Postings from October 1-31, 2002
Date: October 30, 2002
Dear HS, My husband travels a lot for his work and although I have a challenging career I find it is not my ultimate priority in life. My marriage is. I have a strong sense of family and this must be right in my life as a foundation for all else. I have great relationships with my son (now 21 yo who no longer lives at home - he moved out 18mths ago) as well as nieces and sisters etc. I come from a large family of nine children and now find myself very much alone. My husband traveled 34 weeks last year and I tend to find myself saddened by constant "Oh, by the ways" of thing such as "I will just be one more week" or "Now I will be away over Christmas". You guessed it - it is the Christmas one that has got me this time. I can talk most things up and convince myself that I enjoy some time to myself and I suppose I have grown accustomed to this lifestyle, however the reality is I am usually pinning all my hopes on the expected return date and when it doesn't happen on that day, my emotions fall dramatically. I guess my strong sense of family lends itself to Christmas and the focus of family ties at this time and that is all of it - the little get-togethers, the build-up to Christmas, the shopping together, sharing the excitement of children together, building expectations etc. All of these things are therefore magnified as I venture into the world, whilst I suffer loneliness and isolation I feel. My husband has offered to take me to China to spend the time with him and as a commitment to the relationship, I suppose I have no choice, but as they do not celebrate Christmas, surely even in this I will feel the void of not having streets and families building Christmas-time together. I find myself constantly saddened by the choices of his career versus our relationship. I would like to think I can support him better and be happy for him, yet I find myself becoming increasingly upset by the constant let-downs or disappointments and cancellations of plans. When my husband is home he is working equally as hard and therefore I feel we are missing the quality of life that such hard work is supposed to reward. My greatest fears are the ever increasing dangers that may affect our marriage, such as, if I am upset often enough on the telephone that this may create an unsound environment for a happy marriage. Before long and even unintentionally we run the risk of building a) resentment for career and b) lack of support and thus any positive input from any outside source becomes attractive and therefore a danger to our marital status. These are some of the dangers marital life that need to be addressed and if we are serious about the relationship we need to be aware of vulnerabilities and danger signs. I do not want to resent his work or his choices, but the reality is that I do. I do not wish to get upset every time his plans mean more time away from me, but I do get upset. I do not mean to get emotional on the telephone when he is purely trying to work hard for us, but I get to the stage where I do not give a damn about the work or the position etc. I hold no value in $ compared to relationships, however I now doubt my husband feels the same way. I find myself increasingly doubting the words he says, particularly relating to expected return dates or periods at home - I almost feel deceived sometimes. This in itself I feel is a breakdown (in part) of our relationship. I feel I am taking a selfish stand here, but I also feel I did not get married to be alone. I have a busy career of which limits my capability to drop everything and pop over to whichever country he is in, and maybe it is the combination of my work demands and his that is causing the issues. I do not feel there is any value in me giving up my job for the sake of his, but we need to find some sort of common ground. The reality is the peaks of projects in my job often fall at the time of a lull in his job and vice-versa. I did a Masters for 3 years to keep me busy, but only found that it restricted me too much in terms of fulfilling any socializing in his absence. I have found I need the socializing in fill the void of not having a husband at home. I have not been studying now for nearly 15mths and love the freedom again, however I do not have a partner to share it with, and although I could busy myself with other fillers, I am reluctant to commit to anything that will bind my time in the same manner the Masters did, plus I do not feel I should have to. We have been married 15 years and this is the 3rd Anniversary in a row that he has missed. I can live with that if we stop to smell the roses on his return, but far too often pressures are mounting back home at the office pending his return and thus the priority of our relationship often gets shelved for a day not can be slide into oblivion. I need to manage this better and in saying this will book a weekend away upon his return, however it would be nice if every once in a while he planned time for me as much as he plans his busy work schedule. I realize many men tend to leave the social aspects of life to the wife, but I guess I am actually seeking recognition of rank in priorities enough to be planned for. It is a "Hello" call. I keep myself busy with a personal trainer and sew a little. That combined with the long hours I work, I have little time to socialize. I go to Church on Sunday and rarely go out other than visiting friends and relatives and having their children over to stay. Interested to hear your views on making myself happy and how to be happy for my husband and supportive without being submissive to the point of detriment. Perhaps you may have some suggestions on finding a way to teach him to fulfill my emotional needs whilst still meeting his needs for the challenges of his career. He loves his job and thrives on the pressure. Unhappy Dear Unhappy, Your situation is more common than you might think. I have had numerous letters will similar situations and none of them have easy solutions. When one takes marriage vows, we promise to love honor and obey, in sickness and in health. If I were to rewrite those marriage vows, I would change it to "love honor and compromise." A good marriage can not exist unless there is a willingness on the part of both spouses to compromise. That's what seems to be the overriding theme here and in many letters I receive. What I am hearing from you Unhappy, is that you fear that your husbands career is more important to him than you are. If this is so, is your marriage really worth saving? If your husband doesn't understand your needs for contact and intimacy after 15 years of marriage are the two of you really partners? If work always comes first and you always come second, then you are already in a failing marriage. My suggestion to you Unhappy, is to have you and your husband work with a marriage counselor. The goal would be to see if the two of you can find enough shared values in your relationship to sustain one another or if that cannot happen, find a way to end the marriage so that both of you can move on with your lives. This is a very tough situation Unhappy and the the outcome may not be what you hope for. But as time goes by you will resent your circumstances more and more. I suspect that everything I'm telling you is something you have considered but are afraid to act on. Do you want to have the same situation ten or twenty years from now? It's up to you Unhappy. Please let me know what you think. happy(-nessdoesn'tcomeeasy)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Because most people who write songs are idiots. Why is Donovan wild about Saffron? Why does anyone care if she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes? Who cares why fools fall in love? How stupid is that guy who's gonna sit right down and write himself a letter? Why isn't the guy asking who let the dogs out trying to get them back? I'll bet that over 40 years ago one of his relatives asked, "How much is that doggy in the window?" If brother John is sleeping, how the hell do you expect him to answer your question? (see, even the French are idiots) And finally, my message to those people who ain't got a barrel of money: JOIN THE CLUB! Who do you know that DOES have a barrel of money? I guess that one of the reasons certain people are rich is they're not stupid enough to put their money in a barrel. Me, I should have put my money in a barrel, but NOOOOOO! I had to put my money in tech stocks. Now I can't even afford a barrel. Damn, JeWitch, I wish you wouldn't get me started this early in the morning. happy(overabarrelandneedingacupofcoffee)shrink
