Letters February 16

My twelve year old daughter is has recently had severe mood swings where she goes from being silly and laughing to hysterical crying. During her crying spells she has said things like she hates herself and she wishes she was dead. A year ago she was a sweet fun loving kid. Is this a phase she is going through or should I be worried?

Anytime a kid says something to the effect that he or she wishes they were dead, it is something to worry about. While this is not quite a threat of suicide, it is something that should be checked out. You can talk to your family physician or your daughter's school counselor/advisor for a referral. At the very least it will give you peace of mind that there is nothing serious going on.

I would also suggest that your daughter get a full physical exam. Given her age, her mood swings could be related to puberty and hormonal changes. There are also other medical conditions that can cause mood swings and your daughters physician can determine if there is a physical reason for her behavior. Your reaction to her behavior is also important. Try to be patient and understanding while she is going through this "period of adjustment" (sorry for the bad pun). Good luck and let me know the outcome.

Man. This getting up at 6 AM is killing me. I thought it would be better since I wasn't a night person. One thing is for sure though. I am definitely a "24-hour-a-day-voices-in-my-head" kind of person.

My name is T****. I'm an 18 year old college student in Texas and I think I may have some sort of anxiety or depression. I have not been able to go to a mental health physician to be evaluated, mainly due to the fact that my parents don't think there is anything wrong with me. I am constantly paranoid about my boyfriend and friends. I have difficulty trusting anyone, even people who have proven to be loyal to me. I have "episodes" of anxiety and paranoia that cause me to feel like everyone is against me, I do impulsive things, and I fall into depression. There is usually no real reason for me to feel this way, I just tend to overanalyze and make wild assumptions. As soon as everything is clarified I am back to my self....whatever that is. I can't have a constant state of emotion. I'm either really happy or really sad. Could this be a disorder?

You may be suffering from a disorder but there is no way of knowing if this is the case or what that disorder may be unless you are properly evaluated. Given your situation, I suggest you make an appointment to meet with a college counselor and tell him/her what you told me. The college counselor may not be qualified to diagnose your condition but he/she may be able to give you a referral to a psychiatrist and help communicate to your parents that you do have a problem. Parents are often in denial or don't know what to do when their kids come to them with issues of anxiety and depression. Don't let that stand in the way of getting the help you need T****. Please let me know what happens. Good luck.

Sorry I haven't written. I was going to Israel, remember ?? Well, I only got as far as the Grand Canyon. That place is amazing. JeWitch flew out West because I was so tired I couldn't drive another mile. On the way back she was telling stories to help herself stay awake. This was my favorite. It is a bible story. From the book of Blobediah.

Blobediah was a - soldier in the Jerusalem army and his wife Zekey Zue worked at one of the local inns, the Jerusalem Tap. Blobediah and his wife had an okay marriage except for some reason, Blobediah was afraid of doing his husbandly duties. He maintained that he could perform these duties if he would be allowed to have his straw animal collection in their hut while they had sex but Zekey Zue would not agree to this.

Well, back in those days, Blobediah had several ways he could resolve this matter: 1) he could have Zekey Zue stoned to death for noncompliance 2) he could have her pushed off a cliff 3) he could have her set on fire or 4) he could pray to the Almighty and beseech him to give him the courage to do his husbandly duties.

Well, lucky for Zekey Zue, Blobediah picked number 4. But the thing was, that when Blobediah prayed to the Almighty about his problem, the Almighty thought it was such an absurd request that He started chuckling. Then He started laughing and laughing and laughing-so hard that clouds started coming out of His nose. And the earth started shaking and shaking and shaking and the Almighty got so cracked up, that this big rip took place in the ground over in what is now North America. And that's how we got the Grand Canyon.

JeWitch said that Reverend Al told her that story, right around the time he quit drinking.

My favorite hymn is from the story of Blobediah. It's called, "If you like Zekey Zue, Zekey Zue like you too." Reverend Al taught it to me on one of our religious pilgrimages to Hooters.. By the way, Israel is East of Florida; not West. Next time use Map Quest.

