Postings from October 1-15, 2001
Date: October 15, 2001
Dear Happy, I have been exclusively dating a girl (whom I believed was delivered by fate) for the past seven months. The only problem is that she is suffering from Bi-Polar Disorder. She has recently been taking Celexa with little noticeable effects. I hate to say it but after a while she isn't the only one suffering. I have my own problems such as low self-esteem, anger, and, although not so bad lately, depression. And after a while, dealing with her problems makes mine almost obsolete and it starts to wear me down. Just today I felt as if I couldn't take it anymore and, after one more innumerable fights, came to the conclusion that we shouldn't see each other anymore and that we shouldn't even call each other. This isn't the first time this has happened and every time it does we end up talking on the phone and she bawls her eyes out. I really do love her sincerely and I care for her so much, but every time, I end up feeling like the worst person in the whole world, we get back together and the cycle starts all over again. It is a seemingly crazy roller-coaster of life but I can't seem to get off and honestly don't know if I could or if I should. Your advice would be greatly appreciated! Sincerely, Fork In The Road Dear Fork In The Road, Sometimes love isn't enough for a relationship to work. In many cases love changes to need, especially when the prospects of being alone or finding another mate seem overwhelming or impossible. Both you and your girlfriend need to work on your own personal issues before you can successfully function as a couple. If depression, self esteem issues, anger and bi-polar disorder are mixed into the challenge of being a successful couple, the odds are stacked against you. If your girlfriend does not seem to experience a significant reduction of symptoms on Celexa, perhaps she needs to speak to her psychiatrist about trying something else. She might also want to get a second opinion on her diagnosis and treatment plan. It probably wouldn't hurt you to be evaluated as well and perhaps enter therapy. Your issues of anger, self-esteem and depression may be helped through counseling perhaps combined with medication. I can't tell you whether this relationship is one that has a future Fork In the Road. But what I can tell you is that you that it is advisable to get your own house in order before you start setting up house with anyone else. Don't make the mistake that many people do by thinking things will get better by themselves. Get the help you need now. Good luck and feel free to respond. happy(tryingtoevenuptheodds)shrink
Dear Dr. Happyshrink, I just had to pass along this gem. I was outside the other day watering the flowers on the side of the house, which, by coincidence, happen to be on the same side as JeWitch's kitchen window. I'll admit, it was hard to hear what she was saying over the water, so I kept turning it down, but not off (I wouldn't want her to become suspicious) and, well, you'll just have to hear it. She was talking to that friend of hers, Edna. Edna's the one that owns the trailer or she runs a park or something like that. Gilbert says that no good ever come from one of those places. I never did know what he meant by that. Anyway, Edna was yelling about calling the police and a reward and JeWitch kept interrupting talking about bail money. Here's the story: It seems that Edna got picked up by the police for filing a false report, inciting a riot and being a public nuisance, which is why JeWitch had to go and bail her out of jail. Because of her, 3 squads of National Guard troops converged on the JC Penny store. Crowds gathered looking for justice. You're wondering, why, now, aren't you. Well, it gets good, so hold your horses. Edna, the brain surgeon to be, called out the police, the National Guard, the press, and all 53 members of her immediate family (all living in that same park in about 7 trailers) because she heard that "Some Bed Linen" was on the 2nd floor of JC Penny's. And I thought JeWitch was nuts. Well, I gotta go make Gilbert a peanut butter sandwich and turn on Wheel of Fortune. Sincerely, Mildred Thigpen Dear Mildred, This story really pisses me off. I thought Edna was a patriotic American. And now you tell me she's looking for bed linen in J.C. Penny's when everyone knows that "America's Store" is Walmart. What is this world coming to? Next thing you'll probably tell me is that Edna will be buying her white sheets for the KK....... I mean Halloween at K-Mart. happy(GodBlessAmerica)shrink
Date: October 14, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, In June, my husband of over 13 yrs. left me and the kids. He had been doing drugs, drinking heavily and had been staying out all night and leaving for work three to four hours early. He said that he was messed up and needed to be by himself to get straightened out. He moved into his parents empty trailer. He claimed to go on a business trip after he moved out, but when he got back he had been to King's Island. He has lied to people about me, and had accused me of telling lies about him. After staying in the trailer for about a week he started claiming that he was so tired that he was sleeping along the highway instead of going to the trailer after he got off work. He sees the kids every Sunday, and he would tell the kids things about what he is doing and they would tell me. It came out that he had moved in with another woman. She has two kids ages 13 and 9. Our kids are ages 10 and 12. He has very little to do with our kids and does things with her kids. He gives me about $100.00 a week to live on and I don't work. He claims he doesn't know why he has done to us what he has done, and then he filed for divorce. I asked him why and he says he doesn't know. I have begged and pleaded for him to come home, but he says he didn't know why he left and until he got straightened out he couldn't. Now he is saying that he is coming home after we get a divorce. He says that he Loves me very much and misses me. He is still living with the other woman. I am so confused. I Love him very much and I counter filed against his divorce for a legal separation. I cannot see divorcing someone who has a problem and I believe