Postings from March 1-15, 2000

Date: March 15, 2000  

Dear Happy,

I feel stuck and don't know how to help myself. I feel isolated and lonely on the one hand, but do not want to answer the phone or even email messages on the other hand. It's like everyone is a pain or bother, and yet I'm really lonely and would like companionship. Or, would I? I do, but I don't, or I don't know how. For some reason I'm just not motivated to go out and meet people or socialize. I force myself to go out to a potluck dinner or party occasionally, and suppose I have an OK time. I usually feel pretty uncomfortable. Even old friends from college feel like a bother to me. 

I've always been shy or solitary (partly just personality, but also family history stuff), but at least I used to have a few close girlfriends to talk to. Now (10 years after moving to a new city, then getting divorced, and staying in the city to co-parent/raise our son) I don't even have that. Years ago I tried singles groups, but started to feel very unmotivated and disinterested. I rather stay home and be by myself. And just be alone.???? I don't want to be alone so much, but I don't particularly want to deal with other people even when the opportunity arises....HELP! 

STUCK IN A LONELY HOLE

Dear STUCK IN A LONELY HOLE,

While your personality may be on the shy side, its sounds to me like you are also suffering from depression and/or anxiety. Depression robs people of energy, enthusiasm and worst of all; hope. I would urge you to see a psychiatrist and get the help you need to overcome this depression. Despite your being divorced and a single parent, you are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. A lonely hole is a terrible place to spend the rest of your life. Your don't have to be there. If you need a referral to see a psychiatrist, speak to your family doctor. Do it today. The hole will only get deeper as time goes on. Let me know how you make out.

happy(can throw a rope in the hole but can't make you climb out)shrink

Dear Janelle,

All I know is that the person who invented this word (and it is legitimate), was a sadist. You are not going find a lot of clinical research on this obscure phobia. You might want to address the issue of phobias in general and their root causes. You will find loads of information on that. Please excuse me; I'm having cold sweats and breaking out into a rash just looking at that word.

happy(moreafraidofactionsthanwords)shrink

Date: March 14, 2000  

Dear Happyshrink,

I'm in dire need of someone's opinion about what is happening to me right now. I've followed your site for quite a while now and hope you can offer some insight. I am a 40-ish female with bi-fem tendencies. I have a family complete with husband and 3 teens. I was happy and contented for years without disruption until 3 months ago when I became attracted and attached to a female 15 years my junior in the work place. We are close friends and she has no idea how strong my feelings are for her. I am exhilarated one day and depressed as hell the next out of frustration.

She knows about me being bi-fem and doesn't judge me. She claims to be straight but she flirts like crazy. I feel I'm coming apart at the seams sometimes. I can't leave my job because I own the shop - she's my employee. I know this is adolescent but I cant seem to stop it.

Help me,

Confused

Dear Confused,

The diagnosis, although not listed in the DSM-IV is an easy one. You are going through a "mid-life crisis." After years of marriage and motherhood you are looking for something to bring back the excitement and passion in your life. You know they used to think that only guys go through this. Perhaps the growing equality among the sexes has contributed to more women going through this sort of thing. The fact that your love interest is a young women makes it even more "risky" and exciting. As far as this young woman's flirting is concerned, that is something many young women do in the work place. It could mean something, but it can also be quite innocent.

So what do you do about this Confused? I think you need to see a counselor or psychotherapist to work out these feelings. Before you jeopardize your marriage and family life, talk to a therapist and get some insight as to what is going on inside of you. There are no wrong feelings, but actions can have both positive and negative consequences. Look before you leap Confused. Please feel free to write me again.

happy(knowsitshardtolookbeforeyouleap)shrink   

Date: March 13, 2000  

Dear Happy,

It's "K" again. Things have been good with me, but lately there is one situation that has been really making me angry: Ya see, about 2 months ago we bought this vehicle from my boyfriend's brother in law. When we got the vehicle, my boyfriends brother in law told us that he'd help us get it registered and tagged and stuff. Well he hasn't bothered to help since. So basically I am paying on this vehicle that isn't even in my name yet. That's not so much the problem. The problem is, it's been making me so angry. I feel like I do everything I can to help people and nobody wants to help in return. That may sound selfish, but I thought it would work both ways. I have been irritable and cranky because of my stress at the home daycare here and this situation with our vehicle. I feel like the problem will never be solved. 

Now I looked up on the Internet about anxiety disorders and I have a few of the symptoms. Could I be going through some sort of anxiety attack or something? If so, how would I deal with it? Thanks for listening.

