Letters January 16 -31, 2000

I have a question for you about a certain response I have began to have toward people, especially people I am dating or am thinking about dating. When I am in the middle of a conversation with a person with whom I am supposed to be "interested in" I find myself zoning out, or becoming detached from the conversation and feel as though I am insulated somehow from the moment.

I noticed that two other people in my family seemed to have cultivated a similar response to situations. My Grandfather would sit and stare into space and act detached. The older he became, the worse it became. However, he would become animated if forced out of his routine environment and you actually wondered if he had been just pretending to be old just to prevent from having to interact in mindless, stupid conversation.

Now my father has started to do the same thing, and even though I love my mother, I believe he responds this way because he is tired of being a pack mule as such, prodded to do this and do things that do not really interest him, but things you do to keep from being screamed at. Well, here I am trying to cultivate friendships and I find myself doing the exact same thing! It is almost like going asleep while you are awake and then when the person is gone or the phone is hung up, you get this pissed off feeling (excuse me) like you wasted valuable time on silliness.

Can you shed some light on this response? Does it have a name? And how do I stop it from progressing the way it has with my father! I don't want to be captive to this kind of numb mind!

Zoning out is something that a lot of people do when they are depressed or preoccupied. Being attentive to someone's casual conversation involves work, and work involves motivation. Your grandfather's situation is a good example of this. He would be happy to zone out and stare into space, but if you "forced him out of his routine" he could become animated and involved.

So what does this mean for you Jen? Listen to your own words "mindless, stupid conversation," and "wasted valuable time on silliness." If that's your attitude Jen, its going to be hard not to zone out. Why would anyone want to waste time? I'll tell you why! Because silliness and mindless conversation can be fun if you have the right attitude. Sure you want to meet people who are thoughtful and intelligent, but if you expect a meaningful conversation every time you communicate, you are setting yourself up for failure. The problem with your mother and father is not the presence of meaningless activities. It's the absence of meaningful ones. A lot of our activities of daily living involve mundane and mindless tasks. That will always be a part of life, even for the rich and famous.

So my advice to you Jen is to work harder on being engaged in conversations even if they seem unimportant. As you get to know the other person better, you might find the conversation becoming more meaningful. Sometimes we learn more about people from the "dull and mundane" stuff. Developing intimacy is hard work Jen, but it's worth the effort.

I have just spent a few hours going through your website (my boss is probably going to be really upset) and have enjoyed it tremendously. I'd like to ask you a question. I have had problems since I can remember but was able to function more or less normally until about about 1992. It was at this time that I lost the 3 most important people in my life (one of them was murdered). Then I really went off the deep end. I developed anorexia, bulimia and a severe substance abuse problem. Eventually in 1997 I was hospitalized after trying to kill myself.

I was in the institution for quite some time and was eventually released after being put onto prozac and fluanxyl and having made some progress in therapy. I was diagnosed with major depression, personality disorder (they never did tell me which one), anxiety, bulimia etc. I regularly attended my outpatient therapy sessions and took my meds, and everything seemed to be going ok, except that I felt like a totally different person. It was almost like being disconnected from life. I didn't seem to care about anything really. Even my fathers death from cancer had little impact on me. When I suggested to my psychiatrist that I go off the meds she became angry and told me I needed to be on it for the rest of life or I would wind up back in hospital. Against her advice (and without her knowledge) I gradually decreased the dosage and eventually stopped taking the stuff. When I told her she freaked so I stopped seeing her.

Everything was fine for quite some time. I got a great new job, a stable relationship with somebody who really cares, started studying for my degree again etc. In fact things were wonderful. Then a few weeks ago I was I was told that I have a serious medical problem. Since then that old familiar feeling of emptiness is back, I am more irritable (although I haven't been physically violent with anyone) and I have had weird irrational thoughts like putting my foot flat on the accelerator and driving into the concrete barrier. I am not going to do that. I really am not feeling suicidal. I phoned another psychiatrist recommended by my GP who said I should be in hospital and/or back on meds. I disagree. Is medication really necessary? Perhaps I just need somebody to talk to while I am going through this patch. What do you think? Thanks

Considering the seriousness of your illness in the past, I can understand why your previous psychiatrist was concerned about your going off meds. On the other hand, I can certainly understand your desire to get off meds and work your problems out in therapy. Since I don't know your case enough, and I am not a psychiatrist, I can't really advise you on whether or not meds are absolutely necessary. (I have never heard of the drug fluanxyl. The generic name for Prozac is Fluoxetine. Did you misspell it or does it go by another name?)

What you might want to do is contact the local Mental Heath Association or NAMI chapter in your area. These are consumer groups that may be able to give you the name of a psychiatrist that is sensitive to the medication issue. If every psychiatrist you see is recommending meds, then you might want to consider this at least as a temporary measure to help you get back on track. Your irrational thoughts do concern me. They may be under control for now, but if your condition gets worse (and it can if you don't get some kind of help) it can end up with tragic consequences. I don't want you to become a Major Depression Statistic Shez. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I am pleased that you enjoy the website and I will post your other letter in a few days.

Dear Happy,

Here is a letter with a story for all those who could use a lift.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me.

