Postings from June 16-30, 2000

 

Date: June 30, 2000   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

I have been married for 9 years and I think we're starting to have a problem. My husband and I are the best of friends. We enjoy doing things together, as well as having our own interests. We have a wonderful son who is 6 and is starting to play soccer and baseball. We really like family time, and don't seem to argue over too many things. When we do argue, we are never mean to each other and try to work things out. The problem is that I just don't seem to want to "sleep" with him any more and he doesn't really seem to be interested anyway. And if he wants to be romantic, I don't. If I do, then he's too tired or watching a game. We seem to go to bed at different times and get up at different times. When we're in bed, we sleep. Then we get up. We rarely hold each other, kiss or do anything else physical. 

It's true - I have put on a couple of pounds and so has he, but I certainly don't find him any less attractive than I used to. I don't know if it's true for him or not. Sometimes I don't really want to know either because it makes me mad when I think about only being intimate if I'm physically pleasing to him. I don't know what to make of this. It's been going on for about a year now, and I just seem to think about it more and more. I'm positive that he's not cheating on me, and I'm not even looking to cheat on him. We have all the love in the world for each other. So what's wrong with us?

Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

Many couples fall into this pattern. After beginning a family, the role of "Mom" and "Dad" becomes the primary focus. It's easy to let your identity as a couple and as lovers become secondary and even insignificant. There are more couples than you think, that give up on sex and intimacy altogether. If you don't want this to happen Worried Wife, you have to do something about it.

I would start by talking about your feelings to your husband. He probably has some feelings too. Perhaps the both of you can work on losing weight and planning for "couple" time.  I suggest you schedule at least one evening a week (without your son) for having "alone time." It doesn't have to involve sexual activity, but it should be focused on you and your husband relating as friends and not business partners. (Parenthood and family is in may ways a business.)

Don't let your marriage become another statistic Worried Wife. Parenthood is wonderful but your sexually doesn't end when you become a mom. The best can be yet to come.

happy(wishIknewthenwhatIknownow)shrink

 

 

 

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

And that's just the way I like you! Stay golden, never change.

happy(jumpingintothetrenches)shrink

 

Date: June 29, 2000   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

How do you stop being mentally ill? I have been diagnosed with something, but I think that if I just choose to think of myself as normal, then I will be. If I just act normal, and don't tell anyone about my thoughts if they are a little strange, then won't I just stop having them some day? I have a job and live on my own. I don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a few.

Most of the time I'm not unhappy, but sometimes I just get a thought in my head that's just very scary and I can't do anything buy lay there and not move. But since it doesn't happen that often, I don't talk about it. So since I'm ok most of the time, can't I just decide to be ok all of the time?

Jazz

Dear Jazz,

I would wish for you and others like you that just deciding to be ok would make things ok. It doesn't. If you have a serious mental illness, just about the worst thing you can do is to ignore it. Some people with serious mental illness try to stop taking medication, stop seeing their therapist and eventually end up in the hospital. You can live a healthy life Jazz, but part of that life must be accepting that you have a mental illness, understanding it's dynamics, understanding and participating in treatment and lastly, having people who will be supportive and understanding.

There are support groups and advocacy organizations for the Mentally such as NAMI (Click here)  (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). Find out how you can get the support you need to live a healthy life. Good luck.

happy(ratherbehealthythannormal)shrink  

 

 

Andy

Dear Andy,

You might have better luck if you buy her something more substantial than a "happy meal."  I'm not talking about a "Whopper" either. And also, being polite is more than just saying excuse me after you pass gas or spit on the street. You really need to learn about how women expect to be treat and I know just the person to do it. Your mom's best friend JeWitch! Good luck Andy. You'll need it.

happy(excuseme;pleasepassthehoneymustardsauce)shrink 

 

Date: June 28, 2000   

 

From last night's chat, "no- one" writes.

