Postings from July 16-31, 2000
Hi, This is St. Theresa...you know...THE BIMBO! Happy called me for help with his web site because he cannot access it until Tuesday. I was REALLY THRILLED. Here I thought I was going to get my big chance to help people like Happy has for so many years. I told him I would give ALL of his letter-writers my very, very best advice and he said, "PLEASE DON'T!" Apparently, he only wants me to tell you he won't be able to update until Tuesday. Sniff, sniff. st(whycan'ttheblindleadtheblind?)theresa Date: July 29, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, My husband and I have been married for three years and have two beautiful boys. Unfortunately I feel he has a problem with alcohol and drugs. Marijuana to be specific. He is now on his second DUI and I don't know what to do. If he gets in trouble one more time he will go to prison for a year, and I am scared to death. It's not a situation were all he does is come home and drink every day, but when he is offered a beer or he is in a situation where there is alcohol around he can't seem to say no. Same with the smoking. I know that in his heart he realizes that there is a problem. He just can't seem to connect his heart with his mind and set his priorities straight. I love my husband dearly and I can feel the pain he is going through but I don't know what I can do for him other than be there for when he needs me. He is the type of person who gives in very easily to temptation, and when someone approaches him with the problem he settles down for awhile but then days or weeks later he is back to the same thing all over again. Or if his parents confront him about it or me sometimes, he lashes out in an attitude where it's like " nobody can tell me how to live my life." But yet at the same time he knows better. My family is my life, and I honestly don't know what to do. If he or I don't do something soon his destructive behavior is going to tear this family apart. Please if you can give me some kind of advice it would be greatly appreciated. a loving wife Dear loving wife, There are many spouses like yourself out there that love their partners, stand by them, support them, help them get up when they fall on their faces and ultimately enable them to continue to destroy themselves. Your husband needs to be in a rehab facility and/or a 12 step program. He also has to make a choice between alcohol and drugs, and his family. You can't cure him, but you can insist he get help or pack his bags and leave. That may sound harsh, but this problem will not go away by itself and it can get worse. What if his next DUI involves injuring himself or others? You are in a very difficult situation loving wife and I know how much it will hurt you if he refuses help and continues to drink and smoke. Nobody can tell him how to live his life, but you don't have to live it with him. The love you feel now can turn to bitterness as you see him destroy himself, hurt you and hurt your children. Don't let it happen. I know I am asking you to do something very difficult and very painful, but I also think that deep down you know that you have to do this. You can do it now, or do it after he does more damage. Do it now loving wife. It's the loving thing to do even though it is "tough love." Let me know what happens. happy(sometimeslove'snotenough)shrink
Dear Happy, Wouldn't it be funny to get RIGHT UP THERE in the middle of all that plane crash stuff and lie down with your eyes closed, then, when somebody comes up and touches you, act like you just woke up and go, "What was THAT ?" JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I hope you don't die for a very long time, but when you do, I hope you will leave your brain to science. It really should be studied. happy(continuestobeamazedathiswhackyfriend)shrink
Date: July 28, 2000
Hi Mr. happyshrink, I am an 18 yr old girl who is really very clueless at the moment about everything. I'm a Muslim Asian girl. I have seemed to reach to a situation that I have started hating myself and very keen on receiving pain from all points of view.. I study in the UK and live in Bahrain.. I have nobody to talk to so I came to you. Everybody nowadays are turning their backs on me...Nobody really seems to be accepting me...I have also broken up with my best friend lately... I feel that I'm always there for her and she's never there for me.. She keeps making excuses to see me although I come here for a very short time. It seems like she was using me for things... I am completely lonely and feel as if I have messed up my whole teen age life. Recently I have started going on chat and I met all sorts of people. The reason I went on it is above.. I've also got involved with 1 and now I fancy another one. I don't know whether to trust him or not... I'm planning 2 meet up with him during this summer.. I used to speak to him every night on chat... He's planning to take me out too...He called me up a few times too from abroad...I asked him that if he's doing just for a laugh or he really means it...He says that he means it and if I ask him anything like that he always gets angry and pissed off with me.. I told my parents about him and they said that it is fine because they trust me but they don't trust the other person whom I'm going to meet. I'm also scared of meeting him too.. I have completely messed up my a levels too and feel that I'm not capable of doing it.. I have also got kicked out of a subject because I failed all my exams. First of all I failed my Spanish then I had to retake it.. then in my retake I walked out of the exam room because I lost all my confidence and felt that I can't do the subject... Then the Spanish staff started to pick on me.. They used to send me out of the classroom and made me feel that I'm not clever. Then they decided to give me another chance.. I tried my best and still I got very discouraged by my teacher.. He also humiliated me in front of the class that I felt like walking out. I did my coursework and my exam and I got very bad marks that they chucked me out. Now I have to take another as level... I'm also not getting along with my parents. They are blaming this all on the internet and my friends...I tried my best in it...Now thy re not letting me go on it.. please tell me what to do. I have also got various health problems which I'm trying to sort out too.. Please tell me what to do??? from, backstreet boy fan... Dear backstreet boy fan, There is a lot going on in your life right now and it sounds very overwhelming. I am not sure if your health problems and your emotional problems are related, but I would strongly urge you to see a medical doctor and also a