Postings from June 1 - 30, 2002

Date: June 29-30, 2002   (Road trip this weekend)

Dear Happy:

I think you welcome dreams for analysis. If not, please disregard. Here's one from the recesses of my brain. It gets interesting and weird at the end.

The dream began with my entering a stately gray stone manor of monolithic size. Upon entering the enormous home, I was in a foyer that stretched at least 30 flights up. The foyer floor was roughly the size of a basketball court. All four walls were consumed by enormous dark wood book shelves that stretched continuously from the main floor level to the ceiling. The shelves were filled with gorgeous leather-bound books of all shapes and sizes. Just being in the room gave me pause, the books were so beautiful, the book smell was lovely. But the size of the room was almost overwhelming and the room itself was ominous. Why were all the books there? Who's were they?

There was an enormous heavy wooden staircase with thick balustrades leading up. Each floor level had a balcony that circled the circumference of the room. The thick staircase stopped at each floor and continued up almost into infinity. The foyer was poorly lit so I could not see detail beyond one floor above me. I started climbing because I wanted to know what was at the top of the staircase, what it looked like up there, if it was dusty, etc. I went about three flights up and started getting nervous being so far away from the doorway leading outside. I kept going and was another two flights up and given the amount of time it took me to climb the stairs, I was mentally calculating how much time it would take me to get down them should I be threatened by anything or anyone. Another flight up it was very very dark and I was afraid, so I stopped mid-staircase to reassess my progress. Looking over the balustrade, I got dizzy because I was so high up. Looking up, I gasped and said out loud, "They're on the CEILING!?" I was so puzzled. From where I was, I could see that book shelves filled with books lined every inch of the ceiling of the foyer. This freaked me out and I decided to get the hell out of there pronto.

I started climbing down the stairs as quickly as I could. I felt like I was going to fall. I was terrified. It was dark and I couldn't see and suddenly I sat down. My legs dangled over the end of the staircase. I had sat on the last stair. If I hadn't sat down, I would have fallen into a black pit. The house had changed. I sat in stunned silence for a minute and finally crawled backwards up the steps to a landing covered in red wool carpet. I walked along a hall and came to a set of stairs leading down to an open area. It was filled with people, there was a party going on. I decided to walk down the stairs and mingle with the complete strangers just to see if I could figure out something about the house. I was walking around the party and I slowly realized everyone was not quite right. It was like being at a carnival sideshow. People were odd but not in a pronounced way, it was a feeling I got.

I spotted a woman who looked close to my age sitting next to an old woman on the bottom stair of the staircase I had just descended. I walked over to the pair and sat next to the old lady. I spoke to the old lady, who was the mother of the young woman. I came to realize, as our conversation took outrageous twists and bends, that she was mentally ill. Suddenly, the old woman stood up and walked off without a word. Then I started speaking to the young woman. I told her I thought her mother was nice. The young woman was changing the lens on a camera. We started talking and she seemed so wise, it was unusual in a woman her age.

Because her calm sageness impressed me, I asked her how old she was. She set her camera on her lap, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm over 300 years old." She was telling me the truth. I was surprised, but it seemed to make sense. I asked her how old she thought I was. "Twenty-three," she said. I am four years older than that, but I feel younger, so I said, "That's about right."

I was distracted by two identical twins with identical conjoined twins--they were quadruplets--in matching outfits who boisterously came down the stairs. The women were in their 40s, wearing tutus, and had their conjoined twins strapped to their backs with blue straps. It was as though the conjoined twin was a back pack strapped onto the freestanding twin. Each strapped-on twin had an arm that had atrophied in a position over their foreheads, which gave them the attitude that they were long-suffering. They looked very bored, which was an interesting juxtaposition to their spirited twins who were the life of the party and very well received by every person there.

Bleecker

Dear Bleecker,

I haven't done a lot of dream interpretation in recent years but I always find dreams very meaningful and clearly your dream is filled with symbolism and issues that are affecting your life. Here goes:

Perhaps your entering this big house represents your entering a new stage of your life. The future just like this house is very overwhelming. There are books that can give you knowledge and teach you what you need to know. They look beautiful and even smell good but there are so many of them (extending to the entire ceiling) that they are also intimidating. It makes you feel unprepared for your journey. As you move up this long winding staircase you are very scared. You don't know what the future holds for you and you want to be able to retreat from it if you need to. 

As you go further up the stairs, it gets darker and even more threatening. Eventually you must retreat and go back to a safer place. Perhaps this has been a pattern of you life where you have attempted to try new things only to fail and return to a lower level of functioning. 

Upon your return you enter a party with a lot of people who are "not right." Perhaps they, like you have retreated from life and had trouble fitting in. You see a young girl and her mother. This young girl seems mature beyond her years and you find out that she is 300 years old while you are only 27 and feel even younger than your years. Perhaps this is makes you feel even more inadequate. 

Finally there are the conjoined twins who are long time suffering. Perhaps you actually feel like conjoined twins. There is the healthy part of you that is trying live life in a normal and healthy way, but then there is the burden of the unhealthy part of you that is strapped on your back. Your struggle is to not let the unhealthy part of you bring you down.

So that's my interpretation of your dream. I would be interested to know what your  own thoughts are as well as your thoughts about my interpretation. Please write me back and tell me what you think.

happy(tosleepperchancetodream)shrink

 

Good evening Happy Shrink:

We have had a spirited conversation concerning the origin of the term "shrink" describing a psychiatrist. Can you help me with the source of the term?

Ric

Dear Ric,

The original term describing a psychiatrist was "head shrinker." When modern psychiatry was in it's infancy in the late 19th century, much of it was rejected by the medical community and doctors practicing psychiatry were likened to Witch Doctors who's power was not from science but mysticism and magic. Going back even further, Mental illness in the middle ages was often viewed as some kind of demonic possession. In desperation, people would go to healers, spiritualists and mystics to be treated. Psychiatry from a historical prospective was often thought of as an extension of mysticism more than of medical science. 