 

 

Date: June 27, 2000   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Last year I was in a car accident and I can’t stop thinking about it.  Every time I get into a car, I become very worried about what will happen to me.  The driver who hit me didn’t have any insurance, and when I put in a claim to my company, it was denied because they said they had to wait until they could find out if the other person could pay or not, so I had to drive around in a broken car for about 6 months while everything was being settled.  Finally, I got my car fixed, but it cost me over $1100 because some of the things weren’t covered and I had a deductible to meet.  I am afraid that if this happens again I won’t be able to keep my car this time.  I try to drive a lot on back roads and side streets, because I was hit on the freeway on an on ramp. 

I used to love to travel to see my friends and to go different places.  But I haven’t really been anywhere in a year.  I still keep up with them, but it’s not like it used to be.  They also still come and visit me and they always say that it’s ok if I don’t go visit them.  It’s not ok, though.  Please tell me if lightning strikes twice or if I should continue to be cautious.

Scaredy Cat Driver

Dear Scaredy Cat Driver,

As a result of your accident and the  problems associated with it, you seemed to have developed a phobic reaction to driving. You might want to consider seeing a behavioral therapist who can help you to overcome this fear of getting on the highway. You are right in saying it's not ok. You should be living life to the fullest and not letting fear get the best of you. Get the help you need Scaredy Cat Driver. Good luck. Let me know what happens.

happy(onlyonefear...JeWitch)shrink

 

 

Edna

Dear Edna,

Yes it is acceptable if you are eating at home and there are no dinner guests. I would suggest you tie two strings to the ends of the bag opening and secure the string firmly around Bubba's ears. Don't worry about suffocation. Bubba ready doesn't need too much air for his brain.

happy(gotanythousandIslands?)shrink

 

Date: June 26, 2000   

 

Dear Happy,

Dear no-one,

Yes I am doing pretty good these days. I just got my new computer. (800mhz, 30gig hd, DVD, 8X CD-R, etc.) It works great and doesn't wake up in the middle of the night needing to be fed. I was thinking of having a baby shower for it, but my friends think that I'm going a little too far. Well, you know I don't expect to this computer to be perfect. It might even crash once in a while. But like you, I'm going to enjoy the moment and relish it for as long as I can. I guess that's what life's about.

happy(didImentionmyopticalmouseandInternetkeyboard?)shrink

 

 

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Just beat the crap out of her Dad. You have already screwed him up.

happy(Ithoughtyouhada"neice")shrink

 

 

Date: June 25, 2000   

 

Dear Sox27,

Your story is a very sad one that is a more common than most people realize. You made an error in judgment by having those beers but did not deserve the consequences. The boy who raped you committed a despicable crime and deserves to be locked up. The parent's of your friend who supervised this party and either allowed beer to be served or "looked the other way" should be ashamed of themselves and might also have to take some legal responsibility. Your friends should be reaching out to you now; not abandoning you. It is unfortunate that they are doing that and doesn't say much for their character. 

I am very glad you are going into therapy and will have an opportunity to talk to someone about this. In time you will realize that it wasn't your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. The experience though is not one that can be erased. On the positive side, you have your whole life ahead of you and there are a lot of really nice people out there. Don't let one evil creep and some "fair weather" friends ruin your life. I bet if you reach out to some of the really good people you know, they have not abandoned you. They just might feel awkward and not know if you want them around. Let them know that you do Sox. You need them now. You also need the support of your parents and teachers. Please reach out. Don't hesitate to write me again if it will be helpful.

happy(toreachoutontheInternet)shrink

 

 

JeWitch

My Darling JeWitch,

I just know that you will find your own special way of doing it. You always come up with something. I like to think of you as "Martha Stewart with attitude."  I just hope that the Army surplus store in your area is out of hand grenades claymore mines and 50mm shells. By the way, those 50 mm shells make nice paperweights for that special someone, and if inserted in topsoil, they create just the right size hole that will allow for proper seeding of your azaleas or mums.

happy(don'taskMarthaASKMEEEEEEEE!)shrink

 

Date: June 24, 2000   

 

Dear Avalon,

I guess I share your bottom line. I seem to have those kinds of days too. I am in awe of what you have accomplished since you have been corresponding. Today will be a really, really good day now that I have heard from you. The only thing that might make it even better is if the Yankees win. Please continue to write. You provide hope to me as well as to others who read the web page. Thank you for sharing your progress.

happy(havingareallyreallyreallygoodday)shrink

 

 

 

Dear Happyshrink;

Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves made fun of him you would feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake.