he has a problem. How can he say he loves me very much and still be with another? He is 36 years old. Could this be a mid-life crisis? Before he left we were getting along just fine. He had a drug and alcohol problem, but he had this problem when we got married. I don't understand why he says he doesn't know instead of telling me the reason why he left. He also says that he doesn't live with her that she keeps our car to use all the time. She takes him to work every day and I see him over there at her house all the time, before and after work. Could you please tell me what is going on here? Just an idea would help me to cope a little easier with all of this. Could it be the drugs have done some type of damage, or the alcohol or is it a mid-life crisis or could it be a combination of all of the above, or do you think there is more to it than that? I thank you for your time to read and answer this e-mail.......Also this is not even half of what has been going on. JN Dear JN, Yes your husband sounds like he has serious problems. He had them before he met you. He had them when you got married and he's got them now that he left you. That's about all I can say about him. But what about you? How do you end up marrying someone with a drug problem, have children with him, become dependent on him for support and now want him back after he betrayed you time and time again? What about your problem JN? That's what you have to focus on right now. For over 13 years you have been an enabler for all his deviant behavior. Why?..... because he says he loves you? Is that all it takes? Those are empty words to a addict and/or sociopath. But as long as you believe him and see your role as trying to help him overcome his problem, you will continue to enable his illness and you will also deny your own. It's time for you to take charge of your own life JN. Speak to your attorney about getting more money out of your husband for openers. Get yourself and perhaps your kids into therapy. You suffer from an addiction too and it's just as hard to break as your husband's habit. Don't minimize it. If you want to do what's best for your kids, give them a parent role model they can look up to and be proud of. I know that this is a painful and difficult process for you. Change will take time. Start today JN. Please feel free to respond and update me. happy(tryingtoenableselfreliance)shrink
Greetings Happyshrink! This is my first time to do something like this. I am writing out of curiosity and with the hope that some of your "happiness" would rub off on me. I am constantly bothered by worry. This is something that my friends would not know since I am a generally jolly company. I have read loads of inspiring literature but i want to know what you think. regards, sr Dear sr, We now live in a time when many of us are filled with worry. There is a lot of uncertainty in the world and many people are concerned about their health, financial security, relationships, and future endeavors. That is quite normal and the best way to deal with it is to share feelings with friends. Most people would prefer a friend who can share feelings rather than be jolly all the time. They may even have the same worries you have and discussing it can make all of you feel better. If your worry is greater than what I just described and it does not diminish when you talk about it among friends, you may be suffering from depression or an anxiety disorder. If this is the case, I would suggest you see a psychiatrist to be evaluated. Treatment can include medication and/or some form of psychotherapy. Get the help you need sr. It's better to be jolly on the inside than jolly on the outside. Let me know what you think. happy(jollythroughandthrough...exceptwhenIhavetodocleaning)shrink
Dear Happy, Gonna copy JeWitch with all her "JeWisdom." Here is some Ednaquette ...Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. I can't think of anything else right now ... Edna Dear Edna, That's enough thinking for an entire month. Maybe you should take a nap.... after that Bloody Mary. happy(passtheworschestersauce)shrink
Date: October 13, 2001
**Happyshrink would like to report that despite his inability to access his web page over the past 3 days, it does not seem to have been caused by and act of terrorism and he urges his readers to continue functioning as normally as possible. Dear happy shrink,
I am asking for your help. I am a 33 year old Bangladeshi woman married to a Japanese man who is 31. I know him for last nine years and married to him for almost 5 yrs. Ours was a long distance letter based relationship ...so when we got married it was basically a marriage without real interaction like regular couples. My problem is , I discovered certain personalities in him which is difficult to identify with the man I started my relationship with. We met in a youth program and became best of friends and around that time he was a real friendly cheerful , kind, social, helpful, gentle, and cheerful person.
Before our marriage he was posted in Calcutta and there he became real sick with food and unfamiliarity. He lost around 15 lbs. and that is the time I discovered the abnormal, violent sides of him. It was almost like temporary insanity that would come over him time to time and he would misbehave with me horribly, even would be violent (like breaking things, hitting himself, shout in a crazy manner, do angry things in public like running through the public market over a fight with some shop keeper, throw the house keys in the street ,leave me in a strange place in odd hours etc).
At first I thought it was cultural shock but when we settled down there after our marriage , it still was there and I have seen him being suicidal too. I was very scared and insecure but I tried to believe that things will work out in the future. I was newly married and as you know as an Asian woman I wanted to sustain my marriage and work it out. But at the same time I was keeping pented up anger within myself because I had no way of showing my mood or sentiments to him because of his dominating behavior. I also found him to be an extremely unsocial person, very much concerned about his own wishes and interests and gradually found less and less space for being myself.
