Postings from February 1-15, 2001
Date: February 15, 2001
Dear Happy, I am in
the beginning of a custody dispute. Our kids are 10 and 7. My ex- Steph Dear Steph, Your husband would have to prove that you are an unfit parent and he is a fit parent in order to secure custody of your children. I would suggest you speak to your lawyer regarding the implications of your psychiatric condition as well as your ex-husband's condition. It sounds to me that you have nothing to worry about but your lawyer is in a better position to discuss it with you. I would not quit therapy, nor would I discontinue medication. Treatment has made you a more competent human being and your therapist would probably be able to testify to that. Having patience and courage now is very important Steph. Don't back down. Please feel free to write me again and let me know how things are going. happy(gettinghelpisasignofstrength)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Bubba Copperfeld, as some may recall, is the ex-best friend of Roy-Bob. Bubba became an ex-best friend when he moved in with Edna and Roy-Bob (who were married at the time) after his fifth wife threw him out. During his stay at Roy-Bob and Edna's, Bubba accidentally walked in on Edna in the shower a couple of times and accidentally got mixed up and ended up in Edna's bedroom. These, according to Bubba, were honest mistakes but Roy-Bob didn't seem to see it that way-at least not after Bubba continued to make these mistakes over a three month period. In the end, Edna and Roy-Bob divorced and Edna married Bubba-for better or worse. Mostly worse because Bubba suffers from that common affliction known as chronic adultery. Bubba doesn't see it as an affliction however. He sees it as the thing in life he's most good at. And being accomplished at it as he is, he is more than willing to share his knowledge on the subject. Because as Bubba tells it, "adultery ain't just a sin, it's an art." So without further ado, here is some good, sound adultery advice from Orlando's foremost authority, Bubba Copperfeld… GOOD, SOUND ADULTERY ADVICE by Bubba Copperfeld I've never had me no trouble commiting adultery on account that I got alot of things going for me. I'm reel good looking, reel smart and I got me a reel good job. (I work the second shift at Polyurethane Shoes.) But, even with all that in my favor, I still ain't garanteed that I'll get every Mrs. Right I aim for. I have however honed me some teckneeks that have proved to be effective and if you follow my tips, you stand a better then average chance of bagging you another man's wife. Tip 1- PRESINTATION Now, this here's reel important. You got to have you a look that's suttle. You want your look to say to the gals "hey baby, I'm on the make" but you don't want to say it so loud that you get your ass kicked by somebody's jealous husbund. Myself, I like to wear my J.C. Penney's jeans real tight and I like to wear a big belt buckle. A big belt buckle catches a gal's eye and that's good becuz you want her looking down south there in the neyborhood of your Johnson. And I use just the right amount of hair oil, so's I can convay "I'm slick, but not slippery". And I always keep a toothpick in my mouth becuz you can give alot of signals with a toothpick. (Example: Toothpick up means 'I'm free tonite'. Toothpick down means 'sorry baby, my wife wants it tonite, what can I say?' Tip 2-PROSPECTS You got to identify who's reelly out there for you. You got to know which gals is more likely to chuck away there marridge vows for some cheap thrills. Over the years, I have developed me an eagle eye for this sort of thing. I look forthe gal who is down in the mouth-the one who feels she is being neglected at home or thinks she is getting fat or has figured out all the good things in life has passed her by. These gals is easy pray for a smooth fella in tight jeans with greased-back hair and a toothpick. What you got to do is tell these gals that they deserves attention, that they is skinny and that tho the good things in life has passed them by, they still got you. Tip 3-PERSISTANCE Now, on occasion you will run across a gal who will give you a run for your money. These gals don't fall for the usual things what turns a woman on, like a pinch on the ass or a tung in the ear. You got to go the extra mile for these gals becuz they are class act adultrisses. These gals won't do it with you in no broom closet or in the back of no pickup. No sir, with these gals your probably gonna have to spring for a hotel room or at the very least, pitch a pup tent. But don't give up, becuz these gals are worth it. (Well, they are unless they was playing hard to get becuz they had the clap or something.) I hope this helps all you fellas out there who is trying to get a little on the side. Just remember, adultery ain't for everyone, so if you ain't got what it takes to cheat, don't feel bad. No one's gonna judge you for it. Bubba Copperfeld Dear Bubba, Just because Jerry Springer rejected you for his show as being "too sleazy" doesn't make you a role model for every "Bubba wannabe" in Orlando Florida. Just remember, Edna finally threw your sorry ass out of that trailer. Have a little humility Bubba. happy(judgeandjury)shrink
Date: February 14, 2001
Hi Happy, I'm 17 and I think I have varicocele. Can it be the cause I don't have a large penis? Does it reduce my testosterone? Is it to late to receive testosterone from pills or something like that if i don't have enough? asdf Dear asdf, Varicocele is an enlargement of the veins in the penis as a result of a blockage of blood flow caused by inadequate valves within the veins along the spermatic cord (the cord suspending the testis). The incidence is highest in men between 15 and 25 years old. There is no indication that this condition is any way related to penis size. It's greatest danger (which is small) is infertility and not potency. If you think you have this condition asdf, I would urge you to go to your family doctor. He or she will properly diagnose your condition and prescribe what is necessary. Even if you do have this condition asdf, it can just go away by itself over time or be aided with the use of a scrotal support. Instances of surgery for infertility are rare, particularly at your age but have a good success rate when they do happen. Lastly asdf, with regard to penis size in general, It's not what you got; it's how you use it. When you are in the right situation, size really won't matter! Good luck and let me know how things work out. happy(It'swhat'sinsidethatcounts)shrink
