Letters February 1 -15, 2000

What are the percentages of idiots who have left their mates to be reunited with their childhood sweethearts and have lived to totally regret it?? Is this some sort of mid-life crisis even for women? Is it ever possible to get your ex, who you dumped for another, to ever trust you again??

Whether it's a childhood sweetheart, an Internet infatuation, or someone at the work place who seems to "understand" you better, the odds of a successful outcome are slim. I have known a few that worked but the greater majority haven't. Something important to keep in perspective is that your marriage was lacking enough for you to seek intimacy outside of it. Many marriages are accidents waiting to happen, and usually it does.

As far as getting back together with the ex, you have to consider two things. First you have to find out if he might be interested in reconciliation. If he is not, then move on with your life. If he would consider getting back together, you then need to explore the issues that made you need to look for greener pastures. That would probably involve couples counseling. I would also caution to move slowly. If he's willing, start dating again. Get to know one another better. Begin to learn more about how each other feels and really ask yourselves if this is what you both really want or is it just easier on the children and the pocketbook.

One last thought Miss Regretful. Good and even smart people make bad mistakes. More important than asking your ex for forgiveness, is to forgive yourself. The rest of your life is a long time to feel like you are an untrustworthy idiot. Let me know what think.

My relationship with my sisters is one thing that I KNOW influenced my personality. Both good and bad characteristics. I've been curious about this in the past and have found that there is a lot of agreement on the profile of first born, last born and only children (this differs according to gender too), but have found several different descriptions of middle borns (I am a middle born of two sisters). Some of them describe me and others are totally off. I don't have any specific references but have found books on it in the library before.

Birth order is one of many many factors that play out in the development of one's personality. Studies and theories are interesting, but they can't take into account all the factors. It is fun to look at a profile and compare yourself to it. But then again, astrology is fun too.

How many Llamas can dance on the top of a pin?

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

None. Llamas can't dance stupid!

happy(askastupidquestion...getastupidanswer)shrink

Speak to me oh Happy man, of cognitive therapy.

How is it some of us come to this cognitive distorted place? When I look at myself and others around me, I see a lot of it everywhere. My boss talks to me about some things she needs to do this weekend. She talks about the things she should do, the things she would rather do but shouldn't, the stuff she ought to have done last week, the things she just MUST do or else. She rattles off more "should statements" than I can count in a 5 minute period, It is amazing. Behind me, while I am working, I can hear Sharon muttering to herself. I hear her do this often, and it's no wonder she is so nervous. Every other thing she does is followed with a comment like, "I don't know why I did that, I am so stupid.", or "Here I go again, I'm such an idiot." All day long she talks to herself this way, she never gives herself a break.

Brenda will come stomping thru the office, and let me tell you, it's her way or else. She will tell you that the only right way to do something is the way she sees it, and she will argue until she is blue in the face, and that's hard for a black woman to do. It doesn't matter if you can show that there are many ways to get the same results, her way is ALWAYS the most efficient. Is it any wonder why she has never been married, or even close to it? Ah , yes, now there is Karen, don't talk around her and not let her in the conversation, I guarantee you she will think you are talking about her. In her mind she just knows that we are conspiring against her, or at least putting down what she is wearing, or her hair, or something. A scared little mouse, that's what she reminds me of. Then of course there is me, my boss can look out at us and say some one has done something wrong and I automatically think it's ME. It has to be, It's always my fault, RIGHT? Ok, so let's get to the questions.

I can see some type of cognitive distortion in just about every one I am around, and I realize that each and every person has come to their way of thinking through their own experiences and perceptions (Hope Footsy is proud of me for that thought, guess I could call it a "Footsy Note"). So, how did we come to this point? Is there any way to avoid such distortions or is it just part of our culture? And here's another thing, don't a lot of the so called therapists, who are telling their clients what is wrong with them, have these same distortions? Is there anyone out in the world who does not exhibit some form of cognitive distortion? Gosh this just seems like it is an epidemic of monstrous proportions, it's a never-ending pattern of defeat. Oops, you think I might be over generalizing and blowing things out of proportion just a tad?

Yes, there are a lot of people out there that have cognitive distortions. One of the interesting things about the people you talked about, is that they all are at your work place. When we think of dysfunctional environments we usually think of the home. There are probably twice as many people working in dysfunctional work places than living in dysfunctional homes. The wounds are similar; fighting, abuse, harassment, humiliation, lack of recognition and poor communication. People stay in bad marriages and despair just as they stay in jobs that make them unhappy. Less than 20% of all people seek counseling or therapy because of their work place problems. (...and even that number has risen significantly over the last 20 years as a result of Employee Assistance Programs.)

As adults, work is one of our most important means of identity and self worth. We spend more than half of our waking hours at work and it gets way too little of our attention when something is wrong. Clearly, there is a relationship between how we behave at work and how we behave at home. The only time Freud every described a "normal" person, he said (in German) "happy at work, happy at love." As long as we try to seek these things out in dysfunctional environments, there will be a severe shortage of psychotherapists. I'm not sure I answered your question Methos, but it doesn't take much to get me going.

