Postings from June 1 - 15, 2000
Date: June 15, 2000
Dear Happy, I just wanted to add a minor response to Big New Fan - you don't have to be depressed to go to counseling. It can be a good way of getting things said in a safe environment. We've been to counseling from time to time by ourselves, as a couple and as a family. It has helped us survive a lot of sharp turns on the journey of life, and kept us together 29.5 years. (Has it been that long? That's how old I feel - 29.5.) Communication is a difficult matter. Getting the facts and feelings out, and dealing with them can be very scary. A good counselor can be a great help being sure you understand each other, helping both to respond as honestly as possible and then dealing with the situation. It isn't foolproof, but a good counselor can be a great help. Love to all, r.(whotookthecomputeronvacation) Dear r, Thanks for input. I hope New Big Fan takes your advice. You and you husband are certainly doing something right! happy(likeshisoldfanstoo)shrink
Happyshrink, I have a very hairy back, thick and dark brown. I am INCREDIBLY self conscious about it. My girlfriend of two weeks is showing signs of wanting to progress if you know what I mean. . .How do I show her my furry back with out her bolting from my truck screaming "wolfman" Please answer me soon, I don't think she'll believe the "hard to get" act much longer. Clive Dear Clive, Do what your friend Bubba does. Only date hairy women. happy(wisheshehadmorehairincertainplaces)shrink
Date: June 14, 2000
Note from Happy: Last night, my ISP was very uncooperative and I was unable to get on line and attend my own chat group. I hope the people who showed up were able to have a group anyway. I will be back next Tuesday. Dear Happyshrink, I just found your web page and already I'm a big fan! I have a problem, too, and hope it will be right down your alley. I am dating someone who is 15 years older than I am. We are both divorced, and he has 2 children who are 14 & 11. I do not have children, but at some point do want to start a family. He will be turning 40 next month and although we have been seeing each other for a few months, I have begun having some second thoughts about the validity of this relationship. There is absolutely no stress on us financially as we are both professionals and make very good money. My main concern is beginning a family with a 40 year old who already has kids. I want to talk with him about it, but when the subject has come up before, it's obviously been a sore spot for him so I leave it alone. I want to stay with him, but can't find the words sometimes to get things rolling on this subject and he will never bring it up. Sometimes that makes me angry, too, because he knows I want children and I end up resenting him for not wanting to talk about it. I would be willing to try going to counseling but I'm not sure it will help me because I'm not depressed. Any advice on what to say to him would be helpful. New Big Fan Dear Big Fan, I don't know how long you have been seeing each other and how much you have talked about the future. All relationships must eventually move forward or die. Some relationships can move forward quickly, while others need to progress slowly and with caution. It sounds like you need to proceed slowly and with caution, but at the same time you can evaluate where the relationship is going. It doesn't mean you need to demand a commitment of marriage and children right now but you need to feel that there is that possibility in the future. If the man you are dating can not at least consider that as a possibility, you may want reevaluate this relationship. It's better to find out now than to hang on longer and find out later that you were going in different directions. Good luck New Big Fan and let me know how things work out. happy(needsallthefanshecanget)shrink
Happyshrink, When sending an anonymous note to the loved-ones of my kidnapping victim, should I sign the note "Sincerely Yours", "Truly Yours" or "Warm Regards"? Enis Dear Enis, If the victims are celebrities, I would sign it "Warm Regards." If they are relatives or live at the Circle K Trailer Camp, It doesn't matter how you sign it. Most of them don't know how to read anyway. happy(anInternethostage)shrink
Date: June 13, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, What happens to people who have a bad "trip?" I don't take drugs, and I never have, but I'm curious. So, without trying it, because I'm a chicken, what would happen? No Drugs Dear No Drugs, One thing that's even more true about illegal drugs than legal one's is that their results are very unpredictable. Under the best circumstances, people get high, have a good time, don't get sick, don't get addicted and feel great the next morning. Under the worst circumstances, people die. Everything in between is possible too. It's kind of like gambling. Put a quarter in the slot machine and you can get anything from a lemon, a bell or a blank, to a couple of cherries, to three bars, to lucky sevens. The stakes are higher though. You can lose a whole lot more than a few quarters. I'm not sure the grand prize is all that great either. Being chicken is not such a bad thing when you think about it. happy(pluckpluckpluck)shrink
