Postings from December 1-15, 2001

Date: December 15, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

This is BF.  My son called me as well as my granddaughter.  Luckily I could tell in her voice she thought I had just been traveling with Popo so no bad things about me thank goodness. My son and granddaughter will be meeting with us during the holidays and he's asking his wife to step back till things cool down.  You're right, when we do move back to our original home, I think she will be to old to baby sit...a lesson learned!!!!

I am a University(gave it away to C/U) Texas Fan and alumni.

BF

Dear BF,

I'm glad your son made a good decision for himself, for you and for your granddaughter. The holidays do have a way of putting things in proper prospective. I'm glad that you will be able to spend time together. My only advice is to avoid any conversations about what went on between you and your daughter-in-law. Cooling down is just what is needed at this point.

Good luck to you and to the University of Texas in the Holiday Bowl. It may not be for a national championship but it should be fun to watch anyway. 

happy(willtryandwatchall25bowlgamesthisyear)shrink

 

Dear Edna,

I think it would be a fine gesture to see Bubba's momma while he's "away."  It can get a little dangerous without Bubba there to act as a buffer so why don't you ask your friend JeWitch to come with you? Maybe after meeting JeWitch, Bubba's momma will realize that her son could have chosen a worse girlfriend than you. Come to think of it, why not take Gind and Mildred along with you? After that evening of fun, she'll be praising the Lord that Bubba found you. Good luck and please write me the next day or I will have to think the worst.

happy(tryingtothinkthebest)shrink

 

Date: December 14, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

I have recently come to the conclusion that I need some sort of mental health care assistance. For several months now I have exhibited most of the symptoms of clinical depression, and now that I am no longer denying that fact the time has come to seek help. Unfortunately, I am a traveling consultant. Living out of hotel rooms and my car, I change cities every three days or so. Without a regular doctor to go to, it feels like there is nowhere to turn for help. What should I do?

More importantly, where should I go? I called a psychiatrist in Des Moines, IA, but the receptionist said he wouldn't be able to see me until January. That just made me feel even more hopeless... Please tell me there is some way to get help even though I am constantly traveling.

Thank you,

JM

Dear JM,

What would happen to you if you developed appendicitis, or had kidney stones, or even just a bad toothache? You would do something about it. Even if it meant taking some time off from work, you would do it. Somehow, mental illness doesn't seem to elicit the same sense of urgency. Despite the fact that it is making you miserable, probably affecting your work and has the potential to get even worse, you are looking for convenience and not treatment. 

This brings me to some other thoughts. Is your job and having to travel so much a part of the problem? How does it affect your family or social life? Is perhaps facing your depression, facing the fact that maybe the life you have chosen is not a very fulfilling one? If that's the case, the problem might not be finding a psychiatrist. The problem may be ambivalence about getting the help you need. If all you want are some anti-depressants, any physician can prescribe those. Getting at the root of your depression and dealing with the issues is much harder and takes a longer time.

I don't know where you call home JM but I am sure there are psychiatrists that can see you before January. You might want to get a referral from your family physician or get a listing from your insurance/HMO carrier. Don't sit on the fence. Get the help you need now. Please feel free to write me again.

happy(alwayswantedtobeatravelingWilbury)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

OK, so you gave these affirmations to Mildred and Edna. What about Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

OK, just for you, my last list of affirmations:

1. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... I'll find someone.

2. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

3. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

4. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

5. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

6. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

7. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

8. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Now go out in the world and be all you can be. By the way,........can I have my shoes back?

happy(myfeetarekillingme)shrink

 

Date: December 13, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

 

Dear Happy,

I been reading your web page and looking at all those affirmations you have been giving to Mildred. Don't worry about creating another JeWitch. Mildred is too much of a loser to attain JeWitch status. But I been thinking; do you have any affirmations for me?

Edna

Dear Edna,

As a matter of fact, I do have some affirmations for you:

1. It's just as easy to fall in love with a sober man as a drunk one. It's just not as much fun..

2. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

3. I will strive to live each day as if Bubba was getting out of jail tomorrow.

4. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

5. Sometimes the best stuff is at the bottom of the dumpster.

6. False hope is better than no hope at all.

7. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

8. A good scapegoat also tastes just like chicken

9. Just for today, I will not sit in the trailer all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer outside in the yard and use a 25 foot extension cord.

 

I hope these get you through the holidays Edna.

 

happy(stillsearchingthebottominthedumpsteroflife)shrink

 

Date: December 12, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

My mother is an extremely volatile & erratic woman.  She has extreme mood swings & is extremely difficult to deal with.  She is stubborn & inflexible.  She is prone to attacks of anxiety & panic, making phone calls at 2-3 am. She is in her early 60's & has been this way most of her life.  She is easily provoked to uncontrollable fits of screaming & yelling.  She has no control over her rage or emotions.  She is highly critical & judgmental of others.  She considers herself superior to anyone else & is unwilling to compromise in anyway.  Her way is ALWAYS the RIGHT way & the ONLY way.  She expects everyone to be at her beck & call.  She requires constant attention & flattery.  