How to say....."I Love You" in Different Languages

English.........I Love You

Spanish........Te Amo

French.........Je T'aime

German........Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese......Ai Shite Imasu

Italian...........Ti Amo

Chinese........Wo Ai Ni

Swedish.......Jag Alskar Dig

Eskimo.........Nagligivaget

Greek...........S'Agapo

Hawaiian.......Aloha Wau la Oe

Irish.............Thaim In Grabh Leat

Hebrew.........Ani Ohev Otakh

Russian........Ya Lyublyu Tyebya

Albanian.......Une Te Dua

Finnish.........Mina Rakkastan Sinua

Turkish.........Seni Seviyorum

Hungarian....Se Ret Lay

Persian........Du Stet Daram

Maltese........ien Inhobbok

Catalan........Testimo Molt

Redneck ......Nice Tits

I guess I should say this to you more often than Valentine's day. Nice Ti..... I mean I LOVE YOU!!

Today someone told me that a girl I use to work with had to take her daughter in for some tests, when the results came back, the doctors told her that the child had cancer all through out her body. They said there was nothing much they could do, maybe run a few more tests, but for the most part the outcome is not good. This child sat in my lap not too long ago, played with her toys, and laughed. Nothing seemed wrong, and as usual, this came out of the blue.

Tonight I will hug my daughter just a little bit tighter and longer, and be thankful that she is still here to share with. I have thought about all the things I could say to this person but the "I'm sorry" statement just doesn't make it better. I can't tell her I understand how she feels and what she is going through, and please God, I don't want to ever be able to know this feeling. It just feels so helpless at this end, and I'm sure she feels the same way in this since. Tell me what it's all about Happy, there seems to be no since in it. Life just is, and very little of it can be explained. Why is it that so many of those who say they want to die, don't, and those who haven't really started life yet, do? This child is two years old, and more than likely she will not see three.

This is one answer I don't have nor can I research the Internet for help. Perhaps though, it puts some of our every day problems in prospective. Give Jenn a hug for me too.

I am looking for info in regards to certain personality traits based on birth order. I know there are specific generalities about firstborn, second born etc... I would love it if you could fill me in a some general traits.

This is not an area that I have a lot of experience with. In researching your question, I came up with the following website: "Birth Order Characteristics" The author has some very definitive ideas and I would be interested in knowing your opinion as well as other readers of the web page. Go question debra.

Two years ago, I began writing to you. A week later, I came into your group for the first time. Since then, many things have happened, both good and bad. One thing has been a constant, however. I know that every day I can wake up and read your web page and learn a little something, get a good recipe for road kill, find out what Edna's up to, or even if JeWitch got a job (yet?).

I guess what all this amounts to is to say thank you for your hard work and devotion. I know it's not always easy for you to find the time for this page, and yet you do it day after day. So here's a pat on the back from me Happy. Keep up the good work!

Since I started this web page 3 years ago a lot of good and bad things have happened to me too. Mostly good. The lesson here? Keep going while the going is good. Thank you for the pat on the back. I will continue to try and emulate the Energizer Bunny.

I am working on my communications skills. Today, I grunted audibly at a coworker. Is this progress? Lucky for him, it wasn't body language. You know I found a really cool website the other day. It was the "FBI's Famous Cases" website and as soon as I started nosing around, something loaded to my computer. The next day, my garbage can lids were removed and my garbage was better organized than I remembered leaving it. Do you think that "they" monitor those sites? It was amazing what I learned there.

Did you know that Al Capone died in his retirement home in Florida after his release from prison with the mind of a 12 year old child after his brain had been destroyed by the complications of a contracted venereal disease? And I did not know this: Tokyo Rose was a US citizen who left the US during the war, played the part she was famous for and then was returned to the US and was tried as a traitor to the US and sent to prison. She was released and pardoned and is living somewhere in the US.

Loads of strange, true stuff that kids and other folks never have presented to them. It is a shame they hear only the "glory of infamy" and little of the reality. But I guess that is what makes the Internet so great. You can research this stuff for yourself!

My doctor went ahead and prescribed Zoloft for me instead of having me stay on Prozac. Now I was on 20mg of Prozac, and when I went to take one of the Zoloft, I noticed it was for 50mg. St Theresa had sent me an e-mail telling about Zoloft, and in it it had mentioned that a person should start out at 25mg for a week, then after, if there are no problems go up to 50mg, all the way up to 200mg. Well, I could have called the doctor and asked to just take half a pill, but I thought what the hell, most of these doctors don't care about the patients anyway, and he would probably just say take half, who cares. So I did. I will only take half of a pill for about a week, if I like the way things are going, I may go up to a pill a day. Still don't have a Psychiatrist, and my regular doctor didn't even call back to ask why I wanted off of Prozac, just send in another prescription. Wonder if he would give me a prescription for Adderall to go along with the Zoloft. The best of two worlds, one anti-depressant and something to give me energy and help me loose weight, what a combo.

Just as a reminder, let me state that I am not a psychiatrist and I am not licensed to prescribe medication. Zoloft and Prozac are both "Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors." They maintain the levels of Serotonin in your system. The fact that you have been on Prozac may alter the amount of Zoloft you might start with, but to be sure I would urge you to find a psychiatrist in your network. It may be inconvenient, but you will be monitored better and it will decrease your worry about being on the right meds. Perhaps your new therapist can recommend someone.

