Postings from April 16-30, 2002

 

Date: April 30, 2002 

Good Morning Happyshrink,

I have been on Paxil for a little over a year and a half. I was on 20mg for the first 8 months. I was on 10mg for remaining period of time. I have now been off of Paxil for 5 days. During that five days, I have encountered the following withdrawal symptoms: minor nausea, vertigo, heightened senses, & irritability. I know that the half-life on Paxil is short, and therefore, the drug is completely out of the system in a short period of time. I also know that while taking Paxil, the brain decreases the amount of Serotonin receptors that it has. So, when I stopped taking Paxil, my brain started to reuptake more Serotonin and it had less receptors. This is apparently what is causing my withdrawal symptoms. My question is about the period of time that I will be experiencing these symptoms. How long will they last? Thank you so much for your time.

AR

Dear AR,

While the Paxil may be out of your system, withdrawal symptoms can continue for a while. There is no exact amount of time that these symptoms should remain however, I would be surprised if they continue for more than three or four weeks. What is most important now is that you report all symptoms to your psychiatrist. Your psychiatrist will be able to determine if they are withdrawal symptoms or something else. Good luck AR and please let me know how things go while you are off of medication.

happy(itsgoodtobeoff)shrink

 

It is not a very long story as to how I came to hear about you, your friends and your web page.  In fact, by the time I finish telling you this story, you will know the answer.

My name is Tom and I am a traveling salesman.  Yesterday I was making my way through the "No Name Trailer Park." I knocked on the door of a trailer parked in Lot # 1. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He's wearing a pink tutu, and has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other.

Happyshrink, I gotta tell you, in all my years of knocking on doors, this one sort of freaked me out so I just regained my composure and said "Excuse me son, are your parents home?"

The kid took a big puff on the cigar and said, "What the f**k do you think?"

To quote your friend JeWitch, "nuff said."

Tom

Dear Tom,

That would be Andie. You are lucky that he was the only one home. At least you escaped with your wallet and your pants.

happy(makinganotherescapetoday)shrink 

 

Date: April 29, 2002 

Dear Happyshrink,

My daughter, recently turned 19, is now in her third week at the psychiatric hospital. My wife and I received a call at about 3 am from the police who had taken her to the emergency room. She had apparently cut one of her wrists and when we went there to see her, the psychiatrist told us that she had been given an injection to help her with her psychotic break, as he called it.

I have several problems right now. The first is that we are only allowed to see my daughter on a very limited basis. She has been under a suicide watch in the locked ward of the psychiatric hospital. Every time we see her, she begs us to take her home and tells us about things the staff is doing to her. Terrible things. I know that this is not true and that she must be very sick. I also realize that right now she needs to be in this facility in order to get the proper care. What I don't understand are why we receive daily calls from the doctor informing us of how well she is doing, and yet when we arrive we are sent away because she has had to be tied down and given medication because of a violent outburst or she is so completely withdrawn and despondent that she simply lays on the couch in the visiting area and will not respond to any sort of conversation or holding at all. What gives here?

The second problem that I have is that we have tried, in vain, to make several appointments to see the staff social worker who is supposed to be managing her case. This woman is either too busy or reports that there is nothing to report. My wife and I both feel very strongly about wanting to be involved in our daughter's care. We are quite alarmed that she has been diagnosed with sudden onset schizophrenia and this means that her whole life may change and we may have to also make some drastic changes in our own plans for our lives. Is there some way to force a meeting with the social worker, ourselves and the psychiatrist so we can clearly get answers about how to help our daughter?

My last problem, but maybe the most important one, is that I feel somehow responsible for her becoming ill. I have done research on the internet about schizophrenia and the more I read, the worse I feel. I think that both my wife and I have become more tense and are quicker to anger at things that previously would never have upset us. My wife has said, "Maybe they just want our money." I don't know what to believe. I don't know what to do to help us so that we can help her. It is one of the questions that we were going to ask the social worker. Maybe you can help us. I feel very sad for my daughter. She graduated early from high school with a perfect 4.0 GPA. She had very high SAT and ACT scores and was accepted into a very challenging pre-medical program at the university. She was also doing so well that she was allowed to advance and was only a year and a half away from applying to medical school herself. The irony in all of this is that she wanted to become a doctor because she thought she could make a difference to people.

If you can give me some advice about how to work with the system I would be very grateful. I need to stand up for my daughter without making enemies because I have a feeling that this is going to be a long-term problem. Thank you.

Sad Dad

Dear Sad Dad,

This is a very difficult time for you, your daughter and your whole family. While your daughter may be getting good care at the hospital she is staying in, you have the right to know the details of her condition as well as the treatment she is getting. You also have the right to bring in your own psychiatrist to evaluate her, review her treatment plan and assess the care she is receiving. Under the circumstances you have described, I would strongly consider those options.