Happy, Do you consider it good manners to put an aberrant period after titles, e.g.. Mr, Dr, Mrs. This period implies that there is more to come, which there clearly is not in 'Mr' because the 'r' is the last letter of the word mister. Yes I do have a lot of time on my hands, and no I don't have a life. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Thank you for not making me tell you what you already know. How's that for good manners?. happy(.)shrink
Date: June 12, 2000
Hi there,. You won't believe this, but I, too, am a Happy Shrink in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. I'm actually a psychotherapist who promotes healing through laughter. I don't have a web site or anything like that, but I understand some people who were trying to contact my e-mail address (happyshrink@home.com) actually contacted you. So, do you have any messages for me? Just kidding. Anyway, I like your website and your ideas (obviously) and just want to reassure you that I am not a threat or anything like that to you. It's a coincidence that we have the same background (I, too, was a social worker for many years before becoming a psychotherapist), the same focus (laughter as a healing force), the same e-persona (happy shrink), and as far as I can tell, the same biting wit and good looks. Mind you, as Jung said, there are no coincidences in life. What do you suppose these coincidences mean? Write back if you want. Or if you need therapy..... And if you ever want to set up a Happy Shrink north website, there are a lot of Canadians who need a good laugh. happyshrink Dear "happy"shrink, Some of my best friends are Canadian. Come to think of it... so are some of my worst enemies!....bastards! The beauty of the Internet is that it is a global community without a North, South, East or West. As long as you speak English or Pig Latin, you can understand everything on this site, except a few letters from some of Edna's kids. I'm not sure what they are talking about but they do sound funny at least. I am glad that there are "happy" shrinks in Canada. But what do you mean, "I was a social worker....?" I am a social worker. That is my first and foremost identity as a human services professional. My role as psychotherapist is an adjunct. My professional values, code of ethics, conceptual framework for engagement are all social work based. I hope you feel the same way. There are too many social workers out there that don't respect their own profession. I do! I may not respect all the people who are in it, but that is true of all professions and my experience with social workers are overwhelmingly positive. Next time someone asks you what you do for a living happyshrink, tell them you are a SOCIAL WORKER. You may want to withhold the fact that you are Canadian. (Just kidding). If you ever want to share you views on what you have read here or add some wisdom or wit, please feel free to write me again. After all two happyshrinks are better than one. Especially if they are such irresistible studs like us. happy(asspaytheolsonmay)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, If you have 38DD boobs, is it ok to go out in public wearing spandex, looking like a milk cow? Please address your answer to Edna. JeWitch Dear Edna Dahling, You look Maavelous! Love you. happy(justafarmboyatheart)shrink
Date: June 11, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, Well now.. I met this wonderful gal on a chat line and we've been phoning each other for the past two months. I really feel connected with her and haven't felt that way in a spiritual sense in ages. Now I'm ready, I think to take it to the next level, which would be to actually meet. I'm here in Eugene Oregon; she's up in Vancouver. Only two hours apart. And I'm growing anxious, sweating a little. She has a young daughter. I have no children. Am I just being impatient? SR Dear SR, Your anxiety and impatience is perfectly normal. This is a critical time for you and this woman in your relationship. It's one thing to get along and feel like soul mates on the Internet. It's a whole new world meeting face to face. There is not that much difference between anxiety, anticipation and excitement. They all go hand and hand. Try to enjoy it even though it's a bit scary. Please let me know how your meeting goes. Good luck and always look before you leap. happy(looksbeforeheleapsbutsometimeswithout20-20vision)shrink
Dear Happy, How many licks does it take to get to the center of a "Tootsie Pop"? JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Who do you think you are kidding? I know you always bit into the Tootsie Pop before you lick your way to the center. happy(lickinggood-bitingbetter)shrink
