Letters January 1 -31, 2004

This is probably going to sound crazy, but I'm going to take a chance and talk to you about it anyway. At least this way I can't hear you snicker.
I believe I had mentioned in another communication with you that I have recently started facilitating a support group for abuse survivors. This has been a challenging experience but I have learned and experienced so much. In interacting with the members of the group I have found that many of them are not in therapy, although they would like to be, but most of them can't afford it. I'm sure this is not news to you, but I had not realized how lucky I am. Because I am sort of the person doing the leg work for the group, I have met and talked to many people in the field, and I find the opportunities as far as therapy and facilities are limited. I have been reading books and the subject of short term and long term care seems to lean more toward short term. I think it's more because insurance doesn't want to pay, not because long term care would be beneficial. OK, so this is where I go off into the ozone.

Happy, I want my own facility. I want a facility that offers a stabilization unit as well as short and long term care depending on the patients needs, not insurance needs. I would like to offer as many different types of therapy as possible as well as offering skills for the patients to learn and explore, that will help them find what talents they have. I'm not making much sense, but I'll continue. I have mentioned this to my therapist and he liked the thought, however he did remind me that if insurance didn't pay for the patient, then either the patient would need to have money or I would need to find a way to fund the facility myself. So, i have an idea for funding as well.

I guess, to make this short, I want to have your input, first of all, on what your thoughts are on the needs of short term and long term care. I have read where some people believe long term care makes patients dependent on the facility, and that would not be my intent. Instead, as care progressed, patients would be encouraged to be more independent, preparing them to go back into their world's with new skills, more self esteem and better focus. My argument is, that about the time I was actually stable enough to work and get involved in a program, insurance said it was time to go home. 3 to 4 weeks was sometimes just enough to get my head clear, but not to get any real benefit from a program. That's just my experience.

I am two semesters away from my Bachelor's, so I know I have no credibility, however if I start now, by the time I get my Masters, the facility could be well on it's way to reality. I will of course seek Grants to begin the process, but would have the facility self sufficient at some point.
What do you think? Be honest, and give as much input as you can.

Every not-for-profit organization that ever helped anyone was started by small people with big hearts and big ideas. I'm not suggesting that your goal will be easy, but then nothing really worthwhile is. You have loads of personal experience dealing with a system that makes it tough for victims of abuse to get the help they need. It seems to me that you are in an very appropriate position to seek grant money (from both private and government sources)and to start a program that can extend the time of treatment based on what individuals need and not what managed care companies are willing to pay for.

The road is going to be a tough one Methos and I am sure you will have moments when you will want to throw in the towel. It's not all that different than your personal struggles when you think about it. While I can't give you a recipe for accomplishing this goal, here are the two ingredients you need to start with:

Networking: Talk to people. Professionals, consumers, politicians and educators. Join organizations that advocate for victims of abuse. Continue and expand your volunteering activities.

Research: Find out what private and government grants are available. Find out what kinds of interventions have been successful and are likely to be funded. Get as much statistical data as you can on the scope of the problems. Most people don't realize how pervasive this problem is.

So you are not crazy nor stupid......Or maybe you are as crazy and stupid as me!

I am beginning to realize that my mother wants something like deification from me, that she expects to be irrational and angry while I pander to her, grateful for the nothings that she has given me. Defile the child so that the mother might be worshipped.

Last night I called to be picked up from the station. She told me she was sending my sister to pick me up, then yelled at me for coming into town so late (12:30). Then she told my sister that I was pissed off because I wanted my mommy to pick me up and was complaining about it. When I asked her, she said that "it sounded that way." Like she expects to be my everything, that I have some massive clinginess in her mind.

Is there a subset of parents who want to be like gods to their children? For financial reasons, I'm dependant on her for a while...how should I interact with her? What should I do?

You have a couple of options and it really depends on what you think is most palatable (or least unpleasant). You can develop a plan to become more financially independent from your mother. This may involve taking additional student loans, getting a part-time job and finding ways to budget your money more efficiently. Once you have become independent financially, you can decide how much (or how little) interaction you have with her.

The other option is to play the game and appease your mom for the time being. Once you are out of school and working you have more options in deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with her. She is probably not going to change the way she is and you have to decide how much of her personality you can tolerate.

I don't know how much more time you have left before you graduate but if it's a short time, you might want to tough it out for a while. Given the fact that you spend most of the year away from home and away from your mom, I suspect that may be your best option.