I secretly started to have anger and complaints against him. I also found out that we would have severe fights over petty issues but the consequences would surpass the reason and prolong for days. In those times he would shut our bed room door for hours and we would have no communication for 2 /3 days. And at one point he would come to the other room and show his mercy to talk to me according to his own time and decision and then things will get back to normal again. But the violent temper was something that is so opposite and insane compared to his apparent gentle soft appearance that hardly anyone would imagine that he can transform into a person like that.
The first 2.5 yr. of my marriage were the worst but it started to improve after the third...but my love or feelings for him started to decrease from the end of the 4th year. By the way.....we never had any enjoyable physical relationship either. He does not have much urge where I think I do. He never kisses me in my mouth other than the time we would have intercourse. Also he would make sure to brush our teeth before that. I do not have any dental problem and during my other relations was always complemented by my former boy friends as a good kisser. His lack of interest in physical life also frustrated me a lot and this year I am always thinking of divorce.
But after he heard part of my complaints he has been very nice to me in his behavior and wishing to work out our marriage. I don't know if he has any mental or physical problem and also i don't know if there is any medicine or treatment or cure for this. He hates doctors, specially mental doctors. Please help......because I have no access to any information regarding this in my country. I am unhappy with him but I still care about him. Although he is very unsocial but he is still quite friendly to a selected group of people. His parents love me very much. But I am a very unsatisfied puzzled person at this point. Thanks for listening............crab 28
Dear crab28,
Clearly, your husband is a very disturbed individual and needs help. But what is of more concern to me is his abusive and controlling behavior. He may have become nicer to you because you have raised the issue of divorce but it is very likely that the anger, abuse and control will rear its ugly head again. I don't know if this relationship can be fixed to the point where the two of you will be happy together. More important thought is your safety and well being. Abuse can get worse as time goes on, even though right now he's in the "I'm trying to be good" stage.
I have two recommendations for you crab28. I urge you to seek professional help for yourself. You may be aware of your husband's emotional problems, but I am even more concerned about what his behavior is doing to you. There must be agencies in your country that work with women who are in abusive relationships. Find someone who you can talk to about what is going on and who can help you if your husband becomes more violent. The second recommendation is to insist that your husband see a psychiatrist and that you have an opportunity to speak with the psychiatrist about your husband's behaviors. If he's not willing to do that crab28, he's not willing to change.
I really don't want to suggest more to you than I already have. I never suggest to any man or woman that they leave their abusive spouse because only they can decide what is the right thing to do for them. I hope you make the right decision for you crab28. Good luck and please feel free to write me again.
happy(hopingfortherightdecision)shrink
Dear happy, It's Friday, October 5th, and I have to
tell you I do not feel very safe in this world right now. What's up with
everybody? Seems like after 09/11 the world is slowly falling apart.
People all over the place are doing strange and violent things,
Israel and the US are mad at each other, there is an Anthrax scare, and
Bin Laden is still safe and alive. Everyone was so geared up for the year 2000 to come and create chaos. No one really noticed when 2001 arrived, even though this is the year that is actually the new millennium. Half way through, and the world has gone to hell. I don't want to hear about another war, wasn't Vietnam, Korea, and Desert Storm enough in our life time? But here we are, at the edge of another conflict. My son will be nineteen October 15th, my daughter 18 in January. What will become of them? Now they talk of drafting boys and girls, and I don't want to lose either one. I know I should not feel this way, but it seems to me that if certain Middle Eastern people feel that killing themselves and innocent people is their ticket to paradise, then let's send them to paradise in one big bang. I know that sounds bad, I'm sorry. But this is getting very personal, I don't want to see my children die because of someone else's beliefs. Seems like these people have been in the paper for terrorism all my life, ENOUGH ALREADY. I do have a question for Osama? If you
believe that the way to heaven is by dying and killing others, why weren't
you on one of those planes? You are all too eager to send the lambs to the
slaughter, but you don't have the nerve to go yourself. You represent
another spineless, so called leader. Your followers are too blind to see
that you're really full of crap. Dear Methos, Well, it's a week after you wrote this letter and the world is still filled with danger and terror. As the father of a son who will be 20 in January, I too share your fears about his role in this struggle. No sons or daughters should ever have to go to war and pay the supreme sacrifice for our freedoms. Unfortunately, this has been the case in the past and it will be the case in the future. As far as the big bang approach to the problem, you couldn't give Ben-laden a better gift. His group would like nothing more than to see a world reduced to burnt out rubble. After sending the world back to the stone age, he and his band of thugs become the leaders. That's what happened to Afghanistan with the Taliban. We can't let that happen here. Our President and our government are doing what is necessary to destroy the evil. If we reduce ourselves to killing innocent people whose only crime in life is having been born impoverished in an oppressive country, are we any better than Osama? It is normal and even healthy to have angry thoughts about what is going on Methos. I can't tell you that I haven't had hateful (aka JeWitchful) thoughts. But when it comes down to it, we must take the higher road. Goodness and decency demand it. America has build a society with freedoms and opportunities greater than any other in the history of the world. Sure, it isn't perfect and we have our own set of problems. We have our own poor, sick, uneducated and disenfranchised that need help and support. Our system of justice doesn't always free the innocent and convict the guilty. There is too much violence on TV and in the movies. We have been a society of over indulgence, greed, waste and apathy. Despite our flaws, we are still the shining hope for all people wishing for a better life. Let's keep that beacon of hope lit Methos. Without it, Ben-laden and his murderers win. happy(somehowIdon'tthinkOsamareadsmywebpage)shrink
Dear Happy, The ruin of ar society is upon us. There be a few boys on the lower east side of the trailer park that started a new kinda scam. They barrowd that slut Edna's slut dog, the both o' 'em always beein' in heat, an' went walken' her over in Heathrow, the reeel rich part o' town. When a nother dog comed a sniffin', they ketched it and when the owner offers a reward, they collected all kinds o' money. That thar bitch were a real money maker. But, thar luck runned out when they kidnapped the sheriff's bomb sniffin' dog. Figgure they ain't gonna see the light o' day fer a long time.