God blesses you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely, Edna's Mom

I'm sure you made all those Safety Harbor Middle School kids feel like it was Christmas in January. Nice job.

Well, things have been pretty well since the last time I emailed you about my whole boyfriend situation (probably from my lack of writing to you). I went to Virginia to visit some friends, came home, developed the pictures, and they were all pictures of my ex. It was sort of scary, considering he wasn't even there! I guess he's been on my mind lately. A mutual friend of ours told me he doesn't believe I was ever pregnant or had the miscarriage! He says it was "too convenient." I think it is just his way of dealing with the whole breaking up situation.....but I have no idea. I don't understand how he could deny the whole thing ever happened though, he went with me to the doctor's office numerous times after I went to the emergency room, and he saw me take the fertility pills because my dr. never thought I could have children after that!

Plus, to top this whole mess off, he is dating a 15 year old girl that is my friend's little sister now! Not to be mean, but I know he's only using her, she has absolutely nothing to offer him...the age difference is too great in my opinion. My friends think that if he's immature enough to date a 15 year old, then he was too immature for me, but I can't help thinking that he is just dating her because he KNOWS nothing will ever go on, sexually, between the two of them.( Like I said before, the lack of intimacy in our relationship was driving both of us insane, me for not having any, and him because I wanted it, and he wanted none.) This girl is a devout Christian (her sister is in seminary school to become a pastor), and is a complete angel. I know I have to sit back and watch this whole thing, but it is still cutting me like a knife.

Do you agree that he might just be too immature? I think he may be regressing into some phase of his early adolescence or something, trying to 100% deny the fact that in a few weeks, had I not miscarried, he would be a father. What do you think?

PS. Do you think men and women can actually be best friends without being intimate? Just Curious

Not knowing your Ex-boyfriend, I don't think I can really understand his motivation for dating a 15 year old. What is more important than trying to figure him out, is for you to get over this relationship so you can move on with your life. While it's hard to stop thinking about him and you have a lot of mutual friends that in some way keep you connected, I would avoid conversations about him and try to think about your future hopes and aspirations. This is too precious a time in your life to focus on what could have or should have been. Savor every minute of it. It comes and goes way to fast.

As far as men and women having what I call a "Vertical Relationship," I do think it is possible. It's not easy though and sexuality is always an issue. It may be an even bigger issue in Buffalo this time of year since intimacy is a good way to keep warm! I would also say that past lovers don't usually make for good platonic friends. There are exceptions but those are few and far between. Keep writing me Panicked in Buffalo.

I am enrolled in a Holistic Healing Methods class this quarter at a college in Ohio. I must give a 30 minute presentation at the end of the quarter about a topic of interest to me. I am trying like heck to track down any solid reference material related to the medicinal values of laughter and compassion. Do you have any suggestions...either web sites or journal articles or any other health professionals that I may contact and request info? Please let me know as soon as possible...if this is a dead end topic, I need to find another interest and develop a presentation on that. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR HELP!!!

Since I talked to you last, I have gotten in deep trouble with my parents. There was a night where I simply disappeared for a couple hours, to get some time to myself to think. When I came home, my mom went into a rage, and grounded me t'il graduation (June). I have been doing my best to behave since then, but more often than not, I find myself biting my tongue and getting angrier for not speaking up. I've always had a poor relationship with my mom, and her lack of trust is really starting to hurt me and make me mad.

She showed up at my water polo game the other week, and I was surprised and almost excited, until I found out she came to make sure I was there and did not leave school, as I am not allowed to drive anywhere unless given explicit permission. Well, after my game, she asked me if I even played in the game (which I did, a lot). Now, I am the only player on my team with a taped wrist, and I wear a cap with the number 17 on it. It's NOT THAT HARD TO SEE ME!!! She didn't even pay attention. I cried when I got home, and I'm spending a lot more time upset. All I want to do is have a good relationship with her, but whenever I try, it seems to make her more angry at me, and when I don't think I'm talking back to her, she seems to think I am, and has been known to smack me if she doesn't like what I say. What do I do?

It sounds to me like there are some serious communications problems on both sides. You don't seem to understand why your mother feels the way she does and she doesn't seem to understand the way you feel. I think it would be most helpful if you and your parents could get some family counseling. A good family counselor/therapist can help the two of you listen to one another and perhaps work out some compromises.

Getting your mom to agree to family counseling may take some help from your father. (You mentioned in a previous letter that he has occasionally taken your side in the past.) If your father can't or won't help you with this, you might want to talk to a school counselor, family physician, or a trusted clergyperson.

I appreciate your sharing with me Stressed to the Max Teen, but there are limits to what I can do. You need to find an adult outside the Internet who you trust and who can intervene on your behalf. If your mother does agree to family counseling, I would urge you to be open minded and willing to see your mother's point of view. You may have felt rejected because your mother came to your water polo game just to confirm your presence there. From her point of view, she was being a concerned parent who is worried about her daughter. Both you and your mom's feelings are valid and that's why you need a mediator to help. Please try to make it happen. Let me know your progress.

It sounds like a match made in he....... oh whatever. Well good luck with the new beau and make sure the spitting where he pleases doesn't apply to your trailer. I know it's tempting since there's that smell of diesel fumes to contend with. Speaking of diesel fumes, has Bubba gotten out of jail yet?

