Postings from July 1-15, 2001

Date: July 15, 2001

Dear ocdnetangel,

Your mother is overstepping her boundaries as she has in the past. Your parents idea of having your son come and live with them in the past did not result in his getting any better. There denial that he suffers from a serious mental illness sabotages the efforts of the hospital to teach him how to deal with his condition. His living with them now will only serve to hamper his maturing into a self sufficient adult with insight into his condition. 

The problem though, is how far you are willing to go in order to assert your parental rights? Are you willing to have your parents banned from hospital visits and contact with your son while he's there? You do feel you have the right to demand this. If they are driving a wedge between you and your son, then I would strongly suggest you raise that as an option at the staff meeting with the clinicians in the hospital.

No matter how much you mother may "love" your son, she is not his legal guardian. You say you hardly speak to her anymore however, you need to do so. You need to remind her that you will decide where your son lives while he is a minor and she must respect your wishes. The courts have upheld that grandparents do not have parental rights as long as there is a parent who does is competent. Don't let your parents bully you ocdnetangel. Let them know that if they want a relationship with their grandson, they must respect your rights and wishes as his parent. Don't settle for less. It will be to your son's detriment if you do. Please let me know what happens.

happy(doesn'tsettleforlesseither)shrink 

Dear Happy,

You are always so right. I shudda called Edna bout the swimmin' rat, but I goofed. But this brings up a nother sitchiation. When My Earl come home, him beein' a NRA gun lovin' Republican, he just shot the thing with a oozy. (ruint my bucket though) But what's got me worried is bout the future o' my youngin, Harley Dono. Ten year ago, I poisond a rat, an it whent outside ta die. In 3 ours aftern I found it, the ants had peelt the skin an' fur back an' was a swarmin' an' eatin it up, an' it be a biggun too. By suppertime, all that were left be the tale. This time, this beein a little rat, it takin over 2 days fer them ants ta eat it down ta the tale.

Now Bush W, beein' one o' our own, sayed they aint no problims with our country, but, I'mma askin', do you think small rats an' lazy ants is cuzzin' o' Global Warming (I mita spelt that wrong)?

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

It might relieve you to know that the rats up here in the North are just as big as ever. In fact, some of them look just like people. They must agree with President Bush that there is nothing wrong with our country.

happy(feelingwarmandglobalinside)shrink

Date: July 14, 2001

Dear Happy,

I am a 30 year old single mother of one child (6 years old). Four years ago, my cousin and I agreed to rent and share a house together. We split all the household expenses 50-50. Two and half months ago, she got married and her new husband moved in. We all agreed that each of us would then pay a third of the household expenses. This way, we could all save and then they and I could move apart from each other after 6 months to a year.

Last night, my cousin told me that her husband quit his job because he didn't have transportation and that she was demoted at her job and took a pay cut. She asked if the two of us could go back to paying 50-50. I told her that the employment situation for them is unfortunate, but it should have nothing to do with me. Since we are three able-bodied adults, we each should have a share. And since they are married, they are obligated to carry each other's load if one falls short. I told her that I don't think I should be responsible. Also, paying more expenses would delay my savings and eventually moving on my own, which is what I want to do. If I was in a financial situation to pay half, I would do it. I have way more expenses than they do (child care, car note, insurance, school loans, etc.). She said to forget it and now there's tension and I feel badly for turning them down. I've decided to move in the next few weeks, savings or no savings.

They believe that since they are married and are "one", that they should only pay half. I believe it makes no difference. If they were not married, he would have to move out if he couldn't pay. But since they are married then he's entitled to live there. And if he can't pay then she, and not I, has to pay for him. Do you think I am being unreasonable? I feel caught up and trapped. If they don't find a cheaper place before I move, they will be left with all the expenses and no furniture. Staying for the agreed-upon six months to a year now seems like forever. How can I get out of this without causing further tension?

DHS

Dear DHS,

Your living arrangement of sharing a third of the rent and household expenses was something negotiated and agreed upon so you certainly have a valid argument for declining your cousin's request to go back to 50-50. However, you have a relationship with these individuals that also has to be taken into account. You have to consider the issue of friendship as well as your own self interest. Are you willing to lose a good relationship with your cousin because of this situation?

Another thing to consider is that there could be compromises and negotiations. Given the fact that your child also lives there may justify splitting the rent 50-50. However, the household expenses are certainly greater for two adults than one adult and one child. It might be reasonable to have them pay two thirds of the household expenses and one half of the rent. Perhaps you can negotiate some other ways that they can satisfy their obligations through  housekeeping chores or babysitting.  