I have one last thought for you Petunia. In this letter as well as your last letter you seem to be somewhat focused on trying to figure out your mom's pathology. My advice to you is to focus on your own wellness and look to minimize whatever abuse or emotional damage you mother has inflicted on you over the years. You can't change who she is. You can change yourself and shape your own destiny. Please continue to write. I hope my advice is helpful.

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

I don't have any mirrors in my home anymore but I do have this really scary looking picture of father in my bedroom over my dresser. You know I never realized that we had the same taste in clothing.

Dear happy

I am having a problem with neurotic perfectionism. Nothing I do is ever good enough for myself and I know I'm getting stressed out and anxious and nervous and dejected when I could be so much healthier. I've tried lots of things to stop being a perfectionist, but I can't. when I get a test back and it says 99 on it, the first thing I do is look for the mistake. I stay up almost all night trying to make my homework and essays perfect. I stay after sports practices to drill myself obsessively on skills and maneuvers, telling myself I won't stop till I get it right, but usually it's my coach who orders me to stop because, even though I never realize it while I'm doing it, I'm exhausting and overexerting and hurting and straining myself to the point of near injury. When I tried to overcome this drive myself, I read in a book that I should stop setting impossible and unattainable standards for myself, because they will only set me up for failure. My problem right now is this: why should these standards be "impossible" for me? Who says I can't attain them? Am I not smart enough or good enough to achieve those goals? if expecting A's in school work is too high a standard, then why have other people been able to do it in the past? they're not any smarter than I am. admitting that so many people are smarter than I am can't possibly be a positive action.

Another question: can neurotic perfectionism lead to depression and anxiety? how severe can this be? (mostly...how can i stop it all?)
still another question: I also have ADHD. Is this entirely unrelated and independent, or does it have a place in this jumble puzzle of my mind difficulties?

alle

Having the drive to achieve excellence is a good thing. But excellence isn't perfection. You can get an A grade and still have mistakes on a test or paper. The goal is to do your best to be your best. Defining what being your best is what I believe to be the problem here alle.

So what are your goals in life? To get a good education earn good grades?... to excel in athletic endeavors? Those are fine goals. But here are a few you might have missed. To have good friends and be a good friend. To enjoy life and it's wonderful adventures. To be successful on the road of life but always make time to stop and smell the roses. If you haven't achieved these goals alle, your first two goals are meaningless.

When I was your age or perhaps a little older there was a poster was that of a large maze and above the maze it said, "Life is a mystery to be explored; not a problem to be solved." Often perfectionists believe that if they achieve perfection (which is impossible) you will achieve the happiness and fulfillment in life. It's a false belief that many people don't come to realize until their lives are almost over. Don't let that happen to you alle.

As far as your question about ADHD being related to perfectionism, it certainly can be a component. You efforts to overcome ADHD have required you to work harder, concentrate more and discipline yourself to a much greater extent than most people. It sounds to me like you have developed some good tools that have enabled you to do very well in school as well as successfully engage in sports activities requiring concentration and focus. Perhaps these tools can also help you to achieve some new objectives. These objectives don't directly relate to your perfectionism, but they may help you to manage it. Over the next six months I suggest you try to achieve the following objectives.

3-Learn something in one of your classes for the shear joy of learning without it involving getting a grade on a test or a paper.

4-Do one new and exciting thing that you have never done before but have always wanted to do.

5-Identify 3 people (famous or someone you know) who you admire and find out at least one imperfection or negative thing about them.

6-Write back to me after these objectives are attained and tell me what you learned with regard to perfectionism.

You can also write me back sooner to update me of your progress, or to ask me questions or to even tell me what your reaction is to my advice.

You know that me an Bubba have always fought like cats and dogs and he has gone and left me more than a hundred times. Well, we had a bad fight last week on account of the fact that he hocked my dentures for a 12 pack of beer. What a shmuck! Those dentures were worth at least 2 cases and I sure let him have it. Well up and left and he still aint come back to me. In fact he moved all his stuff into a new trailer and he says he don't wanna have nothing to do with anybody anymore! He has said this before too but has always come back to me. Only this time he move into a new trailer very far from anyone elses:

So what do you think happy? Will he come back to me again or have I lost him forever?

You remember a few years back when Orel Roberts went up into this tower and he wouldn't come out. He said the lord was going to take him unless someone gave him a million dollars....and miracles do happen because someone actually did give him a million dollars! Well I think that Bubba's price to come down from his trailer is a lot cheaper. My guess is that a case of beer will do the trick. Put it at the bottom of the ladder and I'm sure he'll be back with you in no time. You lucky girl you!

