always been a shy guy and if I am bored I will say to myself, "If the numbers on the clock adds up to and odd number then I will call this girl, but if its even, then you don't have to." I know this doesn't seem so bad but it has been getting worse, happening more frequently and in more serious situations. Where it started to call girls, then to poker games and if I should bet or not, and all the way to making serious decisions at school, work and around the house. When I think about this and I don't do what ever it tells me to, I feel unsafe and scared that something bad will happen so I sit in my room all day and do nothing. I am asking for some kind of advice or simple statement that will hopefully shake away this condition. I thank you for your time. Sincerely, C***** Dear C*****, It sounds to me like you have a decision making problem that is born out of anxiety. This is very common for young people who are near adulthood but still very uncertain about who they are and who they hope to become. Perhaps you fear making the wrong decision and believe that such a wrong decision will mean you are stupid, unworthy or inept. By using an external decision maker such as what do the numbers of the clock add up to or a coin toss, you take the onus away from yourself. Blaming it on a coin toss or the time of day is safer for you self esteem but must be very unsatisfying. When you are successful at something to you give yourself credit or do you credit a a lucky flip? What do you think might happen if you make a wrong decision. If you decide on your own to ask a girl out and she says no, does that make you a failure. If you lose a poker hand, are you a lousy poker player or do you blame the numbers on a clock? Having self confidence is not something that comes easy to anyone. It's even harder for teenagers. This is a time in your life where you are taking your first real emotional risks. I don't think there is an easy way out of this C****. I can't really judge how debilitating this condition is for you, but if you can't grit your teeth and try to make some decisions on your own, then perhaps seeing a counselor may help. Please feel free to write me again and let me know how you are doing. Good luck. happy(tobeornottobe)shrink
Hi Happyshrink, I wrote to you several months ago about a controlling ex who still wanted to control me even though its been 4 years since the divorce and I have re-married. Well, I did follow your advise and set parameters in which I limited his contact and the form it would be in. He was pissed. But complied. Now he has taken to putting the kids in harms way. Basically, one of the boys friends pulled a knife on one of my kids. We verbally agreed to not allow the children to be in each other company. Much to my dismay he has allowed this to happen despite my reminders and a letter from an attorney to cease this behavior. So, I have had to file contempt paper with the court. This is so frustrating. I know there will be a reaction and am dreading that reaction. Unfortunately, despite the circumstances involved in this latest issue, I do not have grounds to get sole custody. But I am taking the steps to protect the boys. The truly hard thing is that he tells the boys almost everything and then they have questions for me. I try to answer their questions without putting them right in the middle of this mess. They get hurt and their father cannot or does not seem to understand nor care. I get to be the bad guy, but as long as they are safe I will continue to be that person, yes the children do know and understand that. I just wanted you to know that I appreciated your advise and am glad that I followed it despite the recent events. I have had more peace of mind in dealing with the crazy issues that he continues to try to address. Thanks, S Dear S, As I said in my first letter to you, it will probably never be easy. Only when the kids are grown, can you really sever you relationship with your Ex. Until then, you are doing all the right things even though it is frustrating and difficult. As your kids get older, they will see what their father is about and make there own decisions on how they choose to relate to them. Until then, just try not to get lured into the kinds of dialogues he's trying to create. If it's helpful, feel free to write me every now and then to vent some of your frustrations and get support for all the good things you are doing. Protecting your children and keeping them out of harms way is the best thing you are doing. Hang in there. happy(hangingwithyou)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, JeWitch got back to town from a trip to England a few weeks ago. She was showing me pictures and telling me about these guys who have a job guarding a castle or something .. GET THIS ... They just stand there, they don't move, or talk, or smile or ANYTHING !!! They just stand there. WOW !!!!! I said, "THAT'S THE PERFECT JOB FOR ME! DO NOTHING AND GET PAID FOR DOING IT!" JeWitch said I won't even have to learn another language if I go to England. THEY SPEAK ENGLISH THERE TOO.. but let me just say, I have heard them talk in the movies and they really REALLY made a mess of our language. I was REALLY excited, but you know, she got my hopes up for NOTHING because after