Date: October 27, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, Anyway, I'm a college student, I've been here a few years, and yet I'm not exactly very experienced romantically. Over this past weekend, I did finally meet a really nice girl at a party. We talked a lot, and did what I guess you could call some minor "hooking up." Even though we'd only known each other a few hours, it became very serious. We really wanted to see each other again and be together. Some other facts: she's 4 years younger than me, so she's still in high school, and she also lives a bit of a drive away. However, neither of us seem to mind and we'll be sure to work around those minor details. Another thing: when we met, it was under the influence of a little alcohol, but neither of us were going out of our minds. The situation may seem like I was taking advantage of her... but I must say, this young lady was coming on to me very strongly, and I pressured her into nothing. If anything, I was the one feeling the pressure :-). I saw her the next night, both of us completely sober, and things were, needless to say, weird. But I must say the situation was, at the risk of sounding stupid, weird in a weird way. We were still very involved romantically the second night; we enjoyed kissing and cuddling and what not. However, she didn't talk to me nearly as much, and therefore it became hard for me to carry on a conversation with any continuity. I fear one of two things: either I'm boring her or she's just very scared of me (especially when the alcohol isn't a factor). I just hope I kept her happy. So i guess my question is, what now? Yes, I have only known this girl for several days, but I know she's a really sweet girl who likes me, and opportunities like this don't exactly come by for me very often. Therefore, I really want to try as hard as i can to make the best of this. I know I have to communicate with her somehow, but how? I can even be a bit timid myself sometimes. Now, I understand that things may also
not work out, and we may realize that we don't like each other after all.
That's why I will not say that I'm falling in love... that will come with
time if the situation is right. But like i said, opportunity is knocking,
and I wanna let opportunity in and buy her a dozen roses... Dear Careful With His Heart, Most high school and college students who meet each other at a party, mixer, or other type of social event are usually drawn to one another through physical attraction. Alcohol does lower ones inhibitions and people may "seem" to develop a level of intimacy that might not really exist when they are sober. Unfortunately, alcohol can not sustain a relationship for very long. It is quite understandable that things were awkward on the second date given that both of you were sober and attempting to move forward in your relationship. That will now involve really getting to know each other. My advice to you is to try to find some common interests and common activities that will enable you to learn about one another and really determine if there is more than physical attraction that can sustain your relationship. While you are not in love with this girl Careful With His Heart, you do sound infatuated and sometimes that can be even more powerful than love. Love can come with time but you and your new friend have a lot of work to do. I'll be happy to respond to any future updates you may have. Good luck. happy(slightlytallerthanDrRuthandnotquiteasbaldasDrPhil)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I am doing a experiment in my college psychology class. I am using my sister for my case study and planning on doing some interviews as well. My hypothesis is that Some medications for certain psychological and neural diseases can cause new psychological illnesses to occur. I.E. my sister was diagnosed with epilepsy when she was 7. When she has since been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi-polar manic depressive disorder. I believe that these have been caused from the epilepsy meds. Could I be correct and do you know of any good web sites that may discuss this problem? Please respond ASAP. Thanks. Sarah Dear Sarah, I can see how you might draw a connection to the medication your sister received for her epilepsy and severe mental illness. Medications such as Depakote, Tegretol, Lamictal are used to treat seizure disorders as well as bipolar disorders. The question I have about your hypothesis is whether the medication your sister took brought about her mental illness or was her epileptic condition the cause of it? While many and even most people with seizure disorders do not have any accompanying mental illness, there are individuals that do have other accompanying impairments that is thought to be related to their seizures. Despite the fact that there have significant breakthroughs in treating severe and persistent mental illness, our knowledge of what causes mental illness that is not induced by psychological trauma, stress or brain injury is still unclear. Using your sister as a case study will make for an interesting project. My advice is that rather than trying to prove a hypothesis, you try and piece together all the facts in your sister's medical, neurological and psychiatric history. You may even find out something totally unexpected. There are many good sites that can help you. One way to access a lot of sites is to do a search on a site called Psych Central. It has a great search engine that can connect you with may sites and loads of good information. to access Psych Central, click here. Good luck and let me know how your paper turns out. happy(stillfindingoutthingsthataretotallyunexpected)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star was composed by Mozart when he was about 4 years old. Perhaps he hadn't learned all the letters in the alphabet by then. happy(wheredoyoucomeupwiththesequestions???)shrink
