Letters March 16 - 29, 2000

My name is E*** and I wanted to ask you a question. I know that I need help, but I am afraid that I will be Baker Acted or something if I actually say everything I feel to a therapist. Is this possible or can they only do that if you actually try to commit suicide? What if you do try and then you see a therapist? Also, I tried to get into the chat room the way you suggested but it told me that there was a problem with the script, I know virtually nothing about computers, what can U do now?

If you are hurting so bad that you are thinking about suicide, you need to get help and not worry about being "committed." The fact that you have written me and posted on the "Tawk Amongst Yourselves" Bulletin Board tells me that you want help even though you are very frightened. People really do care about you E*** and it does matter what happens to you. Can your share with me why you feel so bad? Please write me back. I'm still listening.

As far as getting on the Tuesday Night Chat, I suggest you go to www.dal.net, type in a original nickname and type in the channel box, #askhappyshrink. That should get you in the chat room. The group meets on Tuesdays from 8:30 to 10:30 Eastern Daylight Savings Time (spring forward this weekend). I hope to see you there E*** and I really want to hear from you again.

The President is screwing you and me on gasoline prices. Howard and his wife are still separated and he's still as miserable as ever. Country music is.......er...... well it's country music.

I am expecting my first child between August 25 and September 8. My partner and I have been together ten and a half months. The pregnancy was unplanned however we are both happy. I am 28 and my partner is 34.We got engaged on Valentines Day after we found out. We will be moving to New Zealand in 6 weeks. This will be a first child for both of us. My problem is this. I am anxious in case the child is a girl. I was sexually abused by my father between 4 and 15. (He died on my 19th birthday from a heart attack.) I have had extensive counseling for these unfortunate events. I have not told my partner and don't think it will be a good idea to do so. Am I wrong? Will I still make a good mother?

Another problem I have is with my family. I have four sisters ranging in age from 30 to 17. Ever since I was young I have been constantly compared and teased unmercifully by them. My mother was neglectful. I spent most of my teenage years lonely and depressed. Today I feel uncomfortable and insecure around them. I have no desire or drive to associate with them. When do I come away, I feel very depressed. I can't wait to move to a new country so I can have a separate identity from my sisters.

After I got pregnant suddenly they are interested in me. I feel taken aback and afraid to trust them. They rarely ever contact me. I am very happy with my partner and with little contact with my family. Is there something wrong with this? I do want to forgive them but at the moment I just need space.

I think it would be a very good idea to tell your partner about your childhood experiences. Despite the counseling you have had, there are still unresolved issues that need to be addressed. Your having a child probably brings them back into focus. Don't start off your relationship with such a deep dark secret. Eventually it will come out and it is better that you do it now.

Yes, you can be a good mother and wife, but don't run aware from your fears. Deal with them as you have in the past. As far as your family is concerned, there are probably issues there that relate to your trauma. Perhaps if you get back into therapy, you can deal with those issues too. Right now, the most important things in your life are your new baby and your future husband. If your family affects them adversely, you can put those relationships on hold for now.

I am VERY upset about this note I found written to my son Andie (or was it Andy, I forget) but anyway I'm attaching a copy here and you can see for yourself why I am so bothered by it.

I didn’t necissarily care for the tone of the note you last rote to me. You more or less emplied that me and you’s just been having sex every nite behind the dumpster at the Pizza Hut and it don’t mean nothing but nothing to you. It is my understanding that you just want me for my body but you got no intention of getting engaged to me or marrying me or even calling me your "old lady". You just seem to want me to be at your beck and call, just to be your love slave and nothing more. Well, I ain’t for sure, but I think I might be being used. But probly not.

Well, Andie, I got to go for now. Oh, almost forgot. You remember that prisoner I was dating before I started dating you-- you know, Enis Edmonds. He was the one who said he’d kill whoever it was what stole me from him, well, anyhow, Enis is up for parole agin. He sent me a letter saying he’s got a good chance of getting out on account of good behavior (he hasn’t maimed no one for at least six months). Keep your fingers crossed for him. He really disserves a break.

