Letters March 16 - 31, 2002

I am a thirty-five year old married man with two children. Every Easter my wife works hard to make it a special day for the family. She colors eggs, buys gift baskets for the kids, and prepares a great Easter meal. Every year I have to struggle through the day because my mother died of cancer on Easter Sunday when I was 13 years old. My wife is very understanding about my feelings and she does not make any demands on me, but I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that I spend the day moping about and being depressed. I also feel really angry and resentful that everyone else seems to be happy, but I don't share those feelings with anyone.

It's been twenty two years since my mom died and I don't seem to have any problems with grief during the rest of the year or on any other holidays. My mother and I were very close and she was really a very special person who deserved a longer life. She was sick the last year of her life and I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked. The time I did spend was not always pleasant as she was very weak and couldn't do much. Do you have any suggestions how I can get over this and not be such a wet blanket?

Even though you mom has been dead for 22 years, you still have issues that have never been worked through. You stated that you feel angry and resentful of others during Easter. I wonder if those feelings go deeper than just resenting that others are feeling happy. Easter has it's own special excitement and joy for children beyond the religious significance which is actually much more solemn. In many ways your mother's death robbed you of that joy and perhaps you feel angry at God, too, for taking your mother from you.

These are issues that might best be dealt in therapy wet blanket. While it doesn't seem to impact during other times of your life, it would probably be a good idea to resolve them. Your children are fortunate to have two loving parents and they should be able to enjoy their love and support on Easter as well as any other day. Work out these issues wet blanket so you can be the kind of parent you mother would have wanted you to be. Good luck and write me again if you have any further thoughts about it.

Dear happy, I am so happy that Easter is finally here. Another holiday out of the way. Then we just have the 4th of July, Halloween, then Thanksgiving ... and then ... FINALLY .. See ??? Christmas is just around the corner. It would be pretty STUPID OF ME to take my decorations down now, don't you agree ??? Usually we head for the sewage treatment plant or the city dump on Easter. Those are the VERY VERY best places in the world to hide Easter eggs. The kids have a blast there. The hunt is still on this year at the city dump ( you can see it from my kitchen window ) but I decided to send the monsters to the hunt with a neighbor and her " Spawn of Satan " ( I will tell you that story another time. ) and go with JeWitch to her Grandchildren's house. Her daughter in law makes a big EFFING fuss out of every holiday .. She is also a GREAT COOK .. They are just gonna bar-b-que another litter of possum over their at the dump. Eunis has been raising them you know. They screw like rabbits but they have much more meat on their bones. Gosh, maybe I shouldn't be telling you this .. Someone may try and steal her business idea .. who knows .. they might even start selling franchises .. oh well .. not my problem. I don't wanna raise them, they are just good eatin' that's all. JeWitch's daughter in law was busy in the kitchen . . I was watching her cook .. She made a ham and get this .. SHE BOUGHT THE MEAT AT THE GROCERY STORE !! Ain't nobody ever told her that you can go down to the dump on any given night and shoot yourself one of those wild boars ?? JeWitch was helping by hiding Easter eggs out in the yard ( takes me all night to decorate eggs, took JeWitch only 10 minutes she told us without giving away her secret. ) When she was finished hiding them ( that took only about 5 minutes. ) she called for her grandkids to grab their baskets .. "THE HUNT IS ON !!!" She yelled in the door. I didn't even make it that far, when I heard screams like someone was being killed or something, coming from her grandkids and some of their neighbors I guess. ... Stepped out into the yard .. looked over at the sand box .. and this is what I saw ...
	HOLY SHIIT .... Why didn't I ever think to do that ???? I take back everything I ever said bad about JeWitch .. She found a way to put an end to this frigging holiday in just about 2 seconds .. Look at the money her kids will save on their kid's dentist bills from all that damn Easter candy ..... Bet the next time those kids hear the words "Easter Bunny" they will go run and hide. JeWITCH ..... I BOW DOWN TO YOU, QUEEN OF ALL HOLIDAY DESTROYING !! Love, Edna

After e-mailing for a few months, she shared something VERY personal and somewhat (to me) devastating; that she was hospitalized (which is OK).....but twice last year and once about 20 yrs ago......for: "Psychotic Episodes". The only way she describes it (like I've since looked up, doing some "homework" on it)......that she was "just out of touch with reality"........but couldn't explain anymore about it. She did say with the last episode that her boyfriend called 911 and had to "lock all the doors until they came". She presently is living a GREAT distance away (a different country).......but in the next 2-3 months, she plans on coming back here (near us) to live. We mostly e-mailed......but in the last couple of months we have been speaking on the phone. To me.......she STILL sounds VERY out of touch with reality. She has a Master's Degree in Psychology.........but says she's never heard of the 12-step program (just something we were talking about, in passing; NOT due to her illness).......and MANY other things that are well known, by MUCH lesser intelligent people. I can just "feel" (since I can't visually see her) her puzzlement and confusion......but then there are times.......she's completely "with it".......talking about our past.......and funny and fun times..........and as you probably know.....it goes on & on.

