Postings from December 1-15, 2000

Date: December 15, 2000 

Dear Happyshrink,

Just wanted to share something w/you: I'm constantly discriminated against because of an unfortunate diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder, psychotic features, and OCD.

I thought I had it well under control when I was in school, so after having earned my Bachelor's degree, I went to grad school. That's when things fell apart. I discovered that by being a man, I'm automatically a misogynist-or so the liberal man haters tell me. I stood up for myself by telling those Freud wannabes how full of it they are. This act of asserting myself cost me any chance of earning a Master's in their program. 

Lesson #1: Whenever a feminist tells you that men are worthless, you're supposed to be politically correct and verbally agree (if they are in some power position). Because I lack computer skills at this point, I'm not qualified to do much other than scrub dishes. Unfortunately, no one will hire me. Perhaps I come across as "overqualified". So there I sat, w/no way to pay bills or receive expensive dental care, all because I dare to refuse to be run over by some angry and unreasonable feminist. Anyway, I decided that I would look into SSI and disability. 

Lesson #2: Guess what? Social Security tells me that indeed I am disabled, which now entitles me to receive forgiveness from the federal government. for the $70,000 dollars I borrowed in order to receive a top quality education. Additionally, I will receive dental care, food stamps, psychiatric attention, etc., and the best part of all is that those who sought to kick me out of their school, businesses, etc., will have to pay for ALL of it! Sometimes, justice DOES triumph!

R.

Dear R,

Being approved for Social Security Disability is no easy feat even for someone suffering from a severe and persistent mental illness. You are very fortunate to have been approved and I hope you can make the best of your life despite your illness.

I do feel a need to comment about your view on feminism and feminists. While there are extremists in all groups of people, the feminist movement is not about male hating or male bashing. It's about giving women equal opportunities, equal status, equal political power and equal economic power. There may be differences of opinion on the degree that inequality exists and there may even be men who believe that in such areas as child custody and divorce, women are give preferential treatment. Universities should be places where an open exchange of ideas are aired and done so passionately. While your experiences may have embittered you towards some of your fellow students, I don't think all of them were man haters and I don't think this was the reason your educational aspirations fell apart. 

It's important to remember that it's less than 100 years that women have the right to vote. It's less than 200 years that women have the right to own property. In the US, four million women every year are battered badly enough by their spouses or boy friends to require treatment in a hospital emergency room. Over 5000 women each year are murdered by spouses or boy friends. The statistics on the other side are miniscule. 

You may have good reason to feel bitter R, but so do many women. Bitterness doesn't solve the problem and it certainly doesn't help you to move forward with your life. The majority of men and women out there are not bitter and I hope you find a way to overcome your bitterness as well. It's the first step in your rehabilitation. Good luck and please feel free to write again.

happy(makelovenotwar)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

My Momma always told me, that no matter the status of the person you meet, there is something to learn from every one. And you are my inspiration. You always have good advise and you have a job. So I decided that my Earl and me weren't gonna git married lessen he got a job. That took some talkin, I'll tell ya, but Dui, him bein' a workin' man hisself, helped me (he's such a good man). But I'm gittin' ahead o' myself.

As I told you, cousin Thelma and Dui decided they wanted to live together and was gonna take the sofabed. Well Mrs. Hoy was put in a nursin' home and her daughter rented Thelma the trailer just 5 spaces down from Edna. They got it furnished and cheap. So we git ta keep the sofabed and Dui's Jesus sandals. Well, Dui got my Earl an interview with his boss fer Friday mornin' when Earl was gonna take him ta the job site. Dui and Earl was so happy they went down to the What Not Inn and celebrated Thursday night (Dui got paid). Come midnight my Earl come in kinda drunk and went to pukin' . He musta gotten somethin' bad ta drink. Anyhow, I got him tucked in and then got ta worryin' about his job interview.

