Postings from November 1-30, 2002
Date: November 30, 2002
Dear Readers, Happy isn't feeling very well today and can't do his web page. He hopes that he will be feeling better by tomorrow, though.
Date: November 27, 2002
Happy Thanksgiving
Dear Happy Shrink, I have seen the same psychiatrist for four years. For a while, the first two years, things were fine... Now, I have a problem. I find him very attractive. I can't really pay attention to his words... just HIM. *pant* *pant* He is a real hotty!!!! Do you have any suggestions on how I can quell this little problem? sandy Dear Sandy, It isn't very unusual for individuals to find their therapists or psychiatrists attractive and appealing. On the whole, they are kind empathetic people who listen to your problems, are non-judgmental, caring and supportive. Who wouldn't want those qualities in lover? Add to the mix that he's a real "hotty" and it's not surprising you feel this way. Unfortunately, its not doing your treatment any good and hopefully, any fantasies you have will not be realized. (There are some people who do manage to get emotionally and/or sexually involved with their therapists and the outcomes are never good!). I don't think you can quell this problem Sandy, but you can deal with it. Your feelings towards your psychiatrist is a part of the treatment process. I think you have to talk to him about it. You need to either resolve it in your treatment or move on to another psychiatrist. Having spent 2 years just fantasizing about him and not getting anything out of therapy is an awful waste of time and money. It's up to you Sandy, but there are cheaper ways to get your fantasies fulfilled than seeing a hot psychiatrist. I hope you find not only a cheaper means but a healthier one as well. Good luck and please feel free to write me again. happy(nochargeforfantasizinghere)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, It's official! Cox beat Peters in the race for Attorney General in Michigan. They finally certified the election today. (I know you were dying to know!) Judi Dear Judi, Thanks for letting me know the outcome. As far as I'm concerned, most politicians are D**ks anyway. happy(stilllookingforagoodpolitician)shrink
Date: November 24, 2002
Dear Happy, I have been having some really bad dreams lately, I'm sending these dreams. I hope you have time to help me with this! In one I was on a mountainside and came upon a rotting corpse with maggots. In another I had a piece of broken glass in my eye and it was bleeding. I've been having lots of bad dreams lately but these two things really stick in my mind. Sad Dreamer Dear Sad Dreamer, Here are some "guesses" as to what they may be about. I don't know enough about you or your situation to give you more than that. In your first dream you come upon a rotting corpse. Something close to you has died yet hasn't been buried and is covered with maggots. Perhaps this represents a relationship, a career interest or even something material. It's time to bury this part of your life and move on. In your second dream you have a piece of broken glass in your eye and it is bleeding. One message is that your eyesight is impaired. You are not seeing the full picture of what is going on in your life and as a result you continue to bleed. It's time to stop the bleeding Sad Dreamer and see out of both eyes. Please write me back and let me know if anything I have suggested fits your situation. Good luck! happy(20-20withglasses)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I had a date last night with a man I met on the "FatchicksOnly.com" dating service. He was quite handsome, well dressed, polite and was able to carry on a lucid conversation. The Problem? I had such terrible gas the entire time we were together, I am sure he must have thought he was sitting next to a methane bottling plant! Do you think this was some sort or primitive defense mechanism in order to ward off a nice man, or was it something I ate? (I haven't eaten chili or cabbage or any other known problem foods recently). Sincerely, Judi(TOOTTOOT)blueye Dear Judi, Anxiety can have an effect on your digestive system and can be the cause of "some" of your flatulence. As far as why you were tooting all night long, you would have to look further into what you ate that might be causing your gas. You should also ask your doctor if any medications you are on may be the cause for excess gas. In the future, it might be a good idea to take a few "Gas-X" pills before you go on a date. The other advice I have for you is to date cowboys. They like rootin-tootin women! There is another bright side to this story; at least you stopped smoking. I can't tell you for sure if your tooting has ruined any chances of you getting another date from this man, but spontaneous combustion would have definitely ended it for sure. Good luck Judy. Just remember, my significant other's chat name is "Wind!" That should give you a little hint about something. happy(inmyrootintootinrelationship)shrink
Date: November 23, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, I am doing some research on body modification and I have a couple questions I was hoping you could help me out with! In your opinion, why do some people go to the extent of amputating their own toes? Why do they like to get suspended in air by their skin with metal hooks? Why do some people want to castrate themselves? I just do not understand! Have you ever spoke to a body modifier? Have they explained why this underground subculture is growing? Thank you! Becky Dear Becky, Body modification has gone on since the dawn of man. Religion and culture are certainly the most significant factor in this process. Circumcision, ear and other body piercing, foot binding, scarring and tattooing have all come into being as a result of various religious and cultural rites of passage. While many of these practices were originally done by primitive societies and are no longer considered fashionable, some of them have endured. In modern times, many modification practices are accepted and even encouraged. If you think of body modification as a part of human nature, then it can be influenced by alienation, identity crises, cult or gang affiliations and other modern social dynamics. While most body modification is within socially accepted boundaries, some go beyond the limits. Individuals who would engage in mutilation such as amputations, castrations and scarring are often individuals who are on the fringes of society and may have serious difficulty "fitting in." Everyone needs to have something to identify themselves with. If you are struggling with identity issues the idea of developing an identity through body modification can be appealing. In my opinion, I don't believe that severe forms of body modification is healthy but society often defines what is healthy or "normal." (normal is my least favorite word). Time will determine if these subcultures continue and grow. I certainly would hope that many of them fail, but it's anyone's guess. I hope my thoughts are helpful to you Becky. Good luck on your research. happy(wouldliketoamputatehisbelly)shrink