My sister feels she is too old & it is too late to seek professional help.  Besides, my mother thinks she is fine & that no problem exists.  My father has also looked the other way & refuses to acknowledge that she has problems.  She insists that others are the ones who need psychiatric help.  She has even gone so far as to make psychiatric appointments for other people!!  She has caused many problems, not only for herself but for most other family members.  She has caused family arguments & rifts between members.  Everyone in my family, including my father, grandmother, aunts & uncles... all see a problem exists.  She is prone to meddling & interfering in the lives of others often making situations much worse.  PLEASE HELP!

Thank you.

AK

Dear AK,

I can't help but think how many people in the world have mothers (or in many cases fathers) just like yours. Your mother may be an extreme case, but I have come across a lot of people who describe one of their parents similarly to the way you describe your mother. In all of these cases, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If she is convinced that she is right and the rest of the world is wrong, there really isn't much anyone can do to change her. The fact that your father and perhaps other family members and relatives have "looked the other way" makes it even more unlikely that change will take place.

There is something you can do. You can find ways to minimize the impact that your mother has on your life. That may involve seeing her less, walking away from arguments, getting caller ID and not picking up the phone at 3am, etc. Just as she has the right to live her life, you have the right to live yours. It may not be the ideal situation AK, but the only person that you have the power to change is yourself. Don't let your mother change the person that you want to be. Please feel free to respond and update me on what is going on.

happy(takemyfather.....please)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Thank you for those affirmations that will help me be more like my role model, JeWitch. Got any more of them?

Mildred Thigpen

Dear Mildred,

As a matter of fact, yes I do:

1. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

2. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

3. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

4. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

5. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

6. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

7. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

8. I am at one with my duality.

Keep up the good work Mildred and God help the people of Florida.

happy(Itsbadenoughyougothurricanesdownthere)shrink

 

Date: December 11, 2001     

Hi Happy,

I have decided to write to you, and share a poem with you. I like your website, it provides me with a sense of joy and comfort. I don't do much during the day, I suffer from anorexia. Hence, it's where the poem came from. Anorexia is such a lonely and misunderstood illness. I am going to die from this, there is no hope for me. a doctor actually told me that. Most of my doctors tell me they have faith that I can pull through this, but I choose to believe that one bullheaded doctor who doesn't have faith in me. I'm only 20 years old, and it was this time last year that I almost died in the hospital from anorexia. not because of the low weight, so to speak, but because of the serious damage I have done to my heart. it's very serious. I am now on three heart medications a day. Yet, I still continue to starve and purge, because I see no other way out. I am completely hopeless, and I believe I will die from this. through hospital stays, I have gained and lost weight, I'm currently losing again, and this poem speaks about the turmoil of anorexia. thanks for taking the time to read this.

Here Comes the Nothing

i watch my skin grow to the size of a bear

seeing fat and weight that shouldn't be there

i watch it expand

as i painfully pinch my hand

hoping it's just a nightmare

but it's not

the rolls of fat are really there

i'm growing bigger by the minute

so fast, i think i'm drowning in it

what happened to my size zero

where did my control go

i need to starve back down to size

where my freedom lies

so i can feel good at something

and look like what i am

NOTHING!!!

thanks again Happy for taking the time to read this. Good day, and good luck in all you do!!!

Sincerely,

K****

Dear K****,

Some of your doctors may be optimistic and others may be pessimistic, but in the end only you can decide whether or not you live or die. Your poem shows someone who is thoughtful and yet very tortured by their self image. I hope you get the help you need but most of all I hope you choose to live. I am not trying to imply that your road back to health is an easy one that involves the simple act of making a choice, but it must start with your feeling that life is worth living wearing a size 2 or a size 20. It must continue with your realization that your self worth is more than your body image. I guess 20 year old women have been taught otherwise but there are still lessens to be learned and living to done. I hope their is still time for you. Please continue to write me K****,

happy(evenwithanoldandchubbybody)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

Please send some of them New York marriage counselors down here to Orlando. The ones we have aren't doing so well. Just look what happened to my sister Lurlene and her husband Dwayne:

Edna

Dear Edna,

If I sent some of the New York marriage counselors down to Orlando, they would probably be women and Dwayne would be the one who's 20 lbs lighter.

happy(tryingtolightenup)shrink

 

Date: December 10, 2001     

Dearest happy,

I just wrote you an email not two minutes ago but I'm writing you another one because something else happened this summer that I just remembered I wanted to address. ok. I'm sitting in my brothers room and we're just listening to music and talking. then M*** starts talking about summer vacation. He told me about the month or so when I was positive that there were evil spirits from a different dimension out to get me and they were going to take my soul when I was sleeping. ha. funny thing. I'd tried to block that from my memory. I realize now that it was totally irrational, but back then I was scared sh*tless of going to sleep.