I decided ta set the clock up to 6:30 AM and git him up at 2:30 AM an tell him it was time to go to work and make him breakfast. He was feelin' really bad but he loves me and he got up and ate bacon eggs an' grits. When he was through, I told him it was only 3 AM and he could go back ta bed. He was all healed by 6:30AM and picked up DUI and got the job at Dui's jobsite. On Saturday, all the trailer park women come over and said they would help have a weddin' . There is no people like trailer park people. Even that slut Edna offered one of her ex's who was a Notary to sign the weddin' license. (Edna loves weddins)

So my life has taken another turn and I'm gonna git married next Saturday next ta the laundry room and everyone is comin' and bringin' a dish ta pass and whatever they want ta drink. Just in time too, my weddin dress was gittin' snug. Kin you believe it? But, why I was writin' is cuz we want you to come ta the weddin'. it is awful weather up north and we had to run the fans down here to keep the dogs cool. And we kin open the sofabed. You is like kin to us.

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

I would be delighted come to your wedding as well as renew my acquaintance with Edna however, this is a very busy time of the year for me. Work is at a frenzied pace. We are all pulling double shifts here and if I miss any time, the elves start to slack off and drink eggnog. Perhaps in January, I can use some of my vacation days. Have a wonderful wedding and joyous holiday Gind.

happy(hohoho)shrink

 

Date: December 14, 2000 

Dear Happyshrink,

This Christmas will not be a joyful one for our family because of the death of our 13 year old  dog Rex. Rex has been the only pet that our children (9 and 11) have known and they are devastated. They have already told me that they don't want presents for Christmas because it can't take the place of Rex.  I have considered getting another dog for Christmas but all my friends tell me that's a bad idea. They say that we need time to grieve for Rex and once we are over it, then we should get a new dog. Do you have any opinions about getting a new dog and how to get over our loss? Rex was a member of our family and his death has hit all of us very hard. Any suggestions would be most appreciated.

SS

Dear SS,

The loss of a pet is no trivial matter and I truly can empathize with your family's loss. I don't know who is giving you advice about when it's time to get a new pet, but your family and not your friends should decide when it's the right time. Christmas seems like a natural to me, but I think you should discuss it with your spouse and your children. 

As far as shortening the grieving process, perhaps your family can participate in a memorial activity that acknowledges the  passing of your pet and all the joy that he brought you. Just as we need closure in the passing of humans, we need it for pets too. If you haven't already done so, I would suggest you plan such an activity and involve you children in it's planning. There is still 11 days to Christmas and there is still time for your family to get into the Christmas spirit. I wish you the best.

happy(stillhassomeshoppingtodo)shrink

 

Dear JeWitch,

Shame on you! For New Yorkers like myself, a parking space is holy ground. It's folks like you that make us have to run traffic lights, honk our horns, and make illegal turns. Get a job already! I recently got a letter from Methos and she thinks you should consider a career in comedy:

Date: December 13, 2000 

Dear Got an Icepack,

Men don't like to use assembly instructions for a lot of reasons. They are usually very complicated, they have big words that we don't understand and they are usually in print too small to see.  My reason for disliking assembly instructions is the "estimated construction time." Once I tried using instructions with an estimated construction time of 20 minutes. After 3 hours of blood sweat and tears I had extra parts, missing parts and something that didn't quite resemble what I bought. So I gave it to a woman to figure out and watched a football game.

happy(passthedoritos)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

Never let a man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Mommy

Dear Mommy,

Didn't you die 7 years ago?

happy(stillhasthatvoicerattlinginhishead)shrink

 

Date: December 12, 2000 

Dear Happy,

Why is it so hard for me to say "no" to people. I do favors for people I don't even like or want as friends. I always seem to be the giver and never the receiver. This has gone on for a long time and I'm getting sick of it. I know it's my own fault. I'm not trying to blame others. Can you suggest a way I can stop it? 

worn out

Dear worn out,

There are many reasons why people like, want or need to be givers. Not all of them are bad reasons either. I know that for me, giving always means receiving back something even greater than I gave. Others are compelled by religious or cultural values. Then there are some people who give to others because they either fear rejection, are looking for unrequited love or feel guilty if they don't do everything they can to help. Self esteem issues are involved here. These individuals may need to work these issues out in therapy.

I don't have a quick fix about how you can learn to say no to people. You may want to make a priorities list of people you want to give to and those not on the list may be fair game for politely refusing. I know this is easier said than done. If this issue is causing you serious distress, I suggest you seek some help. Sometimes givers also make poor receivers. It may be hard to seek help but I think that it might be worth it. Let me know what happens worn out.

happywearingdownbutnotout)shrink

 

Dear JeWitch,

You know when I visited a few years ago I asked if there were any zoo's in the South. Edna told me that they were called "restaurants" and I thought she was kidding me. Live and learn.

happy(I'lltrytheCapibarasoufflé)shrink

 

Date: December 11, 2000 

Dear Happyshrink,

I know that depression is common during the holidays, but I have every reason to be happy this year. It's been the best year of my life. I am in a great relationship, I just got a  big promotion at work (something I have been after for several years) and I lost a lot of weight. I've also managed to pay off all my bills so my finances have never been better. So why do I have the blues? This has been happening to me since high school no matter what's going on in my life.