Methos responds to K's letter: Dear happy, I would like to respond to K's letter. There use to be a family that lived next door to us, the man worked hard all day, the wife worked off and on, and their three boys went to school. The man would work from morning till night and when he got home very rarely did his wife have any house work done, dinner cooked, the kids fed, cleaned or helped with their homework. When she got paid, which was seldom she went out and bought herself outfits, makeup, drugs, and maybe somethings for the kids. When she didn't work, she took her husbands money and went on shopping sprees, drug runs, and ran around with other men. He put up with it because she was the mother of his children, even though she really didn't act like much of a mom. She finally ran off with another man, and the husband stayed with the kids and worked hard. It was very hard on the children to see their mother act this way. They wanted her to love them, but she was more interested in many other things. On February 14th 1998, the oldest boy, who was thirteen at the time, committed suicide. It was the two younger boys that found him. Shortly after that family moved away, but we still keep in touch with the man and the kids. The man never divorced the wife. She has been to prison, and in and out of institutions and drug rehabs. She runs around with any man she can find, and when she does run back home to stay for a while, she steels from the husband and the kids, yells screams and treats everyone very badly. You may ask why he keeps letting her come back. Well, he still says, "Because she's the mother of my children." My husband and I have both tried to tell
him that he is not doing himself or those children any good by allowing
her to continue this way. If he and the kids are to have any chance
at all, he has to let her go. I am really hoping one day he can. Hoping K can find the strength to free himself and his children. Dear Methos, Thanks for sharing that story with K. I also hope that your friend and K do what is best for themselves and their children. happy(everyonehastomaketheirownchoices)shrink
Date: November 20, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, My wife is on Paxil for depression. She used to be quite abusive to the children but she seems to be more in control in that area but it hasn't helped in others. She steels money from our children, their schools, sports teams, my business customers, etc. She also does next to nothing at home. When she gets home from work which is an infant day care center that is run by the State of California she sits and watches the TV or plays computer / PS2 games. She won't do housework, yard work, cook, clean, help the kids with homework etc. She also has bounced every check she has written in the past 6 months since she got her own checking account and when some company gives her a credit card she will max it out within 30 days and go over the limit then never pay the bill. As soon as her paycheck is direct deposited into her account she runs to the bank and takes out all the money and spends it on fast food, video games, toys etc. We have been talking about it and a month ago she asked me to take over her checking account, give her $50.00 each week and take care of the mess she has caused. So we agreed to this and her next check was this last Friday. She immediately ran to the nearest ATM and took out $280 to take care of two bounced checks that she had written to the kids PTA for some catalog orders. She also wrote a check for $80.00 for makeup. We talked about this Saturday and she said she was done and would leave the rest alone which was $140. She took that out last night and spent it on new pants for her and our children that they really didn't need and spent the rest on fast food while I was at school. This money problem has been going on for 15 years that we have been married and before. Is this a psychological problem that can be dealt with? I don't know what to do. K Dear K, It is hard for me to respond to your letter by answering whether or not your wife has a psychological problem. After fifteen years of dealing with abuse and dishonesty, why are you still trying to fix things? If you wife is as out of control as you have described, perhaps you need to think about protecting yourself and your kids from her. I won't venture a guess as to what is wrong with her but I can tell you that it can't be fixed quickly if at all. On some level, your putting up with her broken promises and reckless behavior has enabled her to continue. No matter what she has done in the past, you have put up with it; even her abusing the kids. What motivation has she had to change when she is always rescued? It's time to do what's best for you and your kids K. That may mean speaking with an attorney and getting out of this relationship. I understand that fifteen years is a long time and it's not going to be easy, but the situation is likely to continue unless you take control of a situation that has been out of control for too long. Please feel free to respond K. Maybe there is something more here that you are not telling me but if what you are saying is true, you need to stop the bleeding. The damage to you and your kids continues. Good luck. happy(thetimetoactisnow)shrink
Date: November 17, 2002
Hi Happy, Is there a cure for internet addiction? Or if cut off from the internet will the person just find another thing to fixate on? And is it typical to see an addiction like this as a symptom of depression? Thanks, cnot Dear cnot, It is important to remember that the Internet is not the disease. Addiction is the disease and anyone can have an addiction. For some people the Internet is an escape from the "eyeball to eyeball" world. Many people with addictions including Internet addiction are clinically depressed and use their addiction as a way of "medicating" themselves. While I believe that this is more common with substance abuse addictions, it can also be true of Internet addiction. Perhaps another way of looking at this addiction is considering how people see a glass of water as being half empty or half full. Some people can enjoy the half full glass of water while others will try to fill the half empty void. The Internet can fill that void for a time, but eventually like all addictions, its effectiveness diminishes and one has to increase their dosage to make it work. I do believe that people who suffer from Internet addiction would find another thing to fixate on if there was no Internet. Our high tech entertainment oriented society affords many opportunities for addiction including video games, television, home shopping network, movies, etc. Depression continues to be the most prolific mental illness affecting as much as 20% of our population and addictions is one way to deal with it. I hope I have answered your question cnot. Please continue to write. happy(inrecoverfromhisInternetaddiction)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I just have a question you may or may not know or maybe you can give me direction. It is regarding my husband and his anger problem. I have been married for 18 years and his problem has been getting increasingly worse. As a child he saw a shrink, that did not work. He has been on Paxil for about 2 years and that helps a little. His father use to have a bit of a anger problem when he was younger but has either dealt with it well or has outgrown it well. My husband's mother thinks it could be from head trauma when he was young. I think it could be a chemical imbalance. I just do not know where to start? Let me explain a bit more about the anger I am talking about. It sometimes is