psychiatrist. Please talk to your parents or a school teacher that you trust about this. You may be suffering from depression and your self esteem issues are making you feel poorly as well. The psychiatrist may suggest that you see a therapist who you can talk to regularly and sort out some of the problems you are having. This is a very difficult time in your life right now and you need support and guidance. As far as the Internet is concerned, it is a great place to meet people but you must be very careful. There are always people who have bad intensions out there. I don't know if the boy you are going to meet is a good person or not. I would suggest that you meet in a public place and have your parents available to come and get you if things don't work out. Please get the help you need backstreet boy fan. While I listen to a lot of people and try to give good advice, I am not a substitute for real counseling or psychotherapy. Get the help you need and let me know how you are doing. Good luck. happy(limitedtowhathecandoontheInternet)shrink
Happy, The people in my OLD trailer park were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people. Edna Dear Edna, You have proven once again that you are never too old to play with toys. I hope you are continuing to enjoy that enema bag. happy(enjoysallofhistoystoo)shrink
Date: July 27, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, I'm 15 and I'm going through a very hard time. My family has always been a normal family with great parents who have always treated us right and have never hurt us. My brother is 20 and it really hurts me to see that he is going through depression. 2 years ago we moved and since then its been going on and off. He's been to get help, to the hospital but it always comes back. He goes to work comes back and sits in his room with all the lights off refusing to talk to anyone or to seek help. Do you have any tips that don't include psychiatric help or anti-depressants. There must be a way to make him feel better. Please help! gh Dear gh, As family members you can't prescribe medication or give him psychiatric help. What you can do is express how much you care about him and how concerned you are that he is in pain. Only he can decide to get the help he needs. He does need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and there is a chance that the treatment plan would include anti- depressant medication. However, there is nothing anyone can do for him if he chooses to do nothing. If he has talked about suicide or indicated the desire to end his life, there would be the possibility that he could be forcibly committed to a hospital. I don't know how desperate he is, but if you family fears the worst, they should take appropriate action. I know this must be tough on you gh. I am sure you are going through your own "growing up" issues and now have to worry about your older brother as well. Continue to show him that you care, but don't let him drag you down. This should be an exciting and enlightening time in your life. Try to enjoy it. Please write me again if you need to talk more about this. happy(tryingtostayexcitedandenlightenedevennow)shrink
Happy, I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. Little Andie Dear Little Andie, Maybe that's why all the Hoppenstadders have such think bushy eyebrows and like to hit people over the head with clubs. And all along I thought it was Bubba's influence. happy(liveandlearn)shrink
Date: July 26, 2000
Dear Happy! I am very upset. In fact, I am crying as I am writing this letter. I have a 21 year old male family member whom I think suffers from Narcissist Personality Disorder. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel knowing that something is really wrong with him. I love him so dearly. I actually made the horrible mistake of letting him know how much I love him and how much I care about him. And what happened after my display of affection is a horror story come true. First, he laid down in his bed and completely "tuned out" (as if I was not even there). Then came the statement "Something is wrong with me. I think, I have bipolar disorder." (This was the second time he mentioned it to me within the period of three weeks. The first time he also added that he feels UNREASONABLE happiness sometimes. He seemed to be hung up on the "unreasonable" word but did not speak about the depressed component of the bipolar disorder. I never observed any excessive or "unreasonable" happiness in him, I might add. Never. He is more like the nonchalant, reserved, smiling type but no excessive happiness.) Anyway, this was followed by my reply, him not saying anything, my questions and him not replying anything. Then again a period of "blank". And then came the scariest thing I had ever seen. He sat up on his bed and began munching on some food meanwhile he literally behaved like a child. His gestures, the way he was chewing the food, the way he was sitting (his legs all tangled up)- it was as if he were a child. In fact, the only way I could redirect his attention to me was by playing with the food and making him look at me. When I asked him what goes on in his head, he looked at me with a totally hurt expression and said "I hate myself". I couldn't even comprehend this statement. It was so unexpected. I even asked him why would he say something like this but he did not reply. Rather, he laid down on his bed again, covered his head with a pillow and said in a muffled voice "I am going to say things that will hurt you but I don't mean them. I will just make them up. okay?". I should have left then but I could not. I sensed that something was really wrong with him and there was a reason for all his behavior. The exploitative behavior, the lack of empathy, the fierce protection of his privacy, the feeling of entitlement of special treatment, and everything else I had noticed about him. I kept nagging him to tell me more about his feelings, to tell me the truth about how he feels because it is worrying me and I love him dearly. He looked at me with hate in his eyes and said "you can't take the truth". Then he got up threw things at me, broke couple of pieces of furniture, broke the ceiling fan, shouted me and tried to throw me out of his room, he said horrible things (I don't even want to think about them). I was in shock for days. The incident took place about two weeks ago and ever since then he had been avoiding me. He stays with his friends/acquaintances or interacts with his father only who always treated him as if he were a god (his mother is a cold, ruthless, rejecting woman whom he does not even talk to). I tried to let him know that I think he doesn't have bipolar