Happyshrink, It would really help a guy out if you would post this for me. Then Edna will be able to read it. I am not allowed with 500 yards of the trailer, and I can't go given it to someone else to deliver to her as they might read it and then laff at me and call me wussy and stuff. But sometimes a mans got to do what a mans got to do in order to get his ole lady back before she finds another one that she thinks is better. know what I mean. Dear Edna, I wish you'd reconsider breaking up with me becuz it is a goddamn mistake. What am I sposed to do now in order to get a girl? No one else is going to want to date me on account that I recked my Trans Am and then axcidently burned my family's house down and am now living in a tent with all of them. I ain't going to get me no romance with a situation like that. After all we been thru, Ida, I'm surprized you'd up and leave me this way. After I give you my faverite roach clip to wear as a show of my affection. And after all them times I let you watch me smoke a joint and then when afterward, when I got the munchies, I shared my Dorritos and Diet Coke with you. And after all them hours you and me spent together watching The Cartoon Network while I got stoned over at my parent's house. Weren't them some special times? You know I treated you like a queen. (Hell, queens probly don't even have it that good.) So now, Eddie, you just up and dump me. Well, all I got to say is "shit "-life ain't fair. The whole werld is just against a regular guy like me who wants to smoke a little weed now and then. The cards are stacked against a fella who wants to get stoned all the time. Nobody gives an even break to someone who wants to get wasted. How'd this werld get so screwed up anyhow? Edna, I feel so low, I feel like doing something drastic. I feel so crappy, I'm half tempted to throw my baggie full of Columbian as hard as I can so there ain't no way I'd never find it. (Oh, God, listen to me-I'm really going off the deep end here-after all, you're just some little chick I been dating for over a year and I'm thinking about pitching a nearly full ounce of this first class dope becuz your breaking up with me!! I must be nuts.) I think I can lern to live without you. Your X, Bubba Dear Bubba, I'm glad you are learning to live without Edna. Now if she can just learn to live without you, I would have a lot more time to answer other questions on my web page. Then again, I really look forward to Edna's (spelt: E - D - N - A) letters. happy(pleaseMremailmanlookandseeistherealetteraletterforme?)shrink
Date: February 13, 2001
Dear Happy, I have a friend that is always happy. Not just happy sometimes, but most of the time, silly and goofy and sees humor in just about everything. We work in a corporate environment and she's beginning to think that there is something wrong with her because she doesn't have that "the sky is falling" corporate attitude. I told her she is one of the only sane ones. What's your opinion, and do you have any comforting words to ensure her she is sane? thanks so very much bjb Dear bjb, Aside from pissing off some people who like to wallow in their own misery, I can't see anything wrong with being happy, even in a corporate environment. Usually these types of people live longer, don't suffer from "burnout" and have a good balance of work and home life. The big question bjb, is how do you and all the other people at your job develop the same attitude. In observing a few happy people (I don't usually come across too many on my web site or in real life), I think they have a slightly different attitude about the future. Rather than hoping for the best or fearing the worst, they take the attitude, "I will be able to handle whatever life dishes out to me." It's this confidence or faith in living each day that make them feel optimistic even when all the signs point to doom and gloom. Frankly, I find these people very annoying and that's why I hang around people like JeWitch, Edna, St. Theresa, Reverend Al and WindNWillows. They can find hopelessness even in the best of circumstances. God Bless them. Seriously though, your friend is to be admired and emulated. It's unlikely that this will happen on a large scale because most people probably think of her as "Miss Goody Two Shoes." Why not toy with the idea of becoming the second "Miss Goody Two Shoes" in the company? happy(MrGoodyTwoShoes)shrink
Dear Happy, My son and I are getting along better since he received the letter I wrote him. Thanks for telling me to keep in touch ... for the sake of the Grandchildren. I think it was a GOOD IDEA ! Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Hello to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you are doing well, miles away from your ailing mother. I included my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. I guess you two save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Goodwill stores and all. Thank you so much for the flowers, Jerry. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she ? Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off a gang of muggers last week, but don't worry about me. I'm getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and I am actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant pain. Don't you even think about sending any money to me, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes your gold-digger demands you buy her. Give my love to my darling Grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, and dragged you to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a home. Momma I think I have about covered it ALL ! JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I just heard from your son and daughter-in-law(only). Your son has a marvelous job opportunity on the Planet Mars. He will be the regional manager for the entire planet. He and his wife are very sad that they will be moving so far away from you, but they know you will understand. It's a good think you wrote them Witchie. They were uncertain whether to go to Mars but it seems that after reading your heartfelt letter of joy and love, they made up their minds! happy(soontobeCommissionerofMentalHealthforthePlanetJupiter)shrink
Date: February 12, 2001