MY QUESTION: I'm feeling quite a bit of anxiety, myself.......in terms of actually meeting her again in person. I'm a married lady........with grown "kids".......so there's no real fear for my family; it's more about me. I feel I don't want to meet her boyfriend....because, iF it's true, all the things she's been telling me about him, he sounds BEYOND controlling, abusive, horrible.........nobody I would EVER associate with; beyond what a "caretaker" (which is how she said she has to sometimes described him, understandably).........so I would then, be just meeting with her, alone.........so I don't know HOW often, or what would or could "set off" her "episodes". She says she is only going to take the meds in the country she is NOW in........but the reason (she says) she's waiting to come back home, is........she would NOT be on the meds. Just from what I know about mental illness (bi-polar, etc).......they must not go off their meds.......Correct? Adjusted, I understand........but completely go off them??? I just feel scared.......and don't feel comfortable with the "unpredictability" of ALL this I am hearing about..........it's even more complicated and makes VERY LITTLE sense to me; some of the things she has told me. So......I don't know "what" or "who" is speaking, ya know? The meds......her? what?

Any light you can shed on this illness.......would be much appreciated........I feel a bit selfish, thinking about myself.......I am concerned for her as well........but whenever I mention anything.........she says "THEY" won't let her or allow her, etc. THE "THEY" are her boyfriend and psychiatrist.........but I just wonder; she, as I USED to know her.......a VERY independant, stubborn........take care of business person, NOT WIMPY, isn't able to make decisions......."THEY" do. Is that normal for her illness as well? One call......she'll say she IS ill, and needs her meds and boyfriend, etc.......Next call........she'll say I'M NOT sick......and then she'll ASK ME......RIGHT J?" Gosh, I just don't know what or HOW to act, etc.

Severe and Persistent Mental Illness (SPMI) as you have described your friend's condition is something that can disable the brightest and strongest of us. Schizophrenia and bi-polar disorders often have their onset in late adolescence to early adulthood and the person you knew in Jr. and High School may have been quite normal. The person now may not have some of the abilities that she had when she was younger even though she may show glimmers of it from time to time.

Medication is sometimes a double edged sword for people suffering with a psychotic disorder. While the medication may reduce and even eliminate the hallucinations, delusions and/or paranoia, it can rob a person of emotions, spontaneity and normal mental capacity. A schizophrenic person who I have worked with once described being on medication as "wearing a coat made out of lead." It understandable why many mentally ill people want to stop taking their medication when the side effects can rob them of feeling human and alive.

While your friend may have been a very independent minded individual during her youth, that has changed as a result of her dependence on others to care for her. It is not unusual either for individuals suffering from SPMI to connect with dysfunctional and controlling individuals who often make their situations worse. It sounds like that in your friends case and I don't blame you for not wanting to meet this man.

As far as seeing your old friend, I would encourage you to do so. It is very unlikely that she poses a threat to you. Most mentally ill people are more likely to be victims of crime and violence rather than perpetrators. You can be a positive and supportive friend and right now she needs someone who can give her good advice. The advice that you need to give her is to find a good psychiatrist and look into support groups. Individuals suffering from SPMI are more likely to take their medication and follow an effective treatment plan if there are outside supports to facilitate this. I don't know where your friend will be living but I am sure their are groups like this wherever that may be.

Please let me know how you meeting goes with her and please feel free to write me again for further advice.

I am a computer tech who has not had too much luck with women. My friends have told me that I need to have some smooth pick-up lines when I go bar hopping. Please let me know what you think of the ones I came up with:

Nice Set of Floppies!

Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU?

I'd like to play on your laptop.

Need me to unzip your files?

If you were an ISP I'd dial you all day long

I'd like to boot up your PC!

I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen.

I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...

Thank you in advance for your advice. My cousin showed me your web site and thought that you might be able to help me.