Date: October 26, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, I was just wondering if there is such a thing as "late depression". I'm 47 (nearly 48) and am having concerns about "blue moods" that I get into. They seem to occur more often and last longer than they did when I was younger and they seem to be more severe. There are days that I don't feel like getting out of bed and have to force myself to. Should I be concerned? If so, should I seek professional help? Thank You HF Dear HF, There could be both psychological as well as physical reasons for your "blue moods." I suggest that you first see your family doctor and get a complete physical exam including blood work. If your physician does not find a medical reason for your depression, then I would get a referral to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist may prescribe medication and perhaps recommend psychotherapy if there are issues in your life that could be causing your depression. Get the help you need HF. Just because you are over 47 doesn't mean you have to be blue. happy(Onlyturnsbluewhenitsverycoldout)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Well, I finally started seeing a counselor regarding my husband and his alleged PTSD from the car/train accident where no one was hurt. My counselor is a specialist in PTSD among other areas. After telling him why I'm bothered by my husband's behavior over our 20 years of experiences together, I've been informed by my counselor that my husband is a perpetrator and I am a victim. My counselor is working with me in not allowing myself to be a victim. He did suggest a women's shelter. I assured him my husband is not violent. I only wish my husband would have waited until the children were grown up and on their own, before he went this far with his behavior. The counselor also informed me that if my husband is putting on PTSD and gets caught (he's receiving insurance payments and medical disability) he could be looking at a Class B felony. I guess my husband is teaching us a lesson, like he always enjoys doing. I just hope his lesson doesn't turn around and bite him in the butt. I'll keep you informed of the progress. Like the saying goes "This life is only a drill. If it were the real thing, further instructions would have been given." This life is wonderful with some lousy experiences. Maybe I'll finally learn. Railroader Wife Dear Railroader Wife, I am very pleased that you are seeing a counselor and beginning to understand that perpetrators take many forms. Your husband may not be physically violent towards you or the children but he is definitely abusive and psychological abuse can be even more damaging. Now that you understand you are a victim, the next step is to find ways how to stop continuing to be one. That may take more time and I am sure your counselor will help you with that. I hope you continue to write me and let me know the progress you are making. Life is wonderful Railroader Wife. It's time to have a few of those good experiences but there may be some hard work ahead before that can happen. You are finally learning and that in itself is a good experience. happy(stilllearning)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong? JeWitch Dear JeWitch, He is only wrong if a tree falls on him. Otherwise, he's finally able to get a word in edgewise. happy(hidinginthebushes)shrink
Date: October 23, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder (along with depression and general anxiety) and I am not completely understanding this. I was in weekly therapy for eight months till the money ran out. I don't know if I learned anything or if I am any better. Can you explain the Dissociative disorder please. C Dear C, Dissociative Disorders are a number of conditions which produces a disconnection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. There are actually 4 specific dissociative conditions which I will cite from the DSM IV: Dissociative Amnesia is characterized by an inability to recall important personal information, usually of a traumatic or stressful nature, that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. Dissociative Fugue is characterized by sudden, unexpected travel away from home or one's customary place of work, accompanied by an inability to recall one's past and confusion about personal identity or the assumption of a new identity. Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder) is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states that recurrently take control of the individual's behavior accompanied by an inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. Depersonalization Disorder is characterized by a persistent or recurrent feeling of being detached from one's mental processes or body that is accompanied by intact reality testing. Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified is included for coding disorders in which the predominant feature is a dissociative symptom, but that do not meet the criteria for any specific Dissociative Disorder. It is important to remember that these disorders are usually associated with a traumatic event often occurring in childhood. It would be important for you to be in treatment with someone who specializes in working with people who suffer from a Dissociative Disorder C. If right now you can't afford to see a therapist, look for a support group in your community. It is very important that somebody who has trouble connecting with themselves can have the opportunity of connecting with others. A group of people who suffer from Dissociative Disorder or a group of people who have had early childhood trauma may be good support systems for you. Some of these groups may be free and some may be very low cost. Perhaps the therapist who was treating you can give you some suggestions. Good luck and please feel free to write again. happy(likestoconnecttoo)shrink
Dear Happyshrink and Jewitch, Goofy is a cartoon character, whereas Pluto is a cartoon character's pet. That is why Goofy walks on two legs and talks, but Pluto can only behave like a dog. Sincerely, Judi PS I think the technical term is Anthropomorphism. Dear Judi, So you're telling me that Pluto is Mickey Mouse's pet? What's up with that? Have you ever heard of a mouse having a pet dog? No wonder Pluto is on all fours. How humiliating! Just the thought of seeing that poor little canine play fetch with a rodent is enough to make me want to set out a mouse trap. Don't worry though, before Mickey would get squished, Goofy would probably be walking along on his merry way and accidentally step on it first. Then he would probably let out a big howl and jump about 50 feet in the air. Can you imagine if he really jumped 50 feet in the air? He'd probably fall down and break both his arms and legs and end up in a hospital bed. Of course he's just a dog and dogs don't get put in hospital beds even when they are on two legs. See what you started Judi? I hope you are satisfied now! happy(goingbacktowatchingElmerFuddandthatkwazywabbit)shrink