just out of the blue he just explodes about nothing, on the road he is so worried about other drivers and "how stupid they are" road rage. He has been known to chase cars down for something as simple as turning on their high beams on when not needed. Cussing people out and threatening them bodily harm when someone walks in front of them in line at the supermarket. I can go on and on. Usually he feels real stupid afterwards but its to late to change what has happened. I don't even know if you are the person I should be talking to or not If not can you please give me some direction to turn to .Thank you. GT Dear GT, You husband's condition sounds more like a personality disorder than depression or anxiety. He may experience depression and/or anxiety as symptoms of his personality disorder and Paxil is a good medication for treating these symptoms. As far as treating a personality disorder, the challenge is much greater. If I had to guess, the roots of this disorder comes from his childhood. Perhaps his own father's anger (and perhaps brutality) has modeled your husband's response to stressful events. There are anger management groups that help individuals who suffer from such a problem to express their frustrations in other ways and find other alternatives to explosive and abusive behavior. I would strongly recommend that your husband find such a group to participate in. While you haven't asked me about yourself I feel compelled to ask you if your husband's behavior has adversely affected you and your marriage? Has he threatened you or possibly been physically violent? Has his behavior affected your children in an adverse way? Do you feel unsafe or in danger at times? Do you ever feel trapped or under his control? If you have answered yes to any of my questions, you need to look at your own situation more than how you can help him. You may be in greater need of help and I would urge you to seek some counseling. Please write me back and let me know what you think. happy(safetyfirst)shrink
Dear Happy, Like it or not .. I saw someone decorating their front yard for Christmas ..THANKSGIVING HASN'T EVEN PASSED .. But anyway .. Trying to remain calm. May as well start the holiday season with some JeWisdom. I call this ..Gift Giving Tips For Men .. or The worst gifts a man can buy a woman. 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and who needs a man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.) 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart. 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys." 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas. 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend). 6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names. 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.) 8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like wearing white after Labor Day. 9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I'm not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories. 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I just want to remind you that while we are almost six weeks away from celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah is just two weeks away and the traditional Hanukkah gift is MONEY. (aka Hanukkah gelt) That seems to work for everybody as long as there's enough of it to go around. happy(stickthatinyourdreydal)shrink
Date: November 16, 2002
Dear happy, I have been going through a divorce for over a year now. I have been married to my husband for over 33 yrs. It was a very dysfunctional marriage, he cheated on me, beat me you name it, I swore if I ever had the support & strength to leave him I would never go back to him. I am seeing another man now who has a teen age daughter and in his mind she can do no wrong. It seems like the only time I see him is on the weekends for 2 to 3 hours on Friday or Saturday night. All we do is sit at my home & watch TV. The minute she calls & says she needs him to pick her up, he's out of there. He's always saying things like next week I will take you to dinner or we can go out but when next week comes it's like he has amnesia & just content to stay in my house & have me cook for him. He never ask me out on a real date. This has gone on for almost a year now. This past summer I got so tired of the situation that I went back to my husband who has been trying to get me back, he knows about this other man. I thought I would try too make it work with my husband since we had been married for over 33 yrs. I have told this other man about how I feel about the way I feel our relationship is going. I tell him I feel used, and I want to spend more time with him, he says we will work on these things & that he will change and that he loves me and does not want to loose me, but things don't change. I love him & am in love with him. He is a good person. He does not drink, smoke or do drugs, and I have not ever caught him in a lie. My husband is a chronic liar. Ii am always doing for him & his daughter oh by the way he is not married. He has had quite a few relationships but they don't last for more than a few months. I tell myself I really don't care what we do as long as I can have a few hours a week with him. He is very good looking & nice to me. Sometimes I question myself if I really am in love with him or just infatuated with his good looks & body. I don't think I would have gone back to this other man if he had not called me & asked me to, he made me feel so guilty for leaving him. He says he want's us to get married after I get divorced but I question if he really means it, I don't know if he really loves me like he says or am I just being used. I'm 50yrs old and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but on the other hand I don't want my husband & I'm tired of the way my relationship is going with this other man. After being with him for just a few hours & he leaves I feel empty inside and all I do is think about him. Please give me your opinion on this. s Dear s, I really understand how you feel about not wanting to be alone for the rest of your life. Especially since you got married at such a young age and went from your family's home into marriage. That really didn't give you a whole lot of time for self discovery. The marriage was dysfunctional all those years and it has clearly had an impact on your perception of others as well as yourself. You say this new man in your life has never lied to you. Perhaps he has not told you the same kind of lies as your husband has, but he has lied to you. He has broken promises (selective amnesia) and continues to string you along with the idea that once your divorce comes through he's going to want to marry you. Look at his pattern of recent relationships s. They have never lasted for more than a few months. The only reason your relationship with him has lasted for over a year is that you have accepted a relationship that is going nowhere. I would guess that most of the other women saw his inability to make a real commitment and moved on. There has to be a better alternative for you than choosing between this guy and your soon to be ex-husband s. Before you can be in a healthy relationship there is another person who you need to get to know; YOURSELF! If the only way that you feel whole is by having to be with another person, you will never be fulfilled the way you want to be. Relationships that are built