I am 61 years old, been married for 43 years. My husband cheated on me August of 98. A year and a half ago. She was a bar whore who tended bar, my hubby is the vendor for the games, etc. This has been over since November of that year. She was 49 at the time and he was 60. We have 4 grown daughters, 13 Grandchildren and 1 Great Grandchild due in March. My problem is that I still don't trust him, every time he walks out the door I get weary. He also has lost interest in the family he used to be so involved with. Yes, I told my kids when it happened, they are my best friends. They live in Wisconsin and we live in Florida. Do you think I will ever trust him again? Will he ever be the interested Grandpa we once knew? Thanks for any advice you could give me.

If your husband has changed in his interest in you, as well as his interest in the rest of his family, perhaps he is going through a life crisis. If this is the case, I would suggest he see the therapist. You might want see a marriage counselor with him as well. I don't know if you still have reason to mistrust your husband, and/or you are still feeling wounded by his adultery. If you and he are going to have a trusting and loving relationship again, you must be able to trust him again and he must be trustworthy. That's easier said than done SJJ. Professional help my be necessary for it to happen.

If you would like to write me again and talk about your relationship with him, I would be happy to continue a dialogue. In any event, good luck and let me know how things work out.

Your Walmart uniform might be the most appropriate outfit you have for Randee's wedding. Remember what happened at the last family wedding? When the minister said, "You may kiss the bride," your boobs popped out of your tube top and the photographer missed the kiss. The pics of your boobs were very nice though and they made for great holiday greeting cards. I only have one suggestion. I know it's not the end of the month yet, but I would wash the uniform before the wedding. Give Randee my best wishes.

I don't know if this is appropriate for your web page, but you can make that call. A friend of mind from the depression support group called me last night. She had overdosed and is in the psych unit at the local hospital. She is okay now, physically. I don't know how long she will be in the hospital or what will happen to her. This is her third suicide attempt in the past 12 months.

The subject of this letter is more in the nature of a rant, rather than a question. Since my friend had overdosed, she was admitted unexpectedly through the emergency room. I don't know if the general population is aware of this, but in the psych unit you are not furnished with anything, not clothes, not even basic toiletries. I brought her some of my clothes last night, along with soap, shampoo, toothpaste and toothbrush, etc. If you can't supply these items yourself, or don't have someone to bring them to you, you go without. It is very degrading.

She is in a Columbia/HCA facility, she has insurance, so it is not a public hospital, but I am sure the situation is the same, or worse, in public hospitals. (As an aside, when I was hospitalized I had brought my own supplies with me, but they confiscated my tampons and every time I needed one I had to go to the nurses to access my stuff they kept locked up. I don't know if they thought I would stuff them up my nose and suffocate or tie the strings together and hang myself or what. Maybe you know the answer to this, Happy.)

When you are admitted to the regular units of the hospital, they supply you with soap and shampoo, etc, if you need it, don't they? I don't think it is conducive to good mental health to have to be scrounging for the basics of personal hygiene or to go without. It seems like these patients are being punished for having genuine, documented, verifiable illnesses that just happen to be mental instead of (or in addition to) physical.

I volunteered briefly with the local Mental Health Association before Christmas, soliciting donations of toothpaste and toothbrush samples from dentists for inclusion in gift baskets for hospitalized mental patients. I am going to go back to them today and offer my services again. I'd like to make the visitors to your web page aware of this situation, to speak out about it when possible, and maybe to help out if they can, with donations of time, money, or new personal-use items to their local Mental Health Association chapters. I didn't mean for this to turn into another plea for money for some charity, but I just think mentally ill people have so much to deal with already, it doesn't seem fair that they should have to deal with this crap, too.

I couldn't agree with you more that accommodations in most psychiatric units are well below the standards for general medical units. While there are some exceptions, my experience is that psych units are dirtier, supplies are always lacking, staff are less courteous and responsive, and some of the rules are utterly ridiculous. (Maybe they thought you were going to sell those tampons on the black market). Recently, when visiting a woman from my residence who had to be admitted to a psych unit, she asked us if we could supply her with a pen and paper because they couldn't find any on the floor. When I asked the head nurse about it, she told me, "If you supply them with a pen and paper, the next thing they will want are envelopes and stamps." Excuuuuuuuuuse me!

The irony is that just the opposite is necessary for effective treatment. The environment should be free of stress, staff should treat you like human beings, and rules should not be arbitrary and lower one's dignity. It always seemed to me that the silent message that psych units gave it's patients was, "If you think life is bad on the outside, try living here for a while." With all the advancements in mental health, it often feels like we are back in the 19th Century.

I applaud your efforts Avalon and I would encourage people to contact their local Mental Health Association with the kind of donations you suggested. If you would like to post information on the Bulletin Board (Tawk amongst yourselves) about your MHA and where they can send donations, please feel free to do so.

Why can't you just be as proud of those hickies as you are of that cleavage? As far as Nylene is concerned, tell her to lose about 80lbs before considering a belly-button ring. Also remind her that polyester stretch pants have limits to their "stretchability." Maybe Nylene should try some Nylon.

