Postings from May 1 -15, 2000

Date: May 15, 2000   

Day 14 of "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

Dear Happyshrink,

I am a third grade teacher who has a nine year old student that is stealing items from school , home, stores, etc. Her parents have asked me if I have any suggestions. I am lost. Please help. I don't even know where to begin looking for them. 

Thank you!!!

teacher

Dear teacher,

There are many reasons that might cause a nine year old to impulsively steal including a cry for help. My suggestion is that you recommend the child be evaluated by an interdisciplinary team made up of a school psychologist, a social worker and perhaps a psychiatrist. Through psychological testing and an evaluation of the family and social systems, the causes of these behaviors can be discovered. 

If your school system does not have sufficient access to these types of services, you might want to help the parents find a family service agency or mental health clinic in their area. Please help them to get the help they need for their daughter. If left untreated this behavior can escalate to more severe delinquent behavior. Please let me know what happens and if you have other questions or concerns.

happy(thinkingaboutstealingacomputer)shrink

Dear JeWitch,

If you ever do that, I'll press charges. Then I'll laugh while they haul your sorry ass off to jail. Then I'll get that voodoo globe and peel Orlando off the map.

happy(havingamoment)shrink

Date: May 14, 2000   Happy Mothers Day to All You Moms

Day 13 of "No, it's NOT F'ing ready yet!"

Dear Happy,

I guess I should be happy that I have some sort of family to get together with. If I could be honest, I am not happy about it. So far this month alone, we have gotten together with my husbands family twice, now of course is mother's day, and then we must celebrate two birthdays, GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!

Now, if we could get together once, ok, maybe twice in a month for just an hour or an hour and a half, I think I could choke this down. But when his family gets together it's always an all day event. The men go out and play horseshoes, and the women are left to talk about, well let's see; 1.each other, 

2. trash the people that aren't there

3. talk about who's sick, 

4. talk about why I can't just get it together, and are you sure you really need all that therapy stuff it doesn't really work you know, you're just wasting money (that's my fave!!!!!!!), 

5. talk about tennis (gag me), 

6. talk about how poor and pitiful my brother in laws life is since his wife is being such a bitch and not letting him see his daughter because she suspects he is doing things to her he shouldn't. But of course his ex is the horrible creature cause their son would never do that (except for that time he was with the 14 year old, but let's over look that, they do).

This will drag on for at least 4 or 5 hours every time . I can't do it any more, I can't , I don't want to. I am ready to snap right there in front of all of them and tell all those little nasty secrets I know about each one of them, stuff they won't tell to their mates.

I could destroy this family bullshit. When my mother was alive, I would have to rush out to see her, he would give us about 40 minutes maybe, then rush off to see his family, 4 or five hours. I have resented that, I think I kind of hate him for that. putting his family above mine. More important to see his, of course, always.

This mother's day I will spend with MY family. He will go out and spend all day out at HIS family. My children and I will go see a movie, or just have fun doing something, anything. It will be a good day.

When his parents are gone and he wants to then be with me, I hope I am gone. I'm tired of feeling like I am always the last on his list of priorities.

He will come home on Sunday and want to make it up to me by having sex, as if that means anything. I want to take a shower now, I feel dirty. I will be a bad person in their eyes whether I go out to the family gathering or whether I don't.

So, pardon my bluntness, FUCK them!

I have a right to be happy too damn it.

Methos(havingamoment)

Dear Methos,

First let me personally wish you a Happy Mother's Day. You are a very good mom and I couldn't think of a better thing to do than spend Mother's Day with your kids. You don't need to feel bad about that. Your husband's family is his concern and not yours, especially when they make you feel crappy. 

As far as your husband is concerned he should be allowed to make his own decisions and I don't think it's unreasonable for him to see his mother on Mother's Day. So let him do his thing and you do your thing. 

My guess is that there are more significant things about your relationship than his visiting his family twice a month. I suggest you deal with that issue on another day. Today is a time to feel good about being a wonderful mom and having great kids.

It's also ok to have a moment every now and then. In fact, it's probably one of the more healthy things you can do to let your anger out and express your feelings and needs. Keep up the good work, kiddo.

happy(likesmothersbutdoesn'tlikemotherF'ers)shrink

Happy,

Date: May 13, 2000   

Day 12 of "Ok I'll pay for the damn thing just fix it."