Do you think I should be worried about my sweet Andie ??? You don't think he's gonna be talked into getting hitched do you ??? Hope she gets hooked back up with that Enis. He is quite a catch you know. You can see his picture HERE on my web page, but Ladies, don't go tryin' to get hooked up with him, I want him to get back with Marlene so Andie can become a VIRGIN again like his sweet brother Andy. (Whose picture you can see HERE.) But you know ... Enis is my half brother and if my son has sex with someone who has had sex with my half brother, I think that might be incest. Is it ??? Wouldn't it be ironic if Enis hurts my son Andie and has to go back to jail again.

It seems to me that Andie is looking for a woman who is just like his mom! Isn't that sweet?

Have you ever seen Single White Female? I'm scared of my roommate. Not REALLY scared, but she's a super freaky child. I mean one messed up sister. The girl is a creepy sicko. She eavesdrops on me (I said last night that she was pathetic if she was listening to my call and heard her hang up), takes my things and would completely deny that she ever had them (CDs mysteriously disappear and reappear over a couple of weeks), I'm pretty sure has gotten access to my car and gotten into it, my mail is always ridiculously late and she's the one whose always home first, creates refrigerator word magnet messages such as "sigh, don't fall" next to a picture of me on top of a rock climb, and put the word "die" under the sofa blanket I use. She claimed her dog destroyed a plant of mine the one weekend I happened to go away, and there wasn't even so much as a pot left for her to show me.

She holds a normal job as a special ed teacher (HAHA) and appears normal to her friends (all drinking buddies, really) she has no personality according to my mom (renowned for her perceptivity -is that a word?- with people), has had her tires slashed by an ex boyfriend, had the guy she was screwing right after that come pound on our door the week after we moved in, and has since screwed a couple other guys. This is all since November! I signed a lease to be here with her for another six months. What do I do??? What if she's already seen all my important papers and has more than enough personal info on me? AAHHH!

Most residential leases have a one or two month penalty for breaking a lease. I think that it would be worth it to get out of this situation. Sit down with your roommate and tell her that the living arrangement is not working out for you. Don't get into an argument with accusations and recriminations. Try to work out an equitable settlement and at this point, try to be as accommodating as possible. Keep in mind that while she may be the "roommate from hell" to you, she may perceive that you are the difficult one. Both of you made a mistake in choosing each other as a roommate and that's all you can really agree on at this point.

You also may want to move out your valuables before this conversation so that if she feels compelled to act in a passive aggressive way, she won't be able to do it with anything that is of importance to you. That's all you can do WB. Chalk this one up to experience and screen your next roommate more carefully. Good luck and let me know how things work out.

Sure am glad JeWitch is back .. Now I can use her computer. Would have LOVED to come north with her but she said she would NOT be held responsible for me on a long trip again. Last summer her and I went to New York City. While we were in the train station I saw a poster on this wall .. it was almost completely destroyed ... Those damn NY punks must have been trying to take it with them instead of just remembering what the poster said ... BOY THEY GROW THEM STUPID THERE.

Any way, the poster was letting me know about a really GREAT CONCERT that was coming to a NY town in August called Woodstock. It was happening 2 days after we were scheduled to leave. I told JeWitch I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to go with OUT her. Didn't want to let her in on THIS BIG SECRET. Jimi Hendrix is really NOT DEAD. He was playing at the concert. What a HUGE SURPRISE it was to me to find out about him NOT BEING DEAD ... did you know ??

Anyway .. I must have read the sign wrong .. I waited and waited ... EVEN TILL THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND .. I was the ONLY ONE THERE all week. Guess I must have read the date wrong .. I couldn't find my way back to that damn poster .. I ended up being in NY for a month ... by that time I was SURE the concert was over. It was September when I got back to Florida.

Have you heard of him doing any more concerts ? Or albums ?? I will come back to NY with or without JeWitch when he does.

I will let you know the next time Jimi Hendrix is playing in New York. Then you and the family can er..... visit me. I will come down to visit you the next time Elvis is doing a concert at the Circle K Trailer Park. Can't wait to see you guys!

Hello there Happyshrink,

I am writing to you in regards of a friend of mine. He tried to commit suicide the other night and because he does not have a lot of money and no health insurance he does not want to go to a therapist. There is more to it than money however, he just plain does not want to go. He needs help. I was one of the two people he left a goodbye note to. I was the one who found him after he had overdosed. I took him to the hospital and his family is very unsupportive. He was asking for help and they just do not seem like they are going to follow up on his actions. If you could please send me some advice on what to say to make him see someone professionally it would really help me and more importantly him out. Thank you for your time.