Even today, there is a prejudice against psychiatry and a belief that mental illness is not a real illness but a flaw in one's character. Today, the term shrink is used to describe anyone doing psychotherapy. While the term is no longer considered derogatory in an overt way, it still carries the stigma of having some kind of unearthly power over people. I hope this answers your question Ric. 

happy(pullingrabbitsoutofhats)shrink

 

Date: June 26, 2002   

 

Date: June 23, 2002   

Dear cnot,

When someone contemplates suicide down to the details of how they are going to do it there is definitely a risk. The risk is diminished though if the person maintains that they never intend to follow through on it and they have no prior history of harming themselves. In these cases, the idea of suicide is somewhat of an obsession. People can also have obsessive thoughts of harming others or committing other acts of violence and destruction without ever having committed these acts. In many cases, these thoughts have the purpose of getting attention and not really doing any damage.

What I would try to watch for in the case of a person with obsessive thoughts about suicide is their "script changing." If they go from saying that they would never act on their thoughts to they would "probably" never act on their thoughts, that should raise a red flag. If someone goes from saying that they often wish they were dead, to they often wish they could kill themselves, that would also raise a red flag. 

I would also look for changes in their mood. If someone with obsessive suicidal thoughts becomes more depressed than usual I would urge them to see a psychiatrist or therapist. However, sometimes the opposite may be true as well. If someone who is chronically depressed and has suicidal ideations suddenly becomes happy and "at peace" with themselves, I might be concerned that they may have decided to follow through on their thoughts.

Anyone with regular suicidal thoughts should be in treatment cnot. If you know anyone who has these thoughts, even though they have never acted on them, it's a good idea to urge them to seek help. 

Here is a bonus thought of the day just for you cnot: "Never use a big word when a diminutive one will perceptibly suffice."

happy(perceptiblymorediminutive)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

When I commented to my mother that this last year had been especially difficult, she pointed out that perhaps it was because my children are 9 and 11 this year (as in 9/11/2001). By this logic, things should get better in the next few weeks when they turn 10 and 12, or we all had better be on our toes the second week of next October. Any thoughts? I'm hoping for the former option myself.

Sincerely,

Judi(Allthreeofuswerebornunderthesignofthecrab)Blueye

Dear Judi,

Unfortunately, we will have to be on our toes 24/7 from now on. I do believe that some of the traumatic events that have occurred this past year have had an impact on all our kids. To a greater or lesser extent, they must feel more vulnerable as well as less certain about the future. We adults feel that way too. Add to that all that has gone on in your personal life Judi and it's not hard to explain why this past year was so difficult. I do think things will get better Judi, but life will continue to be a struggle. It always is. The key is trying to find that glass that's half full rather than the one that's half empty. It's not always easy to find that half filled glass but keep trying.

happy(stillkeepstrying)shrink 

 

Dear JeWitch,

I haven't seen you this calm and care free in years. Perhaps my daily postings were getting to you. Now that you only have to read them 3 times a week, you are clearly more stable, more inquisitive and more congenial (At this point you may become "Miss Congeniality").

Now that you are so good at finding information on the Internet, maybe you could look up a few things for me because I am much too busy to do it myself. Here they are:

1. How much money did Monica Lewinsky's father pay for her Bat Mitzvah?

2. How many different Beanie Babies are there?

3. What is a good shampoo and conditioner for hair that is exposed to chlorine from a swimming pool?

4. How many "Lite Brite" bulbs come with a standard set?

5. What are Ken, Skipper, Stacey, Tracy and GI Joe's full names?

6. What was Carol Brady's maiden name?

7. How many Jews are in the Major League Baseball, the NFL, the NBA & the NHL?

8. How many Gentiles are there in the Motion Picture Industry?

9. Are there any good strategies for reducing flatulence?

10. Are there any good strategies for increasing flatulence (for those who like the way they smell!)?

 

Date: June 22, 2002   

hello happyshrink,

I e-mailed you a while ago about being depressed and I'm glad to say that I feel a lot better now. Although I still have problems just like everyone else (self-destructive friends, testifying in court, exams) I think I can handle it. Except for this.

My 17 yr old sister (who I am very very close to) had to leave/was kicked out because she couldn't take my parents anymore and I guess they couldn't take her (which outrages me, she is an incredibly sweet and understanding person) they are emotionally abusive, indifferent, complacent, and though not to her, to me sometimes physically abusive.

I fully support her decision to leave, she has good solid plans and another family to help her. Of course I can't help feeling selfish, I don't want to be here alone. I've made a promise to myself, that if things get too out of control, I'll find somewhere else to stay. I was wondering if you had any tips on how to best avoid worsening my parents anger and increase my chances of getting kicked out??

---thank-you for your time

J

Dear J,

If you are under 18 years of age and being physically abused by your parents, you should contact a school counselor who is mandated to report such allegations to the child welfare agency in your community. Child abuse is against the law and if that is happening to you, you should get help to get out of the situation. If your sister was able to get out on her own and find good support systems, more power to her but you need to do something about your situation as well. Your sister's leaving may have an impact on your situation too. There is a possibility that it might make things better for you, but there is just as good a chance that it can make things worse.

At the very least J, you should work on a plan for getting into a healthier environment. It may take some time, but it will empower you to become more self sufficient and eventually become free of abuse.

I can't really give you an idea about what to do or not do to avoid abuse J. I don't know what the issues are in your home, nor do I know what sets off your parents. For many abusers, it doesn't matter what the victim's behavior is. They will find a reason for being abusive because it serves as a way of dealing with their own frustrations and unhappiness. If they are unhappy, they can always blame it on you. 

So get the help you need J to become abuse free. People out there will help if you ask them. Good luck and feel free to write me back.

happy(outtheretohelp)shrink

 

Dear Elizabeth,

The numbness doesn't go away unless you get some help and work through your PTSD from your rape as well as other childhood traumas that you may have repressed. The numbness serves as a protection from being violated emotionally just as your weight gain gives you protection from being violated physically. Both may work effectively, but the consequence is a sad and unfulfilling life. You deserve more than that Elizabeth.