I was excited to meet her (not showing that I was) we hugged as a hello. Then we were was just going around town doing nothing we went to a park and we sat in this wooden boat with all her friends and she was always next to me and my arm would always be around her then her mom picked her up from the park. After that I went with my friend to his house for my mother could pick me up. While I was there I went on my friends computer to talk to her then she called me stupid like 16 times because I called her mother. She couldn't know about me for some reason then a couple of days past after that I found out that she was going to the movies to watch time line. I hated that movie but I knew it was great opportunity to see her again I asked her if I could go with her but she said I couldn't because it was a girl thing but all the other girls said it was ok . Then they said the van was to full to take me. Then tried another method if I could meet her there instead and she said yes. My father took me to meet her but I didn't think ahead of time to look for directions so I called her mother to get directions and she didn't know. And by the time I got home I was extremely bored so I went to sleep but I couldn't because she was on my mind all the time when I got on my computer she wasn't online yet so I waited until she got on.

It was like deja vous. She called me stupid again (not in a mean way) She was mad that I called her mother again, on that day I called her on the phone her mother and she told me that I'm not allowed to call her again (the reason was that I lived in anther town and I was one year older than her which I think is being a racist because that's my home town) so being the respectful guy I am I didn't call her any more but we still talked online but she wasn't allowed to do that either but she did any way. I was trying to build my relationship online. It worked but then she told me that she still had feelings for some guy who cheated on her during the summer (he doesn't live any were near her any more) and I was surprised because she said she loved me so many times it angered me but I got over it. It was one week before she was going on a trip for Christmas so I tried to talk to her more because I wont be able to talk to her for one week. It was kinda enjoyable but she kept on bringing up her ex at one point he IMed me with a quote from her saying that she wanted to have "crazy sex with him" that disappointed me then another IM that said "in his fantasies" which I knew he was referring to me than he asked her to choose between me and him she chose him and my heart felt as if somebody stabbed me in the stomach with very hot butcher knife. Then I was enraged that I signed off (doesn't sound so tough) and went out side with no shirt to cool my self off the first three days I felt empty then the days after that just plain. Then it was the day after she got home from her trip she said she regretted what she said to me and didn't mean it. She started to fall in love with me for real not for fake and I was happy that she wanted to be my girl friend and all but the only thing that was in my way was her mother she still remembered me and she still didn't allow me to call her, and I also couldn't see her so I knew it wouldn't work out and a couple of days past with a couple of I love u's and such then she sent me a letter.

deeply infatuated rocker guy

Dear deeply infatuated rocker guy,

In reading your letter and considering the fact that your mother and father had to drop you off and pick you up the times you met in person, I suspect that both you and Emily are young teenagers. I realize that at such an age feelings of intimacy can be very intense. In your situation, 13 miles may as well be 1300 miles. The fact that Emily's mom does not want her to associate with you make things even tougher. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As you both get older, the one year difference in your age as well as those 13 miles will not mean that much. Both of you will be driving at some point and your ability to see each other will not be so challenging.

No one can say if this relationship will endure the next couple of years in the form of an Internet friendship and become something more meaningful in the future, deeply infatuated... I do think you need to continue to develop other relationship and so should Emily. If like you said, you were destined to be together, that can happen down the road. If it doesn't happen, it probably wasn't meant to be. But even if it doesn't happen, I can guarantee that there will be other girls who will catch your fancy and make you feel special. I know this from my own experience as a teenager as well as having raised one son past his teen years and in the process of helping another one get through it. (Whew! I know it's don't come easy!)

You sound like a really nice young man deeply infatuated... If you stay that way, most mothers you come in contact with will feel good about their daughters seeing you. Good luck, stay honorable and respectful and be patient. Please feel free to write me again.

happy(beentheremanyyearsago)shrink

Subject: Questions Of Life

ü       Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

ü       Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

ü       Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

ü       Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

ü       On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'?

ü       How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

ü       Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

ü       Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

ü       How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

ü       Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

ü       Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

ü       When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all

  right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

ü       Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

ü       Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

ü       Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? (Love this

one)

ü       In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

ü       Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

ü       Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

ü       Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

ü       If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

ü       Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

ü       Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

ü       How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

ü       Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

ü       Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

ü       Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

ü       Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

ü       If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Happyshrink,

     I think you should have another one of your talks with JeWitch. Doesn't she have anything better to do with her time? Oh, gotta go. Today is the day that I clip Gilbert's toenails and scrape the white stuff off the bottoms of his feet.

Sincerely,

Mildred Thigpen

Perhaps JeWitch doesn't have anything better to do. I know that her significant other will not let JeWitch come near him with a toenail clipper or any other sharp objects. Can you blame him? My last suggestion to you Mildred is to stop trying to figure out JeWitch. Others have tried...that's why they invented Percocet.