3. How many years of schooling do I really have to go through to become a full fledged Doc like u? You know so I can put MD on my license plates.

Dear MR,

1. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who has completed 4 years of medical school and a 4 year residency in the field of psychiatry. Usually there are another 4 or more years (and an exam) that one needs to practice in order to receive a Board Certification by the American Psychiatric Association, which is professional (but not legal) recognition for independent practice. As a medical doctor, psychiatrists may prescribe medication, hospitalize a patient and can sign involuntary commitment papers if necessary. (In most states, 2 psychiatrists are required to commit someone.)

A psychologist has received a Master's degree or a Doctoral Degree in psychology. There are dozens of disciplines and licensures in psychology. Recognition of licensures and certifications will vary from state to state. Psychologist can do testing and administer a wide variety of therapies, but only Medical Doctors (among them psychiatrists) can prescribe medications.

In addition, there are other disciplines in the helping field that can provide psychotherapy, rehab services and counseling. There are degrees, licensures and certifications in counseling, social work and psychiatric nursing. Some states have "Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners" who are also able to prescribe medication under certain conditions.

2. Psychiatry would be one career option for you as well as the others that I have mentioned. All of them require college and graduate school. If you are in college, speak to an advisor about the areas of study available and options that are open to you after you graduate.

3. I am not a Doctor MR. I am a Clinical Social Worker with over 20 years in the Mental Health and Human Service field. If you want to get those neat license plates that let you park illegally, you will need to complete college and 4 years of medical school, or you can become a police officer in much less time and get to park illegally too.

Good luck with your career MR.

happy(stillpayingforparkingviolations)shrink

I went to see my therapist today, and he gave me a thing called a "raw shock test". I don't why it's called that. You don't take it in the nude, it's got nothing to do with electricity, and you don't get a grade on it.

The therapist showed me a bunch of cards that had ink spilled on them. He wanted to know what I "saw", you know, like when you look at clouds and stuff and say, "That one looks like Edna's dog."?

He holds up the first card, and it was a picture of a man and a woman having sex! I was shocked (maybe this is why it's called a raw shock test, hmmm....).

Then he showed me another and it was a young kid doing himself - you know what I mean? Then he showed me one of three lesbians. One after another he showed me all these pictures about sex. When he was done, he told me that "I" was obsessed with sex!

I said, "Look, you're the one with the dirty pictures!!"

What I want to know is, am I wasting my time talking to this perverted idiot?

JeWitch

Yes I do think you need to continue therapy. Actually, given how off the mark your last therapist was, it is like starting therapy for the first time. The meds are doing a very good job in reducing some of your symptoms, but a lot of your past experiences still need to be dealt with. Perhaps the "new" Methos will be able to face some of the old demons and slay them once and for all. Please share with me how the therapy is proceding.

Dear Happy,

Found a FEW MORE FUN THINGS to do while waiting at Walmart for Edna to finish up her shift and go home. (She lost her drivers license you know.)

My boyfriend has a self-esteem problem. He feels that he doesn't deserve me and thinks that everyone is trying to steal me from him. Unfortunately these little jealousy fits he has really brings me down with him. He tends to slip away into another world, and his words are few. I don't like it when he gets like this and I feel that it's not healthy. Even with my telling him that I love him and would never think of going anywhere, it still happens. Is there anything I can do in order to reassure him and perhaps get him to understand that I'm not going to leave him. Thus preventing his fits???

You might want to suggest he seek counseling. If he has insecurities about himself, you can't do any more than you are already doing. You are supportive and reassuring. That's about all you can do.

I am not so sure that your boyfriend's jealousy is a self esteem issue and I do have some concerns about the relationship. Often, jealousy is more a power and control issue. If he resents your socializing, having friends, wanting to do things without him, wanting to make your own decisions without his "permission," this may be a bigger problem than you realize.

I may be jumping to conclusions here B.G. and I don't know the nature of his "jealousy fits" but what you have described has led to abusive relationships in with other couples I have known of and worked with. After having a "jealousy fit" some abusive men are remorseful and will idealize their partner. The will sometimes buy flowers, profess their love and state that they are unworthy. The cycle of jealousy fits can escalate to rage and physical abuse over time. I am suggesting that you be wary of this and if some of the things I described begins to happen, (if it hasn't already) then you may need to seek help for yourself. Please keep me updated on the situation B.G. Good luck.

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged anything to my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need some help after that.

I am currently on 150mg SR of Wellbutrin and .5mg of Klonopin both twice a day for about 2 years now. My psychiatrist wants to put me on Nortriptyline and I'm a little hesitant. I also take Prevacid for reflux and Levsin occasionally for IBS and the Birth Control Pill. Can you let me know of any drug interactions and side effects this new anti-depressant will cause me? I've lost 20 pounds on Wellbutrin (of course some was related to the depression and loss of appetite) so I don't want to gain it back, I'm okay with how I look now. One more question a little too embarrassing for my psychiatrist-does it cause sexual side effects? I was on Paxil and was completely unable to climax and my sex drive severely plummeted, Welbutrin did the opposite :-)! Please right back with your opinion, I would really appreciate it and be honest!!!