Dear Happyshrink,

I am worried about being depressed. Sometimes I just feel sad for no reason and I don't really feel like doing anything. I go to work every day, and have a good social life. I go to church, visit my parents a few times a month.....in short, nothing should be wrong. But sometimes I feel very
empty and sad. I have never gone to a counselor before and would not know where to start. I don't even know if what I am feeling is a problem. How can I tell?

Worried about depression

Dear Worried about depression,

If you think you may have a problem, it doesn't hurt to check it out. Perhaps a good friend or relative can recommend a psychiatrist or psychotherapist. If not, you might want to find out about family service agencies or mental health clinics in your area. From the limited information you have given me, I can't tell you if you are suffering from depression or any other condition. But it's what you don't know that can hurt you so I would urge you to get evaluated. It will either give you the peace of mind that you are not depressed or help you to deal with whatever condition you might have. Good luck and please let me know how things turn out.

happy(nothingtofearbutfearitself)shrink

Dear Happy,

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

That would make a lot of sense for you especially if you get a job with the Department of Motor Vehicles.

happy(Ihopeyouarepaiduponallyourtickets)shrink

Date: May 12, 2000   

Day 11 of "Happy finally got a ransom note for $176.50"

Dear Happy,

Do you think that thinking, worrying, being stressed makes your hair turn white? Do stressed out people have more white hair, from your experience? I've asked doctors and they say no, but what have you observed.

24 and about 30% white hair.

Dear 24 and about 30% white hair,

There are many factors that determine when someone's hair turns gray or white. Extreme levels of stress and trauma can precipitate hair loss, thinning hair, and even graying hair. The most common factor though is genetics. On the average, a Caucasian person will begin to turn gray in their mid to late 30's. African Americans will begin to turn gray in their mid forties. Individuals may have genetic traits that can either slow down the process or speed it up. I would be curious to know if there are other members of your family that have or had premature gray hair. Given the amount of white hair you have, I would guess that it is more related to genetics than stress, but anything is possible.

happy(aClairolbrunette)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Don't you want that "Order of Protection" filed by your son on behalf of your granddaughter to be lifted before she turns 18?

happy(thetornadosinFloridaisGodwayofbeingpissedoffatJeWitch)shrink

Date: May 11, 2000   

Day 10 of "This is getting to be ri-Goddamn-diculous."

Happy,
I have a problem with anger. I was sexually abused at eight years old and the scars are still there. I have tried counseling before with little or no results. Is there a way to become happy? My wife says trust in the Lord, I try but feel no different. What can I do?

Monster

Dear Monster,

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a very persistent and difficult condition to overcome. If your anger problems stem from your childhood trauma, it can take a long time for counseling to have a significant effect. I suggest that you look into anger management support groups that have an emphasis on cognitive awareness and behavioral techniques to control your anger. Anger is something that everyone experiences. It is not a bad thing in and of itself. It is the behavior (which in some cases end up being physical or mental abuse to others) that is bad and needs correction.

I can appreciate your wife's view that faith is the answer. It has been the answer for many people but it doesn't necessarily work when there are still unresolved conflicts from early trauma. Keep working hard at exorcising the demons and the "Monster" may eventually turn into a prince. Please feel free to write me again. Let me know how you are doing.

happy(notafraidofmonsterswhentheylovecookies)shrink

Dear Happy,

JeWitch is STILL PUSHING the ... "you need a little culture in your life, Edna" crap down my throat. Tonight her and her boyfriend are taking me to the Filthy Harmonica Orchestra ... Now you tell me Happy, how's THAT gonna give me culture ??

Edna

Dear Edna,

Why go see a bunch of filthy harmonicas when you got a guy like Bubba around? Just tell JeWitch that you already have enough filth in your life. Next thing you know she'll try to take you to the Metropolis Operator even though you don't own a phone and your are not a fan of Superman.

happy(oncewenttothe"NYCBallot"buttheywouldn'tletmevote)shrink

Date: May 10, 2000   

Day 9 of "Happy atoning for his sins against Bill Gates."

