Postings from July 1-31, 2003
Date: July 26-7, 2003
Dear Happy, After an overdose incident earlier this year, the administration of my University decided to make me do mandatory therapy. Which I found really upsetting, since it's hard for me to get the help that they decided I need when my doctors end up talking to them (university people decide if I get to return off of that, which introduces confidentiality issues). But, I've been doing the therapy anyway and now my psychological professionals say I'm ready to return. Even still, the university won't let me-they say I need more time (even though they really have no idea since their psychologists aren't seeing me). What should I do? Do you have any suggestions for how to deal with recalcitrant university administrations? Sincerely, Flying Wombat Dear Flying Wombat, I really think this might be a legal issue rather than a clinical one. If you are cleared by a psychiatrist to be able to return to school and the school is saying you aren't ready without any justifiable grounds you might want to consult with an attorney as to your recourse. The school does have the right set guidelines for being deemed fit to attend and may even have the right to have you undergo an evaluation from their own staff. They can not just arbitrarily decide you are not ready without an explanation. My advice to you is to try and get that explanation from them. If they won't give it to you or their explanation does not seem reasonable, then get an attorney and fight for your rights. This assumes you are in fact recovered from the problems that precipitated your overdose and this has been confirmed by a mental health or substance abuse professional. Please get back to me and let me know what happens. Good luck. happy(everyonehasrights)shrink
Dear Happy, JeWitch got a new job at the Circle K Jr. High School working in the office. First thing she did was change the recording on the school phone system. I wrote down as much as I could. Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1; To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2; To complain about what we do - Press 3; To swear at staff members - Press 4; To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5; If you want us to raise your child - Press 6; If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7; To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8; To complain about bus transportation - Press 9; To complain about school lunches - Press 0; If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!" I don't think she's going to keep this job any longer than the others. What do you think? Edna Dear Edna, Well I think she might get a whole lot of support from the faculty and maybe the administration, but the school board which is about as clueless as their kids will probably suggest she find another line of work. I still think she would make a good waitress at a Jewish Deli in New York. happy(getyourownmustardbuster)shrink
Date: July 13, 2003
Hello Happyshrink, My name is R*****. I'm 16 and suffering from paranoia, anxiety and depression. These conditions are affecting me from being myself, especially the paranoia. In brief it happens to be that i have a very low self esteem, I'm extremely self conscious, have no or little confidence, I feel watched all the time. My paranoia is of people staring at me and everybody being against me! It feels like the whole world hates me, and when people stare they are messing with my brain, I get so paranoid, I can't stop thinking about what they could be thinking about me! I hate myself so much and need an increase in self esteem, I'm also gay and feel everybody hates me for this too! I feel completely blocked and I just can't be my real self because everybody will hate the real me, I mean if they already stare there must be something wrong with me and my personality already! The real me is more open and friendly I just suffer so much pain outside preventing the real me from showing, i feel hated, bullied, dominated, anxious, depressed and an overall mess. I've been bullied over the years and this makes me feel like what they have said is true. I get stared at by kids. It is also mainly being gay that prevents me from being myself I feel that nobody else like me is out there and I act strange when men and others stare at me. I withdraw because of fear. I cannot even be myself around my dad because I'm afraid of him because of his anger from the past and feeling like he is gonna express his anger now. If you wish to know more please contact me, I just wish I could be the real me, I hate looking in the mirror also and I just can't stand anything about myself, please please help me! I need to learn how to like myself and accept my sexuality etc. R***** P.S. I'm suffering so badly I just feel I wanna cry, I'm such a negative thinker I can't stop thinking negative and never see the positive, I cannot think positive it's nearly impossible and I'm always putting myself down so if you could help with this that would be great. I'm also trying to find a boyfriend but it feels like there's nobody gay out there. Could you help me here? Dear R*****, There are a lot of issues you have raised here and frankly, the Internet is not the place to deal with them. You need to speak with a counselor or therapist about how you are feeling. I know it may be difficult talking to your parents about these things but can you at least tell them how unhappy you are and that you need to speak with a counselor or therapist If you ask for help, my guess is that you are likely to get it from your parents even if you don't feel like you have a good relationship with them. Your family doctor may also be a good resource for getting the help you need. Is there a school guidance counselor or a teacher you feel you can talk to? All of these options are things you need to try R*****. I know that it will be hard for you to trust someone, but you really need to do it. All teenagers are struggling with their sexuality, their self esteem and their visions of the future. It isn't an easy time for anyone and for you it sounds like it's pretty intense. Get the help you need R*****. The world has many opportunities for you to become the person you want to be but it won't happen unless you work on it. Please let me know if you are getting some help and how it's going. happy(stillworkingonbeingthepersonIwanttobe)shrink