Date: October 20, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, I've been married for nearly 8 years to a man who has bipolar disorder. He has had two episodes of mania since I've known him. The first one he was hospitalized for a month. 2 years later, one night he believed I was a witch casting evil spells on him and decided that he had to end my life (thank God I am still here as I have 3 beautiful boys), he fractured my nose, severely bruised my skull resulting in a concussion, and my arm and leg were also hit with a large flashlight. I was held hostage in our bedroom for 5.5 hours, my life being threatened the entire time, and he also sexually assaulted me. I am still very traumatized 6 months later, he is remanded to a hospital as he didn't go to jail because they found him not criminally responsible due to his mental disorder. Do you think I will ever get over this completely? What is your advice on being with him in the future? I don't know. I am so numb to everything and have been diagnosed with having PTSD. Of course his family doesn't get what I am going through and they somehow think they are as bad off as me because he is in the hospital and they feel bad for him. I do too but they also weren't beaten, and made to believe that they were going to die at his hands. Can you help me? LJ Dear LJ, Your husband does need compassion and help but that doesn't mean that it is at the expense of your safety or that of your children. You have gone through a terrible ordeal and it may take more than 6 months to get over it. Your psychological wounds may heal over time but there will always be some scars and life will never return to what it once was. That doesn't mean that you can't triumph over this adversity and live a happy and fulfilling life. I hope you are getting professional help for your PTSD as this is vital for your recovery. As far as your future with your husband is concerned, only you can decide about that, but I would urge you to make the decision based on what's best for you and your children. While I would expect your husband's family to feel bad for him, it is not them who suffered his wrath. If they don't understand what you are going through, that's too bad for them. Their opinion on what you need to do for yourself and your children doesn't have to be a factor in your future decisions. While it is very clear that your husbands mental illness is quite severe and dangerous, I cannot tell you what his prognosis is for recovery. That is something you need to speak to his doctors about. Hopefully, his doctors are doing what's best for him. You need to continue to do what's best for you. Please continue to write me about what is going on. I will be happy to lend a supportive ear share my thoughts. Good luck. happy(safetyfirst)shrink
Hi Happy, Got a comment & a question. First the comment. This is for the fellow who doesn't talk much. I was looking at books on home-schooling this week and picked up one about children, usually boys, who are very bright but don't talk until much later than 'normal'. Nothing wrong with these guys, most are above average in intelligence, just wired a bit different with verbal ability. Most are very good with math and/or music. He may want to talk to a speech therapist about this problem, if it bothers him. Now my question, background first. When I suffer from depression I also have symptoms of anxiety. When I've taken a couple different SSRI's the depression goes away & so does the anxiety. I've been struggling with depression for several months now but have not gone on any antidepressants due to weight gain associated with them. However, about 5 weeks ago I asked the family doctor for something for migraines. He prescribed Inderal, and also an antidepressant in the tricyclic family to help me sleep. Turns out the Inderal not only keeps the migraines away, it's great for treating anxiety. The antidepressant sucked so I quit after 3 days, but I realized after 5 weeks on the Inderal with no headaches & no anxiety, my depression seems to be lifting. Is this likely, that getting the anxiety under control would result in the depression going away? Thanks, cnot Dear cnot, First let me thank you for your advice to Nac's friend. Seeing a speech therapist might be a good idea for him. Now let's get to your question. In addition to being used to treat migraines, Inderal is most commonly used to lower blood pressure and relieve hypertension. It can also be used to counteract some of the side effects of antidepressants and other psychiatric meds. While I haven't heard it being used to relieve anxiety directly, the lowering of one's blood pressure and relief from migraines can certainly have that effect. If it works, then use it! Getting one's anxiety under control can also reduce and eliminate depression in some cases. Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand. Eliminating one can often help lower or eliminate the other. I can't tell you that Inderal will be all you need for the rest of your life cnot. Sometimes meds can work for a long time and sometimes they run their course. For now though, I would enjoy being symptom free. You certainly deserve some time off from depression and anxiety. Hope to see you in group. happy(coulduseafewsymptomfreedayshimself)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Despite Goofy and Pluto's personal preferences, erect and doggie style are considered acceptable positions by Dr. Ruth. And since you live so close to Disney World, don't forget to remind both of them to always wear a condom. happy(looksgoofyevenonallfours)shrink
Date: October 19, 2002
Hello HappyS! I really don't know what to expect from writing to you, but one weak ago, I promised my friend that I'll go to the internet and find some people who have heard for the situation he is in. The reason why I'm turning to you, is that in the country where I come from, we have no experts on this area, at least they are not as good as they could be. So this are the "symptoms": from when he can remember and like other people say, he never talked much. So, when he came to school (age of 6) they wanted to put him in to a program for children with special needs, but his parent's didn't allow it, because when they had a test in written form, he was a very good student, and finished school normally. Now he is 29. He told me that he thinks of the stuff he would like to say and has the desire to do it, but at the end he doesn't. Sometimes, but really rarely he talks normal, and he also talks when he drinks alcohol. He is not just "the silent type", because it happened many times that I would ask him a question and he just won't say anything back, though he has the answer. He just smiles. He also almost never asks the question if he is interested is something. That's kind if it, in a short version. Otherwise I don't think that he has some other problems in life connecting the situation he is in. Thank you in advance. Hope to sea your answer soon. Nac Dear Nac, It is hard to diagnose someone by just describing his behaviors. Your friend does sound like he may have some kind of anxiety or other mood disorder such as a social phobia, but that's really just a guess. When he drinks alcohol, his symptoms seems to lessen and he is able to express himself more and that might indicate that with appropriate medication (not alcohol) he might be able to communicate and interact better in social situations. I don't know why it was recommended that he be put in a program for children with special needs, but it might be helpful if he could find out what testing or observations were made to have his school recommend such a program. Children with special needs are not just "slow" children. They can be very intelligent, but have other problems in adjusting to a school environment. It would be helpful to understand what kind of problems your friend was having as a child as it could be related to some of the things going on in his life now. I don't know what country you are from Nac, nor do I know what resources are available to help your friend. If there are psychiatrists in your country, I would urge your friend to see one so he could be evaluated. All I can do here is guess what might be the problem. A good psychiatric evaluation might also indicate the need for psychological testing, a neurological evaluation and a full physical exam as well. Please urge your friend to seek help and let me know what happens. happy(understandsthathelpissometimeshardtofind)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Last year I didn't get my usual season's tickets to