Letters January 1 -15, 2001

I'm interested in the subject of humor and possible medical benefits. Can you help with resources? Bibliography? Can we prove that "laughter is the best medicine"? Many thanks.

While I have not done actual research myself, I have seen humor help people to reduce stress, overcome personal problems, improve their physical and mental health, and become happier more fulfilled people. There is a web site that does have some resources on the subject. It's called Laughing Out Loud to Good Health. Click here. Good luck with your search.

You can't believe how embarrassed and depressed I am. JeWitch sent me these rules about how to have a weddin'. My Earl and me broke every rule. Momma is practicing her psychiatric counseling (Wash House Shrinks, experts in mental disorders of all kinds) on me. But it ain't helpin' so far. Kin you help with some shrink words?

It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the brides parents, it is NOT necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch ____ and ____ make it legal on ______." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you ain't doing nothin' on _____ why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and ____'s having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our wedding."

For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is NOT the occasion to show the world how big "THEY" are. For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. As the ceremony is concluded, you and ____ should realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither the time nor the place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That's why the video camera was invented.

Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!!

JeWitch's "rules" are actually guidelines. You don't have to follow them at all if you don't want to. What's most important is that you, Earl and DUI are happy. As long as there is a case of beer in your trailer I think that's going to be a done deal....so long as you make sure DUI doesn't go out driving. Send my regards to your momma. I hope her caseload is growing.

Thank you for your wise and helpful words to Alana. Exercise is a great idea for many health problems and depression is no exception. If you look at depression as the loss of hope and the loss of power, exercise builds on both of those human needs. All of us need to feel like we have the power to make our lives better and the hope to dream of great things. At sixteen, Alana needs to feel that way. At thirty, forty or (cough, cough) fifty something, we need to feel that way too. Live long and prosper cnot.

Thank you for your response to my question, however, what I was wondering about was if there were any dangerous reactions when you cross Ritalin with the Celexa. And, I haven't been really taking the Ritalin "on my own." I have been monitored by my pediatrician (not the psychiatrist, I have only seen him once since I have been seeing a therapist).

I would also like to know if there are any reliable holistic medications to
resolve stress levels, that are normally brought about by my own doing.

Alana

I am pleased that your medications are being monitored by physicians. Generally speaking, there are no major reactions to taking Celexa and Ritalin, but everyone reacts differently to medications and it's your job to report and physical or mental side effects that seem unusual. You should also discuss with your therapist (and/or psychiatrist) if taking Ritalin is still a good idea. I realize that many Pediatricians prescribe Ritalin without getting a psychiatric consultation. Now that you are seeing a therapist and taking an antidepressant, it would be a good idea for a psychiatrist to evaluate your need for Ritalin at age 16.

I am not very well versed on holistic medications, however I do believe that proper nutrition and some holistic remedies can be helpful to you. I would suggest you see a nutritionist who also has a holistic approach to good physical and mental health.

Lastly Alana, your therapy is possibly the most critical part of your treatment. Work with your therapist to find ways to deal with stress and solve little problems before they become big ones. Good luck and stay in touch.

Dear HappyShrink:

I am a 16 year old girl, who has depression and is in the early stages of
becoming bulimic, not to mention temptation to cut. I was just put on Celexa 2 days ago, and I am wondering what the reaction would be if I were to take this with my Ritalin (I also have ADD, and have
been on and off Ritalin, by my own doing, for 6 years).

Alana

All of your medication should be prescribed and monitored by a psychiatrist. If you have been taking Ritalin on your own, that can be very dangerous. Ritalin can lose it's effectiveness and even have an opposite effect after puberty. Psychoactive medications are most effective when a psychiatrist oversees the treatment. The symptoms you have described are serious ones but can be controlled provided you get the right treatment.

It is common to substitute an antidepressant such as Celexa to replace Ritalin. In other cases, a psychiatrist may want you to take both Ritalin and an antidepressant together. These are issues you need to discuss with your physician. I would also suggest a support group for your eating disorder. Get the help you need now Alana so you can enjoy a full and happy life. Please feel free to write again and let me know how things are going.

Women

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

No wonder we are good at lifting heavy stuff. Just look at the "loads" we have to put up with.