My younger sister is 13 years old and I think that she may have a problem. She has become very fascinated with scary movies and is now dressing mostly in black, wants to have body piercing done and has talked with me extensively about her desire to learn all she can about devil worship. I'm not sure if this is something she picked up from a friend, or in school, or what. I do know that before all this she was very bright and involved and did well in school. I'm not certain about exactly what is going on with her now, but unless she is discussing her latest obsession with all this horror stuff, she doesn't want to talk to anyone. I am 20 years old and am in college. The school is in the same town as my parents and that is why I see her on a fairly regular basis. I do not want her to continue with this and because it was not something that I ever was interested in I can't say that I really understand it. My parents have not ever brought up the topic in any of my conversations with them and so I'm not sure whether or not to approach them with the information that I have. I do have a limited ability to become involved with this and I hope this does not sound selfish, but I do have my own schoolwork to do and my own social life to attend to. I love my sister very much and have always been there, but I think this is something that may need a professional to help her with and that is not me. I would appreciate just knowing if what she is doing is normal and I shouldn't worry. Thanks

Your sister's fascination with devil worship, scary movies and dressing in black may just be a phase that she is going through and there is a possibility that it is a harmless interest that she will eventually outgrow. On the other hand, it could be the start of some serious problems. I would definitely talk to your parents about this and express your concerns. It is very important that you and your parents communicate with your sister. While age thirteen is a time for exploration and developing one's unique identity, you and your parents can be a positive influence on your sister.

Values are important components of personal identity and as adolescents get older, they are exposed to a variety of social, religious and political values. Just like you did at her age, your sister will be dealing with issues of intimacy, career interests, sex, drugs and of course, Rock and Roll. You may still be dealing with many of those issues ST. There will be many factors that influence your sister. You and your parents need to be among them. Here again, parents that talk to their children and discuss these issues have greater influence than those who stick their heads in the sand. I really hope that you can help facilitate this process ST. If you need further advice, please don't hesitate to write again.

You know what they say.... What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Wear the bathing cap. I'll bet you'll look great in it.

I was at a movie the other day and at the end of it I was just getting up to leave and I saw a very good friend's husband. I went over to say hi to him because I assumed that my friend was with him. He looked like he was waiting for someone and the seat next to his was empty. I started to walk down the aisle toward him when this woman came over to him, picked up the sweater on the seat next to him (which belongs to my friend!) and they left, arm in arm.

I know for a fact that my friend does not suspect anything. My friend has called me and left at least 4 or 5 messages on my answering machine because we usually talk at least 3 or 4 times a day with each other (we are both involved with PTO at our kids school and are on some of the same committees) and I haven't called her back. I don't know what to say. Please give me some advice

There can be a number of explanations for your friend's husband being with another women. Some of them are innocent and reasonable explanations and some of them are not. I can understand that seeing him with another woman made you uncomfortable because you probably though of the "not" explanations. But the fact is, you don't know why he was with another woman and to be blunt, it's none of your business.

My suggestion is that you leave this alone Bewildered Friend. If your husband's friend is carrying on an affair and he is bold enough to go to a local movie theatre with his mistress, he is going to get caught without your help. Avoiding your friend will make her suspicious of you and make you even more uncomfortable. Don't get involved in something that can cost you a good friend. Call her back and put the incident out of your mind.

You ain't gonna believe this. JeWitch got fired from another job. Didn't last 2 hours. She was setting up her desk. She put the pencils on the left, her being left handed and' all. And she put her waste basket on the right corner of her desk and put the sign "SFGTD" on it. The boss come in an' asked her to do something with a stack of papers. He asked her what "SFGTD" was on the waste basket and she says, Something for God To Do. When he turn round, she dumped the papers in the basket. There went another job.

JeWitch sent me her résumé and asked me if I would help her find another job. I told her I would and proceeded to put her résumé in my SFGTD file. There are just some tasks that we must leave to the Almighty!

I've read books, done therapy, and consulted with many for over 16 years without any substantial progress. Among other problems, I need to deal with a mental compulsion to break apart words and phrases into symmetrical groups, the continual counting and sorting of everything I see, and the uncontrollable parade of ideas in my head competing for attention. This interferes with concentration, impairs decision-making, and leads to frustration and depression.

I would welcome suggestions, possible solutions, reference materials, referrals, anything you might recommend.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can vary in severity and in the more severe cases, symptoms may continue even with treatment. I don't know the severity or the specifics of your condition but I do have some suggestions for you. I would try to find a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD. If you live in or near a large metropolitan area, I would look into hospitals and clinics that may have special programs or departments that treat OCD. I can't guarantee that you will rid yourself of this condition, but hopefully you can learn to live a more normal and productive life.

You might also want to look into support groups. People who share your condition may be able to be a support system for you as well as give you some first hand strategies and insights. There is a very good website by the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation that can recommend support groups and as well a professional referrals. It has a lot of good information about different treatments available. If you want to access this web site, click here.

Please let me know how you make out and if you find any other resources. Good luck.

So JeWitch is really a cactus? That actually would explain a lot about her. I'm still trying to figure you out and that's not easy, even for me. When you see JeWitch next, wish her a Happy Passover.