I remember when it started was one night when it was just me and my sister at home and something was irking me so i pulled out a butcher knife and started chasing my little sister around. I being serious. I'm glad she locked herself in the bathroom because I think I might have killed her.  I don't know.... anyway, she was crying her eyes out because i was chasing her with a large knife and a hade a crazy twinkle in my eyes. Her fear gave me an adrenaline rush do when she locked herself in the bathroom, I just sat on the kitchen floor and went into laughing hysterics. Then suddenly I felt this denseness around me. Evil denseness. Then it all made sense. my weird dreams, my insomnia. I was utterly convinced that evil spirits were after my soul.

Well that whole episode is over, but looking back, I think "what the hell was that?". what the hell was that mr. happy shrink?

your friend,

homicidal, suicidal, love repelling, absolute cynic

Dear homicidal, suicidal, love repelling, absolute cynic,

Here is my interpretation in a nutshell. Here you are, feeling angry, frightened and victimized by your brother. In previous letters to me you have expressed a sense of helplessness and futility in getting someone to pay attention to you. So here is your unsuspecting sister and why not make her feeling like you do? So now you have the power and the control. Now you are the one in charge and someone else feels helpless and hopeless. That's the adrenalin rush. It doesn't last very long because you know that its only a temporary high. When reality comes back, you experience the denseness. Perhaps the evil is the guilt and shame you feel for terrorizing your sister. 

There are no evil spirits after your soul homicidal, suicidal, love repelling, absolute cynic. Just your own fears and your rage against your family. You have the choice to let this fear and rage control you or to get the help you need to stop feeling so bad. I hope you took my advice from the letter I answered last week. Let me know how you are doing.

happy(noevilcanbreakpersonoftruespirit)shrink

 

Dear happyshrink,

I want to really work on self improvement for the New Year. Can you suggest to me some goals that are attainable? Can you give me some affirmations that will help me attain the level of self esteem that JeWitch has?

Mildred Thigpen

Dear Mildred,

Here are a few ideas just of the top of my head:

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

Happy(WhatwasthatyoujustsaidJoanie?)shrink

 

Date: December 9, 2001     

Dear concerned mother,

Scrupulosity is a form of OCD where the obsession is based on religioius beliefs and the fear that one is not living up to them. The behaviors and fears will vary from religion to religion. A Roman Catholic person suffering from this disorder might go to confession several times a day to confess bad thoughts. A Jewish person might not believe that any of the food they are eating is really Kosher and will feel that they have betrayed the dietary laws. Moslems may believe they have conducted their prayer rituals improperly and feel they have been unworthy to Allah. Persons suffering from Scrupulosity may also have other OCD symptoms such as cleanliness issues, arrangement of their rooms and papers, the wearing of different color combinations, etc. 

Scrupulosity can sometimes occur as a result of a very strict and unforgiving family environments that employ guilt, fear and shame as a means of discipline. But more often, OCD and the form of it known as Scrupulosity is due to a chemical imbalance. Children with parents who have Scrupulosity are 2 to 3 times more likely to suffer from it than the general population.

There are varying degrees of these conditions from mild to extremely severe. Milder forms are easier to treat but all forms can be treated and symptoms can be reduced. The most common treatment of all forms of OCD is medication. Luvox as well as a variety of SSRI medications (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) are common treatments for OCD and have been successful in reducing and in some cases eliminating symptoms. It is also a good idea for individuals suffering from OCD to receive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). In the case of Scrupulosity, the coordination of the treatment between clergy persons and psychiatrists are vital. Some clergy actually have had training in pastoral counseling for individuals suffering from Scrupulosity. That is worth looking into if your child is suffering from such a conditon concerned mother.

I hope this information is helpful and please feel free to write me again with more information and specific questions. Good luck.

happy(triestohavejusttherightamountofscruples)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

This here be a birth announcement. Our piglets growed up to teen age in pig years and got pregnant, unbenownst to nobody. And look what happened. 4 new piglets to ride on the planes in our new business of Muslim plane protection service. But Delila pig, the momma, just like an oversext, wild, irresponsible teenager, wouldn't have nuthin' to do with them babies. We didn't have no grandma pig to feed them babies like I had, so Stupid (Jewitch named her) our bitch, stepped up to the plate and started taking care of them piglets. We could send you a set o' pigs next year if  you want to grow pigs for them New York flights. Let us know.

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

Thanks for the offer but pigs are contrary to my dietary laws. 

happy(lovesporkbuthatespigs)shrink

Date: December 8, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

I feel like I'm making a big step here. I'm not sure if you can help me or not but I'm going to give it a try. I am beginning to think that I may have a social disorder. When I was younger, I didn't have a real big problem speaking with people. But over the last few years, it seems like that whenever I go out in public, I can't seem to talk to people. If I am out at a club or somewhere where there is a crowd, i.e grocery store, malls, work, anywhere. If someone were to walk up to me and try to start a conversation, my heart rate speeds up, I can't think, I get knots in my stomach. Or if I do manage to speak, I get all tongue-tied and I end up looking like a blabbering idiot. It's like my brain works but my mouth doesn't.