Hi Happy, I just read your posting from anonymous about the schizophrenia question and am wondering something: to be more precise - what would walk and talk like schizophrenia and yet not be schizophrenia? Couldn't a mental health "professional" tell the difference? And certainly, without seeming flip about anonymous's situation, it seems interesting to me that one could be held against their will with a misdiagnosis and incorrectly medicated. It sounds simply barbaric. Thanks for any information. Wind(okToto,where'dyouputKansas)NWillows Dear WindNWillows, Schizophrenia can walk and talk in many different ways. The stereotype of a shabbily dressed, unkempt person who is talking to him/herself and acting bizarre is only one of many ways. Schizophrenics can appear quite normal, well groomed and articulate too. Medical conditions like brain tumors can also make someone have symptoms that look like schizophrenia. Diagnosis is not always an exact science. It is also important to remember that most people diagnosed with schizophrenia do not have to be hospitalized. They can be treated successfully and live quite "normal" and productive lives. While the scenarios I described in my response to anonymous are rare, they do happen. It's not just limited to psychiatry and mental health. People have had wrong limbs amputated. Recently, Dan Carvey (From Saturday night and Waynes World) had bypass surgery by world class surgeons who operated on the wrong passagways. Yes, these stories are scary and even barbaric. I don't think that we will ever eliminate them. The best we can do is lower their frequency. happy(knowntoactbizarreattimes)shrink
Date: June 10, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, It was 14 years ago today that a drunk driver ran a red light and pretty much RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER. Two days later I was calling my daughters friends to let them know that her "Sweet 16" birthday party's location had been moved from our house to the funeral home. Sorry for the DOWNER letter ... I feel I am ALLOWED these few days to feel sorry for HER, my son and MYSELF. Love you, JeWitch Dear JeWitch, Yes you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself and your family for the terrible loss that I am sure will always weigh on your heart. I do want to also remind you of the other letter you sent me entitled: The Parable of the Mule A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule...The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule "praying" (or whatever mules do when they fall into wells). After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving... Instead, he called his neighbors together, told them what had happened, and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery. Initially, the mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back, a thought struck him... It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back, HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow. "Shake it off and step up... shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up! he repeated to encourage himself... No matter how painful the blows, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought panic and just keep right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP! It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the wall of that well. What seemed like it would bury him, actually helped him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity. That's life! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self pity...the adversities that come along to bury us usually have within them the very real potential to benefit us all! Never be afraid to try something new. I hope you take this as a compliment JeWitch, but I kind of think of you as a mule. You are certainly as stubborn as one at times and you also have a kick that can knock down any door. But just like the mule in the parable, you find ways to overcome adversity, keep your feet on firm ground and step out of the "wells" that you sometimes fall into. You are a dear friend in cyberspace and in real life. Love you too, happy(couldn'tyoubealittlelessstubborn?)shrink
Dear Happy, What's the proper etiquette to pick at ones underwear when out in public? Edna Dear Edna, It's no different than the proper etiquette for picking your nose in public. One nostril at a time. happy(leavemywedgiealone)shrink