I am a mother who has two children, one in college and the other about to graduate at the end of this year. I find that I am doing things for my youngest that normally I would not do, like preparing him lunch or ironing his jeans. I have heard about "empty nest" syndrome and wonder if this could be the beginning of that. My other son is in college in California and has been living and going to school there for three years. He does come home for Christmas vacation and during a couple of breaks in the year, but has a very full life and a very good summer job in the town where the school is located. I speak with him every week but maybe because I had my other son still living at home I was more ready to let go of him. My second son also is looking into the same school as my oldest son and although I am happy that they both seem to have found what they want and where they want to go, it seems very far away to me (we live in Ohio). There is a part of me that really wants to just pack up and move with them and a part of me that knows that moving for that reason alone is not a very good plan. Can you give me some advise about what to do? I have always encouraged my boys to be independent and mature and responsible. They are two very fine young men and I am proud of them. Right now I just want them to need me a little more I guess. How do I cope with all this?

As you have given your sons very good advice, maybe it's time for you to follow the same advice. You have encouraged your sons to be independent, mature and responsible. You need to do the same thing in your own life. Now that you are about to have two mature and independent sons, it's time for you to become more independent too. That means developing your own goals for the next stage of your life. That could include going back to school yourself, looking into a new career, developing new interests and hobbies, getting involved in your community, etc.

It is true that with your younger son leaving for college, a part of your "job" has been eliminated. Just like anyone who "losses" their job, you can let it paralyze you and feel worthless or you can see it as an opportunity to do something new and exciting. You did a great job over the past 20 years and now it's time to do a great job in a new arena. Find something new to be passionate about Empty Nest Mom and your nest won't be empty very long. Good luck and write again.

Well Harley done took her first steps yesterday. The overjoy was ruined by The Earl cuz Harley decided to get into my nail polish that I left out. I had painted her nails before cuz she is really such a girly girl. So what happen was The Earl was laying on the couch doing in a pack a Marlboros and a 12 pack watching a basketball game an I was cleaning the greens for dinner. When The Earl dozed off, Harley took my red polish and poured it all over The Earl's fingers and when he rolled over, he flopped his big hand into the ash tray. After a few too many minutes of not hearing Harley, I figured I better check to see what she be doing.

Lord-a-mercy.....what a mess. It was on the Formica coffee table and the rug and the worse...the cigarette butts were stuck to The Earl's fingers. I didn't have any more polish remover, so we got off most of the butts, but NONE of the polish. Now The Earl stead of carrying on about Harley a walking, is raving about how he, being a manly man, had to go to work with his nails polished. I said to put on a glove and it was only on one hand. I think he's one o' them glass half empty people.

Suggesting to the Earl that he wear one glove may not be a good idea. The only other guy I know that wears just one glove is Michael Jackson and he's not exactly the Earl's idea of a manly man. My suggestion is that you spring for the 59¢ and buy another bottle of nail polish remover. Congratulations on Harley's first steps.

I have to pass along this story about a co-worker similar to Cal's description of himself. He was a single guy, OK for looks, very nice, but awkward around the single ladies and a bit 'geeky' acting. He went about his business, was friendly, he was (and is) a good worker, bought a home, got involved with community & church. One day at a church outing, where a group was driving to another destination, a single lady grabbed his hand and said 'I'm riding with you'. It's been 4 years now and they have 2 lovely daughters and a stable marriage. They were 29 & 31 when they got together. The transformation in my co-worker was amazing. Soon after he started dating that nice lady he lost that 'geeky' look, and became confidant in the terrific guy he was all along.

Thanks for your story. You know there is a lot of geek in many of us guys and it's nice to know that there are still a few smart women out there that can see past the dorky glasses and the pocket protectors. I hope Cal is as lucky as your co-worker and it's important to remember one of my favorite quotes attributed to legendary baseball executive, Branch Rickey: Luck is the residue of design.

Now all Cal has to come up with is a good design for meeting people and just being himself. I just hope that the hat he wears doesn't have ear flaps.

Send Cal to me. I am an excellent, experienced teacher. I'll teach him everything he wants or needs to know and won't even ask to borrow the BMW.

Did Cal say BMW? I think that was a typo. Cal rides a BMX (the 2 wheeler). It's light weight and it keeps him physically fit. If you are going to be a good teacher Judi, make sure you make Cal do his lessons again and again and again until he gets it right! I just have one more question.... Where the hell were all you women when I needed a teacher?

Maybe today you won't crack your head open testing out the new roller blades you got for your birthday (that some idiot agreed to get for you and whose name rhymes with Shnappyshmink) and spend 5 hours in the ER.