I would also urge you to get in touch with your local chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). To access their web page and find the local chapter in your area, click here. This is a consumer and family based organization that can give you a wealth of information about your daughter's condition, her rights as a patient and your rights as her parent. They may also be able to refer you to doctors, lawyers, support groups and other services that you may need. You have a right to get answers Sad Dad and the hospital is being negligent if they are not providing them for you.

Lastly Sad Dad, As much as your daughter needs help, so do you and your wife. Get involved in a support group and work through your own feelings of guilt, anger and frustration. They may all be a part of your lives over the next several months or longer. Deal with them in a constructive way and one that helps your daughter. Good luck and please write me again.

happy(everyoneneedssupporthere)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

As you well know, Jewitch tolerates animals so she thought she might apply at a grooming place to wash dogs. The owner was so happy to hire her, she put her right to work. Her first bath was a Cheewowa....chiwa.....little Mexican dog. When she put him in the tub, he turned around and bit her. Mexican dogs'll do that. She said, "You little son of a bitch" and "I'd like to a drown him." When she come over just before lunch, I told her not to worry cuzzin' I heard that Universal was a hirein' in their animals park.

Well, she run over an' applied an' they said they needed somebody in the cleaning detail. She told 'em that she weren't washin' no bitin' animals. They told her it wasn't washin' animals just cleanin' up. They give her a big bag an' sent her over to the Elephant's yard. She asked 'em what the bag was for an' they said Suzy would show her.

Gind Rinker

Jewitch quit before 3 in the afternoon but Eternal Springs is Hope and she has an interview tomorrow at the Golden Cross Funeral Home and Mortuary.

Dear Gind,

It's too bad that JeWitch isn't willing work with the Elephants. I don't know another human being alive that can catch crap better than her.

happy(goingtocatchcrapifIdon'tgetoutofhere)shrink

 

Date: April 28, 2002 

Dear Happyshrink,

How can I get my children to understand the importance of good eating habits?  They seem to only want to eat garbage food and turn their noses up at anything that remotely resembles a vegetable.  Help!

At Wits End

Dear At Wits End,

You didn't tell me how old your kids are, but if they are between the ages of 0 and 100, then they are normal.  Eating well is not something that kids normally want to do.  Sometimes they have things that they enjoy eating that are good foods.  Most of the time they want to eat unhealthy foods that are high in sugar, fat, and carbohydrates.  The best thing that you can do for your children is to provide them with healthy, balanced meals and things to snack on, like small carrot sticks or different types of fruit.  There is even yogurt that comes in different forms that is nutritious and "fun."  

The other important thing that you can do for them is to set a good example for them.  If you sit down to a dinner that is well-balanced and tasty, they will learn from your example that good food doesn't just come in a bag or a box.  

Lastly, At Wits End, involve your children in the process of shopping for food, reading labels, and cooking.  If they are aware of just how much fat they consume or that certain things are more healthy than others in the grocery store and have a chance to prepare a nutritious meal, they will start to become aware that they have the power to choose the things that they eat and while that might not always be the most healthy food, the lesson will not be forgotten and you might be surprised by the choices that they do eventually make.  Good luck.

happy(passthecarrot...cake...er...salad)shrink

 

Since Edna is still recovering from her "levitatin" I thought I would share with you all the things that you could learn in a lifetime:

Life's Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".

Age 6

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.

Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.

Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.

Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.

Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.

Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.

Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.

Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.

Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.

Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.

Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.

Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.

Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.

Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.

Age 55

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.

Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.

Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.

Age 75

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Age 92

Don't we all? 

 

Date: April 27, 2002 

Dear Happy

I love laughing, basically I was born to be a happy soul I worked on radio here in Oz and it served me well. I'm never lost for a word (or two ) but I don't let people too close and jokers are good at this. I'm working out ways to deal with my mad Brazilian - and one of them I've found is to always seem happy - this throws him - and he usually goes on a bender and instead of being cunning, goodfella Brazilian , he starts being two, at least , people - sometimes he (at the full moon ) stands outside and orders himself out of the house. There's more even. He's never lonely at these times - he has a very falsetto female Bernardo he talks to. O.K. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. What am I camouflaging - I don't know . I just know that Judy inside is not grown up and everyone knows that children need protection. This world is too cool for me. I think animals can be trusted - but humans? UH UH. I cried here down under when I saw that plane destroy so much. This is good for me to go on line to you guys . Hey Happy, maybe I should look into trailer living ? 

Love,

Judy in low spirits . 

Maybe I should just get drunk? What would JeWitch recommend ?