I am afraid to open cans because I'm afraid that when I do there will be a big, fat bug sitting right on the top. Yesterday I had to open a can and I couldn't because I was so afraid. I started crying. Finally after an hour I opened the can, but I won't even touch the lid with anything but a fork. I stick the fork under the lid and flip it over. Then if there isn't anything on top I pour everything into this glass bowl that I have and examine it carefully. Even then sometimes I just throw it out because I start to imagine what has gotten stuck in there. I'm very unhappy because sometimes I want to eat things that come in cans like tuna and I just can't do it. I don't even know why I'm like this. Can you help me?

It sounds like you are suffering from either a phobia or an anxiety disorder. Fears like you described can also be the symptom of early trauma. To be sure, you should see a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis. The treatment options range from medication to cognitive behavioral therapy. Get the help you need now. Let me know what happens.

MEN ??? ARE YOU OUT THERE ??? READ THIS LIST .. MEMORIZE IT .. and NEXT YEAR, GOD HELP YOU IF YOU BREAK EVEN ONE OF THESE RULES:

1.    Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a  blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and who needs a man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2.    Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3.    Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4.    Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her.  "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5.    Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is.   Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

6.    No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eau de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7.    Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.)

8.    Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute  you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like wearing white after Labor Day.

9.    Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I'm not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.

10.   Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

What should I do with my roommate's fish? I hate it - he never cleans the tank and it smells! It's a really big fish, too. Should I make my roommate get rid of it? We agreed on pets if we took care of them and he's not. I don't have pets because I don't have time for any. I'm really annoyed!

Your roommate is being inconsiderate to the fish as well as you. I would read him/her the riot act and if there's no response, look for a new roommate.

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening, when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day .............

Hahahaha .. yeah right !! Like Social Services would let her KEEP HER KIDS if she had any !!! Haahahaha. Let me quote HER here, something I heard her say to one of Edna's kids, "Just because I'm not listening, doesn't mean I can't hear you."

All I can say to you is that JeWitch is a woman of many talents. Learn to appreciate her. You know why? Because she's listening!!!!

This is a delicate situation because your parents are helping you out by having your son live with them for now. At the same time they must realize that you have not given up your role as a mother and legal guardian. I don't think it's a good idea for your son to live with him until he's eighteen. While he may not want to live with you at the present time, I suspect that life with grandma and grandpa will grow tiresome at some point. For now though, it gives both you and your son a cooling off period.

One possible way deal with the situation between you and your parents would be to have a session with your parents and your therapist. This will give you an opportunity to have an ally on hand while you explain to your parents what their role should be and what your role should be. It would also help them if they knew what educational evaluators, psychiatrists and probation officers are suggesting as far as dealing with your son's behavior. The more they understand, the more they can be helpful and less adversarial.

This is a very tough time for all of you ocdnetangel and I don't know if there is a perfect solution. Keep the lines of communication open. As long as you are talking to one another, the opportunity for improvement remains alive.

Dear Happy,

You might remember a few months ago I told you that I got a Toy Poodle. First thing I did was ask my friend, and yours WindnWillows some questions because she is so good with animals. Well, JeWitch told me to FORGET EVERYTHING that Windy told me and to abide by these rules, HER RULES, when it comes to selecting a pet. She wrote it down for me because it was just TOO MUCH TO ABSORB at one time. She said to take it to the pet shop with me next time I go shopping for a pet. Here it is:

A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

-- Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

-- Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.

-- Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.

-- Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

-- Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.

-- Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.

-- Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

-- For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.

-- Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet, remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a hand-held rotating saw.

-- For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.

-- Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the
inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.

-- Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.

-- Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.

Is it normal if you wake up during the night to think that there are things in the room with you? I am 17 and this has been happening for awhile. I think that there might be something in the house that my parents don't know about. Am I crazy?

If this is a regular occurrence it might be a good idea to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Sometimes people can have nightmares that seem so real, they believe that it's really happening. Recurrent nightmares may be an indication of anxiety problems and other conflicts. Seeking professional help can reduce or eliminate these feelings Lizard Girl. Get the help you need now so you can sleep well in the future.

So much water has gone under the bridge since I last wrote you. Momma and I went to Tuscaloosa to gather up what was left of her things after the tornado. Twern't much, I tell ya. We found the cat up a tree and her box of memories near the park play ground and a few articles of clothing, not all hers, I think, but Uncle Teddy was safe and his trailer wasn't even touched. Tornado's are funny that way, aren't they? Well, we decided that it was the Lord's will that Momma come closer to her daughter. I'll need her commin' up, with the baby and all, since I really don't know nothin' about babies and I don't want to mess mine up and it maybe turn out like that slut Edna's youngins. (ya know what I mean)

Anyhow, we got Momma settled in right after we went by the Goodwill to pick up some threads and we're startin' on our totally new way of life (me married, gonna have a baby and my Earl still gittin' up ever mornin' and goin to work with Dui) Can you even believe it?

