Letters February 16

I have a problem that I don't want to get any more serious than it may be already. I'm 14 years old and I had a little crush on my 26 year old teacher. I figured it was nothing really important, but it's probably the only thing keeping me from reporting him.

My Spanish teacher is really cool, he has a great way of teaching our class. The activities he puts together for us let us have fun, yet not realize how much we're learning. In all he's just a really fun guy. My best friend and I always have to wait about 20 minutes for our bus to get to the school so we stay in his class after school. About three days ago he sent my friend on an errand. I was really nervous in there with only him but i made sure not to show it. He asked me if I could look for this book in his desk while he was cleaning the white boards. I couldn't find the book so he was on his way to help me. He squatted right next to me and said "no luck?". I turned to say 'no' and he kissed me, not just one of those little pecks either. I jumped up startled, so did he. He said he was sorry and that what he had done was "extremely uncalled for". I'm pretty shy so I just quietly said "it's ok". He made a really long sigh and then said "well I'd better find that dictionary" but as he stared to bend down he kissed me again. I was going to let him this time too just so we could get it over with, even though I knew it was wrong. My friend walked in just as he started to kiss me. She turned directly around to leave. I told my teacher I'd better leave, grabbed mine and her bags and went after her. She asked what the hell was wrong with me. I took a few seconds to think.

I knew what happened wasn't my fault, and that I should report him. I also knew that if my mom ever finds out she'll pull me out of my school, and put my teacher in prison. I don't want my mom to know. I told my friend it was all my fault, and I begged her not to tell. Everyone likes my teacher and we wouldn't want to put his job in jeopardy. I don't stay, and won't ever stay, after school with him again. The thing is I still have to see him in class everyday. Is there a way I can learn to deal with my problem without anyone getting hurt or in trouble?

I would urge you to tell your mother and to speak to the principal of your school as well. You may think this teacher is a very nice guy and a good teacher but he really isn't. If he can try something with you, he can try it with other girls DB. Don 't let him get away with it. He should not be teaching and you can save another person from getting more than just a kiss from him.

Predators (that's what I call any teacher who takes advantage of a student) are able to molest children because their victims are too embarrassed to come forward. He may seem like a great teacher, but he will do this again to someone if you don't stop him.

I know I am asking you to do something very courageous DB. At age 14, it's probably the most courageous thing you have been asked to do. Please do it. If you need help, email me again.

Every year at our annual spring county fair Edna enters the lottery for the brand new truck, and every year she loses. And every year she says she ain't gonna enter again, especially after last year. Last year, when she said she wasn't gonna enter, I says "What kind of attitude is that?" I told her that what she needed was FAITH! I said "Look around you and see if the good Lord sends you a message, Edna."

I seen her after the drawing, just as mad as a HORNET! She said she had walked around, looking for a sign. She didn't seen nothing and just got more sad 'cause Bubba said if she won the truck he'd be able to fill the back with ice and beer and she could finally have some real food in the fridge in the trailer. But she didn't see a single sign or receive any inspiration from God.

Then, while she was passing old Missus Kelleher's pie stand, Edna glanced over and saw her bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to GLOW! Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without Missus Kelleher even knowing it, started drawing on her ass! Edna said that firy finger drew a 7 on each ass cheek!

Well, Edna was so grateful she just about peed her panties! She shouted out "Thank you God!" and ran over to the lottery table and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again Edna was the loser cause the winning number was 707.

The effects of long term pain are varied. Clearly it can affect mood, self esteem and productivity. I found a very interesting web site by the American Pain Society (click here). It may provide more help to you than I can with limited knowledge on the subject. Good luck an let me know if you find any interesting information.

A suggestion for another category in the Tawk amongst yourselves, "Feeling good" subtitled "Quick! write down that good feeling because next week when I feel like crap I can read it and have hope that I'll feel that good feeling again." As you can see I'd never get a job writing subtitles for foreign movies! I have an acquaintance who has a son who is a psychologist. He doesn't practice now though, he just didn't see people getting better. Glad he's not my shrink! Is there a lot of burnout among shrinks?

Yes there is a lot of burnout. It is certainly not a good profession for everybody. It helps to have patience and a good sense of humor. It also helps to have your own webpage so you can make a lot of friends on the Internet.

I will pass on your suggestion to St. Theresa (if she hasn't seen this already) and I am sure she will add it to the list. Thanks for the suggestion. It's a good one.

Bubba, my boyfriend and I went to this bar the other night while we were waiting for Edna to get off her shift at Walmart. The three of us were having a pretty good time and we all agreed that the bar was a nice place. Then I said, "There is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Miami called Bernie's Beer-a-torium. At Bernie's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and then Bernie himself will buy your third drink!"

The guys agree that it sounded like a nice place. Then my boyfriend says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from in Brooklyn, there's a better one. There's this place called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Bubba and I agreed that sounded like a GREAT bar. But then Bubba says, "You think that's great? Where I live, there's this place called Calvin's Dew Drop Inn. At Calvin's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" we said. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No, "but it happened to Edna!" Bubba said.