Dear Judy in low spirits,

JeWitch would probably have a solution to your problems that involve the use of alcohol, but more likely than drinking it, I think JeWitch would recommend you pour it over your Brazilian neighbor and light a match. Of course JeWitch is a professional at these kinds of activities and I would not recommend that you or any of the readers of "ask happyshrink" try these activities at home. 

Seriously though, it sounds like you are way too involved with your neighbor's pathology. It seems to me that you have to ignore him more and think about him even less. There must be more interesting things to focus on in the land of Oz. While there are people who may betray your trust and all of us must protect ourselves from people who would use and deceive us, the consequence of shutting the door on everyone is to be very lonely and isolated. I can understand how you might enjoy the Internet as there is some safety being both anonymous as well as detached from people you communicate with. On the other hand, unless you risk here, Internet communication will become old and tired. 

So what have I learned about you today Judy? I have learned that you like animals (me too). You feel like a child inside (something that most adults feel) who is vulnerable and needs protection. While you enjoy smiling and laughing, you also cry in the face of injustice and inhumanity (Nothing strange about that). As topsy-turvy a world we live in (especially that you and I are literally living upside down from one another), we must find joy in it Judy. Life really isn't worth living without it and I know that if you look hard enough (maybe at a few cute marsupials) you will be able to find it.

happy(mysignificantotherwantstopurchaseasugarglider)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

You know'd I never showed you my weddin pictures and now I can tell you why. We didn't hire a professional picture taker like JeWitch did in two of her three weddins. Instead, we asked DUI to buy one of them desposable camera's that you buy in Wal-Mart. Well, you know we really shoulda asked Snake or even Bubba to take the pictures because DUI got real wasted before me and the Earl even walked down the aisle. So there aint any pictures of me and the Earl that aint blurry and crooked, but lucky for us, DUI did manage one real nice picture of Edna levitatin. 

Now I never done heard of this levitatin stuff but they tell me that this real religious fella in India who wears a white dress and is called the Mama-he-she can do it. To be honest, I had about 2 quarts of gin at the time and was too wasted myself to remember Edna floating on air during the reception but pictures don't lie. Who woulda thunk that a tramp like Edna would have the same powers of the Mama-he-she? Go figure.

Don't all the folks at the Circle K look just terrific in their Sunday best?

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

After knowing Edna for about 5 years now, she has never ceased to amaze me. You never cease to amaze me either. I really need to meditate right now but I forgot my mantra.

happy(timetofloataway)shrink

 

Date: April 26, 2002 

Dear Happyshrink,

I am 39 and married 22 years, my husband is 49. My single, never married, raised myself and siblings aunt lives with my family. She is all alone and iscreating problems. She will not get out and meet people or go to a class or anything. At night she is up EVERY NIGHT . Her room is downstairs, it is large and nice and she stays out in the kitchen all night. She never goes away. My husband and I are having major problems and not having any privacy does not help at all. When we moved she sold her old home in the now bad part of town where she lived barricaded in, closed up dirty environment, and put the money from her house as down payment on the home we all share. That is were our problem comes in because we really can not ask her to move until we can give her her money back. Her sister has a country home no one lives in where she could go stay once in a while but she only goes away for the week-end every 2-3 months. She thinks I am being rude or not serious or something. I have told her that our counselor had said that she needs to get out, go to bed early once in a while to no avail. Is she trying to make us kick her out? Help I am so desperate for advice! I actually have had dreams about choking her! My sanity and marriage are on the line. I would appreciate any help you could give.

HP

Dear HP,

This is a very difficult situation that is compounded by the fact that your aunt in effect is a co-owner of your house. Your aunt may benefit by getting out of the house more and getting to bed earlier but frankly, she has the right to live her life the way she wants, just as you and your husband do. The real answer finding separate living situations for the both of you. 

I don't know what your financial situation is, but if there is a way to borrow money from someone else and pay your aunt back, I would try to do that. The only other option would be to find another living situation yourself and sell your home. Whatever you decide, I would try to act as quickly as possible. Its sounds to me like this is a potentially volatile situation that can get worse and do further damage to your family as well as your aunt. Whatever the problems are between you and your husband also need to be worked on without this "distraction." Good luck and let me know what you decide to do.

happy(friendmaycomeandgobutfamilyisunfortunatelyforever)shrink

 

In response to Judy in Distress:

Dear Happyshrink,

It's been demonstrated empirically that laughter lowers levels of stress hormones, such as cortisol. So humor doesn't just mask pain, it actually helps us repair the damage pain causes. Just a thought for my fellow Judy from Oz.