Dear NK,

If your friend does not have much money or health insurance, there are clinics that will treat him for a very low fee or without any charge. Your friend may also qualify for Medicaid or a State health insurance program. Your perception that it is more than money is correct. Money is usually an excuse and the real problem is his resistance to get the help he needs. People who suffer from depression do not feel that they can be helped or they feel so bad about themselves, they don't think they deserve to get better.

There is not much you can do that you aren't already doing NK. You can let your friend know that you care and it does matter what happens to him. Continue to urge him to get help. Depressed people need good friends and you sound like a very good one NK. Let me know how things work out.

happy(thinksgoodfriendsaremorevaluablethanmoney)shrink

Bubba set mine on fire last week, .. you know that REALLY NICE TOSHIBA that JeWitch gave me .. remember when she got the keyboard wet spraying it for ants with bug spray ??? (and people think I am stupid) Any way .. it was an accident. I had it all set up for Chat last week .. it was on my bed and Bubba was on my bed ... lighting farts. Damn he is a funny guy .. well .. I had made some of my FAMOUS DISHWASHER STEW and we had been eating a lot of beans the week before .. you know second generation beans get pretty damn powerful ... and he lit a real "DEADLY ONE" and shot a flame so HUGE that it melted the damn keyboard.

Dear Edna,

I have two recommendations. First, make sure that all your "valuables" as well as Andie's fireworks are outside the trailer when Bubba starts lighting his farts. Second, after Bubba and you finish sanding the serial numbers off the guns, make sure that they are really nice and clean by running them in the dishwasher. About a dozen cycles should do the trick. You should finish in plenty of time to get on line tonight. I look forward to seeing you!

happy(beansfreeforseveralmonthsnow)shrink

You were right when you said it probably wasn't worth waiting for the severance. It appears I may be downgraded into another position simply because it would be a good way to demoralize me further so I might go ahead and quit. Now this isn't a definite but it is starting to look like the next tactic.

There must be a strange sort of insanity inside of me which expects low-life scumbags to suddenly become good people in the final hours and "do the right thing". But I thought, no way would they cheat me out of my severance after 18 years! I'm going to take the rest of this week off, maybe next week too. My head is swirling and I do not feel stable at all. I honestly don't know how to begin, Happy. I just can no longer keep dragging myself half-alive to work each day and come home miserable anymore. My family is sick of me, my friends are sick of me, and I know you are probably disgusted with me by now. There has to be a way to start over. I have to find it even if it means selling everything I own to begin again. I just never thought I would be the one thrown to the lions.

I guess when you are disgusted with yourself, you assume everyone is disgusted with you too. That is not the case with me and I would bet that friends and family are more concerned than disgusted. I am glad you are taking some time off for yourself. You certainly deserve it. Try to think about your options should you choose to leave your job. There are better alternatives out there and not all employers are scumbags (even though a lot of them are).

Just one last thought Jen. You are not starting over. You are moving on and continuing your journey. The knowledge and wisdom you have gained over the past 18 years will be another employer's gain. Look carefully and find a good one. Please continue to write and I will continue to not be disgusted with you.

Tell your boyfriend to look at the bright side. If he ever recovers his fortune, he will now have only one way to lose it all: THE STOCK MARKET!

I have a major problem. My parents broke up after spending thirty years together 2 years ago and I am badly affected by that. I am confused about my sexuality which I think I might by gay. I have feelings towards my own sex but I have never slept with someone of my own sex.

Also when I drink I get out of control and very abusive towards others. When I am sober I am a very honest and caring person but when I drink I am a nasty person. I don't remember the nasty things I say to people when I drink. What should I do and what is wrong with me?

Starting off, I would suggest you stop drinking. It sounds like it can become a serious problem if you keep doing it and alienating people around you. When you drink, your inhibitions are lowered and feelings come out that normally remain under control. It sounds like your emotional plate is very full right now dealing with both your sexuality and your parents' break up. Drugs or alcohol will only make those issues feel worse in the long run.

I would suggest you find a counselor or therapist who you can talk to about these issues in a sober and safe environment. There is probably nothing wrong with you that a little insight and a little maturity can't cure. Get the help you need K. Let me know how you make out.