Wishes it were spring

Dear Wishes it were spring,

One possibility lies in your pseudo-name. The longer nights of Winter and more limit amounts of sunlight can contribute to depression. This condition is know as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Studies have shown that reduction in sunlight can cause depression. This condition is more common with teenagers as well and young adults but it can affect all ages. There are a number of therapeutic approaches to this type of condition including light therapy and medication. 

I suggest you start by seeing your family doctor. This may also be a medical condition and you should get a full physical to rule out that possibility. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a specialist who works with people suffering from SAD if that's what you have. Good luck and let me know how things turn out.

happy(whenthesunisshining)shrink

 

Dear JeWitch,

Thank you for your sound advice. I just can't wait to get my Christmas present from you. Last year's bathrobe and set of designer mugs were sooooo special!

happy(neverusesadrillanddrinksbeeratthesametime)shrink

 

Date: December 9, 2000 

Dear Happyshrink,

Why the heck didn't you update your site this morning?

St. Theresa

Dear St. Theresa,

I can't answer that question, as I am away for a couple of days and won't be posting again until Monday.  Stop being so cranky!

happy(isn'tupdatinghissitetodayortomorrow)shrink

 

Date: December 8, 2000 

Dear Happy,

I would like to know the difference between bi-polar and manic-depression, panic and anxiety attacks..I have had etc.

BD

Dear BD,

Bipolar disorder and Manic-Depression are pretty much interchangeable. Manic-Depression is the older terminology.  During the development of the original Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Illness (DSM), the term Bipolar Disorder was developed and there are several forms of it with regard to symptoms and severity. Panic and anxiety attacks are also used interchangeably. "Anxiety Attack" was the first used to describe a wide range of anxious symptoms. I think many people found this term inaccurate with regard to their symptoms. It didn't feel like anxiety and the physical aspects of these attacks include breathing difficulties, dizziness, hot flashes, etc. Panic Attack seems to be more accurately descriptive of the condition. 

Both Bipolar disorder and panic attacks are treatable through medication. While there is no cure for either, symptoms can be managed quite successfully for the majority of people suffering from these conditions. Severe and persistent forms of these conditions are harder to treat. I hope this is helpful to you. Please feel free to ask more questions.

happy(hassomeoftheanswers)

 

Dear Happy,

Well, things never seem to go smoothly for me. Kin you believe, we is gonna hafta put off the weddin'. Here's what happened. Well, as you know, my cousin Thelma just loved her dildo, Chad, cuz she was too shy to git lovin from a real man, like me. Somehow the fuzz got wind o' this sweet little librarian and her dildo, Chad, and they busted in to arrest her. Come to find out, it is illegal to have a dildo in Alabama. (Things a sure changed since I was young) (Damn that Edna givin' it to her) There I go, gittin' off track agin. Anyhow, when we took it on the lamb, I brung her here with Dui and Earl and me. Ya got to do fer family. So she was still depressed over her circumstances, even with us gittin' weddin' stuff together. 

This went along a couple days and then she seemedto be comin' out of it. No more depression. Come ta find out, she was sparkin' with Dui and Dui, just bein' out of prison for drunk drivin' without a license, was jumpin' at anything with a skirt. All well and good, but now Dui and Thelma want to git a trailer o' their own, take the sofa bed, and leave Earl and me with only a Welfare check. Now, we can't afford the justice o' the peace, the bar-b-cue briquettes, the beer, and the flowers fer the weddin'. Isn't that a bummer? Now, even with 1/2 a fifth o' gin, I'm depressed. You got any cheerin' up shrink words to help me thru this?

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

Feeling depressed during the holidays is a common condition for many people. Unmet expectations, memories of the past, lost loved ones and the everyday difficulties of life make us feel sad, unfulfilled and needy. Obviously, the loss of DUI's income and the need to put off the wedding is contributing to your depression.