the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I just didn't feel like it. Last spring the nice marketing man from the Orchestra hunted me down at work (via phone) and talked me into a set of tickets to the young people's concert series...it is during the day on Saturdays and shorter concerts and therefore less painful for all involved. (He's good and he knows his market, doesn't he!) I got all the way into the hall and in my seat before I was flooded with the memory of my last trip to Orchestra Hall two years ago when I took The Predator with me because the girls were at their dad's house. EGAD! I thought with an entire year of living between me and the day I tossed him out of my house, I would be done with these little memory traps that attack, like falling into a pit full of bamboo spikes. How long can I expect these? It is not like I am sitting around ruminating; these strike from the big blue sky on an ordinary day. Sincerely, Judiblueye PS The girls almost enjoyed hearing Fluffy's theme from the Harry Potter movies, one of the selections at the concert today. Played by a musician magician in cape and wizard's cap. Dear Judiblueye, Memories don't ever really go away, but your response to these memories can be either traumatic or reaffirming. What you need to do when a memory such as this comes back, is to also remember that your daughter did a very courageous thing in coming to you telling you about the abuse. You believed her and gave her support. While she may still have problems both related and unrelated to this incident, you have given her the message that you will always be there for her. She will not forget that Judi; not next year nor when she's a grown woman. Lastly, you must always remember that you did the right thing even if other's didn't. It's a year now and you can also be thankful that "the predator" is out of your life and out of your kids lives. When you incorporate these affirmations into your memories Judi, perhaps it will make you smile just like Fluffy's theme almost did. happy(timetotakeoffthewizard'scap)shrink
Happy, Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" JeWitch Dear JeWitch, It was Bubba and please stop referring to Edna as a cow. happy(Moooooooo)shrink
Date: October 16, 2002
Dear happy, I know I sound like a psycho, but I am writer and a lawyer, a loving daughter and a nice person. But, yes, I still feel the stigma with taking antidepressants. Even more so than being a pill addict. Any thought, oh happy one? thanks, hope Dear hope, It is ironic but very common that you feel the stigma of being on a medication that was prescribed appropriately for depression and you don't (or perhaps didn't) feel any stigma about self-medicating with pain meds, muscle relaxants, and sleeping pills to deal with the same symptoms. Wellbutrin is a walk in the park compared to what you were taking before and what those medications were doing to you both physically as well as mentally. The key thing about Wellbutrin is that it is working for you. It's probably not beneficial for you to weigh the benefits of dopamine verses norepinephrin. That's what got you into trouble in the first place. You are not a doctor or a pharmacist and your case a little knowledge has been not been a good thing. Let your physician help you to detox as well as monitor your progress on Wellbutrin. You should be knowledgeable about how Wellbutrin works, its side effects and its interactions with other medications. You don't need to do research. Wellbutrin is an anti-depressant medication with very few side effects for most people. It can be taken both short term as well as long term. It also works well in conjunction with anti-anxiety medications which hopefully you will be weaning off of. I hope my thoughts are helpful to you hope. Please feel free respond or just to let me know how you are doing. happy(andhopingforhope)shrink
To Happy, I'm am 16 male and I like wearing female's thongs and I think that there are great!rm
Dear rm, You kids today are sooooo spoiled! In my day, the only things 16 year-old boys had at their disposal were garter belts and panty girdles. happy(stillsufferingfromvaginaenvy)shrink
Date: October 13, 2002
Dear Happyhrink, I think I have insomnia. I'm 14 and have to take sleeping pills every night to get to sleep. Is this normal? OL Dear OL, No, it's not normal. I think you have a substance abuse problem that's much more serious than your insomnia. I am sure that no physician would be prescribing sleeping pills to for a 14 year old to take every night. You are therefore self-medicating and you are really doing something very dangerous. I would urge you to talk to your parents and/or your family physician so it can be determined why you are having problems sleeping and to get you off the pills you are taking. There are a lot of reasons why you might have trouble sleeping at night and there are better alternatives to sleeping pills. Please get the help you need now OL. Don't let this turn into a lifelong problem. Please let me know what happens. happy(knowsit'snoteasytojustsayno)shrink
Hello happyshrink!! I am writing you, well basically because i don't know what else to do. I don't even really know if you can help me but I guess its worth a shot. Well I'm a 20 year old female who is very very pessimistic. I am told that I am so negative all the time and it wasn't until recently that I have begun to notice it. However this negative response is MOSTLY toward myself. I seem to put myself down constantly and not even know it. I know I don't do it to get the response from others because it's just the way I view myself. My mind is constantly thinking of myself with disgust. Ah, there is just so much more to it then I can even explain. However, along with my negative attitude, my moods switch from high to low all the time. The slightest thing can throw the hugest curve in to my mood. I feel really bad for I tend to take it out on my boyfriend and don't mean to but I can't help it. I'm just scared. I just want to be a positive, happy 20 year old, but for some strange ! reason I can't get it out of my mind that my world is so horrible. What should or can I do? Please help me... I'm to scared to go to my family doctor for I feel he will just think of it as nothing, but it's tearing me apart and I can't deal with it anymore. please help Trapped in a dark world! Dear trapped in a dark world, Your low self esteem and pessimism didn't just happen over night and it isn't something that can be fixed overnight either. You really need to see a psychiatrist and be evaluated for depression or a mood disorder. It is often a good idea to seek a referral through your family doctor because he can check for any physical problems that might be causing mood swings or depressive symptoms. The key though is getting the help you need now so you don't have to suffer with this in the future. These things don't go away by themselves and they can get worse. If you do see a psychiatrist, I would hope that he/she recommends individual psychotherapy. Issues of pessimism and low self-esteem are often rooted in childhood. You may need to look at some of the issues in your past that have led you to where you are today. It is also possible that a psychiatrist would prescribe medication to relieve some of the symptoms. The key though is finding your self worth and learning how to move in a positive direction. This is often a big struggle for individuals your age and sometimes one needs help. Get the help that you need Trapped in a dark world. I realize what I am asking of you isn't easy and I can understand why you would be scared to go to your family doctor. But nobody can get the help for you. You have to do that yourself. Summon up the courage to do it. It will be worth it. Please feel free to write me again. happy(Igetbywithalittlehelptoo)shrink
