Postings from June 1 - 15, 2001
Date: June 15, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, My partner has a problem with stress. He worries a lot and when something goes wrong, he lashes out. I mean he really reacts out of proportion. He was recently prescribed Kavapyrone-Methysticin for stress. At least that is the German trade name. But I am aware that there is a whole group of similar drugs derived from Piper Methysticum Forster. My question is: how strong is this drug? That is to say, how serious is his problem? I can't help but think that he needs to find practical (not chemical) strategies to deal with his stress. How can I help? Thank you, LM Dear LM, The drug Kavapyrone-Mehtysticin or "Kava" is a herbal or better termed "botanical" preparation that has not been tested by the FDA. There are many "studies" on it's ability to reduce anxiety and produce a relaxed state of consciousness. There is no uniform consensus with regard to a therapeutic dosage. While botanical medications have become very popular, one of the negatives is that they don't really have a lot of data with regard to side effects and contraindications. I don't think that you can determine the seriousness of your friend's problem by evaluating this medication and it's dosage. I would strongly suggest that your friend get a second opinion. I also agree that medication of any sort is not the whole answer. There are ways of reducing stress and if your friend has "anger management" problems, he needs to deal with that in therapy. While it is possible that your friend's problem has a chemical component to it, there is also a strong possibility that something either in his past or present is causing him to over-react. I would urge your friend to explore this issue in psychotherapy. You can help by suggesting this and supporting his seeking the right kind of help. happy(triestoprovidetherightkindofhelp)shrink
Happyshrink, Edna pushed her new USED car into a gas station and told the mechanic, "It died." So he worked on it for a few minutes, until it was idling smoothly. She says to him: "What's the story?" He said: "Nothing too serious - just crap in the carburetor." After thinking for a minute, she asked him, "How often do I have to do that?" When he finished laughing he told me .. "You explain it to her." Now that I am finished laughing ... How about YOU explain it to her ? JeWitch Dear Edna, About twice a week. happy(enoughofthiscrap!)shrink
Date: June 14, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, Whenever people bring up certain subjects, it makes me remember things in my past that hurt. I just want to run away and not talk about them. How can I talk to people about something and not have it make me remember something else? Hates the past Dear Hates the past, If you have so many bad memories about the past that get triggered by everyday conversation, then you need to deal with those memories in therapy. Whether it's unresolved issues with family members, traumatic experiences or personal tragedies, these issues must be dealt with so you can put them in proper prospective and not let them hurt you now. In therapy, you can explore why these memories are so painful to recall and how they relate to your life today. These issues are probably preventing you from being all you can be. Don't let them get in the way of a happy life Hates the past. I am not suggesting that these memories will ever become pleasant, but they don't have pop into your head with every time a friend or acquaintance makes a comment that is somehow related to these memories. Good luck and feel free to write me again. happy(thatatmyageIhaveamemoryleft)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Just wanted to fill you in on the latest from my neighbor Jewitch. Since she started her job it has been real hard to see what the goings on over there are. It's a lot harder to focus in at night with my binoculars and sometimes she even shuts the blinds and I have to go trooping over there and hide in the bushes. My Gilbert says I should stay here an make him another peanut butter and butter and banana sandwich instead of paying attention to that JeWitch. I can't help it though. Spying, er, seeing what's going on at her house is like driving past a freight train wreck - you just can't NOT look. Anyhoo, I just happened to have my window open the other night and what luck! It was so hot that she decided to go out by her fancy pool and she was complaining to that man friend of hers about her flabby thighs. He says to her "What about that gym you were looking into JeWitch - I thought you joined." And she says "I already DID!! And it cost me $400 for a MONTH and I haven't lost a SINGLE (bleepin) POUND!!" .......He looked over at her - thank the maker for the moonlight and clear skies - I could see him perfect through my new Walmart binoculars. Anyway, he looks straight at her, takes her hands in his (I think to keep her from batting at him afterwards) and says "JeWitch, honey, I know you joined that gym and I'm so proud of you and I don't mind the money, but sweetie, you actually got to go there." I couldn't watch (besides, Gilbert needed another sandwich) - I understand that you could hear the swearing for miles. That JeWitch! What a card! Sincerely, Mildred Thigpen Dear Mildred, I have to warn you that if you insist on spying on JeWitch, you will eventually have to enter the "Witness Protection Program." By the way, Those peanut butter and banana sandwiches sound yummy! That Gilbert is one lucky fella. happy(Sothat'swhymyhealthclubmembershipneverworked)shrink