watching me jump up and down from the first bit of good news, she says, "But before you go, you will have to get a VISA." DAMMIT !!! A VISA??? She knows better than that ... I can't get a WalMart credit card. [I have been working part time at WalMart for the past 10 years.] I can't even get Spike [the owner] to give me a bar tab at the Dew Drop Inn. There ain't no way I am gonna find a bank willing to give me a Visa. ANY WAY .. I was driving home from work the middle of last week and I have to go through this really rich neighborhood. I see that a few houses have those cement statues they call lawn jockeys just standing there in the front yard ... Just like those guards at the palace .. that's when I got this great idea. You know how people are always trying to OUTDO the JONESES?? HA. IMAGINE HAVING A HUMAN LAWN JOCKEY !!! Last weekend I talked this old rich guy into giving me a job as his lawn jockey. Well, let me tell you this ... It ain't as easy as it looks. The first day while I was standing there, not being able to wipe the sweat that was rolling down my face, taking my mascara with it, a pigeon crapped right on my nose .. AND THAT'S NOT ALL .. at the VERY SAME TIME, a poodle was peeing on my leg. The very next day I had to quit. You see, this cat decided to use my leg as a scratching post. I tried to ignore him, but finally had to give it a smack on the nose ... I think I got a total of 184 stitches inside and out. I can hardly get up to go take a leak, NO WAY could I stand in that man's front yard all day. BESIDES, if that poodle were to come around again, I am sure that urine would burn the hell out of my wounds !!!. So, I am no longer jealous of those guards at the queens house. It's a very dangerous job .. and not as easy as I thought it would be. Soon as my leg is better I will be going back to my job as greeter at WalMart. My boss said that when I get it through my thick skull that a nickel isn't more money than a dime just because it is bigger, he will consider training me as a cashier. I told him thanks, but NO THANKS, I will wait until they start making paper money in different sizes. "Welcome to WalMart, would you like a buggy?" See, I am really good at that.. Yours Truly, Edna Hoppenstetter Dear Edna, As one of your biggest fans I just want you to know that I think you are good at a lot of things. And as soon as I figure out what they are, I will post them on my web page. Until then, have a happy Labor Day. happy(hashadenoughLaborforoneday)shrink
Date: Aug 21-22, 2004
Happyshrink, Okay
- I'm going to try this one more time. Dear T**** First let me thank you for your kind words about the website and my dog. Actually Edna and Gind are the alter egos of some very good Internet friends of mine. They have made me laugh just about as much as they have made you laugh. I can always count on them for a funny letter and often a good picture to go with the letter. Now to your question about the right brain and left brain; it is true that they crisscross and the left brain controls most of the motor function of the right side of the body and visa versa. That however is only the physical part of brain function and your question was about the thinking part. I did come up with some information that I found on the Internet that might interest you: Experimentation has shown that the two different sides, or hemispheres, of the brain are responsible for different manners of thinking. The following table illustrates the differences between left-brain and right-brain thinking:
Many educators have taken this research one step further. They believe that some people are right brain oriented while others are left brain oriented. This is more complex than being right handed or left handed. As you can see by the two lists of attributes, people with different orientation may not only see the world differently but learn differently as well. Understanding if someone is left brain dominant or right brain dominant would be an important factor in how to teach them. This research is not without controversy T****. Scientists as well as educators are divided in the significance of one side of the brain versus the other. Nevertheless, it is an intriguing notion. There is a website that you might enjoy looking at. I don't endorse it as fact nor do I endorse any of their advertisements or links, but it is an interesting description of the right brain/ left brain theory. To access the site, click here. I hope you find it interest. Please feel free to write again. happy(tryingtokeeppeacebetweentheleftandtheright)shrink
