*******Ask Miss Lovelace*******

Dear Miss Lovelace,

I have a summer romance problem. Last year was my senior year of high school. I fell in love with a man whom everyone thought was wrong for me. I was Miss Good Girl, a person whom everyone in my small community was looked on as an example setter. I was involved in everything from the French club to the star of our school musical. I was a church organist and a Bible School Teacher. David was also a senior, although he didn't graduate, and had a long history of being a rebel who was always in trouble. We were a very unlikely couple and were the talk of our town.
 
When we first met, he was living with his girlfriend Susan with whom he had a daughter, and he had just returned to high school after dropping out. He seemed to be turning himself around, and that was one of the things that attracted me to him. The first night we met we hit it off great and started going out a few times a week, just as friends. Susan found out that he was going places with another woman and started calling me and warning me to stay away from him or I'd be very sorry. At that time I was 17 and she was 26. She began to try to hurt David when he came home from his evenings with me, and she had even tried to stab him a few times. One night she overdosed on pain killers in an attempt to commit suicide, but failed. This, among other things, led to their break up. He moved back in with his parents and with his daughter, and he and I began to date.
 
Throughout our relationship, Susan remained a ghost from David's past. She would call me periodically to tell me that she was sleeping with him and that I should stay away from him or that she would do something horrible to me. She blamed me for all of her problems and actually tried to attack me on three or four occasions. In spite of that, David and I stayed together and had a fairly happy and fulfilling relationship. His daughter, who was a little over a year, began to call me "mommy" on a regular basis even though no one had ever told her that I was her mother. We spent a significant amount of time together, almost daily. I think that I might have been trying to give her a female role model because her mother would only come and visit her about once every few months.
 
During the middle of the summer, David's mother went to court to get temporary custody of his baby, at David's request. because sole custody still belonged to Susan. The plan was for David's mother to get custody and to immediately sign it over to David, because a court would have never given an 18 year-old custody of a child. David's mother won the court battle, but David's father had different plans for them. Custody was never granted to David, and David's father threw him out of the house.

The loss of his daughter proved to be a great strain on both of us, especially David. About three weeks later, we ended our relationship. I was left for college a week later, and never really got over him. Things had been left sort of up in the
air when I left, and for about four months I didn't hear from him. When I came home from school for Christmas, he called. Christmas Eve night we went out for coffee and talked for hours about our lives, about our relationship, and about our break up. He admitted that he was very worried that if we had stayed together that he had worried that I would not have finished school, and that he thought it was best that I didn't have any more ties to home than I needed. He gave me his daughter's Christmas pictures, which I keep on my desk, and told me that he now sees her only once a week. That was the last night that I saw him until recently.
 
He now lives about three blocks from where I work, and one night I saw him outside as I was driving by and pulled over to ask if he wanted to go for coffee. He accepted, and I came back twenty minutes later to pick him up. As he was getting in the car, I heard "bitch!" come from his apartment upstairs. He told me that he had been living with Susan again for a few months and that his mother was making him stay with her or that she would not allow him to see his daughter as often. He has asked me to talk to his mother about this because she had really liked me when we were together and she would more than likely follow my advice. She had told me that I was the only decent thing that David had ever brought home, and I think that if there were a slight chance that David and I would get back together she would allow him to get rid of Susan for good. That night at the coffee house he wouldn't stop talking about how much his mother liked me, how if I wouldn't have gone to college that we would probably still have been together, and about the things we used to do. After coffee, he took me to the lake and we walked around it together and talked (not exactly the kind of place that you bring you friends to alone at night). I started thinking about how close we used to be and how wonderful our relationship was and how much fun we used to have together. He was also my first sexual partner, which made it harder not to think about our past together and how much I wished things had worked out between us. It became very clear to me that he wants me back.