Dear Happy,

My momma, Hazel, or as she is known by her stage name-- the Amazing Juggetta-- will be in town this week performing at Big Eddie’s Tits and More. She called last nite and said I could come by and see her after the 9 o’clock show on Friday nite. I don’t know if I will go or not, tho.

It’s not that I don’t want to see my momma--it’s just that I dread her judgmentalism. Her standards are so high and I never feel like I measure up.

Edna

I have to tell you, at first I didn't know what to think about it, but now I think I am proud of myself. I was getting ready for work this morning, curling my hair. I had been frustrated since the day before, feeling down, etc. As I was standing in front of the mirror, feeling like I was there and not there, I felt heat by my face. It took a moment to realize I was trying to burn myself with the curling iron, I have done that a lot in the past, but I had never been aware of it till after it happened. This time I stopped it before. I know this may sound weird to people, but I felt the heat. That is a big statement. A big realization of feelings, and I am excited by it. This at least gives me some indication that I am progressing, I have had my doubts.

I have never had any doubts. You have progressed by leaps and bounds in an incredibly short time. I won't be surprised of even better things to come!

Is it possible for complete strangers to have the same or similar behavioral habits? eg. idiosyncratic things, ways of behaving etc.?

With over 4 billion of us on this earth, it not only possible; it's probable. Did you realize the amount of people the average person meets in just one year today is as many people that the average person met in a lifetime 100 years ago. Living in similar cultures and/or similar family structures can also lend itself to similarities in habits and rituals. Then there are situations like JeWitch and Edna..... 'nuff said.

I am so delighted that I found your web site. I am working with a group of fine people who have been in mental institutions most of their lives. Then when the government took away funding, they were kicked out of those "state hospitals" and placed in nursing homes and residental care facilities. Their ages are from 30-87. They have many backgrouds... everything from boxing to medicine.

Our program gets them out of the nursing homes and RCFs 6 days a week and we try to provide them a chance to empower themselves and find some joy in life. These are folks with mental illnesses where traditional means of treatment have not worked.

I would love to do a group on laughter and perhaps find a way to incorporate laughter into our approach more. Do you have any advise or insight that you could share?

Outside the Internet, I am the Program Director of a residential facility for chronic mentally ill women. Many of them like your clients, have spent many years in State Hospitals as well as living on the street. All of them at one time or another were homeless. Some of their histories include, physical and sexual abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, prostitution and begging. Despite all of this, they can still smile and laugh.

Laughter is among the most powerful treatments for physical as well as mental illness. If we lose the ability to laugh, we lose our will for survival. As survivors, the residents of my facility are still able to laugh despite enormous pain and suffering. Laughter and humor are a critical part of clinical interventions. When clinical staff and clients are able to laugh together, it tears down barriers and enable all of us to relate to one another as people. Nothing is more empowering than that.

As far as your group is concerned, I would recommend vehicles like creative writing, talent shows, sing- offs and poetry to bring out the laughter. Getting volunteers (especially children) to visit is always guaranteed to bring smiles and laughter to the program. Pet visits are also a big hit at my residence (dog's, cat's and birds are good but I would pass on snakes and insects). Please continue to write and let me know what you are doing so we can compare notes.

Dear Happy,

How’s the goddamn world treating you? Things are pretty f--king good here. My ex-husband Lyle called me the other nite from Manila. (That’s in the Fillopeens out in one of the oceans somewhere in case you didn’t know. Witchie's daughter in law is from there you know.)

Anyway, the son of a bitch said he misses me. He said the other sailors all had them some Fillopeen women and were out getting drunk and having lots of fun and enjoying life while he stayed back at the ship and wrote his EX-middle-aged wife in Florida. He said he knew the other sailors really envied him deep down but that they just hid their feelings real well. Isn’t that Lyle just a motherf--king romantic to beat all hell?!

Saw one of those foreign films the other night with JeWitch and her man. Funny thing about them foreign films is you can’t understand a goddamn word anyone is saying so’s you got to read the words at the bottom of the movie screen to figure out what the piss is going on. Well, if I’d have known I was going to have to READ a bitching movie, I would have bought a goddamn book. Can you believe that shit?

Well, I got to go now. Witchie and her boyfriend invited me to another outing and I got to get ready or I’m going to be late. Tonite we’re going to the opera. I hope to hell the opera is a place where I can kick back and relax and let out a fart or two if I have to. I like JeWitch and her BF but they really seem to lean towards a tight-ass form of entertainment.

