Letters February 1 -15, 2002

Can you list symptoms of severe ADHD in adults?

Dear AS,

Among the symptoms of ADHD in adults are, short attention span, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, disorganization, impulsivity and mood swings. Such symptoms also describe forms of bipolar disorder, certain personality disorders, some forms of anxiety disorders, several mood disorders and some forms of depression. Please understand that you can't diagnose ADHD just on the basis of symptoms.

If you suspect that someone may have ADHD, he should be evaluated by a psychiatrist and perhaps have testing conducted by a psychologist. If the person does have ADHD or another type of disorder, a treatment plan can then be designed to reduce his/her symptoms and enable them to live a more normal and fruitful life. If you want more detailed information about ADHD in adults I recommend the you visit a good web site on the subject. To access it click here.

happy(nowwherewasI????)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I too was in NY for the dog show .. The Howard Stern Show Dog won first place a few years ago (right) but looks like it is OVER for him ... People seemed to go for this Cheerleader. (below-left). Is it possible you and I were not at the same show??

JeWitch (The Edna dog took second place. (below-center)

I walked out on my therapist today. On Wednesday I had an appointment with him at 2pm, he never showed up. Around 7pm that evening he called to tell me that he had been in court and had no way to call. Ok, so we scheduled to meet on Thursday at 4:30, he was 15 minutes late. These are not the only times that i have been left waiting for him, 15, 20 30 minutes. Each time he apologizes and recognizes that he not being where he says he will be is a big issue with me. I feel as if something I have done has made him not want to see me, or something terrible has happened to him because I tried to show trust. Back to Thursday, after he finally showed up we started to talk. I was already upset about him being late, and also with a family matter. I sit in the chair and turn my back to him as usual and I tell him that i had been thinking about a theory. He wants me to tell him what it is, I don't want to. He gives me the song and dance about trusting him, so I give in and tell him. What does he do? He then begins to give examples of why my thought, or theory could not possibly be valid. Well, I lost it, I started to cry. I tried not to let him know I was crying, but when he asked me a question I couldn't speak. He asked why I was crying, and all I could do was grab my stuff and leave.

I felt at the time, and still feel as if he didn't listen, wouldn't let me explain. I don't care whether my theory is true or not, it was just my thought, what did it matter.
But to have him tear it down that way, it hurt. Here again is someone who says you can say anything in this office, BUT what they don't say is, "You will be crushed if you do." Trust is a highly over used word, and so far, except for you Happy, I find very few people who know what it means.

I feel bad about walking out, I hope he will not hate me and not let me go back and see him. Was I wrong or bad?

Methos

You were not wrong or bad. While there are unavoidable delays, a therapist being late or canceling an appointment should be an infrequent occurrence. Having a pattern of being habitually late is unprofessional and irresponsible. My only question is, why would you want to go back? A pattern is being set up in therapy where he constantly disappoints you. It's almost as if he's setting up yet another relationship in your life that is frustrating and unfulfilling. That should not happen in therapy and I would consider finding another therapist. He at least needs to explain to you why he seems to be always late for appointments with a patient who has trust and acceptance issues. It seems to me that counter transference is rearing it's ugly head and he needs to look at his own behavior if he is going to be able to help you.

Again Methos, you may feel bad about walking out (Those are your feelings and no one should ever take them away from you.) but as far as I'm concerned, you were totally justified.

I thought I had it made getting hired at Enron. My mom Edna was so proud of me even if though my job was cleaning the executive lavatories. Boy what a shock when we were all told to leave with all of our worldly possessions. It was a sad day for all of us but luckily I did take this picture as a memento.

Don't give up. I hear there is a "valet de lavatore" position opening up at TYCO. Good luck.

Reactions to forgetting to take a medication like Effexor will vary from person to person just as the side effects that may also occur. Usually over time, blood levels tend to stabilize and side effects as well as withdrawal reactions when you miss a dose may diminish. This will vary from person to person but your reaction to missing a dose is not at all uncommon. The use of "Medi-sets" or weekly pill dispensers can help to minimize missing doses. They are inexpensive and may be purchased at any pharmacy. You might want to try that as a way of remembering each dose you are supposed to take.