Date: June 9, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, What if a person was diagnosed as schizophrenic, drugged up on medicine for several years, and then, on their own volition; went off all the medicine on their own and never showed symptoms of schizophrenia. Is it possible they were misdiagnosed? Also, is it legal to hold someone in a mental hospital for an extended time when they are over 18 and not a danger to others or themselves? anonymous Dear anonymous, It is always possible that someone can be misdiagnosed. It is also possible for one to be correctly diagnosed with schizophrenia and have their symptoms go away after a period of time. People have been know to get better from severe mental illness and the reasons why are not always clear. Legally, if you are 18 years of age, not a danger to yourself or others and not behaving in such a way that causes a public disorder, you can not be held for an extended time against your will. In just about every State in the US, you need two physicians to sign off on an involuntary commitment. That commitment is only good for 72 hours. A hearing before a board of psychiatrists can extend the time to 2 weeks. Any involuntary hospitalization beyond that time must be approved through the courts. In those cases, patients are also assigned an advocate and are entitled to legal representation. While there is a lot of protection against abuses of mental health commitment laws, that doesn't mean that people aren't wrongly held against their will. Families may go to court and file for protective guardianship in the case of a family member who is thought to be mentally incompetent. The courts can make mistakes and wrongly give guardianship to a family member. There are a number of famous cases where family members filed for such guardianship, not for the best interest of the individual, but to control assets or secure custody of minors. In other cases, mental health professionals and judges made mistakes because the information they were working with was incomplete or in error. Incompetence may rear it's ugly head as well. I believe that less mistakes are being made now than 50 years ago, but the system is not perfect. It probably never will be. That's why we need advocacy groups like The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. To access their web page click here. Please feel free to write me again if you want to discuss the situation further. happy(notperfecteither)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, If your friend is seeing two guys should you recommend her to go to an optometrist? Edna Dear Edna, Yes you should. You should also remind her to always floss after brushing. happy(gothiseyesexaminedbutneedshisheadexamined)shrink
Date: June 8, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, I have a friend who I have known a long time. Recently, I found out from another mutual friend of ours that she only sees me because she likes my brother, who will be going to college in the fall. I'm not sure what to believe, though. I have known my friend for many years and haven't really noticed anything and began to wonder if the third friend isn't just trying to start something. It would be so like her, too, but I didn't think so with me. Should I just ask my friend if she likes my brother and arrange a date or something? I really don't care if she goes out with him, but he kind of sees her like another sister. Or should I just stay quiet and see what happens? Carol T. Dear Carol T, It would appear odd to me that your friend of many years would just hang out with you to be near your brother. If she has been a good loyal friend to you and has treated you kindly, then that should be enough to dismiss your "mutual" friend's notion. As far as "arranging" something, I would let nature take it's course. If in fact your girl friend does like your brother and has decided not to share it with you, respecting her privacy is a higher priority than setting up a date. If there is any question to be asked, it might be directed towards your "mutual" friend. I would ask her why she wants to start trouble? She doesn't sound like a mutual friend to me. Even if she believes what she is saying to you, the only purpose for her to share it is to start trouble. Don't let her get in the way of a good friendship. happy(sometimesgetsinthemiddleoffueds)shrink
A response to Kate's letter..... Dear Happy, I would like Kate in Colorado to know from someone who has also experienced emotional and physical abuse that she can get help. I think she should just tell her parents exactly what's going on and then, with their support, ask her husband to leave so she can focus on her own issues. I don't know about bipolar disorder, but whatever the reason was that she got married it's water under the bridge now. Can she ever really trust her husband again? I bet the answer is no. Once one person hits or threatens the other person, nothing can ever be the same. I'll also bet that he'll say stuff like "You made me SO mad....." or "Well, if you had just....." or "You didn't...." Hear something in all this? Ok, here's a hint: YOU. Truthfully, you didn't do anything. You are his excuse. So get your husband out, ask your parents for help in finding a psychiatrist, and put yourself together for you. If you do that, hopefully you will feel better about being a mom, too. Thinking about how much your son loves you won't help. Think about how much you love him. You are able to see that things are not the way they should be so focus on planning what you DO want and just start chipping away. Sooner or later you'll see things start to take shape. Needed Help Too Dear Needed Help Too, Good advice. I hope Kate is listening.