This is a difficult situation DHS and there is no one right answer. All of you need to be reasonable and open minded. If the tension and animosity continues, it's not worth living together at any cost. If the friendship of your cousin and her husband mean a lot to you, try to work out something you can all live with. Please let me know what happens.

happy(moneyissuesarenevereasy)shrink

Date: July 13, 2001

Franny replies (see her July 5, letter):

Dear happy,

Hey, it's me again, Franny. Thanks for your answer. Here are my answers to your questions: I am 13 and going into the eighth grade. I think these problems started when I was in fifth grade. All I remember about fifth grade is slowly getting really unhappy and it lasted all the way through fifth grade. I don't remember the summer well. In sixth grade I continued feeling unhappy and when my mom noticed, she transferred me to another school. That's when I suddenly became very hyper and happy and elated. I thought this was the real me and I was fine until I became unhappy again. This lasted through the second half of sixth grade and all through the summer. Then in seventh grade I was extremely happy again. I thought I was invincible so I did stupid stuff that got me into a lot of trouble. I was getting bad grades, detentions, I even got suspended once. Then I became unhappy again and I still am now. That is the history of it.

As for the odor thing and everything else, most of my family has OCD, and
that's probably what it is. My brother had it really bad a few years ago. Our doctor put him on Prozac and he's fine now. My father has Bipolar Disorder, and he's taking Prozac too.

As for my parents suspecting, there have been a few events that opened their
eyes a bit. At the beginning of my seventh grade year, I was assigned a
school journal, and i wrote a lot of things down in it. My teacher read one
page on which I wrote about being hyper and not being able to focus and so on
and she showed my parents that. They signed me up for counseling in the
school. I was supposed to be called down to the counselor's office but I
never was. I told my mother and she called the office at my school and told
them to forget it, she'd make an appointment elsewhere. So she played phone
tag with a counselor for about 2 weeks and then stopped. She never said
another word about it. My dad never mentioned it either. My parents are busy
business people, and they don't have a lot of time to do anything but their
work! They're divorced, by the way. 

So in conclusion to that, my worst fear about telling my parents is that my mom would make a huge fuss about it then shrug it off like before. My dad wouldn't care. My relationship with my mom is ok. I love her a lot but sometimes she can be unreasonable and I let her know and be get into fights. but I love her to death. I lover her so much that I have had sobbing fits just thinking about her dying. my dad is just
there. I love him to but we don't really communicate. sometimes I think he tries, but it doesn't work out well. so my relationship with my parents is good. I just cant talk to them. I try.

Nothing traumatic has ever happened to me. I am a typical person. My parents
got divorced, that sucked, but that happens to a lot of people. I got over it.
I don't really care that they're divorced and I don't think it's my fault or anything stupid like that. Uell, that's all. Thanks,

Franny

Dear Franny,

Divorce is very common these days but that doesn't mean it isn't traumatic for kids. Despite the fact that you have made some good adjustments to your parent's divorce and you don't blame yourself, doesn't mean that there aren't some real hurts that still exist as a result of it. You say you love your father but I get more of a sense of ambivalence than love. It also sounds like you have written him off as being too busy to be there for you. Despite the fact that you love your mother very much, you have trouble communicating with her and you fear she may not follow through on helping you. Your thoughts about her dying may be symbolic of your fear that she won't be there for you when you need her.....and you need her NOW.

Given the history of mood and anxiety disorders in your family, you really need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist as well as get counseling. Yes, your mother is busy and perhaps she got overwhelmed a bit when she tried to get you some counseling at the beginning of 7th grade. But I think that if you let her know how you really feel, she will come through for you. I suggest you show her your two letters to me as well as my answers. She can even write me if she needs help in getting you the treatment you need. Talk to her Franny. Don't go through 8th grade being unhappy. Life is too wonderful for that. Please let me know what your mom says.

happy(itsawonderfullife)shrink

Dear Happy,

The Circle K Trailer Park Olympics have begun. I wish you were here. It looks like Bubba may win another gold medal. Here he is with Earl in the finals of the "Ringers'nRimmers" event.

Bubba's the one without the hat by the way. At least you can post this picture because his fly ain't open like last year.

Edna

Dear Edna,

His fly wasn't open on his pants last year either. Actually, he wasn't wearing any pants.... or underwear.

happy(Letthegamesbegin)shrink

Date: July 12, 2001

Dear Happy,

When the Health Department Nurse Conni come yesterday week, I showd her a caccoon I put in a jar with some leaves to turn into butterflies like Mary got. She grows em in her trailer and them a flyin in a glass case in the corner is real purdy. But nurse Stupate sayed it were rat poop. She give me a rat trap and set it with some goverment cheeze. But the rat din't want no part a that thar cheeze. So I put a peece o chitlin in the trap an' sho nuff catched him las nite. But he was still wigglin even with the thing pinchin him at the nek an' sholders. I waited a bunch o' ours, but he jus din't die. So I picked up the trap with the wire thing that hooks ta the bait thing a hangin. I dropped it a couple times when the rat tale smacked my hand. Gross!!! So I got him outside an' put him in the rain. Ours later he was still a floppin' So I called Jewitch an' she said drown him. So I filled a bucket wit water an' threw the trap an' him inner. But the trap was wood and now he aflootin' and swimmin' fer another couple ours. He jist wont die. Kin you give me any Idees. ( Dont tell me ta ask Mary, shees from the other wing o the Republican Party an she aint never seed a rat).