There are mental health professionals that specialize in working with long term trauma victims as well as the symptoms that accompany them. If you want to start feeling again, you have to start by reaching out to people who can give you both individual and group support. I urge you to get the help you need Elizabeth. If you are already in some form of treatment, I would urge you to seek out a support group for women who have been raped and sexually abused. Much of how you feel or don't feel is not very different from other women who have had your experiences. You are not alone and you don't have to be alone. Get the help you need now.

happy(Itsbettertofeel)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Bubba failed the civil service test to become a street sweeper but it wasn't his fault. They make the test so hard that only geniuses like you can pass it. Just look at these tough questions.

What language is spoken in France?

Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

Would you ask William Shakespeare to:

1. build a bridge
2. sail the ocean
3. lead an army or
4. WRITE A PLAY

What religion is the Pope?

1. Jewish
2. Catholic
3. Hindu
4. Polish
5. Agnostic

(check only one)

Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

1. Bed time
2. 5:00
3. am or pm?
4. Happy hour

How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

What are people in America's far north called?

1. Westerners
2. Southerners
3. Northerners
4. Foreigners

Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

Where does rain come from?

1. Macy's
2. A 7-11
3. Canada
4. the sky
5. Prince

Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?

1. yes
2. no
3. He wasn't my relative.

What are coat hangers used for?

The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium- OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

Where is the basement in a three story building located?

Which part of America produces the most oranges?

1. New York
2. Florida
3. Canada
4. Europe

Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

1. B.C.
2. A.D.
3. Still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

Can you blame Bubba for flunking the test? And what is Cornell?

Edna

Dear Edna,

I guess Bubba has to set his sights on something less intellectually challenging than being a street sweeper. I still think that he would make a great rodeo clown.

happy(Cornellisthe13thgrade)shrink

 

Date: June 19, 2002   

Just a reminder that Tuesday Chat Groups are continuing despite other cutbacks.

hey happyshrink,

I'm writing because I HATE being me. I want to be dead. I kept cutting my arms and crying today. I hate being me so much and I can't see anything positive. i just can't. I slept with this boy, my first time this weekend, and I just really didn't want to. but he did and now I feel so crap and dirty and used. I just wanted to hold him and let go. I'm so scared about seeing him again. i want to cry. I hate being me. I want to ask my therapist to put me on Prozac but she'll think I'm an absolute loser and laugh.

please respond and tell me what to do or is there no hope?

desperate

Dear desperate,

I don't blame you for feeling terrible. You made a bad choice and you can't undo it. But that's part of growing and learning. It would be great if all our choices were correct and if we could learn from other people's mistakes. We are able to do that for many of life's experiences, but sometimes we learn the hard way. 

What you need to do now desperate is speak to your therapist and share your feelings about what happened. You aren't the first person who made this kind of mistake and you won't be the last. What you need to do is learn from it. Use your therapist in a way so you can learn to handle future situations better. She will also be able to help you deal with what you do when you see this boy again. There is hope desperate but you need to get help for hope to triumph. Don't let one mistake ruin your life. There's too much wonder to be experienced for that to happen. Please feel free to write me again.

happy(onthesideofhope)shrink

 

Methos responds to "Tired" (June 15, 2002)

I would like to respond to Tired's letter, although my situation was different, I understand all to well the feelings that come with making the choice to put a loved one in a care facility.  When faced with my mother's Alzheimer's, I felt so guilty when I had to move her into a home.  I felt like I should be able to take care of her, that I was a bad person because I sent her away.  The truth is, when an illness gets to a certain point, whether it's Alzheimer's or the disease Tired describes, no matter how hard it is, the best thing for all concerned is to allow a 24 hour facility to help them.

Unless you are just so filthy rich that you can afford 24 hour care in your home, your loved one is safer with those who can look after them all the time.  
Tired, you have all the stress that comes with raising children, along with all the sadness, tiredness, and stress that is involved with caring for a sick loved one.  The turmoil of making the choices you will make are never easy, and for years you may still go through the "would have, should have, could have" stuff, I know I have and do sometimes.  But, you are no good to any one if you are so run down, and let's face it, your children are hurting and not getting a good, strong relationship with their father, so, that leaves you.  I don't know what decision you will make, that is for you to decide, but consider this; once I put my mother in a home I knew she was being taken care of in a better way than I could do.  I started sleeping better, feeling better, and I had more energy to give her when I was with her.  For a long time I cried when I would leave the facility because I felt guilty, it took a long time to realize I had done the best I could for her, it didn't mean I loved her any less.
Good luck Tired, you are a person too and deserve love and happiness.

Methos   

"A wandering geriatric therapist" responds to tired too:

In response to "Tired", his wife should have him thoroughly evaluated for depression. Depression commonly accompanies Parkinson's and other neurological diseases, and if left untreated can speed the progression. Depression can make dementia, especially in the early stages, look a lot worse. It seems like depression and Parkinson's very frequently go together, and a young person facing such a diagnosis is nearly inevitably going to be depressed. He may do better and be more active on an antidepressant.

Assisted living can be a really wonderful solution. When Parkinson's or another progressive disease is involved, it is often best to choose a community which has both assisted living and nursing care, as both will probably be necessary. This avoids a transition to another facility when nursing care is required. It is also good to be sure that therapy is available in in-house, as he probably will need this as well. If concern about transitioning to the facility is an issue, Tired should speak to staff and make sure that the facility she chooses has a philosophy she agrees with.

