Postings from August 16-31, 2000
Dear Happy, Can't quite get to the bottom of this dream. Dreamt I had to do a police investigation at the sewer district. For some reason, I showed up wearing less than the normal amount of clothes. I was put in a room and told to wait for the person I was to interview. I waited a long time, and covered myself with a pillow. Finally I went to the restaurant. There was a wall of windows overlooking the settling ponds which had floating wooden walkways crisscrossing them. It had rained and the ponds were full. Small wet animals were crowded at the window. I asked why and was told that strays are washed down there in the floods and heavy rains. When I went outside, a wave of flood water washed by and left an alligator in its wake. Enormous crayfish piled up at the walls of the building. I went home, where there were lots and lots of children. My husband was there, (not my waking one) whom I had married not long ago. He was a South American Indian, not quite as tall as me (and I ain't tall). I felt really glad to be married to him, though I had not been in love with him when I married him. I was proud of him and had developed a warmth and depth of commitment to him. He stood up a bit taller then, and announced he was going to wear my clothes. He wore my silk shirt, and then wore another one around his hips with the arms tucked inside, buttoned down the front so it stayed on. He said this was his true clothing and that it was time he looked as he really should. That's when I woke up. The theme of animals in the basement has been with me for years. (Now we have fish and hamsters living in the basement for real.) I've been doing some soul searching. Any ideas on this one, Hap? Thank you for your site. Keep it up, it's important! r Dear r, Usually, wearing less clothes than usually or no clothes at all is a sign of vulnerability in a dream, particularly "being exposed." The rain and animals washing up by the building may be a sign of adversity that you have encountered. In the past. You return home to a devoted husband who is willing to "stand in your shoes" and even where your clothes. Perhaps the children signify hope for the future. While animals are imperiled by adversity in the beginning of your dream, there is life and activity at the end of your dream. So when I get back from vacation, you will let me know what you think. happy(justguessingonthisone)shrink Dear happyshrink, I'm just back from my vacation. I spent two weeks in Egypt, a nice dream. The problem is : it's like a dream, while I was there, I didn't enjoy the stay the way I should, it was as if it was not me. I was watching the sound and light show by the pyramids, and trying to feel it, but couldn't. It was almost the same with everything else. Only my eyes were functioning, no heart, no commitment to memory. It was not me. Now that I'm back, everything is exactly as it was before I left. Worse, I have lost faith in people, I had a friend on the net from Egypt, and we met, but then something has changed, he stopped calling me, and then on the phone he told me things I'm sure are lies. And I didn't see him after that. We were supposed to be good friends. It was not meant to be a love, so I don't think it's because he didn't like me or anything of this kind, I can't see why. The time the plane had landed, I felt as if awakening up. Back to life, back to reality. When I think back about all the things I have done there, it's like a dream. It might have been right, but it's over now. It's a weird feeling. It was someone else, not me. What shall I do ? I know it's not normal. The Dreamer Dear Dreamer, I don't think your experience is as abnormal as you think. Many times when we dream of doing something really exciting, we become disappointed when the experience does not meet our expectations. This friend on the web did not turn out to be the real deal either. I don't know enough about you to determine if you suffer from any serious psychological problems. You do sound like you could be suffering from some depression and you might want to consider seeing a therapist to discuss these feelings. Let me know what happens. happy(beendisappointedwithrealitytoo)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I work in the rehabilitation department of a nursing home. I have the privilege of getting to know and sometimes love dozens of dying elderly people every year. We try very hard to give the people in our care as much dignity, autonomy and respect as we can. The hardest working people in these places are the least paid: the nurses aides. They are the unsung heroes of the nursing home industry. The staffing levels are set by corporate bureaucrats several levels of management and several states away. They don't know anything about trying to raise kids on what they pay a nurses aide, or trying to hire and keep good people who will clean poop off grandma and do so with a smile, when these men and women could make more money at Burger King and come home having watched fewer people die (we hope, anyway). I spent the day trying to teach grandma to go to the potty by herself again, so I am tired and a little grouchy, I guess, so I will stop now. Most of the staff where I work have good hearts and try very hard to make our resident's last days as pleasant and dignified as possible. Sincerely, Not A Nurse's (But I Can Sling a Bedpan Like A Pro!) Aide Dear Not a Nurse, I have met many wonderful nursing home aides as well as homecare aides that are compassionate, hard working and devoted to their work. It's still hard to see people deteriorate both mentally and physically. I do appreciate the work that is done, despite low wages and little recognition. Thank you for your input. happy(notastrangertolowrecognition)shrink
Dear Happy, I’m looking into having the Siamese twins separated. And it’s about time because they’ll be eleven years old come next month. If Bubba would have ever kept a job long enough for us to have health insurance maybe Sally Jessie and Maury wouldn’t have had to hold hands all these years, but no. He was about as dependable as the weather. No take that back. He was worse then that. I hope he goes to Hell and the Devil uses his head to wipe the hog shit off his shoes. Edna Dear Edna, Your may separate Sally Jessie and Maury physically, but their souls will always be connected. Send my regards to old hog shit wipe. happy(hopesthere'saheavenandpraysthere'snohell)shrink