One-Handed Person

Dear One-Handed Person,

You seem so kind and innocent. How would you like me to give you a hickey?

happy(fromTransylvania)shrink

 

Date: June 23, 2000   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

A good friend of mine who lives across the country is going through a crisis and I don't know what to do.  I don't know any of her friends or relatives in the area, and I'm not sure what to say to her to help her out.  She's already in therapy and on anti-depressants, but they don't seem to be helping much.

About two years ago, she started dating a man who was at the time newly separated from his wife.  He went back and forth trying to decide if he should divorce his wife and have a relationship with my friend, or if he should stay with his wife for the kids sake.  He kept changing his mind, and my friend put up with it.  The guy and his wife finally divorced, and he and my friend started working on building a relationship.

One week into the relationship building, he told her that he'd come to the realization that she didn't love him, and that she only thought she loved him.  I talked to my friend about a week later and she told me the story and told me she was contemplating suicide.  I tried to reassure her that I believed that she loved him (although I don't think in a healthy way, but I left that part out) and she asked me to e-mail him and tell him that.  I'd met him once, and doubt that I'll ever see him again, so I agreed to e-mail him.  She made me promise not to tell him that she knew I was sending the e-mail.

I sent him an e-mail telling him that I didn't have any opinion about if they belonged together or not, but that I thought he should know that my friend really does love him.  He e-mailed me back and told me I didn't know the whole story.  I replied and said that I wasn't trying to tell him to get back together with my friend, and that I didn't know if they were a good couple or not, and that my only purpose in e-mailing him was to tell him that he's mistaken about her not loving him.  He never replied, but my friend said that the next e-mail that she received from him had a very different tone than his previous messages. 

I called her last night to see how she's doing, and I think she's starting to have a breakdown.  The guy went back to his ex-wife, and is now sending my friend e-mails saying that he made a mistake, and that his wife doesn't stimulate him intellectually like my friend does, etc.  Basically the same stuff that he's said every time he's gone back to his wife.

I told my friend that she needs to block his e-mail address, and that she's never going to move past him if she doesn't stop having contact with him.  She says that she can't do it. 

I really want to stay out of this, but after talking to her last night, I'm really afraid that this guy is mentally abusing her, and is going to keep doing it until she does something drastic like killing herself.  (My friend's husband committed suicide about 7 years ago, and she was the one to find the body).

What can I do to help her?

NM

Dear NM,

All you can really do for your friend is express your concerns and urge her to raise these issues in her therapy/treatment. It was probably a mistake to get involved in that email situation and at this point I think you are correct about needing to stay out of it. There are a few things you can do though. If you know the name of the psychiatrist that your friend goes to, you can call him/her and give information about what your friend has shared with you. It is not a betrayal of confidence if you really feel that your friend is headed for a breakdown or worse. You should be sure to mention your concerns about her committing suicide. In fact, if you feel that such behavior is imminent, I would even call the police or EMS in her area. Let professionals assess how much of a danger she is to herself.

It's tough being a good friend to a troubled person. We always run the risk of actually becoming enablers in their dysfunctional situation. Don't fall into the trap again NM. You can not rescue her. All you can do is urge her to get the help she needs. That more than any good friend can do. Good luck and please feel free to write again.

happy(tryingtobeagoodenabler)shrink

 

 

 

Andie

Dear Andie,

I would first give your seat to an elderly or handicapped individual. Remember to suspend beating your victim while the bus is letting off and taking on passengers. Last but not least, tell the bus driver to have a nice day when you exit the bus. I have a feeling Reverend Al has some suggestions and I welcome his input.

happy(that'swhyIdrivetoworkeveryday)shrink 

 

Date: June 22, 2000   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

I love your page and can't believe I didn't find it earlier! Have you ever thought of syndicating? Do you write everything yourself or do you ever get help? How long have you been doing your web page? Is there any way to talk to you besides on Tuesday night? I would love you hear your philosophy about some of the current and past figures in the mental health world. I am a psychology major and will be graduating next year. I am trying to decide what to pursue and would really love to have your input. Are you ever in any other chat groups that you could tell me about? 