Dear Happy,

Edna calls 911 for DAMN NEAR any stupid reason. Here is a list of her last 10 calls:

14. The pork chops were touching the mashed potatoes on her plate.
13. She was bored with "Growing Pains" reruns.
12. Thought she had acute terminal halitosis.
11. She couldn't figure out how to program her VCR.
10. Painful thigh pimples.
9. Her garbage cans were overrun with maggots.
8. Her baby dropped the toothbrush down the sink again.
7. Her computer screen-saver was causing dizziness.
6. Final Jeopardy was coming up!
5. Her bank teller looks too much like Phyllis Diller.
4. She thought she figured out who was on the "Grassy Knoll."
3. Ted Kennedy vomited in her car.
2. Herr Snickers bar didn't "truly satisfy."
1. Scooby-Doo and the gang appear to REALLY be in trouble this time.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

At least you can give her some credit for memorizing a 3 digit number.

happy(calling911togetmycomputerfixed)shrink

Date: May 9, 2000   

Day 8 of "Happy getting mad as hell and not wanting to take it anymore."

Dear Happyshrink,

I am still dating that guy Dwayne who bartends at the Dew Drop Inn here in Orlando. He's an o.k. guy when he's not winking at other women or complimenting them on their breasts or staring at their butts. He said he just can't help himself, it's a sickness he's battled all his life. He said he really should get help, it's just that he doesn't have any medical insurance to cover the cost of the therapy just now. Isn't that the saddest thing?

Doesn't it make you feel lucky that you don't have problems like that.

Prudence

Dear Prudence,

Every time I visit the Dew Drop Inn I feel lucky. Every time I leave the Dew Drop Inn without a communicable disease I feel relieved.

happy(havingmoreproblemswithcomputersthanwomenthesedays)shrink

Date: May 8, 2000   

Day 7 of "Happy waiting for a computer miracle"

Dear happyshrink,

I'm looking for the humor on your site... anyway here's my question: Do you ever notice that some folks get extremely upset at being called a shrink? I was on a job once and a coworker -a foreman, asked a woman who had complained about all the noise we were making( remodeling): Oh are you the shrink fron upstairs? Needless to say he was transferred within an hour...seems the shrink also happened to own the bldg.

Do people with mental health problems think their heads are somehow swollen and in need of the skills of a shrink to return their brains to a more normal size? or perhaps it refers to ancient peoples who were known to shrink the heads of their enemies? I didn't want to seem too serious for humor 's sake please edit as you will.

Peace

Dear Peace,

The term "shrink" was derived by the term "head shrinker." Therapists were and in some cases are still often viewed as "witch doctors" who have some magical power over the minds of their patients. During the seventies, "shrink" caught on in a less derogatory way referring to therapists and psychiatrists. I guess some shrinks are still pretty sensitive about the being called a shrink. Especially those who are rich enough to own a building. If you think your head might be swollen Peace, why not make an appointment and I'll see what I can do.

happy(pullingoutmyoldGuilbertChemistrySet)shrink

Dear Happy,

I found that last JeWitch letter very, very interesting. You know...the one about chocolate having the same chemical properties of....um, I forget.
Nevermind.

love,
st(triedchocolateoncebutdidn'tswallow)theresa

Dear St. Theresa,

Chocolate is certainly a lot cheaper than that other stuff. On the other hand, that other stuff is easier on the thighs. Considering how skinny you are, you might want try swallowing anyway.

happy(lovesagirlwhoswallows)shrink

Date: May 7, 2000   

Day 6 of "Happyshrink's Not Very Excellent Adventure"

Dear Happy,

I read that Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. There were other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

The only thing I would urge you to consider is that when you are having more than one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Don't drive or use any heavy machinery.

happy(thatincludesyourvibrator)shrink

Date: May 6, 2000   

Day 5 of "Happyshrink in the Black Hole of Computer Technology."

Dear Happy,

It seems like making a conscious effort to interact only makes me more skilled at it. It doesn't make me feel a whole lot different. When I went to therapy one of the first things I told him was that I wanted to feel different when I'm around people and that it would be torture being able to act like I was comfortable when I really wasn't.

Do you think skills will make me feel different? I have pushed myself in the past, not lately, but my other therapist agreed that I had. I can give examples in chat.

Your absolutely right about me needing to do something that makes me feel better about myself. My life feels really self absorbed right now. My job is the major part of my life and a LARGE part of it is enforcing laws. I make people upset and angry frequently. I need to do something that makes people happy, for a change. Volunteer work would help me.

Bee_Balm

Dear Bee_Balm,

The process of change is often, if not always slower than we would like it to be. The fact that you can recognize your improved skills interacting with people indicates to me that you are on the right track. The "feeling more comfortable" will take longer. In addition, I don't know too many people who feel totally comfortable meeting new people and experiencing new situations. Some of the feelings that you would like to eliminate may always be there, Sometimes the best we can do is make the feelings less intense and shorten the time we make the transition from the "awkward stage" to the familiar.