K

Dear K,

I don't know if your symptoms constitute an anxiety disorder, but your situation lends itself to anxiety, anger, frustration and depression. Unfortunately, medication can only deal with the symptoms and not the problem. You have said in previous letters that your relationship with your boyfriend is great, but how great can it be when you have to put up with his family taking advantage of you while he does nothing? Your relationship is an accident waiting to happen K. 

I would not recommend medication when the answer to your problems involve taking control of your life. Work things out with your boyfriend to rid yourself of these family relationships or move on. I know that it is easier said than done, but these problems and your symptoms can get worse. Let me know what you think.

happy(tryingtogetattherootoftheproblem)shrink

Happy,

What makes you laugh?

bf

Dear bf,

Here is a top 10 list of what makes me laugh.

10- Bodily noises

9- Being tickled in certain places

8- Jerry Lewis in a serious conversation

7- The Southpark Show

6- Fun with helium

5- Reverend Al

4- St. Theresa

3- JeWitch

2- Edna

1- Jello Wrestling (With any flavors except lemon or lime)

happy(youshouldhaveaskedmewhatmakesmesmile)shrink

Date: March 12, 2000  

Dear happyshrink, 

I've been suffering from depression for the last 5 years and I'm starting to feel like this will never go away, it seems my problem has gotten worse. I've had over 100 ECT treatments and now I'm dealing with memory loss which causes me to feel more depressed. It doesn't seem like doctors know what is wrong with me, and lately I've been drinking which I know only makes things worse I feel there is no way out. Can you help me?

C

Dear C,

I would suggest you look into a hospital that 1) has a large in-patient and out-patient psychiatric department and 2) that specializes and does research in depression and mood disorders. Depression that is resistant to medication therapy is sometimes treated with Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT) or "Shock Treatment." I don't know your condition but I wonder why you have had so many of these treatments over the past 5 years if they have not helped. Another "hunch" is the presence of an early traumatic event or events in your life and a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 

Get some other opinions on your condition C. If you live in a community where there are fewer resources, you may need to relocate to an urban setting. It may seem drastic, but after 5 years, I would do whatever necessary to get the right kind of treatment. As far as the drinking is concerned, don't you think there have been enough brain cells destroyed over the past 5 years? It's not the answer to your depression and it will only make the problem worse. Please continue to update me on your condition.

happy(tryingtoholdontoeverybraincellthat'sleft)shrink

Date: March 11, 2000  

Dear Happy,

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I think that your relationship with Edna and all your ex-husbands have left you at that state of "cosmic consciousness." Now it's the rest of the world's job to catch up.

happy(laggingwaybehind)shrink

Date: March 10, 2000  

Dear Happy; 

I don't know if you'll be able to give me some type of input that will help anyway here are some fact I am 44years old, have 2 grown children. I was diagnosed with manic depression approx 8 yrs ago and was in hospital for 2 weeks to get me back down to planet earth and stabilized on 1200mg of lithium/day. I Left my husband of almost 20 yrs, was in a semi manic state at the time but I was fed up with his dark moods and controlling ways. I wished very deeply that we could've sorted things out but he was too unwilling to look at what ghosts were driving him, living environment was not conducive to a sharing partnership.

Very shortly after I got settled into my new place a coworker was sent to work at my site whom I had known previously as someone pleasant to work with. He went for me!! Gave me a long luscious kiss when no one else was around it caught me so by surprise especially when it was accompanied by a heavy duty passionate embrace. I DID NOT want to get involved with a married man and ran from it as far as I could, he kept pressing that it would be only for the moment, he wanted some time out from a sexually frigid commitment and I was a woman who was used to getting 'it' on a on demand basis... Soooo I was stupid and broke down and went with the flow or should I say got swept up in a flood of passion and torrid romance. I experienced a lot of highs and lows and some real strange events as well.

We've gone to Greece 3 times I've have been introduced and accepted by most of the clan there, even though this man remains tied in his official capacity has respectable husband/father in Canada....We have had some wonderful times traveling the Greek islands and I love it there. He sees me daily and spends a lot of times with me and has even been able to finagle work time at my site again; this leaves me very little time to my self. This guy monitors my every move except for the middle of the night hours when he takes off to go sleep in his own bed...Trust me I have seen his wife and am in no way threatened that he desires her as a wife----now as a nice comfy Mommy to go home to after we are done a day of play then yes very much so.