Sincerely,

Judiblueye

Dear Judiblueye,

As always, thanks for your input.

happy(whenhecanlowerhisoutput)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

Well JeWitch Dumped another boyfriend and got barred from another store all in the same stroke.  I kinda thought this new boyfriend wouldn't last, but hope sprung eternal.  His name were Rupert and he was from England.  I figured when I introduced them he might help JeWitch quit smokin' and swearin', him bein' a non-smokin', non-drinkin, non-swearin'  kinda fella.   Though I knew he would be swimming up stream.  Well, him and JeWitch went to the computer store for a new battery for his Palm.  (Maybe he got a mechanical hand, I dunno.)  Anyhow, he thunk she quit smokin, but course she was cheatin'.  She told Rupert she forgot her Visa and had to go back to her VW bus.  But she didn't.  She just snuck out the door an' lit up.  She only took a few puffs an' broke off the lit part. She put the butt in her pocket an' went back in.

Then the sales fella said, "Maam, you are on fire".  Well you guessed it, she didn't pinch off all o' the lit part and it caught her on fire.  Rupert said, "You been smokin'".  JeWitch said, " You God damn effen son-of-a-bitch."  It's your fault, you Bastard".  She tore off her shirt and threw it in the air.  It landed in a bin of boxes and another fire started.  Everybody was kinda looking because JeWitch don't like wearing a bra since about 1970.  Four security guards come running.  Two with extinguishers and two to haul JeWitch's ass outta there.  They told her, "Don't come back." This time I don't really think it was all her fault.

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

I say, Why can't these damn cigarette manufacturers make a ciggie that will go out when you pinch it? It's their fault. Maybe JeWitch can start yet another lawsuit. It must have been fun thought watching the security guards try and throw JeWitch out of the store. I wonder which body parts they were forced to grab a hold of.

happy(tryingtograbaholdofmysanity)shrink

Date: April 25, 2002 

Dear Happy 

This is Judy from Oz again - (I'm a novice at this computer business, so I hope what I send reaches you - Oh what the hell - so what if my little bytes just float around the cosmos along with the odd socks ). What I want to say is humour is a two-edged sword . I think I use my sense of humour as a camouflage for my pain , even though I find so many things funny. Is this a dilemma I can find an answer to? 

On the lighter side my daughter sent me a "fake" 404 as I was getting paranoid re certain internet stuff - she sent " Mum, please try the following - click on the Refresh button & begin drinking heavily. After enough shots SOMETHING will appear."

Judy in Distress

Dear Judy in Distress,

Rather than think of humor (that's the USA spelling) as a camouflage for your pain, why not think of it as a treatment just like medication, psychotherapy and rehab. Like those other treatments, it doesn't necessarily cure you of feeling pain, but it does serve as a means of lessening it as well as coping with it. There's no double edged sword as far as I'm concerned. Humor can help you deal with life more effectively as well as put things in proper prospective. It's been all good for me.

Sometime we mistake humor for  cynicism. Cynicism can have humorous aspects and some cynics can be very funny. Unfortunately, most cynics are not laughing. It sounds to me like you are laughing Judy. That doesn't mean you don't have pain and that your life is not distressful as you describe yourself. If you want to write me a serious letter about what is distressing you, I will try and be helpful. While your Brazilian neighbor might be one of those causes of distress, I would think that he is more of the symptom and not the problem.

So what really ails you Judy in Distress? That's what seems to be camouflaged. Your humor is just fine.

happy(rakingawaysomeofthosepaintedonleaves)shrink

 

 

 

Date: April 24, 2002 

Hi Happyshrink, 

I'm hoping you can help me.  My doctor and I agreed that I don't need Ritalin and am going off of it cold turkey tomorrow.  Doctor checked with one of his colleagues and said it's not dangerous if you go cold turkey.

What I'm looking for is a message board where I can communicate with others experiencing the same thing as I'm going to need all the support I can get.  I understand withdrawal consists of extreme emotional depression and exhaustion.  If this site isn't able to help me, do you have any suggestions as to how I can find a website dealing with Ritalin/amphetamine withdrawal.

I would appreciate your advice very much.

MJ

Dear MJ,

While going off of Ritalin may not have physical dangers, you are right in acknowledging that there are emotional and cognitive changes that can cause problems and impair one's functioning. As there are a number of reasons why you might be on Ritalin, I can't refer you to a support group or bulletin board unless you let me know what your diagnosis is. Just as important as getting support from others in your situation, is staying in close contact with your doctor and describing any physical and/or emotional changes that you are having while going off of your medication.