Date: June 13, 2001
Dear Happy, I am 47 years old and every time I go to visit my parents or they come to visit me, they treat me like I am 2 years old again. Honestly, it's becoming very tiring. I myself have grown children and grandchildren and I've tried being polite, but my patience is thinning at this point. For example, my mother will do things like come into my kitchen, put on an apron, and then order me around - set the table, get this, get that, no, don't do that, etc. You get the picture. My father is even worse. They came over in the fall and I was out pruning and he took away the shears! He said "Oh, I don't think you ought to be using those!" Of all the nerve! And if I react, then it's "Don't speak to us that way, young lady" I am NOT a YOUNG lady any more. All I could think of at the time was boy wait 'til you have to go to a nursing home. I wouldn't really do anything hateful to them, but they are annoying beyond words at this point. Do you have any suggestions for how I might stand up to my parents without seeming disrespectful or downright rude in the process? Old Daughter Dear Old Daughter, No matter how old you get to be, as long as your parents are alive, you will be their "young lady." Getting them to change that mind set at this point is not very likely. I don't think that being disrespectful would help either. It would just reinforce their notion that you are behaving poorly. I would try to sit down and talk to them about your feelings. It may not work but its worth a shot. At least you will know that you told them how they make you feel, even if they can't understand it. Perhaps you can meet them for lunch on neutral territory and express your feelings about how they treat you in your home. You have a right to ask them to be respectful to your home and your property (even garden shears). If that doesn't make things a bit better, you may need to limit the frequency and duration of their visits. I know that would make both of you unhappy, but those are your options. It's hard to change years of habit. You have a better chance in changing your reaction to your parents' behaviors than they do of changing those behaviors. That's the real key to this. Put in prospective how often their overbearing behaviors occur. Probably not that often. You might just try to accept who they are and what they do. Good luck Old Daughter. happy(doesn'tgooutinthenightairwithawethead)shrink
Dear Happy, The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. JeWitch
Dangerous: So does this mean you are in a bitchy mood today? Safer: I'm glad you gave this list to your boyfriend. Safest: You are THE BEST!!!!!! love, happy(safestisthetruest)shrink
Date: June 12, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, Have you ever heard of any support groups for people who are afraid of spiders? I found out recently that I suffer from phobic avoidance of spiders and other arachnoids. Thank you for any help you can provide. Fears Spiders Dear Fears Spiders, I have never heard of a support group for arachnophobia. Frankly, a support group may actually empower your fears. Most people who are afraid of spiders find ways to avoid them. If you are suffering from an obsessive fear that you can't keep out of your mind, I suggest you see a therapist. There are cognitive techniques to overcome obsessive thoughts. There are even some medications that can help in extreme cases. Look into the treatments that will best help you live a normal life Fears Spiders. Good luck. happy(stilltryingtoliveanormallife)shrink
Dear Happy, Well, Saturday started out a beeeeutiful day. The boys got a kegger an' we set ta playin horseshoes behind the trailer park clubhouse. Them little horseshoes worked fine till about 1/2 the keg were gone an' the tournament was down ta jist Dui an' Snake. They was havin' such a hard time hittin' that
their stake. So Bubba come up with this here solution. Aftern My Earl got our seat, I
decided ta rince off my face in the sink. When I spotted this heren' rust collered snake peekin' at me from the sink. Course, I let out a blood curtlin' scream an' everone came a runnin' from within' 5 trailers round ours. Coursin' the snake went back down the sink hole an' everone thunk I had had too much sun and Blatz. Sides they wanted ta get back ta the tournament and the beer. I was beginnin' ta think I might have a problem. Jewitch was the only one who believed me. She said ta git some pruning sissors ' when it stuck its head up, cut it off. I were feared to get that close so she sayd, "Lure it ta the kitchen an' when it git ta the garbage disposal, turn it on." The dum shit, we ain't got no disposal. So here I was, left ta my own demize. I run down one of the park cats and shut it in the John. But it thought I was crazy too. So what I'm wonderin' is, what would someone smart as you do bout this problem? Put me on yer couch or what?