You take care and don’t take any shit off JeWitch or St.Theresa and her friend when they come to see you this weekend. Wish I was going there too.

Love, Edna

I have been seeing a happyshrink of my own since January. He has helped me hold on to life for the time being. Twelve years ago, he treated me, inpatient, for a severe eating disorder. Thanks to his help, I was 95% recovered, was able to raise my three children, finish a BS degree, and get a job. My husband is very supportive, without co-dependency issues.

So why do I want to use my advanced degree in clinical pharmacology to kill myself? My therapist has been working with me, but the feelings are still there. Some days I make myself wait five minutes at a time, then five more minutes, and so on-forcing myself to stay here for a few minutes more, until the urge passes. I know I could call my therapist, and that he would speak with me, but I won't do it. I would be on the phone three times a week, and so far, I have held on. This therapist is the only person I have ever trusted in therapy, he is safe and he always makes eye contact. I want to feel better-but I want it now. I am tired of working so hard not to feel bad and to stay here. Will I ever feel better? I have told my happyshrink that I am planning to end my life when my daughter graduates from college (very soon). We are working on this. He jokingly suggested that my daughter work on a triple major. Seriously, I am tired of all the effort--will I see living as effortless some day.

Hopeyouhaveacrystalball

Dear Hopeyouhaveacrystalball,

Life is never effortless. Not for rich people or poor people; not for a happy people or sad people; not for smart people or stupid people; not for anybody. One of the most important things that we have to learn is this fact: Life it hard. (I know, M. Scott Peck said "life is difficult.") The key to a successful life is finding ways to make life meaningful but it's never easy. Most people I work with fight every day to just survive.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of meaning in your life, but only you can determine if it's enough to keep you surviving. Use your therapist, your family and your friends to engage in this dialogue. If you keep it to yourself, you only get one point of view (and from a depressed person at that). All of us need support and sanction to feel worthwhile. I am sure there are a lot of people that think you are valuable and worth while Hopeyouhaveacrystalball. If writing your letter to me and getting my answer back makes you feel good (even just a little bit) it proves my point. Don't shut people out of your life. Engage with them. That's what will ease the pain and make life meaningful. Please continue to engage with me again.

happy(andhopingforabrightfuture)shrink

Happyshrink,

I am Andie, NOT my brother ANDY. Andy is a DWEEB and doesn't have a girlfriend, I do and am NOT a dweeb. My girlfriend's name is Marlene Jane. Her and I have been "doin-it" every night for the past month but I still ain't the settling down kind.

I hope that she ain’t thinking that me and her’s a couple or anything. I’ll never get married becuz I’ve always heard that marriage is like a black hole of despair that just limits you to having sex with one person. It’s like a death sentence that only gets worse when the children are born because the children are like lead weights that just crush the life out of you and condemn you to this really weighted down, really crappy existence. I don’t know if all that’s true, Happyshrink, but at least that’s what my mother, Edna, tells me.

My birthday’s cumming up in a couple weeks and I’ll be 20 years old. I don’t like to brag, but that’ll make me the oldest sophomore in the hole alternative high school....well, o.k., I take that back. I do like to brag, THAT is why I was writing to you in the first place. And also to get your feelings on settling down.

Later, Andie

I agree that you are too young to settle down. I would urge you to stay in school. If you can manage to stay in school for another 2 years and 5 days, you will be the oldest person ever in the whole State of Florida to be continuously enrolled in high school. In the words of Dan Quayle, "A mind is a terrible thing to lose!" He should know, so don't lose yours!

Happy,

Life seems to be changing all around me and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or what. I have started a home-based business and have to spend a lot of time on the computer, great for me, not so great I guess for the rest of the family. I talked it over with them before I started, I received a lot of negative talk, but with comments like, "But I will support you"., of course followed by every reason under the sun as to why I shouldn't. I work a full time job at an office, I come home, I teach class on some nights, and every night I work at least till 11pm or 12am on my home business.

I know I have not been giving my family, the house work, the animals, the bills, the husband, as much attention and they are letting me know it. Of course, when I start making good money, they all have ideas on how I should spend it. I want this so bad Happy, I want to be financially independent, I want to work for myself. Selfish maybe, but I am tired of not making as much as I want, not feeling secure in a job, not being able to do what I want to do and still earn money. I have goals, desires, and I have a plan to work toward success. I think it threatens my husband, he is drinking more, and my kids, well they complain that I am on the computer too much, but when i ask them what they would like to do, they are either wanting to be in their room, or out the door to a friends house.

