Letters February 1 -29, 2004

I am having a great deal of anxiety going to see my therapist. I believe at some point in our relationship we became very close, and then for what ever reason, he seems to me to be much colder to me than he has been in the past. I am almost to the point I feel as if I need therapy on how to deal with my therapist. I'm not sure, but I don't think this the way therapy is suppose to be.

I get conflicting messages from him, or maybe I'm just crazy, but at times he is very caring, wanting hugs and very gentle with his words. Then the next time I see him, he yawns, seems disinterested, and is watching the clock. I know I've talked to you about him before, I'm just confused about this relationship. In therapy I am suppose to feel a trust, feel as if the relationship is a good, strong one so that I can work through, and feel safe to work through some of my stuff. I find instead, that I keep a lot of what I need to talk about to myself because I don't want to disappoint him. I guess I need the approval, and I get that when all is well in my world, and don't disturb his.

You will probably suggest that I seek a different therapist, and I have even thought about it before. Problem is, I really like him. After five years It feels uncomfortable to start over with some one else, only to have them hurt me. Not sure what to do, not sure I will do the right thing. Would really like it if he would love me like he use to.

ME those

I can understand your frustration with your therapist and I can also understand his behavior as well. As someone with a history of abuse and trauma you want someone who is caring, warm and supportive. Even a hug every now and then is understandable in that circumstance (although I must say I don't do that in my own practice). While the therapist wants to be all those things it can become problematic in treatment. The therapist must maintain some boundaries and set limits as well. When a therapist finds that he/she may have come close to those boundaries, their natural tendency is to withdraw to a safer place. I believe that your therapist has done that for your safety as well as his own.

I would suggest you talk to your therapist about your feelings. You may even read your letter to me as I think it captures your current concerns and raises the possibility of moving on to another therapist. This can be a good way of looking at what has transpired over the past couple of years as well as understanding what you need now.

You had a good nurturer over the past few years, who helped you through some pretty difficult times. Perhaps now you need someone who can be a little more distant but help you gain greater insight. Your current therapist may have taken you as far as he can. It may be time to see a new therapist who can move you along even further. I want to be clear that my comments in no way minimizes the accomplishments and skills of your current therapist. Clearly he was able to provide you with the most positive and productive treatment you have ever received.

So you were right on the mark as to my recommendation. That tells me you know deep down inside what you have to do. Do it and do it the right way ME those. You have come so far and yet you have so much more potential to grow. Keep growing. Keep fighting. Keep working.

My problem is that I often mistake any positive feelings towards men as "love" (i.e., infatuation). Any time a guy is at all nice to me, even in, say, a lab group context, I get romantic feelings for him. I am always afraid to show my feelings because guys have never liked me, and I have had bad experiences in the past about guys being disgusted or disturbed when they found out I liked them. Also, a lot of these guys are already in relationships anyway.

Even worse, I often get these feelings for inappropriate and/or unattainable men. For example, I got in trouble and was forced to go to counseling at my school's health center, and the psychologist I'm seeing is a very young (fresh out of grad school), intelligent, and incredibly nice guy. He is the only person who has paid any kind of attention to me for a long time, and even though he's married and I KNOW he's only nice to me because it's his job, I feel so close to him that naturally, I am having these romantic feelings for him. (This, of course, is why I can't talk to HIM about this problem!)

For another example, I have these feelings for a young (early 30s) professor whom I don't even personally know (I'm in his class of 100+ students). I think it's because I like and admire him as a teacher. Incidentally, this has happened with several other teachers/professors/ teaching assistants throughout high school and college. A final example: during a recent internship, I worked with a lot of men who are in their late 30s and 40s (way too old for me), and I developed these feelings for some of them as well.

It is incredibly frustrating, because I know that my romantic feelings for most of them is completely irrational, and that there is no way I will ever have an actual relationship with any of them. I also can't tell anyone about these feelings for that reason. In most cases, I eventually come to my senses, usually a few months down the road, and forget about them, but in the meantime, I feel tortured and miserable about this unrequited "love" I have. I suppose if I ever got into a real relationship with an appropriate guy, I would probably not feel this way about these other men, but that is not really a possibility at this time.