Dear Happy, Last night when I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner my husband walked in and started laughing. I was eating the food off of my children's plates as I was clearing the table. Later, he came in and I was eating chocolate pudding which I had declined at dessert time. Why would I be "hiding" while I eat? GT Dear GT, People who have weight and overeating issues will often do their overeating in private. There could be a number of reason's for this. Someone recently joked to me after taking a "doggie bag" home from a restaurant, "If I eat this in private, it doesn't count on my diet." While we may really know better, somehow if we "sneak" a bite when no one is looking we feel we have gotten away with something. The parent or adult in you declined the chocolate putting at the dinner table, but when nobody was around, the kid in you who felt cheated made sure she got her treat. Of course the scale we step onto records everything we have consumed and then we feel frustrated and perhaps victimized. Another reason why people eat in private has to do with why they eat. Rather than eating because we are hungry, we may eat because we are sad, anxious or bored. Food then becomes a comfort activity that we might prefer doing when no one is around. When you are feeding the family, there is little time for yourself. When you are alone, you can feel nurtured and satisfied. Realizing that this behavior may be a problem GT is the first step in developing a healthy relationship to food. Support groups like Weight Watchers and Overeaters Anonymous are good ways to develop greater insight and help you to relate to food more appropriately. Let me know what you think. happy(makesnosecretsabouthisovereating)shrink
Happy, I am doing some "ARTISTIC THINKING" today. I am staying locked in the closet until I can come up with some new ideas for my new website at : IFYOUSEEKAY.com. JeWitch PS ... So far I've come up with a website about people who have to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD .. or a people who are REALLY HUNGRY. Any suggestions ? Dear JeWitch, I'd love to give you some ideas but I can't help you right now. I just ate a whole cherry cheese cake and I really have to go to the bathroom. happy(agoodaudienceforJeWitch)shrink
Date: February 11, 2001
Dear happy, I am thinking of having plastic surgery .I'm in good health , and want my neck and belly done. Please tell me if you think this is a safe thing to for a 45 year- old women to do? DD Dear DD, Any time you have surgery, there are risks. There are risks of reactions to the anesthesia, infections, and unfavorable outcomes. Those are all things that the surgeon will explain to you when you talk about what you want to have done. Plastic surgery is no more or less risky than any other type of surgery. The difference is that plastic surgery, for the most part, is an elective procedure. Your age is not as important a factor as your health and again, when you visit a plastic surgeon, he or she will assess your general health and will be able to advise you whether or not you are a good candidate for the type of surgery you wish to have. There are some definite psychological benefits to changing your appearance in a positive way. It is a boost to self-esteem to see yourself in the mirror and think "I look good." Deciding when and how to change your body is a very personal choice. The surgery itself may not change your life, but how you feel about yourself can. The decision that you have to make, DD, is that the benefits you will receive outweigh the risks of having surgery. That is something that only you can decide after speaking with a surgeon and learning about the procedures. Good luck, DD. Please let me know how things turn out. happy(brainimplantisstilloutofthequestion)shrink
Dear Happy, I am breathin' real fast and sweatin' and my heart is a beatin'. I am in a terrible mess. Here's what happin'. Sunday, after gettin' straight with a few beers from Saturday night at the What Not, the boys; My Earl, Bubba, Dui and one o' Edna's heatherns, took the dogs and went huntin' boar out in the swamp. It bein' real dry they drove the pick-up on inta the swamp. Sho-nuff Edna's boy got hisself a boar and the boys got a snoot full and brought back a cooler fulla empties and a 300 pound boar back in the back o' the truck. The dogs got a rabbit and probably a few fleas, from the way they is scratchin'. But I's gittin' sidetracked. Well, this mornin', I was cookin' up the fat and skin from the boar, the boys love chitlins, and I was watchin' Channel 9. Lo' hav mercy, when Charlie on that mornin' show had everybody all over the country pushin' out babies. They was a hollerin' and It was a mess and I could see that I ain't wantin' no part o' it. But here I am carryin' this youngin' and now what? I am panicin'. I never thought about birthin' this youngin', just havin' somethin' to hug and cuddle and to git My Earl ta pop the question. I got 1/2 a pint guzzled before the end of all the birthin', burnt the chitlins and just finished the other half pint. The boys'll be back from the What Not dreckly and I'm needin' some shrink words ta get myself back under control. HELP! Gind Rinker Dear Gind, When you have the baby, just make sure that the anesthesiologist gives you an epidural or a shot of Demerol or Morphine. That will make you feel looser than 3 pints of gin at the What Not. Good luck Gind. I hope it's a bo... gir... human! happy(MsScarlett,Idon'tknownuthinboutborninbabies)shrink
Date: February 10, 2001
Hi Happy, Do hope everything is going good with you. I am keeping busy with all the kids, appointments, work, school, everyday &*%$. Well my 15 yr old has now been on his Zoloft for two weeks. No side effects that we have noticed. He is still at the grandparents, this seems to be working very well. We talk on the phone a lot and get together during the week. They can give him all the attention he needs, since he is the only child there. I hope this works and that we can keep getting him help. I was wanting to ask you if getting dizzy, and faint is anxiety related? I am hoping it is sinus, but it just happens. I have also been getting irritated and talking loudly to myself as if I was telling someone off. Is that strange or what? But it seems to help me work through my frustrations. We are going to a weekly parenting class which is helping a lot. We have three weeks left. I am going to miss going. It is nice to talk to other parents going through raising a teenager, or more. ocdnet(feelingfrustrated)angel