While I support your efforts to start your own business and become financially independent, your schedule does sound over-loaded. When you are that busy and feel pressure from your family, life can become very stressful and overwhelming. Are there things you can give up or put on hold while you get your business off the ground? Even if it's a few extra hours a week to spend quality time with your husband and kids, it may go a long way in keeping them happy. Keeping them happy will make it easier for them to support you. With less pressure from them, you may find that you are more efficient and actually get more done in less time.

Life is all about making choices Methos. Only you can choose how to spend your time, but there are benefits as well as consequences. Make the choices that will enable you to get the most out of life. I wish I had a formula for that myself. As you might have noticed, my plate is pretty full too.

You and Witchie are both wrong about what the pointy end of the can opener. You know how you get that gray stuff in your sink and it's just inside the drain and you can't quite reach it? And there's all that hair and stuff that gets trapped in it? THAT'S what you use the pointed end of the can opener for! To scrape it out!

I am a 21 year old college student and i was just at home on sping break. I came home one day and wound up walking in my 17 year old sister engaging in anal sex with a 14 year old boy. This just does not seem right. Is it? How should I confront her?

It's a lot more than "not right." In most places, it is considered child abuse and possibly statutory rape. This is a pretty awful situation for you to be in and I really feel for you. You are damned if you do something about it, and you are damned if you keep silent. It's a tough call Worried, but I don't think you can keep silent about this.

While it may feel uncomfortable and it may also damage your relationship with your sister, I would speak to your parents about this situation. I don't know how well equipped your parents are to deal with it, but they are your sister's legal guardians and should know about this potentially serious problem. You might also suggest that they consider both individual and family therapy.

I do not have enough information about your sister to assess why she is involved with a 14 year old, but clearly this behavior is dangerous and self destructive. Help her to get the help she needs to find better ways to develop and explore her sexuality. Let me know what you think Worried about sis. I would also like others to comment on this situation.

Dear Happyshrink,

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is ''MM'' in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said ''Call 911!'' but he was afraid it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled ''Join the crew!'' He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all of the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, ''Welcome to the world of AIDS.'' Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

If you let all your friends know about this VIA e-mail you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

My name is David and my question is where does motivation come from? And please I beg you don't give me a cockamamy answer like I can not replace the advice of a real therapist. That is just so stupid. Anyway I enjoy cheering people up. I don't know to solve my own problems but I am very good at solving others. So I want to know does anyone truly find excessive happiness? I want to be happy but I can't be happy 24 hours a day. So how do you balance it out? Thank you

You have asked me two questions. 1)Where does motivation come from?... and 2)Can people find "true happiness?" (Excessive happiness would mean too much happiness and that might make you unhappy.) So here are my hopefully non-cockamamy answers.

Abraham Maslow, a noted psychologist and the founder of humanistic psychology developed a hierarchical model of human motivation (aka Maslow's hierarchy of needs). The ultimate motivation is for self actualization where you reach your "human potential." Before that can occur you have to satisfy the building blocks of needs. In ascending order, they are;

You sound like you are a young person David and you are probably still working on some of those building blocks. If you are able to hang in there and achieve more of them, you can work towards your self actualization. You may have observed people who have gotten lost on their own journey and just end up "surviving." Those are people who forgot what their dreams and aspirations were. There are always good excuses for why they abandoned their dreams but clearly they are not happy and don't live life to the fullest. So how do you live your life to the fullest? It's your journey David and you have to find your own way.

As for the question of finding true happiness, it is not a constant feeling of euphoria. Life is always a balance of tears and laughter; joy and sorrow; winning and losing. If you are able to work your way up the hierarchy of needs, you will achieve a great degree of happiness. If this task seems a bit overwhelming, I have a suggestion. Write your own "Obituary" projecting it 40 to 60 years in the future. What would you want it to say Dave? Let me know and we can talk some more.

I can relate to "stuck in a lonely hole". I know what she means by being lonely and, at the same time, not wanting to be around people. It seems like I should be able to make myself go into mingling situations. It makes sense that in order to stop being lonely I have to talk and meet people, but its a reaction (like taking my hand off a hot stove). I feel guilty when I avoid an opportunity to meet people, but then I think, "I saved them the discomfort".