I am a 27 year old male who has an MBA and a very good job. I enjoy white water rafting, hiking and tennis. I have a few good friends and I am close to my family. I have my own apartment and I drive a BMW. I guess I am painting the picture of a very happy and contented individual......except for one thing. I have never dated a woman and the thought of doing so absolutely terrifies me. I have no problems communicating with women I work with them and I even have a very good female friend (platonic of course). I have been told that I'm a good looking guy, but I never have felt that way about myself.

I am totally heterosexual and have what I think are normal fantasies about women. I just feel like anyone I meet will be more experienced that I am and view me as a freak. I don't know how to get over this problem but I really want to be in a relationship, maybe even get married and have kids. I consider myself a good person, kind, thoughtful and understanding. Some friends I have shared my problem with think I need to just take some risks and good things will happen. I wish I could have their confidence. Where do you go to get some courage?

The first three sentences of your letter could be reprinted in a singles ad. Add to that the line about being "a good person, kind, thoughtful and understanding and you might have to get two post office box numbers to handle all the letters. What may have been a small problem of shyness when you were an adolescent has escalated into a full blown phobia. Clearly the problem is more in your head than anywhere else Cowardly Cal. Before I give you a few suggestion on how to overcome your fears, I want to tell you a few things about sex, relationships and self esteem.

-No matter how many times you have asked a girl out on a date, it's always a bit (and often more than a bit) scary.

-Every new sexual encounter is an odyssey. It is common for even experienced individuals to feel like sex with a new partner is like having sex for the first time.

So what can you do to feel more self confident Cowardly Cal? You can allow yourself to feel scared without feeling that it is a weakness. Most people who are kind and sensitive see that as a strength. You can buy some books on human sexuality to familiarize yourself with what you do when you have sex with someone. What may appear to be obvious sometimes isn't and it will help you to feel more confident in what you do.

Lastly, you can tell some of your friends you are interested in meeting a young single woman who is interested in some of the things you are interested in so you can go on some dates. If you need to Cal (let's drop the cowardly stuff right now) see a therapist who can help you understand your fears and issues better. There could be other factors underlying your problem that may not have emerged in your letter. If you would like to tell me more, please feel free to write me again. Good luck.

We were sitting at the bar the other night, Edna, Bubba, Earl and myself. The bartender was giving away FREE DRINKS to the first person who could tell him the answer to the question, "What is Easter?"

Bubba says "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..." "WRONG," said the bartender. He turns to ask Edna the same question, "What is Easter?"

Edna says, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." The bartender looked at Edna and just shook his head in disgust, turns to me and asks, "What is Easter?"

Everyone was looking really thirsty by now and so I said, "Even though I am a Jew, I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and he was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples." The bartender was amazed and the gang started calling out their drink orders when I continued. "The Romans took Jesus to be crucified. He was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large bolder.

Just about the time the bartender was going to walk away without collecting any money, I continued with "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks of winter." I really knew better but .. SCREW THOSE LOSERS .. let them win their own drinks !!

I want to wish you a very happy Passover! May you light the 8 Passover candles for each night of Passover and get plenty of Passover gelt.

Laughter is a very important component of good mental health but there is a time and place for it. When you are in school the focus needs to be on your studies and not writing notes to me or each other. If looking at one another will result in the two of you laughing hysterically, then maybe you need to stop looking at each other.

Seventeen is a good age to be and laughter should be a part of it. You are both dealing with a lot of issues right now including: identity issues, career options, issues about sexual conduct, issues about drinking, smoking and taking drugs, friendship and loyalty issues, getting along with your parents and siblings and living in a turbulent and uncertain world....whew! The only way to survive some of those not so funny issues is to be able to laugh and act silly. I want the two of you to continue to act silly. Just do it in the right places and at the right times. Good luck and feel free to write me again.

I heard that today is WindnWillow's birthday, but you will never believe who else's birthday it is; BUBBA's! We are planning a great day that will be topped off by dinner at Denny's and dessert at 7-11 (I heard they got a new slurpee flavor. But the best thing is that I got Bubba a new hunting rifle so he could get us some fresh meat to eat for a change instead of 2 day old road kill. Bubba was so excited that he got up at 6am this morning to go hunting. He left in such a hurry, that he forgot to go to the bathroom. Luckily for him, I sent him out with proper provisions. Here is a Polaroid picture that Andie took of Bubba bagging his first buck with his new rifle.

Wish Bubba a Happy Birthday from me too! I know you really think Bubba is special but from the picture you sent me, he still looks like the same old ass.