For example, the other night, me and my boyfriend went out to a night club, all I could do was sit in the corner and watch everyone else have fun. It was like I was paralyzed. Its like that at work too. I work for a trucking company, and part of my job is to process driver complaints and windshield claims (if a truck loses a rock and hits a windshield on another car, motorist call me) I would rather pay to have the windshield fixed rather than to have them yell at me. My boss is really starting to have a problem with this.

I would rather stay at home, than venture out anywhere. I had moved about 2 years ago, and I still don't know anybody in my neighborhood or anywhere in town for that matter. Hell, even typing this, my hands are all sweaty, and my pulse is pounding. I freeze up when I'm at my kids school, I want to be a part of my children's class but I just can't get up the nerve.

If I catch some guy checking me out, I don't think "Wow he's checking me out" I think "Why's he staring at me?" Should I go see a doctor? Or am I just over reacting? I would really appreciate any advise you could give. Thank you for your time.

C****

Dear C****,

You may be suffering from "social anxiety" or some other type of anxiety disorder. This may be a condition that has existed for a long time, but in the safety net of your previous neighborhood, the symptoms may have not been as bad. This condition may have it's roots in childhood or could also be a result of a chemical imbalance. You are not over reacting and I do think you should see a psychiatrist.

You might want to speak to your family doctor first and get a referral for a psychiatrist from him/her. While your family doctor may be able to prescribe medication that can help you, a psychiatrist will be able to determine the cause of your anxiety and develop long term treatment plan. You don't have to live in fear of people C****. There are more effective treatments than ever before for your condition. Don't let anxiety prevent you from being the person you want to be. Get the help you need now. Good luck and please write me back to let me know if you took my advice.

happy(stillworkingonbeingthepersonhewantstobe)shrink   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

This is FB reading your e mails and really got perturbed at the person saying that all the needed was basically PTL and "who did you think  you were" well, they need to get off the computer and turn on the TV if they feel that strong about it.  What were they doing reading your site anyway. Personally, my husband travels and the net is my outlet to friends, family, and sites that might help me personally and yours is nice and informative but we each have to make our own decisions. All we need is another religious fundamentalist in the world.  FYI I am a catholic.

FB

Dear FB,

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and their religious point of view. They don't have the right to impose their views on others or promote "holy wars" which is an activity that some fundamentalists of Christian, Jewish, Moslem, Hindu and other persuasions have engaged in. The greatness of our country is that we allow all opinions and ideas; even ones that are abhorrent to you and I. In psychotherapy I always tell my patients that there are no wrong feelings; only wrong actions. So let "Believes in a higher power than happyshrink" believe what she wants to. I personally believe she is a "doodiehead." FYI I am a devout Yankees fan.

happy(onlyworriesaboutsticksandstones)shrink

 

Date: December 7, 2001  After 60 years we still remember

Hi Happyshrink,

This is FB reporting back about the daughter in law.  No, she just sends my mail back. I doubt my son knows she gets it.  His sister found out he doesn't get his e-mail from her.  He said there must be something wrong with our computer....he knows...his wife deletes things from any of his family before he gets home...still he isn't stupid. No, no letter writing for me.  I will just wait this one out.  The phone goes two ways...he isn't chained to the house. He could call IF he WANTED to from work.  This is is second marriage. Both women he knew only six months.  First marriage lasted about l 1/2 years, divorced four and same thing...thing is me and my husband moved from our hometown and all of a sudden he met and married this girl.  I had been keeping the granddaughter that he won't let me see for now...seems he needed a babysitter!!!!  

Still I have heard they are squabbling and no, I won't ask him to choose. He shouldn't have to, if he stays married to her fine;  When he hears I am in town and he does, he could easily meet me and my husband whom he loves to talk sports with for an hour or so.  He is just playing hardball for now and I must wait him out.  Thanks for the suggestion though of writing her, but she has sent stuff back before.  It could be a while but I think he will miss his family in a year and at least communicate with us. Still I miss my granddaughter a lot but she is a smart little girl and knows I have never lied to her and must wonder why I haven't called her.  Thanks again...looking forward to hearing back from you.  

BF

Dear BF,

You are right that the phone goes two ways and your son has to realize on some level what his wife is doing. At this point waiting it out sounds like the right thing to do. I am sure you miss your granddaughter very much and this will be a difficult time for you. If your son's marriage does fall apart, you might want to think twice about becoming a "babysitter" again. 