Ok, I feel really weird about this problem and how I need to go ask help for it and everything. I am a high school student, and I have had this little interest in Scandinavian stuff in general for a little while, nothing big. I've had this crush recently on a girl who I happened to find out has a very strong Norwegian heritage (I really liked her before that though). I like her more than any other girl I've ever seen , she's absolutely gorgeous. She only wants to be friends with me and I can barely even talk to her, I get so nervous around her. Lately I've been getting kind of an infatuation with things Scandinavian (not quite an obsession but pretty strong still), and at times I find myself looking up to Scandinavians, even wishing that I was Scandinavian and thinking that they're kind of superior to other peoples. I don't like this and I know it's not right, that I obviously have some sort of a problem but I'm not sure what to do. I realize that I already had some small, repressed white supremacist views as well which certainly doesn't help anything. I don't really believe those views but they have a way of surfacing from time to time. Please help.

Being infatuated with someone is more common than you think and most of your friends probably have similar feelings even though they may keep it a secret. As far as feelings of prejudice and bigotry, all of us have the capacity for that too. The cure for both of these feelings may in fact be the same BD.

I would make a conscious effort to develop a wide diversity of friends in school. There may be a tendency for young people to hang out in "cliques" but your ability to make friends with different types of people and learn about many different cultures will broaden your view of the world as well as make you feel less isolated. This may not be easy for you DB, and there may be social pressures to stay with your "own" circle of friends. I can only tell you that from my experience, diversity enriches ones life and doesn't demean ones own identity.

If the infatuation and the feelings of white supremacy persist, you may want to speak with a school counselor. Acknowledging that this is a problem is half the battle BD. Don't let it happen. You are better than that. Keep in touch.

I was raised to be very polite. For example, when I accidentally belch in public, I always make certain to say, "Man, now THAT was loud!"

I guess you don't have to say anything when you pass gas in public. People find out fast enough and start heading for shelter.

Thank God you're happy! My former boss and friend has been calling me and hanging up for over a year ever since he told me to get lost (said he'd call and never has, to talk!). He was laid off from his job as QA Manager, had a mild heart attack, and went into deep depression. I found out it was him calling after I blocked his numbers and the calls stopped for a while, so I emailed him asking him why he called like that and that we could be friends again whenever he wanted to. He sent nasty email back and told me never to email again, and has just called more. I reported all of this to the police and the phone company but he uses his cell phone to call so neither one can get a trace on it to issue a warning. My boyfriend works at home and refuses to change our home number and won't listen to me when I try to talk about it except to wonder why I care that this guy calls at all and just ignore the calls. I just quit answering the phone, like I did after I blocked the calls, after he called 12 times in an hour and a half.

While this guy never asked me out or even brought up a closer relationship except being closer friends, he has chased me around and flirted since the first day we met. At first, I thought he wanted to start a fight because he'd stared and made comments about what I ate and followed me around like he was checking on my work, yelled at me once when I couldn't do something for him. I couldn't work for anyone being like that, so I made a joke and told him to kiss a dead moose's butt when he was being particularly overbearing one day. He backed way off and was very considerate and nice after that, acting like we had a romantic relationship sometimes (blowing kisses, asking me to come see him in his office but keep it secret, etc.) His behavior was very confusing, because he never said much of anything about us but sure did act like we had something going and got jealous and interrupted if I talked to other men.

How do I deal with these calls? Does this guy have a mental problem? He's 54, I'm 31. I'm not really scared of him because he acted so scared of me after he got depressed, and repeatedly said he was scared of rejection, but I'm not sure what action, if any, to take besides ignoring him. Thank you.

This guy does sound very disturbed and If your boyfriend doesn't want to change phone numbers, you can always get your own unlisted phone number. Another thing you can do is get caller ID which will force him to identify his cell phone number to connect. That may also stop the calls.

The fact that you emailed him to suggest that the two of you could still be friends is disturbing to me MM. Do you really want to be the friend of an overbearing, rude, obsessed and unstable person? What if he said yes? Would you meet him for lunch or after work? What then?

Your behavior while disturbing is not uncommon. When co-workers or superiors act inappropriately, many people ignore it or just smile and go along with it. Workers have the right to tell someone that they do not like this kind of behavior and they will not tolerate it. If the behavior persists, they should report the person to his/her supervisor. If the company is not responsive, a complaint can be filed with the Department of Labor who will be responsive.

In the future MM, don't let anyone get away with harassment. Ask the police and the phone company for help if you need it. Please let me know how things work out.

I didn't watch the Grammy's last night (but I did pray for Tori, Stt!). I understand Jennifer Lopez wore something that was lime-green and almost not there. Apparently, it was a real fashion faux pas. After I heard about it, my immediate response was that no fashion faux pas made by any woman could ever rival the Speedo.

I am a 26 year old college graduate. I began teaching in the fall of 98. Two months later I had a nervous breakdown and have since been diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I am on my second psychiatrist and have been on several medications. Nothing has worked. The only pill that helps is Klonopin when I have anxiety attacks. Other than that I have only experienced side effects, but no help from the mood stabilizers, antidepressants, or anti-psychotic drugs. I hardly leave the house never mind staying in bed most of the time. I hope you can help.