Dizziness and feeling faint can be a symptom of anxiety or panic attack. It can also be related to nutrition, stress and a variety of medical conditions. If you haven't had a physical in a while, I would urge you to do so. This will rule out any medical problems including a sinus condition. If it is anxiety or stress related, there are short term medications that can help. It may also help to talk about what is causing stress in a support group or to a therapist. Sometimes even a letter to happyshrink can help. :-) Speak with your doctor about these options. Sometimes we might need to talk to ourselves as a way of coping with stress and frustration. This is very different from responding to an auditory or visual hallucination which would be dysfunctional and indicate the need for treatment. I wouldn't worry about your "talking loudly;" just try not to do it in public. I am glad things are better with your son. It sounds like you and your parents are cooperating better too. The parenting class sounds like a great resource. Perhaps you can keep in touch with some of the other parents after the group is over; just like you keep in touch with me. happy(he'sintouch)shrink
Dear Happy, PLEASE PLEASE help us by advertising this for us early. We need and want a REALLY big turn out. Before people go makin plans .. let them see what Orlando has to offer. Edna (Here are several advertisements as they will appear in the February 14th Edition of THE CIRCLE K TRAILER PARK TRIBUNE.) THE CIRCLE K TRAILER PARK MERCHANTS WISH YOU A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! The CIRCLE K TRAILER PARK MERCHANTS want to make sure your Valentine’s Day is full of romance and excitement; Here are just a few ideas that can help you plan that perfect outing or purchase that perfect gift for your significant other! THE CIRCLE K TRAILER PARK BINGO PARLOR-- Bring your sweetie in for an evening of competitive entertainment. In honor of the holiday, candy hearts will be used as card markers. We’re also featuring veteran number-caller Sister Mary Elizabeth Effronstat whose well-known sexy voice will do its best to put you in the mood for some bedroom bingo long after the parlor has closed. THE DEW DROP INN -- Fry cook Tom "Ptomaine" Reynolds will be frying up heart-shaped onion rings and draws of Old Milwaukee will be 50 cents from 6-8 p.m.; At 9 p.m. will be the traditional "nice ass" competition for ladies. First prize is a date with the owner, Enis Wilson. HARLEY HEAVEN --We know a lot about romance at Harley Heaven! This tavern is celebrating V.D. by offering double bubble from 8 p.m. to midnight. Ladies who come in wearing see-thru blouses or tube tops drink for free. SPELL-RITE TATTOOS--If you really want to empress that specail someone in your life, get you a tattoo from Spell-Rite! The artistic folks at Spell-Rite are offering a 10 percent discount off all heart and romance-related designs (including nudies). And--for those whose sweeties have changed--we’re offering 15 percent off our U-DO-IT Tattoo Removal System (sandpaper refills not included in promotion). BOOZE 2 U -- ALL
And nothing says "I Luv You" like an Old Milwaukee beer!
CIRCLE K TRAILER PARK LANES -- Who wouldn’t be put in the mood by the crashing and thundering of balls striking pins? CIRCLE K TRAILER PARK Lanes is giving away a savory basket of deep-fat fried turkey gonads to any bowler who bowls 250 or over from 8 to 10 p.m.! And for Adults Only, join our after-midnight Naked Bowling League. Shoe rental is only $.50 during Naked Bowling but remember--you can’t wear any socks! BIG EDDIE’S TITS AND MORE (Juice Bar)--No one knows more about love than Big Eddie! Our special Valentine’s Day performer will be Luscious Edna * Hardcock* Hoffenstetter (38DD,30, 42). Luscious Edna is the daughter of the Reverend and Mrs. Joseph Hoffenstetter of Selma and she is appearing on stage for the first time ever at Big Eddie’s so let’s all come together and support one of Circle K's own in her big debut! Also, enjoy the gooey goodness of Big Eddie’s Big Easy Cheesy Pizza while you watch Edna squirm and wiggle. It’s fun for the entire family! Happy Valentine’s Day from the Circle K Merchants !! Dear Edna, I forgot how much fun Valentine's Day could be until I ready your letter. We don't have all the hoopla that you have down in Florida, but being the ever irrepressible romantics, Reverend Al and I plan to celebrate Valentine's day by visiting some of the best strip clubs in South Jersey. Happy Valentine's Day Edna. I wish I could be there watching you shake that thang! happy(shakin'itallaround)shrink
Date: February 9, 2001
Hello, Well I am a 21 year old male who has been thin all his life. I have tried weight gaining shakes working out, eating more but nothing seems to slow down my metabolism... I am 6 foot and weigh 130 lbs. The thing is I eat a lot but I also make a good amount of trips to the restroom... :) If u know what I mean... Is there anything, pills, or whatever that you know of that will help me put on weight. I have tried everything... thank you Mr. Marley Dear Mr. Marley, I don't know of any pills that will help you gain weight, nor would I recommend that as a remedy for your situation. My suggestion is to first get a complete physical to determine if there is a medical reason why you can't gain weight. Assuming that you are in good health, I would get a referral to a nutritionist that can assess your diet and make recommendations. While you may have tried exercise, you might want to speak to a fitness trainer to find ways get the most out of your body type. The fact is Mr. Marley, some people are just thin. Statistically, you will live longer and have a lower incidence of heart disease. As you get older, your metabolism will probably start to slow down and you may gain some weight then. The key here is being healthy. You may never look like "Arnold," but there will always be women who go for skinny guys. Do the best with what you got. happy(doingthebestwithtoomuchofwhatIgot)shrink
Dear Happy, Did you hear?? Edna's actually looking at a new trailer! Ok, so this one's only 30 years old instead of 50, but for her it's new. So now she's becoming miss hoity-toity and thinking of "entertaining" (yeah, RIGHT). I just had to help her, though. I'm going to give her this list of handy tips for entertaining and there's some other stuff in there, too. Did I miss anything? Mildred Thigpen
PERSONAL
HYGIENE
While
ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper
use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if
you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt
and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
Plucking
unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a
small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING
OUT
Remember
to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home
costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING
IN YOUR HOME
Do
not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.