I heard you were going to that high fellutin Dog Show up there in New York City. I know they have all them fancy dogs with funny hairdos. Some of them don't look like dogs at all and if I were to accidentally run over one of them they might end up on our dinner plate. How can I prevent that from happening?

You can minimize that possibility if you take public transportation and stop eating at Denny's.

DAY 2 of Westminster: Hounds, Herding, Sporting and Best in Show...No Group tonight but you can tawk amongst yourselves.

I wrote to you last July about my living situation with my cousin and her husband. Every thing eventually worked out. My daughter and I are in our own place and are very happy and stable. My cousin and her husband are still having employment/ financial problems but they're working through it. Now that I'm on the outside of the situation, I can be supportive of them without feeling queasy like I did when we all lived together.

I still read your column daily. Your quote of the day about allowing others to make you feel inferior and giving others permission to bash us is so on point. I had that experience last night with a male companion that I've been seeing for the past year and a half. However, I'm not sure if I'm totally right and this is where I need advice.

He recently fell on hard times and when we were out he automatically assumed that I was going to pay for all the drinks and food. I didn't have a problem with that but I didn't like that he didn't wait for me to offer. And then he said that I was cheap because I bought him something to drink but didn't get anything for myself. From that point on I was in bad mood. He asked me to buy something to eat and I said no. When we got back to his place, he started fixing us something to eat and said again that I was cheap because I didn't buy us any food. I told him that I didn't like him taking me for granted and assuming that I was going to pay for everything. I would have happily bought him drinks and/or something to eat if he didn't act like he expected me to do it. Then he went on to say how his old friends used to buy him extravagant gifts and that my gifts "don't even compare" to what he's used to. He actually said this - twice. I felt like he was bashing me about my shortcomings (cheapness, bad gifts) and then try to make it seem like he accepts me in spite of myself.

So this morning I read your posting about others making you feel inferior and automatically thought of him. I know that's what he's trying to do. But now I'm wondering if I'm cheap. Do I sound cheap? Or did he get to me?

First let me credit Eleanor Roosevelt with the quote. I just reprinted it and added a few of my own comments. It's a quote of the day that I used before because it says so much to so many. I'm glad it has meaning to you.

Your situation with this boyfriend is somewhat related to the situation that existed with your cousin and her husband. They were having financial difficulties and you resented the fact that you were burdened with an unfair amount of expenses. In the case of your boyfriend, his hard times puts additional burdens on you too. If you had loads of money, I might think of you as being cheap, but as I remember, you are a single parent who's working hard to make ends meet yourself.

Money is an issue in many relationships especially when one person has more than the other. It can become an issue of power and control and if the woman is the one who has more money and thus more power, some men have a harder time with it. While I don't think you were being cheap, your being upset set in motion his being upset as well. His reasoning about how old friends have spent lots more money on him than you was pretty ridiculous and points out his own sense of inadequacy.

So here's my suggestion DHS. I would sit down and talk to your boyfriend about planning some activities together that cost less money than some of the things you did when his finances were better. You can always cook a nice meal for a fraction of the cost of eating out. You can go to early movie matinees or museums that have lowered admission fees during certain times of the day. There are always things to do that can cost little or no money and if your relationship is good, the quality of time you spend together shouldn't be measured in the money you spend. If your boyfriend has a problem with scaling down the lifestyle he's accustom to, perhaps it's time to get another boyfriend DHS. A loving relationship should make you feel better about yourself; not inferior. This may just be an isolated incident and perhaps the quality of your relationship is a nurturing one. Please feel free to write me back with more information or some of your thoughts about this response.

Edna decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She got on my computer and visited every website she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Edna grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Edna wasn't quite sure what to do, this wasn't covered on any of the web pages. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Edna was petrified, she looked up towards the sky and asked "Is that you God?" The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"

But in the words of Paul Harvey, "...but that's not the end of the story..." Edna said, Well if you ain't God, then how the hell do you know that their aren't any fish under the ice? She then preceded to drill a two foot hole in the ice and got herself arrested for vandalism. For a change Bubba had to bail her out of jail. Will wonders ever cease?