Nortriptyline is tricyclic antidepressant that like Wellbutrin works in the central nervious system to reduce depressive symptoms. The side effects are similar to Wellbutrin (drowsiness, dizziness, increased sun sensitivity or blurred vision, heartburn, loss of appetite, dry mouth, strange taste in mouth, anxiety, restlessness, sweating etc.). I would get a full list of them from your psychiatrist or pharmacist as well as a full list of allergic symptoms. (chest pain, a rapid heart rate, difficulty urinating, nightmares, ringing in the ears, excessive sedation, uncoordinated movements or fainting.) These allergic reactions are developed from thousands of clinical studies and are rare, so don't let them scare you. If any of them occur, notify you psychiatrist immediately.

I would also inform your psychiatrist of all the other meds you take including over the counter medications. Everyone may have different side effects when it comes to various psychotropic medications. a good example is your reaction to Wellbutrin. In some cases, Wellbutrin causes decreased sex drive and this seems to be the opposite in your case. Generally though, Nortriptyline does not affect sexual function and should not bring about weight gain, but there can be exceptions to every rule. Ask your doctor about taking Nortriptyline before bedtime which may minimize the side effects. Let me know how it works for you HC. Good luck.

Dear Happy,

Babysat for my Granddaughter, ALL DAY (I never realized there were SO MANY HOURS IN THE DAY) .... I brought my computer to see how hard it was for parents to get on-line and chat ......The Toshiba stayed in my briefcase ALL DAY !! I had I good time .. had to go OUTSIDE to smoke though ... can't wait till Lexie is a teenager .. then we can BOTH go outside !!!

JeWitch

I can only hope that by the time Lexie is a teenager, you will both have better outside activities than smoking.

There are some "natural" products that can reduce depressive symptoms, however they are not usually an adequate replacement for Prozac or other SSRI's. Before considering taking a product such as Sam-e, I would consult with your psychiatrist. As far as the side effects of Prozac is concerned, it varies greatly from person to person. It is possible to have little or no side effects while on Prozac or other antidepressants. In other cases, side effects may lessen as one adapts to the medication. If the side effects interfere significantly with your life, another medication should be considered and you should talk to you psychiatrist about that.

Some people do take antidepressants for a long or indefinite period of time. If the side effects are kept to a minimum and depressive symptoms are reduced, then it's a good idea to continue. Here again, you need to speak with your psychiatrist to find out if you might be able to stop or even reduce your medications.

Low levels of potassium can cause a sluggish and run down condition, and thus impact on you state of mind. Find out from your doctor if you need supplements or you can increase you potassium levels through nutrition.

In conclusion Methos, everything affects your state of mind. Good nutrition, exercise, stimulating work balanced with rest and relaxation are ways of reducing stress and will go a long way in you long term mental health. Sometimes we need a little more help. Psychotherapy, support groups and/or medication can make the difference for a happier and more fulfilled life.

I know some of my questions are a WEE BIT STUPID ... BUT .........How do you get off a NON STOP FLIGHT ??

I was just getting ready to write you this great letter - telling you how (yawn), once again ... I finally put an end to things with my ole' buddy of four years. Ready for this red flag? Somewhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving, in a very playful mood, I drove over to his house - in this beautiful white teddy - with just my coat covering me. When I got there, I dropped the coat, standing there in my gorgeous, sexy, white teddy, white thigh high stockings, a white choker around my neck and (in my humble opinion), looking extremely sexy. I stood there a couple of minutes - waiting for a response - and what I got is "do you think something's wrong with my peripheral vision?" You look very nice - I think I told you that the last time you wore it. Somehow or another - we got to talking about "women of the night", and I said I thought I would make a good one. How prophetic ... we made love ... or should I say I made love ... or he was made love to ... well, you get the general idea ... he never touched me, fondled me, kissed me, or made love to me ... we both kind of dozed (on the couch) for a little while and when I woke up, I said, well, I guess I should go home now and he responded - you're a big girl - you can do what you want. I jumped up - got dressed and left - without a good-bye or kiss my ass. I left almost all of my own self-respect on his door (or on his couch) that night.

Apparently - he never had a clue that anything was wrong! I didn't talk to him for several weeks (nor did he call me), and the holidays were right on us. I had thanksgiving at his daughter's (with him present), Christmas eve with his sister (with him present), and on Christmas - I had his sister, and the rest of my "other" family, including him to my house. As usual - I got all practical gifts - nothing personal - all with CVS marked on the boxes (with the prices on them to boot). I casually mentioned New Year's Eve, as we have spent the last four together. He never mentioned anything. So - I went out and partied the night away - and when everyone else was yelling Happy New Year - I was yelling Goodbye ***.

I dialed his number by mistake the other day (truly), and hung up when I heard a man answer. Then I called him back and said I dialed your number in error but didn't want you to think I hung up on you. I invited him for dinner (dumb me) and he said no. I came home and E-mailed him this note

I think the one thing that has stood out above everything else in our relationship over the past 4 years has been our ability to be honest with each other - so let me be honest with you now. I think you've been a real shit for the past couple of months. You were once one of the most caring, kind, considerate and unselfish people I had ever known.