It may be easy to blame everything on your daughter-in-law but your son has to take responsibility for his inactions as well as his actions. This situation can't be good for his daughter either and he is also responsible for that as well. When he is ready to talk to you again, you may want ask him how this has affected his daughter. Please update me if there is any further developments. Good luck.

happy(goodthingscometothosewhowait)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

I am writing this in an urgent way. Please help JeWitch - she's gone too far this time. She had some hair-brained scheme to make extra money answering children's Christmas letters to Santa. The post office was glad to get rid of them and they offered her $1.00 each to take them. (No wonder the price of a damn stamp is so high.) Look, I have to go - I intercept them as quickly as I can before they can go out. Already four children have been hospitalized for depression after reading her "cheery" responses. You have to talk some sense into her. Uh oh - Gilbert's yelling from the living room - the postman's coming. Oh, here are some samples of her work. Good luck trying to get through the 5 feet of cement surrounding her brain. (Not that I think she's a bit thick-headed..)

Mildred

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

 

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

 

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

 

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

 

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

 

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

 

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

----------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

 

Dear Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

Dear Mildred,

This is absolutely despicable behavior on the part of JeWitch. On the other hand, it is good for my business.

happy(therapistsgottaeattooyaknow)shrink 

Date: December 6, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

I really don't know where else to go, and I found your web site, which makes me leery too, but here it goes. (leery only because I don't know if you are ligit, you understand... oh my spelling is horrible....)

I am a 30 year old mother of 2 (just turned 30). I have been with my husband for 15 years. I do love him, but.... I'm not happy anymore. I don't think I want to be married anymore. I don't feel I get the attention I want or need, whenever I try to talk to him I hurt his feelings (which makes me feel really bad.)

I have been going through a really bad depression thing since the summer now, and he just doesn't understand that it doesn't go away over night. I have good days, bad days, and then some really bad days. I don't know why, but I just think maybe its a combination of a lot of things; money, September 11, turning 30, not working and getting out enough.

Any way, It's not just the attention thing, its other things too. I don't want to make him sound bad, because he really is a good guy. He is not abusive physically or psychologically, He loves me, loves the kids, ... I don't know. "example": My son had to go to the hospital for x-rays because he fell down the stairs, I needed comforting and someone to hold me while we waited... He should have done this, but didn't." He just keep pacing back and fourth, not even talking to me while we waited. Almost as if maybe he blamed me for my son falling.  I need more room to keep talking....

I have never been on my own before, I wonder what it is like. There was so much I wanted to do, and still want to do, but didn't and don't because of my husband.
I often wonder too if it is just me, and am I over reacting. SEX? I seem to be in my prime... and he is NOT. (he is 33) I get denied all the time. He says its because of the kids, but isn't that what locks are for and staying up late sometimes? I don't know what to do.

Thanks,
Ch

Dear Ch,

Very often married people with children get caught up in the business of family to the point that they forget they are a still a couple. Let's face it, your "business" hasn't been that great either. It sounds like money is tight. As the kids get older, their financial needs become greater. Everyone has been traumatized to some degree by the events of 9/11 and the aftermath. You are not working and you are suffering from depression. This is not a great environment to rekindle a romance Ch.

I have a few suggestions. I think you need to see your family physician about your depression. I would strongly suggest that you ask him/her for a  referral to a psychiatrist. While medication isn't the long term answer for you, it may help get you out of the rut you are in and help you to take some action. One good action would be to find a job. That could make you feel a whole lot better about yourself and take the pressure off of your marriage and family as a sole means of feeling valued.

Lastly Ch, I would suggest that you and your husband go for marriage counseling. The counseling will help you and you husband to understand each others needs a little better as well as determine if you can rekindle the spark in your marriage or need to move on. There is no easy fix to your problem Ch. I know what I am suggesting is difficult but the alternative is to continue to be unhappy. You and your husband deserve better than that. There's too much living head of you. Get the help you need now. Please feel free to write me again.

happy(stillhasalotoflivingaheadtoo)shrink

 

Dear Edna,

I guess that makes your sister Lurlene a "social climber."

happy(tryingtoclimboutoftheInternet)shrink

 

Date: December 5, 2001     

Dear Judiblueye,

Perhaps this is enough for now to just have some fun. After all you have been through with "Mr. Sociopath," having an "arrangement" doesn't seem to be such a bad idea. I do have a few warnings though. Usually when two people engage in a "no-commitment" relationship, one of the parties eventually want more. When this happens, you have to know when the "arrangement" has ran its course and its time to move on. 

Another bit of advice I would give you is not to give up on a "real deal" relationship. Sometimes having an "arrangement" can make one complacent. For now it's nice to have fun but don't sell yourself short Judiblueye. You deserve more and make sure you keep that as a goal. Who knows; there may be some nice FBI agent looking for someone with "depth." (private joke for people in last night's chatroom)

happy(adeepguyinashallowpool)shrink

 

Dear JeWitch,

If you would have logged on to Napster a few months ago, you would have found such hits as: Hey Jew and Michelle, Meine Shayna Madella. What a wonderful tribute to George Harrison. I can only see him looking down from heaven, KVELLING. Sniff..sniff, I think I'm getting verklempt.

happy(tawkamongyourselves)shrink

 

Date: December 4, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

I continue to go in and out of severe depression, I talk to my therapist and psychiatrist and take the medication I am given.  Yet I still remain severely depressed.
This time of year seems worse than others, so at this time I feel pressure, depression, anxiety and have suicidal ideation. I have very few days where I don't have a very low point at some time, night time seems even more intense. I have nights where I think I have slept all night, only to be told by my husband that I was awake and acting like a child. Then there are nights when I am very much awake, struggling with bad thoughts, and sometimes after trying so hard not to, I will end up hurting myself.