I'm taking a day off and going to the Westminster Dog Show. I will post tomorrow even though I'll be at the Dog Show again. I guess you might say, I'll be working like a dog.

What do you know about the drug Xenadrine? It comes over the counter at GNC. Do you think it is a good idea to use it regularly? What about only once in awhile?

Some people tell me it is just a natural vitamin. My friends take it for parties and working out. When I took it once before, my blood pressure went really high and I was dizzy. Now, I am used to it. The same thing happened when I first drank coffee, so I will not say this drug is bad for sure. I am just wondering what you know about it, or if you know of any research done on it to prove to me whether or not it is safe. Thanks.

Xenadrine has not been classified as a drug and has therefore not been tested by the FDA. I have not seen any clinical studies on it. Most of the stuff on the Internet are advertisements that it is a "fat burner" and helps people lose weight fast. Occasionally you will find some anecdotal testimonies about it's effectiveness and ease of use, but that is far from a clinical study. I myself tend to be skeptical of such "vitamins" as you call them. I certainly can't vouch for their safety or their effectiveness, but my suggestion is that you see a nutritionist that can give you good advice about proper nutrition and healthy living. I can't say I practice this myself, but good nutrition and exercise is the key to maintaining a healthy weight.

Now the big question.... What's up with the nick "crackaddict?." With a nick like that should you really be worried about the safety of Xenadrine? In fact if you really want to lose weight, crack is probably a very effective approach. Thousands of people are rotting in their graves and losing weight like crazy. My advice to everyone is DON'T TAKE CRACK!!

You know that Jeeves has a point. There are automatic electric eye auto flushers that you can install in your house an not have to worried about kids forgetting to flush. I personally prefer the aversion therapy approach to getting kids to flush. I try not to go to the bathroom for several day's until my lower digestive track reaches earthquake conditions. Then I go to the bathroom and have what might be considered a religious experience for some people. Of course once I'm finished, I DON'T FLUSH. Let's see how Laverne and Shirley react to that! Give them a dose (or a pile) of their own medicine. They'll be flushing even when the bowl is empty. Perhaps the grass should be greener over the septic tank!

Dear Happyshrink,

I was wondering if you knew, or know where to find the information, the impact that atrophy in dementia has on somebody diagnosed with Mental Illness, specifically Schizophrenia. Is it possible that anti-psychotic medication would no longer be useful in treating the MI? Thanks.

Dear TS,

The effectiveness of anti-psychotic medication on people who are mentally ill and then begin to suffer from dementia will vary. Anti-psychotic medications are sometimes used to treat dementia in individuals without mental illness. Dementia is an organic condition and the parts of the brain that are affected are different from person to person. Doctors may try a number of medications to see what is most effective. If I had to guess, anti-psychotic meds would still be helpful in treating a mentally ill person who now has dementia, however other symptoms may arise from the dementia that are independent of the mental illness. It is very hard in these instances to determine what symptoms are being cause by the dementia versus the mental illness. Doctors will look at the person's psychiatric history as well as their medical condition to try and assess the symptoms and decide on the treatment.

I tried to find some related articles on the web that deal with dementia and individuals who suffer from mental illness but I couldn't find any. If you are asking in regard to a friend or family member, perhaps you can speak to this individual's neurologist and/or psychiatrist. That's the best advice I can offer. Your question is an interesting one and if you find out any more on the topic, please write me back and let me know.

happy(alwayslookingtolearnmore)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f***ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big EFF YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. EFF them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. Most of us have already seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. Besides, I don't EFFING care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you sexless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I am convinced that as long as I stay as far away from the Circle K or No Name Trailer Parks, I don't have to worry about anything carnivorous consuming my genitals.

happy(haslost20bestfriendsbecausetheysentmef***ingchainletters)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