Volunteering is a great idea. Two thoughts that come to mind are Senior Citizens Centers or "Big Brothers and Big Sisters." Perhaps your church has a volunteer program too. Not only can volunteering make you feel good about yourself but it is another opportunity to be in a new situation. Let me know what you come up with.

It may not feel like it Bee but you are growing in leaps and bounds. Keep it up!

happy(volunteeringontheInternet)shrink

Dear Happy,

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I WOULD LOVE TO BE SKINNY LIKE THAT !!! "Cept not with all those flies and death and stuff."

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

You know that volunteer stuff I was talking about in the last letter? Well forget it!

happy(somepeoplearebetteratreceiving)shrink

Date: May 5, 2000   

Day 4 of "Happy in Pentium 90 Purgatory."

Dear Happy,

I just realized that children are dogs, loyal and affectionate and that teenagers are cats.

It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounces indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses and sprints through the kitchen long enough to turn it's nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt andfear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely
forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

So why didn't you become a dog again?

happy(arfarf)shrink

Date: May 4, 2000   

Day 3 of "Happy in Computer Repair Hell."

Well I finally got a few things to post so here goes:

Dear happyshrink,

Hope you get your computer fixed soon, sorry you are having trouble. But maybe it's kind of nice not to have to read all of the email, and just have a few nights to your self, or what ever it is you do. take an extra day to prance around in your elf suit, do the bunny hop through the living room. Any way, I miss you, not that I really know you, but, well, you get the point.

Methos(gladhercomputerisstillworking)

Dear Methos,

I think you are right about having a few nights to myself. I was out last night and saw the movie "FREQUENCY." It was fabulous. I even got to talk to people face to face and I'm starting to believe that there is a wonderful world out there beyond the Internet. Could this be a sign that I should have more of a life than working by day and becoming a computer geek by night?    Nah!

Thanks for the good wishes.

happy(yesIgetthepoint)shrink

Happy,

Regarding that poor kid Elian Gonzales ... those people who were keeping him from his daddy should be KICKED TO DEATH by a jackass .. I am JUST THE ONE TO DO IT TOO !!

Edna

Dear Edna,

I got an even better idea. Let's send your kids to Elian's American relatives. That should cure them of wanting to raise someone else's kid.

happy(missedhisfavoritejackass)shrink

Date: May 3, 2000   

Day 2 of  "Happyshrink in Computer Withdrawal."

Hi Everyone. This is happy on the old machine again. I took the computer to a repair shop and they told me to "call them later in the week." So much for quick service. I haven't gotten any letters yet. Part of the problem is that I'm having difficulty accessing my "askhappy@happyshrink.com" email. Where the hell is St. Theresa when I need her? She's probably playing Keno and winning thousands of dollars. Please send email to me via askhappy@happyshrink.com until I get my computer back. I hope that I get some letters tommorow from Edna and JeWitch. Since I am spending less time on the computer, I will be trying to occupy my time productively. Any advice will be appreciated.

Date: May 2, 2000   

Dear Everybody,

My computer crashed again and I am trying desparately to get it fixed. The old machine takes forever to even type on and does not have any e-mails on it, so I will not be able to post today. Please "re-email" me any letters you have sent in the past 10 days that I have not yet answered.(That should be the past 30 days for JeWitch.) I will try and get this up and running as soon as possible. Please be patient.

happy(needsanewcomputer)shrink

PS: I will be in the chat room tonight.

Date: May 1, 2000   

Dear Linda,

You didn't give me much to work with here. I don't know why your sister is angry with you and your family nor do I know what you fight about. Sisters do fight and that's normal. Sometimes sisters need to distance themselves with one another in order to develop their own sense of identity. If you are both teenagers, this behavior is not unusual. If this is causing serious problems for the whole family you might want to ask your parents to consider family counseling.

If I were you Linda, I would just leave your sister alone and let her work out her issues. In time she may begin to like you and your family again. I know this is difficult for you but you can't force someone to like you or love you. In the meantime, develop other relationships and work on your own identity. If I had to guess, you will get your sister back some time in the future. Good luck

happy(didn'talwayslikemysistereither)shrink

Dear JeWitch,

I think your pets are getting to you. Now you are shedding too. And by the way..... did you know that saliva causes cancer? Fortunately only if taken in small quantities over a long period of time.

happy(learningworthlessinfoeveryday)shrink