but something called NPD (this is only an educated guess from what I observed in his behavior, family circumstances and the literature I found on the net and books) but he walked away. I can't catch him ever since then. He is hiding from me or I ceased to exist for him, I don't know. I am in need of advice. The situation is so foreign to me, and, frankly, it surpasses my knowledge and capabilities, that I can't come up with a strategy to lure him to a shrink. I don't know how to behave around him or what to say to him even if I have the chance to get near him again. I sense that my mere presence puts him off balance and that is why he can't be near me. Plus, I am having hard time to deal with my feelings. I am hurt as well as confused. I love him and he is family to me. Everyone knows that from the entire family, I was the only one he was "close" to (I was the only one he would actually rarely give something to and "talk" to). I can't approach the father because he would simply not acknowledge that anything is wrong with this particular son (I tried and he said "he is a good actor"), the mother does not hear anything (does not talk to anyone unless she wants to say something or get something), the two brothers are younger. He is not close to anyone I know. I am on my own. I could turn from the problem but I CANNOT do so because I was there with him in that room and I know that something is indeed wrong with him. Please let me know your suggestions. Sincerely, G Dear G, As a friend or family member, the last thing you should be trying to do is diagnose his condition. From the behaviors you have described, I would not begin to venture a guess at what his diagnosis might be. Clearly he is in distress and has serious problems. What friends and family can do for him now is urge him to seek help. If he is not willing and his family is in denial over his situation, there is not much you can do about it. What you can do is protect yourself from being hurt. The nature of your relationship with this person is unclear to me. You refer to him as a "family member" but the way you describe your love for him sounds more like a relationship between boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know what you want out of this relationship but he just may be too limited to return your affections. If you want him to give you back the love you give him and he is unable to do so, you may end up needing help too. I would like you to consider distancing yourself from this person for now. If he is able to seek help and change, you may be able to be friends again. Right now you need to find people in your life who give back the love they receive. Sometimes people who have trouble swimming themselves can drown trying to save someone else. Don't end up a victim G. Please feel free to write again and let me know what you think. happy(can'tsaveeverybody)shrink
Happyshrink, Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. Bubba Dear Bubba, It is obvious to me that the sea is the perfect place for you. Find a ship..... any ship. Get on it. Set sail for parts unknown....see the world, live life with adventure and excitement, be all you can be...and last but not least Bubba, try not to get too many tattoos of naked women. happy(TILT!!!!)shrink
Date: July 25, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, Why is it that some people either eat and eat when they are depressed and others quit eating? My 20 year old daughter has the "not eating" problem and we are always after her to eat something. worried parent. Dear worried parent, Depression and/or anxiety can manifest itself in many ways. Your daughter may suffer from an eating disorder that stems from the belief that she is overweight even though she may not be. Anorexia and Bulimia are conditions that begin in adolescence and over 80% of those diagnosed are girls. With all the pressures that girls feel about their appearance and fashion magazines promoting "thin and thinner" it is not surprising that your daughters reaction to either stress or depression is to stop eating. Since she is 20, there is not much you can do about this unless she recognizes that there is a problem and is willing to get help. Your nagging her to eat is probably viewed as an irritant and distances her further from you. I would see if you could "gently" convince her to get a psychiatric evaluation with the emphasis on removing the symptoms of depression. She may agree that she has a problem with depression even if she isn't willing to admit she has an eating disorder. The psychiatrist can prescribe a treatment that your daughter may be more inclined to go along with. Let me know what happens. happy(neverbeenaccusedofbeingtoothin)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, Which St. Theresa? You heard me! Which St. Theresa? Theresa of Avila, first female Doctor of the Church or Therese Martin, "The Little Flower", recently proclaimed the second female Doctor of the Church? (That's the Catholic Church, in case you hadn't figured it out). Doctors rarely respond positively to being referred to as "bimbos", so try keeping a civil tongue in your head and one of them might do you a favor. DM Dear DM, The St. Theresa who helps me with my web page, occasionally writes letters to me and shows up at my chat group on Tuesdays is neither Theresa of Avila nor Therese Martin. She sometimes fancies herself as a "web doctor" of sorts, and you will just have to believe me when I tell you that she is a BIMBO! I hope that my friend and I have not offended any Saints, Catholics, Doctors, or Bimbos. It is not our intent to stir up any religious groups; especially the Bimbos. happy(laughingwiththesinnersandcryingwiththeSaints)shrink
Date: July 24, 2000