upon dependancy are never fulfilling s. They just satisfy basic needs for a time and then make you feel empty, just like both your husband and this new man make you feel. You need to feel whole without anyone before you can really be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I would really urge you to get yourself into therapy so that you can explore how you got to this point in your life and how you can work to become whole again. There is a world of difference between being alone and being lonely. Get the help you need to feel good enough about yourself that being alone will be a special time with someone you love (yourself!) rather than being a problem that needs fixing. Perhaps then you can find someone who will be an enhancement to your life and not a victimizer. Good luck s. Please write me again. happy(allbyhimselfaswellaswithmysignificantother)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I have been on the anti depressant drug Seroxat for six years taking a daily dose of 60mg for most of this time. While I was pregnant I was advised against lowering or stopping this dose and after the baby was born she was breast fed. I found it very hard to wean her off the breast and even after a few months of no breast at all she still pesters for it. Since weaning her off her behaviour has spun out off control and at almost 3 she is getting very violent towards me and others around her especially close friends and siblings. Can you tell me whether this is due to having withdrawal effects because she was obviously getting a small amount of the drug through my milk. What are the side effects that she might experience? Nobody seems to know. I hope you can help me I am at my wits end. Thank you. WD Dear WD, Seroxat, also known as Paxil is an SSRI antidepressant that is excreted into breast milk. Very often, women who need to continue their medication during and after childbirth are encouraged not to breast feed because of the excretion of this medication into their breast milk. The risks of taking Seroxat during the time you were pregnant and while you were breast feeding should have been explained to you in detail. The choice of whether or not to continue this medication should have been yours after knowing all the facts including the affects it would have on your own condition as well as your baby's condition. I can't tell you for sure if your daughter's behavior is a function of withdrawal from Seroxat. Symptoms of withdrawal can vary greatly from child to child. I would suggest that you have your child evaluated at a clinic that specializes in early childhood developmental conditions. Such a clinic would be able to identify what is happening with your daughter developmentally and what steps need to be taken to help her. You can't undo the past WD but you can act quickly and decisively to ensure a better future. Get your daughter the help she needs. Please let me know what you find out. Good luck. happy(likesallthefacts)shrink
Dear Happy, I have finally come upon the perfect combination of luck an' xpertise for me an' Momma to become rich an' famous. Did you ever see them psychics who tells people what their dead love ones is sayin' behind their backs? Well, I "pulled a fast one" traded The Earl's Harley for a old school bus whilst he was on a fishin' trip with DUI. Momma an' me painted the outside purple an' put "Momma's Mobile Sayances" on the side. I put our telephone number on the side too. I'm makin' Momma a big purple velvetty cape. We is gonna git rich talkin' to peoples' dead family. Now I knows what you be thinkin', what if the dead ghosts don't want ta talk ta Momma? Ha! no problem. Momma just says....I see a tall man.....I sees somethin' blue......There is some gold jewelry.....There is some ketchup........a child..... Peoples fill in the blanks an' hand you the money. We kin do fortunetellin' too. Let me see your palm. Put some money in it. Works like a charm. I watched 'em on TV. If we don't get a lotta work doin' this, we could do shrinkin' like you, only home delivery. Gind Rinker Dear Gind, If you want to become a fortune teller, that's fine and I wish you and Momma the best. As far as shrinking is concerned, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! I am a trained professional and I have years of experience give worthless advice to clueless people like you, the Earl, DUI, Bubba, Edna and JeWitch. So just keep to crystal ballin' and I'll keep to shrinkin'. happy(shrinkydink)shrink
Date: November 13, 2002
Hello Happyshrink, My 11 year-old brother still sleeps with his mom. I have repeatedly told her he is too old to share a bed with her, but she insists that it will have no negative effects on him. Could you tell me if this is healthy for him or not? And if it's not healthy, could you give me some information to show my mom so that she can see this for herself. I'm concerned about the well-being of my family. My parents' divorce was final about a year ago, and my brother has been sleeping with her since my parents separated Thanks, LN Dear LN, While I can understand why it is happening, I think you do have reason to be concerned. While your brother sleeping in the same bed as his mother does not constitute abuse, it is inappropriate at his age. It almost sounds to me that he is doing this to fulfill your mothers needs. While I don't think that physical incest is going on, emotional incest is a real possibility. Your brother is now the little man of the house and is needed to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. I know this is a difficult situation for you to be in, but if I were you, I would try to speak with a guidance counselor in your brother's school. Perhaps they will try to intervene, especially if your brother is having adjustment difficulties in the classroom. Other options might be to speak with your family physician or a trusted family friend. Please let me know what happens. happy(andconcernedtoo)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I was wondering if you think that I act like a Jewish Mother. Here are some Q and A's and let me know if it fits me? JeWitch Q:
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Well you do drink (but suffer just the same) and I can't imagine you sitting in the dark. Other than that, you fit the description of a perfect Jewish mother. happy(myperfectJewishmotherisrestinginpeace...orturningoverinhergrave)shrink
Date: November 10, 2002
