Letters April 1 -30, 2003

Happyshrink didn't post this weekend because he got married to WindnWillows! The "happy" couple (woohoo!) would like to thank everyone for their fond wishes and support. Happy will be back next weekend.

I'm almost positive my husband suffers from some form of mental illness. Possibly some form of bipolar disorder, I don't know. His symptoms are as follows: There is a cycle to his behavior of around one week, give or take a few days. It's been going on now for almost a year and gets worse every week it seems. At first I chalked it up to being his strong personality and Arabian culture but I think it's far beyond that. We've been married three years and used to enjoy a very active sex life. In the past year it seems like his sex drive is almost non-existent. It's gone from sex almost daily to a quickie maybe once a week, sometimes less. He claims he's just tired from working so much...which is a lot.

Anyway, life will be wonderful bliss for almost a week. He's so very sweet and kind and generous, attentive. Then, something snaps, usually it's over something extremely petty, for example this week I smoked one pack of cigarettes "over" what I was supposed to. When he tried to control me and start with his threats I told him this was ridiculous and why make a problem over this. I even apologized and told him I will try harder. NOPE! That wasn't good enough. His abusive behavior went on for days from there even though I remained "normal" and tried to act as if things were okay. When he's like this he will...refuse to eat with me or anything I cooked, even if he's hungry. He doesn't say anything unless it's to be cruel or very mean. He ignores me completely and tries to make the smallest things difficult. He becomes very self-centered and selfish. He becomes suspicious of me. He hides his money that he made from driving the cab, even though I have NEVER taken money from him. Then if I say anything to him about his behavior , the "threats" start...he's not giving me any money for my trip to go visit my children, he's not going out to buy me food, I can scrounge around the house and find what I find. He'll threaten and sometimes follow through with not going to work, thinking he's torturing me so he doesn't have any money to help me with life. He'll often sleep a lot for a day, maybe two. There is no reasoning with him at all. He believes I deserve everything I get and more. There is never an apology. Next thing you know, he drops everything, pretend it never happened and then I'm his lover and life and the best wife again. So Doc, off the top of your head, what would you diagnose this as? Please give me something Doc, anything. I know he needs a doctor but he won't go. Our marriage is hanging on by a thread. Thanks for listening!!!!

While your husband might be suffering from a mood disorder, as long as he will not admit he's got a problem, there is not much you can do about the situation. If in fact your marriage is hanging on a thread, you might want to consider giving him the options of individual therapy, marriage counseling or separation. While this may seem like a drastic move on your part, this pattern of behavior will not go away by itself. Without intervention and some acknowledgment on his part that there is a problem, you will continue to suffer. Stop the suffering now SD. Either insist he gets the help he (and you) need or move on. This may not be the answer you were looking for but I think that deep down you know this is what you have to do. Please feel free to write me again. Good luck.

I have been on Effexor XR 150mg for a year now. I moved to another state, which I had a 3 month supply. I had to take myself off these capsules, because I have no health insurance to see a doctor. It's been two weeks now, since I took myself off. My side effects have been minimum, until now. I'm dizzy all the time, stomach upset, can't sleep, I don't feel like my head is all there. My head feels very heavy. Any suggestions.... Thanks

Get yourself to a doctor. There are clinics everywhere that will charge on a sliding scale. If you are not working, you may qualify for Medicaid. If you are working, look into programs in your State that may provide low cost health insurance. There are resources available to you Helpless. You just have to find them. Look into family service agencies and mental health clinics in your area that can help you to access these resources. Good luck and let me know how you make out.

Hello,

I started taking Lexapro about 5months ago. At first it seemed great and it helped me feel a lot better but now I am feeling really tired all the time and today when I visited my allergy doctor my blood pressure was 88/60. Is this a common side effect of this drug? I know I should have told my allergy doctor I am on this medication but I didn't. I am not sure I want to keep taking it. I recently experienced two deaths in my family and my doctor thought it would help me get through this hard time. Thanks for any help you can give me.

Concerned

Fatigue is a side effect that is reported in about 5% of patients who take Lexapro. If you don't have a history of chronic depression or panic attacks and have only been taking it to get through the death of loved ones, I would consult your physician about discontinuing it. The less medication you need to function effectively, the better. Please let me know how things work out.