R comments about the "Boss from Hell" Dear Happy, I just wonder what he means by "I'm a pretty forceful boss." While you must treat employees equally, do you have to use the same management style with each of them? There are folks out there that may respond well to occasionally being yelled at. There are also folks out there who don't. Sometimes it's not the message that is the problem, but the means of delivery. Yes, expect those deadlines to be met. Give careful consideration as to how that information will be stated, both in words and tone of voice, and maybe decibels as well. Remember, you are on the same team. Just some thoughts. r. Dear r, If being a forceful boss is yelling at anyone, that's an abusive boss and should not be tolerated. Bosses have the right to be upset with you and to express their feelings but in a controlled and professional manner. As an employee you should have the same right as well as the same responsibility to act appropriately. You can be a forceful boss and still be respectful of your staff. Good bosses are respectful and consistent. So are good staff. Your point about having different styles for dealing with different people though is a valid one. Sometimes you have to modify your approaches to fit the different personalities of your staff. Some workers need more structure than others. Some may require training to be successful at their tasks. You do need to understand the individual needs and working styles of your staff and find ways of getting the most out of each person. That is not contradictory with being even handed and consistent. Thanks for your input r. I hope it's helpful to the "Boss from Hell." happy(speakingincalmvoice)shrink
Dear Happy, Well me, Harley an' The Earl an' Jewitch an' her new fiancey went to the movies. I wanted everything to go just right for him an' her, cuzzin' he be a real nice guy. So, I stole Mary's paper and picked out the one with the most stars. This one about 28 days Later had 3 stars. So off we go to the What Not Inn to get a buzz and head for the Regal Twin. They don't got no beer at the Regal Twin. We got big popcorns an' cherry Cokes. This 28 movie be bout monkeys that get red eyes from some virus and everybody gets red eyes too and chases the only 3 people in England that don't got it. Well, when the first man gets his head cut off, Jewitch yelled out Oy Vay! Then when the one guy who weren't with red eyes took a baseball bat to a little boy and blood squirted all over, Jewitch stood up an puked all over her fiancey. (Probably be that cherry Coke) Harley woke up a screamin' an' the kid with the white shirt an' tie come asking us to leave. We figure tweren't nobody gonna live through that movie anyhow, so we just left. When we got to the truck, Jewitch's fiancey be nowheres around. We waited a while, but he never showed. Jewitch said, "F**k him an' we went to the What Not for a real good time. Harley likes it better there. Gind Rinker Dear Gind, Wind also went to see 28 days. She had about as good a time as JeWitch. I didn't go and I think it saved me from getting puked on. Ya know our lives aren't all that different. happy(omigosh)shrink
Date: July 12, 2003
Happy, I work for a public agency that recently has been under investigation for employee misconduct and malfeasance. The accusations have merit and personnel actions are occurring. As part of getting the agency back in shape, I have been appointed to supervise one of the sections, the section with the general problems no less. Because of the ongoing issues, I have had to be a pretty a forceful boss putting in accurate employee accountability and evaluation tools. My problem is that I have one employee who has mental "issues" in dealing with a forceful or demanding authority (apparently stemming from an abusive parent) and basically "wigged out" when I requested that he complete an assignment within a deadline. When I say "wigged out," I mean one step toward the rubber room. In working with the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and his doctors, I am being identified as the devil himself. Really, all I did is request that he complete an assignment within a certain deadline. I made the assignment in writing and because of this, he feels that I think he is incompetent and "I want him dead." As part of his ongoing therapy he will be attending an extended outpatient program for a considerable period of time. The EAP program has already identified me as the boss from hell and stated he can't work with me. The employee in question is a valuable employee however is work output has only been marginal simply because his work has never been properly evaluated or monitored. My manager supports me completely, and I can't treat one employee differently then the others when it comes to accountability. It's my ass that is on the line. I also need the position because its duties are specific to our work requirements. I am urging my manager to have the employee report to me after his treatment, which my manager agrees with and the EAP disagrees with, either way, I told my manager we can't be a public day care agency for employees with mental issues. He agrees. I need the position, the expertise, and the professional work outputs within stipulated deadlines to bring about public trust in our agency. It offends me that I am being identified as the problem when the system is supporting the real problem, that is, he simply may not be suitable for his job. Whatever the outcome, which is out of my control, I will have to deal with this employee at some level, even if it's just crossing paths in the hallway. Do you have any wise advise in 1.) dispelling this perception that I am the boss from hell, and 2.) how can I professionally manage an employee