For the past 2-3 months my husband has become more & more increasingly difficult to deal with. He enters into these extremely irrational & agitated phases where he proceeds to hurt me emotionally (but never physically), this occurs like a pattern approximately every 2 weeks- where each time it seems to be getting worse & worse. I don't know what could be causing this to occur. Something said or done will set him off into an all night tirade, he will then proceed to work himself up into a highly agitated & uncontrollable state where he will say very cruel things about me & my family. He becomes very demanding & emotionally hurtful. It is a relentless stream of very painful & cruel words, the worst part is that this is done on purpose to hurt my feelings. I don't know what I have done to set him off, I feel that I need to walk on eggshells around him especially every 2 weeks. When he is in this state he becomes unpredictable & I am sometimes even a bit fearful. I even throw a splash of cold water on him to snap him out if this state. Nothing seems to help.

But he will then always realize the next day that these things were said in pure anger & he did not mean to say them. He then promises me that this will not occur again although he can never explain why they occur in the first place. But sure enough, the cycle repeats itself. I am not sure what to do anymore. PLEASE HELP. Your advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

sg

If you have been married for more than three years and this behavior is something that has never happened before these past 2-3 months, it would appear to be related to some kind of stressful situation that has occurred or the emergence of a physical or mental illness. I would ask you or your husband if there is a difficult situation that he or the both of you are going through. Problems on the job, problems with other family members, financial worries and other stressors can contribute to this kind of behavior. I would also suggest that your husband get a full physical examination to rule out a medical problem. There are many medical conditions that can bring about behavioral changes and this possibility needs to be considered. Lastly, if his physical exam comes out normal, then I would have your husband evaluated by a psychiatrist. You husband could be suffering from a psychiatric condition that makes him anxious, depressed, irritable, irrational, and/or hostile.

There is another possibility sg and I must share this with you. You husband may just be an abuser. Mental abuse can be just and damaging as physical abuse and often has the same purpose of power and control. If this behavior has happened in the past but just not as often, then this cycle may one of abuse. Most commonly abusers are remorseful after perpetrating the abuse, will do things like buy gifts, cook dinner and act extra special nice. Then as time goes by, the abuser stops being nice and tension starts to build. Eventually that tension explodes into another incident of abuse and the cycle repeats itself.

When people are first married, the abuser's behavior may be dormant. It may crop up on rare occasions at first before it might emerge as a pattern. I don't know if this applies to you sg, but if it does you may need some help to decide how to deal with this situation as well as how to protect yourself. Please, write me back and let give me more detail about your situation. Perhaps you can let me know how long you have been married and if this sort of thing has ever cropped up before the past several months. If there is a stressful situation going on with your husband or the both of you, perhaps you can share that with me. Another thing you might tell me is if there is any history of alcohol or substance abuse.

One last thought sg. No matter what the cause of your husband's behavior, you shouldn't tolerate abuse and if he refuses to do something about it (like getting help), then you need to consider options for taking action as well as protecting yourself. It's not up to you to change; it's up to him. Remember that it doesn't matter if you walk on eggshells, or try to be obedient or show compassion. Abusers will always find a reason to be abusive. Don't let the cycle continue.

I am pretty sure that I have sent this to you to share with your readers several years ago. And I am also sure that you have many new readers that maybe aren't aware of these Warnings. After seeing all the drunks on Super Bowl Sunday, I think that the old readers need a refresher course. Please post it again, as I added a new NUMBER WARNING one to the end of this list.

These are some Warnings regarding alcohol that the Surgeon General failed to mention: (I'm sure you can relate!)

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ass hole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are. (not to mention the lighting did wonders for their looks)

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol in females may cause extreme bloating in a 9 month period. (oops)

I wish you would have sent me these reminders before the Super Bowl. It would have saved a lot of my friends from a really BAD Monday. Maybe for next year you might want to caution against the consumption of too much chili. That would help me out quite a bit as well as my family. Fortunately they are all doing fine after being treated for burning eyes and breathing difficulties at the local ER. Not one of them had to be admitted as in previous years. Maybe I have learned to control myself after all. CONGRATULATIONS PATRIOTS!