Dear Happy, My car has been having electrical problems and today my husband had to follow me home and jump start my battery every few miles when I'd stall. It's the closest we've come to sex in weeks. love, St(totallystalled)Theresa Dear St. Theresa, What do you think the problem is? Is it the time of the month when the carburetor is dirty? Do you think that you might have gotten bad gas and need a new muffler? Are the struts nice and firm. It doesn't sound like the radiator is getting too hot so I will assume that you are not overheating. OK, here's my suggestion: If he wants the real thing, tell him he first has to give you an oil and lube job. If he gets out the Valvoline, your are in very big, big trouble. happy(willingtolookinsidethehood)shrink
Date: June 7, 2000
Hi, I'm a 20 year old woman in Boulder Colorado I have a 18 month old son, married and live in my parent's basement. I'm a full time student, and my hubby works full time as well. Everything has been going ok until the past couple of weeks. My manic-depression is out of control and I can hardly control my mood swings even with my meds. The depression is getting just to hard to bare. My husband doesn't understand (or seem to care) he's turned into a different person the past few weeks. He seems to care about nothing, when I ask his opinion it's "what ever you want to do". When I tell him how I feel he tells me in a round about way that it's silly and I shouldn't feel this way. We have been in 2 LARGE fights the past week, the first one I couldn't even tell you what it was about but it was silly. He grabbed my shoulders (and one of them has been messed up for the past year and he knows it) and kind of shook them almost like he knew it would mess them up again. He's never said sorry for that. I ended up leaving to cool off. Then this morning we got into a fight because he couldn't find any dress pants for work, he really scared me! He was so ready to beat the shit out of me, I could see it, he raised his hand several times but never did it. I think because he knows my parents are home. I feel so lonely, I'm scared, hurt, and feel totally unwanted. I just want to end it all. I don't see the point in life. My son is all that I have to live for and even he knows that something is up because he loves my parents more then me. I'm not going to kill myself (although it's really hard not to) but I got to get out of this pain. I can't afford to see the psychiatrist. my school counselor is a nut, none of my friends want anything to do with what's going on with me right now, but the thing that hurts me the most is that my husband seems to hate me. Makes to death do us part have a whole new meaning! I just need someone, anyone to talk to before I go nuts, I'm ready to pull my hair out! Thanx, Kate Dear Kate, Your plate is very full right now for someone who is so young and dealing with marriage, parenthood, school and bipolar disorder. Trying to deal with all of things things can and does feel overwhelming. While there is a lot that needs to be addressed here, I want to focus on two issues: First, you can't afford not to see a psychiatrist! Bipolar disorder is too serious a condition to have treated by your family physician. If you don't get the help you need for that, you won't be able to deal with any of your other problems effectively. This condition affects judgment as well as mood. Some of your decisions including your marriage may have been influenced by the disorder. While there is no cure for bipolar disorder, most people who have this condition can have their symptoms substantially reduced. There are clinics that will treat you at a reduced rate if your can't afford to pay. You wouldn't live with a toothache. Find a way to see a psychiatrist. Second, I am concerned about the potential that may exist for domestic violence. This must be addressed immediately. If your spouse is a danger to you, he should be out of your house. There is no excuse for battering. You can consider getting family counseling, but before that you must be safe. No marriage will be successful if one partner lives in fear of the other. Please feel free to write me again Kate. I hope you get the help you need and make sure you are safe. happy(safetyfirst)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, This is a VERY PROUD MOMENT for me .... My oldest daughter is graduating from high school. She is the first in our family to graduate .. and NOT ONLY IS SHE graduating .. she is the YOUNGEST in her class to graduate ... the YOUNGEST in the history of her school.. She only just turned 15 last month. Don't you think that is GREAT ??? I am such a proud momma ... and not only THAT but .... She has slowed down her smoking and drinking in order to save for her prom dress. She is down to a pack and a half of cigarettes and 3 beers a day ... the weekends are another story. But hell, a case of Old Milwaukee lasts her right through Sunday afternoon and by smoking Pall Mall cigarettes, her little brothers and sisters go and buy their own cause they "HATE THOSE DAMN NON FILTER SMOKES." Sure am glad that they have a day care center in her school or I would get stuck taking care of those little monsters of hers on prom night .. which would turn out to be the ENTIRE WEEKEND if I know Lulu. Love Edna PS .. Her kid's daddy should be getting outta prison before they start school ... That will mean ANOTHER MOUTH for me to feed .. but maybe he will find a REAL JOB this time and give up the moonshine business and help me with the groceries. Dear Edna, I always knew where Lulu got her good looks. Now I know where she got her smarts! Walk proud Edna. happy(aproudparenttoo)shrink