Adderall is an amphetamine that is used for narcolepsy, attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder in children and adults. It is a very dangerous drug when used to lose weight, increase mental alertness or enhance athletic performance. I hope you were just kidding when you asked me about that.

Lastly Methos, I have a feeling that Jenn will get herself together and you will play an important role in that. Keep the faith.

Your cigarettes are liable to start a fire too. You might want to consider giving that up for your health as well. I don't smoke nor do I jog and I haven't been on fire for all these years. Try it.

I am a 33 year old woman dating a 38 year old man for some time now. We were planning on buying a house and moving in together to take our relationship to the next level. But before we did that, he said he wanted me to know everything about him. What he had to tell me put me in shock and I have no idea what to do about it.

He proceeded, as gently as he could muster, to tell me that everyday he plots different ways of killing himself. What would be the best, less painless....that sort of thing. He said he has already been to a therapist and it did nothing, so he wont go to another.

Although he has said that he wont act it out, I am sure this behavior is not healthy and he does need someone to talk to, but refuses. Am I overreacting? What can I do to help him?

You are not over-reacting and you have every reason to be concerned about this. I don't know what kind of therapist your boyfriend went to or what kind of treatment he received so I can't really comment on that. From what you described, he has a serious problem that can get worse if it's not treated. He may not be at the point where he would commit suicide now, but that doesn't mean that it won't change. A large percentage of individuals diagnosed with major depression attempt suicide and a significant percentage are successful. I can not say for sure that your boyfriend suffers from major depression, but from your description, it is a strong possibility.

I would urge him to see a Psychiatrist Rayni. He needs to be evaluated and a treatment plan might include medication as well as psychotherapy. If he refuses, I would seriously consider putting the relationship on hold. You were concerned enough to write me. Don't bury you head in the sand. Help him to get the help he needs and protect yourself. Please let me know what is going on.

This was sent to be by a woman to celebrate woman's history month. It said to send it to at least 5 phenomenal women. So this is for :

St. Theresa, JeWitch, Cnot, Avalon, Methos, Bee_Balm, Cornfed and all the other phenomenal women who read this web page and come to group. You go girls!!

IT'S THE THOUGHTFUL, SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE THINGS THAT WE DO THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS....

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.

Models who twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman, today weigh 23% less.

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

Even though St. Theresa, JeWitch, Cnot, Avalon, Methos, Bee_Balm, Cornfed and you are imperfect, I still love all of you!

When I came home from work on Thursday I was greeted with the news that my daughter had been expelled from school for having pills. She informed me that she had been popping pills with her friends for awhile, and a girl at school had given her a note with Wellburtrin in it. Life is just full of little quirks now isn't it? So, now she must go and get evaluated at a psych facility, and also go to night meetings at the school for what I am assuming is for other children who have had the same problem.

She just turned sixteen, and now I find out she has been doing drugs, popping pills, and anything else she could imagine, except sex of course, at least that's what she says. It was also thrown in my face that she really didn't care if she lived or died, she is not afraid of death, thinking of course that it would never happen to her. I tried to talk to her about it, but i got the old blank stare, and the shoulder shrugs, oh, yeah, and the "I DON'T KNOW".

Jen is smart, and beautiful, and I am hoping that she will come through this stage without being to badly scarred. I battle with the thought the somehow I have failed, not listened, not been around, or done something that would lead to this behavior, but you know, I think she chose this all on her own. I believe in allowing her to find out who she is, to say what she thinks, to feel, to express. I just hope that she will find easier ways of doing it.

You certainly have a right to feel angry, guilty and confused. All you have been going through has taken a toll on Jen and I'm not going to sugar coat it, but you can look at it two ways:

a) You can say, "It's all my fault; I am selfish to think of my own needs first; I am a terrible parent who has made awful mistakes; I am a total screw up!"

b) You can say, "Ok, I have made some mistakes, who hasn't? I have worked hard to get my life together so I could be the kind of mom I want to be; If I can forgive Jen for not being a perfect daughter, perhaps she can forgive me for not being a perfect mom."

All that I know, My Kids Have Taught Me.....

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3. Ask "why" until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
15. Making your bed is a waste of time.
16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
18. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
19. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
20. If at first you don't succeed... Cry your eyes out

JeWitch

Dear JeWitch,

I have learned one very important thing over the past 3 years. If I need something to brighten up my day or make me laugh out loud, I read a letter from JeWitch or Edna.

happy(lovethatcrazywoman)shrink

Through the years they really mistreated my mom, and he would stand by and let it happen and not take up for her....they would always tell her she "didn't need this" or she "didn't need that"....or she "should work and not stay home and be a mother", but "help my dad with finances, etc.".... I was always referred to as the "adopted grandchild", which I was not....they married 1 month before I was born..so I had "their name."

