Postings from March 1-15, 2001

Date: March 15, 2001

Dear Tilt-weary,

I am glad you are reading and one of the books you have chosen is among my favorites: The Feeling Good Book. 

Perhaps more important than Mindfulness or Acceptance is Humor. (Isn't it a surprise that I would bring that up!) Being able to look at life with humor, even the cynical kind helps to put things in prospective. I remember a phrase of dialogue in the tale/play/movie "Fiddler on the Roof." Tevye, the "papa" speaks of his oldest daughter and his son-in-law, "....but when they look into each others eyes with love, they don't seem to realize how miserable they are."  Maybe that's the mindfulness that we all need Tilt-weary.... even if a loving thought only lasts for a brief moment and then we have to immerse ourselves in the miserable day to day hassles of life. 

Humor can also turn our anger and bitterness into something that makes us feel better and even empowered. One of the things I do when I'm really pissed off at the whole world is imagine that I have the power to disintegrate people just by thought control. Then I make a list of all the people I want to vaporize:

Sadaam Hussein, all terrorists, all child molesters, all murderers, all batterers, all the people who voted for Pat Buchanan, mean teachers, rude and dishonest cab drivers, all lawyers, anyone passing me on the Henry Hudson Parkway, people who take 20 or more items to the 10 items or less check out counter...... Yes I always go a little bit too far. Once my list included the Indiana Pacers and Slim Whitman. Then I think to myself, its a good thing I don't have the power to vaporize people. But I do have the power to treat people kindly, drive safely, only take 10 items to the check out counter, show good sportsmanship when my favorite basketball team loses and not listen to Slim Whitman records.

Ain't life grand?

happy(mindfulandaccepting)shrink

Happy,

Remember I told you about my new job as the Circle K Alternative High School Lunch Lady ?? Well, I just received the nicest thank you note from the school football coach Mr. Lipshitz. I want you to see it .. GEEZ .. I think I am actually blushing.

Edna

Dear School Lunch Lady,

I seen how you looked at me today when you heaved that glob of ham and beans onto my tray and I that you winked at me when you dropped that hunk of cornbread on there too. And I know it weren't my imajination neither that you give me more then my share of that green Jello what has the grapes and other crap floating in it. I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here. You want me. But that's o.k.-becuz I want you, too.

I got to admit, I've had my eye on you for a long time on account that your such a good cook. I've always liked your chewy gray mashed potatoes, your runny butterscotch pudding and your fried chicken what has the little chicken hairs hiding underneeth the greasy skin. I'll never forget when you made egg salad sandwiches-them egg shells was real tasty and crunching on them helped take a person's mind off the moldy bread that you served it on. I only wished my mother could have cooked as good as you-but then, my mother was always too busy hanging out at the truck stop trying to pick up truckers or sitting up at the bar trying to hustle free drinks off of lonely men. She said, them places frowned on a person sitting around reading cookbooks. Anyhow, she said, there weren't nothing in them cookbooks that were any better then what she fed me all the time, which was frozen burritos and Diet Pepsi. (I ain't complaining, but it wood have been nice if she'd a cooked them burritos once in a while instead of making me eat them like a popsicle all them years-but then, maybe everybody's mother's like that, I don't know.)

Anyway, back to you. Your kitchen skills really turn me on and I'd like to set me up a date with you. How about we get together at your place and you can whip me up one of your specialties-like your famous "Rock-hard Biskits with Dog Food Gravy"? I'll give you a call about midnight or 1 a.m. sometime this weekend after I'm done drinking with my frends and you can rustle me up something. (Wow, listen to me, I sound like I'm married to you or something!)

Coach Lipshitz

I guess you are becoming a real social climber. The coach sounds down right charming compared to Bubba. And with a school teacher's salary, you may get that dream trailer even sooner than you think. I guess it's true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.... or was that another part of his anatomy? 

happy(feelingabitnauseous)shrink

Date: March 14, 2001

Dear Happyshrink,

I am a nurse and I have been noticing a few black nurses are trying to lower my self-confidence. For instance, I hear them talking about me losing their computer printouts and saying that I misplaced their papers. I have been a nurse for 37 years and make a good salary at one of the well known hospitals in the New Orleans area. I am very intelligent and feel as though they are jealous of me or trying to make me quit my job.