Date: June 6, 2000
Hello Happyshrink, I am a recovering anorexic. I have a B.A. in Communications and I am currently employed as an Employee Communications Specialist. I want to use my communications skills to truly make a difference in other people's lives. Specifically, I would like to work as a counselor to help women - and men - overcome eating disorders. I would also like to help younger teens develop a healthy self-esteem and body image. I know I must have a Master's Degree to work in this capacity, but after researching many different programs, I'm not sure which one is right for me. I do not necessarily wish to have my own private practice. Could you provide any direction? I would certainly appreciate it. Sincerely, Michelle from Maine Dear Michelle from Maine, Even without interest in a private practice, licensure and certification is an important factor in today's managed care environment. Human service and health organizations may not hire you unless you are part of a recognized discipline. Find out what Master's programs will be recognized by HMO's and other health organizations. Each state is different. Maine may have different licenses and certifications than New York. In all probability, Social Work, Clinical Psychology, Nursing (Psychiatric) and School Psychology are among the programs that have some form of certification. There may be others in Maine so I would look further into it by calling the State Department of Education. They can give you a list of all licensed and certified professions. I guess my own bias is towards Social Work since that is my discipline. It is widely recognized and it gives you a very well rounded experience that combines, human behavior, developmental theory, biosocial factors and enabling skills. Your communications background would be a good compliment to this course of study. Whatever you choose Michelle, I wish you the best of luck. We need caring people who have overcome their own problems and can share with others. Please feel free to contact me again and let me know what direction you have chosen. happy(hasn'tregrettedhischoicefor25years)shrink
Dear Happyshrink, How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb you ask? The answer is one. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME DAMN CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! That is, if someone hadn't already BROKEN THEIR NECK tripping over it. AND UNDERNEATH IT would be the CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! Because NO ONE in this house EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! Why, it's a WONDER we haven't all SUFFOCATED from the PILES OF GARBAGE that are 12 FEET DEEP throughout the ENTIRE HOUSE. I'm sorry...what did you ask me? JeWitch Dear JeWitch, I was asking you if you were in a better mood so you could "see the light?" I guess not. I'll ask you again next week when hormones quiet down. happy(tryingtomakepeace)shrink
Date: June 5, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, I think that maybe I am possessed or may be soon possessed. Sometimes when I am laying in my bed at night, I can hear voices whispering to me. They tell me to do bad things, which I cannot tell you because if I do they will hurt me. I think that they may come from my attic, although I am too afraid to go up and look because I think I will see them and then I will die from fear. I want to tell a priest about this so that they can make the demons go away from my attic, but I'm afraid that they won't believe me. I have never told anyone about this before. But I am so afraid that something will happen to me and then no one will know what to do. I am not sleeping very well any more. I lay awake in my bed with the covers over my head most of the night and listen for anything that might be a sign that they are coming down from the attic. Most of the time I just hear them whispering, although they don't use my name. Do you think they don't know my name? Is that why they can't possess me yet? Please tell me if you think a priest will believe me so that I can get them to come make them go away. thank you B******n Dear B******n, I would hope that if you do see a priest, he would advise you to see a psychiatrist. Hearing voices is not as uncommon as you think. there are over two million people in the US whose symptoms include hearing voices. This is more likely to be a mental illness than a possession. There are very effective treatments for this kind of condition and the voices can be eliminated or substantially reduced. Please get the help you need B******n. It is only your own fears than can really hurt you. Your courage along with the help of a psychiatrist can drive away the demons. Good luck. happy(hopingthedemonsgoaway)shrink
Dear Happy, The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. JeWitch Dear JeWitch, There is no one on earth who who can make me feel "fuzzy" inside better than you. happy(nostalgicaboutthe90's)shrink
Date: June 4, 2000