PS. Snake won the horseshoes. Dear Gind, That wasn't a snake. Earl was just glad to see you! happy(wanttoseethehorsesthatwearthemshoes)shrink
Date: June 11, 2001
Dear happy, I'm feeling down right now so I though I'd write. Overall, I've been good. My therapist wants to call it quits by I don't like the idea. He says that I am expressing myself a lot better and am involved in activities. Than is true, but I feel more lonely than before. Before I didn't really want to be around people, now I am getting involved in things but still not making any friends. I'm around more people, but I'm not really interacting with them much. It's Saturday now and I'd really like to be around people but I can't think of a single thing to do that puts me in a place to meet people and I'm tired of dong things by myself for the time being. What do people around here do to meet people? Or maybe everyone already knows each other:) It's a pretty small town and I don't want to drive to the next big town. Every time I do I end up spending more time driving and more time by myself. Any suggestions on what to do? Talk to you later Bee_Balm Dear Bee_Balm, One answer is to move to a more populated area that has nightlife activities. It may be a bit scary living in such a place when you are used to a small town, but it's just another hurdle to overcome. You can do it Bee. While I agree with your therapist that you have made a lot of progress, I still believe that there is more to do. As that Cook on the food network, Emeril says, "It's time to kick it up a notch!" It's time to take bigger risks and really make your life what you want it to be. If this therapist can't take you to the next level, maybe you need a new one to take you there. You have been through a lot over these past few months Bee and maybe you are just tired. Get the rest you need but don't get lazy. Continue to work on improving yourself and your lifestyle. It's a good thing that you are not satisfied with where you are at. Keep trying. happy(BAMMMMMMM!!!)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, If I am going to HAVE TO get up at Six-F***ing-Thirty every frigging morning, (note: I said FRIGGING, because 2 f***s in ONE sentence sound a little ANGRY and I have changed.) so I can have time to suck down a single cup of coffee before leaving to go to "the most EXCITING job in the world" .... I need to ask you to PLEASE post your webpage BEFORE making coffee, going to the bathroom, taking a shower ...etc ... I mean, ..... When I wasn't working and was DRAGGING my ass out of bed at noon, ONLY TO CHECK MY EMAIL and then go back to sleep because I stayed up until 3 AM the night before surfing the web, it really didn't matter when you posted your page. But now I have to either check your page from the office (and it is hard to REALLY ENJOY ANYTHING THERE, or WAIT until I get home from work, and by then .. I just don't give a FUCK .. hey .. I have an idea ... I will NOT check your page from work today ... and I will NOT check it when I get home ... I will look at it tomorrow morning when I get up and see a NEW page if I continue this ritual daily ... AND ... I can work it so that on Saturday's I can see TWO PAGES in one day .. CLEAN HOUSE ALL DAY SUNDAY and NOT check your page until Monday morning ... YEAH .. that's the plan ... NEVER MIND hurrying to do your page in the morning before 7:45 when I leave for work ... See how reasonable I have become ?? I am a NEW WOMAN since I had my gall bladder removed. JeWitch ... Dear JeWitch, I realize that you won't see this page until tomorrow but on Monday's I suggest you cut down on the caffeine. Even though you are a "new woman," you never know when a homicidal urge will turn up. happy(beveryverycareful)shrink
Date: June 10, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I forgot to pick up my son from his appointment today. I never even thought about it. He was waiting for me for over 2 hours until he got through on the phone. I haven't felt this terrible for a long time. Thank God he's a good sport and I did some major sucking up including a trip to McDonald's for dinner. (yes, with McFlurry desert). I am having some similar things happen at work - lack of concentration, motivation, feeling overwhelmed with no real reason, and just tired. But I have never forgotten a kid! His therapist was very kind and offered to bring him home should he need ride. What do I do now? How will this get better for me? Can you see far enough into the future to know what will happen to me? Loyal Listener Dear Loyal Listener, It sounds to me like things are pretty stressful in your life right now. When that happens, concentration, motivation, energy levels and even the ability to have a good time may suffer. If you can find ways to lessen the stress in your life, I would try to do so. If you are in therapy, it would be a good idea to discuss what's happening to your therapist. If you are not in therapy, you might want to consider that as a way of dealing with your stress. Like most working moms, you plate is probably very full all the time. Even so, there are issues that make things even tougher. Try to identify what those issue are and do something about them. If you want to talk with me further on this, please feel free to write me again. Good luck. happy(forgottenmanymanythings)shrink