So I was readin' your people writin' to you and figured me and Momma have the qualifications for a perfect , in home, job. Do you realize that, between us, we have expertise in every life experience anyone could imagine. We have intimate knowledge, being a regular at 8 different trailer park wash houses, of the ways of the human mind. We even have experience with the depression of deep loss, that bein' Momma's home to a tornado and Thelma's confiscated Dildo Chad. (We are a little short on the tribulations of rich people, so you can have them as clients.) So we are havin' business cards made up.... Wash House Shrinks, experts in mental disorders of all kinds. We are gonna start by puttin' our cards in the washhouses of every trailer park and Laundromat here in Orlando. They is real good people in trailer parks, but they could use the wisdom of experience some time. But I promise, the hard ones, I'll send to you.

I think you and your momma would be great for giving advice to trailer park people. Maybe you could start by helping Edna's kids. They write to me all the time and sometimes I just don't seem to have the right answers for them. You and your momma could probably figure them out and give them the guidance they need to survive Edna and Bubba as role models. Good luck Gind and please keep me updated on all the good work you and your momma do for your clients.

I am always paranoid that some of the people at work are talking bad about me behind my back. They do talk about other people behind their back around me. I feel one of the girls is always trying to be better than me at the job and will tell the boss something negative about me which could turn him against me. I have never felt this way at any other job. Am I being too paranoid?

Dear LW,

There are some work environments where people talk behind people's backs and look for opportunities to bad mouth others. These work environments don't only cause paranoia. They can create stress, anxiety and depression in other aspects of your life. It is possible that other stressors in your life can be causing this paranoia. Only you can determine that. Given the fact that you haven't experienced these feelings in other work environments, I would say that there's a good chance you are not imagining it.

So I guess the million dollar question is, what do you do? It is unlikely that the environment will change. Your options are to either cope with it or find a new job. My vote is finding a new job, but that's your decision to make and yours alone. Good luck and let me know what you decide.

happy(atworkandplay)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I'm considering become a psychologist. I'd like to help others. Have any words of wisdom?

Dear K,

I have a few suggestions for you. You can take a course or two in psychology if you are in college. If you are not in school, you might still look into an adult education course or audit a course at a local community college. Secondly, you might want to volunteer at a human services agency. If there is a "Y" or community center in your area, that might be a good starting place to find out about volunteer opportunities.

Lastly K, I would talk to people in the field. Find out about the opportunities, salaries, pros and cons. Like any field you would consider, there are no guarantees but the more you know, the better chance you have at making the right career decision. Good luck.

happy(madetherightcareerdecision)shrink

Dear Happy,

That IDIOT Bush is about to become our President .. and before he did I thought it would be a KINDLY GESTURE to write Mr. Clinton a "Thank-you" letter. Please let me know if I forgot anything.

JeWitch

Dear Mr. President:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica
Lewinsky, Dolly Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Are there any others that we should know about?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was about 10 or so to discuss it with him, but now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IT" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag The Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her too.

Sincerely, JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I can't wait to hear the thank you list you come up with when George Bush steps down from the Presidency. I am sure you will be as magnanimous with him as you have been with "Bubba" Clinton.

happy(hoorayforHillary)shrink

I do think it might be a good idea for him to stay with his grandparents for awhile. He may need a break from you as much as you need a break from him. While giving the both of you a "timeout" may ease the stress level, there is still a need for you to communicate on a regular basis. I would try to schedule a weekly meeting where you can spend some "non confrontational" time together. Perhaps you could meet on neutral territory like a mall, a movie theatre, a coffee shop, etc.

Your alien teen is a very troubled young man who will need a lot of attention, support and understanding over the next few years. It may be more than you bargained for ocdnetangel, but that's the reality you are dealing with. Try to find opportunities to show support and caring. No doubt there will also be conflict and confrontation, but if he can relate to you in a positive way even for a short time, it may help the situation. Please update me on his diagnosis and treatment plan.