Dear Happy, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF "ALL THIS INTERNATIONAL S**T" ON THE INTERNET With all this international news on the Internet it has made it difficult for the average American to ignore the rest of the world. With all the foreign newspapers and multi-cultural sites, the Internet is making it almost impossible for the average American to remain uninformed and apathetic. We can still do it. But it now takes effort, where before it was as easy as turning off Tom Brokaw whenever he said 'In South Korea today...'" It's not just the ton of international news on the Web that is irritating. I can get around the news. I just turn off Reuters headlines in My Yahoo, but even some of the search sites like Yahoo and Alta Vista are available in different languages. Like everybody in the world doesn't speak English??? Yeah, right !! I can see where it's important if we're, like, beating some country in the Olympics or bombing them or, ideally, both, but if some Colombian drug lord sinks a ferry full of Israeli soldiers in Serbo-Malaysia, or wherever, and Americans aren't involved, what has that got to do with me? On the Web, there are so many ways to get news from so many different places, I could get some fresh insights into what's going on in other countries if I wanted to. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. You'd think these Internet people would know that. I mean, that's why the Internet is called America Online, right? It's supposed to be about America. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I can understand your desire to stay uninformed and ignorant of world events. The best way of achieving this is to watch Fox News, CNN and MSNBC. happy(StaysintouchbywatchingAnimalPlanet)shrink
Date: October 12, 2002
Hi, My daughter is almost 12 years old. She has had Facial Ticks since she was 5. We took her to a "shrink" when she was about 8 and they talked. After 2 sessions she was done. Summer seems a little better for her. She is an A student, but is still very hard on herself about her grades etc. The "shrink" said the tick would change into something else all the time. Like first she was opening her mouth really wide. Then it would change to blinking hard etc. So, here we are 6-7 yrs later and it's still happening. Every summer it would get better so we would sort of forget about it. She gets teased, and we don't know what to do other than tell her to stop doing "it". Thanks LC Dear LC, One condition that often causes tics and can manifest itself in other behaviors you have described in your daughter is Tourette Syndrome. One usually associates this condition with involuntary utterances but in some cases and often in its beginning stages, it can be limited to tics and facial grimaces. I can not say if this a your daughters condition, but I would look into it and get a second opinion if it is dismissed without careful consideration. If you would like more information about Tourette Syndrome, click here. As far as getting your daughter properly diagnosed and treated for whatever her condition might be, I would start by having your family doctor refer your daughter to a neurologist to determine if there is a medical/neurological cause for this problem. If she checks out OK neurologically, I would get referral to a new child psychiatrist who can evaluate if her tics and facial gestures are caused by anxiety or another psychiatric condition that may be treated with medication. Please let me know what you find out. Don't accept the notion that there is no reason for this behavior. There is a reason and your daughter is not doing it on purpose. happy(alwayhasapurpose)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, A friend of mine constantly worries about things. It ranges from work to wondering if she had closed the fridge door. She occasionally experiences major worry when an event or project is upon us wondering if everything will run smoothly or if everything is done. I know everybody gets anxiety but is this the same? Thanks Cooper Dear Cooper, You friend sounds like she might worry a little too much and suffer from an anxiety disorder. If this condition is preventing her from enjoying life and limiting her ability to function at work or in her personal life, she should consider being evaluated by a psychiatrist. There are different degrees to which all of us worry but it shouldn't interfere with everyday life. If it does there's a problem. Urge your friend to get the help she needs now so she can worry less and enjoy more. happy(worriesmoreaboutclosingthefridgedoor)shrink
Dear Happy, The Earl an' Harley an' me went to Bithlow Sunday after breakfast for a few beers. We all got bored and decided to grab a 12 pack an' head for the ocean. We already be halfway there. A few miles from the ocean, the wind started to pick up an' you could almost smell the dead fish an' seaweed an' there was a couple seagulls. We was gittin' into it. Then we come up on a sign says there be a brand new trailer park north a bit in Liksasnatchee. The Earl says to me, "maybe we should take a look an' move over here to the ocean. Well what happen was we started passin' bar after bar. An' then there in front of the Liksasnatchee Trailer Park, was The Office Saloon. The Earl says right off, "This be Heaven, I believe." He be kinda impulsive, don't ya know. So we goes in to the park office to fill out a application. This be a big move. We would hafta get the brake lights hooked up on the truck and the ball put on the hitch. The Earl was rollin' over in his mind all the details whilst I was fillin' out the application. 1972 , 35 foot Elcona......2 adults 1 baby, 3 dogs........Then I axed the park manager, "How much be the rent for 2 adults an' one baby an' 3 dogs?" She says, "$30 per night, but dogs ain't alowed." Both The Earl an' me dropped our jaw an' simuletan.....symilltain....at the same time our cigarettes fall to the floor. The Earl say, we ain't movin' nowheres we cain't take our dogs an' we left. Fer Christ sake, ya think we was in New York. Be the price o' lot rent the reason you moved to New Jersey, Happy? Spent a few hours finnishin' off the 12 pack at the beach, an' it cost $5 to git in at that. Ain't goin' back. Gind Rinker Dear Gind, No we didn't move to New Jersey because of the price of rent in New York. Just like you and the Earl like to be near bars, me and the Wind like to be near shopping malls. happy(stillpissedoffatthebluelawsthough)shrink
Date: October 9, 2002