All of us here at the Circle K Trailer Park is celebrating Easter with our traditional Easter Picnic. It's a great time to clear out all that old food left in your refrigerator and let other folks get sick for a change. Actually I have become an expert on spoiled food and I want to share my wisdom with everyone so they can have a healthy Easter. Here are some guidelines to help you get through the holiday, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

* Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

* Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one)

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Happy Easter to you and your whole family (even Bubba). I do want to caution you that hamsters don't have long pink tales.

My name is S this is a problem that I have had for what I think is a long time but I'm not for sure. It seems like every disease I see on TV I'm afraid I'll get or I already have it. When ever I go on trips I get real nervous because I think I may need to use the bathroom a lot and one won't be available. I have a mitral valve and aortic valve prolapse and every time I get a little twinge in my chest I automatically assume it's a heart attack. The other day I saw on TV where a guy had a pulmonary embolism I automatically start to think I was going to have one. Is there some sort of help for me I'm really tired of living like this. Thank you.

Dear S,

In order to make an accurate diagnosis, a mental health professional would need more historical information about you as well as your full medical history. Giving it my best guess thought I would say that your condition may be an anxiety disorder or a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). There are medications that can reduce anxiety and make you feel less vulnerable. I would suggest you make an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if you can identify if you actually suffer from one of the disorders I mentioned or perhaps something else. There are medications that can reduce symptoms of OCD and anxiety. After a full evaluation, a psychiatrist will be able to suggest a treatment plan that could involve both medication and psychotherapy. Get the help you need now S so you don't have to live like this. Let me know what happens.

happy(everyoneneedssomehelp)shrink

I am in a lesbian relationship for four years. my girl friend has a codependent personality. she always wants to be in control. she does not let me do things on my own , she is a social worker and is always trying to save the world. does she really love me or is she trying to save me as well. Should I give her space so she can get help because it starting to effect our relationship. i feel that it has been a lie.

Your feeling that the relationship has been a lie after being together for four years is a very powerful one. It tells me that your relationship is in serious trouble. I would strongly recommend couples counseling to determine if your relationship can be salvaged or if it's time for the both of you to move on. Whatever individual issues the two of you may have may also require some work but I would start with couples counseling first. Good luck anon and let me know what happens.

Man, this really sucs. I have to write an letter before the end of the day and the darned button on my eyboard won't wor. I looed around and taled to everyone I now and not a single one of them nows how to fix the eyboard. Not yle, Mie, acey, not even ara. Some friends they are. Call me crazy, but little things lie that really tic me off.

In addition to that, next wee I have a to help my Granddaughter write a report due on Martin Luther ing, racism, and the lu lux lan. Now it's gonna tae me forever. She is going to ill me. This ind of thing happens all the time.

Maybe I can get a new one at -Mart, but that's another 50 bucs out of my pocet. I'm so aggravated, I could ic my computer right now. I thin it may be the time I noced a can of Coe over on the eyboard.

Oh well, I have always had a hard time eeping up with drins around my fucing computer. I guess I can iss that article oodbye. reat! Now my

I can think of a really great gift your son can give you for Mother's Day. No, not a computer; A pen and pencil set.

I am an adult male, 50's, with a complex set of disorders. I am a narcissistic, depressed, psychopathic pervert with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). I've had two LCSW's drop me because they weren't qualified to deal with me, latest one says it's up to me to change. On the surface you would not be able to tell anything is wrong or "different" about me. But underneath....

Also, my wife is always ridiculing me about the fact that I only wear fancy women's panties. My therapist said there was nothing wrong with it. She wonders why I want to be a woman. I don't. Just like silky, fancy panties.

I can't afford private treatment outside of my employee HMO. Any thoughts on what I can do?

We have a daughter who we have finally figured out with some expert help she has attachment disorders is also cutting herself. Can you tell me where I can find information on this problem (cutting)? She is 17years old and we have asked her to move out when turns 18 so our house can return to some form of norm again. We know she needs help but if she hears this from us she will not listen. We are working on how to get her to get the help she will need to ever be able to live a half way normal life. This attachment problem had been tearing our family apart for years now. Thank you for your time.

There is a good bet that your daughter suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This condition is marked by at least five of the following descriptors:

BPD is most often a result of trauma and/or abuse (sometimes physical and more often sexual). Often accompanying BPD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which may also exhibit the above symptoms. If you have sought professional help for your daughter, I would be surprised if these issues have not come up during family interviews. Understanding what happened to your daughter is an important part of the therapeutic process both for her as well as your entire family.

There are a number of very good web sites that contain articles, chat groups, and other resources. Here are three that might help your family as well as your daughter: (You can click on them to access the individual site.)

