Postings from April 1-30, 2004

Date: April 24-25, 2004

Dear Happyshrink,

Our college age daughter has had two bouts of  serious depression four years apart.  She was treated with Effexor for 18 months the second time.  She has been med-free since October and resumed college life to the fullest.  What do we need to be aware of in guarding against a relapse?  She missed a semester of college and then took a reduced load of coursework upon her return.  She doesn't ever want to "go there" again, and I have to say it was our most difficult parenting experience in all our years of marriage.  We have no family history of mental illness and hope and pray she doesn't suffer from this for her lifetime. I know statistics are not in her favor after two episodes.  Any advice?

Worried and concerned parents

Dear Worried and concerned parents,

I can certainly understand your concern and frustration. There really isn't any way of knowing if and when these bouts of depression may return. While the two of you and your daughter need to be hopeful about the future, you also need to be aware that symptoms can return again. The triggers for such symptoms can be related to stress, early childhood issues and/or chemical imbalances. I would suggest that your daughter be in therapy during the time she is in school so that if symptoms do begin to return, they can be detected early and treated effectively.

Clinical depression is by far the most widely diagnosed mental illness. Studies and estimates indicate that it may affect as many as 20% or more of our population. Much of it is undiagnosed and untreated. The fact that it has been identified as a problem for your daughter may be distressing to you, but awareness and treatment can be the difference between a life of unhappiness and unfulfilled dreams, and an active, productive and happy life. Most forms of clinical depression may not necessarily be cured but they can be managed successfully. You can help your daughter to manage this illness just like you would any other condition she may have. Don't let her be stigmatized into thinking that such a condition is a flaw in character, intelligence or a sign of weakness. It's not. Here is a small list of people who suffered from clinical depression:

Abraham Lincoln, Kareem Jabbar, Barbara Bush, Menachem Begin, Irving Berlin, Ray Charles, Michaelangelo, Peter Ilyich Tchaikovski, Dick Clark (the Bandstand guy; not the national security guy), Yves Saint Laurent, Walt Whitman, Rodney Dangerfield (I guess it was a respect thing with him), Boris Yeltsin and Paul Simon (definitely the singer/songwriter and maybe the Senator).

Your daughter is in good company worried and concerned parents. I hope she will one day turn you into "proud parents."

happy(proudparentofachildwhoismanagingdepression)shrink

And compliments of Reverend_Al

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 

 

Dear Beula,

If you continue to get this hot under the collar, you may just heat up the entire northeast. Calm down. Summer is right around the corner and I know you love things hot and steamy.

happy(runningforcover)shrink

Date: April 17-18, 2004

Hello Happyshrink,

About 3 weeks ago I started taking Effexor XR for depression. I started at 37.5mg/day. Within a few hours I experienced nausea - it felt like my stomach was tied in knots and was pretty severe. After about 7 days the symptom subsided and I increased the dose to 75mg per my doctor's orders. The stomach pain returned, though not as severe.

The problem though was that I was unable to sleep... I already take Ambien (7.5mg, I break the tablet). The Ambien allows me to fall asleep, but I awaken within 3 hours and am unable to fall back to sleep. After 6 nights of that, I reduced the dose back to 37.5 and was able to sleep through the night. I would like to be able to increase my dosage, as my understanding is that 37.5mg isn't really a high enough dose to have much impact. However I need to sleep! I am taking the medication right before bed. Is this increasing my problem or does it not matter? Also, will the sleeplessness eventually go away or is that a permanent reaction?

I have limited access to mental health resources and would be very grateful for your input.

Thank you,

L

Dear L,

You might want to ask your doctor to prescribe the regular Effexor. It is not time released like the XR but it may not make you as nauseous and if you can take it in the morning, it may not keep you up at night. It's worth trying. The Effexor XR may become less a problem over time. You might also want to wait it out. 

Other than those suggestions, you might need to try another anti-depressant. You should consult with a psychiatrist to make sure that the meds you are taking are best for you and will not affect your medical condition as well. Good luck and let me know how things work out.

happy(anti-depression)shrink

Dear Gind,

It's true that DUI has cut down to one drink a day but this picture will demonstrate that it wasn't such a great accomplishment.