The next day I went to see him at work, and invited him out to my house for the evening. My parents were gone in Canada, so we would have the house to ourselves. We had a great time that night and he stayed for several hours.         Nothing has really happened yet between us, but the signals are definitely there. I can tell that he wants me back, and big time, but I'm not quite sure if I want him as badly as he wants me. For right now, we are going places together behind Susan's back and if I want to see him I come to where he works. I definitely know that I'm not going to share him with Susan, and I think that he senses that. He has grown up a lot in the past year, we both have. He finally has a job that he likes, and is going to buy a house soon. He seems to have improved himself considerably in the past year, and I am proud of him for it.

My question is, do you think that I should take him back? Our situation is very strange indeed and there are so many unconventional factors about it. There is the added stress of a child in this relationship that doesn't seem to bother me but that does bother a lot of people. If I do decide to take him back, how do I get him to
get rid of Susan for good? I hope that you have some clue about what I should do in this situation because I'm really confused.

Thank you,

Char

Dear Char:

Wow!  Where do I begin??  First of all, you're a bit young to be committed to a family situation, especially one as volatile as this.  The activities you listed and the impressions people have of you indicate to me that you have aspirations in addition to what you hope for in your personal life.  At this stage of your life, you should make these aspirations your number one priority.  Don't let David make you believe that your schooling is interfering with the progress of your relationship.  If you are meant to be together, nothing can stand in your way.

Likewise, David's parents will have no success trying to force David and Susan into longevity and stability.  Their relationship is destined to end for good eventually, from what you've said.  At this point my heart goes out to that little girl...but that's another letter.

I don't think you need to make any decisions now, per se.  Continue to enjoy his company and his caring for now and even acknowledge the dreams you both have of a future together - but approach the next few weeks, months, days or even years with caution.  Use the time to evaluate the situation, and as you learn about yourself and grow, the answers may seem more clear.

About Susan: You wanted to know how to get rid of her forever.  Sorry.  She's that little girl's mother.  She will likely be in the picture forever - and has that right.  You'll have to find a way to co-exist with her and she with you if you are going to stay in the picture for good.

Last, and perhaps most importantly - be careful and be SUSPICIOUS.  I hate to destroy the notion of true love and open, honest, baggage-free, garbage-free relationships, but the fact is, the whole situation reeks.  I see a lot of mind games being played here with this entire family, even David's Mom and Dad, who are trying to manipulate their son's life.  Face the strong possibility that David may be involved in some of these mind games as well.  Prepare your heart for the possibility of this relationship failing (you and David).  If it happens, you may be better prepared.  At the same time, open your heart to other people and possibilities.   I do understand that is difficult to be rational while swept into love and passion.  If you feel you can't relate to David on a tentative basis, then perhaps you do have a decision to make.  If I had to choose for you right now this minute, honey, I'd say, "Move on."

You signed yourself, "confused!"  Ah,  yes, there's nothing better to confuse an otherwise rational mind than love.  Hindsight is 20/20 and someday you'll look back and see this situation much more clearly.  Good luck, sweets.

Sincerely,
Miss Lovelace

I am finding myself in a bind, please help me.  I have been seeing a man for a little over a month now and we are not having intercourse at this time.  Since I have been seeing him, I have been semi-happy, but happier.  I feel very insecure.  I don't think it is our relationship I am insecure about.  I feel like maybe I am not good enough for him.  I am six years younger then he is and it kind of limits some of the things
we can do with each other (I am under 21).  He always tells me that I am pretty, but I just don't feel the same way. Though there were no intentions of leaving Louie,  I recently met someone else.  We have only gone out on a couple of dates and he is
really interested.  The only thing is he is eleven years older than me. I felt I was betraying Louie (my original boyfriend). So I told this new man about Louie and he gave me an ultimatum.  After careful consideration,  I broke it off with this new man.  I really care about Louie and really want move forward with our relationship.  I just need help and wonder how I can learn not to be so insecure.

Lost inside
Not AllSmyles any more

Hi Smyles:

The key issue is something you've already identified well in yourself..insecurity.  This is perfectly normal for your age and is nothing to worry about.  You need to give yourself time to learn who you are and what you want out of life.

You ARE dating older men and would be wise to keep it simple if you can.
Boyfriend "A" may just be a good friend to you...there ARE many different kinds of love.  And boyfriend "B," speaking of insecurity, is placing very unreasonable demands on you with his ultimatum.