Thanks for responding. As you can see, I'm very excited about being involved in this field and can tell that you are as well. Thanks for helping me out.

Ray

Dear Ray, 

I can tell you are very excited. No, I'm not thinking of syndicating and yes, I do write all the answers. I have many wonderful friends and supporters who write questions, both serious and not so serious. Besides Tuesday nights, you can write me here and I will be happy to answer your questions as long as I can post them. 

Here is my advice on getting into the field. The world of psychology is changing right now because of the managed care upheaval. I would suggest you look into graduate programs that will result in State licensure or certification. In a managed care environment, this will be critical for professional employment in the mental health field. Your college should be able to give you some information with regard to programs that you might qualify for. Good luck and please continue to read my page and write to me as well.

happy(needsallthereadersandwritershecanget)shrink

 

 

Edna

Dear Edna,

I guess you aren't going to hang on to this job either. 

happy(alwayswearsunderweartomeetings)shrink 

 

Date: June 21, 2000   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Could you please tell me where I can go on the web to find information about manic-depression? My cousin has just been diagnosed and all we got was a little book that didn't really say anything. My aunt and uncle wanted the rest of the family to know so that we can support my cousin, but what we got was pathetic! Please help so I can send this information to the rest of my family.

Amy C.

Dear Amy,

There are very few mental health conditions that have more information and resources than manic depression. You might want to search under the term, "bipolar disorder."  Bookstores, libraries, and the Internet are full of information.

Manic depression is the more common term for the mental illness that is clinically known as bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness, and has also been described as a neurobiological brain disorder involving extremes in mood. It is widely believed that bipolar disorder is genetic so that it is a good idea for you and your family to know as much about it as possible. My favorite web site on the topic is a personal site by Joy Ikelman. She suffers from bipolar disorder and created a wonderful page filled with information, personal accounts, links to other valuable web sites,  clinical resources and support groups, book lists, movies and documentaries lists, crisis intervention/suicide resources and much much more. To access this site click here. I hope your family finds what you they are looking for. Please don't hesitate to write again.

happy(toshareinfo)shrink

 

 

 

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

At least you haven't considered killing his dog. You haven't; have you? You wouldn't really do that; would you?

happy(alwaysalittleworriedabouthiscrazyfriend)shrink

 

Date: June 20, 2000   

 

Dear cnot,

I would have guessed that you would have figured out by now that as a parent, everything is your fault. It comes with the territory and even when your child is not the 'she-devil from hell,' this phenomenon is true. On a more positive note, you sound great! You are focused on your own life and your future sounds downright exciting. Keep up the good work cnot. The entire planet of Vulcan is counting on you. Me too. Live long and prosper.

happy(andaguiltyparenttoo)shrink

 

 

 

Dear Happy,

 

Date: June 19, 2000   

 

Dear Happyshrink,

Please leave me anonymous on this listing. My 2 year old son just sits most of the time and won't do anything. He was never a very happy baby and really doesn't seem to care about love or holding or anything like that. He doesn't fight it - he just doesn't respond. I have asked his doctor numerous times and I always hear that he will grow out of it. 

Now he can get out of his bed by himself and he will come into my room at night and just stare at me. He has bitten me in the middle of the night as well as his father. What do you think I should do about this? I'm embarrassed to tell any of my friends or relatives because I'm afraid they will think that I'm a bad mother. I know that I'm not - his father and I have both been very loving parents and I have been home with him since he was born. We continue to try to play with him, read to him and get him involved with activities, but he just doesn't care. His doctor has said that he doesn't believe that it is developmental.

Please help me so I can help him. Thank you for being so generous with your time. I'm sure you just be very busy but I don't know where else to look.