Sometimes meeting people is hard work. While the Internet has made it easier for some of us (myself included), the prospects for eyeball to eyeball meeting and trying to feel like you have something worthwhile to offer the other person is still scary to many of us. Don't give up on it Bee. The next letter is from "Stuck in a lonely hole" and she's not giving up either.

Thanks for throwing me the rope! I did call today and was amazed at how easy it is to set up the appointment through my HMO. I've been in counseling and psychotherapy for most of my adult life (just turned 47) I think that a lot of my issues around family of origin (neglect, abuse, domestic violence, trauma) are pretty clear for me and resolved, thanks to all the work I've done in the past. I stopped seeing a clinical psychologist (7 years of very worthwhile work) about 3 years ago. Since then I've kind of been doing my own thing with meditation, reading, and St. John's Wort (which actually helped me noticeably).

I've always been reluctant to try meds or see a psychiatrist, but based on what I've experienced in the past 2 years and your advice, I now want to look into giving meds a try. I don't think further therapy of the types I've done before will help significantly at this point. So now I do have hope for finding my way out of the hole!

I just discovered your site last week at a time of desperation and was impressed with your unique combination of humor, compassion, and sensible professional advice. The world's a better place with you in it! Thank you.

I like this name much better than "Stuck in a lonely hole." I am very pleased that you "heard" me and are willing to consider new options for treatment. The previous work that you did in therapy will continue to pay off dividends as you continue the journey. I also want thank you for your kind words. Responses like your letter is what keeps me doing this thing. (On Tuesday it will be 3 years!) Please update me on how your appointment goes and how things progress. As long as you keep holding on to the rope, I won't let go.

My life is very complicated right now, but fortunately, reading your web page and getting inspiration from JeWitch and Edna had enabled me to find ways to make life easier. Here are just a few of them:

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. You might find that the subsequent food poisoning will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only two days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

I hope these suggestions can do as much for your readers as they have done for me.

Your tips on making life easier are very helpful. When did you say you are scheduled to be released from prison?

I had another "house" dream. This time, it is as though I am out shopping for houses and I come across a deal where three houses are being sold with the same property. All three houses are located on top of a leveled off plateau, but two of the houses are backed up to the edge of the plateau and the smallest house is precariously pitched against a substancial slope which ends with a bad drainage system at the base. This house is in total disrepair, and though I like salvage projects, the bad drainage and steep slope make me think it is not worth saving. (These houses are equa-distant from one another with a circular path in front of them).

The next house, which is also pitched against a steep slope, looks a little better cared for, but I don't think it is a house I want to live in all the time. The house is grown up and dusty from neglect, but it is brick and does have a bit of a yard. The third house is much larger, like an estate, with big oaks and looks ready to move into- just needs a loving hand. I pull my car around the drive slowly, and am concerned. I'm just not sure any of these houses are meant for me, even though the largest house looks inviting enough. I leave the dream wondering what I should do. It seems like such a good deal - but there will be great sacrifice and work involved.

These three houses perhaps chronicle some of the choices you have made in your past and may also indicate what you want for your future. In your youth, you would take risks and consider that first house as something that would be fun to rehab. In more recent years, your challenges have been to clean up after the messes that others may have made before you. But now you want to find something that is sturdy and solid as well as providing abundance. You are still willing to labor but you want a good return for your investment.

So this dream provides hope for a less difficult and rewarding future. I hope it comes true.

I was talking to JeWitch's cousin the other day at the Laundromat. She is SO MUCH LIKE JEWITCH. I asked her how her husband was doing .. I remembered JeWitch saying that he was not a very healthy man. She said .. Oh him ...... he went out to the garden to dig up some cabbage for dinner one night and had a heart attack and dropped dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

I felt so stupid for asking about him .. I should have known something was wrong cause we talked a long time and she never mentioned him. But then, she didn't seem like she was upset or anything .. Not knowing what the right thing is to say when someone just told you their husband was "dead" I asked, "So what did you do ?"

You don't suppose that the hole that he was digging up was big enough to fit a corpse in?

I am currently taking Celexa 40 mg b.i.d. for depression and it works very well for my depression, but I have constant fatigue. I work full time at home and have three young girls, and I know this contributes, but I am always tired no matter how much I sleep. I am also overweight and know I need to exercise, but because of my fatigue it is hard to find the energy.