hi happyshrink, Wow, I used to come to this site quite a long time ago, it's kind of oddly comforting to see it hasn't really changed a bit. anywho, my question is this: I've been diagnosed with social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder, and I have not figured out how to tactfully decline requests for dates. (okay, I am not merely being avoidant, I believe I'm doing the right thing staying away from relationships at the moment, as i tend to be very frigid and distant and almost non-existent in romantic situations... and who would want that!). Recently, a guy that I met at a night school course (who will actually be moving to the same city that I am moving to for post secondary education) has asked me out. I wanted to have his friendship really badly, but I feel like because of his request things will be unalterably "screwed". I don't want to just say "no" politely, and I don't want to be cliché and say "It's not you, it's me!". I want to tell him the truth. Do you have any suggestions? And how do you think an average guy is going to react to this? Is he going to think I'm just loony? geez... this dating stuff is ridiculous. thanks for your time, --jenna Dear jenna It's nice to hear from you again. I have a few thoughts regarding your letter. First off, I hope you are working on your problem. Life without intimacy is a lonely one and you should expect more from life than avoiding romance. I understand that right now may not be a time when you are ready for such a relationship but you also need to consider how long before it becomes avoidance. Fear has a way of growing and become more difficult to face as time goes by. Eventually you must face it and give intimacy a chance. I'm not suggesting you do anything against your will but I am advising you to work through your fears sooner than later. You said you want to tell this guy the truth. I whole hearted agree. The truth isn't that bad jenna. I don't think you need to tell him you are messed up or loony. I think you need to tell him that right now you are not prepared to be involved in a romantic relationship, however you do want to remain friends. If he's a good guy worth keeping as a friend, he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, perhaps the loss of his friendship is not so terrible. Good luck jenna. Please feel free to write again and let me know what kind of progress you are making with your social anxiety disorder. happy(notunfamiliarwithbeinganxiouswhenitcomestorelationships)shrink
Hello Happy, TEACHER ARRESTED! At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Best regards, JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I just want readers to know that your political humor is not endorsed nor promoted by the Ask Happyshrink website. But I do think its very funny! So.... first we get rid of all the lawyers and then the math teachers. Do I got that right? happy(imagininghowlifewouldbewithmorefingersandtoes)shrink
Dear Happy, How does one deal with the following humiliation?
Edna's ugly sister Dear Edna's ugly sister, Read your email every day; no ever six hours; no every hour. happy(beautyisonlyskindeep-uglyisthroughandthrough)shrink
Date: Aug 14-15, 2004
Dear Happy: Bipolar and severe depression runs in the family that I married into. My one stepson, I am pretty sure is bipolar, my stepdaughter has been diagnosed with bipolar and is taking meds for it. My question is my youngest stepson. I met him at about age 12. According to his Mom and Dad he was slow to learn potty training and talking. He was put in special classes from 1st. grade on up. He went to a regular schools and graduated. He had tutoring and several classes a day where spent in special classes where he got extra help. When taking a test he would go to a separate room and have the teacher read the questions and he would answer them. Yes, he can read but the pressure of the test was just to much for him. Up until a few years ago I went along with him having a learning disability. A few years ago I found out exactly what bipolar is and realize what was happening in this family. My question is how yearly can bipolar effect a child? I know it can happen in young child but can it start as young as 2 and 3 years of age. Is it possible that his slowness is really bipolar and no one knew? Thank you in advance for your answer, J**** Dear J****, I would be very skeptical of a child under 10 years of age being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm not saying that it is impossible, but these cases are extremely rare and often misdiagnosed. While bipolar disorder may appear in early adolescence, it is more common for the onset of bipolar disorder to appear during late adolescence or early adulthood. Children who have learning disabilities such as ADD and ADHD may develop mood disorders as they get older. In their early childhood, these children display hyperactivity, distraction, single mindedness and even melancholy. While many of the moods and behaviors may look like bipolar disorder, it is more often a manifestation of the learning disability. I suspect that your youngest stepson may be experiencing this, however it is mere speculation on my part as I haven't enough information to offer a diagnosis. To really understand what is going on with him, your stepson needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and also have a psychological workup. There is a hereditary component to mood disorders and he may have a condition related to his older siblings but he should be diagnosed by a psychiatrist who specializes in working with children and adolescents. I can understand some of your frustration in dealing with your stepchildren's mom and dad. Parents are often too close to a situation to see what is going on. Your input can be very helpful, however it should be directed towards having the child properly evaluated by mental health professionals. Good luck and let me know how things work out. happy(andproperlyevaluated)shrink