I very much support individuals trying to get off medication and trying to function without it. But if you find that the symptoms that originally caused you to take the medication return, don't be adverse to going back on it. Good luck and if you let me know your diagnosis, I will try and look into a support group.

happy(everyoneneedssupport)shrink

 

Dear JeWitch,

It would haunt me to think that you would be suffering so much JeWitch so I guess I will hold on to my money....so what will you pay me for advertising your web site? I prefer cash but I will take a check if I have to.

happy(notgettingsofteitherandIdon'tneedViagra)shrink

 

Date: April 23, 2002 

Dear Happyshrink,

I was driving home from church when I saw a sign on another local church that read, "We are too Blessed to be Depressed!" I found this rather upsetting...does this mean I was standing behind the door when God passed out the blessings? Or does it mean that because I am depressed, I must be an ungrateful spoiled brat for not being aware of the blessings I've been given? Where is God when bad things happen to good people? I can go to church every day and still feel like I am struggling with more than my share of problems. Nothing seems to help, some problems seem to have no solution. Others seem to require monumental amounts of energy to resolve...way more than I can seem to summon. Arrgh! I think I'll go take a nap.

Sincerely,

Judiblueye(swideshut)

Dear Judiblueye,

I figured it would be you that would get me in trouble with my Rabbi, but here goes: While faith and religion are powerful treatments for many things that ail you, they are not necessarily the "cure" for everything and for everyone. Individuals of faith who are suffering from clinical depression may look to God for strength, guidance and nurturing. They may find comfort and relief from some of their burdens but they are still clinically depressed and their problems still exist. While I am sure the sign on that local church has the best of intensions, I can see why it can be upsetting to you and others who are struggling with so many problems that just can't be solved by faith alone. 

You weren't standing behind the door when God gave out blessings Judi. You have been blessed with two daughters (they are blessings most of the time), an intelligent mind and a good sense of humor among other things. You also have problems and burdens. You are also working hard to solve your problems, look at your failings and become a better person. So where is God when bad things happen to good people? That all depends on what you expect from him. 

happy(expectsalotfromJudiblueye)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

Here is some JeWisdom of a different sort.  I learned these lessons spending the weekend at Edna's place.

RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD

1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.

2. Never park downhill from the tree you are cutting down.

3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack.

4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I have a bit of "Happywisdom" after looking at the picture above:

Sticking a piece of wood between your legs is never a substitute for the real thing.

happy(therealthing)shrink

 

Date: April 22, 2002 

Dear Happy,

Hi. My name is Karen and I have a problem. For years, my older sister, who is 5 years older than me, has told me that I had a twin that was dead at birth. When I was very young, she began to tell me this and said that I must never tell mom or dad that I knew because they would become very upset and cry. For a long time I did not say anything. But she has continued to torment me with this information. I am a senior in college now and last week I finally had enough. You have no idea of what this has been like. She wouldn't say anything for a long time, and then when I was really happy about something, she would say "too bad Suzie (that was who she said my twin was named) isn't here to share the moment" and it just would ruin things for me. She didn't do it as much when I got older because I think she knew that my patience was growing thin.

She pulled the stunt again last week because we were talking about my graduation, which is a very big deal to me. I waited until my mom and dad and uncles and aunts were all in the room and then asked my mother, because I thought that embarrassing my sister in public about this lie would be the only way to shut her up. Turns out that I did have a twin, named Suzanne, who was stillborn. My parents didn't tell me because they didn't want me to feel that I should have been the one who died, the guilty one, etc. They did not know that my evil sister told me.

I hate my sister, I hate my mother, I hate my father, and I hate everyone. With less than 3 months to go until graduation I have dropped out of school and am currently living in a combination of a friends garage and the Y. How could people do such a horrible thing? I have not spoken to anyone since then. Sure, they call, but I refuse to speak to them. My mother has left messages that she is "worried" about me. The only word that comes to mind when I think about her now is not a very nice one so I won't write it here. I have burned every picture that was taken of me growing up. I have burned every letter that was sent to me at camp.

Now what do I do.

Dear Karen,

What your sister did to you all those years was very cruel and thoughtless. Your parents didn't help things by not telling you about your stillborn twin. But what you are doing now is hurting yourself to get back at your family. You have every right to feel angry and even betrayed, but your response to these feelings should not be to self-destruct. I'm sure your parents do love you and even if their judgment of not telling you about your stillborn twin was poor, I don't think their motives were evil and hurtful. You sister's motives are another story. I'm sure like all older siblings, she felt threatened by having a younger sister who got a lot of attention. Her way of dealing with it was to be cruel and sadistic even as the two of you grew up and became young women. In some ways, your sister is to be pitied and not disdained.