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great
job, and great education. I spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said my wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I
catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

A fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.

It sounds like your wife thinks that something very fishy is going on between you and Sam. Perhaps she suspects that there's more than just the smell of fish on you when you come home from these trips. My suggestion to you is to get a new hobby. Who knows? Maybe Sam really likes to watch football.

My problem is this - I am a full-time college student who attends college in North Carolina. My school has many breaks - a Fall break, a Winter break, a Spring break, and 4 months of summer break. I have always approached these breaks with a mix of anticipation and dread. Dread because I always find it difficult to go home and deal with my parents, who are very overprotective.

I had surgery at age 12 for a brain hemorrhage. It was pretty major -lasting 9 hours and leaving me with a visual field cut on the right side of both eyes (due to a stroke I had after the surgery). I had to do a lot of physical and occupational therapy and relearn virtually everything from 5+2 on. It was a very difficult time for my whole family.

Throughout middle school and high school, my family was overprotective of me, but other people seemed to be going through similar things at the time, so I just sort of stuck it out. Now, however, there seem to be more and more arguments (especially with my mom) each time I come home. She says that I need to learn how to participate in household chores and as a member of the family, etc etc. I am not used to this since I am at school for 8 months of the year. I have tried to make sure my stuff is cleaned up, my plates washed, etc. but she seems to continue to dredge up old instances of when I left a sticky mess on the counter, etc.

Today we had a particularly bad argument - it seemed to cover a lot of basis. I told her I was going out with friends later tonight to eat dinner and that I was planning to eat lunch now (at 6 pm) since I ate breakfast at about 3. I am obviously on a "break" schedule, but she seems to have a problem with this - she says it is because I should be trying to lose weight and that won't help me. What I don’t understand is why she still buys lots of ice cream and sweets and then asks if she should hide it from me so that I wont end up eating too much.

She has been nagging me about my weight since I was 10 (although she doesn't remember this). I have tried to learn how to be more comfortable with myself and my body, but it has been a hard road. I am not built thin like she is and I wish she would understand that.

She also says that I spend too much money on my credit card, yet she wont give me a specific budget. When I asked her why, she said that it was because I never want to make time to sit down with her and my dad and talk about this (which I don't think is true). Another issue is that she seems to be upset that I want to do things on my own a lot of the time when I come home - hang out with friends, etc. I don't see why this is such a big problem.

I asked her if her parents treated her this way at age 23, and she said, "That was different - I was on my own and married." (She married out of college and got divorced 2 years later, before she met my dad.) I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, and I have never had sex, and I made the big mistake of mentioning this to my mom several years ago and she has brought it up ever since, saying things like, "Are you afraid of having sex?" "Just because of the risks of sex doesn't mean you shouldn't have it." "You don't even have a boyfriend", etc. etc.

Why is she treating me like this at my age? If there is any advice you have, I would greatly appreciate it and I am sorry this is so long. Thanks and Happy New Year! -

I think you answered your own question to a large extent. As a result of your childhood illnesses and rehab, your mom probably sees you as very fragile and younger than your actual years. Having gone through the agony of almost losing you once before, she is probably having similar feelings when you are at school and away from home. Also remember, that even parents of kids that didn't go through what you did can be overly protective as well as overbearing when their kids come home from college. I'm sure you have friends that have similar difficulties when they go home on break.

At this stage of your life you are developing your own identity and personal style as an adult. Your mom is also going through some changes. She has been in the role of caregiver for quite a few years now and that is in the process of changing. When you come home from school she sees an opportunity to return to the old relationship. Of course you can't go back to being a child and I can understand your resentment. You need to understand that she is struggling with the notion of having an adult child. Since you are still dependent on your parents financially, your mom still may feel she has the right to have power and control over you.

Somehow, the two of you need to talk about developing a new relationship that takes both your needs into account. She still has to feel she has some influence on your life. The issue of her discussing your relationship with men is her way of trying to relate to you as an adult even though her message may not be helpful or appreciated. You need to feel you have more independence and a life outside of the family that is private and respected as such.

I would try to sit down with your mom and discuss the changes that are occurring between the two of you. Be clear about what you want from her and ask her what she wants from you. Try to find some common ground. If that doesn't work, you might want to suggest family therapy. If that isn't possible, you might just have to tough things out until you graduate and get a job. Once you are no longer dependent on your parents, your bargaining power is greater and your mom may me more willing to change.