For years now, since my grandmother died my father has been slowly changing.....he seems to do things on the sly....he has real quirky ideas of how things should be done....and my mother confessed to me recently that anytime over the last 49 years...that she buys something for herself, (trust me, the woman is not extravagant) something that she might show excitement about or be proud of....it ends up missing or broken or damaged...no matter what it is.....she waited many years for some good everyday silverware, after she bought it....maybe 6 months later...she was missing 6 forks...now forks don't just walk away....she has lost dozens of towels, jewelry, underwear, clothes, shoes, coats.....even handcrafted items that she may have picked up at the flea market....lost, missing, broken or irreparable damage to them.....sometimes strategically placed where she just seems to run into them again after quite a while.

She says that she has learned over time that if she "quits" ranting and raving or wondering to him what is happening to her things that they mysteriously reappear....as if the game is over, and because she is not upset about it anymore the items are found. In a joking sense, I have heard my dad say on many occasions..."I love to torment your mother."....and he does pick at her constantly...but it has lost its humor.

In the last 6 months or so my father has developed what I would call a strange habit.....when he is sitting and talking to someone he is constantly wringing, rubbing, or scratching his hands...constantly....to the point of distraction. He has become very, very questioning, opinionated and tries to find fault in everything anyone does...constant judging and criticism....my mom is about to lose it with him....I told her to get professional help but she went that route once and they put "her" away for a month....my father was suppose to be the one that was going to voluntarily commit himself and his family all came in to "help" and my mom was railroaded into the hospital....she and dad decided to go for help together and she ended up being the only one at the party...that was cruel...her docs in the hospital all told her she was not the one with the problem at all and she was released in the standard 30 days.....she still stayed with him and continued to raise us kids.

I am sure the resentment has built up in her over the years and she is finally tired of all the mistreatment....but my dad has lost his sight due to macular degeneration and she feels obligated to his care...

He can be a very mean and hateful person, mean spirited.....just like my grandmother....sometimes it is if we are looking at that ol' woman in pants and a shirt....it is almost scary.......please doc, if you can figure out what may be his problem and suggestions for my mom just to be able to cope....she is scared to death to seek psychological counseling because my dad still has siblings that are alive and she is paranoid that the same thing would happen as before.

You father probably suffers from a personality disorder however, I would not want to venture a more exact diagnosis. Unfortunately, the years of emotional abuse has taken it's toll on your mother too. She has become his enabler and seems more trapped than ever. Frankly at this point, I'm not sure counseling would do any good. There has to be recognition of the need for change and I don't think your father could examine his own behavior as needing change. It's too bad your mom can't walk away from him and it must be awful for you to see her continually unhappy. I would suggest that you focus on ensuring that your mom's needs get met as she gets older. Your father will make sure that his needs are met without your help.

Other than that, you really can't do much about the situation. I hope your adult life has gotten away from the emotional abuse you received while you were growing up. If you need to vent again (venting is often necessary and healthy), or would like to talk more about yourself and your own needs in dealing with your parents, please feel free to write me again.

I am writing you in hopes you can save my life and marriage. I've had all I can stand of my husband's friends being at the house day and night all the time. I've told him this and he just tells me to give him "one good reason why I should tell the boys to go home".

Every reason I give him ain't good enough -- "now get your ass back in that damn kitchen and bring us a beer". He reads your column every day - out loud to his friends. Can you please help me?

Get your sister Edna's recipe for "road kill meatloaf." Serve that to hubby and the boys and I'm sure you won't see any of them back for a long long time. By the way.... could you get me a brewski?

My father lost his job on the first of the year (great way to start the new millennium, I know) and has no new job to speak of. For years, my father was driving the company van, and when the company folded, he had to surrender the car. The problem is now, he refuses to look for a new job, because he has no car. But in order to get a car, he has to work, so either way he's toast.

The thing is, we've been having some prank phone calls at the house and some stupid company has their phone number dialing system wrong, and it keeps trying to fax us stuff every minute of the day. (this must be pretty stressful on him, he's the only one home all day to answer the phone). When he finally called the company's main line to complain, he was screaming at the top of his lungs like a complete freak, and said he would feel better after he killed someone!

Times like that, all I want to do is leave the house, so I got ready to get out of there, and he screamed AT ME, because he thinks the ex fiancée would be stupid enough to call the house and prank us. I really don't see how it is my fault.

My dad is getting cabin fever. I told him he could take my car whenever he wants, just to let me know when he does it. I even said he could just drive me to school and pick me up, so he can use the car to look for a job, but he won't. I just don't understand it.

On another note, after me and the ex broke up, I decided I wasn't going to hang out or be friends with people who made me feel bad. It was my new year's resolution. A month later, I finally lived up to the promise I made myself and decided it was time to end an unhealthy friendship. I did it in a really stupid way though, but when a relationship comes to an end, there is no way to do it and not look stupid in my opinion. So my "friend" (if you noticed from my former emails, this girl has been nothing but a nay-sayer to me my whole life, and makes me feel like crap every time I talk to her. She was one of the ones telling me to break up with the ex, and now she's his new best friend; definitely a hidden agenda there.) decided to put up a website on the web. I've had a page for 3 years now, and there's this section on it where I gripe about life and the idiosyncrasies that happen. Well, she copied the whole darn thing! And used it on her page, and sent it to me.