From your self description it sounds like you suffer from very low self-esteem. I am not going to challenge your contention that you are overweight and unattractive as I have never met you, but if that's how you describe yourself, it seems to me that you have put yourself in a position to only experience "unrequited love" or what is really infatuation. Love is something you are able to receive when you are able to give. If you have such contempt for your own appearance, how can you give love to someone else? Perhaps choosing unattainable men as your infatuations make them safe and yet it also makes you frustrated. While it is good that you are in therapy, its effectiveness is being sabotage by your infatuation with the therapist. Perhaps you need to see a female therapist for now.

As far as some other suggestions, find ways to improve yourself. Losing weight and improving your appearance is only one aspect of self improvement. There are plenty of women who are overweight who are able to feel good about themselves. You need to find ways to do that and/or find ways to improve your appearance....or maybe a little bit of both.

Before you can start loving others, you have to start loving yourself. Do things nice for yourself. Set some goals for your self improvement. Try to become more social as well. I know there are a lot of people who may judge you on your appearance but you need to judge yourself on a higher level. When you start doing those things for yourself, perhaps the men you meet won't be so unattainable. Good luck and let me know what you think.

That's a great idea the Earl came up with. That's at least a two day supply of toilet paper for my family.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! Print it, Save it, Read it daily.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

When you are sleeping on the couch tonight, please be on the lookout for the smell of gasoline and other inflammables.

As you may have heard Gilbert just got out of the hospital. He had a heart attack while viewing the Super Bowl half-time show and seeing that slut Janet Jackson bare her breast. It was only a mild heart attack and he's fine now even though he misses those American cheese sandwiches I used to make him. I have to make sure that there is no stress in his life and see to it that he is as comfortable as possible. That's why I'm writing you Mr. Happyshrink.

Now, I know that you and JeWitch are friends and maybe you can talk to her about not being such a cruel bit... person. Gilbert received many get well cards during his stay at the hospital including one from JeWitch. Thank goodness I opened it first before Gilbert. I might be a widow right now if not for that. Please ask JeWitch to leave poor Gilbert alone.

I will try my best to get JeWitch to be nicer to Gilbert. Maybe it would help if you stopped snooping in her window 5 times a day. Please send my best wishes to Gilbert. I'm sure he'll be out of bed and sitting on your couch and staring into space in no time!

I've continued to work on some personal issues, trust, relationship, and intimacy to name a few. In my head, I know all about the why, how, what, etc behind the issues & what to do to work through them. But something seemed to be missing. I felt if I just understood these things better, I could work through these issues. I just didn't understand, but I kept working at the process.

A few weeks ago a man I knew & (had!) respected pled guilty to sexually abusing his grandchildren & was sent to jail. That prompted my recent visits to my therapist. As we talked she made the connections between my history of being abused with my personal struggles now. She's made that connection lots of times. I knew it, but this time I began to understand. As I thought about it over the next couple weeks, I really understood at a deeper level. I guess the best way to describe it is to say I took ownership of my past and present issues.

Thanks for sharing that story. While nothing has changed in what you have to do to get where you want to be, a lot may have changed in how you feel about yourself and what you have accomplished. Some people go through their whole lives just looking at what they might have done or should have done or could have done. It's being able to see what you have accomplished in light of all you have been through. That is much more valuable than a ticket to "Easy Street."

....and one more thing cnot; those people who are still looking to get to "Easy Street" may someday come to the sad realization that it doesn't exist. For you though that realization doesn't matter. You know that life is hard but worth the sacrifices. That speaks volumes for what this new understanding has brought you. Keep up that personal training.

Why can't she find a good man like the Earl? Thanks for sharing the card that he sent you on Valentine's Day. You are one lucky girl Gind, but I would still make sure you have that Colt 45 under your pillow at night.

I have had very mild or no depression. I have never had any sort of psychotic delusion/illusion. I do have choking experience episodes while asleep. I have normal levels of enthusiasm and/or anxiety, per the particular circumstance. I have never had a manic episode; but certainly have had any number of peak-performance-geared experiences related to mainly sports competition, over the years (definitely well within reason - and mainly the culmination of extensive training/preparation)

How in the world could I have been possibly put into the catch-all basket of schizoaffective disorder (this occurred around 11/2000 -- when I was unfortunately railroaded by my former spouse and/or the family doctor?

Schizoaffective disorder is an illness in which there are both severe mood swings (mania and/or depression), and some of the psychotic symptoms of schizophrenia. Most of the time mania or depression mix with psychotic symptoms, but there must be at least one two-week period in which there are only psychotic symptoms without any symptoms of mania or depression. That's the the textbook definition of schizoaffective disorder. I am clearly not in a position to diagnose you or make a judgment as to the situation between you and your ex-wife. If you feel that you were misdiagnosed based on inaccurate information, I would suggest you find an independent psychiatrist to evaluate you.