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that the pessimist feels that life could not get any worse. The optimist KNOWS that it can. You have a lot of overwhelming things going on in your life right now and I can certainly understand your feeling hopeless, helpless and ALONE. It's OK to give yourself permission to feel that way for awhile.

You identified 3 specific issues that are going on and there are 3 things you need to do. You need a job. You need to either improve or get out of your marriage. You need to help your mother. My suggestion is to deal with one problem at a time right now. Trying to deal with all of them may result in dealing with none of them. Perhaps you can put your job situation on hold as well as your marriage (it sounds like your marriage has been on hold for some time anyway).

Find out what you need to do to help your mother recover from her condition. You may need to make some difficult decisions like whether or not she will need supportive living and what kind of rehab is realistic. Try and meet with social services at the hospital to develop a plan for when she gets out. It may also involve physical and occupational therapists.

Once your mother's situation is stabilized a bit, you should start looking for work again. Don't beat up on yourself for losing your job. Try to learn from your mistakes and look for a job that you feel confident you can succeed in. Right now you may not feel like you can succeed at any job but in time your self confidence will come back.

Eventually you should consider marriage counseling to see if your marriage can be salvaged or if it's time for you and your husband to move on with your lives separately. It would probably be a good idea for you to see a therapist right now for support and help with your feeling overwhelmed. I will be glad to continue responding to your letters if that is helpful, but this will not take the place of being in therapy which is something you might need right now. Let me know what you think. Don't give up!

It's really nice hearing from the two of you. I can't believe that you guys are already in sixth grade. It seems like only short time ago that the two of you were in diapers. Come to think of it, that was last Summer, wasn't it? Anyway it sounds like the two of you are doing very well. I just have one suggestion next time your stupid gym teacher hands you that crap about being an inanimate object builds character. Just let him know that the two of you don't need to build character! You guys are the spelling champs of the entire Circle K alternative school. That's character enough.

I read your letter today about worried and scared and just want to say that I think she should get out now and be thankful that her husband hasn't done any damage. It's ok to be worried and scared....but she has children. She shouldn't be worried, scared and senseless. It's ok to leave and not look back. Really. No one will fault her for it and her children will thank her when they realize what a great thing she did for all of them.

I say let her husband work out his own problems. When people start with that stuff, there really is not an end to it that is anything good. Whatever the small amount of good there is - not worth it. Just not worth it. It's just my opinion, though. Hope worried and scared will think about it.

Thank you for your good advice to Worried and Scared. This is a very difficult situation and Worried and Scared must seek out her own solutions. The hallmark of abuse is power and control. Helping the victim of abuse involves letting them make their own choices and not imposing even the most benevolent of opinions. Let's hope that she makes the right ones for herself.

I am doing a research report in my English 3 class on using Humor as a medicine and would love to know your opinion about it. If you could write me back I would very appreciative. Thanks

I don't have any clinical studies about humor as a medicine but I truly believe that it is a critical component of good mental health. For most people, life is demanding and stressful. The ability to find humor in everyday life can reduce stress in a positive way. Other ways to relieve stress might be smoking cigarettes, overeating, taking drugs or drinking alcohol. Clearly humor has advantages over these other options. Less stress can mean lower blood pressure as well. Good luck and let me know what grade you got on your paper.

I don't remember if I wished you a Happy Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas. a Happys Hanukkah and a Happy Valentine's Day. This should take care of the whole year.

Please help! My husband has an uncontrollable temper, rage, throws things, and has terrible mood swings. He will be fine one minute and then lashes out the next regarding really small things and won't speak for days. I am afraid for my baby and my safety. This isn't a case of abuse yet, just absolute rage. I believe it is definitely a chemical imbalance. He doesn't see that he has a problem even though friends and family have confronted him. He is very irritable, rude, agitated, jumpy, and does things without concern of the consequences. He once swung a golf club at his mother for coming into his room unannounced (missed her though) and took an ax to his ex-girlfriends door.

His son was diagnosed with ADD. Does this sound like it could possibly be ADD, Bipolar, or something else? Any ideas if he could seek medicinal help? I don't want to go home until he seeks help. I am afraid next time he may not be able to control himself from hurting us. Do these symptoms sound like a chemical imbalance to you, or do you think rather a different problem? Thank you for any advice you can provide on what you think this may be.