Hi Happy, I need an unbiased opinion, and know you'll give me one. I'm going to night school for a BA in Accounting. I already have an AA, but the tech school credits in accounting don't transfer to a BA degree. Not too big of a deal, I enjoy accounting, company is picking up the tuition bill, and I've got time. I took one 200 level Acct class this summer and blew the curve for the rest of the students, oh well. I started another class this week and I'm having a real problem with it. Our first assignment is to write a one page essay about our background, cultural experiences, interests (what do you like to do, like to think and talk about?), achievements, attitude toward writing, attitude toward reading (do you like to read, what do you read, favorite author, favorite book), how do you feel about this class? (This is another 200 level accounting class). I think this is really inappropriate material to be asking a student, especially in accounting! Do you think I'm being overly sensitive about being asked these personal questions? If I decide to stay in this class I think I'll tell her about my Vulcan ancestry. My human ancestry might also be interesting if I tell her about the human sacrifices. So, do I tell her to go suck eggs, or do I tell of my background and cultural experiences? Thanks, cnot(livelongandprosper) I was going to tell cnot to lighten up and try to enjoy the assignment, but before I got a chance to, cnot writes back: Hi Happy, I wrote my paper for Accounting and had so much fun with it I thought I'd share it. I just hope the people with those white coats with long sleeves don't show up at my door. My name is Cxxxxxx Hxxxxxx. I grew up not too far from here, on a farm west of Camden. My biological parents are of different races. My biological mother is a practicing witch, and my biological father is a Vulcan. It’s interesting how they got together. My father was exploring this solar system when his spacecraft malfunctioned. The craft crashed in the woods where my mother and the rest of the coven were celebrating on Oct 31. Well, with those ears and strange appearance, he was an instant hit with the coven. I was conceived that very night. Eight months later I was born on the summer solstice, another big holiday for witches. I got to know some of the farmers in the area because I would sneak off and explore the countryside when my mother was celebrating with the coven. One couple and their children were very friendly and eventually I moved in with them. As many teens do, I rebelled against my biological parents. I turned from my mothers’ religion and embraced Christianity. I also had plastic surgery done on my ears to remove the signs of my Vulcan heritage. I tried my best to live as a normal human teenager. As I grew I continued to live a normal human existence. I married a farmer, had two children (only one had slightly pointy ears), and associated with other farmers. Although I read voraciously I still felt the need to learn more. To satisfy that need I entered a junior college while in my early thirties. In 6 quarters I completed the requirements to earn a degree in Accounting and a degree in Computer Science. I had a 4.0 GPA and was selected ‘Student of the Year’. Although I found Accounting more interesting I entered the business world as a computer programmer. I’ve been blessed that my Vulcan heritage has given me excellent math and problem solving skills. Not only have those skills allowed me to excel in school and as a computer programmer, they are useful in conducting the research project on our farm. Detailed recording and analysis of the data gathered is extremely important to substantiate our hypothesis. Perhaps it is the inborn Vulcan desire to be logical and place everything in order that fuels my passion for accounting. In pursuit of fulfilling that passion I do all the financial reporting and record keeping for our farm as well as for the church I attend. I also am the president of the women’s group at our church and I am a member of the PXXXX County Mental Health and Recovery board. In my never-ending quest for knowledge I re-entered college this summer. I haven’t declared my major yet, but it will most likely be in accounting. Even as busy as I am I still read at least a book a month. Some of my favorite authors are C.S. Lewis, Larry Crabb, Janet Evanovich, Tim LaHaye, Stephen King, and Max Lucado. I learn best by reading, doing problems, and having the professor discuss the material. My only goal for this class is to fulfill the university requirement so I may take more challenging and satisfying accounting classes. The only topic I haven’t covered is my attitude about, and experience with, writing, what do you think it is? Dear Cnot, I think you already aced the course. happy(fromanotherplanettoo)shrink
Dear Happy, I know that Jewitch is just having fun, I understand that, but going to a nursing home and watching your parents slowly die is not a very good experience. Nor is the experience particularly a happy one for the elderly person either. After having almost tens years of my life spent running back and forth to a nursing home, either for my mother or my grandmother, I can honestly say, I do not wish to die that way. The idea of it terrifies me. In my dear ole mom letter I wish I could write and say, "I wish you could have died with dignity, and thank God you didn't know what was happening to you." It's just one of those issues i'm working through, no big deal. Jewitch, thanks for your humor, and I miss talking to you in chat. Methos Dear Methos, I agree with you that seeing family and loved ones deteriorate in a nursing home is one of the most awful experiences we go through. I had that experience last year with my Father-in-law. He was one of the wisest people I knew and he was reduced to spending his last days in a wheelchair, in diapers, unaware of his surroundings and unable to remember his family. It was a sobering experience for me and I will never forget it. The truth is, JeWitch was mostly serious. Maybe she'll share more of her feelings in the chat room tonight. Everyone has their own way of dealing with pain. happy(notabigfanofpainorwhatitdoestopeople)shrink
Dear Happy, My mom said I got to write you and thank you for sending us money so we won’t starve and we can still get cable. So, thanks for sending us money so we won’t starve and we can still get cable. Thanks for sending us money so we won’t starve and we can still get cable. (mom says I had to write more than 2 sentences.) Andy Dear Andy, You, your mom and the rest of the Hoppenstadders are very welcome. Just stay away from those "Public Access" channels. happy(there'smoretogoodeatingthanroadkill)shrink