My name is James and when I was 7 years old I was hung by two kids that lived down the road from my childhood home. Ever since this happened growing up I was unable to swallow properly. I would have to spit out most of my food and then as it progressed I lost the ability to swallow. The physical reasoning I understood but as time progressed I couldn't understand the mental fears. At 18 I had gotten food stuck in my throat at a restaurant with my father and the floor staff did not know how to do preform the Heimlich maneuver. The food was lodged for about three minutes. Again I was unconscious but finally the food was freed by the cook. The ability to swallow was worsened. I had dropped weight to look like a skeleton. I am 33 years old now and am still being treated. I have been put on antipsychotics and other medications to control my thinking process that makes me able to swallow better along with three cans of Ensure a day. I still fight the thoughts of choking but it is better on the medications. Ever since the incident was documented in a medical record. I have been diagnosed with O.C.D., PTSD and having schizophrenic episodes. I just wondered why I have gotten such a severe chemical imbalance from an oxygen loss? Thank you.... James Dear James, The trauma of having been hanged and perhaps almost killed at age seven seems to be the precipitating event for most of your problems. I don't know how much damage was done to your esophagus and trachea but probably a combination of physical damage as well as psychological trauma has contributed to this condition. I'm not sure that oxygen loss has had anything to do with it. I do know that OCD as well as psychotic episodes can occur as a result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Anxiety seems to be an underlying issue in your life. The fear of not being able to breathe is understandable given your traumatic experiences. The fact that medication is helping is a good sign. I don't know if you are in treatment for your PTSD but I would suggest you either see a therapist or look into support groups for people who have experienced childhood trauma. Knowing that there are other people who share some of your anxious feelings and finding out how they cope can be helpful for you at this time. Let me know what you think. happy(toshare)shrink
Dear Happy, I have been afraid to write to you since the last time I so obviously screwed up, but these past few weeks, well longer than that, have been extremely emotional. I have found myself wandering the Internet trying to find someone to communicate with but I just don't, and family is out of the question, I am already considered the family nut. Therapy is what it is, group goes on and on, and I am to the point I want to stop all of it and just walk off into the distance somewhere. I haven't even called my psychiatrist; why? All these people have the same answer, and none of it helps. I see everyone struggling around me, and
inside I feel like it's my fault. I had a dream last night where
something in my head told me to turn down the volume. All these
people were talking and doing things around me, and all I had to do was
turn down the volume. I did just a little at first, then more, then
more. Pretty soon I heard nothing, and the people became streaks of
light dancing around me. Is this possible Happy? Dear Meth, Anything is possible in dreams. The question is, "What does it mean in reality?" I'm not really sure what it means other than you feel very guilty and responsible for your own as well as everyone else's misfortune. You are not. Yes, people are concerned for you, but the pain you feel is not something you willfully created. You would like for the volume to be turned down in your life but by doing so you shut people out and perhaps they become streaks of light. You need people in your life but how do you keep them there without it becoming overwhelming and burdensome? There is no easy answer Meth. You are doing what you need to be doing. You are seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. You are working and trying to cope. I hope you will continue to write to me. I can't be here for you 24/7 but I will always answer your letters as best I can. happy(stillyourfriendasIhavealwaystoldyou)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I wanted to tell you about the excitement here in Michigan, politically speaking. The only race that was too close to call was between COX and PETERS for the Attorney General Position. Both Cox and Peters claim to have LARGER Numbers of votes. Peters declared himself the winner on Wednesday, but Cox said that Peters' declaration was premature. The race has been HEAD to HEAD all along. Cox claimed throughout the campaign that Peters was soft on the issues, and that his approach to consumer affairs was all "Fluff". I know you think I am making this up, so check it out: ''...if you don't know already, I work for a political
polling agency. JB Dear JB, Yes it is a great Country. As a life long Democrat, I am very concerned if there will be anyone in 2004 capable of licking Bush. I mean life will be terribly frustrating for me in a couple of years if nobody can lick Bush. happy(reallyanindependentbutIjustlovedoubleentendres)shrink
Date: November 9, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, I'm a 52 year old women and what should I do when I feel depressed? I am shy and have problems meeting a man. What should I do? Hopeless in Canada Dear Hopeless in Canada, You have defined two problems that may or may not be related. Depression is a condition where one feels sad, helpless, hopeless, lethargic, angry, detached, and/or alienated. Depression can affect shy people as well as outgoing and seemingly self assured people. The causes of depression may also vary. People can have a natural tendency towards depression and others may become depressed due to a situation in their lives such as the loss of a loved one, a traumatic or disappointing event. Depression is often treated through psychotherapy and/or medication. If you suffer from depression, I would strongly recommend that you see a psychiatrist to be evaluated and treated. While I can't guarantee that your depression will go away altogether, I can tell you that there is a good chance that treatment can significantly lessen your symptoms. Shyness, is often a personality characteristic and is not a disorder unless it is so extreme that it prevents you from functioning normally. This condition is more difficult to treat because it is a part of who you are. Shy people can still lead happy and fulfilling lives but they must make efforts to overcome their fears of meeting new people. As far as meeting men, I don't know what kinds of social organizations are available in your area, but I recommend you find a group, club or organization that you might be interested in and affords you the opportunity to meet new people. Try not to focus on just "meeting a man." As important as that may seem to you, being needy can make that less likely to happen. Work on feeling good about yourself without a man. You can't make a man desire you but you can make yourself desirable. It starts with developing some self-esteem. I would urge you to get the help you need to overcome your depression and your shyness. There is hope in Canada if you are willing to find it. happy(andhopeful)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I usually don't do this, but I find that the anonymity of the internet is kind of the best way to ask this question. I basically want to know if there is a name for my "problem" because I'm sure I can't be alone. I'm a heterosexual 20yr old female, although lately I've seriously began to wonder about my own sexuality. I've always been physically attracted to guys (and not even remotely inclined to fantasize about lesbian things) but....I think I have abnormal emotional attractions to girls. I can remember this being the case since about the age of 13. That was when I had my first "intense" attraction to another girl. It's never sexual - it's just incredibly strong feelings, and what I would believe to be the equivalent of being infatuated. The other person becomes "perfect" to me in every way, and I both envy them and want to be their friend in a weird kind of way. It comes over me like a wave all of a sudden, and I realize that I love everything