Bipolar Disorder is one of the toughest conditions to stabilize with medication. It is not unusual for it to take well over a year to find the right combinations of medications that will reduce your symptoms significantly. I am also curious if you have been prescribed a Lithium based (anti-manic) medication. You did not mention that among your list of medications that haven't worked.

I don't have any magic cures Amy, but I would suggest that you look into "hospital clinics" in your area that have special bipolar departments and may also do research. I can appreciate your frustration. After completing college and beginning a new career, having it all come crashing down on you must be devastating. Find out about support groups in your area where you can find people in similar situations to yours. You can sometimes get the best information and ideas through those contacts. Please update me on your progress Amy. Don't give up hope.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an Edna, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She says, "I didn't know blind people can drive. That must be why they put brailed on the ATM machines."

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

Speaking from a "pedestrian" point of view, I'll take my chances with a blind person's driving over Edna's driving any day!

happy(maybeI'lljuststayonthissideofthestreet)shrink

Could you talk about some of the reasons it is believed more women than men seem to suffer from depression. I understand that in some cases women tend to seek help, where as men do not. It would be interesting to see if depression has gotten more severe and also more predominate in our society than in years past. Also, how much of an influence are hormones on depression, and is it possible that although many people blame PMS on women's mood swings, that at some times, the woman may be suffering from depression and not PMS. I would assume that the female species has always dealt with PMS, so how is it in some cultures, women do not seem to have the same adverse reactions to it. Is it possible that our internal chemical and hormonal changes are influenced more by external causes than we think. External causes in this case including food, cultural beliefs on gender worth in society, and demands and expectations of specific genders.

Before I get on my soapbox and talk about depression, I want to make a distinction between clinical depression and being in a sad mood due to situational circumstances or hormonal changes. Everybody is sad at times, and may have all the symptoms of clinical depression. The difference is the length of time you feel this way and the impact on the way you function. Most people snap out of their depression after a few days or even a few hours. This is not the case with clinical depression. OK, now let me hop on the soapbox.

The DSM !V (1994) cites that up to 26% of women and 12 % of men will suffer from at least one episode of clinical depression. Those statistics are higher than past estimates. I believe that it is due to better reporting, less stigma around seeking psychiatric/ psychological help and advances in psychopharmacology. I don't think that women are more depressed than men. I believe women report feeling depressed more and cope with their depression by seeking professional help. I also believe that many alcoholics and substance abusers (if not most) are clinically depressed once you take away the addictions. Men who use alcohol and other drugs to cope with their depression may not be counted as often. That is also true of women who's rate of substance abuse has been growing steadily. In addition to substance abuse, people cope with depression with other self destructive and dangerous behaviors as well.

If you consider all the numbers, its pretty scary. Depression is the number one psychiatric disorder in this country and the numbers have been rising for just about every age, gender, ethnicity and socio-economic category. The demands of society, the huge amounts of information we have to process and the increased number of people we interact with on a daily basis has contributed to this trend. If we don't slow down to smell the roses, there might not be anyone around to plant them.

Look at the company your work for as a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling... The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces...

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I take it the new job is not going very well. Maybe if you stop looking up at the assholes, it won't seem as bad. Also, don't wear any low cut blouses. The view is way too good from the top branches.

happy(onthetopbranchofhisowntree)shrink

I have depression, and I was taking Zoloft for 1 month. I quit the Zoloft and went on Paxil for 1 week, I then quit the Paxil and went back on Zoloft. Ever since then I have been getting this cloudy, foggy feeling in my brain. Sort of feeling like I am "high" all the time. It is hard for me to see things sometimes, and its difficult to read things in school. I have also found that my Short=Term memory has been lost a little bit. I hope that this medication hasn't given me long term damage, I just quit the Zoloft 3 days ago. I need some help, quick!

I am not a psychiatrist and so I can't say that either Zoloft or Paxil should not cause any permanent damage to you. If you have concerns you should speak to your psychiatrist. If you are still suffering from depression, there are other medications that might help and won't give you the side effects of Paxil or Zoloft. I don't know if you received your medication from your family physician or a psychiatrist, but I would urge you to see a psychiatrist for your depression. Yes you do need help TI and you need it quick. Get it from the right person; a psychiatrist.

I was cruising through your site and wondering what this stuff was really all about and before I knew it hours had gone by and I had indeed survived another day. Thanks for a great site and some even greater laughs! I found it much by accident which only proves that some accidents weren't ever intended to be an accident but were more appropriately "meant to be"s

I'm glad that I provided you with a lot of laughs and I hope you continue to survive each day reading "Ask Happyshrink."

Dear Happyshrink,

My problem is my 77 year old father. He suffers from PTSD from WWII and recently is having problems with dementia. He has trouble maintaining relationships (married twice, both left him), has severe anxiety attacks, cannot tolerate groups of people, and has expressed suicidal thoughts throughout his life. He still lives in our hometown but none of us (his children) do. He has always kept his distance from us but now we find ourselves in the situation of having to try to help him.