A wandering geriatric therapist

Good advice from both Methos and A wandering therapist. I hope they help you Tired.

happy(nottheonlyonewithgoodadvice)shrink

 

Date: June 16, 2002   

Happy Father's Day

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Thanks for having this page so that people like myself are able to ask questions that don't cost $150 per hour to find the answer. My ? Well I lost 2 grandchildren to a house fire 1year 6 months ago. Have been treated for deep depression via Celexa then Zoloft and Xanax. These are of no use to me and I was wondering of all the wonders of the world of Medicine, where is there relief for things like I am experiencing? Inability to work (no focus) loneliness, grief, no sense of need for living, anger, headaches, tired (always) just want to sleep my life away. I am 54 and this is just the tip of the ice-berg. Is this normal? You see he was a son to me as I raised him since he was little and gave him back to his mom. So he was more than a grandson he was my life. Please help! I have no job, no insurance, I have lost everything including myself.

SJ

Dear SJ,

Medications can relieve symptoms but they don't bring back people we have lost. They don't give us a reason for living and they don't take the place of love and support. I don't know if their are people in your life right now who can help you but I would urge you to reach out and find a support group. There are family service agencies that provide support groups for people who have lost loved ones and have difficulty overcoming their grief. Often the service is free or the fee is very nominal. I would urge you to look into such programs in your community. You might also want to contact the organization I mentioned in the previous letter (NAMI). They might also know of support groups in your area. To access their web site click here. 

I don't know if anyone ever reconciles the loss of a child or a grandchild SJ. There is something inherently unfair about it. When bad things happen to good people, other good people have to support them. Get the help and support you need SJ. Please feel free to write me again. As always, the $150 fee is waived.

happy(freeofchargeandwortheverypenny)shrink 

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Just a warning to all your readers: Never let your dog accidentally get into your washing machine and never use too much fabric softener. Just look what happened to Rover:

Sincerely,

Mildred Thigpen

Dear Mildred,

Are you sure that's Rover? It looks an awful lot like Gilbert after he falls asleep in the bathtub.

happy(takingshortshowersonly)shrink

 

Date: June 15, 2002   

Dear Happyshrink,

I really hate it when my therapist describes another one of his clients as "exquisitely beautiful", yet another as "beautiful" and me as "attractive".   I don't like the thought of being on the lower end of the "aesthetically pleasing" scale.  He reinforces my ideas that I am hideous, and somehow lacking as a creature.  I know he was trying to make a point, but I don't need to hear how others are so much more appealing than I am;  I can figure that out on my own.  He missed another session yesterday, I waited for thirty minutes.  He had a great reason, and yes, I understand people make mistakes.

I wanted to kill him, but of course, I turn it inward.

No-one

Dear No-one,

If your therapist has too many good reasons for missing too many appointments then he's in the wrong business and doing you a disservice. Therapists above all must be accessible. Emergencies may come up on occasion, but it shouldn't be a common theme. If his life is that busy, perhaps he needs to cut down on his obligations and you need to seek out another therapist. 

As far as his describing other patients as "beautiful" and you as "attractive," I can certainly see how this can make you feel like you are on "the lower end of the aesthetically pleasing scale." What you need to do No-one is let your therapist know how these references make you feel. As a therapist, I may sometimes appear to be thoughtless by using a poor choice of words. When I get feedback about it from a patient, it helps me to say things more effectively as well as understand that person better. 

I know how difficult it is to feel anger without it getting out of control No-one, but anger is a healthy feeling when channeled in the right direction. Let your therapist know you want to kill him. Just don't actually kill him...or even smack him around for that matter. Just let him know that he's pissing you off. If he doesn't get the message, get another therapist.

happy(sometimesyoucanbebeautifulwhenyouareangry)shrink

 

Dear Tired,

The right way involves finding a suitable and well run supportive living program that will tend to his needs, provide an ample amount of stimulation and be responsive to you and your family as well. Home visits and frequent contact is also a good idea. So that's the "right way." That doesn't mean you will feel good about the situation. I don't think there is a way to feel great about a tragedy that has robbed you of a loving partner and your children of a father. What you need to remind yourself is that this is not your fault and you still need to make a life for yourself. Do the best you can Tired. It's all anyone can ask of you.

happy(wishIhadahappierresponse)shrink 

 

Dear Happy,

Well, The Earl bought a Lotto ticket for Saturday.  He say it be his LUCKIEST numbers an' we is gonna be rich like The Donald.  He say his old wife Ivana got a bank fulla money an' a Lexus.  An Marla ended up with a Lexus an' The Donald got 2.  So The Earl say, after Saturday, when they draw his numbers, we is gonna become a "two Lexuses family".  I told him, "You dumb shit, 2 Lexuses is Lexi."

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

You have to remember that The Earl doesn't have a way with spelling and grammar like you do. Good luck on the Lotto ticket.

happy(Lottoloser)shrink

 

Date: June 12, 2002   

Hey Happy.

I wrote you a few months ago, more than a few months ago, worried and wondering if I was suffering from arrested development. You offered me some very good advice about seeking help to get more out of life. Finally today I picked up the phone and called the corporate counseling company that is provided free by my corporation. Seems like a no-brainer, that I should have sought help when I started this job, but I've been suffering from chronic depression since I was 10, and the thought of unloading all the awful negative fears and feelings I've built up in the 15+ years since then is very overwhelming. Plus, I've gotten into a pattern of keeping parts of myself secret from everyone around me and never truly sharing the despair I feel at times with anyone for fear of inappropriately leaning on them or possibly losing friends by being such a mess. 

My family is not of the vocal European variety, we barely talk about the weather let alone deeply emotional issues. Being a child that appears happy on the outside has been more important than being honest with my parents about what I've been up to in the past 5+ years, plus I think it would devastate them and they don't need the stress. I have a lot of fears to do with a corporate counseling. There are a lot of things I may tell my counselor that I don't want anyone else to know. I am worried if I feel I cannot trust the confidentiality agreement that I might not divulge a problem I've had for the past 5 or so years and that's substance abuse.

My drug and alcohol use started out moderately, but I now escape my reality in one way or another at least every other day, if not daily. I've realized that I have to stop ignoring the fact that I have a problem with addiction. So it's important for me that I be able to trust my counselor with this information.