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice Spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist.
How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Hippie Bastards.
-Santa

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you . While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
-Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
-Santa

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokeman cards
than me. Please see what you can do.
Love Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind.
Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these
stupid Jap cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders".
-Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,
a pony and a tuba.
Love Francis

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk and carrots give me the shits. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a
bottle of Captain and some Toblerone.
-Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my
time squeezing cocktail waitresses tits and losing all my cash at the crap
tables.
-Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake like
in the song?
Love Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you that fucking gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping
your house.
-Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work
up here.
You're getting a sweater again.
-Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love
Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
-Santa

Too bad Christmas isn't all year round. I could have worked this into a full time job. Don't you think?

There's always the Tooth Fairy and Mother Nature. Just think of all the dollars and quarters you could embezzle and the rain forest you could sell off.

Though I love my parents, I do come from critical, perfectionist, control-freak parental stock. I have experienced depression (or sever anxiety) 6-7 times in my life (39 yrs old). I am now taking low level anxiety meds (Lorazapam) and Serzone. They seem to help. I am seeing a very good counselor and reading books such as "Inner Child of Your Past"; "I'm OK, You're OK"; and "Feeling Good". I know I need to "talk nice to myself". Question: what self talk techniques do you recommend when the negative thoughts start to invade? Thanks so much for all you do for people.

Self talk techniques or more commonly called "affirmations" can be helpful tools to combat negative thinking. There are books written on the subject and there is no one affirmation that works for everyone. Some things that I say to myself when I feel like I didn't measure up the my own perfectionist "internalized" parent are:

I don't guarantee that these affirmations will work for you, but I hope the last one makes you laugh when your mind starts being invaded by negative thoughts. Sometimes putting negativity in perspective is all you need to get out of it. Let me know if you come up with other ideas.

Don't feel too bad. JeWitch only sent this card to two friends and I was the other one.

I take 150 mg of Effexor for 2 years now. Its hard for me to tell if its still working. Is there a danger in staying on Effexor for many years? Any reports on "poop-out"? My Doc had prescribed them and then moved away - he told me to see someone else, but I haven't yet - that was a year and a half ago. I buy Effexor and take it on my own. The only side effect I'm conscious of after all this time is the sexual dysfunction. Thanks

Effexor is a prescription drug that should be only taken under the supervision of a medical doctor and preferably, a psychiatrist. While the side effects of Effexor are less than some other anti-depressants and doctors may prescribe it on a long term basis, it is always dangerous to self medicate. I would urge you to see another physician and fill him/her in on your history. Perhaps you need a change in the dosage, or there may be a more effective treatment. These are decisions that should be made in conjunction with a doctor M***. Good luck and let me know what the doctor says.

I have really been struggling the past few weeks with deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I was to the point where I had every intention of going to my therapists and making my farewells. I wanted each one to know how much I had appreciated them, but I would not be coming back. So, on Tuesday, January 2, 2001, I met with my first one and tried to convey that I believed that nothing beyond this point was necessary. Jonathan is not an actual therapist, he is a person that deals with energy, and natural healing, but he and I talk about things like I would a therapist. I feel close to him, or I guess I should say, more relaxed and trusting toward him than I usually do. Some how, and from where I don't know, I told him that there have been so many times I have wanted someone to just hold me. He told me there had been many times he had felt like I needed to be held but did not want to impose. I felt so embarrassed, and yet there was a strong urge to allow him to do so. You know how I hate to be touched, and yet in that room today, Jonathan held me like a child. I can not possibly describe the true feeling, but during that brief encounter, I felt a part of me relax. It was as if something that needed to be experienced had finally been done. I felt safe, warm, and strangely sleepy. I feel so much better than I did, and better than I have in quite awhile. Sort of content, maybe even a little happy. Such a simple thing, I never would have thought it could be so profound.

I know that your therapy has taken a very intense direction over the past several weeks and I'm not surprised that it has created stress to the point of having suicidal thoughts. Being held and feeling safe is an important breakthrough for you. Not only does it mean that you are ready to trust others, but you are also ready to trust yourself.

There is still long road to travel Methos but perhaps now you can see the destination. Keep going. You are on the right path.

Happy,

Edna got her first credit card and IMMEDIATELY made her purchase to one of those INFO-MERCIAL kind of companies you see on the TV .. The operator said to her .. "Would you spell the name EXACTLY as it appears on the credit card, please." Edna told the lady, " V-I-S-A." The operator hung up on her .. guess she thought it was a prank call.

JeWitch

It's just as well that the operator hung up on Edna. She has enough "Billy the talking Bass" plaques in her trailer.