Last year it became apparent that he could not live where he was, it was becoming too dangerous for him so we researched assisted living situations in our hometowns and in his. We knew that he would become too upset to probably consider moving out of the town where he has lived his entire life (except for the war) but wanted him to have the option. Even moving him in town was problematic. It took us from March until October to get him to agree and then he kept finding reasons why he could not. Finally we drove there and just moved him (I live over 1000 miles away). He liked it after about a month.

We tried contacting the VA where he lives, explained the situation and a PTSD leader went up to visit him (the VA is 90 miles from where he lives). He wants Dad to come to the VA to be evaluated, and is sure he will qualify for treatment, etc. He talks to Dad and he agrees to do this, but as soon as he gets the appointment notification, he calls and cancels the appointment. He has done this three times so far. My sister said she wants to make the appointment, not tell him about it and then get Dad in the car and not let him out until they get to the VA. He needs treatment and this seems to be the best place for him to get it. He knows he has problems, he went to his physician and got a prescription for Xanax. He is not big on the idea of seeing a counselor, as usual for his age group. The problem with this is. of course, I do not think a medication will solve his problem.

A month ago his assisted living apartments had a potluck. He wanted to go, but got nervous just before the event, so took 2 more of his Xanax. He ended up confused and falling down so they called an ambulance and took him to the hospital. The hospital did a bunch of tests on him including a CAT scan and didn't find anything abnormal except for his overdosing on his meds, of course. So what is the best way to deal with him? Is my sister right and we should kidnap him and take him to get evaluated? Do you have a better idea? Any suggestions would be welcome, I am at my wits end. Thank you!

TDO

While I understand your desire to get your father to see a counselor and deal with his lifelong problems, the chances of his using counseling effectively are very slim at best. If he suffers from dementia, his capacity for insight is limited. His resistance to treatment will also prevent him from benefiting from counseling. So even if you "kidnap" him and bring him to the VA, the chances for a successful outcome is slim.

If you are concerned for his safety, you can look into a number of human service programs in his area. The county where he lives may have an agency called "Adult Protective Services." Most commonly, it is a division of the Health Department. They can evaluate him and if he is "at risk" they can take action to move him to a more supportive living setting or provide him with additional in-home services. Given his condition, I would also look into a visiting nurse service. If you can set up a regular visit with a nurse, he may be able to engage her/him. It's not counseling in a conventional sense but he may actually benefit more from this kind of relationship. The nurse can also assess his medical and social needs and refer him to appropriate resources.

Dealing with aging parents is one of the most difficult challenges that we face in our lives. No matter what we do, it never feels like it's good enough. Make sure that you and your siblings are supportive of each other and recognize each other's limitations. Good luck TDO. Update me on the situation.

I hid behind his couch and talked to him, he didn't seem to mind. His office has plants and those little water fall type things, lots of space, lots of places to hide. He was interested in my poetry, short stories and music, and he told me I could write him any time. He said if i ever felt like he wasn't listening or that he was missing the point I should let him know. That was kind of cool. If at anytime he felt that he couldn't help me, he would make sure he sent me to someone who could. He also told me I was complex, and that he hoped he could keep up with me. Is being "complex" a bad thing? I just don't want to screw up with this therapist like I did the last one.

The therapist sounds like a really good guy. If he continues to be interested and supportive, you may even want to come out of hiding. I played "hide'n go seek" with you for a while too when you first started writing me and you know what?.... I found you! As far as your being complex Methos, that's what I like best about you! Keep up the good work.

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit around like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a sly fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Edna

Is this your way of saying that you are hoping to one day become a cashier at Walmart?

So, what do you call it when someone tends to smile spontaneously in the middle of conversations (or not in conversations) and doesn't necessarily know why they are smiling unless it's one of those times that they start thinking to themselves "oh, shit I don't want to start smiling right now" so they do. I call it annoying but that doesn't seem to help.

Involuntary facial expressions can be caused by a neurological condition, a nervous "tic" or can be a way of dealing with anxiety. A few of my therapy clients over the years would laugh when they were anxious. It was often when they said something that was upsetting or profound. It was a way to lighten the moment and reduce the anxiety.

I can't advise you on how to cope with someone who does that. For some people it isn't a problem, while others find it annoying. I guess all of us do something that is annoying to somebody.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day! I tried to focus on some healthy relationships this week so far, and it's been so-so. There is this guy I work with that I really like. He writes me poetry, takes me out, etc....but on V-day, he told me he doesn't want to be with women all that much anymore....but he told me he still finds me attractive, and he kisses me every time he sees me. There is no real sexual relationship going on.....but considering my past relationship track record, should I just let him go and be his friend? I know he is confused about his sexuality, and I can understand that...he's been hurt a lot in the past also.( the reasons I am not going to get into, I think I need to quit taking all of these psych courses in school....I've begun to psycho-analyze everyone's behavior)

It sounds like you have a nice friendship with this guy and I would continue to be his friend. If things change in the future, you can both decide about changing the nature of your relationship. But for now, having a "vertical" relationship with a man might be a good thing for you. With all the stuff that you have been going through, perhaps this relationship will be less stressful and more enriching. You may even become less panicked, Panicked.