Can you please educate me on privacy laws? What kind of privacy agreement can I expect from my counselor What are good questions to ask about confidentiality without seeming overly paranoid? I hope you will permit me to ask you another three questions. First, some background. I think the main reason I finally broke down and contacted corporate counseling was because my life has become unmanageable due to my depression. I am so unmotivated to work that I just sit at my desk all day and sigh rather than do the important work I get paid for. The only thing that motivates me is going out with my friends or getting f*cked up in some way. The guilt and fear that has built up as a result of my slack at work is killing me. In fact, I should be working on a week's worth of work right now (Friday). I believe antidepressants will help alleviate my depression, thereby alleviating my anti-motivation, and help me get back on track at my job and in my life.

Question one is will my doctor hesitate to give me a prescription to antidepressants if I tell him or her about my substance abuse problem?

Question two is what can you tell me about the various antidepressants out there and their side-effects?

Question three is I know the old saying "therapy won't work for you unless you work the program" and I am unsure where to begin with the utterly unmanageable mess my life has become. I really would rather hide from the world and hit the reset button than deal with the mess of problems I feel are pressing down on me.

Do you have any recommendations on where to start? Personally, I think I'd like to do the ink blot test and have my counselor analyze my crazy dreams, but I know that is not the meat of what I need to work on. Any suggestions at all?

If there is any way for you to respond to this e-mail before Tuesday, June 11th (first appointment), I would be really grateful.

Thank you very much for your help. If it weren't for your response to my first question to you, I don't think I would be here, on the brink of getting help.

With affection,

Bleecker

Dear Beecker,

I'm sorry I couldn't get back to you by June 11th but I hope my response will still be helpful to you. First, let me say that I am very pleased you have decided to get help. Your corporate counselors are bound to the same rules of confidentiality that any other mental health professionals are required to follow. All the information you share with your counselor can not be shared with anyone unless you tell them the following:

You are going to kill or harm someone.

You are going to kill or harm yourself.

You are abusing or going to abuse a child.

You give them written permission to share information

In response to your three questions, let me say this. Before you can be treated with any kind of medication for depression, you must stop drinking and using un-prescribed drugs. No responsible psychiatrist is going to prescribe medication while you are abusing drugs or alcohol. You also need to know that while some drugs and alcohol may make you feel better for a brief period of time, it often has the effect of making you even more depressed once it wears off. The first thing you have to do Bleeker is to get off of all drugs and alcohol. This may be difficult but your corporate counselor may be able to give you a referral to an outpatient program. I would urge you to tend to that problem first.

Once you are off of drugs and alcohol, (which will take some time) you can begin to deal with your issues of depression. A combination of psychotherapy and medication might be introduced at that point but that's something down the road and talking about it now would not really be helpful to you. I will be glad to talk to you further about this once you are in "middle" recovery from your substance abuse problem. 

While I am gratified that you have cited my previous letter as a motivation for seeking help at this point, I think that a bigger factor is that depression and substance abuse to relieve depression gets worse and worse over time. Perhaps a year ago you could still keep things together at work and with your friends and family. Now it's not that easy. It's only going to get worse if you don't stop the cycle now Bleeker. Good luck and please keep in touch.

happy(keepingthingstogether)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

Ha....can you believe it, I won us ring side tickets to the Orlando Predators football game next Saturday.  I was fixin' greens an' had the radio on.  They come up with a brain contest.  Since it weren't a spelling contest, I called in.  I was gittin' nervous bout what they might ax me while I were waitin' on the line.  Would you believe it, when the question man came on, he said my category was mixed drinks.  My first answer was Black Russian, then Cuba Libra, then Screw Driver, then Tom Collins and finally Pina Collata.  Bells wrung an' whistles blow.  I won.  I got every one right.  I told The Earl that if I have to call him The Earl, then he hasta call me The Brain.  He acted like he didn't even understand.  He said, "Your name ain't brain, it's Gind."

Gind Rinker

Dear "The Brain",

 

Congratulations on the free tickets. I hope the Predators kick butt. I had no idea that there was football being played during this time of year and I never even heard of the Predators but then I never heard of the Dew Drop Inn or Bithlo until I met you and Edna. Be sure to bring your own case of beer. The beers at the stadium can be mighty expensive and The Earl, might have to dip into Harley's college fund again.

 

happy(sisboombah)shrink

Date: June 9, 2002   

Dear Hap,

Concise letters or even talking concisely doesn't come easy to me. I have a sort of grasshopper mind/brain, I side track before I know it - SO this is my first effort at concise regarding me. I was born into a family where both parent's defied their parents to marry. My father was my beloved soul mate and hero - which blissful happy state lasted for 5 years and then a significant trauma hit the family i.e. me. my brother, my first baby sister and then our new born, my second sister. 

My mother WOULD not and/or COULD not forgive my daddy because as well as thrashing out blindly at any thing or person he blamed her for not being a good mother. After that I regarded myself as DAMNED / in mortal sin and I developed sad little obsessive/compulsive behavior patterns - insomnia set in and then total withdrawal . Then total amnesia . My sister thinks I'm lucky to have no memories till I was 10 but I don't think I am. 

I MUST stop here as I can't type any more and I want to gather what memories I do have of when my father and his family (all was forgiven) recognized my musical talent and daddy (the harpist in the Symphony Orchestra) and my paternal grandmother began pushing me along musically - no worries I was in 7th heaven and plans were being made musically for me . Oh, I was ambitious too and music was everything to me. Then my mother deliberately stopped any lessons and amnesia and sadness set in again . Can't write anymore Hap. Will send next concise letter soon. Was this one concise or not - I really don't know .