Our oldest boy Andy just became a member of the pit crew for one of the local race care drivers. Me and Bubba decided to go to one of the races. JeWitch took this picture of the two of us from behind. I don't know why she thinks it's such a great picture but I decided to send it to you so you could explain to me why JeWitch thought it was so funny.

I think the reason JeWitch found the picture so funny was that Bubba has on a clean white shirt you are topless and shaved your head. You still look mighty cute though.

Have you heard of neuropsychological testing? From what I hear, it is testing intended to measure how ones abilities are affected by neurological problems. Neither my neurologist or therapist have suggested this, but it seems like it would be helpful. Have you heard of it? Who normally has this done? I have lots of sub-clinical seizures and since I have apparently always had this may not know what I'm missing. Although I feel that I'm missing something. It has been suggested that I get Vagus Nerve stimulator but this seems too drastic to me. However, if I knew how I was affected by this I might consider it.

Neuropsychological testing is the term give for testing if someone has learning disabilities or cognitive deficits as a result of a development disorder, a brain injury or a seizure disorder. It is not all that different than what kids get in school when a learning disability is suspected. It's purpose is to identify what kinds of deficits exist and how one might go about correcting them. Even as an adult there are techniques that can improve your abilities to focus, remember and listen. I suspect that you will receive a battery of psychological testing.

As far as a "Vagus Nerve stimulator" I really don't know anything about it. I agree with you that you need more information and understanding about such an apparatus before considering it. Please let me know what you find out about it. As always, I'm still thinking about you and hopeful that you will be able to manage your condition and move ahead with your life. Don't give up.

When I go in for therapy I really want to discuss something, but I'm afraid that I shouldn't as she (my therapist) may be obligated to inform the authorities. How do I ask my therapist if I can tell her something without actually telling her?

There are a number of circumstances when a therapist is obligated to break confidentiality. They are basically the following:

If you share information that indicates you are an immanent danger to yourself or others.

If you have shared that someone else you know is an immanent danger to themselves or others.

If you are a minor and your parents need the information you have shared with a therapist to protect your interests and perform their parental duties.

If your discussion involves issues such as these, your therapist is obliged to notify authorities. If you are over the age of 18, here is a list of (obviously not complete) of issues that your therapist can not divulge without your permission:

Infidelity, substance abuse (illegal as well as legal), crimes already committed but not likely to occur again, lies you have told, sexual promiscuity, things that you have been victimized by but don't wish to have prosecuted by the authorities.

If my list has failed to touch upon your issue you can write me and give me a bit more to go on. In any event, I suggest you have a dialogue with your therapist about it. You can say what it involves without giving any details. Your therapist is obliged to tell you if such a conversation might lead to her breaking confidentiality.

Lastly Slightly Paranoid, this issue sounds very troubling and it seems to me that you need to discuss it with someone. Whether or not it is a psychotherapist, an attorney or a clergyperson, I would urge you get the help you need so you can put this behind you and move on with your life. Good luck and please let me know what happens.

This here feller come to the Circle K an were takin' pictures back in October. This here is what he done wit the picture of my dogs poop over by Mary's trailer. Mary had out this here fake cemetery stone an' a big carved pumpkin. Spike conjured up a big dump. This guy sold the picture to this calendar company. Now the question be, who has a right to sue for our share, me, who owns Spike, The Earl who brung home the bacon that made a record dump or Mary?

I think all of you deserve blame.... I mean credit for this calendar. I'll be sure to look out for it in my local bookstore.

Any role play that would involve an estranged alcoholic and abusive father touching you would be likely to trigger emotions. I don't think your reaction necessarily indicates that your father was sexually abusive, but it doesn't rule it out either. Clearly, though his alcoholism and abusiveness was a part of your childhood and has implications for your adulthood. You are at an age where you are going to want to have an intimate relationship with a man (that may already exist between you and your boyfriend) and the primary role model in your life was not such a great guy. There are probably some issues here that need to be worked through.

I would seek some help R. You are a young woman who has your life ahead of you but some baggage that you need to get rid of. Getting help now would help you to develop more healthy relationships with men as well as feel better about yourself. It could be in the form counseling/therapy from someone who has experience with adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) or even a support group. There are ACOA groups in most metropolitan areas. You should look into a community service agency or if you are in college, you can inquire through student services.

You may be watching too much Lifetime television but that doesn't mean that the movies they show don't depict issues that relate to many people. You sound like a thoughtful and sensitive person who has the capacity for insight and understanding. Please let me know what you think.

I always thought that Bubba had s*** coming out of more than one place. Now I have proof!

Postings from January 1-31, 2004