Postings from July 1-31, 2002

Date: July 24, 2002

Dear Happyshrink:

I feel like I'm still in elementary school. I have a troubled couple of friendships with fellow girls (women to be pc). Individually, they have been my closest friends, the ones I do a lot with on the weekends. The ones I talk with almost every day. One was out-of-town for a year and just moved back--bringing old group dynamics that I don't enjoy. I end up feeling left out and put-down by the other two when we're all three together. This has happened before in my life and it makes me fearful and distrustful of girl group friendships. I start to withdraw and not enjoy time together. I feel like everyone starts to manipulate and play games. I don't want to feed into it and told them that I was feeling left out when we were together. So far, their solution seems to be to leave me out more now. I am very hurt and feel like by telling the truth, it has set me free--and I feel very alone. I'm not sure how I keep getting myself into these situations and getting hurt. I don't want to end up isolated and alone but I don't want to continue to get hurt and have to put up with behavior that makes me feel bad about life. How do I begin to build better relationships where I don't feel taken advantage of and cut-down and where I can feel free to share my feelings without fear of being abandoned for having these feelings? 

Trust and communication are big issues for me. Please help me to start making connections between my behavior/feelings and my friendship situation. And do you think I should try to salvage these major relationships or move on? I'm scared.

DB

Dear DB,

I don't have any information about how you and your friends relate to each other but clearly, you are doing something that turns your friends off. As this has happened before it doesn't sound to me like it is a result of your choosing lousy friends. Contrary to what you may believe, the problem isn't your being honest about your feelings. In healthy friendships that is an asset and not a liability. The fact that your sharing of feelings about "feeling left out" has resulted in their withdrawal indicates some feelings that they have about you that they are not sharing or that you are not hearing.

What you need to do (I suggest you do this on an individual basis with each of your friends) is ask them what it is about you that they have difficulty with. Ask them to be honest. Their answers may not be what you want to hear but the only way you will stop the cycle of poor relationships is find out what negative things you do to people and try to change it. 

Another thing you might want to consider is going into therapy. If you are feeling like you are still in elementary school when it comes to relationships and this has made you distrust people is something that needs to be corrected if you are going to have a fulfilling adulthood. You don't want to keep feeling like a victim DB. Psychotherapy will enable you to look at yourself and work out your problems. Get the help you need to have good friends and satisfying relationships. Good luck and please feel free to write me again. 

happy(friendshipstartswithbeingafriendtoyourself)shrink 

Dear JeWitch,

And I always thought that the Edna's two best features were her shoulder blades. Now I realize I was looking at her from the front and not the back. Go figure.

happy(cleaninghisglasses)shrink

Date: July 21, 2002

Dear Happyshrink,

My wife just accused me of being passive aggressive. When I look it up on line, it says a lot of things as symptoms that do relate to me. I am forgetful and have been since early childhood. I do show big signs of Procrastination. I considered it as being tired most of the time. I don't complain or resent much. I don't blame others but I do hold my anger in. I know if I let go my anger at the time I'm angry I will hurt someone or myself. I don't fear authority and nor do I resist suggestions from others. Do you think I qualify as a passive aggressive?

KCW

Dear KCW,

There are four basic reasons why people procrastinate:

1. They fear failure.

2. They fear success.

3. They have problems setting priorities.

4. They have issues around authority; what they should, must or have to do.

Number 4 sounds like you KCW and this reason for procrastination is usually accompanied by passive aggressive behavior. Forgetting to do things that you might not really don't want to do is possibly an issue that started in childhood with Parent-Child conflicts. When we get older, we may repress feelings of resentment towards authority. We may even fear to oppose them, so we do it in a passive way like forgetting or putting things off. As far as experiencing it as being tired most of the time, you are expending a lot of psychic energy repressing your anger and that can be extremely exhausting. Carrying the fear with you that if you really let go of your anger, you might hurt somebody is also a very heavy and tiresome burden. Also keep in mind that many of these dynamics can go on without our being consciously aware of them.

If you want to reduce and manage these behaviors of forgetfulness and procrastination so they don't impact negatively on your marriage and/or your job, you need to be able to express your anger in a way that gets it out of your system but doesn't harm or abuse others. Anger is a pretty normal feeling that everyone experiences from time to time. You need to keep in mind that anger isn't "wrong." There are actually no wrong feelings. Only wrong actions. It's the actions we need to control. Right now, the actions you are taking to deal with your anger is passive aggressive and can be destructive. 