I have fought with him vigorously, continuously, and with no holds barred to get away from me and let me get on with my life if he is wanting to keep things as they are, because it is not fair to either of us women that he plays both of us for whatever reasons. His wife is very aware of the presence of another 'wife/concubine' on the scene, but keeps it low key since she is unable to make a living for herself, she knows where her income is coming from and just runs the household the best way she knows how. I know that talking to her is not the solution... I don't think that involving the police with a restraining order would work because I would let him back in. 

I know that I entertain fantasies of being with him fulltime and setting up part time housekeeping on the Greek island where he was born....If nothing ever worked out I would have to pursue my Greek fantasy alone because the land is in my blood after 3 times there. You may go there to visit but you leave a part of your soul there that you only get to see when you return to that haunted vista....What a fantastic place and the people despite my language difficulties were fantastic...beautiful deep aqua blue waters that you can immerse yourself in and like baptize away all the bad stuff and you come out of a Greek experience enlightened with an inexplicable bond that flows thru your bloodstream and relentlessly calls you back to something that existed before your physical appearance on this earth.

Anyway I love this guy despite the fact that he has had to learn that I MUST have some down time in order for recharging my headspace... I am a spring and fall cycler on the bipolar list with smaller dabblings into the manic world during the year.... I am medically very compliant...Have had some near hospitalizations a couple of times and was medicated at the emergency psych dept and sent home to the care of my kids and my lover who is a very good caregiver. I just switched meds from the lithium I had gained so much water retention that it was pressing on my heart lung and respiratory system. The extra weight made it so that I weighed 220 on a 5'6' frame and It was killing me, dieting would not work. So finally I refused to take the Lithium and insisted on a anti-manic agent with no weight gain side effect. I have Lost 25 pounds effortlessly and have been placed on Neurontin. It seems to be doing it's job...I realize that my relational situation is way out whack for someone with a psychiatric disability and only adds to my emotional load. Any suggestions. 

Thanks, Happy for any insight

AK

Dear AK,

You make it sound like the power to not see this guy anymore rests with him and his ability to keep away from you. It doesn't. It rests with you. I know you are still caught up in the infatuation of a passionate romance, not only with this guy, but with the Greek Isles(you even gave me goose bumps from your description). When do you start to resent the limitations of this relationship to the point that it affects your mental state? Stress and anger can impact on your condition, and with the removal of lithium as a treatment, it makes you even more vulnerable.

From your letter, it doesn't sound like you are anywhere close to getting out of this relationship. You have issues with it being "wrong" from a moral perspective, but you have rationalizes those issues to the point where it doesn't stop you from continuing the affair. I can only tell you that I have heard stories like yours more than a hundred times before and no one ever lives "happily ever after." 

Urging you to stop seeing this guy (even with the  police and a restraining order) will probably fall on deaf ears. If you can't summon up the strength to do that, I would urge you to see a psychotherapist who you can talk to on a regular basis and who can be there for you when things start to fall apart (It will you know). You are welcome to write me again for support and update me on your situation AK, but this is not therapy and can not give you the insight and support you need on a more regular basis. Please get that from a good (eyeball to eyeball) therapist.

happy(eyeballtoInternet)shrink 

Happy,

It's pretty discouraging to know that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, but if the hand-basket was being carried by a little girl with a pink ribbon in her curly blonde hair, then that would be kinda cute.

JeWitch 

I guess there's two ways to deal with the fear of hell. For most people, it is being as good as you can so you will go to heaven. In your case, it's making hell not sound so bad.

happy(wouldgotohellandbackwithJeWitch)shrink

Date: March 9, 2000  

Hello Happy

I sort of got into a situation at school where I ended up seeing the school psychologist. (I saw a guidance counselor about changing a class and ended up crying because I was so nervous about talking, the counselor though it a good idea to talk to a psychologist) Anyways, I was totally unprepared when I got called to see the psychologist because I did not know I was going to that day. I was sooo anxious, ahhhh! I acted really crazy, I fidgeted a LOT and never made eye contact...she must think I'm nuts!! I didn't talk much at all and it was totally a waste of time! I lied about most things or I just couldn't think straight. 

Well, now I have another appointment with her at the end of Mar. The problem I face is this: I guess I do want to get a lot off my chest... especially my suicidal thoughts (no one I think suspects this, not even her), but she had mentioned that she would break confidentiality if she suspected I would harm myself or others. I don't want to harm myself, I just think about suicide a lot...harmless thoughts... though a little troubling. Now I really don't want my parents to know that I even went to a psychologist and certainly not people I know at school. Will she have to tell others if I tell her about my thoughts? If she does who does she have to tell?