I suggest you try and get into the holiday spirit in spite of all the problems you are facing. One great way, is to make decorations for your trailer. I know money is tight but you can use everyday items like empty beer cans, bottles, paper, scraps of metal, old rags, etc. to make some fabulous decorations. I suggest you check out Martha Stewarts web page for some inexpensive and delightful decorating ideas. You may also get some tips on how to make Wednesday's road kill into Sunday's feast! I am sure that this will get you back into the holiday spirit. If not, I hear that a gallon of Gallo Ripple is on sale at Ernie's Discount Liquors for just $1.99......... on second thought, forget the Martha Stewart crap and go right to the Ripple.

happy(deckinghishalls)shrink

 

Date: December 7, 2000 

Dear Happyshrink,

Things are a little better, last Wednesday (two days before her birthday) I called Michelle and told her things were not good. We had been noting and she would get pissed easily- if I did not respond it was "Do you hate me" and then finally "okay fine I've had enough of this bullshit" so I figured rather than pretend to be busy to see if she is really being sincere I should call her. So I did. She says she was mixed up and not sure what she wanted. I told her sometimes people were meant to be together, but just not at that time. I told her we should go our separate ways for a while and if we were meant to be together, in the future, our paths would cross. I told her I did not want things to continue as they were- it would end where we both never wanted to see each other again. 

I feel strongly towards her, but if she is undecided what am I to do? I figure this was the best thing to do, get things straight and keep the future possibility open. I told her pursue her other interests and we need time away so we can develop. Perhaps in the future she might think of me and me of her and then it might work. I told her we traveled in one month where most have traveled in 6 or more. that is a lot to swallow, and the long distance does not help other. I have some growing up to do and she has to make some choices. I am going to see if it works out with Nicole and just see where that leads me. if next summer I get a phone call or e-mail from Michelle, great; if not then I know it just is not time. It may never be time, but worrying about it will prevent me from growing, and growing will make things better in future relationships. She noted me this morning, basically to tell me her weekend was not so hot, she was talking about rain and such; here's the conversation:

-morning... how are things going?

-fine you?
-that's good. me? been better, but hey I'm not complaining cause it could be worse, right? :+)
-never say things could get worse, usually when people are walking and say "at least it ain't raining" it starts to rain.

-Well, it's already pouring, LOL! but it could be worse... so I'll just take what it is and just wait, cause it will be better in time... this day is going so slow...

-Sorry to hear that your day is going slow, I really think time is what is needed, it will hopefully be better with time. When the rain subsides, say a few months, the clouds will clear and let the sun will come in and then we can see where we are. Until then, let us get our own umbrellas and stay on the paths decided last Wednesday. It is harder to turn and walk away, however, usually the toughest decisions are the right ones. The right decisions will lead to the desired outcomes, or the outcomes that are in the best interest of those making the decisions. Take it easy M.

-Ohhh... i really wasn't referring to that, sorry... I've just not had a good weekend and it's leaked into today, that's all...

That is it for today. hopefully things will remain silent, so I can heal and learn and she can figure out what she wants- four days ain't enough time for that! I hope it is quiet at least until the new year. she and I both need time. I figure next summer or even further- next fall I plan to attend the University for engineering. We will be 7 hours away from one another then, but it is one semester school and one co-op, so time will not be a totally taken.

Thanks for your advice and I hope Ii made the right decision- it sucks when you are sensitive and such- I sometimes would rather be more like a "man"- never cry for two hours, never give in, don't care about other's feelings as much- but I guess I would suffer in the fact that the art things I do- poetry and music-. anyhow- thanks

sincerely,

really confused

Dear really confused

Soon, you might be able to change your name to "less confused." Things may still feel strange for awhile but I think you did the right thing for both you and Michelle. On line relationships don't always work out and sometimes the intense intimacy that develops makes hit hard to disconnect. It's time for both of you to move on with your lives and I think both of you know it even though it's hard for her to acknowledge. Good luck with Nicole and keep me updated on how you are doing.

happy(lessworriedaboutbeingconfused)shrink

 

Dear JeWitch,

Then there's government in Florida:

You have two cows..... well, you may have had 5 or 6 cows but Pat Buchanan accidentally got some of them. There were also a few cows that were not allowed to graze so they can't be counted. Then there were a few cows that had dimples instead of teats so they couldn't be milked by the machine so you tried to milk them by hand.  But while your cows were trying to give milk there was an angry mob outside the barn making the cows nervous. When you tried to share your milk with the angry mob, they claimed it tasted like sour grapes. Finally you say "Screw it" and you go to Disney World.

happy(wisheshelivedinamagickingdom)shrink

 

Date: December 6, 2000 

Dear Greedy,

I personally have a hard time with any religion that has dietary restrictions. That's why I became an Orthodox Yankee fan. I'm glad the Paxil kicked in but more importantly, I hope you can realize that things are never as bad as they seem if you can try to look at it a little differently. Now if you can just appreciate your Ex for his buying two game-boys and saving you the grief of refereeing who's turn it is. OK, maybe you will never appreciate your Ex because of all the other crap he's pulled, but I really hope you have a wonderful holiday season. I'm glad you found this web page as well as the Tuesday night chat group.

happy(needstochangehisdependsnow)shrink

 

 

Date: December 5, 2000 

 

Dear ocdnetangel,

Two weeks at home with a house full of kids is a special challenge even when kids get along with each other (which is rare). My suggestion is to do some activities planning. Schedule stuff like movies, bowling, ice skating, trips to museums, etc. They should have time to do their own stuff too. The key is that when they are involved in activities, there's less opportunity for them to fight. Find out about what's going on in your community. Many places have special events for the holidays. Get tickets early and plan ahead. 

happy(alreadybehindinhisholidayplanning)shrink

 

Dear Happy -

I think a funny joke for NASA to play would be for them to put a rocket into space and push several planets out of alignment. Then they could just sit back and laugh as millions of people realized that their horoscopes weren't going to come true.

Wind(gettingsickerbytheminute)NWillows

Dear Wind,

No more rum in your eggnog young lady!

happy(stillbackintheageofAquarius)shrink

 

Date: December 4, 2000 

Dear Greedy,

I can see that it's not going to be easy to get you into the holiday spirit. Ok so your ex is a geek. If you need to enforce your divorce agreement and take him to court for the money, so be it. It's his obligation to provide "reasonable" medical insurance for your kids. He and his new wife can call you greedy, cheap, petty, etc. It really doesn't matter.

Your boyfriend is another story. Nothing hurts a relationship more than money issues. When lending money, (which is not a great idea to begin with) there needs to be an agreement as to when the money is repaid. If this is unreasonable to him, you may need to evaluate your relationship in terms of what you are giving and what you are receiving.

Lastly, your kids are not acting strange as far as hoping for a slew of gifts. All kids feel that way. You need to do the best you can to make their holiday as special as possible. I realize that your budget it tight and they may only get 20 presents each instead of 50 (that's a joke). I know people who have been able to shop creatively and get a lot more for less money. I am sure you have that ability Greedy. You might even try and enjoy the holidays too. Think of something to be thankful for. Maybe it's having this web page to complain to. ;-)

happy(ghostofChristmasfuture)shrink

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my ENTIRE PAYCHECK, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for EIGHT YEARS. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require "our chosen employee to complete." I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing repayment

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu & listen carefully to options 1 through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

 

"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Best Wishes,

Your humble client,  

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Your letter was thorough, comprehensive and well written. I don't know if your bank appreciates the letter as much as I do but I think your points are well taken and rational.

Please send me a check for $250. This includes reading, assessment and breakage fees. If you have any problems with this amount, please feel free to call me at my office number. The hold music this week is "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones.

happy(twentytwentytwentyfourhoursago...)shrink

 

Date: December 3, 2000 

Dear Happy,

This one's going to be pretty disturbing, I think. I've never seen a shrink before and this seems a little awkward. I've been recovering from a veryserious relationship breakup. First of all, before she came along, I was constantly lonely and depressed. I decided months in advance to end my life on December 31st 1999. Surprisingly, that's when I met the woman whom I wanted to marry. I'm only 23 but, these feelings have plagued me since I was 15 or so. I always thought I just needed someone. Not so, even when I was with her, I found myself 'entertaining' thoughts of suicide. Even when I was in love! Last June, I was homeless, and I decided to do IT. It scared me because a sense of peace came over me!