Dear Happyshrink, I have a neighbor that moved next door to me about 4 years ago and he didn't seem all that strange but his wife kept making comments like," It's a fresh new start for us, & I'm so glad we've got neighbors like you." I have since found out that he has been beating his wife for a number of years and the last time he threw her across the room and into the fireplace. Of course there was a police report filed and then they moved down here and next to us. She has had him leave a few times since then but now we have found out that he is back for good, he is a very controlling person and he is mad at us and some of the other neighbors because his wife has come over to talk and get help because she did not know what to do. He seems to be angry at us the most, and wants to get us back. At first he was using psychological threats and waving to us all the time like we were his best friend, which we ignored and this made him more determined to do something. We just kept ignoring his gestures but now he is becoming more violent and calls us over to the fence to talk and then tries to control the conversation even to the point of yelling and belittling me and my wife, with comments like: Your wife's a liar and you are a liar, ''You're just a little man aren't you, yes you are!!" We ignore him but the treats are becoming more and more violent, I'm afraid for my family's safety, What can I do about this type of compulsive behavior? Is it dangerous? Are we playing with fire? ---Worried Dear Worried, In all probability, his violence is limited to his family. Batterers are bullies and they usually find targets that they know they can intimidate like spouses and children. Unfortunately, his wife is still caught up in the viscous cycle of abuse and no one can help her unless she is willing to help herself. There's isn't anything you can do other than suggest she seeks help. If you hear or see something that sounds like violent behavior, don't be afraid to report it. He is hoping that his intimidating tactics will keep you quiet, just like they keep his family quiet. If his wife does want help, there are many programs out there that will provide safe haven as well as take legal action against abusers. I would take his threats seriously. If other neighbors feel the way you do, I would try to set up a meeting with the local police department so they can advise all of you what constitutes illegal behavior and what to do when he tries to intimidate you. In most cases, the police are very helpful and supportive. In these situations they will make sure that the bully knows that he is being watched and will be prosecuted. Most bullies are cowards and that is usually enough to keep them at bay. I would continue to ignore any gesture and refuse to engage in conversations. Please let me know what the police suggest you do. happy(hatesbulliesandabusers)shrink
I have just discover that my friend JeWitch has been writing another "advice giver" as well. She sent the following email to me by mistake: Dear Dr. Laura,
Date: June 3, 2000
Hi Happyshrink, Well, I am a psychiatric nurse and one would think I would have a better understanding of why people use profanities. I don't. I work with a staff of folks who use vulgar language throughout an 8 hour shift. Non-stop. By the end of the shift I feel degraded and depressed. It does no good to ask them not to use profanities, or even to not use so many. It also does no good to report this to supervisors. Can you offer me any advice on how to not let this language bring me down? Thank you, Linda B. Dear Linda B, The use of profanities is often related to the environment one is in. In some homes, the use of profanities is accepted as every day language. Just as adults who smoke are more likely to have their kids smoke, adults who use profanities in front of their children are likely to pass this "habit" on as well. In addition, pre-teens and teenagers will often use profanities because they perceive it to be an adult activity that makes them feel more grown up. As far as profanities in the work place are concerned, they can legally be considered sexual harassment if the content has strong sexual overtones and is specifically directed towards a person of the opposite sex. (or even the same sex depending upon sexual orientation) If the profanities are used to humiliate and demean an employee, that can also be against the law and subject to legal action by the State Office of Employment. The use of profanities as a part of the cultural norm of an organization is not unlawful. Anyone working in that environment has two options if they don't like what is going on. They can quit, or they can try to ignore it. My advice to you is to try and ignore it. Speak in the language you are comfortable with yourself and choose friends at work that are compatible with you. If no one is compatible, then perhaps you may need to consider looking for another job. As a psychiatric nurse, you are in great demand and it shouldn't be to hard to find another position. Good luck and let me know what you think. happy(sometimesfeelslike*@#!%+&)shrink
Happy, Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. Prudence Dear Prudence, Next time you are sitting around the campfire, you might want to tell the story about the first and second quarter NASDAQ plunge of almost 40%. That will leave them quaking in their boots. happy(onceuponatimetherewasthisevilwizardnamedBillGates)shrink
Date: June 2, 2000 Somebody is celebrating a birthday!