I have been on Effexor (150) for 9 years for panic attacks and depression. My doctor recently changed me to Paxil (20mg) since the Effexor didn't seem to be working any more. My question is - Is the amount of medicine in the 20mg Paxil more or less than what is in the 150mg Effexor?

Occasionally I would take the Effexor a few hours late and I would get an "electrical shock" feeling in my neck and across my head. I am now getting that same feeling, to a lesser degree, with the Paxil and that is why I am wondering about the medicine amount. I am tired of getting "zapped". Please help.

The range of adult dosages for Paxil and Effexor are different. They are both used to treat depression and panic attacks and they do work in similar ways. Most commonly, the adult dosage for Effexor will range from 100-300mg. For Paxil, the range is usually 30-60mg. When changing medications, it is common for a psychiatrist to start a new medication with a lower dosage for several reasons. There is time needed to adjust to a new medication and there can be different side effects to watch out for. In some cases, a lower dosage of a new medication may work as well as a higher proportional dosage of another medication. My guess is that you doctor will keep you on 20mg of Paxil for awhile to see if it has the desired results. If it doesn't, your doctor may increase the dosage or perhaps even consider another medication.

The best thing you can do is report all of your symptoms to you doctor. Give your body some time to adapt to the Paxil. If you still have those feelings of getting zapped, it may be time to try something else. Let me know how things work out.

JeWitch got me a job. I am moving to Israel .. gonna grow turnips for the Jews. I'll send you a postcard.

I feel like I am obligated to go to a family members wedding shower and wedding. I want to go , but then again I don't. When I get with this part of the family they always want to talk about my grandmother and how much they miss her, not my mother, but just my grand mother. I have a problem with this. I don't feel as if I need to talk about anything I deal with in therapy regarding growing up with either my mother or my grand mother, but sometimes it is hard to bite my tongue.

I believe that the memories that my cousins have about my parents should remain as they see them, but sitting there listening to it makes it difficult to go around my side of the family. It's no ones fault that things were different than what they thought, I guess I should just stop being a baby and quit whining. I will go to this gathering, although I have felt the anxiety building the last few weeks. The event is Thursday, thank God I will see Dr. Price Wednesday and Thursday before I go. I want to curl up under his desk and hide. They don't care about me anyway.

Methos

While I don't expect you to go into detail about the things your grandmother said and did to you, it is not unreasonable to let your cousins know that you have had a very different experience from them having lived with your grandmother. It doesn't take away their memories of her, but it puts them in proper perspective. If they are really bothered by what you have told them, perhaps they will stop talking to you about her.

I have similar experiences talking about my father. Friends and relatives remember a very funny man who always made them laugh at family gatherings. My father was a very funny man in social situations, but he also suffered from depression, OCD and was a hypochondriac. He hid it well for many years but when he could no longer hide it, he became reclusive. Relatives remember the funny man and don't think about why they hadn't had any contact with him during the last 15 or 20 years of his life. I don't go into specific details about his illness but I don't hide the fact that they saw only a small aspect of his being. To my surprise, many of them had their own experiences with my father's pathology. In a strange way, we were able to laugh about it. For me, I feel like I no longer have to hide the family secrets and I can enjoy seeing relatives at weddings. It's amazing what just a little bit of honesty can do.

While I understand that you don't want to discuss therapy issues at a wedding, sometimes sharing stuff about your grandmother can be very liberating. You might also find that some of your relatives might have known the darker side of your grandmother but like you have been reluctant to upset the applecart. Let me know how things turn out Methos. Good luck.

In the wonderful world of managed care, you are getting better. In the real world... you are getting better too! One good example is that you have done things that others have done to make up for the inadequate care that medical insurance will pay for. You have joined a support group. Yes, the ask happyshrink group on Tuesdays is a support group and you have used that group and this web page to deal with some of your frustrations as well as get support from others. It may not always appear to be a support group and sometimes we get really stupid and silly in the group. Actually, that's good use of our time. If you can't get stupid and silly at work, and you can't get stupid and silly in front of your kids, and if Mr. Peabody raises an eyebrow every time you become sarcastic, maybe the group has a lot more benefits than you might think. By the way, HMO's won't reimburse for my services on line even after I offered them a terrific discount. So it's still free and worth every penny! Hope to see you their tonight.