hie shrink, I'm an 18 yr old Chinese girl. I sometimes get bouts of depression. well I've checked whether its due to PMS, but it isn't. I have a sister studying medicine in a prestigious school and my mother seems to be so preoccupied with her that I sometimes feel left out. No, actually I feel left out most of the time. There's just the two of us kids (my sis is 21) and my parents. It's just that every time my sis comes home, my mom would talk to her for hours and hours and start praising everything about her. Then she would realize that I'm being totally ignored, and start being very patronizing to me, and being patronized is worst than being ignored. Its like saying 'bla bla bla bla bla (medic stuff, her varsity, her friends, her lecturers n how wonderful) more bla bla bla bla bla and then, oh yeah.... Linda's gonna do (something she wants me to do) after her pre-u rite..? in Chinese its called 'ying chau'. The only time she calls me darling or dear is when she wants me to do something for her. Anyways, I'm pretty good at my studies as well (respectable grades), I'm pretty good looking too, but however good looking or gifted I am in music or studies, I've never been able to beat my sis. I'm a poor shadow of my sis. I've practically lived my whole life being compared to her. But that's not the point of my letter, I know there are loads of other people out there going through the same if not worse stuff.. so to get to the point. (sorry I'm long winded..) sometimes I get so depressed I think I'm loosing my mind. I mean, how do you know if you're crazy? People don't tell a crazy person, 'hey you're crazy, man', cause they all assume he/she knows. What are the symptoms? Will dwelling too much on your problems cause it? Sometimes when we are hurt by the people most important to us, we tend to want to cause hurt to others as well, how do we stop that? linda. Dear linda, If there is any age in life where it "feels" like you are going crazy, it's 18. This is a very turbulent time. You are finishing high school and/or starting college. You are trying to be independent of your parents, yet there is a part of you that also wants support and recognition. You are also struggling with your own identity while being compared to your older sister. You feel hurt, angry, resentful and confused. That's pretty par for the course. Depression is an outgrowth of all that is going on. It's pretty common linda. I am sure that many of your friends are going through the same thing. I would suggest you speak with a school counselor. While your feelings may be normal, it will make you feel better to talk to someone about them. Family counseling might also be a good idea since you and your mom don't seem to be communicating on the level that you desire. Things will get better linda. Be the person that you want to be and take pride in yourself. Your mom will eventually realize how lucky she is to have two special daughters. happy(tohaveaspecial18yearoldson)shrink
Dear Happy, Bubba wrote me sometime back and asked would I take him back after he went and cheated on me this past Christmas Eve. He may think that since we got four kids together and that I weigh 327 pounds that I’m just a sitting duck for him and his stunts, but he can think again! We’re thinking of relocating; about 50 miles northeast of here to a place called Woodpile. That’s a city of 4,000. It’s not no small town either, not a gossipy hole like Orlando. I bet they got some better men up there too just looking to hook up with a woman like me and her four kids. Edna Dear Edna, I support the move. Please don't leave Florida though. New York has only very evil men. happy(thatEdnaisinBushcountry)shrink
Dearest Happyshrink, How do I give up the victim role? If I am not a victim, doesn't that imply that I am responsible for all the shitty stuff that has happened to me? I know I am responsible for the choices I make, but some of this garbage-baggage is the direct result of the choices of others. I had no control over what they chose to do or not do. I have heard the "stop thinking of yourself as a victim" before, but I have yet to hear anything about how to stop that makes sense. With Utmost Sincerity, Fighting for A LIFE! Dear Fighting for A LIFE, Giving up the victim role does not imply that you are responsible for all the shitty stuff that has happened to you. Bad things happen to good people. But it gets old and counterproductive after a while. Even empathetic people will eventually avoid acquaintances who always seem to have something go wrong thus making these people feel embittered and further victimized. At some point you have to acknowledge that while you may not be totally responsible for getting into the situation you are in, only you can do something to get out of it. That means overcoming your resistance, objections and fears. Not an easy task Fighting for A LIFE. Your therapist can help but the work is yours and yours alone. Keep fighting. happy(stillfightingforalife)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Regarding our conversation this morning in chat ... here is the FIRST of my letters to GOOD OLE MOM ... Dear Mom, I hope you are doing well there in the Out to Pasture Nursing Home where you belong. Aren't you the lucky one being as you're old and decrepit and your life is over and all you get to do is choke down a few prunes and stare at the four walls of your room all day. Don’t we all wish we had it that easy? JeWitch To my darling daughter, Don't expect a big inheritance. Love, Mom aka: happy(dearest)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I have been working in therapy to try to cope with some past trauma. Lately, I have been feeling more like someone else, but I'm not sure about who. When I go to work, or out, or anywhere where there are people, I feel as if I am hiding behind a mask. This is fairly recent, I would say within the last few weeks. When I felt this way before, it was because I was on the verge of remembering some very bad things which happened. I miss a lot of things from other people because I don't feel like I'm plugged in all the way any more. I also do not wish to remember anything else. I have enough bad memories right now. When I think about them, I can feel (not in a physical way) that I am disconnecting and then my focus is on reconnecting, not what the memory was. Will regular therapy be able to help me and will I have to remember whatever else there is to remember in order to stay connected? Stranded Dear Stranded, Your therapist should be someone who has training and experience in dealing with Post Traumatic Stress and Dissociative Disorders. If your therapist does not, you should find one that does. Assuming your therapist does have these skills, there are times that therapy can cause pain before it enables you to heal. If you suffered from severe trauma, it is often necessary to revisit it in order to find effective ways of coping. Right now the way your mind copes is to "dissociate." This is a process where you feel almost removed from who you are so that the pain is inflicted on "the other." The problem with this defense mechanism is that it is hard to return to being yourself again. Trying to get back to being yourself can involve inflicting physical pain in order to "feel" again. The road to health is a long and sometimes perilous one Stranded. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts or quick fixes. Let a good and experienced therapist be your guide. You can overcome it. happy(needstoovercomesomethingstoo)shrink