If the above symptoms sound like your daughter, she needs desperately to be in treatment with Mental Health professionals who specialize in working with BPD. Probably the most effective treatment modality is something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). For more information about DBT and how it works as well as some DBT resources, click here.

In addition to getting professional help, there are many support groups for individuals like your daughter. It would be very helpful for her to realize that these problems are not just unique to her and there are others out there who are struggling too. The above web sites I listed have some support group resources. I would also check family service agencies and mental health clinics in your area to find out where there might be a group close by.

Lastly M, I realize that your daughter's condition has created a difficult and chaotic environment in your home. While getting her out of the house may calm things down somewhat, your daughter's condition will be at higher risk if she is by herself. The risk of serious injury and even suicide is substantial. I would also guess that there are problems in your home that may have nothing to do with your daughter's condition but has gotten lumped together with her behavior because it creates a simple answer to a very complex situation. To this end, I would strongly recommend family therapy for all of you. It sounds to me like you all need it. Please feel free to respond and let me know what you think.

Dear Happy Shrink,

My ex is now dating a girl that looks just like me only she is about 10 years younger. lol and I was interested in why he would do such a ridiculous thing when he always complained about how I looked? Do you think he is still in love with me? Or is he just trying to piss me off!? lol

C***

Dear C***,

I don't really know what your husband's motive is but by the "sounds" of the "lols" he seems to have done a good job to piss you off. Perhaps it's time to stop wondering about his motives and focus on getting your own needs met. Perhaps a nice guy (10 years younger, older or anywhere in between) would serve that purpose. Remember C***. He is your Ex! Analyzing what could have should have or would have happened in your relationship is water under the bridge. My advice to you is to find ways to feel good about yourself and not worry about what he thinks of you. Good luck and if you want to write me again (with or without lols) please feel free to do so.

happy(andfeelingbetteraboutmyselfeveryday)shrink

Concerning your answer to Judiblueye's recent question, when exactly do the cows come home? Nobody I've talked to seems to know.

It's nice hearing from you and even nicer knowing that you still take a look at the web page every now and then. I think the cows usually come home when they need to be milked. Isn't that an utterly frightening thought?

PS. Wind and I are getting married. No joke. There.... I said it. Now all of you know about it!

Thank you for your help, just want my husband not to worry about this.

Dear CJ,

Prozac and Xanax are commonly used in conjunction with one another. I do want to warn you that Xanax can be highly addictive and is not recommended for long and sustained periods of time. Termalgin is a Tylenol with Codeine medication used to relieve pain. It too should not be used on a long term basis as it is a narcotic, but it can help to reduce your headache symptoms.

I don't know if there is a history of other medications being used to relieve headache symptoms and if those symptoms are directly related to your depression. I don't know if you are being treated by a psychiatrist or by your family physician but I would strongly advise you to be evaluated by a psychiatrist if you have not been. The medications you are taking need to be monitored very carefully and the source of your headaches need to be determined CJ. Medication can help relieve some of your symptoms but it may not be the answer to all of your problems. Get evaluated by a psychiatrist and if you have don't that already, get a second opinion. It will help you and your husband worry less and perhaps give you some other option for treating your condition. Good luck and let me know how things turn out.

happy(neveratalossforasecondopinion)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I signed up for one of those dating services. They gave me a bunch of psychological tests and told me that this would allow them to match me up with people who are just like me. I've met several of my "matches". Apparently I am a 400 lb chain smoking unemployed gambling addict who barely made it out of high school.

Sincerely,

Judi(alsoincrediblygulible)blueye

Dear Judiblueye,

Other than barely making it out of high school, doesn't that profile fit your ex-husband? For what it's worth, I think you're better than that Judi. But I can say that from now until the cows come home. It has to come from within. Dr. Peabody was right. Think good thoughts about yourself and the next psychological profile you submit will match you up with educated, sophisticated hunks with great jobs and vivacious personalities. (kinda like me...cough..cough).

happy(incrediblygullibletoo)shrink

Just a note about my thought of the day about war for the benefit of cnot and others who might have found my comment disturbing to them. I support every American and coalition troop and pray for their safe and speedy return. As far as my comment about hating war, I will not shy away from that. I hope all of us hate war including the brave men and women who have to fight in them. I do think there are people who get a real rush over this just like they are watching a cowboys and Indians movie. They don't look at the people who aren't coming back and leaving widows and orphans behind. On a cable program I was listening to, a caller was unhappy that we didn't have an Iraqi "death count" because he wanted to keep score. That's who my comments were directed to. Equally, I have nothing but contempt for peace advocates who are provocateurs and resort to violence during demonstrations. How can you be so committed to peace when so much of your rhetoric is centered around hate? It is the ultimate oxymoron.