Love 

Judy of the DREAMTIME

Dear Judy of the DREAMTIME,

Your letter was concise and even more important understandable. What you didn't make clear though was what specific trauma affected your family. I can only guess that it might have been the premature death of one of your siblings but I'm not sure. In any event, it sounds like you had a very rough childhood that you are only beginning to revisit after years of having lost your memory. It is also striking to me that there are similarities between the conflicts that existed between your parents and the ones that existed between you and your ex-husband. In both cases, children suffered. I don't want to get into fault or blame, but your children may have reacted to conflict between you and your ex-husband in much the same way you and your siblings may have reacted to the conflict between your mother and father. 

In many ways Judy, your life has been a struggle for recognition. In childhood you struggled to get it from your parents. When you grew up you struggled to get it from your husband, your children and friends. On some level, you are now struggling to get it on the Ask Happyshrink web page. I really do see you trying very hard and I really appreciate that you have heard my responses.

This is just a small beginning Judy. Perhaps if you can get more of your childhood memory back and understand how your childhood shaped your adult life, you may be able to also understand how your past has prevented you from being more fulfilled in recent years. This process is best done in face to face psychotherapy. I would strongly suggest you see someone on a regular basis. I will continue to answer your letters and try to give you support and some insight, but that isn't enough of what you need. Get the help you need now Judy so you can enjoy all the laughter that life has to offer.

happy(stillstrugglingtoo)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

I ain't never told you we have started a college fund for Harley.  We had $12.00 in it.  But it were slow going.  So we got to thinkin' that we should get into some kinda business and building owning like "The Donald."  So last week when Dui and cousin Thelma come over all excited bout the Bithlo Tavern a coming up for sale, we just looked at each other, me and The Earl, and says "Lets go for it" at the same time.  They ain't nothing we know more about than the bar business. We all hopped in the truck with Harley and  the dogs and headed to Bithlo. Old man Cletus, who own the bar, just love the boys and agreed to sell the bar to them, no money down.  

But, ya know, there be a lotta crap to owning a bar.  Cletus say we first off gotta get the license transferred into our name. So he helped write the right place in Tallahassee.  When the letter come back, they said we had to send a CASHIERS CHECK FOR $10,000 with a filled out application.  Now, we ain't never been involved with no Mafia or anything, so that don't be a problem, but $10,000.......That be a lotta money, I think. So we called Snake an' the other friends in the trailer park an' asked if they wanted to chip in to be part of the business and land owning.  We enticed 'em by telling them they could get their beer at wholesale.  Including Harley's college fund, we come up with $67.43.  That made us all depressed and the only thing to cure it was a party.  So Harley's college fund is gone an' we all gots headaches this morning.

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

You know that Harley of yours is so smart, I'll bet that by the time she's ready to go to college, she'll be eligible for a scholarship. Too bad about the bar though. Even though Dui, the Earl and you know lots about bars, the three of you might have drank up all the profits. I know that $10,000 is a lot of money but your hero George Dubya's brother has to find some way to earn a living. 

happy(tryingtogetajobwiththeNJSLiquorAuthority)shrink 

 

Date: June 8, 2002   

Dear Happyshrink,

I was wondering if you could give me some advise. I have had a friend for a couple of years from work. She can be really nice and thoughtful but we continually fight just about every day. Seriously, there are very few days that we do not fight. Maybe once a month or two. I can't even begin to tell you the reasons, there are time when I cant help but wonder what is it now. I try as hard as possible to get along and just be friends. I think, others and even she has said that she is very insecure.

She has been through a lot in her life and has had to deal with some very tough situations. For me I am very relaxed and generally don't really show a lot of emotions. I like things to be relaxed. I think that many times she starts fighting with me just to get attention. I don't know exactly what you need to know but basically she is always trying to find ways to make me prove that I am friends with her. I do like her but I cant take much more. She ends up telling me that she can and does hurt herself. Others have called the police because they think she is suicidal.

Previously she said that she wanted to go on a real date with me and I tried to explain that we are only friends and that she wouldn't get the results that she wanted. Now a month later she is saying that she wants to have sex with me. She says that by me saying yes I would be finally doing something for her and proving that we are friends. I think having sex would not be the best idea but I don't know how to tell her.

Any advice would be very helpful. Thanks in advance.

WB

Dear WB,

From the description you gave me of your friend, she sounds like she might suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. People suffering from BPD have a lot of difficulty with relationships, rules and boundaries. They are very insecure and can also be very needy and manipulative. Cutting and other forms of self mutilation are also symptomatic of BPD. On some level, it can be regarded as a cry for help, but all too often it succeeds in driving people away. Very often, the reason for this disorder emerging is due to a traumatic experience in childhood such as rape or molestation.

I don't know your friend's history and my above comments are speculative in nature. I do know this though. You are doing the right thing in not dating her and also doing the right thing in not having sex with her. The best thing you could do for her is urge her to be in treatment if she already isn't. As far as your friendship is concerned, you have to weigh the benefits against the liabilities. Only you can decide if this friendship is really worth it.

People with BPD benefit by having individuals in their lives who are stable and consistent in their behaviors. On the other hand, people with BPD are often very difficult, unpredictable and emotionally draining. On the plus side though, they can be fun, high spirited and intriguing. Good luck with whatever you decide. Please feel free to write me again with a follow-up letter.

happy(alwayslikeitwhensomeonefollowsup)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

I was at the Dew Drop Inn last month, Edna wrote on wall in ladies room "My boyfriend Bubba follows me everywhere..." We went back again last night, went into the bathroom and written just below it was "I do not."

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Aren't they a little too old to be writing on bathroom walls? I can understand Andie or Andy, or even Lulu writing on the walls, but Edna and Bubba are grown-ups. They have 7 kids and you would think......what am I saying? We are talking about Edna and Bubba! Never mind.

happy(beendoingthiswebpagewaytoolong)shrink

 

Date: June 7, 2002   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

My boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Doesn't that also mean you can't get out?

Happy(JeWitchhasanotherexcuseforstayinghomefromwork)shrink

 

Date: June 6, 2002   

Dear HAP,

We are talking about ZYPREXA - it's just that when I read my already sent email and -THANK YOU - your reply that I realized I'd given theimpression due to my awful typing skills that I as well was taking XYPREXA. 