So what can you do about this KCW? I would suggest you consider seeing a psychotherapist. The process of psychotherapy can help you get at the root of your procrastination as it relates to passive aggressive behavior. It may also uncover some underlying depression that may also be a part of this dynamic. The fact that you took the time to look it up on line and write me a letter tells me that this issue has importance in your life. Is it important enough to get the help you need to overcome it? Please feel free to respond to my letter and update me on your progress. Good luck.

happy(thinksit'simportantenough)shrink

Dear JeWitch,

One thing you can say about Edna that you can't say about Bubba. At least when Edna has to "Go," she goes to a bathroom!

happy(andatleastshewipestoo)shrink

This is not a letter but some interesting thoughts forwarded by way of Judiblueye:

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' & 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Date: July 20, 2002

Happy,

My ex-husband committed suicide in June- The divorce was messy but even worse is that I had to tell our 10yr old daughter . His visitation with her was like pulling her teeth and the only reason that she would agree to go see him was because she was afraid that I would go to jail if she didn't. I always encouraged her to go, because right or wrong, he was her Father, but 9 times out of 10 he would either bad-mouth me or be off with his friends. She saw and heard the abuse before we left and after the divorce, He was fighting to take her away from me. When He couldn't do that, his phone calls became less often and when we didn't hear from him, I would have her call because I knew how I would feel if I were in his shoes. 

He had battled addictions for most of his life and I went into therapy to find out why, in my second marriage, I had chosen to stand by a man that was the total opposite of me. He was all into himself, selfish, and had an under-lying hate for women. Crafty and sly, and actually just like my father. You can see the pattern that I had set for myself and when I realized what I was doing, I knew I had to get out to save my daughter, so she won't repeat it in her own life. All I have told her is that her daddy was troubled but he loved her very much. She hasn't asked me yet why, if he loved her he could do such a thing, and I'm not quite sure how to answer that. She did tell me that he just gave up. 

His parting gift to his Mother was to do it in front of her. The women whom he professed to love, having grown up in a divorced family. Part of me feels guilty, thinking maybe I could have helped him and another part is damn angry thinking that he is laughing at me when I feel sad, knowing that I would take on the guilt. I do however hope that maybe he stayed away from her because he couldn't trust his judgment around her and in my heart I thank God because I not to sure that he wouldn't have done us all in at the same time. He had threatened me many times. To take me out when I least expected it. 

Any response that you could give me would be most helpful. This is going to go on for a very long time, but for today, I just answer what I'm asked about it. I did however go back and get all the pics of him and her together and enlarged them for her room. She sleeps in his tee-shirt. Thanks for your time

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

What you have told your daughter about her father has been appropriate and accurate. He was a very troubled man and his personal problems prevented him showing his love to anyone he got close to. It was also the right thing for you to get out of an abusive marriage and protect your daughter. If you stayed in the relationship longer with the purpose of helping him, you would have put yourself and your daughter in even greater danger. You would have also increased the emotional damage that your husband's dysfunctional behaviors have inflicted on the both of you. Given the severity of his problems, you are lucky that he did not direct his last violent act on the two of you as well. I understand your feeling somewhat guilty about the whole thing. That comes with your family history and your life experiences with domestic violence. I hope that someday you can look at what you did in the face of an impossible situation and say "Good for me; I saved myself and my daughter."

While your ex-husband is no longer a physical danger to you or your daughter, the damage he caused before his suicide is still a problem and can be a danger in the future. You said you didn't want your daughter repeating the same mistakes in her own life. Just as you are in therapy to develop a healthier self worth and not make the same mistakes from your past, I would hope your daughter is in therapy as well. While she can talk to you about some of her feelings, talking to a therapist about her life experiences and her feelings about you as well as her father is critical for her healthy development. Some family therapy with the two of you may also be indicated and either you or your daughter's therapist should consider that need.