Maybe now that K-Mart and Rosie O'Donnell have parted company, you can become the new spokesperson.

I have written to you in the past with questions on my relationship. Well everything is great in that department, but I have a really big problem with the environment that I am in. I have been living with my boyfriend and his parents for a year now. Before I came down, an agreement was made between me and his mother: I can stay here rent free if I ASSIST her with her in home daycare. Everything was fine in the beginning, but the longer I'm here, the longer I am realizing that the agreement never existed.

My job is to assist, which means while she fixes the meals for the kids, I help. While she does activities with the kids, I am there to help. But it's not like that. I fix all the meals by myself, I look after the kids by myself and I do all of the errand running for my boyfriends mom. And while I do all of this, my boyfriends mom is either sleeping or on her computer all day long till she goes to bed. I am soooo tired of having to do it all.

There's no way for me to talk to her about it because as my boyfriend said, she sees it her way and nobody else's. Everyone is wrong but her. I continue to work here because my boyfriends mom doesn't like people going back on their word, but she did and that's why I do EVERYTHING here. I mean she told us she'd pay us for doing the errands and working here, yet she wonders why we ask her for money when she has us go out and run errands. We only ask for the money because she has reduced the amount we were supposed to be getting by 90%.

We tell her she can borrow our vehicle until she gets hers fixed but she says she doesn't drive anyone else's vehicles, yet she drove her daughters the last time her vehicle broke down.

Please tell me how to handle this mentally. I mean it literally stresses me out and to top it off I found out a couple weeks ago that I have had ulcers in the past and my stomach problems act up when I get stressed out. It's really not fair to me, but it doesn't bother my boyfriend because he has always been treated this way. Should I talk to her about it? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!

You can try and talk to your boyfriend's mother about it but the real solution is moving out. Servitude is a high price to pay for room and board. If you got a job and worked the same hours you spend "assisting" your boyfriend's mother, you can have your own place and make your own rules. While you are living under her roof, she can make the rules and as unfair as they may be, there isn't much you can do about this.

You said that your relationship with your boyfriend is great but how long will that continue while he is under his mother's thumb? By living with your boyfriend and his mom, you are jeopardizing your health and eventually it will impact on your relationship with your boyfriend.

I know my solution isn't easy K, but deep down in your heart you know that there isn't an easy way out. Please let me know what you plan to do.

Could you please find a web site that would give the average Intelligence Quotient?

There are a quite a few different IQ tests that are given. Almost all of them use 100 as the average. Most will show a range which is usually 90-110. Many tests give three scores; Verbal, Performance and Full Scale quotients. They measure different aspects of intellect as indicated by their names.

Intelligence quotients show an individual's ability to (1) understand complex ideas, (2) problem solve and (3) perceive the world. It does not measure creativity, persistence, skill, the ability to communicate, judgment, values or motivation. It can not predict success, happiness or competence. Some people think that it is over-rated and over- valued in society.

The airport employee asked her, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" Edna said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

They actually understood each other. Sheesh ...

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

What did you say your IQ was?

happy(justcurious)shrink

I hope you can help me. I have put off dealing with this for a long long time. I have an abnormal gait...lots of anxiety but no other symptoms. Believe me, I'm pretty paranoid, and have researched every type of brain tumor in creation! But, I think it's psychological. I sometimes walk not in a straight line, and often dragging one foot, as if it's a limp. Once in a while others will ask me if I hurt myself, and this only adds to the self-consciousness. I do it while running too -- which is gonna seriously hurt my shins or knees or something, if it keeps up.

My anxiety level is pretty high, especially now that I am long (2 years) out of a serious relationship. I have been pushing people away, and I feel like this walk does much the same thing. (I am 28, thin, average looking). I also clench (tighten) the inner muscles of my feet, clench my fist, and bite my inner lip...yes, I guess it's obvious I am anxious...but I mask it well by being extroverted, a jokester, and seemingly someone with very very high energy.

But, inside I am a self-conscious nervous worried wreck...scared I will never meet anyone again. I know that it was me who pushed the last person (4 year relationship) away by demanding her full attention, demanding to be babied, and being intensely jealous of her friends and family.

Help! I'm sick of the anxiety and what it does to me and to those I get close to.

I'm assuming you have been checked out by physician(s) and it was determined that your irregular gait is neither a congenital defect nor a neurological problem. Anxiety can cause odd or involuntary movements and physical symptoms. If this is what is happening, I would suggest that you see a psychiatrist to be evaluated. There are medications that can reduce anxiety symptoms and that might be considered by the psychiatrist. In addition, you will probably need to see a therapist to deal with your issues of insecurity and low self-esteem.

It is unfortunate that you have put off dealing with this until now but you have to look forward and not backward. The good news is that anxiety is very treatable and you have a lot of your life ahead of you. Let me know how you make out Todd. Good Luck,

I have been doing research on the subject of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy and have found a lot of information. However, everything seems to be quite outdated. I was wondering if you have any updated statistics as far has how many cases have been diagnosed? what percentage of people it affects? what percentage of disorders are found in women? men? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

There is a lot of information and articles that have been published over the past five years. For a good web resource click here. Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy is a condition where a parent or caretaker of a child or adult conspires to make them sick so they can evoke sympathy for themselves or gain recognition for their "selfless" devotion. It is very hard to find accurate statistics for this condition for several reasons.