I would urge you see a therapist Karen and work out your feelings in a way that helps you to resolve the issues of your having had a stillborn twin sister and also heal from this very traumatic experience. Family therapy would not be a bad idea either when you are ready for it but I would start with individual therapy. Hopefully, you can get back in school and finish up your course work. Try to make an appointment to speak with a school counselor to explain what is going on. Most likely you will be able to take a leave of absence without being penalized. College advisors and instructors are usually very sympathetic to personal crises and there is a good chance you can make up your classes when you are ready to return to school. 

Lastly Karen, if there is some message to be learned from the fact that you had a stillborn sibling, it is that you lived and you must continue to live. Your life has more meaning that you think. Make it a good life. Please feel free to write again.

happy(tryingtomakeitagoodlife)shrink 

 

Dear Happy,

Here I give birth and nobody give me flowers.  When I had my tonsils out as a kid, I didn't get nothing either.  I had a headache and a backache at the same time and when I told Jewitch about it she said,  "And you got a pimple on the end of your nose too."

Now what happen that got me so riled was that last weekend, the boys went to the Lanes and Liquor Bowling Alley with their pay checks and played 2 or 3 games.  I don't wonder that they don't know for sure, can't none of 'em keep score or count worth a shit when they is shit faced.  So the tale goes, The Earl was well snookered and' accidently picked up scrawny Dui's ball.  So he lets her fly down the lane and his thumb wouldn't come out the ball hole until it broke, he says.  So the boys brung him home and all Saturday he got visitors.  Snake brung the beer and Dui brung cheese balls an' pepperoni.  Rev Al brung ice cream.  And here I be, washing the dishes while they all headed out to the new place on the Trail, Hogs an' Heffers. 

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

I can certainly understand why you feel neglected. But there is a silver lining to this story. WindnWillows has offered to squeeze that pimple that's on the tip of your nose. She might even do a load of laundry while she's there. And you thought nobody cared!

happy(stillcares)shrink

 

Date: April 21, 2002 

Dear Happyshrink,

I hope that you can help me with a problem that I am having. It's almost more of an etiquette problem, but after reading some of the other letters you receive I felt like it would be ok to ask my question. You see, I have been dating a man now for 6 years. He has been divorced for 8 years after a 2 year marriage and I have never been married. I will be 35 this August and not to sound canned, but my biological clock is beginning to start winding down. I want to be married and have children. He also wants to be married and have children. I have a very nice career as a legal secretary and my intended is a trial attorney. He is very kind, warm, caring and we have had a very good relationship. He has even mentioned marriage and we have talked in flowery language about the wedding, who we would invite, where it would be, etc. but have never actually gotten down to the business of becoming engaged.

My question is - in this day and age is it proper for the woman to ask the man or do I need to sit on my hands and wait for him to ask me? Sometimes I feel that it is almost a given that we will be married and then at other times I am not sure what is holding this man back. I have also toyed with the idea of talking with him about having children, but, as we are both in the legal profession, we both know that children and no marriage can create problems sometimes. Please let me know what you think.

Not Holding My Breath

Dear Not Holding My Breath,

You have invested a lot of time in this relationship and it sounds like a good one. Like all relationships, it can't remain in limbo and be expected to continue forever. I think you need to sit down with this man and honestly discuss your future together. Six years is enough time to decide whether or not you want to spend your lives together. If you decide that this is what you both want, then there needs to be a timeframe. It can't just be "someday." If there are unresolved issues in your relationship, there needs to be a timeframe to either resolve those issues so you can move forward, or decide to split up and move on with your lives.

I certainly hope that things go the way you want them to, Not Holding My Breath, but if they don't, it's better to know now than keep waiting. Please let me know what happens.

happy(movingforwardtoo)shrink

 

 

Dear JeWitch,

At least they sell matzo in Orlando. I do have a problem buying a box at the local "Piggly Wiggly" even if the local priest does bless it. 

happy(eatingbreadagain)shrink

 

Date: April 20, 2002 

Dear Happyshrink,

I came across your web site whilst trying not to export my mad Brazilian neighbour. Wish they'd stopped at exporting coffee. Still this is Australia and we're still an optimistic mob. You are one happy shrink - how come?

Even Jung lost his sense of humour etc; - I believe you're for real and the sense of this sincerity alone must help. Not to mention your wicked and subtle humour - I was laughing so much -and I'd not laughed much for some months. It cheers my cat up no end and having an introspective cat around wasn't helping. Could you reply across the waters? 

JUDY IN DISTRESS.

Dear JUDY IN DISTRESS,

I am happy to reply to everyone as long as their question and my reply can be posted on this web site. Since I can only spend a small amount of time each day on this web page, (I do have a full time job and a family) I am unable to reply to private letters. I would be happy to give you some feedback about why you feel distressed and how you might get the help you need to laugh more. As far as me being happy, my formula is simple:

1- Be kind to yourself

2- Be kind to others

3- Count your blessings

4- Laugh at your inadequacies

5- Delude yourself into believing that wealth is over-rated.