There are no guarantees of how your daughter will handle her life just as there are no guarantees on how your life will progress. The love and support you give to one another as well as the insight you can gain from psychotherapy will go a long way to heal some very deep wounds. Even after they are healed, scars may remain. You can't undo the past but you can work towards a happier future. That's what you need to do now for yourself and your daughter. Please feel free to write me again Dawn and let me know how you and your daughter are doing.

happy(stillworkingtowardsahappyfuture)shrink 

Dear Happy,

Saturday night somethin' come up to bring a question to my mind.  The boys, Snake, Dui, Bubba and The Earl, was gittin' drunk as usual down to the What Not Inn, an' Jewitch, Edna an' me walks in.  Now all four o' the boys turn round standin' at the bar. Bubba an' The Earl say "Hi Honey" and all 4 in unisin...unosin....all at once pick up their beer with their right hand an' grab their package with the left like Jocko himself.  JeWitch looks at me an' I look at Edna like "What the hell was that?"  Then we got us a drink an' sat down an' watched 'em.  They never let go their package. Even each one lit the other's cigarette so they didn't have to let go of their crotch.   

Edna thought that maybe when the feelin' starts to leave their brains, they is afraid they might lose their jewels.  Jewitch says that they is afraid they might lose their balance an' land on their peckers.  I personally think they don't want to stop drinkin' to take a pee break an' they was pinchin' the end. 

But we decided to ask the smartest guy we know what the real story is.  Whatcha think, Happy?

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

Edna and JeWitch were wrong and you  were right. Those good ol' boys were just making sure that they didn't pee in their pants until they enjoyed a full night of brewskies. We men folks up North would never do something so crude, lewd and disgusting. When we go out drinking on a Saturday night, we just slip on a pair of "Depends." But then, we are more sophisticated.

happy(puttingsomeGreyPoupononhischeeseandcrackers)shrink

Date: July 17, 2002

Dear Happy,

I think I've been depressed and frustrated with my life for a few years now. While certain things are going okay and I think I have come out of the worst isolation period, my mind yesterday suddenly seemed to be focusing on violent visions - homicidal visions. I started driving back from a very intense and liberating solo wilderness trip (4 days) exhausted from the long day. As I was driving down this never ending dark curvy forest road (getting frustrated that a woman might have given me bad directions), this negative voice seemed to awake in me. I tried to argue it away in the car but it still slips thoughts into my head that I do not like. I am a very gentle person who is usually very laid back. It scares me to see my mind doing this. Does this happen to really frustrated people?

Believe me I would never do anything to hurt someone, but why is my mind harassing me like this? I am seeing a counselor now (just started), but I am nervous about mentioning this homicidal stuff. Really I just want to accept it as a sign that I need to address my issues immediately. I'd rather not focus on it and give it the light of day. Then again hiding it may not work either. I hope you can reply to me. 

Thanks.

CS

Dear CS,

I am glad you are seeing a counselor. Clinical depression is often accompanied by anger and that negative voice is not unusual. While homicidal thoughts are certainly a red flag that something is wrong, most depressed people with these thoughts can control their behaviors. I would be concerned if you have had a history of explosive behavior that had resulted in your becoming either physically violent with someone else, you have made harassing threats to someone else, or your anger has caused you to destroy property. It doesn't sound to me like this is the case.

As far as sharing information with your counselor, there is a process involved here. You may not feel comfortable sharing all your thoughts and feelings initially. If you connect in productive way with your counselor, you will feel more and more comfortable to share disturbing thoughts as well as look at some of the problems you are having.

Going into therapy is a journey. It can be one of the most difficult things that anyone can do. It takes courage to risk and there are no guarantees. At some point all of your issues need to come out if you are going to be helped. Good luck on your journey CS and please drop me a postcard during one of your stops along the way to let me know how you are doing.

happy(longtimejourneyman)shrink

Methos replies to Judiblueye:

Dear Happy,

This is in response to Judiblueye, about the situation that might happen with her ex.  There are several organizations you can find on the web, just search for "dead beat dads", that will give you help and information on how you can force them to continue child support and medical.  If nothing else call your local DHS and tell them the situation.  They usually step in and let him know he is still responsible, also if he moves and uses his social security number when he gets a job, they can automatically garnish his wages.  I would like to suggest that you start now, getting all the information you will need to make sure that even though his life might fall apart, yours doesn't.  