Dear Happy, I love to lie. I lie about everything. I tell people that I'm a police officer, a doctor, a millionaire, a scientist etc. The Internet is a great place to tell lies. Everyone thinks you are for real. The truth is I work the overnight shift in the convenience store of a Mobil station. Squiggy Dear Squiggy, I don't believe you. I've been trying to get a job like that for months. happy(willjusthavetoremaina)shrink
Dear Happy Shrink, I have recently been having a fear that I may go crazy. My doctor has said I may have panic disorder which would explain why I get anxious, but my anxiety in general surrounds the issue of how stable my mental health is. There is no schizophrenia in my family & I am a highly functioning young adult doing my PhD at the moment. I have just been having these thoughts that "You are going crazy" that causes me great anxiety as I am scared of losing my mind. Other than this occasionally happening I am fine. I ended a serious relationship a three months ago and have been sad & feeling lonely lately but I sometimes also feel a bit anxious which causes me to think to have the fearful thought which in turn causes greater anxiety. Please help me. I just want to be told that I can not get something like schizophrenia due to having these thoughts. Thanks. -- Dear --, Panic attacks and Schizophrenia are distinctly different conditions. You don't develop a psychosis as a result of panic attacks. The anxiety that is experienced during a panic attack can be so overwhelming, it can make you feel like you are going crazy, especially if it occurs without warning and without an apparent "trigger." While I can not tell you why you are experiencing panic attacks at this time, the demands of your PhD program as well as your recent breakup can be contributing factors. There are medications that can reduce or eliminate panic attacks and therapy might help to uncover the cause of these attacks. I hope I have reduced your fears about becoming schizophrenic. I would still suggest you see a psychiatrist to treat the panic attacks and develop a treatment plan that will help you to live your life with anticipation rather than fear. Good luck and feel free to write me again. happy(stillnotcrazyafteralltheseyears)shrink
Dear happy, Do you know what a doodad is? Marvin Dear Marvin, Yes. happy(thingygizmodoohickey)shink
Dear Happy, This weekend I went skydiving for the first time, wow, what an awesome experience. I was not nervous about jumping from an airplane, I knew everything would be alright. I was taking a risk, a risk with my life, a risk with a growing experience. After the jump, I have been thinking about all the things that jump represented for me. When going on your first jump you have to go to class. You learn what to look for so you can recognize what is a workable chute, and what is a potential problem. Kind of like what goes on in everyday life, what is workable and what is a problem in progress, and how to work your way through it, or avoid it all together. After the class you put on the parachute, it's heavy and makes walking a little difficult. Letting life get to you does that too, it weighs on you, makes you heavy and depressed. some people don't want to get out of bed because of the burden. Getting on that plane, and rising high above everything, the weight of the chute is less, and you can see things from a different view. What seemed so big, is so much smaller. The scariest part was stepping out of the plane, onto a small step and hanging on, the wind is so strong, and it would be so much easier to stay inside the plane and let it take you back down to the ground. But even though it is such a struggle, such a fight against the wind, and so scary to hang there, the experience is so overwhelming when you can just, let go. You fall for a short while, just you and the parachute, and you hope that everything will be okay because no one can save you but you at this point. The chute opens and you realize you can relax and float above it all, you are free to be, there are no worries. Some one down below is talking to you, taking you through every step, you just have to be quiet, listen, and TRUST, that he will bring you safely down. When your feet finally touch the ground, it is profound. You have allowed yourself to take a chance, a risk, and trusted someone else to help you home. This was more than a parachute jump for me, it was a lesson in life. It was beautiful. Hope you had a good weekend too. Methos Dear Methos, You did learn a good lesson by going skydiving. I did have a nice weekend although I didn't have anything terribly profound happen to me. Next week I can go skydiving or do something really dangerous for me; go to a computer show. I think you can guess what choice I will make. happy(WannacomewithmeRev_AL?)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, It is very easy to advise the obvious, especially if one's idea of overweight is anyone who can't squeeze into a size 10. Does your semi-anonymous friend really think that this advice is helpful? Not everyone can be 36-24-36, despite what the diet/exercise industry may want us to believe. Can't we accept and like ourselves the way we are? I'm struggling hard enough for positive self-esteem without trying to attain the impossible. Sincerely, Orally Fixated Dear Orally Fixated, Yes, I think that my semi-anonymous friend thought her advice was helpful. Obviously it wasn't and I as someone who has struggled with weight issues, I can understand where you are coming from. Just a thought orally fixated; We need to accept ourselves before we will even allow others to accept us. Give yourself a break and even consider joining a country club that would have you for a member. Those that can't do that end up being "Grouchos." PS: Tuesday night chat accepts all applicants. happy(playingyoubetyourlife)shrink