Mr. Get Happy, 1. Is it Possible for another person to make a happy person unhappy, permanently? 2. Why can't some people mentally fight the forces that try and ruin them mentally? 3. Do you think some brain injury can be fixed if permanent? May have more questions later. Thanks in advance. Anon Dear Anon, 1. Happy people can become unhappy and even depressed as a result of many things. Bad relationships can leave people bitter, angry and even clinically depressed. The permanence of such a condition has many variables including the person's motivation to become happy, their current situation and the resources they have to overcome their problems. Two people suffering from the same degree of unhappiness may have different life outcomes based on their internal strength and their outside supports. 2. Many people can fight depression, anxiety, delusions and even hallucinations. There are people who battle with mental illness every day and win! I have been privileged to know quite a few people like that. I also know people whose mental illness is just too great to overcome without having a very limited quality of life. There is no difference between mental illness and medical illness in this instance. There are people who have beaten cancer while others have succumbed to it. Those who died were not less worthy individuals. Their treatment just wasn't enough to successfully fight the disease. 3. The brain is a more resilient organ than most people think. People who suffer a stroke or brain injury due to an accident are often able to regain a lot of their faculties after proper and consistent rehabilitation. Some brain damage though is not reversible however, medical science is making new advances every day. I hope your questions have been answered to your satisfaction. happy(askmemore)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Andy was in his 5th grade class and the teacher asked the kids what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, dog-catcher etc. Andy was being especially quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father, Bubba. So he said "My dad's an exotic dancer at a gay bar, he takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to start their homework and took little Andy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Andy, "He works for the Bush campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." That boy is growing up to be a smart kid. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I think he's been spending way too much time talking to you and that LIBERAL friend of yours, Mary. Do you know what Edna would say? Probably nothing. She's probably still running after Bubba with a 12 gauge shot gun for dancing in a gay bar and not handing over the money. happy(andnotashamed)shrink
Dear Happy, You know them men don't never axe directions. We were headed over to Bithlow for a special anniversary celebration to the All American Bar at Bithlow, an' he decides to take a shortcut. Pot holes big as a case o' beer every 3 feet. Nearly broke my neck, popped the spring in the truck and broke my bra strap.
Gind Rinker Dear Gind, Next time you send me a picture of yourself, please send one that has your pretty face and each of your three pretty little teeth. happy(abitdroopythesedays)shrink
Date: Aug 7-8, 2004
Happy, What does a person do if married and forced to move somewhere they didn't wanna move and now stuck in a dinky town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do...? I have some hobbies so please don't suggest that. The hubby won't move/EVER! Have one son and one grand daughter. The only ties to here. I sorta met someone on the net to gab with but don't think anything will happen with that. Thanks! Nice site! Ali in Hellsville Dear Ali in Hellsville, You know what you have to do, but I guess you have to hear it from someone else to validate it. Get the hell out of there! You must have some friends or relatives outside of this "dinky" town. You must have some financial resources to relocate. You must have some skills to find a job in another community. If you don't have any of these things. work on getting them. Do what you need to do to get a better life. Nobody can do this for you Ali in Hellsville. It may or may not be your fault that life has dealt you a bad hand. It is your responsibility to play the cards as best you can. Don't fold and give up. Play the hand as best you can. It's up to you. Happy(seeingyourhandandraising)shrink
A blast from the past! Cornfed writes: Hi Happyshrink Well, it's been a long time and I wanted to catch you up on life so far. I have saved all of the letters I have written to you over the years. Has anyone ever asked you what you are most proud of in your life? I haven't been able to find the words for that question but when I read our letters I am certain that a portion of that answer lies somewhere in those years of correspondence. Your last words of wisdom took place in 2001. I was experiencing some anxiety with the decision I made to leave group therapy. I wanted to find some way to fill those Monday nights that allowed me to appreciate the journey ended. The decision I made was to take up piano. I didn't have a piano or even the ability to read music at the time. Much like life itself, the art can be a struggle. I've come to realize that it requires hours of practice and the mistakes are plentiful. I am the only adult student that participates in my teacher's piano recitals. As an adult it isn't a required activity, but I know the true test in living life requires that you perform. Oh how I long to be one of those 12 year olds when it comes to performing at piano recitals. My hands treble and my heart races but I endure. One of my favorite songs to play is Amazing Grace. I discovered this little technique that helps me to feel the music and settle my nerves. It's is similar to guided imaginary. I'll share with you the journey in my mind as I play. Here's a little help just in case you get lost. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me." I'm a little girl back on the farm running down our long lane. I love the trees that hang over the lane and make beautiful shadows in the dirt. Sometimes I don't take the time to stop and admire them. After all, I'm a just a little girl and my mind is really on what is at the end of the lane. "I once was lost, but now am found, At the end of the lane there is a huge wheat field. The sun is shining and the wind blows through the tops of the grain. My eyes follow the rippling gentle waves as they make their way across the field. I run through the wheat field and make my way to an amazing shaft of light. When I reach the center of the light I look up. Where does this light come from and how did it get here? I don't know but it is warm and makes me feel protected. Someone knows I am here. I leave the wheat field and live my life. Part of the images are my past and others are yet to be discovered. ...was blind but now I see." Near the end of my life I come back to the wheat field. Again I am drawn to the bright magnificent shaft of light. I walk slowly towards the center of the light shaft. This time I look up and smile as the warmth covers me from head to toe. Now I know where the light comes from. I know it has been with me throughout my life, protecting me and keeping me safe. I spread my arms and allow the light to take me on my final journey towards home. I play the song well, but I still practice it nearly every day. One of the things that I am surely proud of is the life journey I have shared with you. I promise to keep in touch because after all there is much performing left to be done. Cornfed(ticklingtheivorykeysoflife)2004 Dear Cornfed 2004, It's really special hearing from you! I am glad that you have been busy with a lot of good activities. Playing the piano is a special skill that I don't have but admire those who do. I realize that it takes a lot of practice and hard work and I am sure you have pleased your teacher and maybe even impressed a few of those 12 year olds. I am sure you play your song well but it doesn't sound to me like you really practice it every day. It sounds more to me like you enjoy playing it every day. And that is what it's all about. Not practicing but enjoying; not rehearsing but living; not studying but embracing. Keep up the good work. I'm glad you are still around. happy(enjoying;living;embracing)shrink PS: My new way of filling some of the time that used to be filled by posting the web page every day and having the Tuesday night chat group comes in the form of an Australian Shepherd named "Osan." He's my first dog and after fifty-five years I would say it's about time! Osan at 4 months
Dear Happy, Well, it takin' 5 year, but we, The Earl an me have come to agreement on a important issue. We have forever had the problem of The Earl gittin' pee all over a swayin' when he be tryin' to git rid of beer in the bathroom. I can't tell you the number o' times I set down on the wet toilet seat or the toilet bowl when he forget to put the seat down. Then the worse part is durin' the night when I hear him pee, I git the urge to go. Then I gotta clean the toilet seat before I can sit down. Then I can't go back to sleep. I tell you, it has been hell. Then there were the time I made him go pee behind the trailer because I knowed he were too tanked to hit the bathroom, let alone the toilet. Mary caught him an' told Snake on him. I tried makin' him clean the mess up, but that was worse. Then there were the time he come home with a urinal. The only place it could fit in our size trailer were in Harley's room, an' I said no to that. (Wonder who is short a urinal?) Then I made him sit down, but the thing dipped in the water. So, I said, "Honey, How about kneelin' in front of the bowl." Well that go over like a lead balloon. So finally we got the whole thing solved an' everbody's happy. The Earl is sittin' facing the tank. He doesn't have to aim....he doesn't have to stand......he can rest his head on the tank top if he's tanked......the pee don't make no sound to wake me up......he doesn't have to remember to put down the seat......an' there ain't no pee nowhere but in the bowl. Problem solved! Gind Rinker Dear Gind, If you and the Earl are able to come up with solutions to problems like this one, you may just put some marriage counselors out of business. happy(peeingalloverhimselfafterreadingGind'sletter)shrink Back to "Ask Happyshrink" Home Page Back to most current postings
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