Hi Happyshrink, My name is Chad, and I am a victim of infidelity. In brief I will describe the circumstance and conclude with some questions. I was told by my lady friend of 1.25 years that she had interests in another man, the next day she left without notice for 4 days. When she returned she confessed to the act of infidelity. During the 4 days, I observed her apartment from the street, she was gone for sure and I was literally horrified. It was a very traumatic experience for me, I screamed in my car as I realized she was not back at home. I drove by many times in those 4 days, hoping to se a light on. But when I got there nothing changed. I screamed in horror many times and cried on the way home. (thank god for tinted glass). I would get home and be very hyperactive and not wanting to be alone. I threw up and I cried more than I ever have. The doctor gave me sleeping pills and Ativan to relax as I was unable to eliminate the thoughts and image in my mind of what happened. He also gave me an antidepressant, but we concluded that they were not needed. They were strong enough on the onset to help for the few days, they got me through the worst of it. My appetite dropped off and I lost 12 lbs in the 4 days, and have lost an additional 5 lbs in the past 2 weeks. The future of the relationship is undetermined, nor part of the question I have for you. Fact: the lady in question is a survivor of rape, more than once by family members. Question: Is this a typical trait of rape survivors? Question: Did I suffer from PTSD...3 weeks later I still have disrupted sleep patterns, loss of appetite and I still cry when I think about it and even cry for no apparent reason? Thanks for your time, Ch Dear Ch, Rape survivors often suffer from PTSD and at times they have difficulty with intimacy, however, infidelity is not more prominent among rape survivors than any other person. While your symptoms may be similar to PTSD, I can not say for sure that this is what you suffer from. This relationship was just slightly over a year and while you may have experienced hurt and betrayal, I don't know if this really constitutes a trauma. It's been only a few weeks since this happened and it's quite normal to feel depressed and even lose sleep over this experience. One thing that is unclear is the nature of your relationship prior to these acts of infidelity. You refer to this woman as your "lady friend." It is vague at best what kind of understanding the two of you had regarding your exclusivity towards one another. Was this really an act of infidelity or the act of someone who did not have the same understanding as you regarding the level of commitment. The two of you were dating; you weren't living together; you weren't engaged. It sounds like you have very strong feelings towards this woman but it takes two to make a relationship work. Perhaps it's time to move on. Focus on your future Ch, not your trauma. A little bit of counseling might help put things in prospective. Please free to respond and let me know what you think. happy(twototango)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, In Genesis 3:1, God said, "Let there be light." Who was he speaking to? Little Rusty wants to know. Edna Hoppenstetter Dear Edna, God was talking to "Yo Momma" And after God said, "Let there be light," he told Yo Momma to move her big fat ass out of the way. happy(onhiswaytoburninginhell)shrink
Date: October 6, 2002
Hello Happyshrink, I'm in a rough situation and I could use some direction. I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 children, 7 and 3 years of age . I am 34 and my wife is 35. My wife had a difficult past. She was raped at 20 years old, her Dad died when she was 17, among other things. Up until now, her past generally hasn't been a problem for us. Now, she says she "feels as if her past is coming up again". She has COMPLETELY cut off all physical aspects of our marriage. I am having a very difficult time accepting this. It never was a problem before, but now all of a sudden, it is! I feel bad for what she went through. We are about 7 visits into therapy with no results yet. My wife doesn't seem to care about how I'm feeling. she says I just need to live with it! I should also say my wife suffers from depression & anxiety. The therapist has talked about Wellbutrin, but he isn't ready to prescribe it just yet. I would like to see her try this medication for the sake of our marriage, but the Dr. felt as if I were "pushing" her to take the meds. My wife IS NOT of sound mind. She can't sleep, she is very forgetful, to mention a few. where do I go from here? do I change therapists? insist on Wellbutrin for my wife? I haven't been able to tell the therapist what I am feeling. (My wife takes up the entire session, which is ok I guess) One day, I feel like filing for divorce and giving up. The next day, I won't feel quite as bad. I'm very confused. what do you suggest? Thank you, K Dear K, Is the therapist that your wife is seeing a psychiatrist? Only medical doctors can prescribe medication. While I am a therapist I am not a medical doctor and anyone I see who would need medication would have to be referred to a psychiatrist for medication evaluation. If your wife is not seeing a psychiatrist, I would urge you to suggest she see one. The symptoms and issues you have described in your letter would indicate to me that she needs a psychiatric evaluation. If her therapist is a psychiatrist and is reluctant to prescribe medication, then you might want to suggest to your wife that she get a second opinion. Another question that I have has to do with the nature of the therapy. Is it marriage counseling or is it therapy for your wife's condition? If it is her therapy, you might attend some of the sessions but it is about her and not you. Your relationship with your wife and her psychiatric condition are issues that may impact on one another but need to be dealt with separately. It sounds to me like your wife needs to be in individual therapy and perhaps you do too with a different therapist. Marriage counseling may also be needed especially if you are contemplating ending the marriage but I would put a hold on that for now. If this therapy is individual therapy for your wife, seven sessions is a relatively short time and probably too early to expect significant change. I would urge you to seek your own counseling. This situation must be very distressful to you and you need to sort out your own feelings that alternate between empathy and resentment. Let your wife's therapy be about her and your therapy be about you. Please get back to me and clarify the credentials of the therapist and the nature of the therapy. Also update me on any progress. happy(gettherighthelpthatyoubothneed)shrink
Dear Happy, I was diagnosed with depression recently. I have tried many antidepressants. The most recent one was Wellbutrin. Can this drug cause severe headaches? I stopped taking it because it seemed to be causing them. My doctor said it does not cause headaches and it is not one of the side affects. Any advice on an antidepressant which does not cause headaches? Thank you. S Dear S, I would respectfully have to disagree with your doctor. Headaches are a very possible side effect of Wellbutrin. However, headaches are a possible side effect of every anti-depressant that I know of. In most cases, the headaches will stop occurring as one's body adjusts to the medication, but I can't tell you a single anti-depressant that doesn't have headaches as one of it's side effects. I am wondering if the doctor you are seeing for your depression is a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist should be better informed about side effects as well as adjusting dosages to deal with them. If you are not seeing a psychiatrist, I would urge you to do so. The severity of the headaches might be reduced by adjusting the dosage over a period of time. A good psychiatrist can help to find the medication that will be most effective for you while also having the least amount of side effects. The psychiatrist may also want to do a neurological evaluation to determine if the headaches are related to a physical condition. Let me know what you think and how you are progressing. happy(getsheadachesevenwithoutmedication)shrink