Hi Happyshrink! I will make this short. Every time I start to have a really good laugh, I begin to cry. It is as if one runs right into the other and I cannot stop it. It is so embarrassing! I have never known anyone else who starts bawling their head off in the middle of laughing! And I don't mean that I just get tears in my eyes - that would be normal - I CRY very hard as if something awful has just happened. Why do I do this? Crybaby Dear Crybaby, This can occur for a variety of reasons. People who suffer from anxiety disorders may have unusual mood swings that don't seem to have a logical reason. The act of laughter can be looked at as an emotional "loss of control." When one loses this control, other emotions that might be looming in the subconscious may emerge as well. Strong emotions such as laughter can be a trigger for past memories and result in other feelings that might lead to crying. A former patient of mine had an engagement party and her father stood up to propose a toast. In the middle of his speech, he had a massive heart attack and died. Many years after this event, she would still become very sad during the happiest of occasions including her own daughter's wedding. The parallels here are obvious. They may not be as apparent in your case. You might want to consider seeing a therapist to figure out what triggers such sadness in you. If you have any ideas what past event(s) could trigger your emotions, please feel free to write back and share it with me, but only after you have updated your anti-virus software and scanned your computer thoroughly. happy(thankfulforNortonanti-virus2000)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, That caseworker at the Department of Social Services keeps telling me I ought to get my tubes tied. My tubes are tied tight enough. The only way I can tie them any tighter is if I leave one of my boobs hanging out and that would just not be lady like, especially on Sundays. Love, Edna Dear Edna, Well at least you can tie them tighter on Saturday nights at the Dew Drop in. Usually you got both boobs hanging out anyway. Although, I'm not sure that's what your casework meant. happy(lookingforasynonymforperky)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I was the designated scapegoat in my hometown. Really, no lie, the kids gave a sort of welcome wagon class to people who moved into town, "This is the one we pick on and here is what we say..." I have concluded that I skipped a lot of the adolescent stuff where you're supposed to practice social skills and so on, since I spent that time in my basement bedroom reading Camus and Sartre, and penning sarcastic letters to the editor of the local paper. So, there are a lot of social graces that I am lacking and I tend to spend a lot of my time explaining my vocabulary to those around me so that they can tell what the hell it is I am trying to say. My marriage to a fellow nerd/outcast broke down when he decided he wanted to be the world's first 350 LB nudist (I wouldn't have cared, but he also insisted that accompany him!). Question: How can I develop a satisfying social life? I don't have the social skills to get a phone number from information without ticking off the voice recognition program! Most nights I veg out in front of C-Span or make origami birds out of scrap paper. Is there any hope for me? Sincerely, Nerdy End of the Gene Pool Dear Nerdy End of the Gene Pool, Learning social graces at this point in your life doesn't get taught in the classroom. It gets taught on the "playing field" The only way you are going to develop these skills is to get involved in activities that enable you to meet people. Support groups are one option. Interest groups are another. Church and community centers offer opportunities as well. It's not easy and there will be times you will prefer retreating to your basement and reading "Crime and Punishment." One last thing, Nerdy End of the Gene Pool. I have no doubt that you were penned the scapegoat and victimized while you were growing up. You are not alone. There are more of us nerds than you think. But the real challenge now is to give up the role of "victim." It is often a comforting role that enables us to reject responsibility and stop trying. Keep trying. It's worth it. It may take time and it won't be without some rejection and pain. But nothing worthwhile is without sacrifice. The Internet is also a good place to develop social skills. You can always visit the other scapegoats at Tuesday night chat. happy(pickedonatgraduateschool)shrink
Dear Happy, I traded the stupid truck for one with a really good warranty (the essential parts are under warranty up until 100,000 miles) . I got a good trade, more than I expected. I'm going to lose what I paid for on the other truck but I won't be paying much more and it's a lot better. I could just imagine what would happen next. The clutch, transmission or engine. I got rid of it. The people at the dealership knew the kind of problems that I'd been having with it and gave me a good trade anyway. I think they're trying to restore my confidence in Toyota. I was apprehensive at first because I'm still uncomfortable with debt. However, I'd really be in debt if the engine blew and it wouldn't have surprised me one tiny ounce. The more I think about it, the more I think I made the right decision. We'll see how it goes. Less MAAADDD and DISCOURAGED Dear Less Maaaddd and Discouraged, It sounds like you handled the situation in a thoughtful and mature way, unlike JeWi..... er.... some people. Good luck. My Toyota has 178,000 miles. (My other Toyota has only 175,000.) happy(Youaskedforit...yougotit...Toyota)shrink
Happy, I am so frustrated with myself. As you know I have being seeing a man who is both helping with some issues and also teaching me in certain areas. While I was with him yesterday, I dissociated. He handled it very well, but I am just so angry. I know this is just part of my healing process, however it's getting in the way, or I feel like it is. Maybe I am not looking at it with a positive view, not seeing it for the learning value it offers. I just know that it took a very long time yesterday to get myself back to where I felt like me, and their were other things I wanted to do than to wrestle with this problem. I know there is nothing you can do, I guess I just needed to vent. I am working very hard at learning and growing, I will not back down from this, no matter what it takes. Love to you Happy Methos Dear Methos, You are fighting one of the toughest battles that any person can fight; the enemy from within. It may be a long and hard battle, but I won't give up on you as long as you don't give up on you. Keep fighting. happy(alwayshereforventingpurposes)shrink