You have every reason to be worried and scared but I will disagree with you on one point. This is a case of abuse. He has you terrorized and worried about the safety of you and your child. That is emotional abuse and in the long run it can be as damaging to you and your child as physical abuse. The fact that he hasn't physically harmed you yet does not make it any less desperate a situation and I would urge you to seek safety away from him.

Figuring out what is wrong doesn't help the situation as long as he is refusing to get help. While it might be a chemical imbalance or ADD, it can also be "explosive or aggressive personality disorders" as well as other conditions. The only way to find out what is wrong and to assess the prognosis for successfully treating him is if he is evaluated by a psychiatrist. Don't settle for anything less. Accepting promises that he will change his ways will just perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

I hope you have found a safe place to stay and you also might want to consider going to court and seeking an order of protection. I know these are drastic steps but that's what you need to do to ensure your safety. On a yearly basis almost four million spouses, girlfriends and significant others are treated at doctor's offices and emergency rooms for domestic violence. Don't be a part of that statistic. Be safe worried and scared and please continue to write me for support if you need it.

You know I never had much admiration for former President Clinton but when I heard that his dawg got killed, my heart just went out to him and his family. I decided to send him one of Maalox's pups. I wasn't sure that President Clinton would like a trailer park dawg and I wasn't sure that Willie would take to living up north. Well it seems like little Willie Jr. has taken to the ex-president and the ex- president has taken to little Willie Jr. like a Hoppenstadder takes to road kill. I think Mr. Clinton has already started training Willie Jr. Here is a picture that he sent me of Willie Jr. from when Chelsea had a few of her friends over.

Maybe Chelsea should be warned not to serve beans and broccoli next time she has her friends over.

There are people who go about their lives being the caretakers for others. The spouse of the alcoholic or substance abuser is the most commonly discussed but the care recipient can be anyone who is needy or in need. The hallmark of codependency is that is doesn't really help the person in need; it just perpetuates the dependency situation. The benefit(s) often derived by the codependent can be anything from feeling in control of someone else's life, being viewed as a hero or feeling like a martyr.

While there are some people that have a codependent personality to begin with and will seek out someone to "take care of," others become codependent as a result of a situation that has been thrust upon them. Parents of physically or emotionally handicapped children may fall into a codependency roll over time. Friends and family of some very needy people will sometimes get caught up in codependency as a result of circumstances.

On occasion, the codependency can disguise the person who is truly dependent. An example might be an unemployed son or daughter of an elderly parent who's health and memory is failing may continue to take care of their parent even though it might be in the best interest of the parent to enter a supportive living situation. The codependent caregiver may feel that if their parent enters such a facility they might not be able to get a job and support themselves. As a result, they will struggle to keep their loved one at home and maintain their altruistic reasons while in fact they are really worried about their own future.

Codependency is a very complex dynamic and there are quite a few books on the subject. I particularly like two books by Melody Beattie called Codependency No More and Beyond Codependency. I recommend these books if you wish to explore this subject further FB. Good luck and let me know what you learn.

Yesterday was so nice here in Florida! I just had to run over to JeWitch's house to see if she had any flowers starting to appear beneath her kitchen window. I like to pull them before they start growing because I don't want to trample them when I go to visit. I just also happened to overhear her relate this story to her man friend. It was nice just to hear her talk about her family. Here's the story:

It seems that JeWitch's grandparents were both very old when they died. JeWitch remembers the day her grandfather died and she went over to comfort her grandmother. She was only 10 years old...doesn't that just about break your heart? Poor JeWitch! Losing her only remaining grandfather after the tragic incident that killed the other one - you know, the unfortunate incident involving duct tape and the chain saw. Well, he didn't sound too bright to me either. Anyway, JeWitch asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. Her grandmother looked squarely at JeWitch and said "Why dear, he had a heart attack when we were having sex." JeWitch said she just stared at her grandmother. "But grandma, you're 95! And Grandpa was 102! You still have sex?!" JeWitch's grandmother gazed out the window and sighed "yes, dear. Just because the pipes are old doesn't mean they're clogged. We had sex every Sunday morning at 10:00" "Why exactly at 10:00," asked JeWitch. "Well, at 10:00 the church bells would toll and that's how we would keep the pace. In on one ring, out on the next. When the bells stopped, so did we. And if the goddamned ice cream truck hadn't come around your grandfather would still be here!"