Happy, Dear JeWitch, Come to think of it, I may as well buy a lawn mower this weekend. happy(oneofthesedays,I'llgetmealawn)shrink
Date: June 9, 2001
Hey Happy, I am at the library using the computer. It is so much faster than mine at home. I have had a lot going on. My son is now locked in Detention, he went awol from his therapeutic group home. I am not sure what is going to happen. We are working on getting him in a RTC lock up. It takes time. He is on one waiting list. He has been having hallucinations, but it is hard to say if it is real or manipulation. Just can't take chances with something so serious. He has claimed to have seen and heard voices since a young age. This is not something new. Anyway we go to court tomorrow and will know more. I am holding up ok, just with all the other kids, I have no energy, this is taking all the strength I have. Causing lots of headaches, the doctor gave me some meds for that. It is putting a strain on the whole family. I really did not write in to ask a question, just felt like talking a little bit. Thanks for listening, ocdnet(thankfulforhappy'sears)angel
Sometimes the best thing I can do is not give advice and just listen. Please feel free to use my ears anytime. happy(thankfulhe'sgotbigears)shrink
Happy, I borrowed this 8mm movie camera and I've been makin a home movie based on the musical "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." Except my version is a little different .. I am using rabbits instead of humans .. and there is only ONE brother. We'll see. Edna Dear Edna, I wasn't sure before but now I am convinced. Your family has definitely consumed too much road kill! happy(passthehotsauce...quick....please!)shrink
Date: June 8, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, Last week I was putting new sheets on my son's bed and found a dirty magazine when I decided to flip his mattress. I haven't said anything to him yet and don't even know whether or not to let it go. He is 15 years old and although I'm not sure about how he got the magazine, I'm almost positive that those things are not impossible to come by. The only fly in this ointment is that he's looking at gay porn magazines. Truthfully, I have wondered about his sexual orientation a time or two, but have not quizzed him about it because he's still a young man and probably doesn't know what he wants. He knows how to be safe in all situations and what the basic do's and don'ts are of going out on a date with anyone. He is polite and respectful and actually quite popular with most of the girls in his class and at school. I see 2 separate issues here that I need to deal with - 1 is whether or not to cop to finding the magazine under his mattress in the first place. I could just let that go frankly because I'm not sure that there's a boy alive who doesn't see that stuff at one point or another. My son is responsible, a good student and he talks with me about what's on his mind. So I'm not really worried that he's going to get the wrong idea about something that he sees. It's the fact that it's a strictly gay magazine with strictly gay models in it. Not that I minded - some of them were real hunks. But it brings up the question of his sexual preferences. And this is where I'm feeling like I have to walk the line. If I approach him and he clams up then what? If I just wait for him to say something, it could be years of agony for him to decide whether to tell me when I have already suspected this for years even at this point. He knows that I have no problem with anyone in the gay and lesbian community and would be accepting of him with whoever he's with because the one thing that will not change is who HE is. So far - a very kind, decent, funny caring young man who I'm very proud of, (but who should flip his own mattress from here on out perhaps.) What do you think Happy? I just want him to be happy with who he is and where he decides to go with his life. I have never chosen his path for him, but I've been with him. Sometimes walking beside him, sometimes running ahead of him, other times lagging behind him at a distance, but always there. Help me make a choice that will have a positive outcome. Thank you. I have been reading your column now for over 2 years and must say that I enjoy it all the time. I hope you had a good birthday as well. Unwitting Detective Mom Dear Unwitting Detective Mom, Your son is very lucky to have a caring and open-minded parent who gives him unconditional love. That's the only choice that's really important. At 15 years of age, there is a lot of stuff going on inside of him regarding his sexuality. You can help him by being there for him as you have in the past and letting him know that your are there for him whenever he needs help. Lots of kids don't feel like they can really talk to their parents. I'll bet your son does. As far as the magazine is concerned, I would leave it alone. Keep up the good work. happy(justthrewoutmyNationalGeographics)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Doctor Remulak Dear Doctor Remulak, Actually that's what I thought may have happened to you! I haven't seen or heard from you in a very long time. Glad you are back and still practicing medicine. I'm still looking up the generic name for the drug: "Pina Colada" Maybe you can whip up another batch? happy(whenhe'smedicated)shrink