I have a dilemma and I do not know how to handle this situation. I do not want to start becoming paranoid or start hollering on the job, but I am so depressed about this . I hope you can give me some insight on how to handle these arrogant nurses. thank you. Have a nice day.

RN

Dear RN,

I have a couple of thoughts on this matter. Firstly, I would speak to these nurses individually and ask them if they have a problem with you. Tell them that you want to have a positive professional relationship and if there is anything that is bothering them, you would like to know so you can correct it. By speaking to them individually, you avoid them ganging up on you and by showing your interest in resolving their issues and being able to make changes, you show yourself to be open minded and flexible.

Another thing you can do is see someone in the Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Most large metropolitan hospitals have an EAP on site and they may be able to offer advice and assistance in resolving this problem. Some programs will even do conflict resolution if necessary. It is a resource you should not hesitate to take advantage of.

Lastly RN, I am troubled by the fact that you identified these nurses as being black. Would you have identified them as being white if they were white? Do you have a bias (conscious or unconscious) that is being conveyed to them? Clearly race is an issue here and it may be a problem on both sides. Respect is a two way street that must be given in order to be received. You may not think of yourself as being biased, but in reality, everyone is biased. How we respond to our biases and how we try to overcome them is what enables us to appreciate diversity and not fear it. I don't want to put you on the defensive RN. As a professional of 37 years, I am sure that your heart and soul is in the right place, however no one is so accomplished in their career that they can't learn a thing or two from people with less experience or knowledge. Your willingness to value others will help others to value you.

happy(stilllearningathingortwoeveryday)shrink

Dear Happy,

It snowed last night - AGAIN! I am tired of snow. In fact, I HATE SNOW! I LOATHE SNOW! Snow SUCKS! I HATE SHOVELING, PLOWING, SCRAPING, SHUFFLING AND WIPING SNOW OFF OF EVERY DAMN THING THAT I OWN! I DESPISE EACH FLAKE!!! I AM TORMENTED BY EACH CRYSTAL THAT FALLS FROM THE SKY - MOCKING ME AS I USELESSLY SHOVEL AND SHOVEL AND SHOVEL!!! WHY DID I MOVE TO THIS GODFORSAKEN STATE THAT IS COVERED IN SNOW??!!!

In short, I don't like snow any more. I wish it would melt and leave me the hell alone.

Love,

Wind(Ihatesnow)NWillows :(

Dear WindNWillows,

Maybe you should move to New Jersey where Reverend Al hates snow almost as much as you!

happy(haveyoutakenyourmedicationyet?)shrink

Date: March 13, 2001

Happy,

What do you mean alliance with my therapist against my pyschiatrist.  It was because I was new to therapy and rather get mad and dump the whole idea about getting some help I thought she might be able to help me find a new shrink and still stay in therapy. Its at the hospital and they have like three shrinks and ten therapists.

I wrote about my Eskalith-Lithobid reaction problem. Well shrink put me on Eskalith again he said it wasn't the meds that caused it it was the size of the dose and as the size of the dose goes up I might get more side effects  even on Eskalith.

the (this is not suvivor)weasel

 

Dear weasel, 

Rather than go round and round this issue I have a more important question for you; what do you want to say to your therapist? Do you want to raise the issue of trust with her? If her going to your psychiatrist and sharing what you said to her is going to affect your treatment, I would urge you to work that out with her. Working it out with me is not that important. 

As far as the side effects of the meds you are on is concerned, it is true that they may emerge as your dosage is increased. Both Eskalith and Lithobid can have some significant side effects. Usually these side effects lessen as your body adapts to the medication. I suggest you continue to take the new meds and report your side effects. If they persist, your psychiatrist should adjust the meds again.

Lastly weasel, this IS SURVIVOR! Everyday is another episode of living and surviving. Don't get yourself voted off the island.

happy(stillontheislandandstillsurviving)shrink

 