Dear Happy .. "Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise." "... and the wind cries Mary..." (Hendrix OF COURSE) Those famous quotes above are examples of why hurricanes can ONLY be female names. Then we had to go and get all politically correct and now we have Hurricane Bruce and John etc .. then the ethnic people couldn't leave well enough alone so Mary became Maria and so on .. What's next ??? Hurricane Muhammad ??? Hurricane Abdul ??? Yes, hurricane season is my least favorite time of year ... JeWitch ™ PS .. I am looking forward to Hurricane Moishe ... Dear JeWitch, OK, I'll admit that hurricanes should be women, but what about Typhoid Mary? Isn't that description of a terrible disease pretty insensitive to a lot of very nice women who happen to have the name Mary? What about Typhoid Osama or Typhoid Sadaam? Maybe there are some nice people named Osama and Sadaam but frankly, who the f*** cares.?!!!! And another thing..... What if there really was a John or Jane Doe? Isn't it unfair that they are suspected of being infamous perpetrators and victims? How about calling anonymous people Rosie O'Donnell or Regis Philbin? And another thing..... Now you got me started and I have a big f***ing headache. I might want to call it a "JeWitch headache." See what you started? happy(maneatingsharkseasonismyleastfavoritetimeofyear)shrink
Date: October 5, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, Our 20 year old daughter had to drop out of school in March due to depression. She was put on Effexor 75 mgs. In July Risperdal was added (l mg) She seems now to be suffering from major social anxiety/phobia. She won't keep counselor appointments. (thinks they are dumb and won't open up to talk) She seems to be about 80% back but still has major crying spells occasionally and fears talking to profs, and even close friends. She has sudden mood changes, too, and can't seem to explain her behavior afterwards. She is supposed to be on the drugs at least a year. We are worried about side effects, addictiveness, and withdrawal problems from these powerful drugs. Also wonder if dosage needs to be increased or different drugs tried to reduce symptoms. She is able to complete some coursework now and seems to be coming back, but the setbacks are so hard on all of us. She had one other depressive episode in high school, and we wonder if this is going to be the pattern of her life. It is so discouraging as she is so full of promise, but her life has been on hold for 6 months. Diagnosis of major depression with psychotic aspects, and we are worried about schizophrenia. How is that ruled out? She has had the MMPI and inkblot tests. What can we do to get help for her??? She sees a psychiatrist monthly. Worried Dad Dear Worried Dad, It is a good sign that your daughter is responding to her medication and if she seems to be 80% back after six months, that's pretty significant. Unfortunately, there is no way that anyone can predict if her psychiatric condition in the future will be symptom free, chronic or episodic. It sounds to me that she has had comprehensive testing and is being treated appropriately. It would be beneficial if she could speak regularly with a therapist and I would gently encourage her to do so but not bug her about it. At least she is seeing her psychiatrist and is taking her meds. While side effects are always a concern and any side effects should be reported to her psychiatrist, they can be taken for extended periods of time without any long term problems for most individuals. As a parent of a 20 year old son who has also struggled with his late adolescence, I can certainly identify with your worry and concern. It is hard on everyone and your family needs to remain united. Ultimately though, it's your daughter's task to define herself and solve her problems. You need to continue to be a loving and supporting parent, willing to help but also letting her find her own way. That's the best any parent can do for any child. Good luck and please let me know how things are going. happy(willbeaworrieddadfortherestofhislife)shrink
Dear Happy, I am just wondering if there is some hidden psychological meaning to some recent feelings I have discovered. I'm a 35 yr old happily married man. But it seems I have a strange attraction to women named Angel. I only recently noticed it...that when I have to curb my feelings toward another woman that her name turns out to be Angel. Weird coincidence? -Tormented by Angels Dear Tormented by Angels, Yeah, the name is a weird coincidence. The dynamic of being a 35 year old happily married man and finding an attraction to another woman is neither weird nor a coincidence. It is very common for happily married men in their mid 30's to go through phases where they find other women attractive or intriguing. In some cases it ends up being an affair that may or may not destroy a marriage. In other cases it's just an obsession that eventually passes. At 35, men have their own psycho-biological clock that says, "There is only a few years left for me to still feel like a young man." For some men, who wish they were Peter Pan, they never even get married or make a commitment because they want to feel young forever. Yeah, right! For men like yourself that did manage to grow up and accept the responsibility of a wife and family, the struggle is often, "Will this be my last hurrah?" Just remember Tormented by Angels, that only you are tormenting yourself. How you choose to deal with this torment is up to you. I hope you make the right choice. happy(madetherightchoiceforhimself)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Reverend Al Dear Reverend Al, Your front lawn or mine? happy(willbringthenachosandbuffalowings)shrink
Date: October 2, 2002
Dear Happyshrink, How can I tell if I have ADD? I
think I have all the symptoms, but I'm not sure. And is it totally
crazy that I have about 9 different alter egos? H Dear H, Symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder are usually first detected by teachers or parents. Often a child who appears to be fairly bright doesn't seem to be working up to his or her potential. When this occurs, it is best to have the child tested. This is often done by a school psychologist or at a child guidance clinic. A psychiatrist is can be brought in to evaluate if there is a need for medication. Usually a team of educators will develop a Individual Education Plan (IEP). The plan may include special classes or tutoring. Parents are encouraged to participate in this process as well. While this process works well with many kids, sometimes kids slip through the cracks and are never diagnosed properly. Adults too can suffer from ADD that might not have been properly diagnosed when they were kids. Some will need to seek professional help. If you think you have ADD, I would suggest you seek professional help. If you are in school, you might want to speak to a school guidance counselor or even a teacher. If you are not in school, a good place to begin would be with your family physician. I don't exactly understand what you mean by having 9 different alter egos. What ever it means, it sounds like you need to speak to a psychiatrist about that as well. Get the help you need H. Do it now so you can live a healthy and normal life. Let me know how you make out. happy(hasenoughproblemswithjustoneego)shrink
Dear Happy, Did you know if you say Jesus backwards it says "sausage?" JeWitch Dear JeWitch, You definitely have too much time on your hands. Get back to work! happy(backtowork)shrink
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