Hello HappyShrink, Two years ago I divorced my husband of 14 years and we went our separate ways. I moved closer to the city where I work, bought an old Victorian and began to settle in. Well, life has been anything but settled since then. My youngest son, 19, still lives with me and is fairly respectful of my space and wishes. So far, so good. During renovations to my home, I sparked a friendship with the paint contractor, a male 10 years younger than myself. At first he seemed like a sweet man, even though he was going through a divorce of his own and he seemed fairly upbeat. Next thing I know, he was practically moving in. At first I was able to have time to myself (lord knows I still have some healing after my own divorce). Little by little more and more of the time I treasured to pursue my own interests began to erode away. Whenever I would mention that I needed time to practice an instrument, work on my computer, paint or read, he would still want to be with me in the room or if he were to be elsewhere he would lay a bunch of guilt upon me that I didn't want his company. Add to the mix that he is the father of a 3 year old. Now Happy, I don't even think the kid is his, as there is little to none resemblance to him and from what I can deduce from the time line of his marriage with its many separations, adds to my doubt. I suggested that he has a paternity test done on himself and the boy to remove any doubts. The boy has been to my house several times and upon seeing me, will come up and hit me. It is quite apparent that the child doesn't like me (whereas my friends' kids seem to like me fine). I don't know whether or not his mother is telling him things, or he 'picks' up that this isn't mommy with his daddy, etc. I've bought a few things for him and have spent quality time with him (reading, playing and such) more so than his father. I did make it clear as I am 42, I don't want to be a mother again, but I don't mind being a grandmother. Since the mother was being difficult about the visitation schedule and with the kid's apparent dislike for me, the boyfriend stopped seeing his child (he does pay child support though). Upon all of this, my eldest son, 21, married, father of two moved in in February. When I was first approached with this, I didn't want them to move in, as I know my son's character and what he will do in his carelessness to my home and my belongings. However, my boyfriend, who now had moved in, talked me into letting them move in. Now, several months later, the boyfriend regrets talking me into this as my eldest son has broken or used or mislaid his stuff as well. I told my daughter-in-law and my eldest that I want them to be moved out by the first of September, but their response makes me feel like an ogre. So far I'm standing firm. I have always considered myself to be pretty even tempered if not patient beyond the call of duty. If something is broke, I fix it and go on. Now, when I wake in the morning, it is to the boyfriend's complaining about either of my sons or the grand kids, or his guilt about his son, or something in the house not working right, or even the cat's puking on the carpets. I suggested that if he didn't like it, then he could move out as well. Then he gets a mushy and apologetic or completely ignores my idea. Other times he will claim that I'm the one with the bad temper and that I'm the one who wakes up grumpy. Whenever I confront him on any of this or any other numerous things, he will immediately twist it and throw it back as being my fault. I know it takes two to tango, but how does one get rid of a partner and still keep their home intact? Needless to say, I'm quiet depressed. I do get some financial compensation from the boyfriend and oldest kid, but I do have a good job, so to me isn't worth the money for my aggravation. Any other suggestions related to any of the kids would be appreciated as well. At least the ghosts in the house are peaceful, Matriarch in Chaos Dear Matriarch in Chaos, Giving your eldest son notice that he has to leave is a good start. You should probably give your boyfriend the same notice as well. I understand the need to have someone in your life after the end of a 14 year marriage, but the relationship sounds more like codependency than a healthy partnership. If you really want to take care of yourself, you have to give up the role of caretaker. The way to get your life back Matriarch in Chaos, is to seize it. Nobody will hand it to you. If I had to guess, "saying no" and being a caretaker have been aspects of your personality for a long time. You might want to consider seeing a therapist because these patterns of behavior don't go away by themselves. Get the help you need and get rid of the excess baggage in your life Matriarch. Let me know how things work out. happy(livingalonecanbefun)shrink
Happy, I was thinking ...if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, If your patient refuses to pay his bill you could then go into the bathroom and get into your superman suit, emerge as Superman and make the bastard pay his bill! Then even after he pays the bill you might want to punch him in the face and knock out a few teeth...... just because you are JeWitch! happy(damnIlovethatwoman)shrink
Date: July 23, 2000
Sheila responds: Dear Happy, The very same day that I e-mailed you, I spoke to my father. I told him if he continues to drink, that I will "wash my hands" of him. That I couldn't help him, if he didn't want to help himself. I also told him if he continues to drink, and calls my home, that I would tell my family to tell him that I'm not there. I drove home feeling free again. And happy. I picked him up from the hospital today to take him home. Asked him if he would like me to pick up some groceries. "No, just chocolate milk". Well, I convinced him this time to drink his "boost" instead, but don't know what tomorrow will bring. But whatever it brings, I'll be o.k. When I read you response tonight, I was elated, because somehow it justified my feelings. Even though I knew I had done right. I've got my family back, and refuse to be dragged down again!!! It's so easy being happy when you've got a great life like mine! Thank you Happy. Sheila Dear Sheila, Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that you will be OK. I hope your experience is helpful to others who deal with family members who abuse alcohol and/or drugs. happy(hasaprettygreatlifetoo)shrink
Dear Happy, Well, Bubba's REALLY DONE IT! He went out for his usual CASE and since it was so hot, he decided to down a few on the way home. After the 12th one, he had to really GO, if you know what I mean, so he stopped at the first place he came to, which was this CHURCH that Edna's been trying to join AGAIN since the '98 firecracker incident. Anyway, he goes and sits and this guy in the next stall kept sliding open this window and saying "You may begin, my son." Bubba got real MAD and yelled out "Hey! I already WENT, YOU SOB so quit BUGGIN ME 'cause there ain't no paper in HERE NEITHER!!" Wait'll Edna finds out that they're banned for life. Edna's friend, Lurlene. Dear Lurlene, I would urge you to speak to Bubba and have him tell Edna what happened. I am not sure that Edna will forgive him, but I am told that "confession" is good for the soul. happy(forgivemeforIhaveprobablysinned)shrink
Date: July 22, 2000