	Dear Happyshrink,    I know you've been really busy lately and we haven't had much time to talk but all of a sudden I got me this great oppertunity and so I'm taking off to take advantage of it. I'm heading to L.A. (that stands for Loss Angellis) to do a screen test for the hit series BAYWATCH!
Now, I always knew that my large chest wood open doors for me--and not just in the litteral sense either (becuz my chest extends way beyond my out-stretched arms) but also in the mettoforical sense in that all sorts of oppertunities wood come up on account that my boobs is big. And this BAYWATCH deal is a prime example. You remember, I wrote that best-selling book, "The Bordellos of the Circle K Trailer Park" (which was my account of my years in the stripping and prostitution trades here in Orlando). Well, this BAYWATCH producer happened to read that book and he really loved it. He particularly loved all the foldouts in the book and he said more best-sellers needed foldouts because sometimes all those pesky words in a book just got in the way of good entertainment.
The producer told me on the phone that he was impressed with my 42DDD qualifications and he'd love to have me as a regular on the show but the real test wood be how I looked on film when I'm running down a beach in a bikini. He said some gals can look great in the standstill mode but if they're running and they don't got good synchronized breast movement, then they just don't make the cut. Unsynchronized breast movement can make or break you in Hollywood, he said. If when you run, you got you one boob going here and another going there, well, you might as well pack your bags and it don' matter how well you do Shakespeer--you're out. So, wish me luck and say a little prayer for me for when I'm running down the beach out there that my hooters will be moving in unison. (I wood practice that before I go but there ain't no beaches in Orlando for me to run along, so's I'll just have to wing it.) Edna

Dear Edna,

I don't want to put a wet blanket on your hopes and aspirations but I have to remind you that you don't know how to swim. Ok, I know you can float but I think they want a little more action in the water if you catch my drift. Too bad Pam Anderson left the show. You could have done a great job playing her mom. Good luck anyway. Maybe they will be satisfied with the action you can do out of the water!

happy(thatEdnaisunsinkable)shrink

Date: March 12, 2001

Dear ocdnetangel,

I'm glad you got to see a doctor and you had a positive experience. As long as you take the medications as directed, they should be helpful and not pose a problem. I would prefer that your anxiety meds were prescribed by a psychiatrist, but hopefully you will get in touch soon. Psychiatrists will not pick up the phone if they are in session so most of the time they will need to call you back. I would strongly urge you to leave a message. You will feel better once you do that. Keep up the good work ocdnetangel. I know how tough it's been and how hard you've worked.

happy(andhardworking)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

Let me tell you something that Edna has never mentioned about the school that her kids are attending. Recently, a disturbing discovery was made about the head football coach at the Circle K Alternative High School. It was revealed that Coach Howie Lipschitz, who was hired in 1999 as both a head football coach and a math teacher, has no valid degree in mathematics. In fact, the Coach, who spent eight years at the Okoboji College in Okoboji, Iowa holds only an Associate of the Arts degree which qualifies him to teach nothing. While this was disappointing, it was also noted that since the Coach was hired, the Circle K Fighting Soybeans have come much closer to winning their football games. The Coach seems to be able to motivate the players and inspire them to be better organized on the field. 

The Coach's math students, on the other hand, have displayed serious difficulty with fractions, decimals and simple algebraic equations. This may be due to the fact that the Coach refers to fractions as "little sissy numbers with a slash between them", to decimals as "stupid dot numbers" and algebraic equations as "numbers with some goofy alphabet letters throwed in". It was revealed that instead of covering these mathematics units, the Coach was having his pupils do sit-ups, push-ups and leg lifts in class. His exams consisted of running fifty laps around the gym and bench pressing 150 lbs. Consequently, not only were many of his students failing, many were also suffering from pulled muscles and shin splints.

When confronted with this by the Putzburg School Board, Coach Lipschitz defended himself by asking" Well, really, what's more important-football or mathematics?" The Board debated this question for about three hours before it was put to a vote. The Board then concluded that the Coach should be retained and mathematics should be dropped from the curriculum. 

On another matter concerning the Coach, seven female teachers charged the Coach with sexual harassment earlier this year. They alleged that since the Coach was hired, he had repeatedly pinched them and made lewd remarks about their anatomy. Last week, these seven teachers gave the School Board an ultimatum: either fire the Coach or all seven of them would submit their resignations. The School Board wants to thank them for their years of fine service and wishes them all luck in the future.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I can tell by the tone of this letter that you are not a big fan of Coach Lipschitz. Ok, so he's not great in academics and he's a bit of a male chauvinist. You have to consider that this is Florida and you are talking about football. Considering the last Presidential Election, nobody is that good in math in the State of Florida anyway. I'll even bet that Coach Lipschitz can count better than Jeb Bush. So who would you rather teach the kids at the Circle K Alternative High School; a real man like the Coach or that joker of a Governor you have down there?