Mary

Dear Mary,

If you are under 18 years of age, the psychologist is obligated to speak to your parents if she feels that your best interests are involved. It may be embarrassing to you, but I urge you share your feelings despite this. 

The psychologist didn't think you were nuts Mary. She probably thought that you were very scared and nervous. Most teenagers are when they see a psychologist for the first time. I don't think you are nuts either and I have known you for a while. You are a bright sensitive young girl who has written me very interesting letters and who is also feeling anxious and depressed. It is preventing you from enjoying what could be the best time in your life. Telling the psychologist how you are really feeling will help you to get the help you need. As far as what others may think, the smart ones will admire your courage. Your parents will probably be a lot more understanding and supportive than you think.

Please let me know what you plan on doing Mary and how the next meeting with the psychologist goes. Let me know if there is any way I can help you. Adolescence is a terrible thing to waste.

happy(doesn'twantmarytowasteasingleminute)shrink

Date: March 8, 2000  

Dear Shez,

The fact is, nobody does it on their own. Everybody needs help. Sometimes it's financial help and other times it's emotional help. There is nobody (including moi) that doesn't need help. As I said to Bee_Balm yesterday, keep "plugin" (that's US slang for trying hard). You are doing a lot of good things with your life make sure you always remind yourself of that. One good thing you did was using the word "duvet." I looked it up in my dictionary and found out that it's a quilt or blanket. So you helped me learn something today. That already makes it an above average day! Keep ranting Shez and I'll keep listening.

happy(gettingouthiscrosswordpuzzlebook)shrink 

Jen responds to TDO's letter.....

Hi Happy,

I want to put in "my two cents" about the brother who is responding to his father's PSTD illness by claiming that all the father needs is to "be saved" and it will cure all his problems. This is a letter from a person who is SAVED, believes that Jesus is the answer to everything AND who ALSO suffers from panic disorder. I have found from dealing with the people in my previous church, that no one wants to hear about is a "mental disorder". It is OK to have a physical ailment but mention a Mental Illness (even to request prayer) and you would think your brain has been disconnected from the body somehow and that this illness resides not in "the body" but somehow it resides in "the spirit" and is a contaminant which might crawl out on to other people. The last I heard, the brain was organic in nature and does not float above the body in a disembodied state like a helium balloon, but is encased somewhere below the skull and above the spinal cord!

As a Christian, I believed that Love and Help would flow from my fellow believers, like milk and honey. But alas, I discovered that Christians are people too and mental disorders are not seen as mental disorders but as disorders of the heart. The saddest part of everything for me was to realize that the very people I needed the most walked away from me when I was at my most vulnerable. However....there were the few and the precious who did understand what I was going through (like youse guys) and who did stand by me.

These people and my God are who I have held on to when I thought I couldn't possibly go to work today or walk into a restaurant or stay in a Grocery Store long enough to do my shopping for the week. You can bet your boots my Faith pulled me through my darkest hour but I also know that regular old compassionate LOVE from real-life people helped to paint in peace in those places where my mental illness had ripped holes in me.

Tell the brother this: God created us, each portion of us. Any portion of a complete person, the Body, The Mind or Soul or Spirit may be subject to a weakness. Any portion may have a thorn in the flesh, and there are Biblical examples of God removing the thorn and also examples (most notably Paul and Moses) where God did not remove the thorn. In any case, you never win any friends through condemnation, only through Love. If you want the world to believe you have something worth having - you would do better to be a "little Jesus" than an "little Pharasee". As a Christian who HAS a mental disorder I say show me LOVE anyday! That IS what Jesus would do!

Thanks Happy!

Jen

Dear Jen,

Your words ring very true as always. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. I am not a Christian and I don't want to comment on theology, but I do want to comment on what I have learned about Christians over the years I have known some of them.

They are not all saints

They are not all sinners

They are not all conservatives

They are not all liberals

They are not all pro choice

They are not all pro life

They are not all pro gay

They are not all anti gay

Some have a good sense of humor

Some don't

Some are tolerant

Some aren't

Some are loving

Some are hateful

Some are generous

Some are selfish

Some are compassionate

Some are unfeeling

Some are open minded

Some are close minded

Come to think of it, I have just described Jews, Moslems, Buddhists, Hindus and just about every other group of people. So I will leave you and TDO with this bonus thought of the day.