Tell JeWitch it is time to start smoking again. I saw her on the highway today with a new bumper sticker added to the back of her bus. It said, "Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window."

Fortunately for you and your neighbors, most of you have seen an Uzi fired from a car window so you don't have to honk. Just quietly slow down to the side of the road and let JeWitch pass.

I suspect you're right about my daughter probably having BPD. The first time she was admitted to the hospital at 15 the doctor diagnosed Bipolar as well as a Personality Disorder (NOS). From what I understood at the time, doctors, at least some, are reluctant to diagnose a PD before the age of 18. I know she really fits the description of having Borderline Personality Disorder, I've just been trying to tell myself it's not that. One of my husband's sisters fits the description and gradually 'outgrew' it in her early 30's, although she's still a little odd. Another sister is in her early 50's and exhibits a lot of traits of a personality disorder, probably more than one. A brother is in his early 50's and probably suffers from BPD, although I usually call it 'Bastard Personality Disorder' in him. He is not allowed in our house. Another brother has gender identity issues, which I've read is more common among people with PD's. Out of 6 children in the next generation (including my daughter) of my husbands family, 3 exhibit strong characteristics of BPD, 1 has mild symptoms, 2 are fairly normal (my son and a nephew). Of the 18 children on my side, only my daughter exhibits this. Knowing this it makes me concerned for my grandson (son's son) and granddaughter.

As long as you don't engage in the losing battle of who's right and who's wrong with your daughter, you will be able to deal with her effectively. You have been able to negotiate reasonable arrangements for babysitting and visitation. Another suggestion cnot is "choose your battles." If everything your daughter does becomes something you disapprove of, she will never listen to you. If you can carefully pick your concerns and worries, particularly around your granddaughter, she is more likely to be receptive.

I know this isn't easy Cnot, even for you. Please feel free to write me when you need to let off some steam or just want some support. You have a lot of burdens on your shoulders and most of the time you handle them exceptionally well. Don't be afraid to ask for help when things are not going so well.

I followed your instructions and slowly but surely worked my way up to those 50 pound bags of potato sacks. Unfortunately, when it came time to put potatoes in the sacks, I decided to make French fries instead.

My grand daughter is twelve and lives with her dad and step mom. She stayed with me last year and went to school because she and her step mom had a lot of trouble getting along and she hurt her baby sister by pinching and stuff like that. Her dad had fought for custody and lost to a mother who is now in institution for her mental illness and drug/alcohol abuse. He had to take kids and step mom didn't want them. They have fought and struggled and are still together 3 years later. Krissy did well while she was here with me but she wanted to be together as a family again but now Krissy is showing signs of mental illness. She has had bad thoughts about stabbing her dad, like when she was empting the dishwasher she had a knife and thought about what it would be like to stab him and she thinks about masturbating other people all the time! I was out there for Christmas for a month and she is under a lot of stress all the time. She does good in school, smart as whip, but was caught cheating. She tells her dad and me all her thoughts, bad and good. He is taking her for help but has not done so yet. What are these bad thoughts all about and why is she always thinking about masturbating other people? thank you.

Dear J,

Given all your granddaughter has been through with a disturbed mother, her parents getting divorced, her mother being institutionalized, her father remarrying a woman who initially rejects her, her being moved from mom to dad to you and back to dad again, it's not hard to understand why Krissy is so troubled. It is very good that your son is going to take her for help and he should do that as soon as possible. That should be a number one priority.

The behaviors and symptoms you have told me about Krissy may be interpreted in many ways. Here are some of my thoughts:

Krissy is both very needy for affection and angry at those she wants it from. When she came to live with her father, she was in competition with both her sister and her step mom for her father's affection. She lost that competition and was sent to you to live for a year. While she may be angry at her father for sending her away as well as other people who she may feel have rejected her, she is most angry at herself. She wants so much to please everyone and yet all she has succeeded in doing is upset people. Perhaps that's why she cheated in school; so she could get even better grades but of course that backfired.