I have had my thyroid tested and all the other blood work for fatigue, but this was all normal. The only time I have not been fatigued is when I have taken diet pills, i.e. Phentermine and coffee, this also seems to help augment the Celexa. I have taken diet pills for so long that even they, as well as a pot of coffee a day, do not seem to combat this constant fatigue anymore. It is like my head is tired, not my body, and I have no aches or pains. I saw a psychiatrist about a year or so ago who told me that there were medications coming out that just worked on Norepinephrine or maybe dopamine (not sure). Is there a medication that I can take that will work with the Celexa to help combat this constant fatigue? Thank you.

I am not a medical doctor and I would not want to advise you on medications that can reduce fatigue or help you lose weight. My advice to you though, is to see a nutritionist that can help you to eat healthier, lose weight and increase your energy. Exercise can consist of walking, doing house work or even playing with your kids. I know that having the discipline to eat the right foods and keep active is difficult when you suffer from depression. I would caution you that new medications or other quick fixes may just perpetuate dependency. Phentermine did not turn out to be the "miracle drug" that you thought it would be. Caffeine may be a stimulant but has other adverse affects over time.

You might also consider a support group or programs like Weight Watchers. A sensible long term approach to a long term problem is always better than a quick fix WY. Even if you have tried and failed in the past, as long as you keep trying you are still in the battle. Don't give up. Let me know what you think.

Let's do the Macarena together. Then what would those smug people think? They would be jealous as hell that two people lost in a sea of humanity and forsaken by their hopes and dreams could escape their boredom, unlock their minds and their car doors..... and for just a moment in time, turn away from the security of life and act like total idiots. Then they would check to see that their car doors were locked. I know I would.

I just have a quick question; do you think I have a right to be upset that my ex is now dating my now ex best friend? My best friend and I used to have a code dating back to almost elementary school that we would never date someone the other person liked, or loved. Now I feel hurt, betrayed and used. Help!

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, so you have the right to feel upset that your ex is dating your now ex- best friend. My question to you is, "How do you get over it so you don't live your life as a victim?" Sometimes friends and loved ones don't live up to our expectations. As painful and disappointing as that may be, we have to find a way to move on without the bitterness and cynicism. Since you already broke up with your boyfriend and are estranged from your former best friend, it's time to meet knew friends and develop new relationships with people. Just remember though, none of these new people will always do the right things, but then again, neither will you.

I forgot to mention in previous letters that I have sat down and talked to my boyfriend way back when about why he never comes to my defense. See, he's from the South, I'm from the North. He was raised where speaking up for yourself even if it is against your parents is WRONG. I was raised that if speaking up gets things done then SO BE IT. Now my boyfriend has told me that he would speak up against his mom, but she'll think she's right about it. She'll see her side and nobody else's. Basically she'll see the situation and defend herself to call herself the "better person" in the situation. For example: I talked to her about how she shouldn't give me all the responsibility of her daycare while she sleeps all day or plays on her computer. She said she understood but the problem hasn't changed.

My boyfriend has also told me why he won't speak up his against his dad. Because chances are his dad will smack him. Things are great with me and my boyfriend. I just wish that his family would quit taking advantage of me. Once my boyfriend graduates, we are moving back up North with my family until we get our own place. We are both looking forward to it and we have both discussed marriage in the future.

My questions to you are: Am I wrong to think that because I do everything I can to help people (in this case his family) and think that they should help me back? Is that selfish? Is it wrong for me to speak up, even though it's wrong in the eyes of my boyfriends family?

One more question: Is it wrong to basically tell his mom that she either helps or I'm done with? (keep in mind I would get another job outside of the home)

You aren't wrong to think that you boyfriend's family should help you back, but as long as you live under their roof they can always say, "It's my way or the highway." You have right on your side, but they have the power. Will you boyfriend's mom allow you to live under her roof and not help with her childcare business? Are you prepared to accept the consequences if she doesn't?

While the Southern culture may differ from other parts of the country K, dysfunctional is dysfunctional everywhere. Your boyfriend's fearing of being smacked by his father at his age is unhealthy to say the least. I only hope your relationship survives until you and he are able to get out of the house. Good luck and hang in there K.

Postings from March 16-31, 2000