"There is nothing uniquely special about believing in GOD.... what is makes it special is believing in GOOD."

--happyshrink

happy(evenatheistscanbelieveinGOOD)shrink

Date: March 7, 2000  

Dear TDO,

Your brother has a right to his faith as well as his opinion as long as his actions are not harmful to your father. If he is urging your father to stop taking his medication or refuse medical treatment, that is harmful and you should take whatever action necessary to stop this kind of intervention. If you brother is suggesting that your father pray and be "saved" by the Almighty, that isn't necessarily harmful and may even give your father some comfort and peace of mind. As you yourself have stated earlier, your father has had a tough life. It is not unusual for people who are nearing the end of their lives to become more religious and look for salvation as the ultimate resolution of their inner conflicts. I see no harm and the possibility of some benefit if your father uses faith and prayer as a way of coping.

If your father is annoyed or upset by your brothers urgings, I have a feeling he will let his son know about it. Unless you see real conflict and upheaval as a result of your brothers actions, I would leave it alone. Faith is a strong medicine TDO. Whether you see it's results coming from God or the human psyche, one can only marvel at it's healing powers. Please let me know if this advice hits the mark or I am missing something.

happy(lookingatthetreesintheforest)shrink

Bee_Balm writes after last weeks group:

Dear happy,

I think I know what JeWitch meant. There just isn't any way to write some things down. I feel ?? and maybe a little !!! . Is it better to define how you feel or just ignore it and go on with your life? and have faith that it will eventually get better. It seems like defining it makes it worse. How do you know that you don't create the problem by trying to define feelings(Ya know what I mean?), attributing feelings to something that isn't really the cause. It seems like it would be better to keep pluggin' until you find something that makes you happy, but then you run the risk of wasting your life("my life will start when..."). I think that life is a precious gift, I don't want to waste it.

Bee_Balm

Dear Bee_Balm,

Look at all you have done this year. You have gotten a terrific job in your field of study; you are learning new things every day; you have moved out into your own place; you have become more independent and assertive! OK so things aren't perfect. You could be more organized. You could still be more social with people. You still have a lot of growing up to do as do most 23 year olds. I like to look at your glass as three quarters full rather than one quarter empty!

So keep pluggin' and I'll be cheering from the sidelines.

happy(1-2-3-4-...WHO- ARE- WE- FOR?  "B"E"E"_"B"A"L"M")shrink

Happyshrink,

I used to think you could jump off the roof with a bunch of garbage bags and they would open up like a parachute, but I never really tried it. I think you should. Doesn't it sound like fun?

Edna

Dear Edna,

The roof of your trailer is a hell of a lot closer to the ground than the roof of my apartment building. So...... do you think I should get those Hefty lawn bags that are extra tough and 3 mils thick?

happy(JumpingofftheInternetandlandingonreality)shrink

Date: March 6, 2000  

Dear HappyShrink, 

I am a 21 year old female in my third year of college. I've been feeling really low lately and have even been thinking of suicide. I'm afraid I may be depressed but I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because they won't believe me or will think I am only looking for attention. I don't really think my life is that bad but yet I can't help feeling this way. I hate myself every time I look in a mirror I want to cry. I feel too embarrassed to even talk to my family doctor about this. What do you suggest I do because I can't afford to seek professional help.

lv

Dear lv,

Depression is an affliction that will at one time or another affect more than 25% of the population. There is nothing to be ashamed of and I would bet a lot of your friends may be suffering from the same thing. College is an experience that can lend itself to depression. I would urge you to get up the courage to speak with a member of your family, a clergyperson or your family physician. Another option might be to speak with a school counselor. Your college's Student Services Department should have counselors who can discreetly help you. Don't let this get the best of you lv. If left untreated, depression can get worse. You have you whole life ahead of you and you don't have to live it feeling helpless and hopeless. Please write me again if you need to.

happy(depressionistreatable)shrink

Dear Happy,

I thought you might enjoy the letter I wrote for Edna to the IRS. It is getting CLOSE TO THAT TIME you know.

JeWitch

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1999 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Lulu, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Lulu has a boyfriend. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged father and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Rusty is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Rusty home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Lucy Gail is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious vocabulary she uses of valley girls /boys-in-the-hood /reggae /yuppie /political double-speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. 

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Lulu's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Lucy Gail becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Rusty in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on a new car.