Lastly JeWitch, don't you think that the Coach's sticking it out for eight years at the Okoboji College in Okoboji, Iowa and getting his Associates degree is an inspiration to these kids? It's not like any of them are going to be accepted to Orlando Community College or some other prestigious school. Let them have their football glory and enjoy their formative years. Life will not be that kind to them later on so they may as well enjoy themselves. Hail Coach Lipschitz!

happy(guesswhatpartofmybodyiswhistling)shrink 

Date: March 11, 2001

Dear Tilt-weary,

Your letter raises a lot of interpersonal issues between you and your boyfriend that can best be answered in couples counseling and not with a clever answer from happyshrink. I would like to address an issue that affects the relationships of many men and women. Without getting into the whole men are from Mars and women are from Venus shtick, there are major differences in how men and women communicate. Let me preface by saying that the comments I am about to make are generalizations and there are major exceptions. 

Men don't like to talk about feelings. If you ask them how they are, they are likely to say, "OK" or "good" without going into details. They are more comfortable with the pragmatic. If they have a problem, they want it solved; they don't want empathy. Knowing that you have had the same pain is of little comfort. If you perceive they are giving you the silent treatment, that could be inaccurate. It may have nothing to do with you. Asking a man if he is mad at you can make him feel like you are taking his pain personally without understanding it. 

Women love to talk about feelings. They love going into detail about how their day went. They have a greater ability to empathize because that is what they would like from others. When a woman shares a problem with you, she doesn't want it solved. She wants you to understand what she is going through and validate her feelings. If you get the silent treatment from a women, you are probably in "big trouble."

Given these simplified over-generalizations tilt-weary, perhaps you can understand how your boyfriend feels. Now for some good news. There are things that both men and women like when they are feeling bad. They like to be hugged. They like reassurance and letting them know that you are there for them without "taking over." Did I mention they like being hugged?  If I did, that's OK. You can hug him twice. I bet he'll like it twice as much.

happy(sometimesfeelslikeElmo)shrink

Dear Happy,

Well, things is going okay here, I guess. I still watch Sally Jessie everyday before I go to work at the Dew Drop Inn and I still read the National Enquirer every night before I go to bed AND I'm still pregnant with Pat Robertson's baby.

Other then them things, not much is new-EXCEPT we got us some troublesome new neighbors out here at the Circle K Trailer Park. Now you remember, I live on Lot #54 and for years I had me the perfect neighbors. On Lot #53 was an unemployed fella who liked to drink all day and yodel all night and on Lot #55 was a gal who had her seven kids out of wedlock. These folks was great neighbors - they threw litter in their yards, played their country and western music real loud and didn't worry about dum crap like mowing their lawns or whether or not they shood overhaul their transmissions in their front yard.

Well, now all the harmony as all gone to hell, becuz that gal with all the kids got her a Section 8 house in town and she moved out…and you ain't going to believe who moved in! I shood have knowed they was trouble becuz when they pulled up to unload their crap into the trailer, I noticed that they didn't have no rust on their car. And I shood have been tipped off by the fact that they called their kids by their names and not by names like "Little Shit" or "Sawed-off son-of-a-bitch". But then, I reckoned I'd give them the benefit of the dout until I met them. But let me tell you, it didn't get no better…

This family started doing all kinds of crazy shit like clearing the car tires off their lawn---AND THEN THEY MOWED IT. Then they hauled off and started planting flowers and repairing the cracks in the cement drive. Then they built a big deck and get this-they got a fancy gas grill and set it out to have barbecues! What a bunch of FREAKS! They're never going to fit in here! I hope to hell the owner of the Circle K Trailer Park drives by soon and sees all the stupid shit these people have done. He's sure to kick their asses out once he gets a load of what they're pulling. And then maybe I'll get a decent new neighbor, like an ex-con or a hooker.

Edna Hoppenstetter

Dear Edna,

I guess that makes two reasons why Pat Robertson is praying for the Lord to send a tornado through Florida. Have you considered the possibility that you new neighbors are really aliens? I heard that ETs are partial to trailer parks.

happy(wearenotalone)shrink

Date: March 10, 2001

A reply.....

Dear weasel,

If you have an issue with your psychiatrist, then maybe you  can start by talking to him/her about how you feel. Going through your therapist about a problem with your psychiatrist seems to me like you are trying to form an alliance of secrecy. If you really want to get out of the cycle of deception, you need to be honest with people. Tell your psychiatrist why you think he/she is not being helpful. Talk about how you feel. Psychiatrists have heard worse things from patients than they are trying to lighten their wallet. Ultimately, you have a choice about who you see for treatment.