Hey, Happy. I'm glad I found you. Hopefully, you can help. The thing is that I found out a week ago that I have HPV - venereal warts. Fun, huh? I see my significant other (a military man) in one more week for a couple of days before he's stationed elsewhere for an as-yet-undetermined amount of time. I have been stressing ever since I found out I had the virus. It has had a pretty weighty effect on my entire life. I thought I could deal with it, but there are many other things going on right not that are adding to the stress level. You know, money, roommate, work, etc . . . Even just the way I feel when I wake up in the morning has been affected. Ask my roommate - I have not been the easiest person to live with this past week. The story goes: about 4 years ago, I had sex with an ex-boyfriend about 3 months after we'd broken up. He was distraught over his current girlfriend cheating on him and I comforted him . . . We ended up sleeping together. Unfortunately, the girl he'd been with told him later that she'd contracted HPV when she was fooling around. I went out and got tested immediately. The doctor told me my pap was fine. Now, fast forward 3.5 years. I was talking to my current guy and casually made a reference to this former crisis. His reaction was FAR from positive. In fact, I thought he was almost unreasonably upset with me. He only calmed down after I told him everything was fine: the test had come back negative. Now, I am going to see him next weekend for the first time in 2 months. We have spoken on the phone only a couple of times - very briefly. His whole family is going to be there and I have no idea when I can get him alone. The things is, he knows I went to the doctor because I wrote him in advance to let him know I was getting a prescription for the Pill. Obviously, he is looking forward to some serious "alone time" when I go to see him. That means, when I DO tell him about my new gift, it will be after a 2-month period of complete abstinence. I can just see the animalistic glaze over his eyes now. Of course, I could never just let him "do it" and THEN say something. He'd probably be really ticked off at me. Besides, I am not the kind of person to hide something like this. I understand that, more than likely, he has HPV. We had unprotected sex on many occasions over the last 6 months. In all honesty, he could be the person who gave it to me. The fact is, he deserves to know the truth. I just haven't the first clue HOW to tell him. I have considered many possibilities. The humor tip: "Hey! I got something for you while you were gone, but I don't know if you already have it . . . " The serious tip: "Look, there's something I need to tell you and I don't know how it will affect our relationship . . ." The bull-doze tip: "I have HIV. No, I'm kidding! It's only H * P * V. Ha, ha." Although I realize the serious way is probably the best, my problem is coming up with a way to approach him. We only have two days together. We'll barely get a moment alone. I am afraid of his reaction, considering how he was the first time I brought it up. I don't know what the most important things are to say. I'm afraid I'll try to turn it around on him if things get messy: "Hey, you could've been the one to give this to me! And you didn't even get me a birthday present." There are a lot of things running around in my head right now . . .So. Can you help? I hope so. I only have a few more days before I drive up to see him. Thanks, BC Dear BC, I would first speak to your doctor to find out if the exposure to HPV you had 3.5 years ago, could have been dormant all this time and flared up now, or if this condition would have had to be transmitted more recently. If the latter is the case, and you have not been intimate with other men, it's your boyfriend who has the explaining to do. It is very striking that you are automatically "blaming" yourself for this situation. So what do you do and how do you discuss it? First you let your boyfriend know that there is a serious matter you must discuss with him as soon as you come up to visit. If you think he will try to find out what is going on before you see him face to face, mail him a brief note or even email him shortly before you drive up to see him. Find a "private" place where you can talk frankly and openly. Then, as Sergeant Friday of Dragnet might say, "Just the facts ma'am" Tell him directly and factually. Give him as much information about what he must do, and what you must do to treat this condition. If your boyfriend wants to fight about it, there is nothing you can do, but I would walk away and not engage him while he's angry. Let him know that there is a lot that the both of you need to talk about, and if the relationship is going to survive, there needs to be honesty and trust. Without honesty and trust, your relationship isn't worth that much BC. If the relationship is going to survive, this issue more than the HPV must me worked on. If he's not about to do that, maybe he's not the right person for you BC. That may be hard to hear right now, but you don't need a fair weather boyfriend. Life throws us more curves than HPV and if he can't deal with that, what's going to happen in the future? Please let me know what happens. I wish you luck. happy(valueshonestyandtrustaboveall)shrink
Hi Happy! I'm a very happy person too! In fact, I'm always happy! I never really need to sleep and I'm always perky! I don't have a lot of friends, but I don't care! Nothing ever bothers me! I like to go dancing every night at bars! I go and have some drinks and just dance and dance! It's fun! Where are some fun places to go for a happy person like me? HAPPY Dear Happy, Have you considered a half-way house? Just try not to trip over the 12 steps as you enter the program. The first one is a doozie! happy(hopinghe'sgrantedserenity)shrink
Date: July 21, 2000
Dear Happy, My father has been in the hospital for the past 5 weeks. He entered with symptoms of a life of alcoholism. Dehydration, Anemia, Vitamin C deficiency, a hematoma from a bruise (huge) on his thigh (bleeding internally). I was going to the hospital every day for 3 weeks, then every other day. He went thru detox for the alcohol, and eventually, the feeding tube came out. Now he is building up his strength with rehabilitation. He will be coming home soon. He is 74 years old. I have been married 20 yrs., with two children, 15 and 11. My husband and I have played by the "rules", don't drink, and are responsible good parents. I know my father will return to his self destruction in time. I know I owe him a "moral" obligation, but that's all. So, I guess my question would be, the "moral" obligation. What I really would like to tell him, is that if he returns to his previous lifestyle, I want him to leave me alone. Don't call. Just let me live my own life. But then I have this obligation, which would mean that I should call every couple of days, just to make