I was just wanting to vent and see if you have any advise for me. It is not my lovely alien teens, because I pawned them off on family for the second week of Christmas break. They are due home today....yeah! Anyway we have family visiting from out of town. They are staying 9 days(9 days to long). He is ok, because I can ask him not to do something and he doesn't do it, but by the time they leave, she is going to drive me insane!

I love him to pieces but do not like her very much. She hangs on my shoulder when I am on line, wanting to read everything. That is like taking the mail out of my box and opening it, very rude and something you just don't do. When they got here, I gave them clean towels and showed them which towels to use in the bathroom and which ones were the boys. Well here she is using the boys dirty towels! She doesn't ask for anything just starts digging through my drawers and cupboards! Of all the nerve! Then she forgot to bring her hair dryer, so instead of asking if she could go into my bedroom and bathroom, she just goes in there and starts digging! I could just scream. I have already been guarding the kitchen, she does the dishes in cold water!!

All you can really do is not invite them next year. I have known people like this woman and the only thing you can be sure of is that she's not going to change just because you "correct" them. Some people feel very entitled and will assume they can treat other people's property as it it were their own. The don't really understand why you would be upset because they would do the same in their own home. As far as respecting privacy on the computer, it's hard to explain that to someone who hasn't experienced Internet chat and relationships on line. It appears to them as novel and unreal.

It's hard for people to change ocdnetangel. You know that about yourself. Next year, make alternate arrangements or limit the visit to only a few days. Happy New Year and keep up all the good work you have accomplished in the year 2000.

Happy,

If you are really, REALLY, REALLY sure you are in the will .. is it considered to be in BAD TASTE to take a U-Haul to the funeral ??

Edna

I have just started therapy and I'm not sure what to do. Let me explain my situation: About a year ago I decided to separate from my lover of many years (I am a lesbian) and decided to seek counseling because it was a very depressing time for me. Now I find that I am having a hard time sleeping, I don't want to go out any more and I avoid my friends with whom my lover and I shared contact. Oh - I didn't go to counseling right away because I thought I would just need some time to "get over it." So I just started a couple of weeks ago. My problem is that I'm not even interested in counseling. I go because I'm very punctual and very responsible about my appointments, but my heart isn't in it. My therapist has brought this up with me and I'm trying to talk about it, but all I really want is for the time to be over. How do I prepare better for my meetings when I just don't feel like it? I know I have to work things out, but I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I don't think it will help. I'm also afraid that if I don't go I'll never get back in because with the insurance it's nearly impossible to go in the first place. I need a boost or something. Can you give me any advice on what to do?

It takes a long time to get over a long term relationship. It is not uncommon that after a year you would still feel depressed and lonely. Distancing yourself from friends and loved ones is also part of this dynamic. It is also hard to share painful feelings with a therapist. After only a couple of weeks, I'm not surprised that you still feel reluctant to share.

The fact that you began therapy is an indication to me that you want to change the way you are feeling and behaving. But doing so means taking new risks and climbing out of a deep hole. It takes energy and courage to do this Lonely Gal. Sometimes it may just seem easier to remain depressed and isolated. Nobody can give you the courage or motivation to overcome your depression. Only you can tell yourself that you deserve more than a solitary life. Your therapist can help you but you need to help your therapist. Now that we are in the New Year, make a resolution to work hard and be courageous. You deserve it Lonely Gal. Good luck and feel free to write me again.

Hi. Mildred again. I'm still recovering from no purse. Thank GOD they found my wallet. All the credit cards were gone and my driver's license and the $200 cash from my paycheck, but I did get the wallet, which I had bought on clearance at WalMart. Not just every day that you find one of those wallets. Gilbert has one that he got at WalMart, to, and it's really holding up well, what with all the stuff he's got in it.

Yesterday, JeWitch broke her record for being weird. It was noon and I was just getting up (my part time job don't allow me to sleep in like I used to) and I just happened to have my window open and she had her window open, too. I saw her running around in her kitchen, throwing things and banging her cabinets and such. She kept screaming "I cannot make these sandwiches without my dildo recipe! Where is it??!!" Hasn't anyone told her that you need bread for a sandwich? And you just go out and BUY a dildo - there's no homemade ones. She's got to start thinking about things a little more. You need to talk with her, Happyshrink. Someone should explain this stuff and it should be you.

Thank goodness you got your WalMart wallet back. $7.99 plus tax is hard to come by where you live. As far as explaining stuff to JeWitch, I don't think I have enough malpractice insurance to do that.

Postings from January 1-15, 2001