I responded by updating my web page with a section about plagiarism. She wrote back this pretty nasty email about how all I ever cared about was "getting a lay, smoking some pot and getting things my way" well, I've been writing you for a while now, Do you think all I am looking for is sex? I'm going to take that answer to be no. I'll admit that I do occasionally do a few drugs, but it's not an every day occurrence. It isn't like that is all I want to do all day. She also said I was copying off of other people on my page too, but anything I took from anyone else was cited, like a book report. As a writer, I pride myself on that.

I was wondering if there is such a thing as a personality disorder where you try to be someone else by emulating them constantly. She's done stuff like this several times already, like she found someone to loose her virginity to just because I lost it (even though I warned her against it, cuz I knew she'd get hurt). I got poetry published, so she went right ahead and did it too, I got a tattoo, so did she, OF THE SAME THING. When I went away to school, she wanted to go to, when I changed majors and came home, she wanted to go to school for the same thing. It's been constant. I can't stand people who aren't original in who they want to be, and I know it isn't healthy to try to be like someone else. I went through it, and honestly, I have no idea why someone would want to be like me at all....I've had a lot of loss in the past year that I wouldn't wish on anyone!

So I told her off, but I didn't tell her everything that was bothering me about her, if I did, the email I sent her would have been pages and pages long. I don't think I need to tell her I hate that she copies everything I do lately.....I don't need to be bothered with people that can't be themselves. I need to do what is good for me, and not having her in my life, no matter how I did it, was a good thing. I just feel really bad.

It sounds like your plate is very full again. All I can suggest to you is to focus on your school work and try to develop positive relationships. I don't think there is much you can do for your father right now. He has to work things out himself. If he has a close friend, or there is someone else in the family he has listened to in the past, you might want to ask them to speak to your father. My guess is that when he is ready to go back to work, he will start looking for a job. Perhaps when it warms up a bit he will venture out of the "cabin."

As far as your friend is concerned, I suggest you stop looking at her web page and move on with your life. If you used your letter to vent some of your anger, that's OK and I hope it was helpful. But now it's time to forget about your ex-friend and start making new ones. Whatever her problem is shouldn't be a concern to you anymore.

Things may be tough right now in Buffalo panicked, but Spring is just around the corner. Just hang in there for a few more weeks. Feel free to write me again if you need to vent.

I works at Walmart with your friend Edna. You know she can't drive no more, but she never told you how come. Well, here's what happened. She was just driving along as usual, ok, she was speeding as usual, when a cop comes up behind her. Well, after a few miles and she wasn't stopping, so he gets up along side of her and sees that she's knitting! So he yells into his bullhorn "PULL OVER!!" She finally looked up and saw the flashing lights and all and yelled back "NO! SCARF!"

The scarf is very warm and it was the best Christmas present that Edna has ever given me!

Connecticut just shoveled out of a blizzard - and so did I. For the first time in 30 years, I didn't wait "for the other shoe to drop", I found this smidgeon of self esteem and told my former significant other that I deserved much more than I was getting ... why settle for crumbs when you want the whole cake?

Told him I couldn't see him or speak with him anymore in any shape manner or form. I changed churches since we were going to the same one, I'm closing out my partnership with his sister, and have begun looking for a new apartment or home about 40 miles from here - closer to my daughter and to my family.

I apologized to the man that I acted so loose around on New Years Eve - and he was very kind and understanding - but I don't want to see him either. I saw my medical doctor and he started me on Zoloft 100 mg and stopped the Trazadone (actually tapering it down). I signed up for a clinic to stop smoking. I'm going to be a grandmother in June - so I really do have to get my life together.

I now recognize this as a long-standing pattern that goes back to my childhood. My parents and I had a terrific talk about it and they added more pieces to the puzzle.

I have made a list of all of my good qualities, and those qualities that I have to work on - the goods outweigh the work on - so I consider this to be progress. I haven't spoken, E-Mailed or in any form had any communication with him since that night, and I'm really okay about it.

I know that the root of this stems from being rejected in my marriage, and not having a "huggable" dad as I grew up. However - I also know my parents didn't sit up nights trying to screw up my life ... I did that all by myself. I allowed myself to stay in an abusive marriage for almost 20 years, and finally had the courage to walk out ... and then right in ... to another type of abusive relationship.

You know, Happy ... when you step out of the forest - you really can see the trees!

I struggled greatly with my last response to you. I knew there were parts of it that were tactfully harsh and confrontive (well....maybe not so tactful). I felt you were spinning your wheels in neutral and not getting anywhere. I thought that my response would be the "kick in the ass" you needed or it would piss you off to the extent that you would look elsewhere for a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps, it did both. I certainly came across like "Dr. Snow" in my last letter, but at the same time I tried to hand you a "shovel." I'm glad you took the shovel and started to dig out from the blizzard. Keep up the good work and please continue to write me.

This weeks chat about hugs got me thinking. I don't ever remember hugging my mom or dad. One time I remember my dad reaching out to pick me up as I was making a mad dash for the toilet. I told him I had to go but he didn't let me go fast enough and I peed on his leg. I was closer to my dad than my mom but that's the only time I remember him picking me up. I remember when I had my first child, 21 years ago, everyone was surprised I knew how to hold, feed, and love him because I had shown none of that instinct that most little girls do in play.