Do people ever get well from mental illness? I have talked to several people that have been in therapy for years and they still feel like they are struggling.
Doesn't this ever go away? I don't want to have suicidal ideation anymore, but I don't know how to make it go away. My therapist says I have to learn to love the little girl in the corner. What's in the corner is an "IT," it sickens me and it would be easier to destroy the human race than to have compassion for that thing.

I don't know how to have compassion for "IT." How do I start?  It almost hurts thinking about it.

Thank you

staringat"IT"fromadistance       

Dear staringat"IT"fromadistance,

Before you can have compassion for "IT" you need to know who and what "IT" is. Was "IT" the perpetrator? Was "IT" the bad girl that got what she deserved? I don't have the answers to these questions. Only the journey you take with your therapist can shed light on that. Something very bad happened to you when you were very small and you didn't have the ability to protect yourself in an emotionally healthy way. So your mind created "IT." 

Yes, people do get better from this sort of condition, but there are no guarantees and no easy shortcuts. That little girl in the corner does deserve love. She didn't get when years ago and you can do something about getting it for her now. Keep trying staringat"IT"fromadistance. I'll keep listening.

happy(lovesthatlittlegirl)shrink

 

HI!

I am a nursing student (no, that's NOT funny......) and I am trying to get some information on humor as a defense mechanism without actually having to go to the library.........I was honest, doesn't that count?

Can you help me in anyway?

Thanks CS

Dear CS,

Humor is a very real defense for against stress, anxiety and sadness. By injecting humor, we can put our problems in proper prospective and either resolve them or move on from them. This though should not be confused with certain Freudian components of the ego known as "the mechanisms of defense." These are unconscious ways that our ego prevents us from experiencing intense feelings of sadness, stress or anxiety. Among the mechanisms of defense are repression, regression, projection, dissociation, intellectualization and reaction formation. Humor is a conscious effort to relieve these feeling and is therefore not a true mechanism of defense.

I don't know if this helps you or not CS. You might want to go to the library anyway. My recommendations are, The Mechanisms of Defense by Anna Freud and any past issues of MAD Magazine by "The usual gang of idiots"

happy(oneofthegang)shrink

 

Date: December 3, 2001     

Dear Happy,

I am so pissed!! I've been writing to you for a while about problems I've been having and how to tell my parents about it. I've been really really timid and ashamed about it all and so one day, my mom was dropping me and my older brother off at our separate schools. Out of the blue, Michael (my brother) says, insouciant, "Mom, can you make an appointment for me to get tested for ADD? I think that is why I've been doing badly in school." "Okay honey"

So I'm like "ok, no big deal" and when Michael gets dropped off at his school, I tell my mom about everything, more or less. and she says, "Okay, well, if you really feel that way yadda yadda yadd, we'll do it yadda yadda yadda" obviously she's not taking me seriously. but I don't care at this point, because I've felt like a steaming hot pile of horse dung for the past three and a half years and I am ready to do something about it besides hiding in a corner and starving myself (I've lost 30 pounds in three months) and giving myself scar tattoos (on my right calf- I didn't go swimming this summer).
so I had a good day. It's been a few weeks. nothing. This is all looking familiar. Like last year when I was on the brinks of insanity and everyone knew it including all my teacher who called for meetings because of my "attitude". And my parents just sat there and pretended nothing was happening. I hate them!!!!!

So, as I was saying, it's been a few weeks. mom has completely forgotten of course. so yesterday, I was in the kitchen reading a book, and my little sister comes hobbling in and whines that she has a very irritating wart on her foot. my mom gets this sad look on her face and goes, "aaaaah, honey!!!!!!! I'll write it on my list of things to do right now!!!!!! Scribbles something down on a piece of paper] I'm sorry honey!!!!!!!"
A wart!!!!!!! And meanwhile I am descending ever rapidly at the ripe old age of thirteen into the deepest darkest dungeons of misery. I am going insane!!! I swear I can't take this anymore. You tell me to talk to someone, well look where that went. there is no hope for me. I will just end up like my aunt, committing suicide by locking myself in a freezer, or my grand mother, who's spent much of her spare time in hospitals for severe depression and thinks the insurance truth police are out to get her, or god forbid, like my father, who sits in his miserable suburban house all day popping Prozac and playing downstairs on his computer all day, having spent half his life wanting to kill himself, and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am no different. I swear I'll never get help and I'll spend the rest of my life like this. it happens all the time. I can feel it running through my veins. A wart!!!!!!! I fucking hate my parents.
yours truly,