The thoughts about masturbating other people again may be her attempts to please others. It is not unusual for a 12 year old girl to begin having sexual fantasies. Given Krissy's history, those fantasies may be symbolic of the struggle she has gone through for acceptance. She has been expected to please her mother, her father, her step mother, her siblings, her teachers and you. Masturbating other people is an act of pleasuring other's rather than seeking one's own pleasure. Perhaps that's how she sees her life; always trying to please others but not herself.

Again I want to urge you to make sure your son gets Krissy the help she needs immediately. The longer he waits, the more problems Krissy may develop and the harder it will be for Krissy to recover from her adversities. Good luck and let me know how Krissy is doing.

happy(thereisstillhopeforKrissy)shrink

I'm feeling like, hard as we try, everbody's finding fault with us here at the Circle K. First the boys gets asked to leave the Par 3 and now Aunt Bertha from lot 44D gets asked to leave the Magic Kingdom. And after paying good money to tattoo Goofy on her chest.

If Aunt Bertha lost about 50 lbs and had tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee tattooed to her chest.........she still would have been kicked out of the Magic Kindom. Uncle Walt doesn't want visitor's that taste good. He wants visitor's with good taste!

I know it has been a long time since last I wrote to you, but I wanted to update you on all that has happen in my life, and to ask for your advice.

Do you remember Jen, with the "house" dreams, the no love life and the job she hated? Well, I still shall use the pen name but all the other things have changed. I now have a wonderful boyfriend (he's Jewish, and oh, what mother never told me...), I am unemployed going on 6 months and I still have dreams though generally not about houses.

My boyfriend has been very compassionate about my not having a job, but I admit to being nervous about not being able to get one, since he is so highly motivated and works smarter and harder than anyone I have ever met. The reason I am writing to you Happy, may seem odd, but it is concerning a matter of faith. I do believe in a higher power and I do believe it was G-d's will for me to leave the job I was in. In fact, I have been calmer and happier these 6 months OUT of work than while I was inside the job. However, I feel despair and rage swelling up inside of me because I am afraid I am going to "lose" everything due to being unemployed. How, Happy, does one go about increasing in Faith and belief? I sometimes feel like I have two people living inside of me, a believer and a heathen pig. I am not sitting on my hands, waiting on a handout from heaven, but I grow impatient with this process and have the most OUTLANDISH outbursts you've never seen! So far, I have been able to keep the temper tantrums out of anyone's hearing or viewing range, but I would prefer to not have such anger! I also question myself as to why a person (me) who truly does believe in G-d is having such a wavering spirit. I feel like such a hypocrite. Any suggestions?

It's nice hearing from you after all this time. I'm very happy for you that you found someone "special." Faith is a very personal thing but here my opinion on the subject:

Unlike knowledge and wisdom, faith is cultivated from within. Knowledge and wisdom you gain outside of yourself. Though the trials and tribulations of life you learn and grow wise. Faith is the ability to understand that no matter what happens, you will have the strength and courage to see it through.

So how does that translate to your current situation? G-d won't give you a job Jen. G-d won't make you competent or confident. Faith will give you the courage to persevere during times that you don't feel so competent and confident. It will give you the determination to do what needs to be done. Having a wavering spirit at this point in your life is pretty normal. To be human is to have some doubts. If you didn't have any doubts, you would be eligible for sainthood. You have a long way to go before that time. Don't be hard on yourself. Keep cultivating your faith and keep believing. Good luck Jen. I do believe that things will work out for you.

That's not a bad idea, but that green stuff over your septic tank is cupric-oxide. A little bit of AJAX or COMET will make it white again.

I'll be jealous of you when those voices begin to tell you the power ball numbers or what stocks to invest in.