At Wits End

Dear At Wits End,

The behaviors that you have described are certainly cause for concern. While your doctor may be right and he may grow out of these behaviors, I would get another opinion. Find out if your community's Health Department has an "early intervention" program. Many communities have such programs that will evaluate children under 3 years of age for developmental or learning disabilities. Another place to look for help is a "child guidance center." If you live in a rural community, you may have to travel to a city to find such a program but it is well worth your time to do this. 

Another thing you might want to consider now that your son is 2 years old is a socialization group with other kids. Many Y's and community centers have programs for kids as young as 2 years of age. This will give your child an opportunity to interact with others, it will give pre-school teachers an opportunity to observe his behavior, and it will help you to network with other parents who may have similar problems with their kids. Good luck at wits end and please feel free to write me again.

happy(sometimesatmywitsendwiththiscomputer)shrink 

 

 

Edna

Dear Edna,

You should at least know the guy's first name and perhaps gotten a favorable reference from his parole officer. I also recommend you limit your squeezing to blackheads only.

happy(keepyourhandsoffmyback)shrink

 

Date: June 18, 2000   

 

Happy Father's Day

 

Dear Happy,

Just a brief note to let you know how I'm doing and what's being going on. Do you remember the first time I wrote to you and you said you would hate it if I became another statistic. Well, I guess I came as close as you can get, and ended up being rushed to our local government hospital. They put me in a psych ward (lockup facility...ughhh). 

Trust me, psych wards in government hospitals in a third world country are not good places to be. Anyway they sort of stabilized me on meds and discharged me temporarily. I have to go to a psychiatric hospital on Monday and I'll probably be there for a couple of months. I've have started working with a psychologist who has been really wonderful. He even gave me a number that I can contact him at any time of day or night (unfortunately I've had several occasions to have to use the number) but he really has been going out of his way for me.

He has been "running interference" with my family and has also tried counseling them to get them to understand what's going on. It sounds strange because intellectually I knew I had a problem but for the the first time I'm acknowledging deep inside myself that I can't do this on my own. BTW He gave me a piece of good advice regarding those know-it-alls who tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps... just say sorry but right now mine are broken.

Anyway if it seems as if I'm rambling it is the ton of medication, including some really potent sedatives which are basically to get me through the weekend until I'm in a safe place again. As soon as I'm back online I'll let you know what's going on and hopefully I'll have started getting it together.

Thanks for all the advice ( and laughter).

I have to go hide under my duvet again....:-)

Cheers

Shez

Dear Shez,

It might interest you to know that psych wards in the United States are pretty grim places too. What is important is that you are getting the help you need and you are accepting the help you need. One thing that tells me that you can get over this is that you still have your sense of humor (not to mention that nice warm duvet). That along with an understanding and caring therapist, a few well chosen meds, and an occasional visit to the Ask Happyshrink web page, may just be right formula.

Good luck Shez. I will be thinking about you and please email me when you get out of the hospital. 

happy(willingtosharehisduvet)shrink

 

 

 

Edna

Dear Edna,

It's only causing problems to a few hundred neighbors. Just tell them to "GET OVER IT." It might be a good idea to confiscate all of the kiddies' fire arms though. Bullets are pretty expensive these days.

happy(gladhelivesfarfarfarfaraway)shrink

 

 

Date: June 17, 2000   

 

Note: Happy is the proud father of a high school graduate! Congratulations Tanghigh and all his friends.

Special high school graduation thought of the day:

Everyone experiences fear. The glorious thing about fear is that it enables us to be courageous.

--happyshrink

Dear Happy,

I have noticed lately that I really don't want to do much of anything. I feel very lazy. I sleep most of the weekends away and now I can't wait to get home from work and go to bed, too. I tried watching television, but it's not interesting. But the other problem is that I also feel very restless at the same time. I don't know if something is wrong or not. I  have read about depression, and I think I might have that, although some of the symptoms don't really fit me. I also can't figure out what I have to be depressed about. My life is pretty good. I have a good job, I'm single, but happy that way, and I don't have any additional stress on me.