I never thought of this as unusual but as a Vulcan I guess it would be normal. Just thinking.

You childhood experiences explain a lot. The sad news about that is, it's something you can't go back and change. The good news is, it's never too late to learn how to enjoy a hug; not even for a Vulcan. Keep learning cnot. Feel free to practice on your grandson, your children, your husband and even your friends in the chat room. (If you try and hug me, I promise not to pee on your leg.) You may not realize this, but you are getting more huggable every day!

Happy,

My youngest daughter, is causing me some concern. She is almost 11 years old now and has yet to catch the eye of any potential husband.

Bubba and I have discussed increasing her dowry to include another pig and four more chickens. Can you think of anything else that might help?

Edna

I don't know what I'm supposed to do!!! Please help...I am in a living situation that just seems to be getting worse. In September-November 1999, due to unfortunate circumstances involving potential roommates, (I live in NY, and 3 of my college buddies and I were all going to move in together.) 2 of the roommates jumped ship, and I really couldn't see a healthy living relationship between myself and the other guy.) I wound up homeless for a couple of months. I was crashing on friends' couches for those 2 months, and saved up enough money after my good friend suggested that D. would be moving into town. I combed the local papers, the weeklies, the internet, and eventually found a place. I talked to the landlord, and even managed to get the rent lowered.

Things seemed to go along all right (as they always do.) But here is the problem. I find that D. is more and more making decisions that regard my life without checking with me. I will give examples as best I can.

1) Before we moved in together, D. mentioned that she happened to have a lot of stuff. I said that's fine, as I don't have a lot of stuff. And then she moved in, and she has a LOT of stuff!!! I stayed in the place for about 2 weeks before she got there, and there was room to breathe in the apartment. Now, in a Manhattan "two bedroom" (translation: 2 Closet) apt., we have the following:

2 large lazy-boys, a futon/loveseat, 3 bookcases, a giant TV on a large table, an entertainment center shelving unit, a dining room table and four chairs. A large pantry-type antique cabinet, another shelving unit with a microwave, a wooden rocking chair, and a regular wooden chair as well. This is all in the living room/kitchen area, which I couldn't even begin to tell you the exact measurements of, but I can assure you it's a tight damn fit. There is no place to stand, you constantly have to shimmy by some piece of furniture, just to get somewhere. And she's constantly buying more stuff! I understand that some people feel the pull to own more objects, and that I'm not one of them, and I try desperately hard not to judge materialist people, but it's one of my shortcomings. I generally try not to judge anyone, but because I simply can't understand the drive behind buying up and owning so many things, it actually requires some focusing on my part. But it really is getting to the point that I feel like never going home. But it isn't just because of all the "baggage." Which leads us to...

2) The girl can't communicate, and she's not interested at all in anything about me, and then turns around and tries to tell me everything about her day at work (and she's a manager at a video chain store, which is not exactly a hot-bed of drama...) and I sit and I listen to her work stories, and her boyfriend stories, and I've gotten to the point that I find myself not caring, because I know there's no caring coming my way. I am a person very much into the sharing of respect and emotions with my friends and relations, but I feel that there needs to be a circle of energy, and without that, I find it very easy to shut people out. I know that's a problem that I need to work on, as my circle of friends is not quite as big as I feel it should be. But she gets the phone bill (in her name) turned off without talking to me about it. Isn't this a bit much too take?

3) She is a liar. I, once in a while, do indulge in a certain commonplace, yet illicit substance that is used for medicinal purposes in CA. She joins me once in a while. She enjoys it. She talks to me about it all the time, however, she doesn't tell her boyfriend, because he doesn't approve, and when he does find out, he doesn't step up to the plate and confront me, which would work out so much better for all of us?

You mentioned how social workers are frequently overlooked and under appreciated. I was wondering what you think of the TV show "Norm." I think it is a TERRIBLE depiction of social work. The main character is a convicted illegal gambler and his punishment is to be a social worker, as if social work is akin to a jail sentence and being a criminal is all the qualifications one would need! I know it is just a stupid sitcom, with emphasis on stupid.

Incidentally, I am inclined to agree with TV's characterizations of the psychiatrists in "Frasier" - pompous, egotistical, emotionally detached and thinking themselves intellectually superior from the people around them - but ultimately well-meaning and lovable. watches too much TV,

I have only watched Norm a couple of times. The show is a bit lame but I do like Norm McDonald so I can forgive the negative depiction. It's ok and even good for professions to be poked fun of on TV. I love Dr. Katz and while Frasier is pompous and egotistical, I like the show. Not all depictions of social work have been negative either. Way back in the 1960's, George C. Scott played a heroic New York social worker in the dramatic series, "Eastside Westside."

What I mind more is when a child is beaten to death by a depraved parent and "the Media" needs to indict the entire social service system. It is a system that politicians criticize, give inadequate funding and resources and then wonder, "Why did this happen?" What they should actually be asking is, "Why doesn't this happen more often?" The answer to that question is the hard work of dedicated human service professionals. Maybe, I need to watch more programs like "Norm" and "Frasier" and stop tuning in the news.