This condition was thought to be extremely rare. As medical technology has advanced, the ability to detect the actions of perpetrators have increased and it is not as rare as it was once thought to be. It is also suspected that there may be many more cases than currently projected since technology has improved on the other side as well. The only statistic that I have found to be telling is that only 9% of children who are victimized by this condition survive to adulthood.

While a lot of attention is given to children who are victimized (and rightfully so) there is a growing number of cases being discovered of the elderly being victimized by their children and caretakers. Since it is expected that the health of the elderly deteriorate over time, these cases go undetected even more often.

Thanks for you question Renee. If anyone has any other statistics out there I would urge them to send it to me so I can post it.

I think the long awaited day has finally arrived for me at work (well, almost - and don't groan audibly). The axe is getting ready to drop and I think I am under this one. They have been doing "by-pass" operations around me now for over three weeks and the last time I called in to work my boss didn't acknowledge my voice -mail. My best friend at work, whom everyone knows is the best at her job of anyone in her department, is facing the same thing. She overheard the "Management" discussing her weaknesses.

Dear Jen,

I too hope you finally get laid off. If you don't, then I hope you look for another job. This job of yours is starting to sound like an abusive husband. Like a woman who is in that kind of relationship, you have hoped that "the company/spouse" would change and you are still amazed at the "company's/spouse's" inhumanity. It's time to get out and let your wounds heal. Not even unemployment or severance is worth what you are going through. Don't be surprised if they keep you around. Tormenters need someone to torment. You can stop the abuse Jen. Tell them to go f*** themselves!

happy(mightbehavingaPMS moment)shrink

Dear Happy,

Well, if you're so smart, then please answer this very question... What is beyond our Universe? Don't say that, it is endless, because it isn't! So tell me! What is it beyond it? DON'T GET A HEADACHE BECAUSE OF THIS!

Andie

Dear Andie,

Canada.

happy(didn'tgetaheadachebecausehehadonealready)shrink

Since they are going through a divorce, they both had to have an evaluation to determine custody, and in this evaluation there was some concern as to the sexual preference of her husband. This man, my husbands brother, loves to get on the internet and watch teen porn, has pictures of his 5 year old daughter in the bathtub, just recently brushed up and down on his fourteen year old step daughter's chest, claiming of course there was something that needed to be brushed off, and a few years ago was upstairs with a fourteen year old girlfriend of his then fourteen year old step daughter, helping her learn to masturbate. He says she begged him to do it, and what could he do? Now the therapist that they have seen knows about this, the evaluator knows about this, and the lawyers know about this, but no one is listening.

In two weeks there will be a decision on custody of the 5 year old, and my sister-in-law is scared to death that he will be allowed more visitation than he should get. this man is very bold, he told his fourteen year old step daughter yesterday, that when she turns fifteen he will take her out and show her how a real man should treat her, what's that all about? Are we making more of this than is there, or do you agree that this man needs help, and we need help to get someone to listen to us. I suggested that she demand a Psych evaluation for him, but I don't know if she can. We just need to know if there is anything we can do to keep him from being allowed to be with her so much, and especially alone. I know he loves his daughter, but I am more worried about her safety. I don't want her to end up in a therapists office talking about how her father molested her.

This is something that your sister-in-law must speak to her lawyer about. Her lawyer can petition the court to have him psychologically evaluated based on his previous behavior. His helping a 14 year old girl how to masturbate and his assertion that she "begged" him to do it should send up enough red flags for the courts to take a second look. It might be good to do a little research and find out from other family members if he has other skeletons in his closet.

The courts are not perfect and there are no guarantees that they will make the best decision. They are also cognizant that this is a divorce preceding with recriminations on both sides. You sister-in-law may not be able to prevent unsupervised visitation, but she can still protect her 5 year old child. She can teach her that nobody has the right to touch her in places that she doesn't want to be touched. She can tell her that if that ever happens she should let her mommy know about it and never keep it a secret no matter what. Lastly, Your sister-in-law can have her daughter see a therapist now who can detect if anything bad is happening her.

Yall liss'n here. I see so much divorce these days. That is 'cause the ol'ladies here NOT bein the GOOD HOUSEWIFES they wuz back when I was a young ol'lady, an like'a that. Why, look at my daughner Edna. You ever seen an ol'lady go through so many fellas ?? All those children of hers ain't got a father. Are yall wif me? So let me PLEASE give some advice ta all urine young an' NOT SO YOUNG riders. Ya reckon?

Yall liss'n here. Have dinner redy, an like'a that. Plan ahed, even the niyt before, ta have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of lettin him know y'all have been reconin 'bout him an' year cone'strned 'bout his needs. Most fellas year hungry when they come trailer an' the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome indeed.