Well, speaking of Sunday rituals. My Gilbert likes me to clean real good between his toes every week on account of he can't really reach them too good any more.

I just hope that when I reach the ripe old age of 102, I will be able to get up on a Sunday morning and get a toasted almond bar from that friendly man who sells Good Humor. Sex of course would be out of the question. (unless it would be from some young and cute 87 year old).

Dear Judiblueye,

The process of getting an Order of Protection or PPO as it is called in your area can be a very trying and difficult process. I can only suggest that you keep at it and ask the police for help in obtaining the Sociopath's address. The police are not always disposed to helping in these situations but it's not out of the question either. It may take a bunch of phone calls before you can get the help you need. It might be good if you can try to speak to someone in community affairs or the juvenile division.

Even without a PPO, you can still call the police if he shows up. For someone like the Sociopath, it's hard to say how much of an impact a PPO will have on him. When the kids are alone in the house you need to impress upon them not to answer the door for anyone. If he calls, they should hang up on them. The next several weeks will be a challenge for both you and the kids. I know you will do the right thing Judi.

happy(alwaystryingtodotherightthing)shrink

Dear Happy,

I am fit to be tied. Bubba sold my prize winning dawg to "Jubel's Quik Oil and Lube." He intends to use Maalox as the Mascot for his shop. Now I don't really mind that Bubba got rid of Maalox. He sometimes kept us up all night barking and the walkway around our trailer was smelling pretty bad. Me and the girls would try and avoid stepping in the piles before we came in the trailer but you know how Bubba and the boys are. The would walk through a three foot high elephant turd and not even know it. My big gripe is that Bubba traded Maalox for a case of 10W 40 motor oil. Now can you tell me what we are going to do with so much oil?

Edna

Dear Edna,

Look at the bright side; Bubba and the boys have a lifetime supply of hair grooming "gel."

happy(alittledab'lldoya)shrink

What advice would you give someone who has a problem and takes medication but does not consider themselves "mentally ill" but other people want them to be in that "role." What would you tell someone who has a very good reason for some of the thoughts that they have and may some times get depressed, but would never hurt anyone? Would you tell them to just play the part of the "sickie" and let everyone else control their lives to the point that all they can think to do is kill themselves? Especially their parents who they do not live with any more because the parents may be too controlling and mean to them. Do you think that a person like this should just keep taking the medicine that they are given no matter what and not ask too many questions or "rock the boat?" How does that teach someone to be a free thinker and to have their own opinions if everything has to always be "appropriate" and "in bounds" and "justified". Plus, when they say that they are unhappy and fed up with the way that they are being treated, then everyone just views it as another sign of "mental illness" and not just plain outrage at not being treated like an adult but instead like a two year old. Does this person have a leg to stand on for their rights?

Yes, someone who suffers from mental illness does have rights, does have a say in their treatment and needs to be a partner with their health care professionals; not an adversary. In the situation you described, the person who suffers from depression and feels overwhelmed at times due to some of their life experiences still has rational thoughts and is not a "sickie." If this person feels that their psychiatrist and other mental health professionals are just treating them like a "sickie," it may be time to find a new psychiatrist. Unfortunately, it's too late for this person to get new parents.

One last thought Its Not Me. The mental health profession has many flaws and there are a lot of mental health professionals that probably should be in another profession. There are also a lot of good and caring people. If this person you are talking about has been through many mental health professionals and has not found any that treats him/her the way he/she wants to be treated, then perhaps the problem has to do with expectations and not people who are trying to help.

Please let this person know that they can write to me directly if they wish Its Not Me.