I am 26 years old. I want to do something, but I also don't want to do anything at the same time. So you can see I can't make a decision, either (laugh). Is there something I can do or do I need help?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Yes there is something you can do. You can get help. The first thing I would do is get a complete physical exam to rule out any medical conditions. If you come out with a clean bill of health, I would then seek the consult of a psychiatrist who can then determine if you are suffering from clinical depression or another condition. If you are depressed, the reasons may not be that apparent. Many people with good jobs and relatively good lives can become depressed. The important thing to remember here is that depression is treatable. Don't spend another weekend in bed Unsure (unless it's for recreational purposes :-)). Find out what is wrong and get the help you need.

happy(enjoysallkindsofrecreation)shrink

 

 

 

Dearest Hap,

Darling, be careful who you call an old fan. I'm younger than you. Now, that brings up the subject of my vacation meditation. Aging - getting older, doing it not gracefully, but vivaciously! I was never beautiful, so I don't exactly have that to lose, but vanity seems to have reared its (ugly?) head anyway. Why now?

I went out and bought a bathing suit without a skirt. It looked reasonably good. Especially after seeing the kaleidiscope if bodies on the beach. The culture says "youth and beauty" as it has for years. What a commodity to be short on! Well, any thoughts? How are you handling this? (Is Chinese food the answer? Love that hot and sour soup. It's the tofu you know.) Ah, midlife, or is it late midlife now. Tomorrow we are off to see the dolphins. I wonder how they handle it?

Love,

r.(agingwhilelookingforjoyandwisdom)

Dear r,

Dolphins handle midlife a lot better than us and without the help of Chinese food. Yes we are a youth and beauty oriented society. But the world still belongs to those who reach out and go for the gusto. So here's my advice to an "old friend" (not an "old" friend):

1. Try to worry less about what others think.

2. Occasionally listen to the music your kids like (even if you hate it.)

3. If something is really funny, laugh loud and long.

4. If something is really sad remember, this too shall pass.

5. Do something that's productive most days.

6. Do something that's fun every day.

7. When you go into a Pub, ask them to ID you.

8. When you dine, don't worry about how much food you get on yourself.

9. Forgive yourself and others for not being perfect.

10. Never bite into the peppercorns when eating General Tso's Chicken.

 

happy(passthehoisinsauceplease)shrink

 

 

Dennis

Dear Dennis,

Just take the cookies, and leave poor Mr. Wilson alone.

happy(loveschocolatechip)shrink

 

Date: June 16, 2000   

 

Dear happy,

Is there another chapter to this mule parable? I am curious about what happened to the mule when he got out of the well. Did the farmer simply put a harness on him and force him to work the fields again? Did he keep him locked in the barn all the time thinking it would keep him safe? IS THERE A MURKY POND NEXT TO THE WELL???

I like to think that the mule took it upon himself to kick the s*** out of the stupid farmer for trying to bury him alive and then cruised through all the neighbors gardens eating all the beautiful flowers. After all, a mule is not just an ass and he probably doesn't understand why he was treated like one.

happy(butstrugglingtostepup)fan

Dear happyfan,

I would like to think, that rather than focusing on the cruelty and stupidity of the farmer, the mule focused on his new knowledge that sometimes you have to "go with the flow" rather than fight it. If the mule would have struggled, he would have surely been buried alive. You see the mule learned to work "smarter" not "harder."  Maybe there's the lesson for you happyfan. Work a little smarter and less harder. Leave the s*** kicking to those really stubborn old mules that never seem to learn their lesson. Life may always be tough, but it's can be a lot easier if you struggle less and think more.

happy(makelovenotwar)shrink 

 

 

 

Dear Happy,

I have been having a really hard time finding ways to stick to a budget, now that I'm a single mom. I sat down at dinner with my kids and said "Look, due to recent budgetary constraints, I'm going to have to let one of you go." They just stared at me. Oh well, I guess there's always tomorrow.

Love,

Wind(wannabuythisquarterforadollar)NWillows

Dear WindNWillows,

In a few years, when you say that to them, they will probably fight with each other about who gets to leave. 

happy(tomorrowisonlyadayaway)shrink

 

 

Bubba

Dear Bubba,

That would depend upon your intentions. Are you buying meat or selling meat?

happy(preferstheArby'sBigMontana)shrink