Yours truly,

Edna Hoffenstetter

Dear  Edna,

Please reconsider giving your kids up to be raised by the US Government. Other parents have been in circumstances where their jobs had force them to entrust the US Government to raise their kids. Do you really want your kids to turn out like George Bush Jr. and Al Gore? I didn't think so. 

happy(SellingoffhisUSSavingsBonds)shrink

Date: March 5, 2000  

Dear cc,

Manic depression (bipolar disorder) is a very debilitating mental illness with varying degrees of symptom relief through medication. It sounds like you mother's "baseline" (that is the point where she is at her optimum level of functioning) still leaves her disabled and difficult to deal with. My guess is that her abuse as a child has left her with a personality disorder in addition to the Manic depression. Given the past 10 years of deterioration, her prognosis is guarded at best.

That's pretty much all I can say about your mother cc, but more important I need to talk about you. It's time you focused your life around you. All your efforts to rescue your mother will not only fail, but make you feel victimized and angry. Your feeling that the mother you know as a teenager has died is understandable. In some way she has died. What makes it so tough is that her "ghost" is still around. Guilt and anger then consume your grief. It's a vicious cycle and one that you need to free yourself from.

Perhaps you can find a support group for families of individuals with mental illness. You might want to look into your local chapter of NAMI, The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (Click here) and/or check out Pendulum Resources' Bipolar Disorders Portal (Click here).

Beside that cc, I will leave you with the following thoughts to ponder:

* Sometimes less is more.

* If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?

* There are no wrong feelings; only wrong actions.

* Letting go is not giving up.

* Please feel free to write me again.

happy(notlettinggoorgivingup)shrink

Dear Happy,

Once, my childhood friend, whom I care for a lot, had a golden future ahead of her. When she finished college, companies were standing in line to offer her a job, and she had the best resume ever. She was so full of life and energy, I was always a little jealous of her. However, shortly after she started her first job, she began to suffer from depression and anxiety. This was twelve years ago, and basically she hasn't been able to hold a job since. She has had several relationships, but they never lasted. Over the years she has also lost most of her friends, and she hardly has any contact with her family anymore, because she blames them for her problems, even though she admits they never abused her in any way.

Her parents are worried sick because of her, and they just can't understand what they've done wrong. I have always kept in touch with my friend, but over the last couple of years I've come to dread my visits. My friend always thinks I'm criticizing her, and if I don't tell her what she wants to hear, she gets angry and upset, and threatens to throw me out of the house. Every time I visit her she seems more ill than the last time, and the last time I saw her she said things I thought were really "crazy" - something I'd never thought before. Now she's written me a letter saying she's had a major breakdown (I'm not sure what the official diagnosis was, though) . She receives full time treatment during the day in a hospital, but is allowed to go home at night.

Happy, I don't know what to do. I'm practically the only friend she has left, and we've known each other since we were kids. Visiting her has become very upsetting to me, and my friends and family want me to stop seeing her. You see, I suffer from depression too, and they're afraid these visits are bad for MY health. I don't want to let my friend down, but every time I visit her I am just terrified this might happen to me too.

M.

Dear M,

Whether or not you continue to see your friend should be your decision and not your friends and family's. I can give you my own thoughts on the matter but let me first make it clear that it's your decision and no one else's. 

There is nothing good about mental illness but at least it's not contagious. While your friend's condition may be upsetting to you, there is little chance that it can harm you as long as you set limits on how often you speak to her and/or see her. You should also set boundaries on your helping her as well.  As far as what you can do for her, you can be supportive of her getting help. Don't get into debates on why she is the way she is. Just support her getting professional help. Be a caring person in her life M. It doesn't take all that much time and in some ways it may even be helpful to your own empowerment. Let me know what you think.

happy(takingjustalittletimetoempowerothers)shrink

Date: March 4, 2000  

Dear Mr. Happy:

I was wondering if you could help me. I'm doing a science project on memory. My topic is "Is memory effected by your gender." I really don't know where to go from there. My teacher says (I'm in high school by the way) that I need a contact so I was surfing the net when I found your site. Most of the other places I've been didn't offer much help. I basically need some info on the subject, say maybe any other tests that have been done on this topic (or anything close to it). Or maybe just you opinion on the question at hand. Please anything you have to offer would help. Also I'm not sure how to test this. Should I give people a picture, ask them to study it for a minute, take it away, and then ask them questions about it? I would record their answers and their gender then tally up the correct answers. Does that sound good? I don't know of any other way to do it. Well, if you have any advice or info.