Dear Hap, I really liked Orally Fixated's letter. It's so true that our culture is obsessed with how women LOOK -- TOO obsessed. And let me tell ya, the endless pursuit of "attractive" women has repercussions for EVERYONE. If you're "not attractive," you're alone while the guys do their Kleenex-and-magazines thing. If you ARE "attractive," you never really know what a guy's after. Shit, it's the only reason my husband married me, so I find out ten years later. If I had just kept putting on the pounds like I did for just a brief period in my life, he never would have married me. All that stuff about being SMART or DRIVEN was just FLUFF. He wasn't interested in that. Hindsight is 20/20 -- or 36/24/36. By the same token, I'd like to say to Orally Fixated that there is a difference between big and overweight. She may not want to be so accepting of it if she is the latter. Eating in an unhealthy way is just as dangerous as smoking, drugs and alcohol, if taken to similar extremes. If she wants to make any changes in her habits, however, it must be for HER, not to please someone else. I ain't changin' for no one no mo'! love, your(sortofanonymous)friend Dear notsoanonymous friend, Those were wise words to orally fixated. Now move your (36) ass and clean up your own act! happy(justboughtamopforhimself)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I have been diagnosed several times through my life as ADD. Some have stated that it is a somewhat severe case. It affects my job to the point of which I come under scrutiny of managers. I keep hoping I will out grow it but I don't seem to be doing that. I'll be 30 this year. My question is that I have been prescribed with Dexedrine in the past 30 to 40 mg total per day. Usually 2 in am and 2 just after lunch time. My wife and I are however trying to have a baby, and we were concerned if I go on the medication again what could happen to my wife or to the baby if she were to get pregnant. I have looked at the U.S. Pharmacopedia, but it only states the problems of the woman taking it during pregnancy not any problems from the father before. Also could my wife experience any side effects? Any help will be Tremendously appreciated. Thanks, TJ Dear TJ, I first need to clarify that I am not a medical doctor and therefore, not qualified to give you advice on your taking Dexedrine while you and your wife are trying to have a baby. I would suggest that you speak with your psychiatrist about alternatives to Dexedrine for your ADD. I would also speak with your family physician or perhaps seek the advice of an obstetrician regarding the possible side effects of your taking Dexedrine while you and your wife are trying to conceive. I know that it is not recommended for women to take Dexedrine while they are pregnant as it found to appear in breast milk. For many years, adults with Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD would struggle at work or college and think that they were just poor learners. It is good that you have been diagnosed. Now you need to get the help you need so that problems related to adult ADD can be kept to a minimum. Adult ADD has been know to diminish with age. I think the reason is not that the condition goes away, but people learn to cope better and compensate in other areas. Things like keeping a notebook and writing things down, organizing yourself better and making "To do" lists all serve to help. You might want to see a psychologist who specializes in ADD for techniques that can help you maximize your potential both at work and with your family. Good Luck TJ. happy(needstomakealisteveryday)shrink
Dear Happy, I'm about to pull my freakin' hair out with my stupid truck. I bought it in December and since then I've had two springs to break, major repairs to the air conditioning system, and now I just found out that I need some kind of pin in the back wheels to be replaced so that I can align the tires and I need a new &*()*& shock. All of these have been major repairs and the mechanics have looked at me each time with the comment that maybe I could get the dealership to help me out. It's clear that I have bought a lemon. I do drive a lot for my job but the things that have happened to it should not have happened. They don't usually happen in the life time of a car form what I understand. This is the last straw I'm going to go try to trade it in and if I cant get enough, I'm going to think about hiring a lawyer. EXTREMELY MAAADDD and DISCOURAGED Dear Extremely Maaddd and Discouraged, Did anyone tell you how cool you sound when you are angry? You are getting more assertive and that's a good thing. I'm not suggesting that you turn into JeWitch, but sometimes constructive aggression is good for the brain as well as the soul. As JeWitch might say, "Sue the bastards!" happy(forgottotakehismedicationtoday)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, I went to see my new MD shrink (the old one was a resident and had finished his residency). The new MD shrink added Effexor to my Paxil, in doses that increase a week at a time, for 4 weeks. Does this mean that he thinks that I am REALLY nuts? Is there any chance that with all these extra neurotransmitters loose inside my head it might start to vibrate like a b-movie UFO and on day just blast-off into outer space? Did you know that Paxil tends to make people gain weight and also is the most likely SSRI to cause sexual dysfunction in women? That is what the new MD said. I think my old baby MD shrink gave it to me so that I would become sexless and even fatter than I already am. Seriously, it makes having an orgasm so much work that it almost isn't worth the effort. Almost. Anyway, Dr. Peabody is not very inspiring in this area but the baby MD shrink was really cute. Too young, though. It is sad when the doctors start being younger that you are. Sincerely, Too Bad The Vibrations are Between My Ears! Dear Too Bad the Vibrations are Between my Ears, It is not unusual to be on two medications for depression, particularly if there is some underlying anxiety or panic attacks that occur from time to time. If your MD shrink really thought you were nuts he would have put you on "anti-nuts" medications. SSRI's like Paxil has been know to cause weight gain as well as a reduced sex drive in some cases. If you are concerned about these issues, you should bring them up with both your MD shrink as well as Dr Peabody when he returns from vacation. There are anti-depressants such as Wellbutrin that actually show some weight loss in clinical tests. It also can be prescribed in conjunction with Effexor and is less likely to reduce your sex drive. It is worth asking about. Let me know what they say. happy(theanti-nutsalternative)shrink