I had really hoped that we would always be true friends, and it saddens me to know that we won't. Please don't be foolish enough to think that I am writing this because you turned down my invitation for dinner - I'm not that immature. But I AM mature enough, and smart enough to recognize the not so subtle changes in our friendship over the last several months, and frankly .... I don't like them very much (which is probably not important). I knew things changed drastically the last time I was at your apartment - I doubt you realized it then ... and you never asked me later ... but that night that I showed up in my 'teddy' and we were intimate - you never touched me! not once! Besides being sexually frustrated, I left your home feeling ashamed, hurt, and used. I left a big portion of my self respect on your door step that night - but I'm happy to say I've gotten past that. Some people aren't capable of sustaining a relationship with two people at the same time ... which I suspect is the case here. You don't need me anymore - you've moved on ... your friends at the Church stroke your ego enough now - something you once enjoyed my doing.

So - rather than belabor a point - I'm not the kind of woman or friend who likes being neglected - or alienated - which you have succeeded to do for some time now. I deserve better than that. I'll miss the relationship that we had - it was so very, very special - but it takes two people to want to have, and keep a relationship going - and I appear to be the only one of us that would have liked that. There are some things here at my house that belong to you, that I would like to return to you. Not too much - but I'd like you to pick them up - some pictures, a turkey platter, some of your "outfits", your carving knife, stuff like that - the two stoves can certainly stay until I move this Spring. If you have time this weekend - give me a call, and I'll pack everything up, okay? I think the only things of mine that you have at your house are the key to my house, the car, and the two pictures of Jeff. I can't think of anything else. I think that about wraps it up, don't you?

As I hit the "Send Now" button ... I felt proud of myself - and smiled and thought how proud of me you would have been - you, my one confidante in this whole mess. I gave his sister (my best friend) a quarter for every time I talked about him in anything other than casual conversation ... and couldn't even have paid for a pack of chewing gum! But ... there were two striking things that were wrong ... One was New Year's Eve at this single's dance ... I came across as a "real easy mark" - I was so very desperate to feel attractive, needed and wanted that I very clearly sent some very wrong signals ... or maybe it was because I was still feeling like a "whore" (as I felt when I left that night). I ended up apologizing to several people for the way I came across. I have now acted this way on several occasions at single's dances - and come out hating myself for the way I act.

Is it possible to be so desperate to be loved that you sell yourself cheap? How do you prevent doing that? I thought I had finally put this "thing" to bed. His sister & I went to a psychic in New York (who I had seen before), and she told me that after the first of the year the man who had been in my life would re-enter my life (if I let him). About an hour ago, I got a message on my answering machine from him telling me that he wanted to see me to discuss my E-mail - that he wasn't going to E-Mail me back, because it wasn't the 'mature' thing to do. I called him back and chatted for a couple of minutes, suggested he come over tonight - but that wasn't good for him. So - it looks like sometime next week. Then I called him back (after getting a dose of courage), and told him I wasn't sure what the point was of our seeing each other - that if he was going to turn this into a "Bobbi (me) thing" and not accept any of the responsibility than there was no point in our getting together. (He conveniently dropped in to see his sister yesterday and asked her if she had talked to "the grouch" (meaning me).

Now I'm in a tailspin ... hoping you can prevent me from crashing & burning! I still love this man but am learning to get through each day a little better - less thinking about him - less missing what I can't have (with him). What I want is someone to hold me in their arms, someone who wants the world to know that I am with them, someone who will openly share their love with me. He's been honest and clear - he doesn't love me or wait a minute, he "loves me ... but isn't in love with me" He has this unbelievable ability to turn things around and get me to end up apologizing to HIM!!!! I called his sister and told her to bring me the biggest hammer and nails she had. She asked me who I wanted to crucify - I told her I wanted to nail every window and door shut in my house. This psychic says we're meant to be together (don't they all?) - she said he will only re-enter my life again if I let him. I'm okay when I'm not around him, but as soon as I get around him - my resolve disappears.

While I'm thinking clearly - I think I feel that this is a no win situation. I can't blame him for wanting to stay friends ... after all, having someone almost adore you is very flattering - trust me when I say he had it all with me, and either took it for granted or whatever. I know he misses our friendship - as I miss it too - but what about the things I want and need in my life? What about the man I need to put his arms around me, to wake up next to me (he's never spent a night with me as you know), etc. Am I being selfish to tell him I can't be "friends" with him????

I think one of my engines are sputtering --- I know that you have countless letters ahead of mine - but I don't want to try to 'wing' it on my own here. I need you ....

As you know by now, I didn't move your letter up on my list of emails. This is a policy I have with anyone who would write me with what they believe is a crisis. My advice and this web site is not a substitute for therapy. Anyone who feels the need for immediate attention should set up an appointment with what some of my chat friends call "an eyeball therapist." In some cases I have emailed a brief suggestion that the person needs to seek out a therapist, however you did state in one of your last letters that you were seeing someone already.

This is a chronic situation that hasn't really changed much since you last wrote me back in October, or last year when you finally got the message that he was never going to make a commitment to you. You continue to pursue this man. You continue to keep in contact with him and his family. You continue to look for something outside yourself to feel fulfillment, and ultimately, you continue to set yourself up for rejection.