Gind Rinker Dear Gind, It's good to see the local police in your area on high alert. Maybe next time you can get me a picture of Sheriff Obie patting down the dog. happy(onsecondthought...nevermind)shrink
Date: October 12, 2001 HAPPY LIVES!! :)
There was a glitch with Happy's server access and so he wasn't able to post. He will be back tomorrow, though, so look forward to an EXTRA helping of advice and humor.
Date: October 9, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I have been told by a friend that I am a compulsive shopper and to seek help. She insists that there is a drug to cure this. Is there? What can I do to get out of this compulsive behavior? Thanks for your time. JP Dear JP, While you may have a compulsion to shop, that in itself does not automatically mean you have a compulsive disorder. Before you consider medication or any other kind of treatment you need to get a psychiatric evaluation. If you do have a compulsive disorder, suffer from depression or anxiety, there are medications that can reduce your symptoms. The only thing that will stop you from shopping though is cutting up your credit cards and leaving home without your checkbook and money. You might also want to look into support groups for compulsive shoppers. Good luck and let me know how much I can charge you (just kidding). happy(medscan'tcureeverything)shrink
Happy, Remember all those Dr. Seuss books ?? Cat in the Hat, etc ?? Well, I have been working on some myself .. seems like an easy task .. Writing for kids, right ?? Look for these books in your bookstore .. COMING SOON !!
Dear JeWitch, I can think of one author who's turning over in his grave. happy(OnbeyondJeWitch)shrink
Date: October 8, 2001
Hi, I have a husband who is bipolar,depressed and has ADD... can you help me understand him?? He is on Concerta, Celexa, and Depakote.... could you help me to understand? Thank you, Ch Dear Ch, The three medications your husband takes are used to treat the three diagnoses you have identified. Depakote was originally used to treat seizure disorders but in recent years, it is the preferred medication for bipolar disorder. While there are side effects and cautions with this medication, it is generally safer and has fewer side effects than lithium carbonate which is also used to treat bipolar disorder. Celexa is an antidepressant and also has somewhat less side effects reported than other anti-depressants. Concerta is a time released medication that treats Attention Deficit Disorders. It should help to improve his concentration and focus. All of these medications have varying degrees of cautions and side effects. I suggest you ask your husband's psychiatrist to give him some information sheets on these medications. If his psychiatrist doesn't have such sheets you can go to the pharmaceutical company's websites and get the information as well as FAQ's. I hope I have helped you to understand the medications your husband is taking. Helping you to understand him is another story. Every person suffering from mental illness is different and their symptoms may be manifested in different ways. While medication can help your husband to reduce his symptoms and hopefully live a normal and productive life, he does also need support from you as well as others. Support groups can help him to understand his condition and cope with it as best he can. It is important to understand that your husband doesn't like feeling depressed, confused or moody. Being understanding and compassionate will help him as much as any medication. In order to do that, you might want to consider a support group for yourself as well. Good luck and please feel free to write me again. happy(noteasytounderstandeither)shrink
Tomorrow, I will print a letter from Edna or JeWitch, but today I would like to post a very important news article from a recent press conference that God held clarifying his position on killing.  NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand." Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence." "I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again." The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe. "I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?" "But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'" Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an. "To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall." God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions. "This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club." Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain." God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions. "I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades." Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp." "Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?" "I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm f***ing serious!" Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
Date: October 7, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, My husband just turned 64 and we have been married 30 years. The last year he has been increasingly angry about things that happened when we first got married. He also is mixing up conversations he has had with different people, denying he has been told of upcoming planned events, and been just increasingly hard to get along with. He has always been very argumentative but now seems to be unable to tolerate even the smallest disagreement. If I don't agree with his point of view or his assessment of a situation, he just yells louder and louder. Its easier to agree just to pacify him than to correct him when he is totally wrong (about a date, or event). These aren't viewpoints, they are facts. I'm worried about Alzheimer's. He doesn't show any of the signs as far as forgetting where he is or where he is going, or remembering people's names or anything like that, but the personality changes are worrisome. He won't go to a doctor, hasn't been in probably 15 - 20 years