Dear HappyShrink, I have a suggestion for the lonely guy who is having trouble finding dates. Why not try asking out a big woman? There are many big women who are beautiful inside and outside, as long as you don't let our size-obsessed culture blind you. It has been my experience that most men would rather stay home with a box of Kleenex and some magazines than be seen in public with a big woman. Many of us are home alone on Friday and Saturday nights and we would love to go out with a man, shy or otherwise. Did you see how skinny that Lorena Bobbit chick was?! Hmm. Something to think about. Anyway, you ought to give it some thought. We tend to be somewhat hedonistic in areas other than food, too... Sincerely, Orally Fixated Dear Orally Fixated, Good suggestion. Let's see if he "bites." The hedonistic reference was a nice touch. happy(puttingawaytheboxofKleenex)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Thank you for your advice. As you remember, My household consists of a 19 year old male son, 21 year old male married son, his wife, their two daughters and 33 year old boyfriend and two cats. There is also a young woman renting one of the bedrooms. I live in a huge 6 bedroom house. A week ago, it seemed like from the moment I woke up until that evening the household was doing everything to irritate me. The boyfriend tried to sneak away in order for me to cool off. I took his actions the wrong way and blew up at him and told him to leave. He did. I spent the evening removing his stuff out of my room. Two days later after much reflecting and re-reading my post to you. I can see some of my error as I wrote to you in anger. Up until my oldest son moved in, my boyfriend and I only had 3 fights between May and February. They were simple misunderstandings and we are (were) dedicated to communicating our problems and working things through. When he suggested that my son move in, he took him out many times for the son to find a job and ended up getting a job for him through a friend. He also drove my daughter-in-law around or ran errands for her. So as their payment back, it has been putting me against my boyfriend. "Oh blood is closer than water" stuff. I'm sure you have heard it before. So, I've been thinking a lot of what has been going on for the past week. I really want my boyfriend back. He has been the only support in the house, especially physically doing work and trying to get along. Now, the youngest is starting his pranks again. Last year I bought a hot sexy G-3 Macintosh, as I do graphics. He spends the majority of his time on the beast. He worked for 4 months last year and did contribute at that time to his upkeep ($100 a week for 4 months). He was fired last November. The only chore that he is to do is to make sure the trash cans are on the curb and to clean the bathroom from time to time. Now, he gets computer time, food, housing and the other amenities that comes from living with mom (with the exception of no money and no added expenses like clothing). He just took his GED and is waiting for the results. He has finally decided he wants to get his MCSE certification and eventually go to college as he is very bright. I want to see him succeed, and I would like to help him, but I am tired of his verbal abuse and attitude. Presently I have a set curfew that he is to be off the computer at 10 p.m., as the computer is in the room next to my bedroom and there is no door between the two rooms, nor do I want one there as it is my art studio as well. Yesterday I asked him to leave an hour early that I may have privacy to talk to my boyfriend. When I went downstairs to get a drink, the son complained about being kicked off the machine at 9. I told him, be happy that I don't change the curfew to 9 then. This started words back and forth. After he threaten to cause my computer to have a fatal error, I unplugged it and took it to work. If he gets so offended that he leaves, I will see it as a blessing. The older son is still home, but I have stressed that if their stuff isn't out of the rooms by the 26th of this month, it will be stacked on my porch. Now, he has been laid off from work and is 'trying' to find something else. I'm not so concerned about him going out into the streets, but for the two granddaughters (8 months and 2 years old). I may add too, Dear Happy, one of the reasons why my ex and I divorced was over the kids. He was tired of their constantly disappointing him and disrespect. After the divorce he moved to Florida (I live in Ohio). Now I wonder why I didn't go along with him. Matriarch in Chaos Dear Matriarch in Chaos, If you want to stop being in chaos, perhaps you need to stop being the Matriarch. On some level you seem to benefit from that role despite the fact that it causes so much turmoil. Your sons are telling you that they are adults and want to be treated as such. They are not 10 year olds even though they may act it. When you treat then like children for acting like children, they will resent you and retaliate despite the fact that you provide them with your house, your food, your computer and your tolerance (most of the time). When you become intolerant, they react appropriately to your inconsistently. As long as they live with you Matriarch, they will continue to disrespect, disappoint and disrupt. (the 3 "D's") I know it's not easy, but sometimes giving help does more harm than good. If your younger son wants a college education, he can save his money, take out loans and work his ass off. He can also save up and buy his own computer. That will build strength and character and be more helpful than giving him a handout. If your older son is going to be a good husband and parent, he needs to find a job and home for his family. If he can't do that, his wife and kids are better off without him. Tough love isn't easy Matriarch. Are you grown up enough to give it? Please feel free to respond. happy(stillgrowingup)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Here is today's list of my top 10 Happyshrink Phantasies: 10: Happyshrink gets up at dawn every morning to do Tai Chi in black silk pajamas. No, really! 9: Happyshrink's president is Charlton Heston. 8: Happyshrink isn't really Happy, but Mildlyamusedshrink doesn't quite have the same ring to it. 7: Happyshrink has Multiple Personalities; Edna, St.Theresa, Happy and JeWitch are really all just the same person, who works for the water dept. in Houston, TX. 6: Happyshrink has been studying levitation with an East Indian Mystic. The picture of him levitating above his couch on the opening web-page is really a digitized photograph. 5: Happyshrink uses his chat-room transcripts to cheer up his real clients, because we make such good examples of how to live life to it's fullest! 4: Happyshrink's other car is also a 1991 Toyota. 3: Happy is really a B.F.Skinner fanatic. He is using his Tuesday Night Chat as a chance to practice operant conditioning. He's working on shaping up a behavior so that when the chat window comes up we all type in our credit card numbers so he can finally buy that yacht he so richly deserves. 2: Happyshrink's dream is to replace Dr. Drew on MTV's Loveline. He knows he'd be damn good at it and he's no where near as nerdy! 1: I'm not really on the internet at all. Happyshrink is really living inside my computer. That caricature on the page is drawn to actual size. Sincerely, Judi Dear Judi, Your top ten list is clearly an example of transference. My blushing, laughing out loud (lol) and running to the bathroom so I could relieve my bladder is an example of counter-transference. PS: Charlton Heston? Sheesh! happy(WillingtoworkatMTVforfood)shrink