Prep yourself. Tayk fifteen minutes ta rest so that yunzes'l be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up urine mekk-up, put a ribbon in urine hair an' be fresh lookin. He has just been wif a lot of work-weary folks. Be a li'l gay an' a li'l mow refreshin. His borin day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Are yall wif me? Mekk one last trip through the main part of the trailer just A4 urine husban' arrives, gatherin up the school books, toys, paypuh, etc.. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. urine husban' will feel he has reached a haven of rest an' order an' it will give yall a lift too.

Prepyear the children. Tekk a few minutes ta wash the children's hands an' face, comb their hair, an' if necessary, change their clothes. They yearli'l treasures an' he would like ta seeem playin their part.

Minimize all the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all commotionof the washer, dryer, dishwasher, vacuum. Try ta encourage the children ta be quiet. Be happy ta see him. Greet him wif a warm smile.

Mekk him comfortable. have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom fer a li'l while. Have a cool/warm drink ridy fer him. Arrange his pillow an' offer ta tekk off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothin an' pleasant voice. Allow him ta relax an' unwind.

Listen ta him. yall may have a dozen thins ta tell him, but the moment of his arrival ain't not the time. Let him talk farst, tellin yall 'bout his day, an like'a that.

Mekk the evenin his. ne'er cumplain if he do not tekk yall out ta dinner or out ta other pleasant entertainment. Instid try ta understan' his day of strain an' presso nuf an' his need ta unwin' an' relax.

Some don't's: Don't great him wif problems or cumplaints. Don't cumplain if he is late fer dinner. Are yall wif me? Count this as minor cumpared ta what he miat have gone through that day, an like'a that.

THE GOAL: Try ta mekk urine trailer a place of peace an' order wher urine husban' can relax in body an' spirit.

I always knew where Edna got her good looks. Now I know where she got her brains.

I don't think it's fair of me to "dump" my blizzard on your doorstep and not stay in touch - so I thought I'd "fill you in". I never knew that introspection could be both exhilarating and fulfilling - and I'm not certain I like "finding the pieces of the puzzle". I also found out that the mind is incredible in protecting the heart from hurt. In one of the many conversations I am now having with my previously estranged parents, I found out that w-a-y back when I was 18, my fiancé broke our engagement. It really is upsetting to me that I can't recall that happening in my life. I can only imagine how traumatic that must have been for me at that age. Somehow or another we got back together. I also didn't remember the second incident with my (second) husband with a gun! Had I not found an old diary from 1993 that I only had that one entry in, and seen it in my own handwriting - I would never have recalled it!!! It really frightens me to think about what other things I am recessing into the back of my memory - and why? Is it important that I try to retrieve this type of information? It seems that the broken engagement piece of my jigsaw opened up a virtual "can of worms".

I am starting to see a pattern of poor self esteem that I think may explain why I keep seeking relationships with the type of men I am attracted to: Here goes - please try to see if this makes sense.

(2) My second boyfriend at (17) broke up with me and later married one of my "best friends".

(3) I married at 18, and while I was pregnant at 19, found out that my husband had an affair with my Uncle's wife.

(4) My best friend from high school and her husband and daughter moved in next to us. When I left my husband, he moved in with my best friend after her husband took off with her secretary. (I eventually divorced my first husband but FORGAVE my best friend.

(5) I met and fell in love with the third man in my life when I was 22. He later left me and Married the same best friend that I forgave that had lived with my first husband.

(6) I moved to Maryland and started dating an alcoholic - who eventually stopped seeing me because he had met someone else.

(7) I met and married an alcoholic and stayed in an emotionally and later physically abusive marriage (funny how I have a hard time saying physically abusive because "he never hit me" Does pulling my hair, pushing me across a room, holding me at gunpoint several times, putting the trigger under my breast and then to my head constitute physical abuse??? With all this introspection, I now believe I stayed because I didn't want to be "left again".

(8) When I did leave him, he moved another woman into our home within a couple of months.

(9) And then came "R" - the only man I've been with in the last 4 years - who, although "I called it quits" - basically left me emotionally a long time ago - or maybe was never there emotionally. The fear of being left again???

I think I see a pattern here. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I believe I gave 200% of myself in each of these relationships - only to get 0% back. It's really scary to me to think that my self-esteem has never really existed except in my chosen professions.

Now - don't start jumping and yelling, or kicking my ass. R came by to return the rest of my things the other evening (suitcases I had loaned to his daughter). If the anger he had could have been channeled into electricity, he could have lit New York City's Time Square for a year. He stood in MY house and was aloof, and sarcastic to me. I suspect this was just displaced anger toward himself for my not wanting to see him anymore. As I stood there looking at this man, I realized that the resemblance between him and my former husband was really there. My parents and my daughter saw it - but not me. But I did last night.

His sister, my partner in a craft business was there helping me get ready for a show we were obligated to. When he left she said, I don't know how much longer I can keep quiet ... you deserve the truth. Apparently both his sister, and his daughter know "THE TRUTH" and both feel I'm entitled to know. I DID deserve to know - but from him. I told his sister, and wrote his daughter that I was blessed to know how much they both loved me, but the truth was not their place to tell me, and furthermore, the "truth was not going to set me free". Do I really need to have him or them tell me that there may or may not be another woman in his life?? And if it wasn't another woman - would whatever it is/was have changed anything - not on your life.