I was going down to Kissimmee for some cowboy boots for Harley and I took the scenic root that be down the Trail. The ride to real cow country for boots give me time to ponder and reflect. I piss and moan bout having to drive so far for boots. I piss an' moan bout how they cost so much. I piss an' moan bout The Earl not making more than I can spend. I piss and moan bout the truck and the rough roads and on and on. But on the way, passing through the South trail, I seed a hooker, big as a boxcar, in 4 inch spike heels, short skirt and a yellow subway tee shirt a couple sizes too small. Bet she ain't had a trick all day and her feet hurt.

I don't know if you are crazy but I do think you need some help. The symptoms you have described could be a number of conditions and I would strongly suggest you make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Your family physician may be able to give you a referral. If you do suffer from a form of mental illness, there are medications that can make you feel more comfortable in social situations as well as reduce your obsessive thoughts.

The fact that you realize that something is wrong is a good sign and indicates to me that whatever your condition is can be treated successfully. Don't suffer any longer than you have to AC. Get the help you need now so you can enjoy your life and the people in your life can enjoy you. Please let me know what happens.

TOP 40 Ways Men Fail In Bed

1) NOT KISSING FIRST . Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR . Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY . A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!

18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVISE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't !

35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a f***ing slob,... and you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.

Sincerely, JeWitch .. and ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD !!!

I have read your 40 ways men fail in bed very carefully and now I understand why some of us guys might prefer "Mr. Hand."

No, there's nothing funny about this situation. I have two major thoughts that I want to convey to you. First, your daughter showed great courage in telling you about what happened. The majority of children her age that are victims of molestation will often keep it a secret due to shame or fear that somehow they will be blamed for the incident or not believed. I know that your daughter has been a handful at times and perhaps this explains some of her most recent behaviors. This is an opportunity for you to let her know how brave she is and that you can give her praise and unconditional support during this time. I am glad your Ex has shown kindness and understanding and I hope it continues. I understand your suspiciousness and it's probably good to be cautious, but I hope your are wrong in this case.

My second thought is about the courage and understanding you have shown to confront this issue. Part of the reason why so few children will report molestation that many parents can't handle it themselves and their reaction is either disbelieving or minimizing the situation. That's what it sounds like your parents have done and I feel sorry for them. I am really proud of you Judi. I understand why you are depressed and perhaps you feel somewhat guilty for bringing the sociopath into your house in the first place. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Nobody could have imagined that someone could be that depraved. The sociopath is very clever and has duped many people besides you. The important thing Judi is that you are standing by your daughter and making sure that she gets the help she needs to get over this. You are also assisting the police in sending this guy to where he belongs. In a cage where he can't hurt anyone else.

One last thought Judi. (I know I said two thoughts but here's a third one anyway). Get the help you need to get over this crisis. Given the circumstances, your managed care plan may approve several additional crisis sessions with your therapist. Make sure you see him one way or the other. Please also feel free to write me if that helps. My thoughts are with you Judi.

The boys all went hunting last week of January. They is good shots, don't ya know? They each bagged 2. The whole park got meat for the winter. Now this is all good, but the boys all give The Earl the heads to taxidermy. While I was to the Piggly Wiggly for vittles, the stuffed heads come. The Earl hung 'em on both walls of the living room. Now I can't make it to the frig cuz it be on the other side of the living room.

Perhaps the Earl could hang one of the heads on the front of your pickup; sort of like a hood ornament. Just make sure that it's the smaller head so that you can see out the front of your car windshield. What kind of animal did you say it was anyway?..... Never mind. I don't think I want to know.

Your reaction to people who have a significant other with BPD is not all that different than some people's reactions to significant others of alcoholics, substance abusers, compulsive gamblers, overeater's, people with depression, obsessive compulsives, etc. It would be great if all it took were a few good shakes and they would come to their senses. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. There are often children involved or other considerations that make "tough love" a tougher journey. Even if you finally had enough with your daughter's behavior and wanted to cut off all ties, there is your granddaughter to think about. It's no wonder that significant others of people with BPD often feel trapped and guilty.