Be
considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
If
your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.
DATING
(Outside the Family)
No
matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen
from a cemetery.
Be
aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
years ago."
Establish
with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00.
Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name
does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an
overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Even
if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
THEATER
ETIQUETTE
Refrain
from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't
hear you.
WEDDINGS
When
dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing
the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. A bridal veil made of
window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly
deterrent.
For
the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING
ETIQUETTE
When
approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
Never
tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife
down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back
beer.
Never
relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do
not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do
not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS
FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Always
identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always
say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's
considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even
if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The
socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around.
If
you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always
provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Your tips are very helpful for most people but I would urge you not to share this list with Edna. If she ever knew that these are the rules of etiquette, she would probably lose her will to live.
happy(stilltryingtogetmytruckkeysoutofmyear)shrink
Date: February 8, 2001
Dear Happy, I read the letter from the woman whose husband is an alcoholic and just want to say that I think if she is thinking about breaking off the relationship it sounds like she is making a wise choice. I think too many times we all get caught up in duty and what we should do and don't stop to realize that while we're trying to appear saintly to the rest of the world, we're busy ruining our own lives. We only get one chance at this. Only one and if we all spend the time wallowing in misery and pity for the sake of someone else then we're wasting our time here. She has to think about the environment her daughter will be raised in and if she is thinking that one without an alcoholic in denial is a good one, she's right on the mark. I was in a similar situation many years ago - my husband was supposed to be a recovering heroin addict. He never had a good job, and if he did he never lasted long at it. The world was at fault for every bad thing that happened to him - it was never as a result of his addiction. It was my fault that he was cold even though I already worked 2 jobs and he couldn't even bother to walk the check to pay the heating bill to the mailbox. Always something that someone else did. Finally, I just came home, looked around, decided that there wasn't anything there but some walls and some ratty furniture and packed my kids and left. It took me a year to get a divorce, but it was worth it. My life is completely different now. The last I heard he had been arrested for possession of heroin for the 3rd time and was in jail. My kids, though, are happy in their new home and I have had the chance to retrain for a new job. They are learning the value of hard work and self-respect. I hope that's what this woman's child can learn as well. That there is something better if you take a chance. Ms. X Dear Ms. X, I'm glad you took that chance. And I'm also glad that you are not blaming the world for all the bad things that happened to you either. We can't prevent bad things from happening, but we all can do things to make our lives better. Your kids are very lucky. happy(veryluckytoo)shrink
Dear HappyShrink, Is it true what they say, "Behind every happy shrink is a bunch of needy, lonely people vying for his/her attention?" Sincerely, Judiblueye PS Off to the mall to buy beachware and sunscreen!!! Dear Judiblueye, It's true I have a lot of people vying for my attention, but I don't think they are all so lonely or needy. Some of them even get to take trips to exotic places. I hope you are enjoying Mexico. happy(willtakeavacationoneofthesedays)shrink happ
Date: February 7, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, My younger sister is 9 years old and is starting to act very bizarre. Whenever my parents leave me alone with her to baby sit, she will take watercolor paints and draw strange symbols on the walls. I have seen other drawings like these in her notebooks. They are the same symbols. She will look at her watch, draw them, and then in exactly 1 hour she will go get soap and water and wash them off. I have tried to tell my parents about this, but she cries to them that I'm just being mean and trying to get her into trouble. She is a totally different person when I am alone with her. I'm beginning to be a little scared because she will start chanting nonsense things and even turned off the main breaker for the lights in our house one night! Then she ran around in the dark, hitting the walls and whispering. When my parents come home, she is sweet and normal. I can't make them understand that something is wrong with her. I have asked to not have to baby sit her, but they always say the same thing - it's my responsibility to watch her when they aren't there. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me. Brandi Dear Brandi, If you really think that something is wrong, I would speak to your family doctor, your teachers, or any other adults who might listen to you. If your sister has a real psychological problem she would be doing odd things in front of other people as well. If there have not been any problems like the ones you identified at her school or with her friends, it may just be an issue between you and her. The fact that she hides these behaviors in front of other people indicates to me that she is in control and is looking to get your attention. So what can you do? I would try to communicate with her better during times that she's not acting weird. Younger sisters can be a pain in the neck at times but most of them really want to look up to their big sisters. If they don't get the attention they want, they just might do provocative things. Try to build a positive relationship with your sister and maybe these behaviors will disappear. Let me know what happens. happy(didweirdthingsinfrontofmybigsistertoo)shrink