At what point to you stop blaming him? He has made it clear to you where he stands. If you are going to show up at his doorstep wearing a teddy, you may get him to have sex with you but he has made it clear that he doesn't want make love to you. He may have been dishonest in the past, but in this instance you are the dishonest one. You came to him asking for sex. He gave it to you but then you are upset that he didn't give you love. If you want to be his "lady of the night" don't get angry when you offer him a "freebie" and don't get a pay back.

Another curious thing is your ending the letter to him "God Bless." I know that your spirituality is important to you but it really came across to me as out of place and denying your anger. The psychic stuff also bothers me. It seems like another effort on your part to try to manipulate things that are out of your control. Most psychics will tell you what you want to hear Snowing. It's not their psychic ability, but their intuitive ability to "read" people that draw needy and desperate individuals to them. Don't be their patsy.

So what do you say to him when you see him next? I don't really think it matters. I wouldn't see him. The faster you get him completely out of your life and out of your head, the better. Emails, letters, phone conversations and meetings just perpetuate your chronic obsession. I also believe that you probably have to sever ties with his family as well to really get over him.

Lastly Snowing in Connecticut, I do feel for your situation and I have had many clients as well as dear friends who have been in your situation. It doesn't help feeling sorry for yourself. Take responsibility for your behavior and move on with your life. I hope you continue your "eyeball therapy." I also hope you continue to write me even when the answers don't come as quickly as you would like them to.

Hi Happyshrink,

My main question has to do with delayed orgasm or difficulty/inability to reach orgasm while taking antidepressants, specifically effexor. (I'm a 33 year old male.

My specifics: I'm taking effexor XR 75 mg/once daily, and 150mg of wellbutrin SR twice daily, for dysthymia. Since I have been taking the effexor, I have had difficulty reaching orgasm, or at times, been unable to reach orgasm. The effexor seems to help me to focus & think a bit more clearly, and I am somewhat more outgoing again (don't avoid conversations, actually start them, etc.), and I am somewhat less sleepy & run-down. But it has not eliminated the tired/run-down/sleepy/ non-motivated/lack-of-energy feelings.

The effexor seems to have a sedative effect on me, so I find taking the effexor when I go to bed is best for me. I'm taking the wellbutrin to assist in trying to quit smoking. The combination with wellbutrin hasn't helped any as far as the orgasm issue goes. Nor has it as far as the other issues are concerned, but it does help with the smoking. (I initially had tried wellbutrin alone, switched to effexor, and now have added wellbutrin to the effexor) I'm on a relatively low dose of the effexor already, so reducing the dose doesn't seem to be a very practical option? (especially since I haven't completely shaken the dysthymia yet) I have also tried ginko biloba (40mg three times daily), which helps slightly. (I have seen these ideas suggested elsewhere for addressing the orgasm issue)

The Questions...?

1) I have read about "holidays/vacations" for a couple of days from antidepressant medications , in order to avoid some of the unwanted side effects. However, I thought I had typically seen these "holidays" with respect to SSRI's. Is that an effective & safe option with effexor? (I have missed a couple of days of effexor in the past, and not had any problems with withdrawal - however, don't know at this time if it solves my problem, or if it has any impact on the therapeutic effects of the effexor)

2) I've also seen adding another medication as another possible solution for the orgasm issue: amantadine (which I believe I have read may also address some of the fatigue?), bromocriptine or granisetron (both of which I gather are very expensive), buspirone, cyproheptadine, and yohimbine. Once again (with the exception of bromocriptine, which I saw specifically mentioned with effexor) I believe it has been predominantly in conjunction with SSRI's that I have seen these.

So...?

I'm just looking for any feedback, comments, opinions, experience, etc. you might have to offer with respect to this issue, and any (all?) of the myriad of anecdotal remedies I mentioned above... Or any additional info, remedies, etc. that may be of use. (I'll be discussing this w/my psych doctor next appointment, but it's not for a while)

There appears to be quite a lot of people looking for this type of information on the web, and any advice or light you might be able to shed would be greatly appreciated... Thanks for taking the time to read all of this (hope it's somewhat coherent), and thanks for any advice/feedback/info you may have to provide.

Dear L,

First let me state as I have in the past that I am not a medical doctor and the adjustment of you psychotropic medications should be supervised by your psychiatrist. It is not unusual to be on two antidepressants at the same time, however if you can eliminate the Effexor and still get the results you need with Wellbutrin, that may be a good option. While some anti-depressants have a greater impact on sexual performance than others, all have that potential and each individual may have a different reaction to the same meds.

While your letter is very well written and thoughtful, I hope that you realize that medication is a means and not an end. Just because drugs are legal and prescribed doesn't mean that they aren't potentially addictive and harmful. Work with your psychiatrist to get the best combination of meds and work on the rest of your life to ensure that you are happy, well adjusted and fulfilled. Good luck L. Let me know what your psychiatrist recommends.

happy(sometimeslessismore)shrink

Phillip is probably some guy who picked you up at the Dew Drop Inn and he obviously bought you a screwdriver every time you flashed your boobs at him. I think it's time to go home and sleep it off sweet cakes.