Homicidal, suicidal, love repelling, absolute cynic

Dear Homicidal, suicidal, love repelling, absolute cynic,

If you are so sure that there is no hope for you, why are you writing me? I think you do want to be helped but you are so angry at everybody and everything in your life, you have let your anger paralyze you. OK so maybe your parents aren't the people you need to talk to first. Maybe they will never really understand what you are going though. But is that so uncommon? Lots of kids have parents they don't communicate with. That doesn't mean that end up killing themselves or become in-patients at a psychiatric hospital. I will dispense with my "Life is a beautiful adventure!" speech because clearly you don't want to hear that. So here is the "Life sucks so what are you going to do about it?" speech.

You can complain about your siblings, your parents, your teachers and even your friends but when push comes to shove, only you can help yourself. It's up to you to remind your mother that she needs to make an appointment with a mental health professional for you. If she doesn't follow through, bug your father, bug your teachers, talk to your family doctor on your own if necessary. Tell them just a part of what you told me (over and over again if you have to) and somebody will listen to you. 

I am happy that you write to me and I hope you continue. I will answer your second letter sometime next week. (I try to keep to a one letter a week rule if possible). I understand that you want someone to listen to you and I am trying to listen as best I can, but I can only give you support. You need to speak to a face to face therapist to get the help you need. Don't just be pissed off and wallow in your misery. You can do what you have to do to get better homicidal, suicidal, love repelling, absolute cynic. 

PS, You are the first person who ever wrote me to use the word  "insouciant" in their letter. I'm impressed!

happy(notinsouciantabouthomicidal,suicidal,love repelling,absolutecynic)shrink

 

Dear Mr. Happyshrink,

A number of my friends recommended your site to me and frankly, I don't approve of it. Who gives you the right to tell people how to live their lives. You are not a religious person. It is obvious by those letters you print that are supposed to be amusing. I got Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Jimmy Swaggert to tell me all I need to know. So what words of wisdom do you have for me?

Believes in a higher power than happyshrink

Dear Believes in a higher power than happyshrink,

Here are my words of wisdom to you as they were give to me by one of my friends:

1. The best way to get even is to forget...

2. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

3. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...

4. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth...

5. Words are windows to the heart.

6. A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.

7. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill - just add a little dirt.

8. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right person.

9. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

10. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.

11. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

12. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

13. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

14. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...

15. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE. !

Now go munch on a Snicker's bar.

happy(mostofallforchocolate)shrink

 

Date: December 2, 2001     

Hi Happyshrink, 

I am working on a project for school and I have a couple of questions that I would really appreciate if you could answer for me as soon as possible if you could.  Does having an optimistic state of mind contribute to being overall more healthy physically than someone who is constantly negative?  From a medical stand point is there a correlation there?  Why or why not?  What is optimism?  What is pessimism?  Are there people who are born just more optimistic than others?  If so, How is this possible? Also, What advice do you give to someone who is suffering from depression?  How can they help themselves?  Thank you very much for your time.

  Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I have not really don't research on the topic of optimism but I will try and answer your questions as best I can and perhaps give you some ideas for your project. I don't know if there is any clinical evidence that optimistic people live longer or are healthier. They just seem that way because when they are either sick or having difficulty with life, they still are hopeful that things get better and look to the future. Pessimistic people tend to focus on the what is most negative in their lives. They often see themselves as helpless and their future as hopeless.

I'm sure you can look up in the dictionary the literal translation of optimism and pessimism, but beyond the definition, I will share with you an example. I remember as a kid driving in a car with an aunt and uncle of mine and going over the George Washington Bridge. The sun was setting and the view was spectacular. My uncle who was the "eternal optimist" commented on how beautiful the view was and what a wonderful world we live in. My pessimistic aunt said, "Sure it's beautiful now. That only means it will rain tomorrow." My aunt and uncle seemed to compliment each other despite their differences in attitude. However, my aunt died about 20 years ago and my uncle is still going strong at 85.

So why are some people optimists and other's pessimists. Like some many character traits, it's probably a little bit of nature and a little bit of nurture. People who grow up in an environment of disappointments, broken promises, lack of recognition for achievement and unmet needs are likely to be more pessimistic. In some ways it is a defense mechanism. If you expect little out of life, you are less hurt when you don't get what you want. On the other hand, you also miss opportunities for happiness by assuming that your needs can't be met. People growing up in an environment where they're needs are usually met and they are rewarded for their achievements are more likely to be optimistic about life.

Depression is a much more complex condition than optimism or pessimism. Pessimism may be a symptom of depression but not in all cases. Depression too can be biological or environmental. There are some people who have chemical deficiencies and become depressed for no apparent reason. There doesn't seem to be a precipitating factor although there is the possibility they have repressed the reasons for these feelings. In cases of a chemical imbalance, the common treatment is medication. 