Happy answers another spam letter:

Dear Happyshrink,

Does normal sex leaves you unsatisfied? Are you looking for some special toppings that’ll bring new unknown taste to your sexual cuisine? We’ve got something for you here. The most sophisticated tortures, screaming ladies writhing with pain but yet getting pleasure, and much more will not leave you calm! Click here for new and unknown pleasure!

Locoweed H.Tonga

Dear Mr. Tonga,

I'm not sure what you mean by normal sex. A good sex life should include diversity and imagination. The tortures and screaming ladies are not my particular cup of tea, but as long as they are two consenting adults I say live and let live. So how did you get the name Locoweed? Maybe if you stopped smoking some of that stuff sex of any kind would be more satisfying. 

happy(likesbeingcalmespeciallyaftergoodsex)shrink

Date: April 10-11, 2004    HAPPY EASTER

Dear HappyShrink,

My husband died 2 1/2 years ago. Our daughter was five years old. A year ago, I started seeing someone. My problem is this: My daughter has a problem with me having a boyfriend. If I kiss him goodbye in front of her she will usually get mad and cry. He gets annoyed when she does this and then I end up getting mad at him. He doesn't understand why she would have a problem with this.

I understand perfectly. She lost her father at such a young age and doesn't like to see me with another man. We have sex once a week and on a rare occasion twice. This is perfectly fine with me but of course he has a problem with it. He thinks he should be able to stay over night at our house and have sex when my daughter is home. I don't think that this would be a good example to set for a child and I know it would upset her terribly. He doesn't seem to care about that. He's 45 years old and I think he needs to grow up. He's got sex on the brain all the time like an 18 year old boy. Is this normal for a man his age? All of our problems revolve around sex. It's all he talks about. If things don't go exactly the way he wants during sex he gets mad and very quiet, then either ignores me the next time I see him or just doesn't call me.

Otherwise, he's very good to us and treats my daughter well. I think that if he was mature he would be more understanding of the situation. What do you think? Any advice would be helpful. Should I tell him to get lost or am I being unreasonable? He says that my life revolves around my daughter and to some extent I think it should especially since I'm all she has. I'm getting real tired of his moodiness.

Thanks,

K

Dear K, 

There are two separate issues going on here. While they may be related, you need to look at them separately to get a perspective on what you need to do.

The first issue deals with this guy and if he's the right person for you to be involved with. One thing he needs to understand if your relationship is to grow and move forward is that you and your daughter are "package" deal. He can't make a commitment to you without making a commitment to your daughter as well. This involves developing a relationship with her that is independent of his relationship with you. He needs to get to know her and understand her. If that's too much for him to handle, then he's probably not the right choice for you. As far as sex is concerned, that is also an issue of compatibility. There is nothing wrong with a 25, 35, 45 or even 55 (cough cough) year old man to be interested in having sex more than once a week and also wanting to spend a night with you. If you have different feelings about that, eventually it's going affect other aspects of your relationship. If sex is problematic now in your relationship, do you expect it to get better as time goes on? I can't tell you whether or not to continue this relationship or to end it, but you need to think about this man's compatibility with you and your daughter. You are a package deal and he needs to realize that.

The second issue deals with your readiness to let someone else into your life as well as your daughter's life. If you want to have another man love you, you have to be willing to have that man love your daughter as well. I understand that this is going to be tough for her and I also understand why she gets upset when a man shows affection towards you. But when do you and her let go of your husband? If you are not ready to let go, she won't be ready either. If you are ready, you need to help her move on and accept a new father. 

The loss of a young husband and the father of a five year old must have been very devastating for the both of you. It can take a long time to grieve his loss and allow yourself to love someone else. Perhaps you are still not ready to do that. I can't really judge that from your letter but I do know that if you find the right guy for you and your daughter, you need to be invested in making it work and not bide your time until your daughter is old enough to "accept" a new father. You need to help her to "embrace" a new father. That can be a very tough thing to do and even feel like a betrayal of your deceased husband. 

Think about what you want for yourself and your daughter K. If you want to have a new person in both of your lives, then find the right one and let him be full participant in loving you and raising your daughter. Let me know what you think. Good luck.

happy(andafullparticipantofanewfamily)shrink

Dear S,

You situation is not that uncommon. Many controlling and abusive exes continue to be manipulative and controlling even after a divorce. He's not all that different from a schoolyard bully. But like most schoolyard bullies, once you stand up to them, they back down. It's not a matter of being nice or nasty to him. It's a matter of being consistent and following through on that consistency. Here are some concrete suggestions.