If Carl Jung followed that philosophy instead of fighting with Freud and Adler about his theories, he would have remained happy. I don't believe there is anything in our collective unconscious that forces us to be miserable. (Well, that may not be true in my father's case). I look forward to your writing me again Judy in Distress. I particularly like the way you guys down under spell things differently than we do. 

happy(loveshumournomatterwhichwayitisspelt)shrink

 

 

Date: April 19, 2002 

Hello Happyshrink,

I met a wonderful man last July. We have fallen madly in love and planned on spending the rest of our lives together. All of a sudden he decides to take his ex wife back because she dropped hints that she would like to come back home. Two years ago she told him she hadn't loved him for four years, and she was having an affair with a much older man on line. She moved out  leaving him with the kids. He tells me he loves me more than anything in the world but he has "a love" for her.....he said he can't  explain what is going on in his mind. 

I can't stop crying, I love this man so much and up until a week ago we were the happiest couple alive.....I know he is making the biggest mistake of his life. I  talk to him  but he says he has  to do this. I feel like a fighter in a ring  alone, hitting the air.....our future was to grow old together and be happy.....please give me your advice as to why he has changed. This woman also told his mother he loved him like a brother.....he also caught her writing a letter to the man on line telling him she wants him, she needs him and she loves him.....it's so hard to think someone loves you but chooses to live with someone that deceived him. He fell in love with me because I had a great sense of humor.....I don't laugh anymore.

Sincerely,
rr

Dear rr,

There is nothing you can do at this point that will change his mind. He has made his decision and no matter how foolish that decision may be, it is his decision and it needs to be respected.  What you need to do now is take care of your own needs and not his. I realize that the loss of someone you have fallen in love with is very painful and hard to get over. Time does eventually heal these wounds and you need to give yourself the time to heal. You also need to move away from this relationship and prepare yourself to meet other people. This is probably not a good time to start dating again, but it is a good time to go out with friends, pursue interests and learn how to smile and laugh again.

There is life after a lost love rr. A sense of humor is a terrible thing to waste. Don't let is slip away from you. Sometimes that can be all we have left to give. Please continue to write me if it will be helpful.

happy(whenyouthinkaboutithumorisanawfullottogive)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

I thought things were bad enough with JeWitch not being able to find, well, and then hang on to, a job and all. But let me tell you that, brother, you ain't seen NOTHING yet! Our lovable JeWitch has now been banned from the local Wal-Mart. It seems like that would just about be an impossibility, doesn't it? Well, not for JeWitch. And yes, once again, I had to haul down to the jail in Gilbert's Gremlin and post bail for her. Seems I'm the only person she knows with more than $10 who's willing to make a loan. Not that her deadbeat friend Edna hasn't got it. But she won't turn loose of any of it because she says she's got to buy beer. Gind, too. She's just as bad. JeWitch had to call her on her neighbor's phone because hers got cut off again. I wouldn't want to be the one to try to keep her name in my personal phone book!

So, anyway, I got to the jail and posted the bail for JeWitch and then went to get her. I had to hurry, too, on account of Gilbert's Gremlin doesn't start in the heat too well after the first time or two and I didn't want to have to push my car away from the jail. What would decent people think? I got JeWitch and asked what happened. Here's the story as she told it to me:

She was in the outdoor department at Wal-Mart and was going to buy her grandson, um, I mean, nephew, a fishing reel for his birthday. She saw what looked great for kids, too, but said she wasn't quite sure about the difference between them. Anyway, she picked out one but was still a little confused so she went over to the counter to ask for help. She said "Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could tell me anything about this rod and reel." The guy behind the counter was wearing sun glasses, which JeWitch said was a little odd, but hey, this is Wal-Mart. Anything goes. So the guy says, "I'm blind, but if you drop the rod and reel onto the counter, I can tell you exactly what you've got and whether it's any good or not." JeWitch made a really funny face, which she said was fun because the guy couldn't see her and just kept smiling. So she drops the reel onto the the counter. The guy says," That's a Zebco 550 with an aluminum frame and 10 lb test line. It's the top of the line reel with automatic feed and non-slip grip handles as well as a free-flow feeder that keeps the line taught an untangled at all times. With the rest of the kit, it should be just what you're looking for. And you're in luck because they're on sale for $20 this week!" JeWitch was stunned and thought - how did this guy get ALL THAT from just hearing the thing drop? Whoa. So she said she would take it and reached into her purse to get the money. In rummaging around in the gunny sack (that's what I call her purse) for her cash, she accidentally knocked her wallet onto the floor. When she went to pick it up, she let out a really loud fart! She told me she was so embarrassed and knew that the guy must have heard it! But fortunately, he was BLIND and so she thought that everything would be fine. He really wouldn't know who did it. He finished punching up the numbers on the register and said "That'll be $35.40." JeWitch said," I thought that you just told me that it was on sale for $20? What kind of crap are you trying to pull? You're overcharging me." He stopped a second and then said "It's $20 for the fishing reel, $11 for the duck call and $4.40 for the catfish bait." JeWitch was over the counter and on him in about 2 seconds. And really there isn't a need to explain the rest. I'm sure you get it.