I guess I should find some consolation in them both telling me that it wasn't me - it was him - but it doesn't change a thing about my feeling that once again, I wasn't worthy. Hap - when he left yesterday, the "little girl in me" finally broke down. I cried for hours; and when I lay down at 3:30 this morning, I lay in bed, wracked with sobs - but not over him (I see this as an improvement, I think). I cried for the child and the young woman, and the woman in me who has only wanted to feel loved all of my 50 years, and now knows that I never was. I used to say that "at least I know that my (2nd) husband always loved me - but no man treats a woman he really loves the way (I let??) him treat me.

What a distorted view I have of love. It's almost as if I enter these relationships knowing what the ending will be - picking partners who leave me "walking on ice" and leaving them preening like a peacock. My heart physically hurt last night - not chest pain as in angina or cardiac related - but just H-U-R-T, more like a soreness.

You know - the oddest thing is during the day - in my nursing management career, I am considered to be an excellent administrator, a caring and loving nurse, and extremely efficient and competent. Sure doesn't sound like the woman I wrote about in the pages above, does it? Is that what they call compensation? I don't know if this fits the description of co-dependence (in the last relationship). I'm not even sure I was co-dependent in my marriage - yes - I jumped through hoops to make him happy and to "fix things", but I think I may have done that more for his approval than my need to "fix things".

Somehow I think a lot of this goes back to my teenage years when my next door (male) neighbor pinned me against the door in his bedroom and stuck his hands up my pants. Somehow, recently I think I know why I don't like to go into basements - for anything - but can't quite pull whatever is tugging at my memory out.

I think what I want to share with you the most, is since having these "revelations" - especially about relationships, I am feeling so very sad, and so black. I'm overwhelmed feeling that I was never worth anything to anyone in my entire life - and I don't know how to process this constructively. I don't think I'm suicidal Hap . Yes - I thought about the dramatic effect it would have on others - and I even thought about walking around the house with a pistol, (which I don't own and never would) I even thought about putting a kerlix wrap around my wrist this morning - and then I realized that what I was looking for was attention - for my friends to bear the weight of my sadness and to help make me feel "worthy" of something. To ease your mind (since I know you care) - I don't believe I can do anything to hurt myself - I think there is a tiny spark inside of me that is struggling desperately to find an iota of self worth and to build on it from there. Now I understand my actions of New Year's Eve - when I just about wore a sign on me that said "Hey - F Me - I'm easy."

Now that all of this is coming out - I have no idea how to process all of it. I want so very much to see a professional who can help me sort this out - but I work for my medical insurance carrier, and everything has to be approved before hand - AND - everyone I work with on a daily basis can look up my records at any time. I can't afford private counseling, and I can't risk my employment either. Would it be inappropriate for me to go to a co-dependency group?

You know all I ever wanted, and still want is for someone to need me and to treat me like I'm a "somebody" for once in my life. I want someone to treat me right - but how can they if I don't treat ME right?

I am glad you are keeping me up to date about your life and it sounds like you are learning a lot of important things. You do need to be in therapy to sort these things out and make sense of them so you can change these patterns. I have some difficulty with your assertion that you can't afford therapy. Yes, it may involve some sacrifices, but people with less resources have found ways to get the help they need. You are a resourceful woman and can find a way. It always amazes me how a toothache will have us rushing to a dentist, but a "heartache." is something we will suffer with for days, weeks, months, or even years.

You said that you gave 200% to every relationship and got back 0% in return. I believe you. That sounds like a lot of co-dependant people I know. A successful relationship needs to be 100% for each party. When the numbers get lower on one side, the enabler just raises their share to add up to the 200%. Yes, the enabler does have 200% to give. There's the 100% that they should be giving to their significant other and there's the 100% that they need to give to themselves. When the numbers get to 200%, the relationship continues, but the enabler loses that 100% that gives them self esteem, happiness and joy.

My suggestion to you "unpredictable weather" in CT, is to take some time to give yourself that 100%. After giving it away for so long, you may not know how to hold on to it and instinctively you find mates that are willing to "take" more than their share while giving back nothing in return. Perhaps you need some time without a man in your life. A support group sounds like a good idea, not as a substitute for individual therapy, but as an enhancement. Keep up the good work and keep in touch.

Bubba was late giving me his Valentine's poem this year .. said he got REALLY drunk on Sunday and when he sobered up it was already Tuesday. But it was SO BEAUTIFUL I just wanted to share it with you.

To Edna:

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry just a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by your charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin' despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me "n" you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolates for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flee market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor ordor, more useful than diamonds... It's a new troll'n motor!

PS ... Cleatus didn't get me ANYTHING for Valentine's Day .. So I am crossing our names out of the heart I made on the bathroom wall at the Dew Drop Inn.

It's just as well you have split up with Cletus and you have gotten back with Bubba. At least Bubba is easier to spell, and from what people tell me, he's a little bit easier to smell! Please be careful with that troll'n motor. Despite what JeWitch tells you, it's not a sex toy!

Postings from February 16-29, 2000