Date: June 7, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, So I got this stupid Instant Messenger thingy from Yahoo. There I was minding my own business (reading my e-mail or playing games or maybe searching for a new job) when this message pops up for one of my alter-ego nicknames (Cancerdoublevirgo). "Hi! I'm a hot muscular man who's looking! And u?" it says. So I replied, "I'm a BBW. And..." The reply I got was "Sorry." So I said, "Sorry for what?" The answer was "Not looking for a BBW." So tell me, If someone is popping into my living room uninvited to chat, shouldn't they be polite enough to offer some conversation before they dis me for being honest? I wasn't looking for some cyber-adolescent to interrupt what I was doing, either. It is not like the creep was ever going to actually SEE me so what difference does it make what size I am? Grrrrr. Anyway, I talked my way into a couple of unpaid weeks off by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Since I now seem to be dispensable I am hunting for a new job. Actually, being knee deep in beanies sounds like fun! Sincerely, Judiblueye Dear Judi, When you are a "hot muscular man who's looking" that also probably means you are an ass hole. How many thoughtful, interesting and decent people would introduce themselves in that manner. So you can't really expect politeness. At least he said , "Sorry." The Internet is an easy place to lose sight of the fact that their are a lot of idiots, shmucks and predators out there. I don't really know which categories this guy fits into, but I'm glad that I get to talk to a BBW named Judiblueye. She makes me laugh. She's real and not anywhere near as annoying as she thinks she is. So I hope you get a better job now that you have a little time to look. I think the place you work at seems to fall into the same category as that hot muscular man out there. You deserve better Judi. happy(GoJudi!)shrink
Dear Happy, After readin' your worryin' bout Harley's eyes, I decided ta ask the health nurse when she comed a visitin'. She axed what we named her and I tol her the story bout Shank and his woman on their motorcycle at the What Not Inn. When they was climbing on that hog, I tol her how I spotted the name Harley in gold on the side. She says, "What a purdy name, Harley Dono". After lookin' at Harley's eyes, she reckonned that her bein' so puny a born, she'd hafta grow inta them big eyes. She sayed not ta worry. But when My Earl fired up a cigarette, she went inta some kinda hissy and sayed we kain't smoke with a baby in the house. So after she left, I fired up, and I set Harley out on the porch. I don't really seem ta be katchin on ta all the new rules with babies these modern times. Momma don't understand it all either. Gind Rinker Dono Dear Gind, Your momma didn't have all those modern ideas about child rearing and look how you turned out?..... Well on second thought, maybe you should listen to that health nurse. happy(thankyouforgivingmymommagoodadviceDr.Spock)shrink
Date: June 6, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I have been feeling very guilty lately about something and even thought about going to see someone face to face, but I don't know if I can be turned in for this. In 1996 I was driving home and it was late at night. I live in upstate New York and it was pretty snowy. I drove past a hitchhiker and even though I have a very strict personal policy of not picking up hitchhikers I felt pretty bad that this person was out in the snow. After driving on for another 10 minutes, my conscience got the better of me and I turned around and went back, but he wasn't there. I started to think that maybe I had the wrong spot and so I cruised back and forth looking for him. I hadn't seen another car and so I was pretty sure that no one else had picked him up. I was pretty certain that I remembered where I was when I passed him and so I stopped and got out of the car and began looking for him. Ok, this is pretty weird, but by now I thought maybe he had become cold or something and, I don't know. I just looked for the guy and I finally found him. He had gone into the trees and to be honest it scared me to death because he had to have been watching me the whole time. I don't know what came over me, but I was suddenly looking right at this guy and I screamed and started running back to my car. He called after me to wait and I ran to my car, jumped in and I swear that I meant to put the car into drive, but I was so scared that I put