hh replies: Dear happyshrink, Thanks for replying. I'll try to list some qualities and skills. Skills are easier to list than qualities for some reason, but most of the skills I can think of don't have much to do with my job. I know a lot of wildflowers, can crochet, can sing. I learned a lot about soil in college (that helps me with my job). I can think of a few qualities. I am good at empathizing and finding solutions that everyone can live with and I'm thorough. That's all the good qualities I can think of. Thanks hh Dear hh, If you think about it, empathy and being thorough are pretty good qualities. After hearing your letter, I can think of another quality. You are modest! Perhaps you might want to identify qualities you would like to have and think about the things you need to do to develop them. You have been writing me for almost a year hh. I guess that makes you persistent too. Another good quality. happy(addingtohh'slist)shrink
Someone responds to OK girl's letter. Dear happyshrink, Speaking from experience, yes we look at the surroundings. some are not as discrete as others about it, but that is just a natural thing as when girls see an attractive, muscular guy walking by they "eye" them. It is not a bad thing, but perhaps the person you were with hadn't taken care of his plumbing problems, backed up plumbing can clutter one's system. To me, women seem less likely to accept a coffee date, even though the person asking has no other intentions except to get to know the girl. This wall you are building will make it more difficult to let people in, and you could be blocking out that "perfect" one! It seems, in my case, that it takes a great deal of effort just to get a girl to go out for coffee. You can't just walk up to someone you find attractive and say "hello, I find you quite attractive! Would you like to go out for coffee?" I am sure that many readers will think to themselves "what is wrong with that?" As my advisor seems to always think in this manner. I, however, feel it is better to get to know the person. This puts me in the friendship category and then when I finally get up the nerve to ask them out for coffee I get some lame excuse or no response (to happyshrink- I did receive an apology by the girl I asked out to dinner, it was while I was working on my car, for not getting back to me and she explained her reasons-they seem plausible. This shows she has some class. So this leaves you wondering what you did wrong or what is wrong with you! and if the girl actually says yes, aside from a few back-flips, you are generally trying to play your cool, but you can't when you are on the date because it is like winning a prize or something (bad analogy I know). Ever spend 20 bucks trying to knock down those milk bottles at the fair? When you finally win, after much effort, you are so amazed you can't help but glance over the prize to see if it is worth the effort. This is obviously not a conscious thing, although with some guys it is, but a natural thing that most would do (girls too). Think about a time when you had to work to get the guy to go out with you, and when you finally did, didn't you scan him over a little? Once again this wall hinders the shy ones, how much effort and time does (should!!!!) it take to find out the person you are after isn't what you want, you spent all this time and energy just for a lousy cup of coffee and it turns out Lorenna Bobbet would have been a better choice! the "don't think it's a gender thing" guy Dear "don't think it's a gender thing" guy, Honesty seems to be an issue on both sides of the fence. The honesty of saying "I find you attractive and I want to get to know you better" would be nice for women to hear if it were true and not just a means of trying to "score." I'm not sure that, "I'm not really attracted to you, nor am I interested in getting to know you better" is something that guys want to hear. Most of us would prefer a somewhat lame excuse that at least preserves our "ego." As long as some people see getting a date or even "scoring" as a prize you might win at a carnival, the games will continue for both men and women. happy(wonderingwhatothersthink)shrink
Happy, I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a G. I. Joe little toy guy---something like that. Edna Dear Edna, Did you think this one up yourself, or was this the idea of some guy trying to hit on you at the Dew Drop Inn? I wish he could have been honest and said, "I find you attractive and I would like to jump on your bones." Then you could be honest with him and say, "Gotta pickup truck?" The world would then be a better place. happy(pricingpickuptrucks)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, My kids have been away on "parenting-time" with daddy and step-monster. Ooops I mean step-mother. The 10 year old, who is considered EI at school, called up last night crying because she wants to come home. She is due to come home in a week-and-a-half. I said, "You can do a week-and-a-half standing on your head!" She replied (in all seriousness) "No, I can't!" I was able to keep from laughing and crying at the same time, but it was hard. I can't believe that this is my life! Oh, yeah, the kids are 500 miles away so it is not like I can pop in for a visit to cheer her up.I have to go meet them half way and everyone who has been willing to drive with me is going on vacation at the same time, so I am going to have to make the drive by myself. Do you ever get the urge to give us whiny people a cyber-slap and shout, "Quit yer bitching! At least you're not a refugee eating road kill!"? Oops, sorry Edna, no offense. Anyway, I am depressed and my head hurts. :( Sincerely, Deep Pain Between My Blue Eyes Dear Pain Between My Blue Eyes, Even though it is probably nice to have some time away from the kids, I can understand your pain as well as your depression. Divorce does affect our kids and that creates more pain for us than our own sense of loss. A week and a half will pass quickly and things will get back to the usual state of chaos. Keep in mind that your kids are stronger and more resilient than you might think. While they are away, you can email them with stuff that will cheer them up. It might even cheer you up too. Give it a try. You might also want to take two Aspirin for the headache and email me in the morning. happy(notabletoprescribeperscriptiondrugs)shrink
Happyshrink, I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. Bubba Dear Bubba, Just remember, when you tell your shrink that you would rather spend time with a pile of cow manure than with him, that's known as "transference." When he tells you that he will spend his dying days making sure you are kept locked up and away from decent people, that's known as "counter-transference." happy(hopetheyhaveemailinsolitaryconfinement)shrink
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