As far as the issue of your wife's "co-dependency", what's the point? If you are trying to do the right thing for her by getting out of her life, then you need to do just that. She has to deal with her own baggage. Any attempt by you to help her will just continue the dysfunctional relationship even if you have the best of intentions. My advice is to move on with your life and let her move on with hers.

Lastly weasel, I don't want you to climb into a microwave. I want you to stop being a weasel and become a decent human being. I want you to be honest because it's the right think to do. The world has too many weasels. Don't you think? 

happy(onlyusedhismicrowavetoreheatfood)shrink  

Dear Happyshrink,

My 3.5 year old girl is plagued with chronic constipation. We have paid close attention to her diet & reduced cheese intake, etc. while increasing fiber and fresh fruits and vegetables in her diet. The problem manifests itself in 3-4 days w/o bowel movements, followed by small amounts of fecal matter squeezing out into her pants 10-12 times a day. Often, she will hide the fact that there has been an accident. She has at times complained of painful bowel movements, so it could just be a fear issue. 

She has complete control of her bladder now, and has no accidents even at night. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated in this time of supreme frustration.

Thanks!

JG

Dear JG

If you have not already done so, I would have your daughter's pediatrician evaluate her for any physical or medical problems that may be causing the constipation. That needs to be completely ruled out before this can be considered a psychological problem.

Toilet training is easy for some kids and difficult for others. It has nothing to do with intelligence or creativity. It can be a function of outside stressors, like the illness of a family member, family conflict, or other difficulties. However, this is not always the case either. In some cases, there can be some very strong fears of "letting go." This can occur for a variety of reasons. Some young children don't understand that their feces is a waste product that needs to be expelled. Some fear that by evacuating, they are losing a part of themselves. Other's may find the feeling of being able to control their bowel movements unusual and even scary.

If medical problems are ruled out and the problem continues, your pediatrician should refer you to a child psychologist who specializes in working with very young children. While there is a chance that this problem will go away by itself, I would still recommend some intervention if the problem persists. Please update me on what happens.

happy(poopyinthepotty)shrink

Dear happy,

You are always telling me that I should have goals for a better life. Some of my goals were to become a Walmart greeter, find a boyfriend without a prison record, or win the $25 prize four weeks in a row at the Dew Drop Inn's "Wet t-Shirt Night." But then I started thinkin, if you have small goals, you won't ever really achieve anything big. So now I have a new goal. I want to live in a beautiful home. (see Picture below):

So happy. Is this just another dream that won't come true or do I have a shot at it?

Edna

Dear Edna,

If you can save up all the winnings from Wet T-Shirt night for a whole year, you got a chance. 

happy(keephopealive)shrink

Date: March 9, 2001

Sorry Folks. My server would just not cooperate this morning. I'll be back tomorrow with a double dose of letters.

-happy

Date: March 8, 2001

Dear Happyshrink,

How come I keep thinking that a complete jerk and I are meant to be together? He has a girlfriend, treats me like crap, sleeps around, swears like a truck driver, keeps telling me to go away, then gets pissed when I do, and worst of all... He won't meet me face to face. we've had an Internet relationship for a year. how sick is this?????

It's like, we are bonded, but he won't face up to it, and I got sick of that crap, forced the issue, and then he ended the relationship. now, we pretty much hate each other, but we still get together to fight once in awhile lol

Yes, my father was an alcoholic manic-depressive, no, I have no self esteem. How do I move on without feeling like I am losing a good thing when really it's a sucky thing?

P.S. He insists the implosion of the "relationship" is 100% my fault. I actually believed him for a few days lol

Cn

Dear Cn,

When you have no self-esteem, any jerk is a bargain. So how do you stop being a victim and get some self esteem? I wish I had the answer for you and hundreds of others who have written me over the past 4 years. Unfortunately, that puzzle is yours alone to solve. Some people would rather not solve this  puzzle. There is some strange comfort in living in the world of "poor me." It forgives a lot of transgressions but it also robs you of dignity, self respect and self worth. If you solve the puzzle Cn, you may still have to deal with jerks, but they won't every be able make you feel worthless. Nobody should ever have that power over you. Not even "poor you."

happy(notrichbutneverpoor)shrink

Dear Happy,

I don't know if Gind Rinker sent you any wedding pictures but I thought you would appreciate this one. You know that Earl ain't half as dumb as he looks. Unfortunately, Gind is as dumb as she looks.