it in reverse instead. I saw him run out from the trees behind the car and I backed into him! He was right behind the car and I didn't go more than just a little bit - it didn't even knock him over. But I know that I hit him. I put the car in drive and got out of there and left him. I could not get the picture of him out of my mind. He was standing right in back of my car and I saw him in my rear view mirror with the reverse lights and the brake lights. I felt the car thump against him and saw him kind of stagger back. I also saw when I left that his suitcase had popped open and whatever was inside had just spilled out everywhere. I feel so terrible that I just left him but I wonder what he was doing in the woods just watching me like that. If he saw a car why didn't he come out or something? I know, it's just an excuse because I did something stupid and then I didn't even tell anyone about it. I don't know where to start. Confession or counseling. All I know is that for some reason this is haunting me now and I can't get it to go away. Please help me in the right direction. Memory Prisoner Dear Memory Prisoner, This experience qualifies as traumatic and I believe that you are experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In retrospect, it might have been a better idea to have called the State Police when you got home and let them know where you spotted this hitchhiker. Even in a snowstorm, picking up hitchhikers are dangerous and your first instinct to not pick him up was probably a good one. You can't rewrite history Memory Prisoner, but you can work out your inner conflicts over this situation. I would suggest you see a therapist. Talking about it will help you to put this experience in prospective and enable you to move on with your life. Please let me know how things work out. happy(safetyfirst)shrink
Date: June 5, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I hope that you will keep me anonymous. I have this problem that is very embarrassing and I don't know what to do about it. I am going to go home shortly for the summer to stay with my parents and I don't want them to know about this. I was, actually am, still a virgin. I think I am anyway. I was sort of serious about this guy for awhile and although we never went all the way, we kind of tried. It was pretty much a disaster. He thought that he was penetrating me but I didn't feel anything and after trying a few times he just sort of gave up. I don't know what happened. The problem is not that and we used protection so I don't have any diseases and I'm not pregnant. The problem is that before this happened, I never gave much thought to that area of my body. Now it seems to be all I think about. I'm, well, ok, how to say this. I'm lubricated most of the time. I don't have any idea of what to do about it and it's not too comfortable and I'm not sure about how to make it stop. I would be mortified if I had to say this to a doctor and I can't tell my parents because I would also die from embarrassment. I just wish things would go back to the way that they were before this. Can you please tell me if there is anything I can do to just get this to stop or does it go away on its own? Anonymous Dear Anonymous, While your first attempt at intercourse may have been a disaster, it certainly woke up your sexual urges. I have two suggestions for you. I would make an appointment to see a sex therapist. It sounds to me like you have very little experience with your sexuality and it might be a good idea to get some suggestions on how to satisfy some of your sexual urges. Having this ability comes natural to some people and is more difficult for others. While it may be somewhat embarrassing, most sex therapists are very good at making you feel comfortable when talking about these things. By satisfying your urges, you will be able to enjoy your arousal and perhaps control it's frequency. The other thing I would do is make an appointment to see a gynecologist. While I doubt that you have any medical problems, it's always good to get things checked out just to make sure. Please let me know what happens. happy(alwaystryingtocontrolhisurges)shrink
Dear Happy, My mom and I had a real heart to heart last night .. she sat down with me and said ..... JeWitch ..... A time
comes in your life when you finally get it....when, in the midst of all
your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the
voice inside your head cries out ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a
child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside,
you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look
at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's
time to stop hoping and waiting for someone to change....or for
happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. By the time she was done I was laughing so hard I could hardly catch my breath .. I had downed an entire 6 pack and was half way through my second ... WHAT A NUT CASE she is ... JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I was thinking the same thing about your mom. She actually thought you were ready to hear all that stuff? What a moron! happy(timetosendmomtothenursinghome)shrink