My son lives quite a way from me and after he went to his father's house I had NO control about his treatment at his local Mental Health Centre. I tried to talk to his psychiatrist making the point that since I was his mother she should hear from me and see me. She was very formal/cold towards me and said she was busy . I thought that maybe I should leave it to the cosy team of my softly spoken quite mad husband . MY son's condition was so bad I thought maybe this would be best - but after 5 years of no improvement I went up to check what medication he was on now - his father blithly showed me his day's tablets neatly ready in a champagne glass - and it was 3Lithium,3 SIPTRAMIL or something . Stunned I drove home and rang the Mental Health Centre and spoke to a senior nurse (I think his psychiatrist was in yet another meeting ) - very upset and angry I questioned what was going on . 

In all this time I have never been telephoned by any staff from the Centre . I don't know whether it was as a result of my call, but my former husband smugly told me he was only taking the ZYPREXA now and SEEMED much better . Ah what's the use HAP my husband has money and I don't - he is gentle as far as the world sees him and I'm despairing and emotional . Can't beat the system - My life has been confused traumatized and useless .

Judy of the DREAMTIME .

Dear Judy of the Dreamtime,

It is my understanding that your son is over 18 years of age and as such, Mental Health Clinics are not going to share information even with a parent unless there is written consent on the part of the patient. If the psychiatrist didn't want to share information with you because of that, she should have said so other than just tell you she was too busy. There are rude psychiatrists on both sides of the equator Judy so I am not surprised at your experience. 

If your son was taking Lithium, it is likely that he was thought to be suffering from bipolar disorder which involves mood swings from mania to deep depression. As I mentioned to you in the last letter, Zyprexa is most commonly given to treat schizophrenia but can also be used to treat depression and anxiety in more severe cases. If the Zyprexa is helping him, all well and good. Given the seriousness of his condition, the best you can hope for is that he responds favorably to the medication he is given.

Lastly Judy, your son is a grown man and at this point needs to find his own way. Just as you need to find your own way. As a mother you should certainly be concerned about him and let him know that he has your unconditional love and support. Other than that, you just have to hope for the best. 

happy(hopingforthebestforJudy)shrink

  

Date: June 5, 2002   

Dear Happyshrink,

I am in a bad marriage but I don't want to give up all my money. Any suggestions?

breadwinner

Dear breadwinner,

Give up half your money.

happy(It'sworthitinthelongrun)shrink

 

Date: June 4, 2002   

Happy, 

I think I have been feeling sorry for myself lately, as you know I have been working on fear and anger issues, and recently some strange things have come up. While working in group on the issue of "fear of being alone," I was surprised to find out that my angry alter Jimmy was the one that showed up.  Yes, the group survived his onslaught, but I could not figure out why, on a fear issue, this particular alter would show his face.  It was interesting, and most unexpected.  

In June my group counselor will have a day of Psycho drama, and I have been asked to join in.  However, since Jimmy has blessed my group with his presence, she has requested that Dr. Price be present during this session.  I was very afraid that he would say no, because that would require him showing up outside of our regular setting.  I asked, and he said yes, that was cool, so we'll see.  

This week, I have been very upset off and on, thinking about childhood and now, and a thought has been coming across my mind.  I don't feel like I am any one's favorite. This is a bazaar thought, and to seems quite childish, but it causes great sadness. The last time I can remember feeling like someone really cared for me, above anyone or anything else, was in first grade.  Then I remember at that at that time, I wore glasses and a patch over one eye, I was the smallest kid, and the only one that had brown skin and black hair.  The sadness fills me again because I think the only reason why my teacher made me feel so special was because I was so hideous.  It's like a really ugly dog that you feel sorry for, so you love it because it's so ugly it's cute.

I'm not the favorite in my marriage, I don't compete with a person I compete with a thing, Karate.  This weighs very heavy on me as you know, and I have been thinking more and more about trying life on my own.  Dr. Price has expressed concern about my harming myself if I were to do this, and he is right, I'm not sure I could control certain things.  I do believe that something needs to change, and maybe it's just my thought process, maybe it is all me and I just perceive things totally wrong. I don't know, I know these aren't questions, but I would really like to know what my little New York shrink thinks about all this.

Extreme Methos

Dear Extreme Methos,

It is not surprising to me that "Jimmy" showed up during a time when you were dealing with fear of being alone. Jimmy is in some way your protector. He's the part of you that wards off danger and can fight back. Anytime you might be afraid of something, Jimmy might spring into action. One of the reasons why you need to integrate Jimmy into your whole self and not just get rid of him is that he does balance out the helpless and hopeless Methos. 

Just another thought. Is it possible that your first grade teacher really thought that a dark skinned little girl with glasses might actually be special and not so hideous? I'll bet anything that you were a very cute and bright little first grader and you were special. You still are special! That's what you need to find in yourself. 

Your journey in therapy has been a tough one. I think you are making progress and that's probably another reason for Jimmy to show up. In a way, he's fighting for his existence apart from you. The healthier you get, the more Jimmy becomes part of you and loses his separate identity. I know he will put up a good fight to prevent this but I really do believe you are special enough to beat him Methos. Keep fighting. Not with Karate but with compassion, understanding, love and forgiveness.

happy(stillhereandstillthinksyou'respecial)shrink 
          

 

Dear Happy,

We has had a huge fish kill in the trailer park retention pond.  How it happen is a tale of complex circumstances like dominos.  At the March meetin' of the Circle K  visitor's council, it was decided that we needed some fame.  Iffen we had more fame, we could get more people to move here and we could have more money for improvements.  And then we would all be better off.  So we come up with a sure fire strategy.  We would get the Circle K in the Ginnis Book of Word Records.  But everything we come up with, somebody already did it.  Then we read about this guy in Siberia who ain't got water on his body for a year.  Well, we knowed Sylverster Medog, we calls him Sly, could beat that record, but to be sure, Sly added a second thing to the record attempt.  We called Ginnis and told them that our resident Sly was gonna not wipe his ass for a month. 