Dear Happy, HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION: If a friend gives you a vibrator as a birthday gift ~ is she allowed to ask if you've used it? Are you obliged to tell? Just curious just in case I need to know a little vibrator etiquette. love, st(vibrator?whatvibrator?)theresa Dear St. Theresa, Here are a few things you can tell your very generous and loving friend: 1- Could you exchange it? I'm used to much bigger ones. 2- It was pretty good but afterwards, it wouldn't leave. 3- The sex wasn't that good but it had a better personality than most men I have dated in the last 6 months. I'll keep it. 4- Are the batteries supposed to go dead after 4 hours? Who knows; next year she may just buy you a sweater. happy(batteriesnotincluded)shrink
Date: February 6, 2001
Dear Happy, I am acquainted with a woman who has a 15 year old daughter with severe problems. This girl has made 2 attempts to kill herself, although both were half hearted. The doctors are telling her parents that her file is confidential and not giving them very much information. Is this standard practice or is there something else going on here? As a parent of two teenagers I would like to know what a parents rights are in a situation like this? This girl is a minor and her parents have custody of her yet they don't seem to have any say in anything, which I find totally outrageous. They had been told previously, when her problems were first starting, that they could not force her to go to a therapist against her will. She was 14 at the time. Please enlighten me! aa Dear aa, Laws may vary somewhat from state to state, and country to country, however in the case of a "minor" parents have the right of access to records in both medical as well as mental health areas. The only exceptions are in cases where a psychiatrist or medical doctor will go on record as saying that sharing the information will have a significant negative impact on the patient's condition. Even in these cases, an attorney or client advocate can probably secure the information desired. Confidentiality is one of the most important aspects of mental health treatment. Without confidentiality, it is very hard to develop trust. Without trust, the true issues will not emerge. But there are exceptions to confidentiality and clinicians are required to break confidentiality under certain circumstances. If the person has shared information that puts themselves or others in jeopardy, clinicians must share this information. If clinicians have information that is vital for a parent to make decisions in their child's best interest, they must share that as well. In general, most hospitals and clinics are reluctant to share records. There is a perceived risk on the part of institutions that if someone wants to see records they may be looking to cause trouble, through complaints or lawsuits. Sometimes by saying that the record is confidential, they are hoping the issue will be dropped. If your friends had contacted their local department of community mental health, sought the help of an attorney or even threatened to do these things, they probably could have gained access to their child's records. In response to your second question, sending a child for therapy against their will serves no purpose and may even alienate them further from seeking help in the future. If a child is in dire need of treatment and is resistant, involuntary hospitalization may be the only option. Ideally, parents and clinicians should be working together but that involves developing trust. It's not easy and it's often hard to tell the "good guys" from the "bad guys." I hope this enlightens you aa. All comments are welcome. happy(triestobeoneofthegoodguys)shrink
Dear Happy, When you made a list of perfect comebacks from men who are trying to pick you up, you forgot an important scenario Here goes: Man: So, are you here looking for someone to show you a good time? Woman: Actually no, I'm here on business. I'm a single mother of 3 and I love to shop. If you'd like a date, would you just fill out this application? Wind(whatsadate)NWillows Dear Wind, I can see the skid marks the guy left when he heard that comeback. happy(screeeeeeech)shrink
Date: February 5, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I am staring into the future. I can see myself, 10 years down the road with a wife, 2 children or maybe even 3 or 4, a house, a mortgage payment and a mini van. I see going to the same job every day and coming home to the same house every night. I see helping with homework, maybe cooking a meal or 2, relaxing in front of the TV and planning our next "big" vacation. Ok, so I'm 20 years old right now. Part of this image seems very satisfying, the way things should be. Part of me wonders what happened to the fun and excitement that I'm supposed to want out of life. I have always been the dependable person - the designated driver at parties, the leader of the homework group, the steady influence in everyone else's chaotic life. I like this, but at the same time I want to be the one to live on the edge. And yet when I see into the future, to my vision, I know that that is the picture that I will work for and that will be the ultimate goal that I want to obtain. I'm happy, and yet I can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with me. Dudley Do-Right Dear Dudley Do-Right, You are living on the edge. You just don't realize it. To think down the road and imagine yourself married, having kids and having a career are the real challenges of life. Given all the things that can go wrong with marriage, kids and career, your setting your sites on some high risk goals. Your friends who seem to be living the more exciting and chaotic life are running away from challenges and risk. I really wonder if they are as happy as you think. The next ten years of your life sound like they will be very exciting, especially if you achieve all the things you want to. Just don't forget to enjoy the view on your journey into the future. Good luck Dudley. I always thought that Nell was a real hottie! happy(personalfriendofInspectorFenwick)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Wanted to give you and ALL YOUR READERS a PERSONAL INVITE to the GRAND OPENING of my new restaurant. Had to borrow the money from my Mee-Maw for this here restaurant and she INSISTED on helping out by doin' the cookin' and makin' a menu. Edna PS .. BTW .. JeWitch just started a new business ... you can read about it HERE .. but it just doesn't compare with MY NEW BUSINESS .. Time will tell ....
ENTREES
includes sweet pickle spear & small bag of pork rinds MEEMAW'S CHOICE POTTED MEAT ROLL-UPS - Delicate potted meat tenders soaked in a special sauce pressed and rolled inside white bread heels, then batter-dipped 'n' fried to a tasty cracklin' crunch, served with a tangy yellow mustard-mayo dippin' sauce. "THE RANGO" Vienners Smothered & Scattered -- chopped and fried on the grill with reconstituted diced onions and covered with Rango's Secret Cream-Style Sauce (Don't ask cause he won't tell!) served on a bed of macaroni stars with a generous sprinklin' of immitation of baco-style bits.