who may at anytime be "triggered" by what he perceives as a forceful authority. I have requested in writing that he be professionally evaluated by a psychiatrist to determine if he is fit for duty, but being a public agency, a long drawn out process occurs before we can reach that point. I appreciate your advise. The Albuquerque Boss from Hell Dear Albuquerque Boss from Hell, I too am a boss and have to hold people accountable for their work or lack of it. Unless special accommodations have been deemed necessary through the Americans with Disabilities Act, all employees need to be treated the same way. Even people who are covered by the ADA are expected to do their work in a competent and timely manner. They may get extra time off or flexible hours and even special equipment to do their job more effectively but they still need to be productive. Even if your "employee from hell" was to be assigned another supervisor, he should still be held accountable for his work. After so many years of allowing dysfunctional behavior to exist, it is not easy to change behaviors. You can make procedural as well as policy changes but changing the work "culture" may take more time. EAP programs can be very effective tools for helping difficult employees with personal problems. It is important though for the roles of both the EAP and management to be clear. As a manager, you can refer people to an EAP and in some cases it can be mandated as a requirement for continued employment. You should not be involved or even made aware of an employee's diagnosis or specific psychological problems. That should not matter to you. What matters to you is that the work is getting done. In fact, you should be very clear to an employee who attempts to share with you his or her personal problems that while you are concerned about them, it is not your role to discuss such matters and the EAP is the place to do that. That position protects both you and your employees. The EAP may need feedback from you regarding the employees performance and even request special accommodations if they deem it necessary for an employee to be effectively treated for their problems. (Such an example might be requesting medical leave to enter a rehab program.) The EAP should not be involved in changing agency policy, performance expectations or accountability. The EAP should not be discussing with you the details of this individual's condition. (It sounds like you know way too much about this guys mental status). If the EAP believes that you are in fact harassing this employee, it can and should assist the employee in filing a grievance or even obtaining legal counsel. Jeeze! It's not easy being a boss. So how do you protect yourself? You do that by documenting that your behavior towards all your employees are consistent. You establish that memos with work assignments and deadlines are given to all your staff. I would also suggest that you make sure that employees who do their work in a timely and competent manner receive memos of recognition. That also helps you establish the fact that you use written communication as a means of acknowledging good work as well as problems. That's just good management. Feedback always needs to be balanced. Even your "employee from hell" should be acknowledged (in writing) that he possesses valuable knowledge and skills (which you have cited in your letter). One last thought about your situation Albuquerque Boss from Hell; government agencies are notorious for having poor productivity and allowing for some if not many people to be allowed to function incompetently. Politics exists everywhere but as you are well aware of, it exists even more in government agencies. Do what you are charged to do in getting your department running properly but be aware of the politics. Choose your battles and protect yourself. Please let me know what you think and update me on this situation. happy(sometimesbeingabossisHell)shrink
My 16 year old son suffers from depression. He is moody and feels hopeless about the future. He spends a lot of time on the computer. He was prescribed Lexapro several months ago but refuses to take it or any other medication for his problem. He says he does not want to change who or how he is. He just wishes he could find a girlfriend who loves him as he is, but because of how he is, that will never happen (very quiet and uncomfortable in social situations). It's a Catch 22, and he is miserable. We've tried to explain that it won't change who he is, just take the clouds away and clear his mind of the depression. He believes that it will help, but he does not want that kind of help. I've shared my concerns about suicide and not wanting him to be miserable for years. I don't know what else to do to convince him. Any ideas or alternative treatment? P.S. We are Christians and trust God. I don't know where you are with that, but we would appreciate Biblical counsel if possible. Thank you!! Very concerned Dear Very concerned, I am not qualified to give you any religious advice. I am sure your church can do that competently. I don't believe that the advice I can give you is in any conflict with your religious beliefs so hopefully it can be useful to you. Clearly at age 16 you can't make your son take medication or do anything that might help him if he's opposed to it. If you believe he is a danger to himself or others you can have him involuntarily hospitalized but it doesn't sound like his condition has reached anywhere near that point. The only other suggestion you might give him is to seek outside counseling. Perhaps his school can recommend a therapist or counselor who works with adolescents. He may not be willing to do this either but it's worth urging him to do so. By seeing someone outside of his family, it may free him up to share his thoughts and feelings without feeling that he's being judged. Teenagers often need someone to talk to that is neither a parent or other authority figure who can listen and be non-judgmental. Talk to your son's school guidance counselor or perhaps your family physician to see if there is someone in your community that can be of help. If the situation deteriorates to the point that you do fear for his safety, do not hesitate to take decisive action. Adolescence is a rough time for most kids. One who suffers from depression has it that much worse. Try to be as supportive and hopeful as you can but it is up to him accept help at this time. Good luck and please let me know how things are working out. happy(getsbywithalittlehelpfromhisfriends)shrink