Dear Happy,

It's moi again. I've been putting off writing for a long time, because I'm scared of sounding like a childish idiot. but, me and Dylan broke up. Now, before you write this off as a 14 year old puppy love relationship and that we were doomed to a premature split. but listen: We were together for a year. That beats all eighth grade boyfriend/girlfriend bull excrement and it actually meant something.It did. We were experiencing feelings so intense it was frightening.

Our love was pure, tender, sweet and uncorrupted by sex. Then we broke up and it's all my fault, hence the name "love repelling absolute cynic" and if this isn't a heartbreak I'm experiencing, then I don't want to grow up and have a real one. I'm scared, I'm desperate, I'm deliriously out of my mind with grief, and I feel like I'm going to flop over and die. I don't care about anyone anymore...except for Dylan.

and:
My dad has landed himself in the looney bin. Yep, my dad is insane. Our entire family is insane. By the time I'm 20 I'll be pregnant with all kinds of mental illnesses. my mom's bringing us to the shrink 4 times a year to check our brains to see if we've inherited any of our father's craziness, like a checkup. It's sick. My dad might never come back to reality and Dylan is gone.

I feel like no one will ever want me again. I wont be able to fool anybody into wanting to be with me, that Dylan was the best I can possibly get, probably the ONLY I can possibly get, and now that he's done with me, I'll be alone for the rest of my life. and dylan...

-love repelling cynic

I don't believe that because you are young, your feelings for Dylan and your sense of loss over the breakup is either childish or something that will be easy to get over. A year is a long time to have such an intimate relationship and your feelings are as intense as anyone who has written me. The fact that your family situation is very difficult make things seem that much more desperate.

So things are pretty bad right now love repelling cynic. I can understand that you feel unlovable and you are pessimistic about your future. But your life doesn't have to be a tragedy love repelling cynic. As intense as your grief is right now, your potential for joy is just as great. You can make that happen. It's up to you to choose to be a victim or to choose to conquer your adversities. You are intelligent, sensitive and thoughtful. That counts for something. Keep trying love repelling cynic. I'll keep listening.

It's bad enough that my children are ashamed of me. Now my cat won't come out when people visit. JeWitch wears sun glasses when we go shopping at a Mall and Bubba never wants to go out in public. I realize that I am not the young attractive barfly that I used to be, but it seems to me I deserve more respect then I get. I know you wanted to see a picture of my cat and I finally got him to come out and pose for a picture but he really didn't want to do it.

I am appalled that Bubba, JeWitch and your children consider themselves above you. It's not like they are such treasures. The cat may have a point though.

Is it wrong to look at pictures of strange sexual acts and become aroused by them? I find that I am turned on by scenes of "golden showers" and of group sex, which are things that I would not do in my own life. But for some reason, seeing this arouses me and I don't know why. Help?

Many people have fetishes and sexual interest that may be "odd." While there might be moral and religious taboos against these thoughts, it is not necessarily unhealthy by mental health standards. It depends more on your actions than your thoughts. As long as your behaviors are with consenting adults and there no one getting injured, I believe that you have nothing to worry about. There are some things to be cautious about though. Pornography is quite abundant on the Internet and while many of these sites are "legal" and display pictures and movies of consenting adults, there are some sites that show children engaging in sex, depict rape scenes, mutilation and abuse. Besides being illegal, these kinds of fantasies can be mentally damaging.

What you described as your fantasies are not particularly harmful and since they are just fantasies, I wouldn't worry about it. If you have any further concerns please feel free to write me again.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

I'm 15 yrs. old and I'm doing a report for school. I was hoping that you could possibly tell me anything on Mental Abuse for my report.

3. Does it affect others around them other than themselves and the person doing this to them?

5. In your opinion, who does it hurt more, the one doing the abusing, or the one being abused?

Thanks for your help, it's one of our MN grad standards and we need to get opinions from professionals. and would you like to be sited as anonymous in my bibliography?

Dear Happy,

Men are jerks. No question. JeWitch has 'em pegged and that Bobbett woman has the cure. And The Earl is the king o' jerks. What happen' Saturday was the Lotto was $25 million an' The Earl aint had a win in $327.00 worth a tries. He also were major thirsty after sickling the lawn. But I was in the tub for a good relaxing soaking. So he said, "I'm taking Harley with me to the 7-11. So Harley were playing with her piglet an' when he tried to take her without it, she went to screamin'. So he taked Harley and the piglet, she calls Dada (an she calls The Earl, Dunka. May be short for drunkard, but I'll never tell.) to the 7-11.