All forms of addiction and mental illness are burdens that end up affecting the entire family as well as close friends. Tough love can be an effective tool but only when one balances it with compassion. Anger and bitterness alone is not tough love and it does just as much damage as being an "enabler." I don't have any easy answer for you cnot. Obviously that forum is not what you need although it may be helpful to others. People don't change overnight and they may need some time to express themselves in a support group before they can change. You have gone through a lot yourself and what you have come to realize has been a process that also involved making mistakes. Try not to be too hard on people who are really trying to do the right thing even if they don't know what the right thing is.

JeWitch may have told you that my dawg took second place at the dawg show but just like the ice skating at the Olympics, the whole thing was fixed! One of the WalMart cashier's best friend's cousin heard that the judges were paid off in beer and cigarettes to vote for that disgusting slutty little cheerleader dawg, while my beautiful dawg, Maalox (Bubba named her after this really good tasting lemon creme salad dressing that you can buy in the WalMart drug store) has to settle for the silver. It ain't fair I tell ya. Just look at these disgusting pictures of those awful judges below:

2- I always thought that the "ranch" dressing you served last Thanksgiving tasted a bit funny.

I was wondering if you could enlighten me on the subject of being a victim. My husband and I have been married for 13 years now, we have 3 children, and our marriage has had it's rough times. We were separated for about a year and a half. It was very difficult, and things happened that shouldn't have, but it's water under the bridge, so to speak. We got back together about 7 months ago, and we recently went to counseling with our pastor. My husband has told me many times that I act like a victim, and that is what causes him to act mean to me. I hate to say it that way, because I feel like he is being both verbally and mentally abusive, but he says that he is not abusive, he's just under a lot of stress, both at work, and because of me at home.

Well, when we went to talk to our pastor he said that I have to stop acting like a victim!! I asked him how am I doing this, and he said he couldn't tell me specifically, and that he didn't have any magic pill to clear it up, just that if I wanted things to improve in my marriage, that I needed to get counseling, and once I get past all of my baggage, then we can start to seriously work on things with the marriage. I just want to know how does someone act like a victim, and if that is my problem, how do I stop doing it???

I don't know if you act like a victim but you husband sounds an awful lot like a perpetrator. Perpetrators love to blame others for their behavior. If everything is your fault in this relationship, why did he return? Your husband isn't the only person in the world who suffers from stress at work and at home. That doesn't give him the right to abuse you. I do think you may need counseling but you need it more for the purpose of developing your own self esteem and self reliance and not to be a better wife.

I have some misgivings about your pastor providing marriage counseling. First off, in cases of abuse, marriage counseling is not necessarily the best strategy. If one partner is abusive, it only serves to sanction the abusive behavior and that is what I fear may have gone on in the session with your pastor. Unless he has a degree in counseling (not pastoral counseling), psychology or social work, he may not have the skills involved to help. Good intentions aren't enough Sorry2Bso Serious.

I urge you to get the help you need to be a self reliant individual. If your husband is willing to be an equal and not dominant partner, perhaps your relationship stands a chance. If not, get the hell out of the relationship and let him blame someone else for all the stress in his life. That's how you stop acting like a victim. Good luck and please feel free to write me back.

This condition is very close to my heart because I too suffer from AAADD and I just want to tell you.... oops, I forgot to flush my toilet, be back in a sec....

It takes two people to make a baby and both must share in that responsibility. While your daughter's husband may have been right about it being too early in their marriage to have a baby, that doesn't change the fact that a baby is on the way and everyone must make the best of the situation. The next time your daughter calls you, I would strongly suggest to her that she and her husband seek marriage counseling. This is a very critical time in their lives and it will shape the future of their relationship. Clearly they need help and you can't be the one to give that to them. You can suggest that they seek professional help and that's what I would urge you to do.

I got this beautiful tender Valentines card from The Earl. He came home sober and had it in his back pocket. He brung a 12 pack and a fifth of gin. He give me and Harley big hugs and asked me to cook his favorite fried chicken. The card had lace around a big red heart. And in the inside it said, "Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. ."

That Earl always did brag about you to his buddies at the Dew Drop Inn. He would always talk about how you give the best hea...er....fried chicken! What a LUCKY guy Gind.

Postings from February 16-28, 2002