Thank you so much

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

There is a lot of stuff on the Internet on memory, but I too found it difficult to find articles relating memory to gender. You might need to get to a good library with a psychology reference section.

When researchers analyze memory, they break it down into two distinct types. Long term memory and short term memory. Long term memory refers to things that you remember about your past. Many experiential  things can effect long term memory. We may repress unpleasant or traumatic memories. We may also distort our recollections as well, especially if the memory was back when we were very young.

Short term memory is our ability to remember recent information given to us, process it accurately and recall it within a short period of time. This "cognitive" skill is the one that your experiment may show differences with regard to gender. You have to be careful that the picture is not biased to one gender or the other. For instance, the details of a picture of a football stadium might be easier for boys to remember. The the details of a picture of a Jr. Miss section of a department store may easier for girls to remember. While the example I gave was extremely biased, other pictures may have more subtle ones.

Rather than a picture, you might consider a sequence of numbers, letters, colors, shapes, etc. Please let me know how your project turns out. Good luck Jenny.

happy(whatwasIsaying?.....)shrink

Date: March 3, 2000  

Dear Happyshrink,

I am a sophomore in high school and for a biology research paper I decided to do a project on the relationship between a religious life (believing in God, etc.) and a high level of wellness. To do this I created a 20 question survey with 10 general yes/no questions about quality of life, and 10 about religious life. I have administered this survey to 50 high school students and am now compiling my results. A requirement of my project is to contact someone in my field of study for advice and recommendations. I would appreciate it if you could please give me any kind of information or opinions about this subject to help me with this project.

Thank you!

GG

Dear GG,

Your research is very interesting and I would really appreciate it if you could send me your results and conclusions as well as the list of questions you asked. Keep in mind that high school students are at a very turbulent and changing time in their lives. For them as well as other age groups, there are many factors that can contribute to a high or low level of wellness. These factors in research are called confounding variables. While it may be a pain in the neck to do this, I believe that your research would be enriched and give you much more information if you asked the following demographic questions to each subject:

1- Are your parents married or divorced?

2- Are you male or female?

3- Are you currently in a relationship?

4- What is you approximate grade-point average. A, B, C, D, F

5- Do you, or have you every suffered from a serious illness/disability.

6- Have you ever been treated for depression, anxiety or other psychological condition?

7- How many "close" friends would you say you have?  0, 1, 2, 3+.

8- Would you consider your family financial situation, Wealthy, Good,

Average, Struggling a bit, impoverished.

By having this information, you can compare groups of subjects with similar demographics and your results will be more compelling. Please let me know what you think. Good luck. It's a very interesting project.

happy(andhopeyougetanA)shrink 

Dear Happyshrink,

Do you think that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems?

Wind(glancingoverattheM&Ms)NWillows

Dear Wind,

Yes, just about all the time.

happy(sanerwithaSnickers)shrink

Dear JeWitch,

I have no idea either.

happy(andnotsmarterthanEdna)shrink

Date: March 2, 2000  

Dear Happyshrink, 

I am in a tornado!  I have a daughter who has kept control of everything.  My husband and she have kept the household ( and my life) in turmoil for 5 yr.. now.  He has filed for divorce 3 times leaving us to scramble for housing etc. Everytime anyone disagrees with him and she's taken advantage of  the situation to escape any discipline.  Financially it's a nightmare-between her wrecking cars and disliking where we could afford to live-I'm a wreck.  I feel like running away and let them eat each other up.  He and  I have been separated since October  and I have needed him for financial support at times so he has delayed the divorce until March (he's playing with divorce, he wants me back, but there's nothing but games to go back to.)  

She has full time work and has informed all her friends that she is paying for everything and wants me to move out, stole the title to my car and forged my name and registered it (I let her drive mine -it was more reliable)  so effectively she stole my car.  She's stolen the keys from my key ring and called the police, who informed me that since it's now registered to her, I can't stop her from taking it.  I avoid her because I want to pummel her.  I ceased paying rent for our apartment to recover the price of the car and she went to the landlady and had my name removed from the lease.  Upon learning this along with other connivance's,  I did hit her (first time in eighteen years)  whereupon she called the police and had me arrested for assault - I went to court and the judge would not allow me to plead guilty, there is a hearing scheduled Mar. 22.  