To be honest, I was opposed to going to war, and still disagree with the reasons why we invaded Iraq. I am not a pacifist and do believe that war is sometimes necessary for the purpose of eliminating evil and true threats to to world. I also despise Saddam Hussein as I do the President of North Korea, the leadership of Iran, Osama Bin Laden and al-Qaeda as well as thugs and terrorists all over the world. I supported the war in Afghanistan as it was clear that tens of thousands of al-Qaeda terrorists were using it for training and there was reliable proof that Bin Laden was being allowed to us it as a base of operation.

While Iraq is a country that has an oppressive regime and does have its share of terrorists, the Gulf war of 1991 (another war I supported) reduced Saddam Hussein's arsenal, his Air Force (there hasn't been a single Iraqi fighter plane used during this war) as well as his ability to procure arms. Whatever weapons of mass destruction Saddam Hussein possesses at this point are not viable threats to other countries. Since the first Gulf War, Saddam Hussein has been unable to leave his own country and is considered an outcast among Arab nations. Other than his annoying rhetoric, I haven't seen compelling reasons to commit hundred of thousands of coalition troops and well over a hundred billion tax dollars to remove him from power. There could have been cheaper and more effective ways of ousting Hussein even though it may have taken more time to develop a resistance force and intelligence network inside Iraq to accomplish this goal.

All that being said, now that we are there, I support our troops and our allies. I hope the war comes to a swift conclusion with a minimal loss of life. I hope the objective of ousting a corrupt and evil regime is successful. I still have questions and concerns that only time can answer.

1.What will our role in this war do to our relationship with other Arab nations?

3.Will another generation of terrorists be cultivated though fear and hatred of America as a result of this war?

4.How long will be have to commit "peacekeepers" and send resources to Iraq once Saddam Hussein's government is ousted? Is the cost to our troubled economy worth it? (The war in Iraq just got a $75,000,000,000 appropriation from congress while New York City got an $11,000,000 appropriation for homeland security. Am I the only person troubled by those numbers?

5.What are we going to do to ensure peace in the middle east between Israel and the Palestinians?

6.What are we doing to ensure a homeland security that will enable us to exercise life liberty and the pursuit of happiness without duct tape?

In conclusion, lets not lose sight of the two most important things about America. We are a democracy that allows and encourages debate. It is our strength as a nation and not a weakness. Let's argue ideas and ideals but never condemn someone who merely disagrees with us.

I hope this smooths over some ruffled feathers and better yet provides a forum to discuss other points of view.

This is a difficult situation you are in. You need to focus on your own problems and you also need to assure your sons that you are coming back. I would stress the fact that you have an "illness" (most rehab programs use an illness model for treating substance abuse.) and that you are going away to get better. Promise them that you are coming home and that you will write to them every day. When you have phone privileges I would call them as often as you can. When you do write them, tell them how much you love and miss them and also let them know that you are getting better. Your reassurances before, during and after your rehab will go a long way to help both you and them cope with the situation.

I hope your rehab is successful kim. You have at least two good reasons to get rid of your addiction and probably even more reasons. Please let me know how things work out for you and your kids. Good luck.

I've wanted to say this for about 18 years now - I don't want to take baths with my sister anymore. I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but I'm the only guy in my senior class who still bathes regularly with his little sister.

It's enough that we share a small bedroom. The few friends I still have all make fun of me because a few weeks ago I told them about it. I thought co-ed sibling bathing was the normal thing to do.

So I think now is a good time to address this situation. To be honest, awkward bath-time moments between us have increased in frequency and intensity ever since she turned fifteen and began her rapid development into a young woman. And really, we both don't fit into the bathtub like we did when we were kids. There's lots of bumping and confusion, which makes our baths take even longer.

I hope you understand what I'm saying here and will have a talk with mom for me. I still love her very much. Now it's just I love her for more than a sister.

I know your mom is a strong advocate of conservation as well as her desire for all of you Hoppenstadders to be close as a family. I do agree with you that it's high time that you had the opportunity to take a bath all by yourself. I will talk to your mom about this. On the bright side at least she isn't taking baths with the two of you anymore. I believe that stopped about 2 years ago. Be patient Andie, and ignore all those jealous.... I mean stupid friends who make fun of you.

Postings from April 1-30, 2003