Dear Happy, Some more JeWisdom for you and your readers. Took me years to discover these great tips. It is important that a man helps you around the
house and has a job. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, You mean you can get all of those things out of just four men? You are luckier than most women JeWitch. Edna needs 8 men just to help around the house. happy(timetotakeanap)shrink
Date: July 5 & 6, 2003
Happy and Wind are going on another road trip so here are the weekend entries a day early. Have a happy 4th of July! Dear Happy, Something is wrong with me. I seriously cannot think. When I try to make decisions I just can't do it. For example, I have a friend who has major guy problems and I wish I could help but I can't think of anything to say or do to make it better. I myself am having trouble with my relationship and I know he loves me but it’s like I can't determine the feeling I'm in. Another example is when I want to be happy I come out sad and irritated or if I want to show affection it's like I'm totally clueless to what's going on. I have no control over my feelings and I can't take it. Sincerely, Emotionless Dear Emotionless, What you are describing is far from emotionless. You have described yourself as sad, irritated, and confused. This could be signs of many things but I wouldn't even want to guess what it could be given the limited information you have given me. I would urge you so see a therapist to talk about what is going on in your life that's preventing you from making decisions and going forward. The therapist might also refer you for a psychiatric evaluation if there is an indication of a mood or anxiety disorder. Get the help you need now Emotionless. Perhaps that's also good advice to give to your friend as well. Good luck and let me know what happens. happy(fullofemotion)shrink
Dear
Happyshrink, I
met another one of the "matches" the dating I
am tired of being alone all the time , but all wasting
on being jealous is counterproductive, but I Sincerely, Judi Dear Judi, My first suggestion to you is try to be a little open minded about people and their "hobbies." The guy you dated may have had other things wrong with him but what you described is not that off the wall. He's got a creative hobby and I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't gotten back responses from the famous people he has sent his models to. Would you prefer a stamp collector? I know that it must be frustrating for you and I can certainly understand feeling jealous that others have managed to find someone in their life. All I can say Judi is keep trying! As long as you are trying, you are not a failure even though you may have 'failings." There are good people out there. Some may have idiosyncrasies but that alone doesn't make them weirdo's. Keep in mind that you last boyfriend seem very charming and we won't even go into his "hobbies." The other thing Judi is that you have your own baggage. Just as you need to find someone you can put up with, someone has to be able to put up with you too. Not all the time. Relationships (even good ones) are never perfect. As people get older, they are more set in their ways and their ability to adapt is more challenging. As long as you are trying to meet someone Judi and you are willing to see the glass as half full (it's never all full or all empty), you have the opportunity to find someone. Good luck and don't give up! happy(won'tgiveuponJudi)shrink
Dear Happy, You know how you have always told me that Bubba, the Earl, Snake and DUI would never do anything productive in their lives. Well I have to tell you that you are dead wrong. Bubba always liked fire engines because they were so shiny and red. So finally he and the boys signed up to become volunteer firemen right in our town. I know what you are thinking; why would they take a job and not get paid? Well it seems the fire house always has a refrigerator filled with beer so that the boys can cool off after they put out a fire. I'm really so proud of them. They look so handsome too in their fire fightin' uniforms. I just have to show you.
The only thing they got wrong was that they had the beer before they answered the fire alarm. They got a bit lost on the way but they did get there in time take this cool picture. Maybe next time they answer a call they will actually be able to put out the fire. Edna Dear Edna, Please be careful about smoking in bed. happy(doesn'tplaywithmatches)shrink
Dear Happy, Here is some "JeWisdom" on how to stay young: HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her. 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares? JeWitch ™ Dear JeWitch, I live in New York. Our rules are a bit different: 1. The essential numbers here are your ATM PIN, your License Plate and the ticket stub you get while waiting your turn at the deli counter. Life here is measured on how many legal parking spaces you are able to acquire in your lifetime. 2. The only cheerful people in New York are winos. 3. It's hard enough here to learn how to get in and out of the subways. 4. Nothing is simple in New York. 5. Laugh hard enough and someone is likely to mug you. 6. If you need to cry, do it in Jersey. 7. If you surround yourself with the things you love in New York, someone will steal it from you. 8. What's health? It aint happening in New York. 9. Guilt is sometimes the only reason to get out of bed! 10. Tell enough people you love them in New York and you'll end up in Bellvue. Please don't send this to anyone! happy(needingandgettingavacation)shrink
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