Edna

Dear Edna,

I tried to help old Earl, but it was too late. He put his cummerbund on backwards. At least his bowtie was on straight.

happy(alwayswillingtohelphisfellowman)shrink

Date: March 7, 2001

Dear Judiblueye,

Well at least you haven't lost that optimistic attitude or your sense of humor. Problems never really go away. We just learn to cope with them better. Tomorrow may not be a better day so I won't promise you that, but I know that you will survive and do what you have to do.

happy(doingwhathehastodo)shrink

Date: March 6, 2001

Dear JeWitch,

There are some people who are happily married. Someday I may even meet one of them.

happy(willliveinsinforfood)shrink 

Date: March 5, 2001

Dear Happyshrink,

Dear HR,

Eskalith and Lithobid are both brand names for Lithium Carbonate, a mood stabilizer used to treat bipolar disorder. Lithobid is a sustained action form of Lithium Carbonate and will maintain therapeutic levels over a longer period of time. When going from any one medication to another, there can be a period of adjustment where side effects and symptoms can occur until your body adapts. I would report all side effects and symptoms to your psychiatrist immediately HR. Your psychiatrist may adjust the new medication, change it or suggest you wait a while longer to see if the medication takes hold. He/she will know best what to do in your case. Please let me know what happens.

happy(stillinaperiodofadjustment)shrink

Happyshrink,

This coming Saturday at 1:00 p.m. I’m having a big birthday party for the Siamese twins, Sally Jessie and Maury, and I hate to do it but I got to invite their daddy Bubba. For some unknowed reason, the twins want there daddy at this party even though there daddy is a lousy, worthless bastard who ought to be struck by lightning and have a flock of crows crap all over him.

I told the twins he would probably show up unless he was hanging out with one of his sluts. The twins said, if he wanted, he cood bring a slut or two because we are gonna have plenty of cake and ice cream. I want him to know that I don’t feel the same so if he's coming to this party, he better come alone.

By the way, I guess I should give him some gift ideas for the Siamese twins becuz he ain’t never been very sensitive to there condition. They’re joined at both hands, so buying them pogo sticks or hoola-hoops just pisses them off. I’ll never forget the year he got them a hacky-sac--they just kicked the shit out of each other--it was terrible.

I got to go now. Got to do some more planning for the party.

Edna

Dear Edna,

I think Bubba was struck by lightning and crapped on by a flock of cows. He smells like that anyway. I did buy the birthday kids a present but upon your advisement, I will return the Twister game and get them an Etch-a-sketch instead. Wish them my best.

happy(leftandrighthandonblue)shrink

Date: March 4, 2001

Dear Not Ready for this,

I'm not sure that any parent is ready for their daughter reaching puberty. Give yourself credit for preparing her with information about what is happening as well as what will happen to her body. She knows more than you did at her age as well as a good many of her peers. Right now the two most important things are to have a trusting relationship and for both of you to communicate openly. You do have to control your own level of anxiety and worry because your daughter may pick up on this and speak to you less about these physical changes. Resources for you can include your spouse, friends who have gone through their child's puberty, teachers, pediatricians, school guidance counselors and psychologists, etc. I am not aware of specific support groups for parents of young girls entering puberty but you might want to find out if some parents in the same situation as you would like to start one. Perhaps your PTA can also be a resource.

This is a special time for both you and your daughter. Rather than looking at it with dread and fear, try to look at it as a time of excitement and enlightenment. You may learn a thing or two as well. Good luck.

happy(stilllearningaboutpuberty)shrink  

Happyshrink,

Really gettin the hang of this computer stuff. Hear is my resume inkase you know of anyone lookin to hire.

RESUME OF Bubba Clemston

D.O.B. July 7, 1968 (I’m 33)

CAREAR GOAL

My carear goal is to rite songs and sing in a rock and roll band but seeing as there ain’t much chance of me doing that, I’ll settle for a high-paying job that don’t have very much responsibility attatched to it.