I got done with my bath an' put my hair up an' went ta the porch to wait for them to come home. Why was it takin' them 45 minutes to go 1 mile. Finally he pulls in and he has the 12 pack strapped into the car seat. I lit into him good.
Here be his explanation. He say when they headed out, Harley dropped the pig just afore he got to the corner, and it got under the brake peddle and' when he stopped at the stop sign the piglet squealed. This scared the shit outta him and he run the stop sign. Luck would have it, no cars was comming, but a cop saw it and pulled him over. He weren't drunk cuz as you already know, he was going after beer, and Harley were in the car seat so all he had to explain was the running down the sign.

The cop just give him a warning after that tale. So now he tries to take Harley in without the piglet, but she wouldn't have no part o' that. So he put the piglet under Harley's shirt and went in right straight to the cold beer. But he were so shook up he drunk 2 beers to calm his nerves. Now that had to be quite a juggling act, Harley, cold 12 pack, piglet, and drink 2 beers standing on line to buy Lotto tickets. Now when he gets to the truck, instead of putting the baby in the seat with Dada, he puts the 12 pack in the car seat an' straps it in and puts Harley on the floor with the piglet.

So when I see this, I said, "What the Hell was you thinkin'?" He said he paid good money for cold beer and weren't gonna put it in the heat in the back of the truck. I said, "Why the Hell didn't you put Harley in the seat and the beer on the floor?" He said, he was scared Harley would drop the piglet again and he might get in a accident. And he were afraid the 12 pack might fall on Harley or the piglet, so he strapped it in.

I couldn't think o' anything else he couldda done. So could you hurry something to tell him he shouldda done before he sobers up. Then I'll be ready to lite into him agin.

I think you should have the Earl go to Walmart and get one of those beer brewing kits. Then he won't have to ever go out for beer again.....or.... he could get DUI to drive while he..... never mind. Good luck with Lotto.

I have been given Klonopin by my family physician for occasion episodes of stress and anxiety. The dosage is ½mg "as needed" and it seems to do the job well. My problem is that my doctor warned me that it can be addictive and sometimes I will not take it because I think I may become an addict. Is this possible with Klonopin?

Klonopin is not really "addictive" as much as one can develop a dependency on it. Your body will not crave Klonopin but there can be the danger of feeling the need to take it more often. The dosage you have been given is a low therapeutic dosage and you can probably take one or even two Klonopin per day without it becoming a problem. It might be a good idea though to set parameters for it's usage. If there are certain situations that make you feel anxious or stressed out, reserve it's use for those times. It's also a good idea not to consume alcohol while taking Klonopin.

If you need further information about Klonopin, you should speak with your doctor. There is also a lot of information on the Internet about it if you want to research it further. Good luck and let me know what you find out.

We will be moving out of the Circle K Trailer Court as of the end of this month because the owner of the court told my mother she was having too many parties. Yes, Momma likes her Steppenwolf and her Iron Butterfly and she does crank it up pretty loud when she has all her biker friends over, but what the hell. I say let the old people live it up while they can. Pretty soon they'll all be fifty and too old to do much of anything.

Your mom is really lucky to have such a compassionate son. I guess that like your mom, you were "born to be wild."

I am writing to you because I am not sure if I have a problem or not. I used to go to bed every night around 9 or so and sleep until about 7 in the morning. I felt very rested and had no trouble with work or anything the next day. On the weekends I would stay up later and sleep later. Recently, I have found that I am not going to sleep until 2 or 3 in the morning and then am waking up around 6 or so. I still do not feel tired and in fact feel very energetic. I have also begun to go to a new club that features a gothic theme and have tried some "club drugs" that have a very interesting effect. I do not drink while I am at clubs though because I am not sure about how that would mix with anything else. Come to think of it, I really drink very little, even socially. I prefer club soda.

That's really not that important though. I talked to my parents about this last weekend when I was over at their house visiting. My mother thinks that I just need to get back into my routine and that once I do this will all stop. My dad thinks that I should go see a doctor to make sure I'm not sick or something. I didn't tell them about the drug part, but I'm kind of sure that they know that if I go to clubs a lot that I must at least be trying something. All they say to me is "if you go to the clubs, take a cab home. We'll give you the fare if you want it. Just don't drive." They really are nice people. So what do you think? I'm 27 and have a good accounting job which I enjoy. I am not dating anyone and really am pretty happy with things otherwise.

I don't know what "club drugs" you are taking but it can't be good for your overall health and it could be affecting your sleep patterns. I know that "clubbing" is a very in thing to do these days but it can also be dangerous, especially if you are using drugs. I would strongly suggest you not take these drugs. As far as your overall health, it is always a good idea to get a medical exam and determine if there is something physically affecting your sleep patterns.

Your parents do sound like nice people who care a lot about you. If you can't tell them the whole truth about what you are doing, how good can the things you are doing be for you? You are young, have a good job and potentially a bright future. Don't screw it up DLG. If you feel that there is a void in your life that drugging and clubbing fills, maybe you need to see a therapist and explore alternatives. Good luck and please feel free to write me again.