You would not be the first human being to be misdiagnosed OV, but you also wouldn't be the first human being that was in denial of suffering from a mental illness either. I can't determine which category you fall into, but I would urge you to get a second opinion. I wish you luck and I hope that the results give you the reassurance of not being mentally ill or the foundation for getting help if you are mentally ill. Let me know what you find out.

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

They've realized that for a little sausage, it's not worth buying the entire pig.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

Happyshrink,

help. please. miserable 18 year old. perfectly happy...if not a little weird...until this year. I was always a happy fun eccentric slightly misunderstood kid. Then I started feeling depressed. (I am giving you a concise history because too many words take too long and are annoying.) In November I talked to a psychologist about ADHD problems and she talked to me a little about depression and anxiety and identified that I was having lots of those symptoms in addition to the ADHD, but we thought that they were just situational, dealing with stresses of applying to colleges and working a lot AND having to deal with attention control. However, now it's three months later and the depression and anxiety feelings have got much worse; especially the depression.

I have been sleeping a lot more and working a lot less than before (which should be making me feel BETTER) and all my college apps are finished, but I feel worse and more miserable than before. since mid-November I have been taking 36 mg of Concerta every day, and then about a month ago I added 5 mg of Ritalin in the late afternoon to alleviate the huge crash I was having. after the meds wore off my mood got disgustingly worse and I was always really mad and sometimes violently mad. That's why we added the late-day Ritalin. I guess I don't feel like that's helping much. In the beginning I thought the meds were helping with attention control but now I'm still having lots of trouble focusing AND my moods are terrible. I know you are not an MD but I was wondering if there are other treatment options for ADHD that might help with moods and depression problems too. oh--and the ADHD wasn't a misdiagnosis because it was confused with depression/anxiety symptoms...because the ADHD has been present forever, and the moods have just gotten bad this fall. thank you.

ellie

Dear ellie,

It's not unusual that someone diagnosed with ADHD and making the transition from childhood to adolescence and then to adulthood for symptoms of anxiety and depression to crop up. During the last 8 to 10 years your body has been going though a variety of physical and hormonal changes. As these changes take place, the medications that may have worked well earlier in your life may no longer serve their purpose and modifications have to be made. It sounds like your psychiatrist is trying to do some of these things (I hope it's a psychiatrist and not your family physician who has more limited knowledge of ADHD in transitional states.) to try and help the situation.

I would urge you to speak with a psychiatrist who specializes in teenagers and give him/her a detailed description of what your day is like. This would include your highs and lows as well as any moments of anxiety and depression. Your psychiatrist may need to review the medications you are taking and perhaps make some changes. Ritalin and Concerta are not always effective as kids get older. You may need additions or changes to your medication regimen. See a good psychiatrist and let me know what he/she says. Don't wait for it to get worse ellie. Get help now so college will be an adventure and not a nightmare.

happy(pleaseletmeknowwhathappens)shrink

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

A bit of the OLD ... go back in time and remember the days when Edna got her FIRST REAL JOB working at Wal-Mart, remember ?? She used to be a greeter, "welcome to Wal-Mart, would you like a buggy??" Remember I used to pick her up after work each day?? She hadn't bought her new Vega yet .. and Bubba had lost his license for DUI or something ... It was boring and so I used to invent things to do while waiting for her to punch the time clock ..

Well it's gotta be a half dozen years gone by ..Edna still works there a few days a week and I still pick her up, because she lost her license for DUI or something ... In the past few years I have had to come up with some NEW things to do at Wal-Mart .. They are as much fun as the old ones were .. Just not as many .. I keep hoping Edna will get her license back and take the Vega off the jacks in the back yard. Here are the FUN THINGS TO DO .. try them .. or do you not have Wal-Mart in NYC ?? Or Jersey ?? Heck, try them out in Saks .. I bet that would be VERY interesting ..

Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking.

Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!! !!"

Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"

I'll have you know that we New Yorkers, New Jerseyites and even Connecticutites have Walmarts, 7 Elevens, Dairy Queens, White Castles and the best damn pizza in the whole world. When I was younger I worked for a Dairy Queen and when the chocolate soft serve ran out, I proclaimed to the customers that I would go to the bathroom and whip up another batch. Nobody laughed and I was fired. Go figure.

Postings from February 1-29, 2004