I never thought I would find myself writing to a column like this, on account of I think you all are mostly full of crapola. However, despite my dislike for you, I decided to give this a shot. Lately, my old lady Edna Faye is spending all her time on the computer. I don't know what she is finding so interesting on there. It looks like a bunch a hooey when I try to read over her shoulder.

I work nights, and when I come home, I expect a hot meal and hotter old lady, if you know what I mean. Lately, I been getting cornflakes and precious little else. My house used to be neat as a pin. Now, it is a dump. My mother, bless her heart, calls my Edna several times an hour and tells her what a terrible job she is doing of taking care of her boyfriend and home, but this doesn't seem to get through to Edna, either.

Have you thought of becoming a member of the "He-man Woman-haters Club?" We are still looking for a few good men.

My name is Nicole. And I am 23 years old. I've been suffering from depression in the last few years, and I was on Prozac. But, I was well enough to get off of medication last January. But lately, I've had many down moods and having trouble getting up in the morning. I don't have a psychiatrist anymore. Do you think I should go back on medication and see a new doctor?. Thank you for your time.

Yes I do think you should see a psychiatrist. You may need medication, however that would be determined by an evaluation. It is encouraging that you were able to sustain yourself for a full year without medication. The psychiatrist might put you back on Prozac for a period of time or possibly prescribe another medication. Still another option is meeting with a psychotherapist. Please seek the help you need and let me know what happens.

Thanks for your reply. I wanted to let you know that I've made contact with a psychologist who works with cognitive therapy. He also works closely with a psychiatrist who will prescribe meds if it becomes necessary, although I am really hoping I can cope without it. I may have gotten the name of the drug I mentioned wrong but I know that it has a mood stabilizer, tranquilizer and anti-depressant in it. It is given by injection every fortnight In South Africa it is also sometimes used in the treatment of schizophrenia.

I am glad you are getting the help you need and I think that cognitive therapy is a very effective treatment for individuals who have experienced childhood trauma. It sounds like you are handling things well and I support your efforts (100% not 98%). :-)

I think the medication you probably took has the brand names "Prolixin and Permitil" and a generic name "fluphenazine." Hopefully, you won't need anything like that in the future. Good luck with your surgery. Let me know how things are going. Keep the letters to happyshrink coming.

Dear Happy,

Do you know me ??? Edna's daughter Lulu ??? (named after her long lost sister, Lurlene, http://www.jewitch.com/lurlene.htm (SHAMELESS PLUG LIKE St. Theresa !!) (Some of us GET IT)

Any way, I am a normal, red-blooded American woman. I want you to understand that. I bleach my hair and use FDS, and I lost my virginity the first time at age thirteen, and then again at fifteen, and then again after I married my husband, Homer. I have always done my duty as a wife, no matter how boring I have found it.

However, lately, I find myself listening to Tori Amos CDs. And when I say listening, I mean, LISTENING. And when I say all the time, I mean, ALL THE TIME. I don't know, there is something about her. I feel like she is sending me a musical message, and it is one that will send me straight to Hell in a hand basket. But I can't help myself. Maybe it's her hair, or those clothes she wears all the time. But Tori turns my crank.

Be honest with me, Happy. Am I a pervert?

Lulu

I don't think I will get the position, but I just think it is so neat that my supervisor is willing to allow me to try, considering what has happened with me over the past month. I must be extremely lucky to have the supervisor that I do, and the job that I do. I know that I have had other jobs that would not have been so understanding, and accepting. I wanted to express my appreciation, and to let others know that there are good jobs and good people out there in the world. I have been lucky.

Also, I thought I would share that I am going to start college again next semester for psychology, kind of funny huh? But I am also looking into starting home study for Clayton College of Natural Healing, this is something else I have wanted to do for awhile. You know, it seems like everything is working out just the way it was suppose to, and that's a good thing.

The snow didn't bury me but a stomach virus almost did earlier in the week. Let me know what happens with the job interview and your first session with the new therapist. Good luck.

Although I have just visited your web site for the first time I get a sense that you are a very well meaning person. And I can tell you from experience, in many aspects, Laughter is the best medicine. Through the course of the last seven months, I have been through Hell Happyshrink. I use such a strong term because for me in many ways, it was was my own personal living hell. I had to withdraw first semester at UGA because of depression, and thinking I had that knocked out after three and a half months, I fell into my first manic episode a mere two months later. It's been Fire and Rain Happyshrink.

My faith in the Lord has been questioned and renewed in a way I never thought possible. I have decided to dedicate my life to God and become an ordained Baptist minister. I just want you to know that what you're doing is a blessing for everyone and helps people like me who have experienced and will continue to experience a mental illness have hope for a better tomorrow. I feel 335% and am only getting stronger every day. I owe everything I have to the Lord.

Thank you for your kind words. There are many paths that lead to peace, health and happiness. I am glad you found yours.

Dear Happy,

Have you wondered where I have been ?? Do you even remember me, Prudence ??? I desperately need advice and I can hardly ask any of my girlfriends about this delicate topic. This is my problem:

Every time my new boyfriend, Gator, takes me for a ride on his '67 Harley Davidson Pan head with a Springer front-end, I get this strange feeling ... well, I can hardly describe it without getting all hot and bothered! I mean, sometimes I feel like those women in the Harlequin Super Steamy Series Romance Novels, always talking about "throbbing" and "pulsating" and going weak in the knees.