Happyshrink,

I am thinking about quitting the Alternitive Hi-Skool becuz the classes are just to goddamn hard. Take art class, for example. I flunked the color quiz (but that's becuz there were trick questions about how to make orange and green) and I got low grades on my finger painting and paper chain projects. Then there's gym class. I have to pass the hopscotch final or I got to repeat the hole year. Isn't that a bunch of crap? You know, there's a lot of sucksessful people what never even graduated from hi-skool. Take my mother for example. She makes about $1,000 in a weekend and she don't have to spell or count or any of that horses**t-- that's what pimps are for.

Lucy Gail

Your mama only makes $100 in a weekend. She would probably earn more but she never learned to count zeros very well. So stay in school and learn some math! I see you are doing really well in English. It's amazing how much your writing has improved since your last letter. As far as passing the hopscotch final, just make sure you wear jeans and not that miniskirt when you take the final. Once Mr. Carver realizes that he can't look up your skirt anymore, he'll probably pass you.

My name is Alley, right now everyone in the 8th grade is doing critical issues. Basically, I need to know the history of teen suicide, what were/ are previous attempts to stop (that's unrealistic) rephrase: what were/ are some attempted solutions to prevent teen suicide and why has the statistics chart gotten so high over the past decade? please respond soon

Before one can understand the history and nature of teenage suicide, one has to understand the history and nature of adolescence. Actually while teenagers have existed throughout all human history, adolescence is a fairly new concept. During the most of human history, teenagers were thrust into adulthood and were expected to work, get married and raise their own families. Several hundred years ago and earlier, when the life expectancy was in the forties or less, the teenage years were the prime years. When you were in your twenties you were already middle aged.

Adolescence as has been called the "Age of Identity" and even referred to as the time of "Identity Crisis." Adolescents of today are faced with many difficult tasks to accomplish as well as many decisions to make. Among the tasks are:

-Adapting to the biological and emotion changes that have come about during puberty

-Deciding on whether or not to take drugs, drink alcohol and/or smoke cigarettes

Given the turbulent times we live in and the pressures to succeed, it is not surprising that the rate of teenage suicide has gone up. The pressures both external as well as internal that teenagers face are greater than ever.

So how we reduce the rates of teenage suicide? I don't have any test studies nor do I have any statistics but I do have some opinions. I believe that the key to reducing teenage suicide is communication. We need to listen to teenagers more. We need to talk with them rather than at them. While adults need to get respect from teens, we must in turn give respect to them. Without respect, there is no true communication; just lip service.

In addition, we must develop trust with one another. Kids who trust their parents and/or teachers, are more likely to seek help when they are troubled and less likely to resolve their problems by suicide.

Good luck with your paper Alley. Make sure you find some statistics and get information from other sources.

JeWitch showed me a picture and told me to find the "hidden bird." I looked all over this picture and couldn't find so much as a feather let alone a whole bird. Can you see where the bird is?

If you look real close at the reflection in the cat's eyes, you will see JeWitch "flipping the bird." Ain't she a pip?

Can you explain why depression and anxiety seem to go hand in hand? I am depressed and have recently been placed on Klonopin which I understand is for anxiety. I myself do not see that I am anxious, but my psychiatrist explained that many of the symptoms that I am describing are anxiety related. How is this so? I thought depression made someone feel very lethargic and if you feel lethargic how can you be anxious?

Depression is often experienced as a sense of helplessness and hopelessness that results in lethargy. When a depressed person attempts to take action, this can cause anxiety and stress. Likewise, when someone experiences anxiety over a period of time, it can become emotionally exhausting and lead to depression. These conditions go hand in hand when you look at them in terms of symptoms.

Anxiety and depression can also be symptoms of other mental illnesses. Individuals suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will often have symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. The use of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs are often used for PTSD as well.

Lastly, some anti-depressants are can actually be used to treat anxiety related symptoms such as Paxil being used for generalized anxiety disorders as well as panic attacks. If all of this seems confusing Confused, that's because it is. A good psychiatrist looks for a medication or group of medications that will work well together to treat all of your symptoms and minimize your side effects. If your medications are working for you, that's what is most important. If it's not, you should talk to your psychiatrist about it. Please feel free to write me again.

There is JeWisdom for every occasion. Here is JeWisdom for #askhappyshrink: Tuesday Nights 8:30

1. Create an insanely long user name. Refuse to speak to people who try toabbreviate it.

Whew! I was afraid you were going to tell people how to be disruptive. Thanks for giving people good tips on how to fit in.

Postings from March 16-31, 2002