Situational Depression may be a result of a failed relationship, the death of a loved one, losing one's job and other stressful situations. In time the depression should diminish by itself but in some cases, individuals need to speak with a therapist and might even take medication for a brief time period to get over their sense of loss. Anyone suffering from depression for a period of time longer than a month should definitely be evaluated  by a psychiatrist. 

Depression is by far the most common mental illness. There are treatments for depression and no one should suffer a long time without getting the help they need. I hope this information helps you Ashley. Let me know how you did on your school project.

happy(optimisticthatAshleywillgetan"A")shrink

 

Dear Happy,

I just turned 50 and I feel old and unattractive. Since you have referred to yourself as an "old fart" on several occasions, how do you cope with being old and unattractive?

an old tart who's trying to be young at heart.

Dear old tart who's trying to be young at heart,

Who says I cope well with being old and unattractive. Frankly, it pisses the hell out of me. But I do have a friend who's name I forgot who sent me this list of advantages to being over 50:

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

 7) Things you buy now won't wear out.

 8) You can live without sex but not without glasses.

 9) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

10) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

11) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14) You sing along with the elevator music.

15) Your eyes won't get much worse.

16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.

17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.

18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

20) A thirty year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

 21) You won't remember who sent you this list.

You know, the more I read this list, the less funny it becomes.

happy(YesIrememberitwasyouJudiblueye)shrink

 

Date: December 1, 2001     

Dear Happyshrink,

I am in my mid-twenties and am quite silly. Yesterday I was listening to a radio talk show and was introduced to the concept of arrested development. I am interested to hear your thoughts on the possibility of this being the case with myself, please read on. I suffered a traumatic event (parent's divorce) when I was 10. My parents divorced in late August and I distinctly remember feeling too sad to begin the 4th Grade a few weeks later. I remember leaving school after the first day and thinking "Well, that wasn't so bad." This sort of has been my approach to life ever since, "not so bad" but not so good either. I have never told anyone about this and have never received any professional help. I've read a little about children's reactions to divorce and have determined that I definitely am not a good "coper."

I have been plagued with feelings of being behind my peers developmentally and socially. I also uncontrollably blurt out things I'm thinking, like a child. I always attributed my social challenges to being born prematurely and getting into elementary school a year earlier than I would have if I had been born full term, but I suspect there might be more to it. I love cartoons, occasionally sleep with stuffed animals, have devoured the Harry Potter books, etc.

Recently, I have had concentration problems so I've been re-reading the classics I first read as a child. I have also begun buying toys of the sort that I used to play with when I was a girl. It never occurred to me that this would be a developmental delay until I heard the radio program. I always thought that this eternal youthfulness was a positive character trait. (My sister also loves toys though in her 30s, my parents are both a bit silly too, youthful for adults in their 60s.)

I am very confused. I have found the transition from college to work (I've been working for four years) difficult because of the new environment and feel out of league with other friends of the same age. I think now is the time for me get to work and to finally grow up and behave and feel like a true adult.

Will you please recommend to me any books on the subject of delayed development? Adult depression resulting from childhood divorce? Regression? Do you have any words of encouragement for me? Many thanks in advance for your assistance.

Best regards,

"Sally"

Dear Sally,

To some extent, everyone suffers from arrested development. The desire to play with toys and enjoy cartoons is not a bad thing and can be a very positive character trait when you find people with similar likings. Your managing to graduate from college, get a job and support yourself doesn't really sound like a severe case of arrested development to me. Perhaps you are shy and your social skill need some work. Shyness to me is a positive trait that means you are thoughtful and concerned about what others think. Only the most superfluous and narcissistic people are not shy. As for your social skills, that is something you can work on to change.

Frankly, I don't think recommending books to you will help and may even confuse you more. What I recommend is that you see a therapist. All of the things that you felt as that 10 year old girl are still inside you Sally. They need to come out and be dealt with. You sound like a delightful individual but you may have issues around self esteem and purpose. Your parents divorce may have made you reluctant to risk intimacy with others and if that's the case, you need to work on that with a therapist.

To me Sally, you don't sound terribly messed up but I also think you have the potential to get much more out of life. Get the help you need to be the adult you want to be. The kind that can take responsibility for her life, risk intimacy, laugh at cartoons, play with toys, enjoy Harry Potter books, cuddle with stuffed animals and cuddle with other human beings as well. Please feel free to respond to my suggestions and let me know how you are progressing.

happy(justabig52yearoldkid)shrink

 

Dear Happyshrink,

You'll be happy to know that so far, the best name that my spell checker has come up with is Calista Fartworth.

"Shallow Pal"

Dear Shallow Pal,

Don't think of yourself as shallow. Think of yourself as just another stupid idiot that writes me these kinds of letters.

happy(andinvolvedintheInternetwaytoodeep)shrink