other than a couple bouts with pneumonia six or seven years ago. Thanks for your help. Barbara Dear Barbara, Your husband may have the beginning symptoms of Alzheimer's but there could be many other things causing his memory problems and his obstinate behavior. He probably needs to get a good physical exam to determine if there are any medical problems that might be causing these symptoms. From what you described it sounds to me like he has always been obstinate only it has gotten worse in recent years. Emotional stress and other life changes could be make one more argumentative as well as forgetful. Did he just recently retire or is he considering that in the near future? Has he experienced recent loss of a friend or family member that he was close to? It could be a combinations of things that have been going on. The only thing you can do is urge your husband to see a doctor. I understand that this is not easy as he sounds very stubborn and unwilling to listen. It might help if you can get your children, other relatives and some family friends to speak with him too. When friends and family members gather together to tell a loved one that they need help, it's called an "intervention." It is most commonly done when people have substance abuse problems but it can be an effective tool in other cases as well. I can't guarantee it will work, but give it a try. Lastly Barbara, what about you? How has this affected your life and your emotional well being? You may have a good idea what your husband is going through but have you thought about you? It might also be a good idea to speak to a counselor or therapist to help you cope with your own feelings. There is just so much you can do for your husband and the rest is up to him. You have more control over what you can do for yourself. Don't neglect yourself Barbara. Please feel free to write me again. happy(needstotakebettercareofhimselftoo)shrink
Happyshrink, Do you think that when a person says that really REALLY don't care about living or dying except for what dying does to the people who love you, is in trouble mentally? I don't mean that the person would do anything to end her life, but she resents having to do the things that keep her healthy. A Friend - Of A Friend - Of A Friend Dear Friend of a friend of a friend, There is one word to describe that attitude; DENIAL. Many people who don't take good care of themselves don't really believe that their behavior will actually do them in. Some will say things like, "When God wants to take me, he will do so no matter what I do." This is yet another form of denial. If I were God would I want to "take" someone who smokes, drinks, and eats a lot of crap?.....NOT! As far as your question, are they in trouble mentally? No, they are probably like millions of others who are in equal denial. They are in trouble physically, and they probably won't realize that until it's too late. happy(nottolateformebutIbettershapeup)shrink
Date: October 6, 2001
Dear Happy, You know I write you sometimes because I don't know what else to do or who else to share with. Seems kind of strange really, but I find you to be the safest person. Right now I imagine that when you get my emails, that you and who ever is with you gets a good laugh out of my ridiculous words. I don't laugh, but I think everyone else is. Today I came home from a good day at work, walked through the door and thought about shutting myself in the bathroom and cutting my wrists. Why? I have no idea. My thoughts and feelings go up and down so quickly that it's hard to know where I am at any given time. I want to curl up beside you and let you protect me from the world for a little while, maybe read me a story or just let me feel safe. I think we all need that sometimes, I just go about it in a strange way. I want my therapist to see me as a person, not just a client that walks through his door once a week. I want my husband to love me as much as he loves his martial arts. I want to believe that therapy is not just about money. I want to love myself as much as others tell me I can. I don't see many people loving themselves, be they always have advice. Will I ever really know love Happy? Am I lovable? I'm not sure who I can trust, and I am getting more and more lost. My safety plan doesn't work as good as it looks on paper. Just feeling very little right now. mini me-thos Dear mini me-thos, No, I don't get a good laugh at your letters (even though the mini me-thos sign off gave me a chuckle). It's curious that you find me the safest person and yet you wonder if I'm getting a good laugh at your letters. You wonder about your husband loving you as much as he loves his martial arts and your therapist seeing you as a person. Doesn't that start with you? Don't you need to see yourself as a person? Perhaps when you have a good day, you mistrust your own feelings. Or perhaps, you wonder when that good feeling is going to stop and the sky is going to fall. Will tomorrow be a good day? That's one answer I don't have Methos. All you can do is try and see yourself as a person and as someone worthy of love. Perhaps you need to struggle for that feeling every day. It's worth fighting for Methos. As I have said before, keep fighting. happy(willkeeplisteningandwon'tlaughunlessyousaysomethingreallyreallyfunny)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Dear Judi, So that's how you "learned" how to "act" crazy. happy(andaproudunderachievertoo)shrink
Date: October 5, 2001