sure he is alive. The bottom line of the "moral" obligation would be to get him off to the hospital the next time around. And that would entail calling him every few days. He has never been a part of our lives, and his grandchildren. He has more of a relationship (drinking) with his bar room buddies. I could care less about them, and his life with them. But I guess I have to call him occasionally, and ask him how he's doing. My only intention being to get him back into the hospital when you wears down again. What's your opinion on all of this? Sheila Dear Sheila, As an adult, your moral obligations are to your husband, your kids and yourself. Is sounds like you are doing just fine with that despite the pain you must have gone through growing up with an alcoholic father. From what you have said in your letter, it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship. You have assumed a caretaker role, checking in on him, but there is little or no intimacy. He is not connected with you or your family. If I had to guess though, he probably feels extremely "entitled," and sees that all of his problems are the fault of others. Many alcoholics are very skilled at manipulating their families and friends thus making them "enablers." Telling him to get out of your life if he continues to drink, is not only a good message for him (removing you from an enabler role), but it's good for you and your family as well. As far as checking to see if he's alive, you can have the social service department of the hospital hook him up with a visiting nurse service. It's time you stopped feeling responsible for him Sheila. What's your opinion on all of this? happy(wantsabetterlifeforSheila)shrink
Happy, Yesterday when I was at work .. I was working on some sales taxes .. they needed to be POST MARKED TODAY. At the VERY LAST MINUTE, right before I was ready to go home, I realized I made a mistake .. a mistake that meant I had just WASTED 4 hours and was going to have to do it ALL OVER this morning when I got back to my desk. I was SOOOOO PISSED OFF at myself ... and I said "DAMN" out loud .. Thinking to myself "oooops" I looked up and saw Ms. PERFECT GLARING in my direction ... and she says, "That kind of language is NOT meant for the office, JeWitch." So I said ... "Not EVEN when things are ALL FUCKED UP?" Looks like ANOTHER MONTH GONE BY where I won't get voted Employee Of The Month... but then again .. maybe I will !! JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Wow! You only said DAMN out loud? I think the medication is starting to work. happy(JeWitchgetsmyvoteforemployeeofthemonth)shrink
Date: July 20, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, Help. I’m 16 and I miss my X-boyfriend of two months so much. He broke up with me because we could never see each other, and he was busy all the time. I kinda felt we were growing apart. I feel like the real reason he broke up with me wasn’t because he was busy, he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He also said he'll always feel something for me. After we broke up, I started ignoring him in the halls because I was paranoid that he was annoyed with me. He ignored me too, even though he said he would still want to be friends. Later some girl told me he thought I hated him. About a month ago I ran into him at a restaurant and he ran out the back door to avoid seeing me. I thought by ignoring him, I would get over him, but I can’t!!! I can’t stop thinking about calling him, I just have no idea what he’s going to say! But I feel if I don’t call him I’ll never get things out, and I’ll never get over him. He’s going to a private school next year, and I won’t see him. I’ve kept myself busy for 3 months since we broke up with a full time job, tennis, my animal rights club, and I hang out with my friends every chance I get. But he’s all I think about, and my friends notice I’m not as happy as I used to be. Should I call Him? If I do what should (or shouldn’t) I say? FTJ Dear FTJ, One very good thing you are doing is keeping busy. While you still feel somewhat unhappy and you miss your X-boyfriend, the best thing you can do is be around people and keep active. Your interests are interesting and diverse. You sound like a "good catch!" (for other teenagers and not aging happyshrinks). Before you consider whether or not you should call your X-boyfriend, think about what you hope to accomplish. With him going to private school next year, and eventually college, the prospects of getting back together are highly unlikely. Even if you do, the same problems of not having enough time together will continue or get even worse. Considering your age and his, it is probably a good idea for the both of you to see other people and learn more about life. If this was a "first love" relationship, it will always be special and in time I would hope you could both have fond memories of it. If your goal is to just clear the air so that you can feel comfortable in public situations, then you might want to think about writing a letter. Phone calls can be awkward and catch the other person off guard. A letter can say what you need to say and give him time to respond in a thoughtful way. That's just a suggestion FTJ. Let me know what you think and please let me know what happens. Good luck. happy(wisheshewasateenageragain....well...notreally)shrink
Happy, Dear JeWitch & Edna, 4 bucks huh? If you guys find another, pick one up for me. You might want to be careful not to have it plugged in at 2AM when Bubba and his pals usually get thrown out of the Dew Drop Inn. On second thought, keep it plugged in! Now that's what I call "PEST CONTROL!" Glad the two of you are back. I missed you both; especially, JeWitch. happy(AREALnotjustcyberfriend)shrink
Date: July 19, 2000