So what can you do for her? Whatever it is, can you remind her that she still owes me the $10 fee from the last bail, plus now this one? I can't keep this up forever, you know.

Sincerely,

Mildred Thigpen

Dear Mildred,

Your neighbor JeWitch really doesn't appreciate you as much as she should. You are always there for her, especially when she has a hot gossip type of story. All I can say is that being JeWitch's next door neighbor isn't easy, but that comes with the territory. I better keep this note short because I know you need to get moving on fixing Gilbert his favorite dinner, sardine noodle casserole. Just suggest to JeWitch that she should order the Wal-Mart chilidog from the snack bar when she's ready to leave the store and not before she begins shopping.

happy(quackquackquack)shrink

 

Date: April 18, 2002 

Dear Happy,

I'm doing good now, but have a question about depression. Should someone who is depressed see a therapist or a psychiatrist first?

BeeBalm

Dear BeeBalm,

Who you might go to if you are depressed would depend on the severity and circumstances around your depression. If your depression is based on a life situation such as the break up of a marriage or close relationship, or problems related to your job or career, a therapist might be a good choice. A good therapist can also assess if you need to see a psychiatrist and make a referral for you. 

If your depression does not have an apparent reason and it is significantly impairing your ability to function, it might a good idea to see a psychiatrist first. Here again, the psychiatrist can assess if you need some therapy to go along with other treatments such as medication. Mental Health Clinics usually have an intake worker who does an initial assessment and then has the patient see a psychiatrist for further assessment. After consultation with the intake worker (who is a mental health professional) and the psychiatrist, a treatment plan is formulated that may include medication and/or psychotherapy.

Honestly though, what is important is going to someone who licensed or certified as a mental health professional and will make an appropriate referral if necessary. If what this individual is suggesting doesn't sound right, then you should get a second opinion. That's what I would do. I hope this answered your question Beebalm.

happy(whenpeoplegetthehelptheyneed)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

This is a warning that I feel compelled to share with your readers.

Dear Diane,

Don't feel so stupid. Smarter people than you have fallen for even dumber scams. Just know better next time.

PS. Nice boobs!

happy(bahahahahah)shrink

 

Date: April 17, 2002 

Shez responds: (See letter of April 11)

 

Date: April 16, 2002 

Dear Happyshrink,

I am in a job right now that I am unhappy with. I like what I do and would like to stay in this field if possible, but the job is far away and they keep changing my hours on me. Some weeks it's not even worth the drive. I have spoken with them about my situation and had hoped that because I am a good employee that they would work with me. They will not. I guess that the other part is that if I am so wonderful, why don't they really care whether or not I apparently stay? Surely they have to be smart enough to figure out that if someone is voicing a concern about something and that concern doesn't get addressed, the person will leave. So I have to also start wondering if I'm wonderful only in my own mind. I also do not relish the thought of hunting for another job. Having a job is a comfortable thing, even if it is irritating. Help.

Trapped

Dear Trapped,

Work constitutes almost 50% of our waking hours and can shape our identity as much if not more than any other aspect of our lives. One of the dangers of being in a job you are unhappy with is that it tends to make you feel less important and it robs you of your self esteem. By your letter you are already doubting your value and competence. That makes the thought of looking for a new job and selling yourself as a potentially valuable employee even harder. Employers may know that many people who work for them may be unhappy, but they often count on the fact that looking for and finding a better job won't be so easy. And then there are some employers that don't value their staff no matter now valuable they are. Unfortunately, too many businesses run that way.

I would say it's time to bite the bullet and start looking through the want-ads Trapped. Depending on your position, there are executive search firms that might also be worth contacting. If you are considering changing careers, it may be a good idea to make an appointment with a career counselor. Looking for a job is a huge pain in the butt, but it's not as bad as looking for a job when you are unemployed. The only thing that is trapping you right now Trapped is your own lack of action. Take the action you need to get a better job and live a better life. Good luck and let me know how you make out.

happy(atloveandwork)shrink

 

Dear JeWitch,

Now that he can see you again, maybe he'll learn how to duck better.

happy(duckingaway)shrink