Almost like everything fit into place. Of course, I chickened out. Last July I was detained in a hospital psych ward for attempted suicide. I told the doctors what I knew would get me released. Now I wish I told them the truth. Last August, I slit my wrist. It wasn't enough. She left me for another man on August 13th. It's all my fault. I feel such guilt and shame. I couldn't eat or sleep for three days when I then literally collapsed from exhaustion. My only friend, knowing my past, took me in. Here I am in this "brave new world", a million miles away from the city of my downfall and I still feel tormented. It just seems that everything has to be so hard. I just want to go 'home', yet I have no idea where that is. Every morning I tell myself to leave the past where it belongs. Every night I'm fighting these feelings again! I'm afraid of what I'll do to myself.

Everyone says all wounds heal it just takes time. I don't think it'll happen soon enough. I want so desperately to get out of this grave I threw myself into... nothing seems more impossible. I swear this is the honest to god truth. I'm afraid of dying alone, yet I feel I can't go on alone anymore. Not surprisingly, my progression wouldn't make a single difference. Any help would be so appreciated. Please?

"Desperately Reaching"

Dear Desperately Reaching,

Asking for help is a good start but you need more than what I can give you over the Internet. You say you wish you had told the doctors the truth when you were in the hospital. You still can. You are suffering from a major depressive disorder and need treatment. Go back to them or another clinic and tell someone how you are feeling. They may be able to provide both medication as well as psychotherapy to reduce your symptoms. I can't guarantee that they can totally cure you Desperately Reaching, but they can help you to feel better and right now that's what you need.

I will be happy to hear from you again and respond to your letters on this web page if you think it will be helpful, but it is clearly no substitute for what your condition requires. Get the help you need now Desperately Reaching. You don't have to live your life in torment and there is a lot of living, loving and enjoying that you can still do if you take this first step. In many ways, suicide isn't brave. It's the easy way out. Getting help is the brave thing to do. Don't chicken out on me.

happy(won'tchickenoutonyoueither)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

Well early Tuesday I hauled ass to Alabama to bail out cousin Thelma, (you remember the law caught her with her dildo, Chad) and we emptied her bank account and loaded her stuff in my Earl's pick-up and hightailed for the border. We was exhausted when we pulled in. My Earl fixed me a drink and we hit the sack. It was a good thing we had a sofa bed. Thelma just slipped in with Dui. He had to get up early to git my Earl to drive him to work. I woulda loved to see his face when he found Thelma on the other side of the bed.

Well, last night, while I was cookin', my Earl just decided outta the clear blue and a fifth o' Jack Daniels, to tie the knot. Kin you believe it? The light o' my life, got on one knee (well not very long; he was a little unsteady ) an' he asked me if I would be his wife. I can't believe it!

I finally got asked. My momma always told me "If the milk was free, you don't hafta feed the cow." That goes to show her. Dui is gonna be best man an' Thelma is gonna be my Maid of Honor. We went to Target this mornin' and I got the most beautiful dress. Thelma snapped this picture of me.

But what I'm writin about, is Edna wants to be in our weddin' too. Slut of Honor! Everybody says it will be wonderful to have her there and she said she would bring 2 fifths and a case o' beer. I think I'm outvoted here. And then there's them KIDS! Do you think I should refuse to git married if she has to come?

Gind Rinker

Dear Gind,

Let Edna come to the wedding. After all Gind, you are getting Earl. What does she have? A bunch of rotten kids. Be a good sport and besides, You will probably need those two fifths to keep Earl from backing out. Good luck. After seeing you and that beautiful wedding gown I started to sob uncontrollably. Guess I'm just a sentimental old fool.

happy(usedtothinkallbrideswerebeautiful)shrink

 

Date: December 2, 2000 

Dear Happyshrink,

Is it possible to develop a mental disorder due to long term Premarin Therapy (Hormonal Replacement)? Recently a relative was diagnosed with a Mental Disorder for which she was prescribed Depakote and Risperdal. Someone mentioned that due to Premarin's origin, this may be related. It would be of great conclusion to her if the symptoms she's  been having for which other psychiatric meds are being recommended, was simply a hormonal imbalance. Any advice.

WS

Dear WS,

Let me first make the disclaimer that I am not a medical doctor. I would strongly recommend that your relative consult an independent psychiatrist and/ or gynecologist to clarify how her condition may have arisen. I have never heard of Premarin being responsible for mental disorders, however hormonal changes for which it is prescribed can bring about mood changes and even mood disorders. 