Well, 2 weeks ago, at the Bingo game at the wash house, Sly come in a stinkin' to high heaven.  That be all Bubba, The Earl an' Dui could take.  They took him up and throwed him in the retention pond.  Next day the fish started dying.  Today is the worse day o' dead fish stink, Sly didn't git no record for the park and 5 trailers has pulled out. But we got another visitor's council meeting next Monday.  Maybe wekin come up with another idea iffen we put our heads together.

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

I'm sure if the "Ginnis" people showed up at your trailer park, they would find lots of world records. I believe that DUI already holds the world record for being continuously drunk for 15+ years. Bubba certainly holds the record for being in and out of jail. Well, maybe that guy Otis on Andy of Mayberry has been in and out of jail more times but that's just a TV show. Rather than trying to come up with some new world records, you might want to consider a brochure to attract people. I know just the person to design it too.

happy(OhJeWitchy....)shrink

 

Date: June 3, 2002   

Dear HAP 

Forgive the lack of ceremony- we don't stand much on it in OZ (which is just what we call it because we're a lazy mob - 'she'll be right mate 'being our national panacea for all situations .)And it's too bloody long too type . TO CUT TO THE CHASE - what is XYPREXA or something spelt like that - because that's what they're feeding my son and I. His mother wants to know what it is and what it does --* 

JUDY OF THE DREAMTIME

Dear Judy of the Dreamtime,

Zyprexa or it's generic name Olanzapine is a drug most often used to treat psychoses such as schizophrenia, but can also be prescribed for severe cases of depression, anxiety and mood disorders. If you are taking such a drug you should be under the care of a psychiatrist and he or she should make you fully aware of why you are being prescribed this medication, as well as it's side effects. Even in the land of Oz, psychiatrists have rules that they must follow Judy. Make sure you and your son's psychiatrists give you the all information you need.

happy(playingbytherules)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

In an attempt to be more organized and efficient with my time, I have created a work schedule. What do you think?

Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I think if you can manage to do a little bit less head banging, you will have a bit more time.

happy(leavingbeforeIstartbangingmyownhead)shrink

 

Date: June 2, 2002   

Dear Happyshrink,

I am worried about a friend who decided to quit taking her anti depressants cold turkey, and am wondering about serious side effects. She was taking Lithium, Paxil, Atavin, also she's been diagnosed as bipolar, compulsive disorder and manic depressive. Please tell me what would be the possible adverse side effects of stopping these drugs as she has 3 small children and am worried. thanks

KW

Dear KW,

Your friend suffers from some serious disorders and the biggest danger of her going off medication is decompensation. She may begin to show signs of agitation, paranoia and severe mood swings, etc. I would urge you to have her contact her psychiatrist as soon as possible. I can empathize with her wanting to get off meds. They are not fun and perhaps she has some side effects. The thing to do about that is to speak with her psychiatrist and see if they can't either reduce her meds or try  alternative medications without the side effects. 

Please impress upon your friend that's is not only her well being that is at stake but her children's as well. Good luck and let me know what happens.

happy(hopeyouaresuccessful)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

Me bein' a Southern woman, I've learnt a long time ago from Momma, that you better keep a sharp eye on your man.  Well, last night, when The Earl loaded up the truck with beer an' Dui hopped in the passenger side, I said, "Hey, where the hell you goin'."  He said they was goin' to a card game next to the Bithlo Tavern.  When I didn't see his sorry ass by 11, I decided it might by smart to check on him.  All the way over, I was a talkin' to myself, how I was gonna smack him up side the head iffen I see 1 woman within 50 feet of him.  So I parked Momma's car a few hunderd feet down from where I seen his truck an' snuck up to the window.  

Sure nuff, Snake, Edna's Ezra, Bubba, Dui an' The Earl was all playin' poker an' no women anywheres.  Then The Earl gits up an' says he be goin' out ta the truck ta git another 12 pack.  I high tail it outta there an' git home.  When the Earl git home,  he woke me up a carrying on bout how him an' the boys saw Sasquatch at midnight, an' they was gonna go back an' hunt it tomorrow night.

Now I knowed I was the only one outside at midnight.  I'm so pissed at him thinkin' I look like a Sasquatch, but I don't dare lop him upside the head an' admit I was spyin' on him. What do you think I should do?  I'm frustrated an' pissed

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

My advice to you is to cut your toe nails, tweeze your eyebrows and shave your legs and armpits. 

happy(stayingindoorsatinight)shrink

Date: June 1, 2002   

Dear Happyshrink,

There seems to be quite a bit of contradictory evidence on aspartame. Do you know of any clinical evidence that shows that Aspartame can cause or heighten depression and or anxiety?

Thanks

GR

Dear GR,

To my knowledge all claims of heightened depression and anxiety as a result of the consumption of Aspartame are anecdotal. I do not know of any reputable scientific studies in this area, however there certainly could be. Even without significant clinical evidence though, there are always a small amount of people who can have reactions to food additives and other nutritive substances that will not effect the overwhelming majority of people. If you suspect someone to be having an adverse reaction to Aspartame or anything else for that matter, that person should stop using it and see if there is a return to "normal" functioning. 

Anxiety and depression are mental disorders that affect tens of millions of people in the United States alone. The desire to find a simple cause, a simple solution or a solution that does not involve psycho-active drugs is very common. Someone who is clinically depressed should seek professional help. A good clinician can help find the correct cause and the best solution.

happy(alwayslookingforthebestsolution)shrink

 

Dear Edna,

You are the only one I know that would accidentally go into a men's room and be convinced that it's lesbians that are watching you pull up your panties. JeWitch is the only woman I know that will actually go into a men's room on purpose, pee in the urinal and then accuse the guys who are watching in horror that they are gay. That's why both of you are my heros!

happy(stayingoutofallrestroomsforthetimebeing)shrink