EPPS
FAMILY HAWAIIAN-STYLE VIENNER KAYBOBS
Vienner chunks, hardboiled eggs, white bread rounds, raisins, yam puffs & pineapple wedges skewered, basted and blackened over a slow burning smudge pot, served with a side of carrot-raisin congealed Jell-O salad with a blob of cool whip. SWERN'S POTTED MEAT SMOOTH GOULASH STEW A generous portion of potted meat cubes, chopped and blended with any or all of the following: spicy country-style beans, baby jalapenos, cornbread, chili, cucumbers, pepper vinegar sauce, pinto beans, onion salt, pickled tiny corn, butter beans, baco-bits, cayenne and pickle relish in a catsup-based red sauce. Served in your choice of consistency: Mashed, Pureed, or Soupy. A favorite with seniors and shut-ins. VIRGINIA McCLENDON'S MOCK COOTER PIE (When In Season) Quartered Vienners and Potted Meat Squares layered with cornmeal mush and redeye gravy sealed in a crushed saltine & mashed potato dumpling, battered and deep-fried to a rich golden brown, covered with a co-cola & karo glaze. With or without grated pork rind topping. NURSE MACWORLD'S NATURAL FOODS PLATTER A medley of good-for-you yet lip-smackin dishes for the non-meat eater: Vienner-style vegetable product extrusions, creamed corn congealed salad with mayo dollop, Big Dipper corn chips, Gummi Apple O's, Boiled Carrot Balls and Cream Cheese Potato Pups. Winner of the Vienner Biennial Food Festival Institutional Lunch Food Award (Medical Division).
SIDES
'n SNACKS
Fries 3 Ways Home-style Fries Spiral Fries Shoestring Fries Pair o' Vienners with White Bread with Saltines Vienner Dog Combo Vienner Dog Combo with Easy Cheese Potted Meat Melt Twice-Fried Potted Meat on a Stick Imitation-Style Pan-Fried Squares Stir Fried Pre-Formed Vienner Hot Wings
DRINKS
Coffee
Sweet Tea Coffee Punch Blackberry Acid Kool-Aid RC
DESSERTS
Scoop-O-Freeze Whipped Jello Mold Squares Imitation Frozen Yogurt Surprise Creamed Corn Cake with Chocolate Flavored Sauce
Frosted
Marshmallow Cups
Dear Edna, Your menu is so mouthwatering I wouldn't be surprised if you were dating Emeril. happy(BAMMMMMM!)shrink
Date: February 4, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, Thank you for responding to my letter about my husband. I guess I knew the answer all along but I was afraid to face it. Our problems are a lot greater than his pot smoking. He's irresponsible, selfish and dishonest. I don't want my daughter to grow up with those kind of values. I was avoiding it because it means some tough going financially but I can't ignore it any longer. Next week I will be seeing an attorney. Thank you again for your insight. I was just the push I needed. anon Dear anon, This is a very difficult process you are going through. I have known others who have gone through it and there are a lot of challenges ahead. It may get worse before it starts to get better. All I can say is that it's better to start the process now than to wait another year or two or more and feel even more trapped. Good luck and please don't hesitate to write me if you need some support. happy(faceschallengesaheadtoo)shrink
Dear Happy, I came across this and thought it would be interesting for your web page. WindNWillows Enjoy...... Close your eyes.....and go back in time.... Before the Internet or the MAC, Before semi-automatics and crack, Before SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back........ I'm talking about hide-and-seek at dusk. The Good Humor man, Red light, green light. The corner store. Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch, jacks, kickball, dodgeball. Mother May I? Red Rover and Roly Poly. Hula Hoops. Running through the sprinkler; The smell of the sun and licking salty lips.... Wax lips and mustaches! An ice cream cone on a warm summer night; Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe butter pecan. A Cherry Coke from the soda fountain at the corner drug store. Wait...... Watching Saturday morning cartoons... short commercials... Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs, Or staying up for Gunsmoke. Or back further, listening to Superman on the radio. When around the corner seemed far away, And going downtown seemed like going Somewhere. A million mosquito bites. Sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Zorro. Climbing trees. Building igloos out of snow banks. Walking to school, no matter what the weather was. Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. Being tired from playing.... Remember that? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.I'm not finished yet -- eating Kool-aid powder. Remember when... There were only two types of sneakers for girls and boys: Keds & PF Flyers, and the only time you wore them at school was for "Gym." It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter was a miracle. When milk went up a penny and everyone talked about it for weeks. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And you didn't pay for air in the tires. And you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you had one. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When it was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody - not even the kid - thought a thing of it. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ..and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to what awaited a misbehaving student when arriving home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them! Didn't that feel good.. just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! Remember when............ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. New abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog dare." Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life -- I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!! Dear Wind, Yeah, I remember just about all that stuff except maybe for Superman on the radio. I do remember Superman on TV though. I even remember both Lois Lanes. (Phyllis Coates and Noel Neil). I remember the cartoon version of Superman. The voice of that Superman was Bud Collier. He was also the host of "Beat the Clock" and "To Tell the Truth." I also remember ring-a-leave-io, skully, punch ball, Zorro trading cards, and rocket pops. So why can't I remember where I put my shoes? happy(shorttermmemorycrisis)shrink