There are ways, and the system no longer allows for dads or moms to go without paying, not like they use to. Good luck and don't give up

Methos

Date: July 12, 2002

Dear Readers:

The sale of the children fell through.  That means another road trip up to Vermont to fetch them.  I will be back for Wednesday's posting and also for GROUP on Tuesday.  

- Happyshrink

Date: July 10, 2002

Dear Happyshrink,

The ex-husband jumped on the dot-com bandwagon just as the bottom was falling out of it and consequently he was laid-off as of July 3rd. The company he worked for is closing completely. He says he has sent out lots of resumes with no results. Hesounds almost joyful at the idea of being unemployed and is talking about declaring bancruptcy, letting go of the house and moving into a trailer on the land his wife owns in a state on the west coast. My kids have health insurance through the end of August and then? If I have to put the kids on my insurance at work I'll be out another $200 a pay check, and the missing child support will dig an even bigger hole in the balance sheet. 

I have so little left in my mental reserves I can't even think about how we will manage Just when I thought the crap-storm was over here comes another pile...

Sincerely,

Judiblueye

Dear Judiblueye,

Unfortunately crap-storms are always there even when we have a water shortage. I don't have a simple answer for you but I have some suggestions. First off, your ex's former employer is required by law to offer him COBRA insurance. Even if he chooses to drop his own coverage, he is obliged by your divorce agreement to continue your kid's coverage. Try to impress upon him the need for this to happen. If he does sell his house and moves into a trailer, he will have some money that can go for his child support payments. He still is required by law to support his kids even when he's unemployed. They are cracking down more than ever on deadbeat dads and you should make sure that you get your kid's fair share.

I know that my suggestions are somewhat simple solutions to a complex ongoing problem. I can already see reply to me explaining how your husband can beat the system and screw you again. I'm sure that may be true. You have survived this far Judi and you will continue to survive. That's what it's all about. Keep fighting.

happy(keepwritingandI'llkeeplistening)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I just bought something new for my home and I can't wait to show it to you:

The only question I have for you is, "What the hell is it?"

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

It just so happens that my 13 year old bought the same thing at WalMart. It's a Supersoaker 5000!

happy(youareforbiddentoplaywithitinthehouse)shrink

Date: July 7, 2002

Dear Happyshrink,

In my desperate attempts to accept who and what I am, I stumbled across some information written by Dr. Ralph Allison.  My group therapist was the first to talk about the subject of an ISH and after I read more about it, I recognized that I have had an ISH with me as well.  Since you have been in the field for quite some time, I assume you have read some things he has written, and I am curious if you have read "Minds In Many Pieces?"  I spoke to my main therapist and he said I should read it, he also suggested that I put down my thoughts in the book, so he could go back, read the book and read my thoughts at the same time.  I thought that was kind of cool.

I know you have suggested the Dialectic method to me several times, and I did ask and look around.  In Tulsa, I have found very few that will work with someone like me, many look at me then remark that they have heard of people like me but have never seen one.  Can you spell "FREAK" !!!!!!!!!!!!!   Anyway I am thankful that I have found two people who view me as a person even though I don't.  He wants me to give myself some self worth, I think he's full of shit.  If I open up to him, he will leave me, that's the way it works. By the way, how did your daughters project with the post cards turn out?

Me

Dear Me,

First let me tell you that Rikki's project turned out very well. She received a grade of 102 (some extra credit in there) and was one of the top grades in her class. The Post cards you sent her were well received by her classmates and parents who came in to view all the student projects. Thanks again.

I really have not read anything by Dr. Ralph Allison but after receiving your letter, I did look him up on the Internet and read a few abstracts of his theories. The concept of an ISH (Inner Self Helper) is a very plausible one and I think his approach to Dissociative Disorders and MPD is very sound. While he introduces the concept of a spiritual being, it is in the context of sound clinical theory. 

I don't know your group therapist and I can't guarantee that he won't leave you once you open up to him. I realize that your past experiences have made that a real consideration. I do hope that you continue to work with him and he earns your trust. Good luck on the continuing journey.

happy(journeyingtothepoolthisafternoon)shrink

Date: July 6, 2002

Dear Happyshrink,

I am about to begin high school. Before school got out, I was so psyched about summer. But now that its here, I am bored to death! I sit on my fat butt every day bored, while I watch my other friends get together every day at the movies, or at the mall, whatever. They ALWAYS do stuff. I NEVER do stuff. Its hard when I have younger siblings that my mother must take care of. But it's not fair! Its not fair that THEY always do stuff, and I NEVER do! what are some things to take me out of this awful boredom?!?!?! Appreciate your help. thank you.