Hello, I'm a 27 yr old male, and I've got this strange condition that occurs whenever I engage in social interaction. For the past year now, I've noticed that whenever I begin conversing with people I cannot control myself to concentrate on what they're saying, and I yawn. Then I try to focus on not yawning, which just makes me yawn more. This causes the other people in their conversation to yawn. Like I say, this has been going on for a year now, and it's turning me into a paranoid hermit. I don't want to engage in social interaction for this reason, and have been purposely avoiding hanging out with friends and family...it's horrible. On the phone, I'm fine.. It's when I am talking face to face to people that this happens. I am not taking any medications. Is there any medical explanation which would cause this? What should I do? Thanks. GL Dear GL, The first thing I would do is get a complete physical exam by your family doctor. Let him/her know about the yawning problem. There could be a physical problem that may be causing this symptom and medical conditions should be ruled out first. I would also get an eye exam to see if that could contribute to this problem. You may develop eye strain that causes you to yawn. If your eye doctor and your medical doctor find nothing wrong with you, I would then get an evaluation by a psychiatrist. Yawning and/or fatigue during social situations can be symptoms of depressive and/or anxiety disorders. A psychiatrist can evaluate that possibility after all physical possibilities have been exhausted. Don't let this problem turn you into a hermit. Act now and get the help you need. Please let me know what happens after your exams. Good luck. happy(comingoutofhisshell)shrink
Dear Happy, Kin ya blieve it, cuzzin' I was a Sunday skool teacher last week, an' cuzzin' Havina Hotbocks (lot 85) died this mornin' in a freek axident, I gots ta write her oobitchuary. Wood you do me a favor ta fix the spellin' fer me (It bee kinda my week spot)? Havina Hotbocks passed on ta the afterworld on the 5 of this month doo ta a freek axident. Her boyfriend were runnin' a drill with a xtenshun cord on the porch. An' when she shut the skreen door on the cord, it cut inta the wires an' lektracuted her, dead as a doornail. That be a reel loss ta her boyfriend, Pegleg, her dog, Useless an' her friends at the Republican Party. Thar gonna be a service ta the Circle K Park, up by the washhouse at 10 AM Sunday afore she starts smellin'. Rev. Al prezidin'. Airborne gonna take her ta the cematary while the park has a picnic. Y'all Come, an' bringa dishta pass an' a 6 pak. Gind Rinker Dear Gind, I'm so sorry to hear about Havina. I remember her well when I visited Edna two years ago. She was the one with the single front tooth, a big wart on her nose and the red wig, right? Actually, I don't really remember Havina, but most of Edna's friends fit that description. Send my condolences to everyone. I wish I could be (cough cough)there. happy(restinginpeacefortheweekend)shrink
Date: October 4, 2001
Dear Happy, I am not sure if you got my letter or not. Unfortunately I wrote the letter early on the morning of September 11. After writing the letter I found out about this tragedy. My husband Is a NYC firefighter and was there at the scene. I can't describe how I felt. I picked up my children from school and held them close. I paced, I prayed, I cried, and I waited for him to call. The phone would ring but it would be friends and family members asking if I had heard from him. Seven hours later the phone rang it was him. I'm OK he said. It was music to my ears. He was not able to talk that much. My God how many wives waited for the phone call from there husband and never got it. Three days later my husband came home. I held him , I cried, he seemed numb. He stayed for 2 hours and then went downtown again and stayed for 2 more days. He has since then been going to funerals of fellow firefighters and returning downtown to work. We will forever be scared by this as well as all Americans. I can't stop thinking about the wives of these firefighters and the children. People that I met, my children played with their children. Sometimes I feel guilty If I laugh or if I am outside playing with my kids because not to far down the road there are 3 little boys who's daddy will never come home. Please pray for all of us , We really need it. God be with us all. sad Dear sad, Even with the all the visual scenes and stories we were all exposed to on TV, it is hard to imagine what your husband and you have gone through over the past 3 weeks. In the midst of this terrible tragedy, the acts of heroism, sacrifice, and human kindness stand out and hopefully it will continue as we rebuild our city and make our country whole again. I can only say to you that this event, as terrible as it is for you is an opportunity for change. It is an opportunity for you and your husband to communicate better, have an understanding about what is really important and find ways to be a family again. Please stay in touch and let me know how things are going for you. I am sure that in light of your first letter, you have many feelings and issues that still must be dealt with. Just as we need to take care of our families of fire fighters, we also need to take care of the families of mothers, fathers, sons and daughters of fire fighters. Don't neglect yourself sad. I know you won't neglect your family but I am worried about you. Keep writing. happy(willkeeplistening)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I just wanted to respond to JudiBlueEyes’ letter about the woman who said it isn’t hard to be a single mother. First of all, if you’re in state, it isn’t that hard to get in to the University of Michigan. I did it with a 2.5 and no extra curricular activities, although my SATs were OK, and I had a good essay. But, obviously, you can worry about that when the kids are in high school, not when they’re eight years old, like your crack-smoking co-worker. Second of all, as the child of a single mother, I know first-hand what it is like. My mom had some advantages, in that my dad didn’t leave until I was 13 and my sister was 11, so he was around while we were young enough to need constant watching. He also paid child-support and helped out, and my mom has a college degree. But, despite that, she had a lot of trouble finding any job, let alone a good one, and it was a constant struggle for her to go to work, make sure we were taken