Date: June 4, 2001
Dear Happy, My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and my pediatrician has advised us to limit his intake of sugar. Whenever we would leave him with my parents, they would fill him up with ice cream, cake and candy. I explained to them that they shouldn't be doing this but they don't listen to me. They don't acknowledge that my son has ADHD and they say that all children should enjoy candy and ice cream. I want my parents to spend time with my son and they are wonderful grandparents in every other way. How can I make them understand that they could be doing something harmful to their grandson? frustrated mom Dear frustrated mom, Perhaps you can have your mother or father go with you to your son's next visit to the pediatrician. If they won't listen to you, they might listen to a physician. If this doesn't help, you might have to insist on supervised visits until they are willing to respect your wishes. I hope it doesn't come to that frustrated mom, but your priority must be your son's well being. Did you and your parents have power and control issues in the past? If you have, this might be one of many issues that you and your parents need to work out. Especially now that you are a mom and an adult. Some parents find it hard to acknowledge this. Please let me know if this is part of the problem. happy(tryingtobepartofthesolution)shrink
Dear Happy, Now that I am a grandmother.... I mean auntie, I have to memorize all these nursery rhymes. My granddaughter....I mean niece loves them. The only problem is, I don't remember them exactly and I have had to ad lib a little. How close am I to the original? Mary had a
little lamb Pardon me, I'm myself today. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Your kids might want to consider supervised visitation when little JeWitch visits granny.... I mean auntie. happy(wisheshewassomeoneelse)shrink
Date: June 1, 2001
Dear Happy, Yesterday, I found out that my daughter had sex for the first time. She has been seeing a boy for about 6 months and they are going to graduate at the end of this month from high school. It was their "farewell" gift to each other. I didn't handle the news very well, mainly because she told me that it was "spontaneous" and that they did not use any protection. I'm afraid the lecturing went on into the night and I took her to my OB/GYN this morning, where she was given an emergency contraception shot to prevent her from becoming pregnant. She was very angry with me and I have been thinking that I haven't done the best thing. My instinct was to protect my baby and not understanding that she isn't a baby any more. I thought about her future, her college plans, which she has had to work very hard for and seeing it all go up in smoke if she becomes pregnant. I have spoken with her about these things, about pregnancy, about AIDS, but when it came down to the wire, she showed very poor judgment. Of course, she isn't speaking to me at all right now and I feel very bad, but very angry also. I feel that my values have been betrayed and that she threw herself away for a boy who won't matter in a year. I am angry with her, but feel very guilty about the way I handled things. Can you give me some advice on what to do now? Worried Mom Dear Worried Mom, Did you ever show very poor judgment growing up? I'll bet you did. I think you also realize that you showed poor judgment in the way you handled this situation too. Did you always listen to the "good" advice your parents gave you? I understand your feelings and need to protect your daughter. By taking her choices away in this instance, you may have given her a reason to rebel against your control. When she goes away to college, the potential for risky activity is much great than it is now. What will you do then? Nothing, because you won't know about it, and at this point you have given your daughter a reason to mistrust you. Kids seek advice when they don't feel that they will be judged. Your actions have compromised your relationship with your daughter and you will need to repair it if you want her to trust you again. How about an apology for starters? Maybe you can admit to the poor judgment you have shown. You daughter may realize that she has a imperfect mom, but she just may like you better for it. Let me know how things work out. happy(imperfectdad)shrink
Dear Happy, My boyfriend bought me a mood ring for Christmas last year. When I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a BAD MOOD .. it leaves a red mark on my boyfriends forehead. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I remember the previous year when your boyfriend got you a fruit cake for Christmas. That left a mess all over his face. My suggestion to your boyfriend is that next Christmas, he get you a gift certificate........at a linen store. happy(likessoftthings)shrink
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