RG

Dear RG,

No it's not fair. This is your summer too and you should have time to enjoy it. I understand that your mom may have a lot of responsibilities and she depends on you to help out. There is nothing wrong with that but you should also have free time to go out with your friends. I suggest that you talk to your mother and ask her to help schedule several times a week for you to get together with your friends. Perhaps other relatives, friends or family members can watch your siblings while you have some time for yourself. Everyone needs time for themselves. Perhaps you can also work out a deal where you give her some free time in exchange for your free time. Sharing responsibilities is can make everyone happier. Try to be positive and upbeat when you talk to your mom about this. If it sounds like a whine or a complaint, she may not be as receptive to your request. Good luck and let me know how it works out. I hope you enjoy your summer.

happy(goingtothepoollater)shrink

Dear Happy,

Her is some lesson's I learned from the latest 4th of July disaster:

JeWisdom: Grilling tips (after spending 4th of July with Bubba & Edna) 

• Try not to set anything on fire, the cat, dog, the kids, your house the neighbors house, car, garage or out buildings. 

• Use meat from A real "store" ok?

• Keep a bucket of water or a hosepipe real close.

• Stock up on burn ointment, band aids, aspirin and wet naps.

• Oh, and be sure and keep burning food away from your wife or relatives "Big Hair" ok?

• Also be sure and avoid the phrase "Hey y'all watch this" it makes people real nervous.

Dear JeWitch,

It's 2 days after the 4th of July and you are still alive to talk about it. You must have been following your own JeWisdom. And tell your boyfriend that the hair on his head, his eyebrows and mustache will fully grow back in just a couple of months. He should be thankful. The parts that burnt off DUI will never grow back.

happy(preferswateroverfire)shrink

Date: July 3, 2002

Dear TM,

I believe one counselor already gave you the best advice. Get away from him. Get out of the relationship. Even being friends with him may be bad for you. I understand that you were engaged to this person and may still deeply care for him. That will make it hard for you to leave the situation. At least you deeply cared for the person you thought he was. Seeing each other just once a month can conceal a lot about a person and clearly it has done that during your courtship. 

If he is in denial about his condition and refuses to seek help, there is really nothing that you or anyone else can do. His explosive behavior sounds potentially dangerous too. He will only be helped when he can come to the realization that he has a problem and he has lost friends and loved ones because of it. That realization could take a month, a year, ten years or may never occur. His parents denial doesn't help either.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is nothing TM. I believe that this is the case with you and this man. Beyond that, you need to focus on your own life and your own future. This relationship has done some damage to you too. You may want to see a therapist for a period of time to help you get over it. Let me know what you think.

happy(nevereasytoleave)shrink

Dear Happy,

If you will recall, with my superior knowledge of mixed drinks, I won a pair of tickets to the Saturday's Predators football game.  I was thinkin' from the day I won bout how good those guys look in their football outfits, with their big shoulder pads and little hips, like Rue Paul, with them tight form fitting pants, an' them flat rippling bellies an' their powerful thighs.  I decided to git The Earl a couple cases o' beer an', if that didn't do it, I'd part with the gin (night stock) under my pillow ( now you know I love the guy to do that) (an' not that I didn't want to spend my tickets on him) ( an' not that I love any football player over The Earl), but I know I couldn't really look at those gorgeous hunks with him maybe bein' jealous.  Besides, it don't hurt to just look.  

Anyhow, when The Earl passed....fell asleep, that slut Edna an' me took off for the football game.   (Ha!  I'm good, ain't I?)  Well, we git there an' these guys has got no shoulder pads, everybody is a kicker, NO TIGHT PANTS (only baggy shorts),  no helmets an' nobody piled up on nobody, a net to ketch the ball UNDER the goal posts, an' a round checkered black an' white ball.  By half the game nobody scored no points, so Edna an' me left.  What the hell kinda football is that???

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

It's European Football. You probably don't know too much about European men but I would strongly suggest that you stick with "the Earl". He's the kind of guy that appreciates a woman who will flash her boobs at a football game.

happy(aurevoir)shrink