You say you think you're not good enough for Boyfriend A.  You need to stop comparing yourself to the rest of the world...just focus on what your strengths are, recognize and work on your weaknesses....and remember to take your time.  Don't rush into devoting your life to others until you're truly comfortable with yourself.

Ms. Lovelace is a good judge of character, and I can sense that you're AOK!!  Take care, take time, socialize, but keep it light :)

Good luck honey
love,
Ms. Lovelace

Romance is an art, not a job!

I repeat myself again for the benefit of those that are mentally challenged in this department.  Romance is an art, not a job!

Now, I suppose you are wondering where is the art in romance? Romance is a
very important part of the "wooing" process. Remember when you first fell hard for that special someone in your life? Remember all those preparations you would make for them prior to their arrival? 

Men I know who were or are in the "wooing" phase generally prepare for their lady companion by not only practicing oral and physical hygiene, but would take it to new heights (or is that extremes?)!  I remember a male friend of mine who really wanted an opportunity to be with this lady friend spending 15 minutes in the bathroom just BRUSHING his teeth alone. 

Women out there, remember when you first met that special person? The scented bubble baths you would take to prepare for the date? Shaving the legs (with a NEW razor none the less)  THAT evening prior to the date, rather than waiting a week to scrape the legs with a dull razor? Perfuming not only behind the earlobes, but in those special, intimate places only HE knew about? 

Romance needs to happen far beyond the dating phase. I know couples that married and literally left the romancing at the alter. The reason? I suspect they felt that they attained the goal that they wanted - they FOUND that special someone! 

But who are you kidding if you think it stops there? Only yourself, my friends. Because after culmination of permanency within a relationship is the real work ahead of you. 

Why is it when a couple would date, the male wouldn't think of passing gas in a car? Why did that RESPECT stop after the "I Do" or the "Yes, I'll move in with you?" Why did it stop? Why should it? Give Miss Lovelace one good reason. 

Ms. Lovelace firmly believes that romance is an art form but it is also WORK, not a JOB. There is a big difference between work and a job. A job is something that you HAVE to do, there is no option in the matter - whatever the task is - you HAVE to do it. No choice or options there. 

Work, on the other hand requires skill, tenacity at times, and talent. To keep relationships fresh one has to WORK to keeping it interesting, exciting and happy. When two people are in love (or even serious lust at the beginning phase of that form of relationship) they will go the extra mile. 

After saying the "I Do" or "Yes, I'll move in with you" the real work begins and both parties have a responsibility to keep the relationship on track in the romance department. Did you get that? BOTH parties have a responsibility to keep the romance fresh and alive... there is no one party completely responsible. It is a shared responsibility and commitment. 

Just some thoughts from Miss Lovelace. Next time, romantic lessons and ideas we all can share to keep our relationships full of spice.

Until then,

Miss Lovelace

I have always heard that woman reach their prime when they hit 40. I always thought it was a joke but I have found that during the past year (and I am nearing that magic age), that my need for sex has increased. I am constantly bugging my husband for sex to the point where he is getting "headaches". Is this old wives tale true or am I becoming a sex kitten at a late age? thanks 

39 and horny

Dear 39 and horny,

Well, obviously it's true that your sex drive is increasing...but 40 a late
age? Never. Everyone goes through stages in their lives which are related to how they feel about themselves and those around them.  Perhaps many women do get
their "youthful" cravings back during the 40's because they finally have their homes and their lives to themselves after two decades of child-rearing.

As far as bugging your husband goes, well...that's another issue with a
bunch of variables.  Is your relationship good?  Is he terribly distracted
by other issues in life, unable to relax?  Is the timing between the two of
you often "off"?  Are you insisting on having sex to the neglect of eating,
sleeping and breathing...or do you think your requests are reasonable? 
Whatever the case...do know this:  feeling sexy is a good thing!! Be proud,
wear it well and your enthusiasm will be contagious!

You go girl!
(and take it easy on the poor old guy)

Miss Lovelace