I have a couple more questions. First, what exactly are the signs of post traumatic stress disorder and how long does it last? I don't feel traumatized...actually, I don't really remember much of what happened. I know it happened and everything is kind of fuzzy, about the details anyway.

So, I was just curious. And, some good news! I finally got up the nerve to tell my boyfriend that I love him a couple of days ago. I'm trusting him more I guess that means, but I still have a ways to go. Anyway, cutting this short cause I have paperwork staring at me here (don't you hate it when that happens!) Thanks!

I am riding an emotional and physical roller coaster every day, and I am tired of it. Every morning I wake up feeling like I can do absolutely anything, the sky is the limit. I start craft projects I never finish, I pull out all my file cabinets to reorganize them and never finish, etc. I just end up making a dozen messes and accomplishing nothing. Gradually, by nightfall, I am feeling monumentally fatigued, sad, hopeless, and like I can do nothing. I will make commitments or plans during the early part of the day that I cannot adhere to in the evening hours. If I do keep them, I am so tired and down that there is no pleasure in it for me. But I am feeling so great in the mornings that I can't believe I won't be feeling as wonderful that night, and vice versa.

I am on an antidepressant (Celexa) and Ritalin. I have spoken with my psychiatrist about this and he said that depression typically runs the opposite course, fatigued in the morning, feeling better at night. I have tried taking more Ritalin and not taking any at all (with his permission). With more, I feel like I am running on amphetamines, with none I never even get off the couch (though my thoughts are still running around in circles), but the basic fluctuating emotional state remains.

Can bipolar disorder cycle this fast and with such regularity? My shrink tends not to think I am bipolar because I am much more likely to be down. Can this just be my own natural clock or biorhythm or whatever? If the Celexa is making me manic, wouldn't it last longer than just half a day? I see my shrink in a week or so, and will talk to him about it, again, but he just looks at me like I am crazy (pun intended). I know you can't diagnose from this distance, just wondering what you think and if you've seen this pattern before.

I don't know of any cases where a person with Bipolar Disorder has mood swings in the manner that you described so I would tend to agree with your psychiatrist. Ruling out something medical, it seems that it just may come down to tweaking your meds so that the right amount and combination can have the optimum results. I know this is frustrating for you and for what it's worth, I don't think you are crazy (pun not intended). Let me know what happens after your next visit.

I HATE MATH ... and besides that ... MOM IS STUPID .... so I am writing you this question ... How do you write "zero" in Roman Numerals ???

Zero was invented after the Romans....and your mom isn't stupid. She's just slow.

Do you think Don is in mid-life crisis? If so please explain it to me. Will it end at some point? Is there anything that can be done for it? Please help me if you can. Thankyou.

Dear K,

While it is certainly possible that your husband is dealing with a mid-life crisis (a.k.a. male menopause), I can not really analyze what is going on with him nor can I suggest a resolution unless he was willing to share his thoughts and feelings. If you can get him to go with you for counseling, that would be helpful but I have a hunch that you may have already tried that and he is not agreeable.

Just like the business you work together in, marriage is a contractual agreement that involves assets and debits. His asking you to leave is interesting and I guess I am struck by that fact. It makes you sound more like the hired help than a partner. After 20 years of marriage, one doesn't leave. Rather, the marriage contract is dissolved and the assets and debits are divided. This is your marriage and your business (not to mention the house, the car, the IRAs, etc.) and don't let your husband believe that he can ask you to leave and you will accept his termination notice along with some "severance pay" and you will go along your merry way.

I am glad you are seeing a counselor K. Your plate is very full right now and you need someone to give you support and help you with insight. I would also suggest that you see an Attorney so that you are aware of your rights. Counseling can be mandated by the courts and in some cases it has resulted in reconciliation. Realistically though, you can't mandate his cooperation and if he wants to leave you, there is nothing you can do about it. But make sure he knows that if this is what he really wants, he doesn't walk away without splitting the assets of your 20 year marriage. Good luck K. Keep me informed of what's going on.

happy(tosharehisbestassets)shrink

Happy,

I have realized lately that I do not have all those thoughts racing around in my mind. I do not have conflicting conversations going on all at once, in fact it's down right quiet inside my head. I don't have all those negative thoughts, I don't have a lot of innovative thoughts, I don't seem to have a lot of thoughts at all. It's not that I'm not thinking, my output at work has doubled what it was before I left. I seem happy, I think. I guess this is just strange to me, all this DAMN silence. It almost feels like something, or should I say , a part of ME is missing. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss the depression, and my energy level is up......but. My eternal being feels alone, it's never been this quiet before, not inside my head. Is this what "normal" is? Is this what most people hear, quiet, one voice? Tell me what I am experiencing is a good thing, tell me I haven't lost a piece of myself.

In some sense you have lost a piece of yourself. It was a piece that wasn't all bad either. It helped you to survive trauma, abuse and neglect. But now, trying to live a "healthy" (I hate that word normal) life, you need to give up that part of yourself that helped you survive. Now it's time to grow and prosper with one voice and one thought at a time. Enjoy the quiet while it lasts Methos. (With two teenage kids I don't think it will be quiet too long.) I am really gratified by your courage and strength. I also have a hunch that the best has yet to come.

Postings from January 16-31, 2000