Hi again Happy Dear, I have sent you a previous email about a story I had on IRC, remember (ML) ? And thank you for the reply, it helped. Well, I think I'm cured, I'm not infatuated anymore :) He called me after that, but I noticed that the whole story is too much energy consuming, I started not to eat and sleep well. But now, thanks God, it's ok, I convinced myself to stop thinking about him. Now if he calls it ok, if he doesn't, it's still alright, and good riddance too :) I have read Ciao's question about parental parenting, and I agree about many things of what he/she said. My mother had a very hard life, her mother had abandoned her when she was a child, and the consequences were not noticeable on mom only, but on us too. She was never fair in treating me and my sister, and we both feel that our two brothers were loved more than we were, and still are. She would care about my brother's feeling, but not care about mine at all. I feel I lack of love a lot. I think I'm not self dependant, even though I'm 28, and both my parents are not even conscious that there is a problem with our personality. They take it for granted that they have done the best they could. I feel I'm a failure in everything; studies (even though I have a college degree), relationships with others (I have many friends, and they all love me, but I'm still just a friend, even for the men :) which is frustrating sometimes), work, love, everything, and the cause is : I never believed in myself, I feel I'm inferior to others, I'm not self-confident. And I never felt as a real girl. I always feel that the other girls are more feminine than me. Since I was a child, my mother made me feel that everything female in me should be hidden. I'm sure they didn't do it on purpose not to be concerned about our feelings, but the fact is : the result is a mess. There are many wounds inside of me. I even tried therapy, but it was a long way to go, and a lot of money to spend, and I think that as long as you don't face the person who harmed you, and tell them what they have done to you, nothing will change inside of you. Now many times I don't bear that my mother touches me, and I feel no love when she does. I think it's too late now. I feel that even my relationships with men have failed because of this, there is always something hurting in the background, and I can not talk to them about that. I'm convinced that a man searches for a woman who would bring more happiness to his life, not someone who is already overloaded with problems. Been more than three years now that I'm in an almost-constant depression, and I can't help it. I feel that even when I'm laughing, it needs a lot of effort, and it's almost acting. And even when it's true when I travel with my friends, as soon as I go back home, it starts again. My mother has never understood me, and everything that I know about women's world, I have learned it all by myself. I blame myself sometimes when I feel almost nothing for her, but it's out of my hands. Sorry the email is long. Thank you Happy. ML Dear ML, 28 years of feeling inadequate is a long and frustrating journey. The journey back to healthy self esteem has few short cuts. The hope when one goes into therapy is that after a few sessions or a few months, everything will be OK. It doesn't work that way. I wish it did. Perhaps at some point you may need to tell your mother how you feel. But right now, you need to be in therapy. I know it takes a long time and it can cost a lot of money. If you believe that your self- esteem and happiness is a priority, then you will make the investment. If you don't believe you are worth the investment who else will?...and if not now, when? Get the help you need ML. You are worth it. Please feel free to continue writing me for support, but this web page is no substitute for as one of my regulars call it, "eyeball" therapy. Good luck and keep in touch. happy(eyeballtoInternet)shrink
Dear Happy, Have you ever noticed that when trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. Why is that? Ms. Sane Dear Ms. Sane, Crazy people don't have the boundaries of reality to contend with. Nothing hurts creative thinking more than logic. Sanity is safe but pretty boring Ms. Sane. Why not come over to the other side. You can meet other problem solvers every Tuesday night at 8:30pm EDT at #askhappyshrink on the Dalnet IRC Network. The water is cold and none of us know how to swim, but we seem to keep afloat. Hope to see you there. happy(swimminginhisimaginarypool)shrink
Date: July 18, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, I have this friend whom I care for so much but in the brotherly way and well, he loves me in the girlfriend way. I let him know how I felt and he was sad but he acted so cool with it, then as the night went on The guy whom I have been in love with kissed me and without Knowing my friend saw it happened he got so mad that he just started yelling at me calling me a bitch and how he hated me, and now every time I try to talk to him about it he just yells or ignores or hangs up or asks me to leave and I don't know how to get through to him that I feel like I have lost my brother. I don't know if I should just cope with it or fight for our friendship even though he wont listen. jv Dear jv, In most "platonic" relationships between males and females, more often than not, there is one person who wants more than friendship. You did the right thing to let your friend know right away that you weren't interested in him as a boyfriend. His initial reaction was typical of most teenager boys; "Act cool even though your heart is breaking." His reaction to seeing you kiss another boy reflects his true hurt and disappointment. Right now, all I would do is leave him alone and give him some space. Give him time to get over the pain he feels and respect his privacy. Things may never be exactly the same between the two of you, but at some point he may be able to be your friend again. It's up to him now jv. There is not much you can do about it. His pain will heal over time and so will yours. Let me know how things work out. happy(beenthereonbothsides)shrink
Dear Happyshirnk: My brother and I are trying to make a homemade movie. We want it to be funny (most of all) a little scary and weird. But we are totally blank on what to write it about? have any ideas? the MoiveMakers :) Dear MoiveMakers, Have you considered a sequel to "Dumb and Dumber?" happy(sodumbitscaresthehelloutofme)shrink
Date: July 17, 2000
Dear happyshrink, I have been married for 3 months ,my husband is now losing his erection when we make love. Is it me. Am I doing something wrong? md Dear md, There are a number of possibilities why your husband is having problems maintaining an erection. It is highly unlikely that it is something that you are doing or not doing during love making since it has just recently started happening. The first thing that needs to be done is for your husband to get a physical exam so that a medical condition can be ruled out. If there is nothing wrong with him physically, I would look into stress that may be occurring at work or at home. Are their things going on in his and your life that is stressful or in conflict? As Dr. Ruth says, the most powerful sexual organ is not the penis or vagina; it's the brain. If someone is preoccupied with other things in their lives, one's sexual energy can be reduced. Other things you may want to do to reduce stress is to try love making at other times of the day when there is less stress. You might want to involve relaxation and sensual activities as part of foreplay. Anything that keeps your focus on each other and takes it away from the burdens of everyday life may help. The information you gave me is somewhat limited so my answer is somewhat general. Please feel free to write me again with more details about some of the issues you are going through as a newlywed couple. I may be able to make other suggestions. happy(thattherearebravemenlikeBobDolearound)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, As you know, I have many talents, but have chosen to express myself today through writing: MENTAL HEALTH COVERAGE THROUGH HMO'S SUCKS!!!! Thank you. Wind(holdmeback)NWillows Dear Wind, I wish to correct your statement. ALL HEALTH COVERAGE THROUGH HMO'S SUCK!!!!!! happy(ismygrammarcorrect?)shrink