I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE...BUT YOU SEEM SO TRUTHFUL THAT I FEEL COMFORTABLE LEAVING MY NAME. READING ALL THE MAIL...QUESTIONS YOU HAVE RECEIVED. I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE OFFERED FOR ADVICE. YOU ARE CARING AND CONCERNED ENOUGH. A WISE PERSON WHO CAN FIGURE OUT SOMEONE ELSE MISTAKES. I WAS ALWAYS GOOD AT THAT. OF COURSE YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU ARE INVOLVED THAT CHANGES YOUR WHOLE POINT OF VIEW!
WHAT I NEED HELP ON... DO I HAVE HOPE ON CONTINUING WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP????

I WANT HIM TO STAND UP FOR HIS OBLIGATION! I BELIEVE THAT UNTIL THIS CHILD IS BORN HE IS TO BE THERE FOR HER. HE TELLS ME AFTER THE CHILD IS BORN THAT THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT. HE TELLS ME TO HANG ON. I REPLY WITH..."GIVE ME SOMETHING TO HANG TO HANG ON TO". HE SAYS THIS IS NOT WHAT HE WANTED AND HE IS TRAPPED. HE cannot DO WHAT HE WANTS TO. HE WANTS ME TO SEE THE RAINBOW AT THE END. I AM NOT SECOND IN HIS LIFE, BUT I, AM TO A SITUATION. HE WANTS TO TAKE ME ON VACATION, AND WEEKEND VENTURES. HE HAS ALREADY FLOWN ME TO THE VINEYARD AT 8:00 a.m. FOR BREAKFAST AND BACK FOR THE WORK DAY AT 1:00, PER MY REQUEST. YOU ASK FOR A SPECIFIC QUESTION.......WHAT WOULD YOU DO?????? HELP....

The first thing I might do is ask him what he expects will be different once the baby is born? I'm not clear on what how that will change things between him and you. Perhaps he can clarify that as well as what seems to be in the way of his making a full commitment to you. I don't agree with your boyfriend's contention that he's "trapped." Clearly this is a difficult situation and one that is stressful to him. He does have options and he needs to make a decision on what option will be best for him. No decision he makes will be without considerable anguish. Eventually though, decisions must be made. It is unfair to ask you to continue in a state of limbo.

The only other thing I would suggest to you is to set up with your boyfriend a time frame for his making a decision on your relationship. The length of time is up to you. It can be 3 months, 6 months or even a year. (More than that is probably a cop out.) Keep in mind that longer time frames may be necessary, but it will also make things more difficult if you have to end the relationship. If at the end of that time frame he is still unable to commit to you, it's probably time to move on. If that occurs, it will be very difficult and painful. It will be even more difficult and painful if the situation is allowed to continue like this indefinitely.

You are in a difficult situation L***. Please feel free to write again. Just one favor; please lose the CAPS. It is difficult for people to read and it makes JeWitch NUTS!

STUPID STUPID STUPID. Our president's niece, MY GOVERNOR'S daughter, is STUPID. Hear she got busted trying to fill a forged prescription for Xanax (not sure if that is spelled correctly, but Quaaludes has 2 A's) Guess I am going to have to give the girl a call. What you do is: You get the prescription from the doctor, and take one of his pads on the way out the door. Fill the original Quaalude (or whatever) prescription at the pharmacy closest to the doctors office. He knows the doctors signature and won't call. Then you take some of the ones you forge to the COOL pharmacists. Like Herbie .. Herbie said, "as long as you spell Quaalude correctly, I will fill it." After you hit all the COOL pharmacists, you start with some others. Watch them closely as they fill the script. Eventually one of them will call the doctor, that's cool, cause the doctor's office will say, "yes, I wrote JeWitch a prescription for Quaaludes today." This is when you STOP... You never try taking one to another drug store, because they might call and you will lose a good script doctor. OR SO I HEARD.

Well it is obvious that you went to more than just some run of the mill community college that Noelle Bush attended. I'm actually amazed that she actually attempted to fill a prescription at a drug store and not a hardware store. Maybe their is hope for the young Bushes after all.

Postings from February 1-15, 2002