Yuck-just writing it down makes me dizzy-it's a soap opera.  And I turn forty next week!  Apparently ( I hear this from my oldest daughter, 21, who is just loving all this turmoil because she gets to be the reporter) she is unable to pay the bills without my assistance ( I gave her opportunity to back up her mouth this last month) She took the keys to my apt. off my keying so I can't get in and it's just as well because I'm very angry at all this conniving.  I say that the best thing at this point would be to get out of Dodge and let her hang herself, she's finding it a lot easier to whine to my sister and friends about the trouble she's caused than paying the bills.  Problem is she thinks all the people she's trashing me with are going to help her and I know that they won't.  She's about to find out that you can always find somebody to listen to trash (and instigate) but the one you just burned down was the only one you could count on.  Guilt manipulation has been her style for quite some time and she's gotten her Master's degree from my husband's little maneuvers also.  

Somebody give me permission to RUN not WALK from these two.  I  feel like she has positioned herself for a real letdown and I don't know if I have the wisdom to let her have it.  Hitting her was WRONG but the things she said to me along with her behavior the last few years just boiled up and I blew-HELP I'm getting thrown around and I want to run-

CC

Dear CC,

You have my permission. Run! Don't walk. Get an attorney that can help you to protect your interest, help you to retrieve your stolen property, and get a divorce with appropriate distribution of assets. Doing anything else is just continuing to be an enabler in this very sick and dysfunctional environment. If you stay in this situation, there will come a point when there will be no one left to blame but yourself.

Getting out of this mess may be easier said than done CC. If you need help, look into support groups or counseling. After 5 years (and probably a lot more) of this, it has impaired you own judgment and sensibilities. Get the help you need to leave and to live a better life. Let me know what happens.

happy(proofthatthereislifeafter40)shrink

Date: March 1, 2000  

Dear Happyshrink,

I am very concerned because my 17 (almost 18) year old step-daughter doesn't like to shower. She is a hockey goalie and also plays softball and doesn't even shower after these games or practices. Her father has tried to talk to her about the situation as sensitively as possible, but to know use. She will lie about showering without blinking an eye. I have five daughters of my own and have never experienced a girl doing something like this. She often doesn't brush her teeth and I think may even sleep in the clothes that she wears to school. She usually gets out of bed no more than 5 minutes before she has to leave for school--goes to the bathroom and walks out of the house.

What causes a child to do this? We are really baffled and don't want to embarrass her or make an issue of it, but are concerned about why she doesn't want to take better care of herself. Any advice or incite would be greatly appreciated!

DV

Dear DV,

This could just be a phase that your step-daughter is going through or this could be a more serious problem. If this behavior has been ongoing for a very long time (since early adolescence or longer) and there are other antisocial symptoms, I would be concerned about it. I would also want to know if her school has made an issue of this behavior. I also wonder if there is any problems or issues in your step-mother - step-daughter relationship. Can this be a message to you to "Leave me the hell alone, I'm not you're child!" ?

I would find out if the school has identified this or any other behaviors as a problem. If they haven't, I would just ignore it. If they too are concerned. Perhaps a guidance counselor can speak to her. If communications are an issue at home, you and your husband can also consider family counseling. If you would like to give me more background info on this, please write me again so I can better assess the situation.

happy(showersdaily)shrink

Dear Happyshrink,

I read DB's letter today and thought it was one of the most courageous things I've ever seen a 14 year old do. I hope DB will read this and know that there are many, many women who have been through this, including me. Only mine was a 26 year old driving instructor and I was 16. And I didn't say anything for exactly the same reasons that you talked about. I did give in to "get it over with." But you don't have to do that, DB. Your writing this letter was an awsome act and I hope that you can find the strength and the courage to tell your mom, your principal, and whoever else it takes to get this man away from you and from other girls. There isn't any reason that you should have to look at him every day. Men like him, DB, they don't care who it is. They see a mark. They use doubt, deceit, and guilt as their weapons to get what they want. When you show them strength, they aren't interested.

Just you getting out and writing the letter says that you have a lot more strength than a lot of people. All your feelings are real and right. They are honest and it's that honesty that will let other adults know that what you say really happened and that they need to take action to make sure it doesn't happen again. And that's how you take care of yourself. You're off to a great start - keep it up. There are a lot of us out here rooting for you.

WindNWillows

Dear Wind,

It's nice for DB to get a letter like this from another courageous woman.

happy(couragecomesinallsizes)shrink

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Dear JeWitch,

Yeah.... I do. 

happy(琠敨䘠潬楲慤倠楲潳祳瑳浥映牯愠)shrink