about them, from appearance to mannerisms, to lifestyle, and just absolutely everything, even things that would normally be unattractive in anyone else seem perfect to me. I also have intense feelings that I want to be close to them - but again, not in a sexual way. Just an intense desire to be hugged by them or be close to them physically. When I start to think about even the slightest "lesbian" thing though I can tell I'm not attracted to them in that way, those sexual feelings just aren't there. The best way I can describe it is that it's like wanting to be close to someone in every possible way except sexually. It has happened with people I barely know (a camp counselor, a girl I never actually spoke to more than twice that was in a class I had) and has happened with people I absolutely don't know (celebrities: Sporty Spice, Sandra Bullock) and also with people who I am very close with (close friends, best friends). Each one has a different degree of severity, and a different duration. For example, some just last a couple of weeks and it's just a matter of me getting obsessed over them, excited to see them, or wanting to see them, talk to them, etc. (but intensely is the only word I can use to describe the feeling). And other last literally years. The one with Sporty Spice lasted for honestly over a year (when I was 14), and I am 'in one' right now that has been going on for over a year. There is one common thread however between anyone I've ever had an intense emotional attraction to, and that is I still have mild feelings for everyone that I did have an intense attraction to at one point. (I would imagine it's like loving someone - you'll always have a place for them in your heart even if you break up). I can even analyze myself at the time (even now) because I know it's irrational and I'm embarrassed by it (I have told NO ONE! And there is nothing that could ever make me tell ANYONE about this!) but that doesn't calm the feelings. There are gaps between people where I am not "obsessed" with anyone, but it seems there is almost always someone who I am obsessed with. My problem is three-tiered.... a) I don't have these intense feelings for guys. I have some attraction emotionally (and a full physical attraction) but nothing even compared to the strong feelings I get with certain females. Does this mean I never will, or is it because I just happen to spend more time with girls than guys, so these 'obsessions' only develop with girls? b) I am constantly tortured! Especially because I'm so unsure of what is wrong with me, and the one 'infatuation' I have going right now has been the same intensity for over a year, and it's not dying off any time soon, and it's my best friend who I see every day, and she has no idea. c) This occupies my thoughts constantly. I am constantly thinking either about the other person, or about how CREEPY I MUST BE TO HAVE THIS PROBLEM!!! I'm an intelligent person, and I can see that I have a problem, but I don't know how to fix it, or if it's fixable. I've read the typical reasons why this could be happening to me and I have to admit, I fit most of the descriptions. - Absent father (from age 11-present), therefore lack of trust in men, etc., but honestly I am really well adjusted and I don't think this is a "dad issue". - Distant and cold mother (definitely...was always very autocratic, not very warm, very neurotic and we have a poor relationship) - Weak femininity identity (If you saw me, I'm a pretty girly-girl! But when I was younger I was a tomboy (sort of) and my mother always accused me of being a lesbian....more in an effort to scare me out of dressing like a slob I'm sure, but it worked, and now I have an irrational fear that people think I'm a lesbian even though I don't look like it/act like it/was never given a reason to feel insecure about it by my peers/ and I am not a lesbian!! (and I've slept with guys) -Self-esteem issues (I can admit I have very low self esteem and a negative self image) But the things I have read all list these things as leading to homosexuality, and I know I'm not sexually attracted to women! So is there a name for my problem??? I'm a university student, I get A's (always have throughout my entire school career) I have a part-time job, I have friends, I'm social, I party, I'm "together" and I think I'm pretty well rounded! But I deeply long to feel these strong feelings for a GUY, (I've had boyfriends and been sexually active with them, but it's never the same emotionally) and I want to know what my problem is! Thank you so much for listening, this has been very therapeutic and although it's weird seeing the honest truth displayed in writing for the first time ever, I think it's a good thing. sincerely, S. H. Dear S. H. From a Neo-Freudian, psychoanalytic viewpoint you are developmentally in what Erik Erickson calls "The Age of Identity." All of the factors that you mentioned about your life play a role in how your sexuality, values, passions and creativity become defined. Clearly, you are seeking to develop a strong emotional bond with someone. Perhaps you are looking for a role model or someone who you feel is capable of giving you unconditional love. That has been something lacking in your life as you have described it to me. During the Age of Identity we develop intense feelings and passions. We don't necessarily experience love, but we do experience infatuation. Infatuation, while shorter lived is often more intense than love. Infatuation may even become love as we mature and understand that love is an ongoing process of dealing with ups and downs, good times and bad times. As far as our sexual preference is concerned, there are many factors that go into that. Most important is accepting who and what you are and not what other's want you to be. I don't know if you are gay, heterosexual or bisexual. It really shouldn't matter, but in our society it does. Your mother isn't the only person on the planet with a narrow mind. From your letter you sound like a very intelligent and insightful young woman. I am concerned that these thoughts seem to make you feel tortured and possibly ashamed. You are certainly not alone in your feelings. More people than you think are going through the same things as you are. I would urge you to get into therapy and explore these identity issues further. I don't think you are screwed up or in danger of becoming screwed up but I do think a therapist can help you understand some of the identity issues in your life and help you to choose how to direct them so that you may reach your full potential. Sometimes therapy is just as important (or even more so) for wellness as it is for illness. Please feel free to write me on a regular basis. I can't be your therapist but I can be another vehicle for you to express your feelings and receive support. happy(hopestohearfromyouagain)shrink
Dear Happy, I haven't written you for awhile and I thought that I might share with you and your readers some of my "thoughts of the day." Reverend Al Give
a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to Dear Reverend Al, Thank you for your deep thoughts and musings. I am sure they will have a profound emotional impact on many of my readers, especially Edna, JeWitch, Gind and Bubba. Maybe some of them will write me new letters to post on this web site. happy(hint-hint)shrink
Date: November 6, 2002