care of, go to school to get a more advanced degree, and do whatever it was she wanted to do. I probably did not realize that fully at the time, because I was caught up in my day-to-day routine of also going to work and school, and then doing chores and going out. Obviously, I don’t think I really let my mom know that I appreciated her while I was living at home. But, now that I have been on my own for a few months, I can realize how much she really did do. Now that I can see that all I have the energy to do after a hard day is make myself some Spaghetti-os in the microwave and then fall asleep, she seems almost super-human, because I know there were a lot of nights that she cooked a real dinner for us, even when she didn’t want to. Not that she is perfect, because I think she did some things wrong as far as raising us, and we fought all the time while living together, in part because of her problems, not mine. But, she still worked hard to make sure we had food and clothes, and a normal life. So, anyway, JudiBlueEyes, hopefully, eventually, you will have kids who will move away from home and miss you like hell and wish you were around to help them make their beds. Not only that, but hopefully they will be more self-sufficient and flexible for growing up in a household where they couldn’t simply run to Mom and Dad whenever something went wrong, but they had to work harder to solve their own problems and take responsibility. So, your letter has now motivated me to talk to my mom about how much I appreciated her efforts. And, I know it is a damn hard job, so don’t let anyone tell you that there’s anything morally wrong with raising kids on your own, or that it is easy. --JH Dear JH, I'm sure Judi is listening. She's a regular around here. Thank you for sharing your own experiences. Like your mom, Judi is not perfect either. (It's ok to say that; she's already admitted it to me) but she's one hell of a good mom and in a few years her daughters will realize it too. Thanks for giving Judi and me some hope! happy(readytoeatspaghetti-O'sandgotosleep)shrink
Date: October 3, 2001
Respected sir, I have been analyzed by 2 doctors to possess OCD. Another doctor says that I don't have OCD, but it is only a creation of my high desires. I do not perform any compulsions. My only problem is thoughts that hurts me much. They are most of the times violent thoughts which I think is to come from high insecurity feeling. I see scenarios in my mind and I generate a visualized drama in which I myself overcoming the dangers that may happen to me in the distant future. How can I confirm that I have OCD?. Since many doctors have different opinions and since none of them was found to have made any check up, is there any physical tests to know the level of OCD? This is caused by the problems in basal ganglia, serotonin etc. I read that "The use of magnetic-resonance imaging (MRI) and positron emission tomography (PET) have been integral in identifying the specific neurobiological factors in the onset and persistence of OCD". Thanks. Apart from SSRIs' and CBT, is there any other method found so far?. What about psychosurgery? VA Dear Va, I am not aware of any psychosurgery that is used to treat mental illness other than for severe cases of aggression by psychotic individuals. Even in those instances, the surgery is rarely done and only considered as a last resort. You might want to consider seeing a counselor or psychotherapist to talk about your obsessive thoughts. There can links to the past that may be related to those thoughts even though they seem to focus on the future. You might also want to consider a support group if it is available where you live. Whether you actually suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or another mental illness that include obsessive thoughts as one of it's symptoms, you need to find a psychiatrist who will work with you to reduce or eliminate symptoms with a minimum of side effects. You may never be cured of your condition, but you can probably have your symptoms reduced to the point where you can live a normal life. Please feel free to write me again and let me know how you have progressed. happy(normalisboringbutsafe)shrink
Dear Happy, Now that me an' Bubba are managing the "No-Name" Trailer Park, we decided to get us a new truck. I figured that we could make payments as high as $25 a month. The trouble is, we never had a new truck. Last one was made from parts from the yard an' over at the dump. How do we know that we aren't gonna get skunked? Edna Dear Edna, Here are some things to look for in your new truck. I would say that if you can get a truck with at least 50 percent of these quality features, you're doing pretty well and should be very satisfied: 1. The tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags. 2. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill. 3. The hi-tech stereo system doesn't require a new needle as often as the used truck. 4. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in mirror are no better than this piece of crap." 5. The odometer on the dashboard has a number low enough for Bubba to recognize. 6. Traffic Watch no longer has to warn other drivers what highway you're taking. 7. There is a sticker on the windshield that says, "Batteries Included." 8. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coal. 9. You can now go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing. 10. When you approach hitchhikers, they no longer put their thumbs down. Good luck finding a new truck, Edna! Let me know what happens. happy(ontheroadagain)shrink