Your relative is taking a drug that is most commonly used for Bipolar disorder and I would suspect that she was diagnosed with that or a related mood disorder. Here is one possibility to consider. Your relative may have suffered from a mild form of a mood disorder for most of her life, but it was not severe enough to require medication or even going to the doctor for. It may have appeared like "the blues" for a while and then would disappear. The hormonal changes that have taken place in your relative may have escalated the severity of these symptoms to the point where she now required medication to keep it in check. That's my best guess to what might be happening. Again, let me emphasize that I am not a medical doctor, and the information you have given me is somewhat limited so there may be other possibilities as well. Please let me know if you find out any further information about your relative's condition. It is one that affects many women and it may be of help to others. Good luck.

happy(tryingtoavoidsingingtheblues)shrink

 

 

Dear Happy,

This virus warning is genuine. There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, snail mail or simply handed to you by a colleague...
DO NOT OPEN IT!

This virus has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your wastebasket. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three beers. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.

JeWitch,

Dear JeWitch,

I don't think this is a real virus. If I had to guess it's a delusion brought about by that new Stress Reduction diet you have told me you are on. I'm not sure it will achieve it's results and it may be creating other problems for you. Let me show everyone your diet so they can evaluate it.

BREAKFAST

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole-wheat toast

1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Hershey kiss

AFTERNOON TEA

the rest of the kisses in the bag

1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping

DINNER

4 bottles of wine (red or white)

2 loaves garlic bread

1 family size supreme pizza

3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"

You don't seem any mellower to me JeWitch,

happy(togiveJeWitchaBIGCHOCOLATEKISS)shrink

 

Date: December 1, 2000 

 

Dear Happy -

My son has been diagnosed with ADD and placed on Ritalin. I am trying to be on top of every single aspect of his life, even though I am a single mother who works full time. However, I'm extremely disappointed in his school. The nurse didn't bother to say anything to me when he ran out of Ritalin at school, I was misinformed about a parent/teacher conference (to which they claim was a mistake), every time I call to try to get information to or from someone it's like talking to many brick walls and meanwhile, my son galavants freely about doing pretty much whatever he wants because no one will take any responsibility for anything. 

They want him to be self-motivated. I want him to be ACCOUNTABLE. I think he needs to take responsibility for his actions and his homework and his time at school and after school, and when I say I'm going to check, I DO. I have asked his teacher to simply hold him accountable at the end of the day for his homework being written down, and he yesses me to death, then he ignores my son completely. Sometimes I wish the kid was more of a behavior problem - then they would do something. I'm really frustrated and angry at the lack of cooperation that I'm receiving. I just scheduled another meeting and hopefully get some resolution. I want to go in and just scream at them, though. They act like everything is new - guess what. Its NOT! I'm open to suggestions on how to handle things - any advice? Anyone??

Wind(goingpostal)NWillows

Dear Wind,

I don't think you need to go postal, but I do think you need to keep after the school nurse and your son's teacher about cooperating with his IEP (Individual Educational Plan). There was an agreement that the nurse would get in touch with you if there was a problem with your son's meds. There was also an agreement from his teacher to ensure that your son had his homework assignment before he left school. This is the minimum I would expect from them and if it means calling every day, then you need to be a pain in their butts. (Just don't fill them full of buckshot). If this problem persists, I would go to the Principle, and even the District Superintendent. 

You may not be the most popular mom when you get through this Wind but your son's education is more important. You have to make it known to his teachers that you are not tolerating his laxness and you won't tolerate their laxness either. He's got an excuse at least. They don't. Don't let them off the hook.

happy(neverwentpostalbutonceIleftoutthezipcode)shrink

 

Dear Happy,

You and I spoke about you coming South this year on vacation.  I have been putting together a list of things to remember while you are here .. with Edna's help.

JeWitch

Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.

Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Hurley, Jim Bob, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's butt for less than that.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda, this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.

Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.

Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than the Gators team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.

Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.

Yes, we know the humidity is high. Just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.

No, the state symbol of Florida is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is ticking us off too.

Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from New York. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.

Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.

Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry butt back home!

Dear JeWitch,

On second though, maybe I'll just go to the Jersey Shore this Summer.

happy(willcontinuetohavebagelsandloxforbreakfast)shrink