Dear Happy, I often wonder does life really always go on as it seems to me that my life has not gone on for years. No matter what I did or how hard I tried I always seemed to live under the shadows of the past. I never knew a memory could last for such a long time. I never believed a feeling could be this strong after it was all over. I still find it hard to accept but God knows how much I still love, miss and need him after all of this time. We never really had said Goodbye. But we have not seen or talked to each other for about three years. I tried to move on but the memory of him always has been holding me back as if I would live the rest of my life loving and missing him even though I know I probably would never ever see him again in this life but the pains and the tears are always the same endless. Besides I also have been in a relationship for almost two years and he wants to build a life with me. I do love him but I could not change the fact that my lost love was everything I always dreamed of. Please do advise me as I am desperately needed. With many thanks! LostSoul Dear LostSoul, I don't know what is preventing you from moving on in your life but that's the issue you need to work on. I would strongly suggest you see a therapist to work through your grief and understand what unfinished business your psyche is still stuck on. You haven't shared why this relationship ended. I would be interested in knowing how and why it ended. The most important question you need to ask yourself is, "what do I need to do have have closure on this relationship?" It's not something you can probably give an answer to right now. Get the help you need LostSoul so you can answer that question and move on with your life. Let me know how you make out. happy(finderoflostsouls)shrink
Hello Happyshrink Has there ever been any studies with heroin addicts, dealing with the loss of emotions or the capacity to feel deep empathy. Because of maybe the part of the brain ( the pleasure center?) being damaged by years of heroin addiction. I may not be too clear, but then again I'm a few brain cells short. thanks W Dear W, Prolonged use of heroin can result in cognitive deficits that may affect memory, emotions, perception and physical sensation. Over time some of these deficits may lesson but someone with organic brain dysfunctions may never recover full mental and emotional capacity. I would recommend that you get a full neurological work up to see if these or other factors are involved in your loss of emotions. There could be psychological reasons for your loss of emotions too. When we have to deal with painful issues in our lives, it's sometimes easier to depersonalize them. Rather than face the pain of realizing how we may have hurt others as well as ourselves, our psyche can sometimes block all emotions. Perhaps some of these painful issues have it's roots before use of heroin and may have even been a factor in your substance abuse. If this is the reason you are not feeling or empathizing, you might want to see a therapist. Check out both possibilities W. Let me know what you find out. happy(afewbraincellsshorttoo)shrink
Happyshrink, Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Edna Dear Edna, That setting would be for Bubba. Especially when he's been out all night drinking and womanizing. Would you really want to give him perfectly good toast? happy(gottagoandfinishhistoastedbagel)shrink
Date: November 3, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, I really need your help. Thank you in advance. This situation started about 8 years ago. My mom met a man named Bryan. He's a few years younger than her, but they really clicked. Liked all of the same things, had a lot of fun together. They moved in together, and after a few months, Bryan just packed up and left. He would go stay at his dad's, or brother's for a few months. Then he would call my mom again, they would talk for a few weeks and he would come back. Few months later, the same thing. This has been going on consistently for eight years! It's not because of another woman, he doesn't have a substance abuse problem. He seems to get along fine with his family. We just can't figure out why he can't stay. This last time he moved into my mom's in May and stayed until just about a week ago. This was an all time record for him. The longest he had stayed. We all thought he was going to stay, but low and behold he just up and left one day.! This time, with just the clothes on his back. None of his personal items or a bed to sleep in. My question is actually two sided. First, why can't he stay? Why can't he commit and work this out, why does he leave even though he knows he'll just be back in a few months. And second, why does my mom continue to let him back? Why can't she say enough is enough? Please help. JK, Dear JK, While the obvious reason why Bryan keeps leaving is fear of commitment, there could be other things going on here that could be a factor. Bryan may be suffering from either a cyclical form of depression or a mood disorder that drives him to pick up and leave when he begins to experience symptoms of either depression or anxiety. The fact that this has been allowed to continue for 8 years has just reinforced that he can get away with this and bare no consequences. If I had to guess, he might have had similar relationships in the past that eventually lead to his companion saying "enough is enough." Clearly Bryan needs to be evaluated for these possible conditions, however I have doubts that he would be willing to do so given the fact that he is enabled by your mother, his father and his brother. As far as your mom is concerned. I don't know when she will say, "enough is enough." She probably has self-esteem and dependency issues that prevent her from moving on to a healthier relationship. Perhaps you could talk to her and suggest that she see a therapist. What it comes down to though, is that you can't make your mother change her behavior and she can't make Bryan change his behavior. Change comes from within. The best you can do is point out to her that there is a problem and that she needs to deal with it. The rest is up to her. Good luck JK and please let me know what you think. happy(toomuchforsomepeopleisneverenough)shrink
Dear happy shrink, I am sure I haven't got depression even though my gp says I have and has given me antidepressants for it, but it is more like major mood swings when I'm happy I'm ashamed to say I am too happy like hyper but when I'm sad and low I'm almost suicidal. Should I tell my gp or just accept that he knows what he is talking about and leave it. Many thanks, L Dear L, What you are describing to me sounds like it could be a bipolar disorder. I can't tell you if your General Practitioner is giving you the right medication for your condition, but I would strongly urge you to get a psychiatric consultation. Ask your GP for a referral. If he won't give you one, seek one out yourself. No doctor is infallible and getting a psychiatric evaluation will ensure that you are being treated for the right condition. Please let me know how things turn out L. Good luck. happy(notinfallibleeither)shrink