Date: October 2, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I was talking to a coworker about how tired I was and made the comment "Being a single parent is hard work!" We were passing the open office door of another single parent (of 4, all of them aged 8 and under!) And she hollered out, "No it isn't!!" I stopped and mentioned the problems I was having with my daughters and homework and her reply was, "Well, maybe it is the way you're raising them." She went on to describe how she motivates her darlings by reminding them that they will need good grades to get into University of Michigan, and that's all it takes! I've always held the private theory that some kids are more difficult to raise than others, and the parents who have been blessed with several easy kids have no idea what the rest of us are dealing with. My oldest has been stubborn since birth, has had a lot of difficulties with developing social skills and both girls have had great difficulty in learning to read. Kid #1 was very strong in auditory learning, whereas she could memorize an entire story and recite it word for word just by listening to the "fast" reading group as they read it, but when she got to the same story months later, she could only read a few of the words. Kid #2 is having similar problems with reading and is terrified by bugs, thunderstorms and television news (even when the lead story is not terrorists). Both have had periods of difficulty sleeping. When they are together they can rev each other up to the point where settling them back down seems impossible!! Kid #1 gets resource room assistance at school and kid #2 receives "Title 1" tutoring with reading. They have evaluated her 2 times for special education and she always squeaks in just over their cut-off line for qualifying for special education. Anyway, maybe I am being self-serving in my assessment, but I don't think that my parenting skills are entirely to blame for the difficulties we've had. I think there are enough stubborn, moody, and learning-challenged (the latter on the ex's side of the family, of course!) people in their ancestral gene pool to argue for a "nature" contribution to the nature vs. nurture argument. Any thoughts, Happy? Is my theory totally wrong? I'd let the ex take over the job, except I don't want my kids to go to "Jerry Falwell University" when they grow up! I'd rather send them to U of M! Or even to "Stella's College of Beauty and Charm!! Sincerely, Judiblueye Dear Judiblueye, Always be wary of single moms who proclaim that parenting is easy. How many kids under 8 years of age do you know that are motivated by being told that if they don't get good grades, they won't get into the University of Michigan? Give me a break! So why does someone like your co-worker say things like that? If you scratch the surface just a little bit, you find some heavy duty denial mixed in with anger, martyrdom a lot of other pathologies. It is true that some parents have it harder than others but I don't know any single parent who has it easy. Between financial considerations, time management, keeping house and working it doesn't add up to easy for anybody.... except maybe Ivana Trump. So don't let Miss Goody Two Shoes rain on your parade. Always take comfort in the fact that your job as a single parent, is hard, thankless, overwhelming and never ending. I hope I've brightened up your day Judi. happy(hardthanklessoverwhelmingandneverending)shrink
Dear Happy, Thanks for the laugh!! I will help you pack sandwiches for my mom!! lol Of course she is still here, I refuse to let her get to me anymore. My therapist worked on true and false guilt. Has helped alot!! She is talking to me when I catch her off guard and she forgets she is giving me the silent treatment. I have a couple interested in my house, I hope it works out. I talked to my son's psychiatrist about the Vistarol. He said have him try it one more time (haven't yet). Gave him something else to use for sleep once in awhile. My son has a job interview tomorrow. I hope that goes good for him. When he gets excited he is just like a little boy.....lol ocdnet(helpinghappywiththesandwiches)angel.......................:)
Sounds like you are in a good place emotionally. Keep it up and good luck with selling the house. happy(justlikeaboywhenigetexcited)shrink
Date: October 1, 2001
Happy, This phase of therapy really has me in a rough place. I'm not very secure with the so called safety plan, basically I feel like I am alone. I know that's all in my head, but it gets me into a panic. Within the last month I have gotten lost trying to get home, or gotten confused about how to start the car. Sometimes I guess I just sit in one place and stare for a long time, then I have to try to drive home. So far my husband has been very good at helping but I can tell he is getting tired of it and I am feeling guilty about needing to ask him, or watching him cry. I asked my therapist about calling him, and he said he would do the best he could, but I feel bad about asking him too. I should be able to do this on my own, I am grown most of the time. I don't want to hurt anyone, or cause people to have to stop what they are doing to try and help me. I have become a burden. My husband's
family doesn't even talk to him much because of me. I am hurting
him. If I don't get a grip and stand on my own two feet, I don't feel like
I have any other choice. I won't hurt people, I won't be responsible for
making others suffer. I am trying really hard, but for everything I do I
hurt someone. methos(peoplewouldnothurtsomuchifiweren'there) Dear methos, I think you would hurt the people you love a lot more if you weren't there. Your husband hasn't given up on you. Neither has your therapist and neither have I. Don't give up either. happy(thejourneyisnoteasybutyoucancompleteit)shrink
Dear Happy, Edna asked me to baby sit again last Friday night while she went bar hopping. I hate those little monsters of hers and I'm tired of watching her constantly getting into trouble. Then, while I was driving over to the trailer park to baby sit, I saw this sign off the road. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? JeWitch
Dear JeWitch, No, I never think the same things that you think. Not yet anyway. happy(givingupthinkingfortherestoftheday)shrink
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