Enforce the divorce agreement. If he shows up when he's not supposed to, ask him to leave. Get an order of protection if he persists on doing this and exercise it when he violates it. Nothing says "Don't screw with me!" like getting arrested.

If he is in violation of other parts of the divorce agreement, deal with it in court. I know that it can be a pain in the neck but it's an action he can't ignore without realizing that he has more to lose than to gain. 

Set some reasonable communications parameters for him. For example, agree to speak to him about the kids every other week on Tuesday nights from 8:00 to 8:15pm. Tell him that unless there is an emergency, you will hang up on him all other times.

Ask your relatives not to speak with your ex if he calls. If necessary, go to court and file a motion that the court order him to stop contacting your relatives. Ask your new husband not to engage your ex in conversation as well. Your husband can remind your ex when it was agreed upon for him to speak with you and then get off the phone.

Let your new husband read the emails and delete the ones that are just being sent to upset you. Let your ex know that your husband will be screening emails and you will only be looking at ones that are relevant and not inflammatory. Also let him know that your children are not to couriers of verbally inflammatory messages. If he ignores that rule, go to court. I know some exes who ended up having supervised visitation because they couldn't talk to their kids without bad mouthing the other ex.

Be consistent and patient. He will continue to test and manipulate as long as he believes there is a chance he can succeed. It sounds like he's been succeeding a lot in the past 4 years and it's time to let him know that he can't do it anymore. 

Lastly S, don't let your children become pawns or weapons in this battle. Take the higher road. They should be able to spend time with their father if he's willing to show up when he is scheduled to. Let them develop their own relationship with him without your feelings being a part of it. If he's manipulative and inconsistent with them, they will get that message. 

You divorced your ex because he was controlling and abusive. Don't let this continue. He's not going to change but you can. Please feel free to update me on your progress.

happy(tryinghardtobeconsistent)shrink

A Touching  Easter Story
It wasn’t easy for my  friend Edna to raise three children alone.  Her FIRST husband, Everett, died serving his country and life became an uphill battle for her.   She was only eighteen years old at the time of his passing. Her oldest child, Andy, was four years old when he lost his daddy, the next oldest was Lulu, two years old,  Rusty was 6 months old and Lurlene was still in the oven.  For a young mother with very little money, holidays like Christmas and Easter were becoming a real pain in the ass. The tension mounted each year as the holidays approached and the children started making their  demands for gifts and candy but the financial situation simply wouldn’t accommodate such indulgences. It was during these times that Edna had to use her imagination and be genuinely resourceful.  Each year she told the children that Santa Claus got too drunk and must have lost their address [again and again.] This explanation sufficed for the absence of Xmas gifts, but the dilemma of the Easter Bunny still remained. A rabbit couldn’t booze it up.  She was going to have to think of something else  and each year, she did.
One year, she didn’t hide any eggs or candy and just told the kids they were just too stupid to find them.		The following year she told them that the Easter Bunny had rabies and the government announced  "Easter is off this year."  just to be on the safe side. " The next year she told them that the bunny got his leg caught in a trap and had to chew it off. She added [to give them hope] that the Easter bunny was awaiting prosthesis & that is why he wouldn't be making the rounds that year. Another year she served rabbit stew and let the kids draw their own conclusions.
	The next year she bought one chocolate rabbit and tore it into three equal pieces and hid them. One year, she didn’t hide any eggs or candy and just told the children that they were too stupid to find them.  The next year she bought one chocolate rabbit and tore it into three equal pieces and hid them. As each child found a dismembered chocolate fragment, she told them that the "chocolate wolf" must have beat them to all the hiding places.
Last year, when she had become tired of all the deception and her children had matured to the ripe old ages of eight, five and four, she told them "there is no goddamn Easter Bunny and the whole thing is a pile of commercial shit that a bunch of Third World basket weavers and the National Egg Council had dreamed up."
This year, before spending ALL your money on your own kids, won't you please consider making a donation to "Edna Hoppenstetter and Family?"  Edna will be  accepting Paypal payments if you want to use your credit card.   Just log into Paypal .. choose "send money" to: (The email address has been removed by happpyshrink) you can email her for her address if you prefer to send cash, money orders or cashier checks.   No personal checks please.  Her family is still growing and she is completely out of lies and excuses.   God bless you all and thank you,    JeWitch