Dear Happy, I MUST respond to hp. hp - all women are teachers, and all men are teachers in the arena of lovemaking. Whether this woman is your first or your fiftieth, you will learn something. Please keep in mind that your motivations for intercourse are not hers. Women want romance, love, tenderness, and all the mushy stuff that probably isn't a priority for you. Do we have moments of heated passion? Yep, but you can bet that we'll come to our senses sooner or later and want some "cuddle" time, too. Can you give that? If not, then spare both of you from a bad experience. Also, you're 32. You're not 22. If your current love interest is your age, things are going well and you enjoy a good relationship, then keep it. You're too old for the endless partying and carrying on. The others won't let you play because you're too old anyway. Just think about where you are and where you want to be. And think about if this is the person you want to be with when you're done. I hope things work out well for you. Wind(beentheredonethatoldenoughtoknowthedifference)NWillows
Dear Wind, Good advice. I hope hp is listening. happy(listeningandhoping)shrink
Happy, Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.'' Edna Dear Edna, Yes, "People of yore" had it much worse than people of modern times. ......So I guess your living in a trailer makes you a social climber. happy(hidinginhisowndungeon)shrink
Date: June 1, 2000
Dear Happyshrink I am a 32 male who for the past few months have been entertaining the thought of going to back to college to finish my education but I have two problems I have to deal with before I can do it. I feel I am between a rock and a hard place. One; I have been in a relationship with someone I work with for the past 5 months and I really do not think I can be faithful to this women and go back to school at the same time because to continue to date this women and go back to school at the same time feels like I will have a ball and chain attached to my leg. The other problem is that I don't feel good using people but dating this women has given me my first taste of what it feels like to be intimate with a women. I feel a lot of internal conflict about this because on the one hand I really have a good chance of getting laid but I really don't feel good about myself when the idea of using people pops into my head. It seems obvious to me that I have to break up with this women for me to feel comfortable to go back to college but if I break up with her before I go back to college I will miss out on my best opportunity to have sexual intercourse for the first time. People can tell you that sex intercourse is overrated but when you have not had it the only way to actually find out whether or not it is overrated is to actually have it. How do I broach this situation that if I actually do have sexual intercourse with her she won't feel as if I used her? Do I tell her that I have never had sexual intercourse and I am looking for someone to basically be my teacher? hp Dear hp, Why would going back to college make your relationship with this woman feel like a ball and chain? If you are going back to college with idea of recapturing "lost youth" you may end up being very disappointed. It is never too late to get an education and I would encourage you to do that. At 32, do you expect to become a fraternity party animal? If most of the coeds on campus are in the 18-22 age range, they will probably want to meet guys who are the same age. The bird in the hand that you hold right now may be better than what's flying around in the bushes. I am of the opinion that sexual intercourse is never overrated whether it is the first time or the thousandth time. If the two of you mutually consent to have sexual intercourse, you are not "using" her. Whether or not you tell her about your lack of experience in this area is something that only you can decide on. That really depends on the relationship and the level of intimacy you have at this time. I can't judge that from the other side of the cyberspace. I suggest you think about why you want to go back to college and what you want in an intimate relationship (besides getting laid). It may put things in proper perspective. Good luck with both your endeavors hp. happy(alwaysinproperperspective)shrink
Happyshrink If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. ZooWitch Dear ZooWitch, Where was the Humane Society when they approved your adoption of a vulture? I guess your case is just another disgusting example of some poor defenseless vulture falling through the cracks of a heartless bureaucracy. happy(swimmingwithdolphinsandfeedingwithvultures)shrink
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