Judiblueye responds: Dear Happyshrink, I can't go out and buy a second copy of the book. Dr. Peabody self-published it. I got one copy "free". (obviously I paid for it via my health insurance and co-payments, so I don't consider it free) If I want another copy I have to buy it from Dr. Peabody, which I don't want to do because that is like admitting I have so thoroughly lost control of things that I can't even find his stupid book! Anyway, I found the "free" copy on top of the microwave. I am stuck on the exercise involving re/building a social network. I am supposed to call via a real live telephone someone I haven't called in a while and set up some type of social occasion, like going out to lunch. Sounds easy, but I have been stuck on this one for a few weeks now. I don't know who to call. I hate rejection. Usually I only call relatives because they feel obligated to be nice, being from the same gene pool and all. Sincerely, Judiblueye Dear Judi, I'm glad you found the "stupid book." My suggestion to you is to move on to another exercise. If you get stuck on the next one, and then the next one, you might need to talk more to Dr. Peabody about his "stupid book." happy(withhisstupidwebpage)shrink
Dear Happy, Nothins' changing around here... just thought I would tell ya. .. Bubba (that S.O.B.) came into the bedroom and he said .. "I am going to the bar now .. put on your coat." I was so happy to be included .. and I said "oh sweetie .. you are takin' me?" He said "NO .. I AM TURNING OFF THE HEAT ..." Edna .. Dear Edna, Given the fact that you pay the heating bills, that was downright considerate of him. happy(savingelectricitybyturningoffthisdarncomputer)shrink
Date: November 2, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, I am 29. I will be 30 Sunday. My boyfriend of 3 years is 31. His ex wife that he has two kids with is 28. His boys are 8 & 10. He comes over most nights. He gets the kids every other weekend and on Tuesdays. I have never been married and don't have kids and don't want kids of my own. I am having a hard time dealing with his ex wife because she never does what she says she will do, she has nude pictures of herself on the internet, and she left a note in his truck. She also asked him what it would take for him to come home. She is remarried but separated. She also has a one year old child from another man (not her husband). I have anxiety when he calls over there to check on the kids because I am afraid he will engage her in conversation and go back home for the kids because she does need help. Plus he knows I don't want kids of my own. I want this to work because I do love him but I am scared of her and what she might do next. I don't trust her and I would be afraid to marry him for fear she would try to come to my home. Can you help me cope and get numb to the situation as what I am doing is clearly not working? Thanks, SL Dear SL, You have good reason to have concerns. If you want to remain in this relationship, you do need to realize that your boyfriend will be connected to this women in a significant way for at least another 10 years. (until the kids are grown up). You can't control how much manipulating this woman does, nor can you expect your boyfriend to be less of a father to his kids. What you and your boyfriend can do is work out a plan for setting clear boundaries regarding how his ex-wife interacts with the two of you. Whenever this women brings up the issue of trying to get back together, your boyfriend needs to be clear and emphatic that this is not going to happen. Conversations with her need to be limited to issues regarding the kids. That must be a clear and consistent message from the both of you. She will probably continue to manipulate and test her boundaries from time to time, but if she doesn't get anywhere by doing this, she may eventually stop. More important than her stopping, is that you will feel more trusting that your boyfriend is in fact committed to you and not her. I am sure that your boyfriend now realizes that he and his ex-wife got married and had children (perhaps not necessarily in that order) way too young. Both now have the responsibility of raising two children and carry that "baggage" into any new relationships. If you want to continue to love your boyfriend and sustain this relationship, you are going to have to love his kids too. It's a package deal and if you have any doubts about it, you may need to consider the viability of the relationship. You and your boyfriends situation is not uncommon. Some people have been successful in integrating a new family into their lives and others have not. You need to consider if this is something you can do SL. If you believe you can do this and you trust that your boyfriend can too, then go for it! Please feel free to write me again and update me about what's going on. happy(withhisnewfamilytoo)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Dr. Peabody (my psychotherapist) wrote a book. It is a sort of a workbook of cognitive behavioral self-help exercises ala Dave Burns' Feeling Good Handbook. I have a copy that I have misplaced. I have lots of self-help books and don't really see how this one is any better or different from the others: if a book could help me I wouldn't need therapy. Now, whenever I try to talk about some perplexing problem I'm having with my life, the Doc refers to his book with a comment like, "There are tools in the book you can use to work on that." It is really pissing me off! I can't find my copy of the damn thing! I didn't lose it on purpose. I have lots of things I can't find, my life is a mess, that's what I am going to therapy for. Arrrrgh!!!! Anyway, My Question: if you were a therapeutic self-help book where would you go to hide? Sincerely, Judi(thinkI'llgolookunderthebed)Blueye Dear Judi, It sounds to me that you don't really want the book. You want Dr. Peabody. The book represents some of the work that the two of you do in treatment, but can never represent him nor your feelings about him. You can't you attach feelings to a book (not even a good one). Let's face it Judi; if this book was that important, you would just go out and buy another damn book. What the book doesn't do for you is make you feel like you are a worthwhile person who somehow can find a way out of the mess your in. I don't know if Dr. Peabody can do that either but that's what you hope to find in treatment. So where would I hide if I were a self help book? Probably under the bed. happy(believesthatJudicanfindawayoutofthismess)shrink
Dear Happy, Well' I has come upon a most wonderful household hint over to our new neighbor, Essie's, trailer. Me an' Harley went over to Essie's to play with little Hank. Come up real fast a big wind and rain and lightnin' and the electric went out and we all cuddled on the floor case the roof lifted off. Well, ya know how the roof rumbles and rumbles in the wind cuz it be made outta tin. I braces me and Harley for hearin' that awful rumblin'. It never come. I asked Essie, "Where be the rumblin?" She say, "They ain't no rumblin' cuz we gots our old tires on our roof. When the storm past, sure nuff, the roof has lots of old tires on it. Well, like I always sez, ya never knows where ya gonna learn somethin'. We gots lots of old tires here in the Circle K an' we is all gonna git rumble free an' I just wanted you to know how you can git rid o' your rumble. Gind Rinker Dear Gind, The best way I can get rid of my rumble is to keep away from Wind's green chili and take some GasX. happy(rumblinalong)shrink Back to "Ask Happyshrink" Home Page Back to most current postings
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