Date: February 3, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, My husband is a pot smoker and I really didn't mind it for a long time. We now have a 3 year old daughter and he continues to smoke in front of her. I have expressed my concerns about it and he just dismisses it as my being silly. He says he will stop smoking in front of her when she turns five years old. Am I just being overly sensitive or are my concerns valid? anon. Dear anon, My concerns are even greater than yours. If your husband feels the need to smoke pot in front of his child, what does that say about him? What does it say about his need to smoke pot? This may be a bigger problem than how it just affects your child. Being a parent involves growing up, taking responsibility for your actions and setting an example. Your husband is failing miserably on all counts. I really think the two of you need to assess what kind of life you want to lead and what kind of values you want to impart to your child. The illegality of pot smoking is not even the issue. The need to get high is. The argument or excuse I usually get when I raise pot smoking as values issue is that so many others do the same or even worse. That's true. We have millions of potheads, alcoholics and other substance abusers in the world. Is that something to be proud of? What is the price we pay for these addictions? Among others, it's ruined relationships, dysfunctional families, broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. Don't let your family pay this price anon. Do something about it NOW! happy(climbingdownoffthesoapbox)shrink
Dear Happy, What is the best way to have a pleasant night at the Dew Drop Inn, cop a few feels and avoid getting arrested? DUI Dear DUI, In your case there are three rules to follow: 1. Take public transportation 2. Avoid competitions like who can pee the longest or the furthest. 3. Make sure that the feels you cop are from women over the age of 18. happy(coppinganattitude)shrink
Date: February 2, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I have an anxiety disorder and occasional panic attacks. My psychiatrist has prescribed Klonopin as needed but cautioned me that I have to be careful because it can be addictive. How addictive is Klonopin and how much can I take safely? MS Dear MS, Klonopin belongs to the class of drugs called benzodiazepines. They are controlled substances that relieve anxiety and can also be used as an anticonvulsant. The dosage of Klonopin will vary significantly depending on the person and the disorder. Most psychiatrists will start a patient off with between .5 and 1 mg per day. The dosage can go up to as much as 20 mg, however this is rare. While there is a risk of dependency with all benzodiazepines, it is a safe drug if you take it properly. Your psychiatrist is best qualified to go over the precautions and side effects. I would suggest you speak with him/her. In general, it's a good idea to refrain or at least limit alcohol usage while you are taking Klonopin. Avoid driving or other activities that require your being alert as it can cause drowsiness. Remember also that the purpose of Klonopin is to reduce your anxiety and relieve your panic attacks. It's purpose is not to make you feel good, mellow, happy, etc. As long as you use it for the right purpose, the risk of addiction is small. Good luck MS. happy(tryingtousetheInternetfortherightpurposebutstilladdicted)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Are there any effective ways to blow off a guy who's trying to pick you up in a bar. I'm trying not to have the same reputation as my mom, but right now everybody in Orlando thinks I'm a slut. How can tell guys to get lost so they will not come back. Lucy Hoppenstadder Dear Lucy, I just happen to have a list of typical pick up lines that guys use and perfect comebacks when they use them on you: Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing I hope these lines work for you. If they don't you might want to consider not going to bars until your 15th birthday. happy(wasyoungoncebutcan'trememberwhen)shrink
Date: February 1, 2001
Dear Happyshrink, I'm not sure if you know a lot about eating disorders, but I don't know who else to send this to. I've had a binge eating disorder for the past year. It started after I went on a crash diet. I've gained a lot of weight. I've tried to return to normal eating habits on my own, but I always fail. I haven't told anyone about my bingeing, but I'm starting to see that I need help. Professional treatment is not an option. I just need some guidelines on how to stop making food the center of my universe. My self-esteem has plummeted, as I am very ashamed about this. Being a dancer does not help my body image either (I'm still in high school.) I go on diets to lose the 20 or so pounds I've gained this past year, but then I get too hungry and end up bingeing, and the cycle starts all over again. I need help LL Dear LL, Eating disorders have grown in epidemic proportions over the past 20 years, particularly with teenage girls. I don't know how serious your condition is but you may require some professional treatment. Binge eating and some of the activities associated with it can result in serious medical problems. It can even be life threatening. If you want to try something else at this point, I would suggest you try a support program like Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous. If these programs don't work for you after a couple of months, then I would urge you to seek professional help. On TV and in magazines we may see miracle diets or pills that seem too good to be true. They are too good to be true. Even without an eating disorder, most people find it difficult to maintain proper nutrition. Finding a healthy way to relate to food and put it into proper perspective is a lifelong task. It never gets easy. Being a dancer and getting a good deal of exercise is a plus. Don't let your dancing become an obsession for needing to be "skinny." It's not worth it. It's not a option to ignore this LL and there are no quick fixes. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Get the help you need now. Work with your parents, your physician and you teachers. Good luck and please feel free to write me again.
Dear Happyshrink, I was just reading me something from the web about Pia Zadora. Apparently she played Anne Frank in a play somewhere .. The article said that she was SOOOOO BAD .. that when the German's arrived at the house .. The audience all yelled out, "She's in the attic." JeWitch Dear JeWitch, That's not the end of the story. The Germans wanted to punish the family that was hiding Pia, so they just left her there. happy(hidinginthebasement)shrink
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