LERNING

1981 Graduated from Circle K Elementree

1983 Graduated from Circle K Junior Hi

1987 Graduated frim Circle K Alternitive Hi-Sckool

JOB HISTERY

March 1989 to June 1989- Collected cans and bottles along the road to cash in for cigerette money

June 1989 to August 1989- Delivered newspapers for cigerette money

August 1989 to September 1989- Washed peeple’s cars for cigerette money

September 1989 to October 1989- Walked peeple’s dogs for cigerette money

October 1989 to December 1989 - Bummed cigerettes off my dad

December 1989 to Januairy 1990- Quit smoking

Januairy 1990 to March 1990 - Delivered pizzas for Harley Heaven Tavern

March 1990 to May 1990- Hospittlized for delivering wrong pizza to wrong address

May 1990 to July 1990 - Lived with an older woman who paid for everything

July 1990 to November 1990 - In detox

November 1990 to Januairy 1991- Swept floors at Big Eddie’s Tits and More

Januairy 1991 to Febuairy 1991 - Played back-up guitar to Lurlene Olsen during her strip routine at Big Eddie’s Tits and More

Febuairy 1991 to April 1991 - Hospittlized for sleeping with Lurlene Olsen who was married to Big Eddie

April 1991 to July 1993 - Lived with another older woman who paid for everything

July 1993 to August 1995 - Lived with my dad and smoked alot of pot and don't remember much about what I did

August 1995 to September 1995 - In detox

September 1995 to Januairy 1996 - Bartended up at the Dewdrop Inn

Januairy 1996 to Febuairy 1996 - In detox

Febuairy 1996 to April 1996 - Formed a rock band while still living with my dad but didn’t make no money at it, oh well

April 1996 to December 1996- Lived with a third older woman who paid for everything but I wrecked her Camero and she threw me out

December 1996 to Januairy 1997- In detox Januairy1997 to Febuairy 1997 to now - unemployed

REFERINCES

Mr. Orlan Everest - Detox Cownselor Hopsen-Barrly Detoxification Institute (515) 999- 2121

Miss Edna Spitshine - 2nd grade teacher (deceased) (515) 999-1312

Dear Bubba,

I never realized how accomplished you were. I'm sure I can find you a great job that pays a lot of money, just as soon as I get that reference letter from Miss Spitshine. I'll be in touch in...... er...... soon.

happy(don'tcallme-I'llcallyou)shrink

Date: March 3, 2001

Hi Happyshrink,

 My name is Vivian and I was just wondering if I can bother you with some questions. First, are you a professional shrink? Cuz I've been to a couple chats and they're mostly support groups. I feel kinda silly writing a letter to a shrink, because i don't think there's anything wrong with me. But well, I am a very shy person and there are a lot of things that I can't do because of that, and I was wondering how you know if you have a problem as in a disorder of some kind or if its just shyness and that's just the way i am.

thank you for your time.

-Vivian

Dear Vivian,

I have been a Clinical Social Worker for almost 25 years, most of which has been in the Mental Health field. I am also a Psychotherapist and the Program Director for a residential facility for chronic mentally ill women. I have also held a number of clinical and management positions in the mental health field during my professional career.

Shyness itself is not a mental disorder but some of the associated feelings and behaviors can be an indication of other problems. So we may want to consider two categories of shy people. The first category of people are just plain shy. They don't initiate conversations easily, nor do they find it easy to share intimacies with a lot of people. They may have a small circle of friends and they may also avoid being in large groups or in the public eye. However, they are basically happy, enjoy the few intimate relationships they have and are generally well adjusted. 

The second category of shy people, long for intimacy but are extremely fearful of it at the same time. They often suffer from low self esteem and assume that people are not interested in what they have to say. Social situations may precipitate varying levels of anxiety and even panic attacks. Their overall mood may be depressed and their range of emotion may be limited. They may also be unable to take "reasonable" risks and as a result, they live life very marginally. 

Actually there is a third category where most shy people fall into. That is the range between categories one and two. There are varying degrees as to how much distress and limitations shyness can cause in one's life. You don't have to be in the extreme of category two in order to feel that your shyness is a problem. If your shyness is getting in the way of your reaching your potential and being as fulfilled as you want to be, you might want to see a therapist. The purpose would be to explore the dynamics of your shyness further and find ways to overcome it. Support groups are also helpful even when they don't have a "shrink" leading them. Let me know what you think Vivian.

happy(andsometimesshytoo)shrink

Happyshrink,

I ain’t much of a letter riter so I’ll get rite to the point. I need someone to rite a book report for me for English class. We was sposed to have red this dum book called GREEN EGGS AND HAM and I just can’t get thru it. I think it’s about a diner or something. Anyhow, the report is do next Munday. Can I give you the book and you can spend a couple days on it (because it’s pretty long) and rite the report and give it all back to me no later then Sonday nite.