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

You contacted all the wrong people. As soon as you caught that rat you should have called Edna. It would have been on her dinner table faster than you could say the words, "ROAD KILL!"

happy(willskipdinnertonight)shrink

Date: July 11, 2001

Dear Happyshrink,

Jell-O is made of hydrolyzed collagen, which is partially decomposed protein taken from cow and pig hides, hooves, bones, and connective tissue. The protein in these animal materials is broken down with an alkaline solution and then extracted with hot water.

Date: July 10, 2001

Date: July 9, 2001

Date: July 8, 2001

Dear Happy,

Ya axed me "So is Harold doing this job for free or does he get some fringe benefits?" Well, Mary sayd she was hirin' Harold. Fer mosta trailer park fokes, they'd be no question bout the pay bein' booty, but Mary an' Harold is differnt. They smiles when they smell a rose and they been smilin' a lot, but there's a lot o' roses. Give it 9 months.

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

Thanks for answering my question. Gee, I didn't realize they had roses in Florida. But as Mary always says, maybe it's time for all of us to wake up and smell the roses.

happy(smileswhenhesmellanoranges)shrink

Date: July 7, 2001

Dear Sensitive Mom,

Any kind of move is particularly unsettling to children. A move to another country, (even one that speaks the same language) is even more unsettling. I don't know if you can really make it easy for them but I have a couple of suggestions about what you can do to help them make a more positive adjustment. 

If your kids have good friends in Ohio, make sure that you exchange home addresses, email addresses and phone numbers with them. Your kids will feel more secure if they know they can keep in touch with good friends and even call them from time to time. There are many chat programs that can enable kids to chat on line as well. Keeping connected with people back home will ease the culture shock and also help them to stay in touch with their own "roots."

I don't know if this is possible but try to give them as much information about where they will be living, the schools they will be going to, some of the recreational activities available, etc. The more familiar they become with their future environment, the quicker they will adapt.

My final suggestion Sensitive Mom, is find out about the kids who will be living near you. See if you can help your kids to make some connections with kids their own age. Making friends is one of the big obstacles of adjusting to a  move. If you can help facilitate this process, you'll have half the battle won.

My last thought to you Sensitive Mom is for you to work through your own feelings, fears and apprehensions about this move. Sometimes we get so worried about our kids, we forget our own needs that have to be met. Think about how you can best adjust to this new situation. If you are struggling with a new life and a new culture, the kids will also struggle. Work together as a team to make this new life work for all of you. Good luck and let me know how things work out.

happy(workingthroughchangestoo)shrink

Dear Happy,

You should see Mary's yard. Member when I told ya bout her havin' trubble wit her mower? Well, one of Jewitch's boyfriends or husbands (she wont say) Harold, has been hired full time to make trellises an' plant beeeutiful flowers and edge the walk an' stuff. When he lived wit the Witch, he cleaned her frig an' washed the floors and cooked salmon almondeens an' brung home a terrific pay check from a night job at an 888 number talkin' ta women who coudint get none. He got the job when he tol em he coud keep an erection fer 2 hours without usin' his hands.........he says its all in the mind. Anyhow, Jewitch run him off. She said she coudn't stand one mor bowl o' vichyswoz (I maybe spelt that wrong). Mama says she is nuts ta kick out a good man like that. I agree, its hard ta find a good edger.

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

JeWitch's loss is Mary's gain. I bet by the time old Harold is through, Mary will have the best looking yard in all of Orlando. Actually, thinking about the lawns I've seen in Florida, Mary may already have the best looking yard in all of Orlando. So is Harold doing this job for free or does he get some fringe benefits?

happy(canbenefitfromalittlefringe)shrink

Date: July 6, 2001

Dear Happy,

Yep... it's me again. How are things with everybody? I am doing ok, except for that little problem with anxiety. The doctor has increased the Stelazine to 20mg a day and it seems to be helping except for the fact that I am perpetually tired. I guess every solution brings its own problems. I hate relying on medication to solve problems but where I am at the moment there are very few facilities for counseling and therapy unless you have insurance...which I don't. My partner also seems to think I'm taking on too much, and he may be right. Unfortunately I have an over developed sense of responsibility and I take on the world's problems. 

On the other hand worrying about where we are going to get our rent money doesn't seem so abnormal to me. The basic difference between my partner and I is that he is of the attitude that the universe will take care of us and if we just wait it out something will come along. I tend to want to make things happen instead of waiting for them to happen. I am just a little frustrated at the moment and I guess things will sort themselves out. In the meantime is it ok if I use my duvet periodically to hide from reality? I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Regards

Shez

Dear Shez,

Everyone should have what we call in America, a "security duvet" just for moments like yours. There's no harm as long as you get out from under them every once in awhile. I understand that you don't have insurance for therapy, but have you looked into support groups? There are some consumer based mental health associations that have support groups for individuals suffering from a chronic mental illness. Often these groups are free or just a nominal fee to pay for a room and refreshments. I don't know if they have these where you live but they should. Perhaps if you try and start one, you can change the world a little bit. Something to think about. You are not alone Shez and I bet you would be surprised to find out how many people are out there with a similar condition as yours. Thanks for the update and continue to keep in touch.

happy(willspendpartofhisweekendunderhisduvet)shrink