I always thought that was just a bunch a crap those writers made up to make teenage girls think there'd be something more than dirty diapers and string beans after the honeymoon, and heaven knows, at 23, I am certainly old enough to have figured out that Big Lie!!

But now I find myself wondering if maybe some women really DO feel all that stuff, maybe that's what LOVE really IS all about, and that would mean that I am in LOVE with a '67 Harley Davidson Pan head with a Springer front-end!

Please help me, Happy, because Gator is starting to get suspicious and I don't know if I can hide my feelings from him much longer. Every time he comes over now I just stare with longing at that big, beautiful bike ...

Horny for That Harley in Huntsville,
Prudence

PS .. Thanks for introducing me to Edna. She has had a BIG IMPACT on my life.

Have Edna introduce you to JeWitch. She has these..... er...... "toys." Have her show you her "toys" and you might find that Gator's bike is only the beginning.

I would very much like to know how and why transference feelings are developed. My transference feelings toward my psychiatrist are so strong that I am obsessed with her. I hate it but can't help myself to let go. I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. At first she encouraged my dependence (6 years ago) and broke down my defenses. I don't know where to turn or how to get over this obsession with her. Please help.

As someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, it is very common to become dependent or even obsessed with another person and especially with a therapist. You don't have to be a "Borderline" to have strong feelings about your therapist, however borderlines push these feelings to an even higher and more inappropriate level. It takes a very skilled therapist to deal effectively with this type of transference and when it gets the point that you are describing, it's time for the therapist to terminate the treatment and refer the patient to another mental health practitioner.

Therapists working with "Borderlines" must constantly set limits and keep the work concrete. Sometimes inexperienced therapists will get too close to their "Borderline" patients in an effort to develop a "therapeutic alliance." There is a fine line that must be drawn where a skilled therapist shows caring and compassion, sets limits and effectively manages the transference.

If I were you DL, I would change therapists. The longer you hold on to this obsession, the more damage it can do. I know that it will be hard. A good new therapist with help you to get over this obsession without allowing you to create a new one. Good Luck DL.

Your letter has just extended the duration of my stomach virus by one day. Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean...... Oh By the way...... Catch any waves yet?

I just spent the better part of 2 days going through your website. I just had to let you know that although you are not always right :-) you seem to be on the mark at least 98% of the time. You reminded me of a truly wonderful person that I was privileged to spend a good deal of my life with. She was a retired social worker who was also my mentor, best friend, substitute mother and most definitely the best aunt a child could wish for. She found out ( I still don't know how) that an uncle had been abusing me and had a little 'chat' with him. He disappeared shortly thereafter. She arranged for me to see a psychologist and various other things. She sat up and talked to me until 4am while I was struggling to come to terms with my own very dysfunctional family including a abusive alcoholic father, and sheltered me when I ran away from home on numerous occasions. She shared my deepest thoughts and was the only person I could relate to for a very long time. I still have difficulty coming to terms with the fact that she was brutally murdered for the sake of a cheap video machine.

Thank you for sharing your memories of your dear aunt, friend and mentor. Social Workers are not always portrayed in a positive way in society. I for one am proud to be a Social Worker and consider it a noble and important profession. Unfortunately, society seems to acknowledge the profession only when something goes wrong; like when a mentally ill person commits a crime or a child abuse allegation falls through the cracks. Then the task of blaming comes into the picture. It is often overlooked how many people are helped and lead quality lives because of the dedication and skill of a social worker. Thank you again for sharing your positive experiences Shez. You made my day.

Hi. I'm a 16 year old female, without a real bad life, or any form of depression that I know of (except maybe terrible self-esteem). I don't use any drugs either (except a lot of caffeine). But sometimes when I get really depressed about something or someone, I'll blame it on myself. Recently I started to hurt myself, when I'm feeling really low. I'll take an ordinary sewing needle and dig it all the way into my arm, or I'll use a knife or razor blade to cut myself (never in a place that could kill me or anything though). It somehow feels really really good. The blood seems to fascinate me, and I'll often squeeze the wound to get more blood.... Is this at all normal?... It's not hurting me, really, (except maybe the occasional scar) but is it something I shouldn't be doing?... I'd appreciate your advice.

This is not a normal thing to do even though it is more common than most people realize. Individuals who suffer from depression as a result of childhood trauma or other factors will sometimes find that by cutting themselves, they feel better emotionally. This "feeling really good" is short lived and the issues of low self esteem, depression and perhaps guilt return again and again. Eventually, the cuts get bigger and so do the scars.

I would urge you to get help LV. Speak to your parents, your school counselor or your family physician so you can get the help you need. This condition will not go away by itself and it can get worse. The earlier you get treatment, the better your chances for a full recovery. As a 16 year old you have a lot of life ahead of you. I want you to live it with as few physical and emotional scars as possible. Please feel free to write me again. Let me know if you are getting help.

Dear Happy,

Edna is out of town .. she went surfing in Nebraska. Let me tell you .. her wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead !

JeWitch

At least she can get dressed and leave her home. Besides, she's surfing the Internet in Nebraska.

Postings from February 1-15, 2000