Also, be sure and spell my name rite on the paper, that’s Andie with a capitol A and ie at the end and Hoppenstetter with one Hoppen and one stetter. By the way, I also need someone to do my math homework. The kid that I used to beat up and steal homework from has transferred to another skool.

Andie H

Dear Andie H,

I will write your book report. I'll even make sure that the spelling is correct. Just promise not to beat me up.

happy(blackandbluefromdoingmultiplication)shrink

Date: March 2, 2001

Hi!

I was searching for an "Ask an Expert" site today, and since yours seemed most likely to help me out, I decided to write in to you. I have a trait that I recently found out my dad and sister share! The reason I'm writing is that we want to find out what it's called, so that we can learn more about it. I'll try and describe it:

When I'm in a place such as a movie theatre, I start to wonder what would happen if I stood up in my chair and started screaming at the top of my lungs, or sometimes, if I grabbed my chair and hit someone with it. Then I start worrying that I WILL actually stand up and start screaming or commit a violent act. Before long, I'm sweating with worry, and it feels as if my body will commit the act on it's own, against my will. Yet, the latter has never happened, and I doubt it ever will.

The same thing happens while driving. If I am driving next to a cliff, I start thinking about how easy it would be to make just one little mistake, and go over. Then I start worrying that my hands will turn the steering wheel on their own, and pretty soon, I'm just waiting helplessly, scared to death that it's going to happen.

There are many, many more situations where this mental trait kicks in, from being in a store that sells breakables, to glancing at the knives in the kitchen cutlery drawer! If you recognize this syndrome, can you please tell me what it's called, as well as any information and/or sources of information? Thank you very much for your help!

K

Dear K,

While I can't give you a specific diagnosis, I can suggest that you might suffer from an anxiety disorder with obsessive features. Among the possible diagnoses are Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social Phobia or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is not unusual for most people to occasionally have "bad thoughts" that are disturbing and cause anxiety. Only if this condition impairs your ability to function or frequently creates an excessive amount of distress, does it need intervention.

If this condition is a problem for you, I would suggest you be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Treatment can include medication, psychotherapy and/or cognitive therapy. While I doubt that you can avoid having bad thoughts, you can reduce their frequency and minimize their affects on your life. Let me know what you think K.

happy(Justhadnaughtythought)shrink 

Dear Happy,

Dear Cyber-shrink Wanna Be,

Who do you think you're kidding? You don't wanna be a psychiatrist. You just want to bust my chops. Get off my back Bucko!

happy(liarliarpantsonfire)shrink

Date: March 1, 2001

Dear Concerned Internet Mom,

You have very valid concerns and despite the fact that most 14 year olds think of themselves as indestructible and self sufficient, they need your guidance and influence when it comes to chatting on the Internet. While most personal encounters on the Internet are positive ones, there are dangers out there that require some precautions. If teens want to "talk" to one another, a good way to exchange phone numbers is by sharing addresses first and sending the phone number by regular mail. This ensures that a valid address is given and the person is willing to share where he/she lives. As a parent you need to supervise this process and make it clear to your teen that their chatting privileges are dependent on allowing your involvement.  

If teens that chat on the Internet are going to meet, their first meeting should be chaperoned and in a public place like a restaurant or shopping mall. Here again, your involvement is critical. Your kids may not be thrilled with the process but most of them will accept your supervision. In reality, they are a little scared themselves and your oversight eases their own anxiety.

Lastly Concerned Internet Mom, it is probably a good idea to set some parameters as to how long your teen spends on line chatting. It's not only addictive for us older folks. It can be addictive for kids as well. If chat interferes with schoolwork and other responsibilities, it needs to be limited. Just like supervising how late your child can stay out in the evening or where they can go by themselves, the Internet is another area where your parenting is crucial. Don't worry about being uncool. You are a parent and you are uncool no matter what you do. You might as well be a good uncool parent. 

happy(uncool)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

Do you hate going to the Dentist? I do.

Bucky

Dear Bucky,

Yes I hate going to the Dentist too. I can't say that my dentist has shaken my belief in God, but he has made me stop believing in the Tooth Fairy.

happy(waitingfortheEasterBunny)shrink