Date: July 16, 2000
Mr. Happyshrink How does one go about getting over anger they feel towards their parents? I don't believe "we did the best we could" is a valid excuse to cover up for poor parenting as is cutting parents slack by believing that they parented based on the way they were parented and how they parented was to be expected. Is it just a question of talking it out with your therapist or is it better to confront your parents? Does expressing anger lead to getting over it? Or is better to sit down with your parents and your therapist and hash the whole thing out, explaining what has made you believe that your parents basically sucked at parenting. I admit parenting is a hard job but when your son or daughter has a problem and it neither gets better or gets worse there comes a time when after trying to solve it on your own, outside resources are needed and if your child whether of any age (since parenting never really stops regardless of what age they are) seeks help you don't just stand back and not be involved in the child's recovery. Just because the child is in therapy doesn't absolve the parents from being an active participant in the therapy process because a lot of times therapists don't have the tools to a help a person and even if the therapist does recognize it they don't necessarily tell their client so because they are getting a fee each week. Parents don't have to wait to get involved until their child, adolescent or young adult reaches the breaking point where they are so unhappy they are considering taking their life. My position is most parents are just plain clueless on how to help their children unless there is physical evidence that there is something wrong ie broken leg, gunshot wound, broken leg etc. If the problem is mental they just seem to be bumbling idiots and when they finally do realize that the problem is more serious than they originally thought, what started out as just a trickle has turned into a waterfall. To me it boils down to one simple fact if the child believes that either their parents parenting style contributed to their mental problems or their parents didn't do the best job dealing with their child's mental problems regardless of whether the child is right that is the way the child feels and it should be dealt with that way because it doesn't particularly matter whether the parents or the therapist agrees with the child's perspective because that "is" how the child feels and to not to acknowledge how the child feels is a travesty. I don't think it is the therapist's job "to convince" the child that their feelings wrong because those are the child's feelings. A therapist should at least acknowledge how the child feels whether or not he or she believes the child is right. Then again you may be the type of therapist who buys into the ideas that parents do the best they can all the time or if they parented wrong it was done that way because they learned from their parents on how to rear a child so that the parents are absolved of any responsibility of how their child has turned out. I believe parents have a choice they can either continue the cycle either they keep on doing the same things their parents did or they can break out of it and go in a different direction and if they don't they are responsible for their child' s emotional, psychological or mental problems and the child has every right to feel anger and blame their parents. If the child does get better the parents only seem to want to focus on the fact that their child is better and not focus on the parental ineptitude which led to the problem not being solved earlier. Thank You Ciao Dear Ciao, I agree with you on a number of issues. Yes, there are a lot of clueless parents out there and children do suffer because their parents don't know how to deal with a situation, or they make believe it doesn't exist. "We did the best we could" is often untrue. A lot of parents could have done better and chose not to. A child's feelings must always be respected and acknowledged. In fact, everyone's feelings must be respected. Feelings are never wrong. Actions may be wrong but feeling are something that we can't control. They are our unique reaction to what happens to us and how we are treated. So where do you go with your feelings from here Ciao? Your parents may just be too limited to acknowledge their mistakes. Since they can't really undo the harm they have caused you, they may not be receptive to participating in your therapy in a productive way. That doesn't mean that you can't undo the harm they have caused you. Continue to seek support and acknowledgement from your therapist and friends. If you feel your therapist is withholding information from you because he/she is more interested in his/her fees, get a new therapist. The important choice now Ciao, is not the one your parents make. It's the one you make. What are you going to do to make yourself whole and recovered? That is where you need to be now. It would be nice if your parents are capable of helping you in this process, but you can still do it without their help. Don't let you bitterness paralyze you. Move forward even if your parents are content with living in the past. happy(lookingforwardtothefuture)shrink
Dear Happy, You know how good I am at all that DOMESTIC stuff and how nice I keep my trailer and all. Well, I decided to share some of my homemaking tips with your readers. Here's the first one: alternative uses for Massengil disposables. In a pinch, they make great juice boxes for the kids and if you freeze 'em, you got popsicles. Ain't I great? love, Edna (NOT ST. THERESA) Dear Edna (Not ST. THERESA), If you had small children like St. Theresa, they would make excellent "supersoakers" The kiddies would be the envy of every kid on Cape Co...er Orlando. happy(incapableofdistinguishingonebimbofromanother)shrink
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